Brad Chase: ah, think that’s my seat.
Alan Shore: Yes. I did see someone’s things here. I moved them to a less
desirable location. I’m sorry; we’re not territorial about that sort of
thing around here, are we?
Chicago partner: I know. I’m . . . um . . . with Chicago.
Denny Crane: My kind of town. Always had the best sex of my life in Chicago.
What about you?
Denny Crane: All right,
everybody—lock and load. Item 1: Forget Item 1.
Nigel: Well, actually, Denny, item 1 is a rather urgent matter that we must
discuss.
Denny Crane: Why don’t you brief us?
Nigel: Gladly. If we . . .
(Denny Crane hits the mute button on his remote.)
Denny Crane: Item 2: Beckerman discovery? What the hell is that?
Jerry Austin: Uh, well, opposing counsel was granted their motion to compel,
which means we are now required to
turn over all correspondence and scientific studies.
Denny Crane: Hmm, what about the ones we burned before the judge’s orders?
Sam Halpern: We didn’t burn any documents.
Denny Crane: Well, sure we did. Do it today. All right, Nigel, keep going,
we’re listening.
(Clicks remote)
Nigel: Uh, if we don’t . . .
Denny Crane: (hitting the mute button again) Item 3.
Edwin Poole: Sorry I’m late, good people.
(He walks around the table to reveal—to everyone—he is wearing
no pants.)
Alan Shore: Is it Casual Monday?
Sally Heep: Please tell me that you’ve never seen anything like that before.
Alan Shore: Baring your ass to 24 attorneys, including 2 overseas—that is an
unprecedented triumph. I’m just
distraught I didn’t think of it myself.
Brad Chase: Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. Brad Chase. Look, I’ve been asked
to stay, which I’m considering.
But I’m concerned that you and I may have gotten off on the wrong foot. I
like to be straight up with people, and If
there’s and issue or conflict, let’s address it head on, if you don’t mind.
Alan Shore: I have trouble talking that fast. I don’t believe in being
straight up, but I’m a big fan of your Aqua Velva
commercials.
Brad Chase: There’s a potential client in the conference room. I’d like you
to meet with her. Oh, forgot to
mention—I outrank you.
Alan Shore: Do you? And I’m such a slut for authority.
Sally Heep: All right. You think the two little boys could get off the
playground now?
Alan Shore: I’m afraid there’s been a terrible mistake. I don’t do musical
comedy.
Beah Toomy: Annie’s a drama. It’s full of suspense on whether a little girl
gets to live with the rich guy. It’s
dramatic.
Sally Heep: Well, maybe because you feel I can’t deal with a client on my
own.
Brad Chase: I don’t feel that way at all.
Sally Heep: Well, then I guess I really have no idea what you feel.
Brad Chase: I guess not.
Sally Heep: And that’s supposed to be my fault?
Alan Shore: Wait a minute. You two have had sex!
Brad Chase: I’m sorry. We’re not territorial about that sort of thing around
here, are we?
Denny Crane: We can’t tail the wife.
Lori Colson: That’s what he wants, Denny.
Denny Crane: Can’t do it. Not ethical. She’s a client, too.
Lori Colson: What I would suggest is we send a letter of withdrawal to
end-run the conflict. Get an opinion letter of
outside counsel . . .
Denny Crane: I don’t want to tail the wife.
Lori Colson: Denny, I don’t need to tell you that Ernie Dell is one of our
biggest clients. If he wants a private
investigator, what’s the real harm?
Denny Crane: The harm would be to me.
Lori Colson: I’m sorry?
Denny Crane: I’m the one sleeping with his wife.
Atty. Smith: This is Little Orphan Annie, for God’s sake! If she doesn’t
look the part . . .
Alan Shore: I didn’t realize we did racial profiling for our comic strips.
Alan Shore: Denny, I’m having a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve always
prided myself on being . . . well, nuts. But in
this firm, I find myself falling into the sane category.
Denny Crane: (laughing) You think I’m nuts, do you?
Denny Crane: Look--take you for example. Tomorrow, you’re gonna go into
court and argue that some little fat
black kid should be able to play a little skinny white one. What’s the
point? Pause You don’t ask—that’s the point.
You gonna win, by the way? The world wants to know.
Alan Shore: I’m afraid not. There’s no state action. We’ve asked for a
specific performance with no clear evidence
of discrimination. I don’t like losing, especially when there’s a wager
involved.
Denny Crane: Well, don’t, soldier. Pull a rabbit out of your hat. Motions
with his index finder for Alan Shore to
lean closer. Then, conspiratorially That’s the secret of both trial law and
life.
Alan Shore: Rabbits?
Denny Crane: nods Oh, yeah.
Alan Shore: Your Honor, we have something called the Equal Protection
Clause, we have something called the 14th
Amendment—I believe it’s actually required reading for judges. I could be
wrong there.
Reverend Al Sharpton (from behind Alan): Could I be heard, your Honor? I
heard about this matter. I would like to
address this court on what I consider . . .
Judge Rita Sharpley: I’m sorry, Reverend, but you have no standing here.
Reverend Al Sharpton: I have standing as an American citizen speaking up on
a civil rights violation.
Judge Rita Sharpley: Reverend Sharpton, I will ask you to step down . . .
Reverend Al Sharpton: I have standing as Bobby Kennedy had standing, . . .
Judge Rita Sharpley: You have no standing in this meeting.
Reverend Al Sharpton: . . . on the steps of the courthouse in Alabama!
Judge Rita Sharpley: No one is denying this little girl an education, sir.
She just can’t play Annie.
Reverend Al Sharpton: You may think this is a small matter. But this is no
small matter. This child is being denied
the right to play an American icon because she doesn’t match the
description. Those descriptions were crafted 50
years ago! We’re supposed to be in a different day!
Judge Rita Sharpley: Reverend . . .
Reverend Al Sharpton: You talk about racial equality, how we’re making
progress. The problem with that progress
is it’s always a day away. Tomorrow, tomorrow—you love that!—because it’s
always a day away. I’m here to stick
out my chin today! Today! Give us an African-American Spider Man! Give us a
black that can run faster than a
speeding bullet and leap over tall buildings in a single bound! Not
tomorrow—today! Today! The sun needs to come
out today! Not tomorrow, your Honor! God Almighty! Give the American people
a black Orphan Annie. It’s just not
good enough to say she doesn’t look the part.
(Applause from the spectators’ gallery)
Reverend Al Sharpton: (to Alan Shore) That’s what you call a rabbit, son.
Denny Crane.
Denny Crane: Don’t waste your time trying to get in my head. There’s nothing
there.
Matthew Calder: What’s going on?
Alan Shore: I’ll keep it quick. These are for you. )pulls out 8x10 photos in
a manila folder, handing them to
Matthew Calder Photos.) Snapshots, really. Some delightful little business
between you and a hooker. A friend of
mine, actually. I earn Frequent Flyer miles. She’s a lovely woman. I
arranged for her to seek you out at the bar. I
particularly like that one, don’t you? Gives your bottom a nice . . . aura.
Here’s the deal. Sharon and the kids get to
go to New York, or I start printing copies. Is that powdered sugar, by the
way, that you’re snorting off her
magnificent porcelain breasts?
Matthew Calder: You are a lawyer in a prestigious law firm, for God’s sake.
Alan Shore: I know. Awful. Hate to extort and run, but I’m afraid I’ll need
an answer on this—now.
Denny Crane: First off: Clients come in here all the time wanting to shoot
me. You know what I tell them? Go
ahead. The worst thing about growing older, Ernie? You begin to slip. One
day you wake up and you’re “less
than.” And for me? I’m a legend, Ernie. I’m folklore in this town. Lawyers
have feared me for years. For Denny
Crane to slip? It would diminish my legacy. It would be a tragedy. Denny
Crane has to go out big—page one of the
Globe—New York Times, even. Do me a favor, Ernie. Pull the trigger.
Immortalize the legend. Pull the trigger. I
don’t ever want to be “less than.” Don’t let me become irrelevant. Pull it!
Ernie Dell: cocks the gun Okay. But before I do, don’t you at least want to
apologize?
Denny Crane: nods I do. I’m sorry, my friend. I’m truly sorry. Ernie, uh,
that gun—I bought it for you.
Remember? It’s a starter pistol, Ernie.
Brad Chase: He makes fun of me.
Lori Colson: I’m sorry?
Brad Chase: Shore. He thinks I’m a Ken doll. sigh No. It’s not right. He
calls me a Ken doll while he . . .
Lori Colson: (laughing) . . . plays with your Barbie.
Brad Chase: You got pictures of him with a hooker. You blackmailed him.
Alan Shore: You make it sound unsavory.
Brad Chase: Listen to me. I know how you practice law. I don’t practice law
like that.
Alan Shore: It was a rabbit. Well, really, a bunny. Marines don’t like
bunnies?
Brad Chase: You know the only reason I don’t report you to the Bar, mister .
. .
Alan Shore: Is because Sharon might not be able to go to New York with her
children, which shockingly is more
important than our combined ethical egos.
Brad Chase: You know what, sport? You and I now officially have a
relationship.
Alan Shore: Great. Perhaps we can get together and do a couple of push-ups,
sport.
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