Sheldon: I’ve been thinking about time travel again.
Leonard: Why, did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did
perfect a time machine, I’d just go into the past and give it to myself, thus
eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.
Leonard: Sounds like a breakthrough, should I call the science magazines and
tell them to hold the front cover? (Exiting the apartment.)
Sheldon: It’s time travel, Leonard, I will have already done that.
Leonard: Then I guess congratulations are in order.
Sheldon: No, congratulations will have been in order.
Sheldon: How’s this? Pleased to meet you, Dr Gablehouser. How fortunate for you
that the University has chosen to hire you, despite the fact that you’ve done no
original research in 25 years, and instead have written a series of popular
books that reduce the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each
one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement. Mahalo.
Leonard: Mahalo’s a nice touch.
Sheldon: Do you know there are only eight consonants in the Hawaiian language.
Leonard: Interesting, you should lead with that.
Raj: Oh, God, Look at this buffet. I love America.
Leonard: You don’t have buffets in India?
Raj: Of course, but it’s all Indian food. You can’t find a bagel in Mumbai to
save your life. Schmear me.Leonard: (Sees Howard entering with a statuesque blonde) Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A more plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an
amazing leap forward.
Howard: Hey, what up, science bitches?Sheldon: I can’t believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose
last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defence, I prefaced that by saying “with all due respect.”Leonard: You’re making eggs for breakfast?
Sheldon: This isn’t breakfast, it’s an experiment.
Leonard: Huh? Cos it looks a lot like breakfast.
Sheldon: I finally have the time to test my hypothesis, about the separation of
the water molecules from the egg proteins, and its impact vis-a-vis taste.
Leonard: Sounds yummy. I look forward to your work with bacon.
Sheldon: As do I.Penny: How come you didn’t go into work today.
Sheldon: I’m taking a sabbatical, because I won’t kow-tow to mediocre minds.
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned. But yeah.
Penny: Well, maybe it’s all for the best, you know I always say, when one door
closes, another one opens.
Sheldon: No it doesn’t. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays, or
there are motion sensors involved.Sheldon: Look, you’re not leaving yourself enough space between cars.
Penny: Oh, sure I am.
Sheldon: No, no. Let me do the math for you, this car weighs let’s say 4,000lb,
now add say 140 for me, 120 for you.
Penny: 120?
Sheldon: Oh, I’m sorry, did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into
your self worth?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Sheldon: Interesting. Anyway, that gives us a total weight of, let’s say,
4,400lb.
Penny: Let’s say 4,390.
Sheldon: Fine. We’re travelling forward at, good Lord, 51 miles an hour. Now
let’s assume that your brakes are new and the callipers are aligned, still, by
the time we come to a stop, we’ll be occupying the same space as that Buick in
front of us, an impossibility that nature will quickly resolve into death,
mutilation and… oh look, they built a new put-put course.Sheldon: No, this is fun. Oh, the thing about tomatoes, and I think you’ll
really enjoy this, is, they’re shelved with the vegetables, but they’re
technically a fruit.
Penny: Interesting.
Sheldon: Isn’t it?
Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.Sheldon (as Penny selects vitamin supplements): Oh boy.
Penny: What now?
Sheldon: Well, there’s some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body
can only absorb so much, what you’re buying here are the ingredients for very
expensive urine.
Penny: Well, maybe that’s what I was going for.Leonard: What’s with the fish?
Sheldon: It’s an experiment.
Leonard: What happened to your scrambled egg research?
Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they’re ever
going to be.
Leonard: So… fish.
Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists, who inserted DNA from
luminous jellyfish into other animals, and I thought hey, fish nightlights.
Leonard: Fish nightlights.
Sheldon: It’s a billion dollar idea. Shhhhh!
Leonard: Mum’s the word.Sheldon: Mom, what are you doing here?
Mrs Cooper: Leonard called me.
Sheldon: I know, but why?
Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the twenty-first century is raising
glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving sarapes.
Sheldon: This is not a sarape. This is a poncho. A sarape is open at the sides,
a poncho is closed, this is a poncho, and neither is a reason to call someone’s
mother.Mrs Cooper: He gets his temper from his daddy.
Leonard: Oh.
Mrs Cooper: He’s got my eyes.
Leonard: I see.
Mrs Cooper: All that science stuff, that comes from Jesus.Mrs Cooper: Oh, Leonard, don’t trouble yourself, he’s stubborn. He may stay in
there ‘til the Rapture.
Penny: Are we so sure that’s a bad thing?Mrs Cooper: Okay. Alright everybody, it’s time to eat. (Everybody begins to do
so) Oh Lord, we thank you for this meal, all your bounty, and we pray that you
help Sheldon get back on his rocker. (To Raj and Howard) Now after a moment of
silent meditation I’m going to end with “In Jesus’ Name” but you two don’t feel
any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the holy spirit moves you.Penny: Oh my God, this is the best cobbler I’ve ever had.
Mrs Cooper: It was always Sheldon’ s favourite. You know what the secret
ingredient is?
Penny: Love?
Mrs Cooper: Lard.Sheldon emerges from the bedroom area.
Howard: Hey, look who’s come out….
Mrs Cooper: Shhh! You’ll spook him. He’s like a baby deer, you gotta let him
come to you.
Sheldon crosses to the cobbler, takes some and puts it on a plate. Looks round
at the group in the matter of a frightened animal. Everyone but Leonard looks
down at their meal.
Leonard: This is ridiculous. Dammit, Sheldon, snap out of it. You’re a
physicist, you belong at the University doing research, not hiding in your room.
(Sheldon scuttles away)
Mrs Cooper: You don’t hunt, do you?Sheldon: I’m not going to apologise, I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.
Mrs Cooper: Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four
years old, it’s okay to be smarter than everybody but you can’t go around
pointing it out.
Sheldon: Why not?
Mrs Cooper: Because people don’t like it. Remember all the ass-kickings you got
from the neighbour kids? Now let’s get cracking. Shower, shirt, shoes, and let’s
shove off. (Exits)
Sheldon: Wouldn’t have been any ass-kickings if that stupid death ray had
worked.Mrs Cooper: Problem solved.
Leonard: Really? That’s impressive.
Mrs Cooper: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully
he blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.Leonard: Hey, how did it go?
Sheldon: I got my job back.
Leonard: Really? What happened?
Sheldon: I’m not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has
always eluded me.
Leonard: That narrows it down.Mrs Cooper: I’m very proud of you honey, you showed a lot of courage today.
Sheldon: Thanks, mom. Mom?
Mrs Cooper: Mmm-hmm?
Sheldon: Is Dr Gablehouser going to be my new daddy?
