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The Big Brain Hypothesis
Raj: Are there any chopsticks?
Sheldon: You don’t need chopsticks, this is Thai food.
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth
century. Interestingly they don’t actually put the fork in their mouth, they use
it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.
Leonard: Ask him for a napkin, I dare you.
Leonard: Um, if you don’t have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai
food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny: A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon: You’re kidding, right?
Penny: Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and
Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that?
Leonard,Sheldon and Howard together: One. (Raj raises one finger).
Sheldon: You realise that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.
Penny: Yes, I know, men can’t fly.
Sheldon: Oh no, let’s assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating
at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to
save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at
approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into
three equal pieces.
Leonard: Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She’s two feet above the ground.
Frankly, if he really loved her, he’d let her hit the pavement. It would be a
more merciful death.
Leonard: Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that
Superman’s flight is a feat of strength.
Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman’s
flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall
buildings, an ability he derives from Earth’s yellow Sun.
Howard: Yeah, and you don’t have a problem with that, how does he fly at night.
Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the moon’s solar reflection and the energy storage
capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Leonard: We don’t need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual
descendents of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the
Earth, it’s just a matter… (starts to move package) I don’t have this… I don’t
have this I don’t have this.
Sheldon: Archimedes would be so proud.
Leonard: Do you have any ideas?
Sheldon: Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.
Sheldon: Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
Sheldon: You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the
odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?
Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon: Yeah, those are men who just had sex.
Sheldon: No, it hurt… (looking around) Great Caesar’s Ghost, look at this place?
Leonard: So Penny’s a little messy.
Sheldon: A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little
messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organisational system where a
tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I’m just inferring that this is a couch,
because the evidence suggests the coffee table’s having a tiny garage sale.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Straightening up.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is not your home.
Sheldon: This is not anyone’s home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.
Leonard: When the transvestite lived here, you didn’t care how he kept the
place.
Sheldon: Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man’s closet, it was
left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.
Leonard: What were you doing in his closet?
Sheldon: I helped run some cable for a webcam.
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: Sssshhhh! Penny’s sleeping.
Leonard: Are you insane, you can’t just break into a woman’s apartment in the
middle of the night and clean.
Sheldon: I had no choice. I couldn’t sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom
was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and
immediately adjacent to that hallway was… this.
Leonard: Do you realise that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable
explanation as to why we’re here?
Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard: No, no. You gave me an explanation, it’s reasonableness will be
determined by a jury of your peers.
Sheldon: Don’t be ridiculous. I have no peers.
Sheldon: I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply
and well.
Leonard: I’m not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into
your neighbour’s apartment and clean.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Leonard: You think?
Sheldon: Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the
end result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny’s quality of life.
Leonard: You know what, you’ve convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in
and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon: You don’t think that crosses a line?
Leonard: Yes! For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every
time I open my mouth.
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?
Leonard: No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.
Penny (voice off): Son of a Bitch!
Leonard: Penny’s up.
Penny (voice off): You sick, geeky bastards!
Leonard: How did she know it was us?
Sheldon: I may have left a suggested organisational schematic for her bedroom
closet.
Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that’s either a proctologist or a general
surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh!
Sheldon: I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full
responsibility. And I hope that it won’t colour your opinion of Leonard, who is
not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Penny
closes door in his face.) I did what I could.
Howard: What’s his problem?
Sheldon: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
Howard: Been there.
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Page updated 1/29/13
        
      
      
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