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Pilot
Leonard: Yes. Um, is this the High IQ sperm bank?
Receptionist: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn’t be here.
Sheldon: No. We are committing genetic fraud. There’s no guarantee that our
sperm is going to generate high IQ offspring, think about that. I have a sister
with the same basic DNA mix who hostesses at Fuddruckers.
Leonard: Sheldon, this was your idea. A little extra money to get fractional T1
bandwidth in the apartment.
Sheldon: I know, and I do yearn for faster downloads, but there’s some poor
woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler
who doesn’t know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve the
area under a curve.
Sheldon: If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimetres,
most people will trip.
Leonard: I don’t care. Two millimetres? That doesn’t seem right.
Sheldon: No, it’s true, I did a series of experiments when I was twelve, my
father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No, that was the result of my work with lasers.
Leonard: New neighbour?
Sheldon: Evidently.
Leonard: Significant improvement over the old neighbour.
Sheldon: Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition, yes she is.
Leonard: We don’t mean to interrupt, we live across the hall.
Penny: Oh, that’s nice.
Leonard: Oh… uh… no… we don’t live together… um… we live together but in
separate, heterosexual bedrooms.
Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon: No. We’re going to start Season Two of Battlestar Galactica.
Leonard: We already watched the Season Two DVDs.
Sheldon: Not with commentary.
Leonard: I think we should be good neighbours, invite her over, make her feel
welcome.
Sheldon: We never invited Louis-slash-Louise over.
Leonard: Well, then that was wrong of us. We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace.
Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them.
Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it.
Leonard: I’m going to invite her over. We’ll have a nice meal and chat.
Sheldon: Chat? We don’t chat. At least not offline.
Leonard: Well it’s not difficult, you just listen to what she says and then you
say something appropriate in response.
Sheldon: To what end?
Leonard: Anyway, um. We brought home Indian food. And, um. I know that moving
can be stressful, and I find that when I’m undergoing stress, that good food and
company can have a comforting effect. Also, curry is a natural laxative, and I
don’t have to tell you that, uh, a clean colon is just one less thing to worry
about.
Sheldon: Leonard, I’m not expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon
invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Penny: Holy smokes.
Sheldon: If by holy smokes you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of
stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men’s room at MIT, sure.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Oh, come on. Who hasn’t seen this differential below “here I sit broken
hearted?”
Leonard: At least I didn’t have to invent twenty-six dimensions just to make the
math come out.
Sheldon: I didn’t invent them, they’re there.
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In all of them, that is the point.
Penny: So, Klingon boggle?
Leonard: Yeah, it’s like regular boggle but, in Klingon. That’s probably enough
about us, tell us about you.
Penny: Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you
need to know.
Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion
that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations
and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality.
Penny: Oh, anyways, I’m also writing a screenplay. It’s about this sensitive
girl who comes to L.A. from Lincoln Nebraska to be an actress, and winds up a
waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: So it’s based on your life?
Penny: No, I’m from Omaha.
Sheldon: It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her clothes off in
our apartment.
Leonard: That’s not true, remember at Thanksgiving my grandmother with
Alzheimer’s had that episode.
Sheldon: Point taken. It has been some time since we’ve had a woman take her
clothes off after which we didn’t want to rip our eyes out.
Leonard: The worst part was watching her carve that turkey.
Leonard: I’m not going to engage in hypotheticals here, I’m just trying to be a
good neighbour.
Sheldon: Oh, of course.
Leonard: That’s not to say that if a carnal relationship were to develop that I
wouldn’t participate. However briefly.
Sheldon: Do you think this possibility will be helped or hindered when she
discovers your Luke Skywalker no-more-tears shampoo?
Leonard: It’s Darth Vader shampoo. (There is a knock on the door.) Luke
Skywalker’s the conditioner.
Howard: Hang on, there really is a lady here?
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Howard: And you want us out because you’re anticipating coitus?
Leonard: I’m not anticipating coitus.
Howard: So she’s available for coitus?
Leonard: Can we please stop saying coitus?
Sheldon: Technically that would be coitus interruptus.
Howard: Bon douche.
Penny: I’m sorry?
Howard: It’s French for good shower. It’s a sentiment I can express in six
languages.
Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.
Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard: Must we?
Sheldon: Event A. A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B. We
drive half way across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned
woman’s ex-boyfriend. Query, on what plane of existence is there even a
semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard: She asked me to do her a favour, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ah, yes, well that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we
both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher level distal cause.
Leonard: Which is?
Sheldon: You think with your penis.
Howard: Oh, he speaks English, he just can’t speak to women.
Penny: Really, why?
Howard: He’s kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Leonard: Sheldon, I’m so sorry I dragged you through this.
Sheldon: It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last.
Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a
relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex.
Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants.
Sheldon: Thank you. You’re not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart and beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
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Page updated 1/29/13
        
      
      
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