Y&R Transcript Wednesday 2/20/19

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Episode #11557 ~ Nikki Newman takes a stroll down memory lane.

Provided By Suzanne

Mrs. Newman. I have those things you requested.

Nikki: Oh! Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

[ Grunts ] The paper and pen were nothing. Your lawyer must have pulled some strings to get the rest for you. What do you need it for?

Nikki: Um, well, I -- I don't know when or if I'll be going home, and, uh, if not... I need to put my affairs in order, and this will help me start to do that.

Nikki: To my darling

grandchildren -- noah, reed,

summer, faith, johnny, katie,

and christian...

as I write this, I'm sitting at

a desk in a very small room.

It's a jail cell where the

judge said I have to stay while

I'm waiting to stand trial.

There's so much I want to share

with you.

How I got to this crossroads in

my life, sitting here facing an

uncertain future, I've realized

that it's time.

Some of you will read this

soon.

Others, not until you're older.

But it's something you can all

hold onto.

If I'm convicted of murder,

many words will be written

about me, mostly by people

who've never met me and have no

idea who I truly am.

I want my grandchildren to know

who the real nikki newman

was -- her mistakes, her

triumphs, her sorrows, and her

joys.

This is my life story.

Additional sponsorship

provided by...

your great-grandmother

barbara ann reed raised my

older sister casey and me as a

single mother after she

divorced my father.

She never complained, but even

as a a little girl, I knew it

was a struggle for her to keep

things going.

Casey grew up to be an

incredible woman.

She studied hard and became a

doctor.

Once she finished medical

school and could help support

us, things got easier.

That simple life was shattered

one day when mama was killed in

a car accident and my father

came back to town.

Casey: Nikki, why didn't you tell me he was here?

Nikki: Look, it's no secret to anybody how you feel about him, but he's changed, casey.

Casey: Look, I don't know what he's told you, but I know one thing -- it is very difficult for a man with his kind of problems to change.

Nick reed was a terrible drunk

and a disgusting excuse for a

human being.

Nikki: But daddy has! Casey, I know! All the time he's been with me, he hasn't so much as looked at a drink.

Casey: I'm not just talking about his drinking, nikki!

Nikki: Well, then what are you talking about?

Years before, when casey was a

teenager, he had sexually

assaulted her.

I knew that's why mama threw

him out and never looked back.

Nikki: Daddy would never hurt me.

Casey: He will, nikki. As long as that man is living there with you... I just know that something awful could happen, and I cannot bear the thought of that.

When he came home after she

died, he tried to do the same

to me.

But I didn't let him.

Nikki: Get away!

[ Sobbing ] I killed daddy, my own father! Casey, I killed him!

[ Sobbing continues ]

After he was gone, so was my

carefree childhood.

While casey worked long hours

at the hospital to support us,

I was left to my own devices.

That's when I met

paul williams.

If you'd told me he'd end up

being one of my best friends

for life, I never would've

believed you.

We were just two crazy kids,

trying to find our place in the

world.

Nikki: Paul. There's somebody out there!

Paul: It sounds like the whole damn team, nikki.

Nikki: What are we gonna do? They're gonna be in here any minute.

Paul: I don't know, give me a second, let me think, all right?

Nikki: What do you mean, think? We got to do something. We got to get out of here!

Paul: Uh...

Nikki: Paul!

Paul: All right, all right! Come on, come on.

[ Men cheering ]

But I soon found exactly what

I was looking for.

Or so I thought.

Nikki: I told you my name. So what's yours?

Greg.

I threw caution to the wind and

leapt into marriage with a

wonderful man, greg foster.

Nikki: I am getting married! Me, nikki reed. I am actually getting married. Oh, casey!

I assumed everything would be

perfect then, but I was so

naive.

I wasn't ready for marriage.

I wound up sabotaging our

relationship.

I craved excitement, making one

mistake after another.

Poor greg.

Being a good little wife just

wasn't for me.

To say I didn't exercise the

best judgment, or trust the

right people, is putting it

mildly.

I kept looking for adventure,

for a new purpose, without

stopping to ask "what am i

really getting into?"

If I had, I never would have

joined new world -- a cult.

It started out sweet and

peaceful.

Nikki: The most wonderful thing happened. I met these really neat people, paul. They took me home with them, and that's where I'm staying now. They're just so good to me, paul. They gave me a place to stay and food to eat. They're not related or anything, but they're like a family, a real close family.

Paul: [ Sighs ] You mean it's like a commune?

Nikki: Yeah. It's kind of like that.

Paul: Oh, that sounds kind of weird to me, nikki.

Nikki: Look, any mistakes that I may have made, the universe doesn't hold them against me. Today is all that counts, and we're all free -- all of us. No matter what we've done to just go on and build a better life for us, a better world.

It was all a lie.

I had allowed myself to be

manipulated again.

Paul joined me there for a

while, seeking his own

serenity, but quickly moved on.

I realized I needed to

control my own destiny.

I came into my own in the

most unexpected of places,

a club called the bayou.

I loved every second of being

in the spotlight.

Nikki: This time, I went out there, I just told myself there's nothing to be afraid of, and then, pretty soon, I noticed that they were looking at me differently, you know? I mean, they were really into what I was doing. They liked it! They liked me!

Plenty of people disapproved,

but I had no regrets.

Not one.

Casey: What's wrong? A little bit embarrassed about this job you've been telling me about? Let me see, it was performing in the arts, wasn't it? Look, if this job makes you feel so good, then why are you afraid to talk about it? Tell me!

Nikki: All right! Okay, you want to talk, let's talk. I'm not ashamed of what I'm doing at all. In fact, I'm very proud of it. What do you have to say to me now?

I had no idea where this path i

was on would lead, but there,

in that little strip club, the

course of my life was changed forever.

[ Cheering ]

Quite a talent, wouldn't you say, old boy?

Victor: Mm-hmm. Quite a talent, indeed.

[ Cheering continues ] (Announcer) do you push through migraine?

Victor is the love of my life.

Always has been, always will

be.

But he's not the only man I've

loved, and he's sure not the

only one I married.

My full name is

nikki reed foster bancroft

newman abbott landers newman

chow sharpe abbott newman.

Granted, some of those vows

never should've been exchanged.

But when it comes to "for

better, for worse," I've had

more than my share of better.

Starting with jack abbott.

I think it's safe now to say we

weren't meant to be,

romantically speaking.

Still, I cherish him and his

unwavering friendship.

Jack: Do not forget. You are not alone. You have family and friends in this town who love you, who would do anything for you, who want only the best for you.

Nikki: I will never forget that.

Jack: If you ever need anything from your old pal jack, though, I am a phone call away.

Nikki: I won't forget it.

Jack is someone I can always

count on.

We respect each other in a way

that's rare and special.

I am lucky to have him in my

life.

But, in the end, your

grandfather is it for me.

Victor newman is larger than

life, the undisputed master of

the grand romantic gesture.

Nikki: Oh, my god.

[ Gasps ] Diamonds? They're real! They're real diamonds! Oh!

Victor: Now, have I forgotten anything to get you off to a good new year?

Nikki: Yes. Yes, you have.

Victor: Well, you're just gonna have to wait till your birthday. When, by the way, is your birthday?

Nikki: It's not until may, and I don't want to wait that long for what I want.

Victor: Well, aren't you turning into a greedy little girl.

Nikki: But you asked me what else I wanted.

Victor: All right. I'll take my life and my pocketbook in my hand, and i tell you that whatever it is, you shall have.

Nikki: I want you to kiss me.

Victor: No, don't ask me that. You don't really --

Nikki: I want you to kiss me. Victor, the coat and the bracelet, they're fabulous, but I want you to show me your real feelings.

Victor: I mean, isn't that what I have been doing?

Nikki: No! You've been giving me things. And I want you.

Victor: Hmm. And a kiss would be more assuring than just things?

Nikki: Yes. Just one kiss. And if you don't kiss me, I'm not going to keep anything that you've given me.

Victor: Well, you drive a hard bargain, don't you?

Nikki: Am I that unattractive?

Victor: You're adorable. And you test a man's patience to the limit. All right.

Nikki: Put -- put your arms around me first.

Victor: This is not gonna prove anything, you know.

Nikki: Just put your arms around me.

Victor: Now, remember, this was your idea.

Victor took me in, his "diamond

in the rough," as he called me,

and swept me off my feet.

[ "Here comes the bride" plays ]

Victor: I join you in marriage, nikki, to make you my wife for the length of our days, to love and comfort you, in joy and in sorrow. To support and to care for you. To cherish and respect you. And to give of myself.

But nobody's life is a fairy

tale, including ours.

There have been times when I've

had to walk away from victor to

save myself.

We've hurt each other badly.

Victor: You want me to blame myself for this kind of betrayal?

Nikki: I was sick and tired of being lonely, victor, and i couldn't reach you!

Victor: What have you done to us?

Nikki: You don't understand any of this! God! He -- he offered me a future, victor! He offered me a life filled with love and romance, all those things... that I didn't think were possible with you anymore.

[ Sobbing ]

Victor: There are no expectations for our future anymore, and there never will be. Never. Because what you have done, is unforgivable.

We've ended things only to

reunite again and again.

The connection between victor

and me, it's indescribable.

We understand each other in

ways no one else can.

We share a profound and unbreakable bond.

[ Horse whinnying ]

Victor: Stay. Come here. When I asked you to marry me earlier, I didn't do it in the right way.

Nikki: You did not have to.

Victor: Yeah, well, I want to. I'm a very fortunate man. But without you... I have nothing. I had everything I ever wanted in you. So... will you marry me?

The love we have for each other

and for our family is the

light that's guided me and

given me hope even on my

darkest days.

Nikki: Do you know how to say "vodka" in spanish?

Katherine: Are you drinking? Answer me!

Nikki: Yes, I am drinking, katherine.

I'm grateful to be able to

write you this letter, even

under my current trying

circumstances, because I'm

grateful to be alive at all.

I've been sick, I've gotten

well, gone into remission, then

relapsed.

I also suffer from a disease as

insidious as my ms, which i

must deal with every day --

my drinking.

I've often wondered if i

inherited this addiction from

my father, or was it just born

from a terrible string of

events?

A back injury that led to

painkillers, and when the pills

weren't enough, to vodka.

Perhaps it doesn't matter

because the fact is, I'm an

alcoholic, and heaven knows

the days I drowned myself in a

bottle were ones I wish I could

pretend never happened.

But far more disturbing than my

embarrassing behavior is how

close I came to dying because i

chose to live in denial and

lost control.

Jack: God, don't you see what's happening? Don't you see it, nikki? All this drinking? You're blacking out! This is the second time that it's happened, nikki! And it's gonna be more frequent. It's already happening.

I'm so lucky I had people

around who loved me and forced

me to open my eyes.

And fought for me even when i

wasn't sure I had it in me to

fight for myself.

Victor: And you're the mother of my children. I know this is an illness, I know this is an addiction. What the hell am I talking about? I know that you're not listening to word I say right now. It means nothing to you!

Nikki: [ Crying ] Yes, it does. It does.

Victor: Then let me help you. Please, let me help you. All I want to do is help you. Okay?

That's one of the most

important lessons I want to

pass on to you.

When you're feeling lost,

remember that you are not

alone.

Nikki: What really matters here is that I am serious about my recovery. Walk the walk.

Neil: I couldn't agree more.

Nikki: I don't need rehab to do that. I mean, I certainly don't need that public ridicule and...

[ Sighs ] That indignity.

Neil: I'm not gonna force you to do anything. I'm just gonna simply remind you that you're not alone in all this. You see, victor needs you much more than he'll admit. You've got children, you've got grandkids, and they're all looking up to you. And your job is to help navigate them through life. You are the matriarch. You are the example. Now, my guess is that you want this, that you really need this. It's your choice.

Your friends, your family,

even a good samaritan, someone

you'd never expect will reach

out a hand, and all you have to

do is take it.

"The young and the restless"

will continue.

I can just imagine you reading

this, thinking, "okay, grandma,

keep dishing out advice from

inside that jail.

Sure has helped you a lot."

But it's not just lip service.

I believe every word of what i

just told you.

If I didn't have faith, didn't

hold onto the sense of

possibility that each new day

brings, I don't know how

I would have dealt with some of

the losses I've endured, things

that seemed unbearable at the

time.

Nikki: The pain is still very fresh for you, isn't it?

Jack: [ Sighs ] Something happened to me today that brought it all back to the surface.

Nikki: What happened? Tell me.

Jack: This woman visited me in the office.

Nikki: What woman?

Jack: Name was suzanne cook. She brought a baby with her, nik. It turns out this little boy was born with a severe heart defect. Doctors only gave him a month, maybe two. That is, until a donor came along. And this baby was born prematurely, whose parents had agreed to donate any usable organs that another child might live. And he, uh, had a heart transplant.

Nikki: Oh, my god. So this... this baby, this woman's baby...

Jack: He's alive today because of our son. That little boy who didn't make it.

How do you comprehend the death

of a child?

Or make any sense of it?

The answer is -- you don'T.

Nikki: [ Sighs ] I just can't believe she's gone. I just can't believe it's not real.

Victor: I know.

Nikki: It's not real. How can this be happening? How can cassie be gone? I can't accept this.

Victor: I'll tell you one thing, I've never felt so helpless in my life, standing at her bedside and watching her life slip away.

Nikki: Darling, don't torture yourself.

Victor: I just keep on wondering -- what the hell made her walk out of the hospital that night?

Nikki: I don't know. These are questions we'll never have answers to.

Victor: [ Sighs ] The question is, can we live with not knowing the answer to that?

Nikki: We have no choice.

You find a way to go on because

you have to, because there's

still an entire future ahead of

you.

Being a parent involves a

tremendous amount of hard work.

You're under so much pressure

to impart the right values and

set a good example.

That doesn't change, even when

your children are all grown up,

whether they live nearby or far

from home.

Nikki: All right, baby. Tell us everything. Tell us about your life here. Are you well? Are you happy?

Victoria: Don't I look happy?

Nikki: Yes, you do. You do.

Victoria: I've never been more at peace.

Victor: Well, that explains why you have stayed away from us for so long.

I'm sure victoria and nicholas

didn't always appreciate my

maternal style.

When I disapproved of their

choices, I didn't hesitate to

let them know.

Nikki: Would you rather i lie? Would you rather I just walk around singing her praises when you know I have serious questions about her background and about her intentions?

Nick: Oh, right. That's right, you think sharon's after the newman fortune. So you think that's my appeal.

Nikki: I never said that. But whether you like it or not, you are gonna run into girls who are gonna want to exploit you.

Nick: You know, mom, you're doing wonders for my ego.

Nikki: You...

Sharon: [ Gasps, screams ]

Nikki: ...Are a whore! You tramp!

Sharon: You...

Nikki: Don't you touch me.

Sharon: ...Are a dried-up drunk. Why don't you mount one of victor's clydesdales and ride on over to jimmy's?

Nikki: Oh, oh, oh. That's a good one, sharon. Yeah, and give you an opportunity to jump in the hay with victor and earn another horse!

Sharon: Well, you don't have enough in the tank to earn yourself a donkey -- heehaw!

Nikki: You have nothing! Get off this ranch!

Sharon: Bessie, would you like some hay?

Nikki: You shut your mouth!

Sharon: [ Screaming ]

But there were also times when

I saw they were happy, so i

stayed quiet and tried to

support them.

Nikki: Victor, let me ask you something.

Victor: Yeah.

Nikki: Are your feelings about this strictly based on billy and your worry for victoria, or simply that billy is an abbott?

Victor: Both.

Nikki: Well, I hate to tell you this, but I think victoria has been happier than she's ever been, and if billy is the same, I don't know that we're ever gonna get her back.

When you have children and hold

those sweet babies in your

arms, nothing will ever come

close to the joy you feel.

Nikki: Hi, angel. Yes, you're gonna get christened today.

[ Gasps ] Yeah.

Victor: I'm not late, am I?

Nikki: Oh, no. We just got here. Kevin's parking the car, and i wanted to get the baby warm inside. Wait till you see the baby. Doesn't she look like a little angel? Look, honey! Look who's here! Look!

And that feeling never goes

away.

Neither does the desire for

them to be happy and healthy

and safe.

A deep need to protect them at

any cost because their lives

are more important to you than

your own.

Nikki: [ Sobbing ] My baby pwas fighting for her life. I'm her mother. I am her mother. I reached for whatever was closest, and I swung it as hard as I could.

They are a part of you forever,

heart and soul, and when they

have children of their own,

your heart just grows larger

because you have even more love

to give.

More than you ever dreamed

possible, and that is life's

greatest gift. I can't tell you who i am or what I witnessed,

When katherine died, I was in

shock.

Nikki: Let me know that you've got an empty hole inside of you that will never be filled again! Yell, scream, throw something! I want to know that you are as devastated as I am that you didn't get to say goodbye to your best friend in the world! My best friend... in the world... I don't have her anymore. She's gone. I'm so lost, victor. And we weren't finished! We weren't finished! I needed to talk to her one last time.

[ Sobbing ]

She was like a second mother to

me, best friend, mentor,

confidant all rolled into one.

Katherine: Welcome to my home, ms. Reed.

Nikki: You're -- you're katherine chancellor?

Katherine: The one and only. And you're nikki reed.

Nikki: Uh, the one and only.

This was a woman who always

said "I'm gonna live till i

die."

And, boy, did she.

Right up until the very end.

Katherine: Did you pour liberally?

Nikki: You mean did I try and get him drunk?

Katherine: I know it's always a last resort, and, unfortunately, when a man has drunk enough to drown his inhibitions, he has usually drowned his ability to perform, as well.

Nikki: Well, I could lie to him and say he did. I mean, after the ice is broken, who cares?

Katherine: No, somehow, i really don't think victor would respond to that tactic.

Nikki: [ Sighs ] I wish there was some way that I could --

Katherine: Seduce him. But with honest.

Nikki: If he would just it happen, katherine. If he'd let down his defenses...

Katherine: Yes, well, a man like victor is on the defense every waking hour.

Nikki: Yeah.

Katherine: So you catch him napping -- literally.

Nikki: What do you mean?

Katherine: Attack when he's asleep.

Nikki: You mean, actually sneak into his bed when he's asleep?

Katherine: Mm-hmm, yeah, i mean, unless he's getting -- i mean, you know, having sex somewhere else.

Nikki: Oh, no, I'm sure he's not.

Katherine: Well, I, uh... I presume you're very good at it.

Nikki: At what?

Katherine: Love-making. However, if you do need to brush up...

Nikki: Uh, no, uh, I -- I think I'll be fine. I haven't had any complaints.

Katherine: No, no, nikki. What I am suggesting -- that you might have to be a bit more aggressive than you've had to be. I mean, uh, there are certain, well, you know, procedures --

Nikki: Katherine, I -- I know. I know, I know.

Katherine: I felt you did. Well, it never hurts to refresh one's memory.

I can still hear her reminding

me in that gravelly voice of

hers -- "there's a time for

crying, but then you've got to

wipe away your tears and

appreciate all that you still

have, and, whatever you do,

never, ever take the people you

care about for granted.

Katherine: It is so wonderful to have you out of that hospital, back in your own home, and headed for a full recovery.

Nikki: I can't thank you enough.

Katherine: Oh...

Nikki: For all of your prayers, being there for me and my family.

Katherine: [ Chuckles ]

Nikki: You truly are my dearest, dearest friend.

Katherine: [ Laughing ] Oh! All right, how are you feeling now, hmm?

Nikki: Well, how do I look?

Katherine: Well, it looks like you're counting the days until you're 100% again so you can climb in your car, head into town, and go on a marathon shopping spree.

Nikki: [ Laughs ] You know me so well.

Katherine: Mm-hmm.

So, this is me letting you know

just how much I appreciate you.

Each and every one of you

grandkids make me realize how

blessed I truly am.

Nikki: I would give anything in the world to have you back. Anything. It would be worth dying just to be with you again.

Victor: You mustn't think of destroying yourself. You don't have to. I'm back now.

Nikki: Oh, god. Oh, god. I'm -- I'm dreaming. This is a dream. [ Sobbing ]

Victor: No. I'm alive, and I'm well.

Nikki: [ Gasps ] Victor!

Victor: Yes!

Nikki: [ Sobbing ] Oh, god! Oh, my god. I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

Victor: It's all right. It's all right.

Nikki: [ Cries ]

Victor: Everything is over with now. Everything is gonna be all right.

Nikki: [ Laughs ] Oh, my god. How -- how did this happen?

Victor: I buried my empty casket. It's true that I nearly died, and it was necessary that everyone thought that I was dead.

Nikki: Where have you been?

Victor: Right here in genoa city.

Nikki: [ Laughs ]

Victor: Let's sit down over there, shall we? I'll explain the whole story to you.

I hope this letter has

accomplished what I set out to

do, that you now understand me

a little bit better.

Feel closer to me.

I feel closer to you, having

shared all this, and never

forget, my darlings...

wherever I am, whatever I'm

doing... you are with me, in my

heart, in my thoughts and

prayers.

All my love...

nikki.

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