Friday Y&R Transcript 5/16/03

Y&R Transcript Friday 5/16/03--Canada; 5/19/03--USA

Provided By Eric
Proofread by Suvi

Nikki: Victor, I-- what are you doing here?

Sharon: I... came to see Victor?

Nikki: Your idea?

Sharon: Well, he didn't invite me, if that's what you're worried about.

Nikki: I'm not worried. I'm disgusted that you would have the gall to come back to this town and show your face here in Victor's office.

Sharon: You know, Victor is the one person in this family who has ever shown me a hint of compassion.

Nikki: Which is much more than you deserve after the way you turned your back on your children, not to mention your husband!

Sharon: You know what? I'm not going to defend myself to you, because it would be pointless.

Nikki: It would also be impossible. There is no defense, Sharon. Your behavior was contemptible. You could do us all a huge favor by just going away, and this time stay away!

************************************************************************

John: I want to be wrong about you, Charlotte. I really want you to be Jill's birth mother.

Charlotte: Mmm. Funny way you have of showing it, telling me I have to prove I'm not a fraud.

John: Shouldn't be hard, not if you are who you say you are.

Charlotte: So much for innocent until proven guilty.

John: Tell me, were you able to have children?

Charlotte: When?

John: When you were young.

Charlotte: I had Jill, didn't I?

John: Oh, you're telling me that Katherine Chancellor did not help you get an abortion?

Charlotte: You're crazy.

John: Answer me.

Charlotte: No, she did not.

John: Ever?

Charlotte: I would remember, don't you think?

John: An abortion that nearly killed you?

Charlotte: No. It didn't happen to me. What's wrong with you?

John: It's your story, Charlotte. That's what's wrong. It doesn't hold water.

Charlotte: Why do you care?

John: Because I do not want Jill taken advantage of. Now I'm going to give you one more chance to come clean with me, or I'm going straight to Jill.

***************************************************************************

Raul: Hey.

Brittany: Hey! I thought you were gonna hang out at the coffeehouse for awhile.

Raul: Yeah. I, uh, changed my mind.

Brittany: Oh. Well, you have the whole place to yourself. Mac and Billy are out taking care of wedding stuff, and I'm off to the Lodge to see my Mom.

Raul: Yeah. Baby, I don't think you should go over there.

Brittany: Why not?

Raul: I think we need to talk.

Brittany: Oh, can it please wait? I told my Mom I'm on my way.

Raul: I-I can't let you see your Mom, not... not until I tell you something.

********************************************************************

Lily: Hey. Where were you? Second period? French? How come you weren't there?

Colleen: Because I was here.

Lily: What, you just decided to skip school all day?

Colleen: I had permission.

Lily: Um, look, I know I've been kind of a pain lately--

Colleen: It's not you.

Lily: I meant... look, if something's wrong and I can help somehow, then I--

Colleen: You can't. Anyway, I'm leaving soon. I'm meeting J.T.

Lily: Well, then why do you look like you're going to a funeral? Will you please talk to me?

Colleen: I have to go.

Lily: Fine. I won't keep bugging you. Besides, if anyone can cheer you up, it's Mr. Gorgeous hunk, guaranteed.

Lily: Colleen, what's wrong? What did I say?

Colleen: It's J.T. He's been cheating on me.

*************************************************************************

J.T.: Sorry it took so long.

Lauren: Boy, I'll say. I was starting to wonder if you were ever coming back.

J.T.: I got tied up.

Lauren: I thought you were just going out to see someone.

J.T.: Why is it when you try to be a friend to some people, it all gets turned around, and suddenly you're the bad guy?

Lauren: Mmm. You really want me to answer that?

J.T.: No.

Lauren: So are you meeting colleen?

J.T.: Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be great, especially after, you know--

Lauren: Yeah. You broke things off with Anita Hodges.

****************************************************************************

Nick: About time for a break, kiddo?

Cassie: After I finish my math, Dad.

Nick: Teachers really loaded you up, didn't they?

Cassie: Well, I don't mind. I want to catch up before I go back to school.

Nick: I don't want you overdoing it, okay?

Cassie: I won't.

Nick: I'm serious. If you get a little tired, you know, just take a break. There's no sense in pushing it so hard.

Cassie: You worry too much.

Nick: That's my job. Speaking of, um...

Nick: There's something we need to talk about.

Cassie: What?

Nick: Your Mother.

Cassie: Dad, I don't want to talk about Mom, okay?

Nick: I know. I know you don't, but this is very important.

Cassie: What is it?

Nick: She's back in town.

***************************************************************************

Sharon: So you think I should just leave, just like that.

Nikki: I think you've caused this family enough damage.

Sharon: Well, that's why I'm here, to repair some of that damage.

Nikki: As if that were possible.

Sharon: Well, Victor seems to think my children need me.

Nikki: Yes, let's talk about Victor, shall we? Do you realize the Hell you have put him through?

Sharon: Yeah, I do... and I came here to apologize to him.

Nikki: Ah, I see. So then everything will be all right because you apologized.

Sharon: Of course not.

Nikki: You do know that Cassie almost died while you were gone.

Sharon: And I will regret not being here for her for as long as I live.

Nikki: You never even called. Aside from those pitiful letters, those kids had no way of knowing if you gave a damn about them or not.

Sharon: And you, Nikki, having always been the perfect Mother, you just can't wait to condemn me, can you? You know, it must be wonderful having never made a mistake in raising your children, having nothing that you regret doing.

Nikki: I am far from perfect, Sharon, but what you did to those kids-- you put your own selfish needs ahead of theirs. You used them to further your sick obsession with Victor.

Sharon: All right. All right. You know what? Shut up.

Nikki: Don't tell me to shut up!

Sharon: Just stop right there, okay? I have no obsession with Victor.

Nikki: Really? Well, then how do you explain kissing him, your own father-in-law? It's disgusting! What do you call that?

***********************************************************************

Charlotte: Haven't you seen how happy Jill is to have me in her life?

John: Then you admit that you're not her birth mother?

Charlotte: You just don't give up, do you? No, I don't admit anything.

John: Charlotte, don't force me to bring in Katherine Chancellor.

Charlotte: Why Katherine?

John: Because I could tell that she recognized you the other day at lunch even though she didn't want me to. No, you are the young woman that she helped get rid of that unwanted pregnancy many years ago. And you're also the young woman who could never have children again.

Charlotte: Katherine hates Jill. What makes you think she'll get involved, or that Jill will believe her if she did?

John: All right. Fine you want to play it that way? Then we'll see.

Charlotte: Damn! Isn't there any way I can get you to stop this?

John: Yes. Tell me how you got your name on Jill's birth certificate.

Charlotte: There are things I-I can't tell you. Can't we please just leave it at that?

John: No, I'm afraid not.

Charlotte: I haven't known Jill very long, but I've come to like her, John, a lot.

John: What's not to like? You gained a wealthy relative who spoils you.

Charlotte: Everything's about money to you. Don't you get it? She wants me to be her Mother. She wants us to share something she didn't have.

John: But she did. You met Liz Foster. Trust me. Believe me, she was a terrific Mother to Jill.

Charlotte: Don't be blind, John. She needs something, and you know what? She makes me want to be that something. I can help her. I-I've quit drinking. We're changing each other's lives for the better. Can't you just leave us alone?

John: I'm sorry, Charlotte, but I have to tell her.

Jill: Charlotte? John! What's going on?

*****************************************************************************

Cassie: Yeah, I heard. Mom's back.

Nick: Yeah.

Cassie: Have you seen her?

Nick: I have.

Cassie: Has Noah?

Nick: No.

Cassie: Is she okay?

Nick: As far as I could tell. She's really missed you guys.

Cassie: I'll bet.

Nick: Look, sweetheart, I know how you feel.

Cassie: No. I don't feel anything... not anymore, not for Mom.

Nick: Well, she seemed really sorry for what she's done.

Cassie: It's a little late for that, isn't it?

Nick: She tried her best to explain why she left.

Cassie: Yeah? Why?

Nick: Well, it's confusing. I'm not sure I understand it myself.

Cassie: Does it matter? She left, and now she's back. Who cares?

Nick: Sweetheart, I know you don't mean that.

Cassie: Dad, could we please talk about something else?

Nick: Okay. Well, the thing is, she really wants to see you.

Cassie: Well, I don't want to see her.

Nick: Might help you with those nightmares you've been having.

Cassie: Dad, are you thinking of letting her come back?

Nick: No. No. That just wouldn't work right now.

Cassie: Good. Because the next time you guys have problems, or she gets depressed, she might leave us again. And besides, you, me and Noah are doing fine, aren't we?

Nick: Yeah, we are.

Cassie: And Miguel's gonna give me cooking lessons, so I can fix dinners like Mom used to.

Nick: Sweetheart, sit down. Listen to me. I don't want you to feel like you've got to replace your Mother, okay? I'm the grown-up. You let me worry about stuff like that. I just want you to be a kid. I want you to enjoy that, all right?

Cassie: Okay. So you'll tell her I don't want to see her?

Nick: Yeah, I'll tell her, but I want you to let me know if you change your mind.

Cassie: I will. I'm gonna do the rest of my math upstairs, okay?

Nick: Okay.

***************************************************************************

Nikki: You're not gonna try to deny it, are you? Because everybody knows. Everybody knows that Victor was protecting you when he told Nicholas that he was the aggressor. The truth is that you came on to Victor that day, not the other way around.

Sharon: I'm glad the truth came out.

Nikki: Oh, you are such a liar! That is not how you feel.

Sharon: How would you know how I feel, Nikki? Really, how do you know what I'm thinking?

Nikki: Because if you had any interest in the truth, you wouldn't have written that letter to your Mother making Victor out to be some lecherous, pathetic man.

Sharon: You know what? I've explained that to Victor. I don't have to explain that to you.

Nikki: Listen to me, you little witch, I am not going to allow you to come back to Genoa City and tear apart the lives of my family once again. Do you hear me?

Sharon: You listen to me, Nikki. You may control your children's lives, but you do not control mine. If I want to stay, I'll stay, and you can't make me leave.

Nikki: My God. Do you ever, ever think about anybody but yourself?

Sharon: Yeah. I think about my kids and that they have the right to see their Mother if they want. I think that that should be up to them, not Nicholas, certainly not you.

Nikki: You really think they want to see you?

Sharon: I made a mistake turning my back on them. I know that. They may never forgive me, and I know that, too, but as you said yourself, my kids may not know that I care about them, and that is wrong. I need to tell them how much I care.

Nikki: What you did was heartless and cruel. You're a pathetic excuse for a Mother. If you see those kids again, you will traumatize them all over again.

Sharon: What are you now, Nikki, a child psychiatrist? You know what's best for my kids, huh? Well, you know what I see? I see a bitter and jealous and aging woman who probably wants those kids for herself.

Nikki: How dare you say that!?

Sharon: What's wrong, Nikki? The truth hurts?

Victor: What's going on here? For our children to be happy and healthy…

****************************************************************************

Jill: Well? I asked you a question. What is going on here?

John: Charlotte and I are just visiting.

Jill: Well, good. Good. Mother, I bought you a whole new wardrobe. There's more outside.

Charlotte: Jill, you didn't have to do that.

Jill: Well, I wanted to.

Charlotte: I don't like you doing things like that. I don't need anything from you.

Jill: Come on. I'm enjoying it, and you're gonna look wonderful. You'll feel like a whole new woman.

Charlotte: Damn it, Jill, no! Take it back.

Jill: What? I don't understa-- John?

Charlotte: I've got to leave.

Jill: What?

Charlotte: Call me a cab.

Jill: Oh, ma-- Mother, I want you to see everything--

Charlotte: Jill, just do it! Call a cab now!

Jill: Well, I'll drive you.

John: No, Jill. Stay here. We need to talk.

**************************************************************************

Victor: Do I need to remind you that this is my place of business? I could hear you all the way down the hall.

Nikki: What is she doing here? Sharon, of all people, holding court in your office? I can't believe it!

Sharon: You know what, Nikki? For the record, your husband told me I could wait for him here.

Nikki: Really. Why would he do that after all the trouble that you have caused our family?

Victor: That's enough.

Nikki: I'm not even finished.

Victor: That's enough, I said! Sharon, would you please leave?

Sharon: Gladly. You know what, Victor? Would you mind if I take this?

Victor: You may take it. Thank you.

Nikki: And don't come back!

Victor: That's enough!

Nikki: Do you hear me?!

*************************************************************************

J.T.: I really have been a dog with women. And this whole reputation thing that I don't like hearing about, I pretty much deserve it.

Lauren: But you don't want to be that guy anymore.

J.T.: I felt like dirt knowing that what I did could have hurt colleen. I would have totally hated myself.

Lauren: You know something? You learned from it. You realized what you have is very precious.

J.T.: Yeah. She really loves me, and I... I love her, too.

Lauren: I know you do. So prove it. Be the guy that she deserves starting now.

J.T.: I will. I will. Thanks for being such a good friend.

Lauren: Yeah. I'm glad you're back on track. Now you know, you have to get going. I've got your gift.

J.T.: Oh, that's right. Hey, what did I get her?

Lauren: Uh, see for yourself.

J.T.: Oh, magic.

Lauren: Mm-hmm. This is one of the things they sent over from the other store. I hope you approve.

J.T.: Are you kidding? She's gonna love it, I'm sure. Lauren, this is perfect. Colleen's gonna love this. Talk about making me look good.

Lauren: All right. Let me finish wrapping it.

J.T.: Thanks.

*****************************************************************************

Lily: Cheating on you?

Colleen: Shh! Lily.

Lily: No way!

Colleen: What, you think I'm making this up? I saw it with my own eyes-- J.T. and this person kissing in public.

Lily: I can't believe this.

Colleen: How do you think I feel?

Lily: I'm so sorry.

Colleen: This is horrible. I mean, I'm so embarrassed.

Lily: Colleen, no! Why would you be embarrassed? J.T.'s the one who's being some jerk.

Colleen: Lily, I never thought in a million years--

Lily: Right. Why would you? He's been totally amazing to you.

Colleen: Yeah, well...

Lily: Oh...

Colleen: I guess it was all lies, you know? How could I have been so stupid?

Lily: So who is it? Did you know her?

Colleen: Yeah.

Lily: Some college girl, right?

Colleen: No, worse. It's sick. I almost threw up.

Lily: Sick? What do you mean?

Colleen: This person he was with--Mrs. Hodges.

Lily: Who?

Colleen: Brittany's Mom, you know, one of Billy's roommates? It was her Mother, Lily, her Mother!

Lily: Wait. You're not telling me that Mrs. Hodges--

Colleen: Oh, I'm sorry. Look, I have to go.

Lily: Oh, where are you going?

***************************************************************************

Brittany: Whatever this is about, can we please make it fast?

Raul: It's about your Dad and, uh, and Jill.

Brittany: Yeah?

Raul: Look, maybe, uh, maybe your Dad isn't totally to blame here, you know? Sometimes when two people get involved, they don't even consider the repercussions, which they should, but sometimes things just happen.

Brittany: Are you actually making excuses for my Father?

Raul: No. No, of course not. No, but, Brittany, people do make mistakes.

Brittany: I realize that.

Raul: Including your Mom.

Brittany: Where are you going with this?

Raul: Well, I-it... it's about her and J.T.

Brittany: Don't tell me. You ran into him at the coffeehouse. He was whining about how I was interrogating him.

Raul: What?

Brittany: Well, he came over here earlier, and I asked him a bunch of questions about my Mom. I grilled him pretty hard, but I couldn't help it. I just had this feeling that he could give me answers.

Raul: And what did J.T. have to say about that?

Brittany: Not much. At least, nothing very helpful.

Raul: What, you went off on the guy?

Brittany: A little. I couldn't help it. I mean, he came over here to apologize.

Raul: Oh. Maybe you just took your anger at your Dad and directed it towards J.T.

Brittany: You're probably right. When I walked into that office, and I saw my Father kissing Jill...

Brittany: I just feel so bad for my Mom. I mean, I know she hasn't exactly been a model wife, but she doesn't deserve this. She has been faithful to my Father for 19 years. 19 years! And this is how he treats her?

*************************************************************************

Victor: But I don't think this will be an issue right now. Why? Well, I understand, but let's not discuss that right now. Call me back later on, all right? No, this is not the time. Thank you.

Nikki: I still want to know what the Hell Sharon was doing here.

Victor: Let's please not discuss this right now.

Nikki: Knowing all the trouble she has caused in our family, why do you even talk to her?

Victor: Let's please not talk about this. Why don't you tell me why you came here?

Nikki: Okay. I was summoned to the Abbott home this morning, where your dutiful servant Phyllis delivered yet another doomsday message. You're trying to intimidate us.

Victor: You think I set Phyllis up for this?

Nikki: Of course you did. You made a big point of telling her that you intend to drown jabot in a sea of red ink.

Victor: And?

Nikki: Well, you knew that she would come running straight to us to scare us into dropping the new line.

Victor: If this had been my plan, and it wasn't, I would have done you a favor. Tuvia is a very bad proposition. You waste a lot of time and money on it.

Nikki: Well, it's my $35 million on the line, and if I'm willing to risk that, you should be willing to back off on these pressure tactics. I mean, can't we just earn the ring even and compete fairly?

Victor: Let me explain something to you. You're playing in the big leagues now. That is not how it works. Jabot is in trouble because they borrowed a lot of money from me to save their company. Now the money is due. That's the way it is. If you want to know who created these problems for jabot, go to Jack Abbott. Had nothing to do with me.

Nikki: Yeah, but you're loving every minute of it, aren't you, your perpetual quest to bring Jack Abbott down.

Victor: I'm giving you a warning as your husband. Get out of this as soon as you can. Distance yourself from it as far as you can, because I promise you, as this is unraveling, you will be caught in the crossfire.

Nikki: I'm not gonna be intimidated by you, Victor.

Victor: Don't you ever say I didn't warn you.

Nikki: I am not pulling my support from jabot. You know, you can be a very ruthless man except when it comes to Sharon. Then you're oh-so-sweet and forgiving. Why is that? Why can't you see that little tramp for what she is?

**************************************************************************

Raul: Brittany, there, uh... there could be more to this than you know.

Brittany: Meaning what?

Raul: Well, this is a very sticky situation, and if you're not careful--

Brittany: What? You think I'm gonna make things worse?

Raul: I didn't say that.

Brittany: Look, I realize that I've never been in this kind of situation before, and no, I'm not exactly sure how to handle it, but I do know that my Mother is going through Hell, and she needs all the support she can get.

Raul: I think you should stay neutral on this.

Brittany: That's ridiculous. My Father's the one who broke his wedding vows, not my Mother. I can't believe that doesn't bother you, of all people!

Raul: Look, I'm not making excuses for your Dad.

Brittany: Sounds like it.

Raul: All I'm saying is that... you don't really know what's going on.

Brittany: And you do? I know what I need to know. I gotta go.

Raul: Brittany, your Dad isn't the only one messing around.

Brittany: What did you say?

Raul: I ran into colleen today... at the coffeehouse, and, um, she said that she saw your Mom at the Lodge... kissing another guy.

Brittany: What are you talking about? What guy?

Raul: J.T.

***************************************************************************

J.T.: Hey, blue eyes. Sorry I'm a little late. I had to take care of something.

Colleen: What's in the bag?

J.T.: It's for you.

Colleen: You got me a present?

J.T.: Yeah. Hope you like it.

Colleen: Why'd you do this?

J.T.: Guess I just like seeing you smile.

J.T.: No, open it.

Colleen: I'd rather wait.

J.T.: Oh, come on. That's no fun. Go ahead. Open it. What’s wrong? Colleen? Probably meeting.

*****************************************************************************

Jill: Charlotte did not say one word to me. She just got into the cab and left. Now what in the name of God did you say or do to put my Mother in that state?

John: It is not about what I said.

Jill: Well, then what is it? Stop being so mysterious! She is incredibly important to me. Is there something I should know?

John: Yes, there is. Now if you can give--

Jill: What is it? What is it, John? And don't tell me it's sentimental nonsense about Liz Foster. I have explained to you and to everybody else that she is, and always will be, very important in my life. I mean, she raised me. She sacrificed for m and I will love her forever for that, but oh, my God, this connection I have to Charlotte-- I don't understand it. It's--what's the word? It's visceral. Don't you laugh at me, or you're out of my office.

John: I'm not going to laugh.

Jill: I mean, we have been separated since my birth and I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true. When I was born, that little woman made what is maybe the most difficult decision a woman ever has to make, and it tore us apart. And then while I was living my life, and she was living hers, something was coming, and this is it, this reconnecting of ours after all these years and all the water under the bridge. Darling, I know you probably can't understand this. I don't even understand it myself, but would you trust me when I say that this is the most incredible feeling, and I feel so lucky. I'm so fortunate that this has happened.

**********************************************************************

(Knocking on door)

Nick: What do you want this time?

Sharon: Same as before. I want to see my children.

Nick: Sharon...

Nick: You cannot keep showing up like this.

Sharon: I had to come back and see how Cassie was doing. Last time I was here she was so upset and so filled with anger.

Nick: Well, it's a good thing you left before she saw you. She was pretty emotional that day.

Sharon: Everything you said was true, about how she feels about me.

Nick: Did you think I was making that up?

Sharon: Well, no, of course not. It's just... I had no idea that her feelings just were so... deep. She really hates me.

Nick: She doesn't hate you. She's just confused.

Sharon: She's just so young to be so bitter.

Nick: Maybe you should have thought of that before you abandoned her.

Sharon: She's never gonna forgive me, is she, Nick?

**************************************************************************

Victor: That tramp you're talking about so derisively happens to be the Mother of our son's children.

Nikki: Please, don't remind me.

Victor: Why are you doing this? Don't you care about the kids?

Nikki: How can you say that to me?

Victor: I'm saying that because the children are very young. They need their Mother.

Nikki: A Mother like Sharon, who didn't hesitate to abandon them?

Victor: Nikki, she obviously came back because she wants to see them. She obviously wants to help her family heal.

Nikki: She can't help them heal. She's the problem. She can't be the solution.

Victor: Don't interfere! I made that mistake with tragic consequences. Don't you make the same mistake now.

Nikki: Forget it.

************************************************************************

Jill: Do you understand what I'm saying at all? I mean... can you see even a little bit why Charlotte is becoming so important to me?

John: Yes. I'm afraid I can.

Jill: Afraid? What does that mean?

John: You know, sometimes we want something so badly we blind ourselves to the fact that it isn't there yet. We're willing to accept less because we want the search to be over.

Jill: Okay, now you've really lost me. What are you saying?

John: I'm talking about your attachment to Charlotte. It's not real.

Jill: You can't tell me what my feelings are. Yes, it is real. I feel it in here.

John: I do not mean what you're experiencing. It's Charlotte. She is not real.

Jill: Are you feeling okay?

John: Jill, she's a real person, but she is not your birth mother.

Jill: What?!

John: I would never say this, but I have done my homework, and she is not your birth mother. She isn't anybody's. I am so sorry. I am terribly sorry to tell you this.

****************************************************************************

Man: Come on.

(Baby crying)

Woman :I can't.

I can't do it.

I can't.

Man: Sure you can.

Come on now.

Woman: I can't.

I can't do it.

Oh, I can't.

(Baby crying)

Woman: No.

Man: All right, I love ya.

Woman :I can't do it.

I can't.

Kay: (Whispering) Damn you, John. Damn you. Why did you have to open up all of this? (Doorbell rings)

Charlotte: Hello, Katherine.

Kay: What in the Hell are you doing here?

*************************************************************************

Sharon: I shouldn't have come.

Nick: I couldn't agree more. There is no way I'm letting you go in there and upset Cassie more than she already is.

Sharon: You know, I still think she deserves some kind of explanation. I mean, at least it might give her some kind of closure.

Nick: How do you expect her to understand it? Sharon, I don't even understand it myself.

Sharon: Look, I've had too much abuse already today, all right? I can't take any more.

Nick: What does that mean?

Sharon: I had a run-in with your Mother, and, um... she didn't hold back letting me know how she really feels about me.

Nick: What did you expect? Your leaving affected this whole family.

Sharon: Does Cassie know I'm back?

Nick: Yeah, I just told her.

Sharon: How did she react?

Nick: You don't want to know.

Sharon: Um... have you talked to her doctor?

Nick: Yes.

Sharon: And?

Nick: He said you could see her.

Sharon: Oh, well, that's wonderful news.

Nick: Only if Cassie wants to.

Sharon: Well, maybe you could talk to her again.

Nick: I just tried.

Sharon: She still refuses?

Nick: I can't force her to see you if she doesn't want to. Sharon: No, of course, you can't. Even if you could, I wouldn't have the right to ask that.

Nick: I'm sorry.

Sharon: Are you, Nick? I mean, are you really?

Nick: Yes, I am. I didn't want any of this, but you brought it all on yourself.

Sharon: And now I've lost my little girl. Oh, God, Nicholas. How am I gonna go on without her? I mean, how am I gonna go on?