Lindsay: Oh. Another day in hell. This has got to be the most depressing place on earth, right, Allison?

Lindsay: Allison?

Lindsay: Hello? Where is everybody?

Lindsay: Guard?

Lindsay: Hello? Anybody? Hello? Is anybody in here?

Lindsay: Independence day! It's my Independence Day!

Lindsay: Ugh! How could everybody leave and leave me locked in here? Where is everybody?

[Music plays]

Inmates: Toot, toot beep, beep toot, toot hey, beep, beep toot, toot hey, beep, beep

Lindsay: What's going on in here?

Guard: Honey, this is a prison. If you don't know why you and everyone else is here, let me spell it out.

Bad girls talking about the sad girls sad girls talking about bad, bad, bad girls see them out on the streets at night

Inmates: Walking

Guard: Picking up all kinds of strangers

Inmates: If the price is right

Guard: You can't score if your pocket's tight

Inmates and Guard:

But you want a good time

Guard: Now don't you ask yourself who they are like everybody else they come from near and far yeah, yeah, yeah

Inmates and Guard:

Bad girl, you sad girl you such a dirty bad girl beep, beep uh-huh bad girl, you sad girl you such a naughty bad girl uh-huh

Guard: Hey, mister

Inmates: Beep, beep

Guard: Have you got a dime? Yeah

Inmates: Toot, toot

Guard: Mister

Inmates: Beep, beep

Guard: Do you want to spend some time? Yeah

Inmates: Toot, toot

Guard: I got what you want I got what I need I'll be your baby come and spend it on me

Inmates: Toot, toot hey, beep, beep

Lindsay: Toot, toot beep, beep toot, toot beep, beep

[music stops]

Lindsay: Toot, toot beep --

Tillie: Hey, Goldilocks, we were done. Everyone's supposed to stop when we're done. Can't you get anything right?

Guard: All right, all right. Never mind her. Hey, Alli, I need you and Rappaport to help me with some new Inmates.

Lindsay: What are we supposed to do?

Guard: Well, get them oriented. They're rough. Smooth out their edges. Ooh, here comes the first one now and, boy, does her edges ever need smoothing.

Roxy: Yo, Allison, long time no see.

Allison: Ah!

Lindsay: Stop it. Stop it! What are you doing?

Allison: I'm doing what I should've done a long time ago.

Roxy: Hey, take it easy. I was your partner, remember?

Allison: Yeah, some partner. I'm the only one who's doing time.

Roxy: Hey, give me a break, would you? I'm in the big house now.

Allison: Yeah. Why? What are you in for?

Roxy: Couldn't deal with my husband. It ain't funny!

Allison: It is to me.

Roxy: I did everything for that louse. I bared my heart and soul. He didn't even care.

Allison: So he dumped you, huh? Good for him. If I can't have a man, you certainly don't deserve one.

Roxy: I'm just a victim of love.

Allison: Oh, "victim of love." I know all about that.

Roxy: He didn't know a good thing when he had it. He didn't want me, he didn't need me, but he had me, and all I could do was beg.

[Music plays]

Roxy: Set me free why don't you, babe get out my life why don't you, baby because you don't really love me you just keep me hanging on now you don't really need me you just keep me hanging on why do you keep coming around playing with my heart? Why don't you get out of my life and let me make a new start? Let me get over you the way you've gotten over me hey, hey set me free why don't you, baby get out my life why don't you, baby

Inmates: Whoo-hoo-hoo

Roxy: Because you don't really love me you just keep me hanging on

Inmates: Whoo-hoo-hoo

Roxy: No, you don't really need me you just keep me hanging on

Inmates: Ooh

Roxy: You say although we broke up you still want to be just friends but how can we still be friends when seeing you only breaks my heart again? And there ain't nothing I can do about it.  Whoa, whoa, whoa

Inmates: Set me free why don't you, babe

Roxy: Whoa, whoa, whoa

Inmates: Get out my life why don't you, babe whoo-hoo-hoo

Roxy: Set me free why don't you, babe get out my life why don't you, babe

Inmates: Whoo-hoo-hoo

Roxy: Go on, get out get out of my life and let me sleep at night

Inmates: Whoo-hoo-hoo

[Music stops]

Roxy: Why don't you be a man about it and set me free

Lindsay: That was wonderful. You poor thing. Max should be in jail, not you.

Roxy: Well, that's going to be a little hard.

Lindsay: Why?

Roxy: Well, because the last time Max went into the industrial freezer at the back of the Break Bar, I locked him in.

Lindsay: You --

Roxy: Yeah, put him in a permanent deep freeze.

Lindsay: You know, I just remembered I've got a lot of laundry to do. Excuse me.

Roxy: Was it something I said?

Lindsay: Man, this place is full of kooks! I think I'll be safe here, though.

Tillie: Well, well, Goldilocks, I think it's time you and I spent some quality time together. You know what a one-two punch is? Maybe I'll show you first and then explain it to you later when you're flat -- oh, ladies. I'll see you later.

Lindsay: What's going on? I thought you hated her. I mean, you did try to kill her.

Allison: Oh, well, I decided I felt sorry for her. I mean, unrequited love is the worst. See, she's got her Maxie and I've got my Dave.

Roxy: You know, they said that I could keep a picture of Max.

Allison: I've got a picture of Dave right here.

Roxy: Ooh! I should say you do.

Allison: Yeah! When I look at it, I don't know whether to cry or sing. I think I'll sing.

[Music plays]

Allison: Ok. This song says exactly how I feel about Dave.

Lindsay: Except that his name isn't Dave. It's -- it's Ben.

Allison: What?

Lindsay: His name. It's Ben. Ben, Ben, Ben!

Allison: Ok. Ben.

Allison: Ben the two of us need look no more we both found what we were looking for with a friend to call my own I'll never be alone and you, my friend, will see you've got a friend in me

Inmates: You've got a friend in me

Allison: Ben you're always running here and there

Inmates: Here and there

Allison: You feel you're not wanted anywhere

Inmates: Anywhere

Allison: If you ever look behind and don't like what you find there's something you should know you've got a place to go

Inmates: You've got a place to go

Allison: I used to say I and me now it's us now it's we Ben

Inmates: Ben

Allison: Like Ben

Inmates: Like Ben

Allison: Like Ben

[Music stops]

Lindsay: Well, I -- I guess maybe we're really not all that different after all.

Roxy: What's that supposed to mean?

Lindsay: Well, men. They're evil. They are. They don't deserve our respect, certainly not our attention, and definitely not our love.

Blair: Now, Lindsay, you don't know the half of it.

Lindsay: Blair, what are you doing here?

Blair: Oh, my husband, Todd, did some really terrible things.

Roxy: Oh, another man. I might've known.

Blair: He made me very angry. And it got so bad that I just decided to get him out of my system.

Lindsay: How?

Blair: Well, I couldn't take it out on Todd because he disappeared, of course, so I went to his newspaper, "The Sun," and, well, I started this little bitty fire, and then next thing I knew I was standing in front of a big, black pile of nothing.

Allison: And they got you for arson?

Blair: Hmm, yeah. Oh, and it felt so good. It totally set me free.

Lindsay: How?

Blair: Well, as I was standing there watching that building burn down -- and enjoying every minute of it -- I realized that my one biggest problem has always been love.

Lindsay: Love.

Blair: Love is a mistake! It's a judgment! It's a faulty judgment! It's no judgment! And it is something that I will never, ever do again.

[Music plays]

Blair: What do you get when you fall in love? A guy with a pin to burst your bubble that's what you get for all your trouble I'll never fall in love again I'll never fall in love again now what do you get when you kiss a boy? You get enough germs to catch pneumonia after you do he'll never phone ya, I'll never fall in love again oh, no I'll never fall in love again so don't tell me what it's all about 'cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out out of those chains those chains that bind you that is why I'm here to remind you what do you get when you fall in love? You only get lies and pain and sorrow so for at least until tomorrow I'll never fall in love again no, no, I’ll….

Inmates: Never fall in love again

Blair: I'll never fall in love again

Inmates: Doo-doo doo-doo, doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo doo doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo, doo-doo doo-doo-doo, doo doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

Lindsay: Blair's right. Love's a mistake every time.

Blair: Hey, Lindsay, I -- I'm so sorry to bum you out.

Lindsay: You didn't say anything that isn't true. Love is the worst. Why even go on?

Blair: Oh, that's so sad. But, you know, it's a good thing I brought somebody along that can cheer you up.

Starr: Hey, there, Lindsay.

Lindsay: Starr. I'm surprised to see you. Well, I mean, I'm not all that surprised. I just didn't think I'd be seeing you do hard time for at least another 25 years.

Starr: What can I say? Someone got in my way.

Lindsay: I can imagine.

Starr: But being here is, you know, pretty cool. It means I don't have to share Mommy with Jack for the next -- let's see -- five to 20 years, depending on my behavior.

Blair: That's my girl.

Lindsay: Well, I'm really glad that you have found something to be happy about being in here because I can't.

Starr: You got to look on the bright side, Lindsay.

[Music plays]

Starr: Think yellow. Think sunshine.

Starr: The sun will come out tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun just thinkin' about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow till there's none when I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely I just stick out my chin and grin and say oh the sun will come out tomorrow so you got to hang on till tomorrow come what may tomorrow tomorrow I love ya tomorrow you're only a day away tomorrow tomorrow I love ya tomorrow you're only a day a-- way

[Music stops]

Lindsay: Wow! Wow, that was a really strong rendition.

Starr: I can do an encore.

Lindsay: Yes, I'm sure you can, but you know what -- I just realized that your mother's missing, so why don't you go and try to find her.

Starr: Ok.

Starr: You know, Lindsay, you can't keep being this big downer all the time. You'd better get with the program, or else a place like this will chew you up and spit you out faster than an iguana going through a head of lettuce.

Lindsay: She's right. Well, what have I got to be happy about? I've got another 27 1/2 years in this joint, plus everybody hates me, plus my nails have gone completely to hell. I guess it couldn't get any worse.

Nora: Yes, it could, Lindsay.

Nora: Hello, Lindsay.

Lindsay: What are you doing here? It's Independence Day. Independence. Can't I at least be free of you?

Nora: Apparently not. I heard that you were down in the dumps, a tad depressed, sad, lonely. And I came to tell you good. You deserve it.

[Thunder]

Lindsay: Get out, Nora. Out.

Nora: No, no, no, no. Not until I come to tell you what it is I want to say.

Lindsay: Well, then say it.

Nora: Well, I have to warn you, it may take a while.

Nora: I wanted to tell you about every delicious moment that I've spent with Troy while you've been locked up in here. Ha! Won't that be fun?

Lindsay: No. No, and I don't have to take it. I won't. I won't and I can't.

Nora: You can run, Lindsay, but you can't hide!

[Thunder]

Lindsay: Oh, why can't she leave me alone? Thank God I'll be safe in here.

Tillie: Think again, Goldilocks. Just you and me.

Lindsay: Aw, Tillie, come on, please, can't you just give me a break? Can't you see I've suffered enough already?

Tillie: Oh, you really think your life is so awful.

Lindsay: Yes.

Tillie: Why, because you're in prison and some guy betrayed you and your hubby didn't love you and your kids are ashamed of you?

Lindsay: Yes.

Tillie: No, no, no, see, Lindsay, those things aren't tragedies. They're just little speed bumps on the road of life. Well, they're actually normal, kind of like part of the human condition, if you get my drift.

Lindsay: Well, they feel like tragedies to me.

Tillie: Huh. Yeah. I'll tell you what a tragedy is. It's going outside to play and all the other little girls are whispering and giggling about you and -- and then they're telling you to go away and to never come back. You don't understand because you're only 6 years old. And you beg and plead with your mommy, who doesn't really want to do it anyway, to give you a birthday party. And so you send out invitations to all the little girls in your school and, finally, your birthday comes. You sit there all alone and you watch the ice cream melt, and your mommy's totally ashamed of you because you don't have any friends. And the next day at school, all the little girls laugh at you and you realize that they -- they planned to keep everyone away just to make sure you were alone. And you don't understand. You'll never understand.

[Music plays]

Tillie: How can people be so heartless? How can people be so cruel? Easy to be hard easy to be cold how can people have no feelings? How can they ignore their friends? Easy to be proud easy to say no whoa, oh especially people who care about strangers who care about evil and social injustice do you only care about the bleeding crowd? How about a needing friend? I need a friend how can people be so heartless? How can people be so cruel? Easy to be hard easy to be cold easy to be proud easy to say no

Lindsay: Oh. Oh, I feel so different about you now.

Tillie: You do?

Lindsay: Yes.

Tillie: Well, I feel the same way about you! Nora! Nora! Nora, Nora, she's in here! Come on, she's in here!

Roxy: Yo, sister girlfriend, wait up.

Lindsay: I'm busy.

Roxy: Didn't the matron say that you're supposed to orient the new girls, right?

Lindsay: I'm still busy.

Roxy: Yeah, well, there's somebody that you've got to meet.

Lindsay: I doubt that.

Roxy: I'm telling you, she's going to rock your socks off. You think that Blair and her demon-seed kid is the only mother/daughter duo in Statesville? Not anymore.

Lindsay: No, don't tell me that Jen's in here.

Roxy: That bimbo daughter of yours? No, I'm talking about my daughter.

Lindsay: Oh. Well, you know, I've never really heard a good word about -- what's her name again, Natalie?

Roxy: No, I'm not talking about her. I'm talking about my real daughter who got switched with that redhead.

Lindsay: You mean --

Roxy: Yeah, my girl. Take a look.

Lindsay: Jessica? Well, you were always the nice girl from the finest family in Llanview.

Jessica: Well, now I'm not.

Roxy: That's my baby girl.

Lindsay: But you were always so -- careful about your reputation. What are people going to say?

Jessica: What do I care?

[Music plays]

Jessica: I don't give a damn about my reputation living in the past it's a new generation a girl can do what she wants to do and that's what I'm going to do and I don't give a damn about my bad reputation oh, no

Inmates: No, no, no

Jessica: Not me

Inmates: Me, me, me

Roxy: And I don't give a damn about my reputation never said I wanted to improve my station and I'm only feeling good when I'm having fun and I don't got to please no one

Jessica and Roxy: And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation oh, no

Inmates: No, no, no

Jessica and Roxy: Not me

Inmates: Me, me, me

Jessica and Roxy: Oh, no

Inmates: No, no, no

Jessica and Roxy: Not me

Inmates: Me, me, me

Roxy: I don't give a damn about my reputation

Jessica: Never been afraid of any deviation

Roxy: And I don't really care if you think I'm strange

Jessica: I ain't gonna change

Roxy and Jessica: And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation oh, no

Inmates: No, no, no

Jessica and Roxy: Not me

Inmates: Me, me, me

Jessica and Roxy: Oh, no!

Inmates: No, no, no

Jessica and Roxy: Not me!

Inmates: Me, me, me

Jessica and Roxy: Oh, no!

Inmates: No, no, no

Jessica and Roxy: Not me!

Inmates: Me, me, me

Jessica and Roxy: Oh, no!

Inmates: No, no, no

Jessica and Roxy: Not me!

Inmates: Me, me, me

All: Not me!

Lindsay: I don't believe this. I'm getting out of here.

Nora: Oh, you're not going anywhere. You and I have unfinished business.

Lindsay: What could we possibly have to talk about?

Nora: Oh, you'll find out.

Lindsay: You got justice, I got prison. All the men that I loved love you now.

Nora: Yes.

Lindsay: You even got a better outfit than I do -- for once -- so why don't you just quit while you're ahead.

Nora: Because I don't want to. I want to let all your new roomies learn all about the relationship between Lindsay and Nora, so I've come up with this little ditty that I think sums it all up. Maestro.

[Music plays]

Lindsay: Stop!

[Music stops]

Lindsay: It's my dream! You don't get to sing in my dream!

Nora: You want to make a bet? Watch me.

[Music plays]

Lindsay: Be gone, Nora!

[Music stops]

Starr: Téach me how to do that!

Lindsay: Well, I would if I could figure it out.

Blair: I never knew you had it in you, Lindsay.

Jessica: I did, which is why I don't get it.

Lindsay: Get what?

Jessica: How did you get suckered into confessing and wind up here? How did that happen?

Lindsay: Isn't it obvious? I let my Guard down. I trusted.

[Music plays]

Lindsay: I gave in to love. At least I thought it was love.

Lindsay: Turn down the lights turn down the bed turn down these voices inside my head lay down with me tell me no lies just hold me close don't patronize don't patronize me 'cause I can't make you love me if you don't you can't make your heart feel something it won't here in the dark in these final hours I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power but you won't no,  you won't 'cause I can't make you love me if you don't

Lindsay: Ooh

Lindsay: Thank you for understanding, but it doesn't really change anything.

Allison: What are you talking about?

Lindsay: Well, we're still in prison, aren't we?

Allison: Yeah, but that's good.

Lindsay: Well, how can that be good?

Allison: Well, for one thing, since being in here, I've realized that Ben really isn't Dave.

Lindsay: Ok.

Allison: And -- and Blair's finally freed herself from love.

Blair: It was like an addiction.

Allison: Jessica's discovered her true nature.

Jessica: A witch on wheels, thanks to my mama!

Roxy: Atta girl!

Allison: And you -- you --

Lindsay: Yes? Yes, what -- what insights have you discovered about me? I mean, what has the gift of prison life meant to me exactly?

Allison: Ok -- nothing. This was a total waste for you. But for everybody else, this is the place to be.

Roxy: You got that right. This is our home now!

Jessica: We'll never be alone again!

Blair: Hey, who needs men?

All: Yeah!

Starr: Yeah, we got a new family now!

[Music plays]

Inmates: We are family I got all my sisters with me we are family get up, everybody, and sing

Blair: Everyone can see we're together as we walk on by

Inmates: And

Roxy: And we fly just like birds of a feather I don't tell no lie

Inmates: All

Jessica: All of the people around us, they say can they be that close?

Starr: Just let me state for the record we're giving love in a family dose

Inmates: We are family I got all my sisters with me we are family get up, everybody, and sing

Guard: Living life is fun since we just begun to get our share of this world's delights

Inmates: High

Tillie: High hopes we have for the future and our goal's in sight

Inmates: We

Jessica and Roxy: We don't get depressed here's what we call our golden rule

Lindsay: Have faith in you and the things you do you can't go wrong

Inmates: Oh, no this is our family jewel we are family I got all my sisters with me we are family get up, everybody, and sing we are family

Guard: Ah, ah, ah

Inmates: I got all my sisters with me

inmate: Hey, hey hey, hey, hey

Inmates: We are family get up, everybody, and sing

inmate: Sing it to me sing it

Inmates: We are family I got all my sisters with me yeah we are family

[music stops]

Lindsay: I've got all my sisters with me

Allison: Wake up, wake up. For Pete's sake, stop humming.

Lindsay: Oh.

Allison: You're driving me nuts.

Lindsay: Oh, we're still here.

Allison: Where did you think we were, Bermuda?

Lindsay: Oh, it's locked!

Allison: Well, this is a prison.

Lindsay: Do you sing?

Allison: What are you talking about? Blondes. They make no sense.

Lindsay: I may still be in Statesville, but for a few minutes, anyway, I had my own independence day. A day like no other.

***********************************************

>> On the next "One Life to Live" --

Téa: Have you completely lost your mind?

Al: In the back of your head, you're kind of worried that he's with Natalie again.

Rex: You still think Natalie pushed him?

Bo: Is there anything that you would like to add to what you've already told me?

Niki: [Normal voice] so long, Benji.