General Hospital Transcript Monday 7/5/99

Provided by Laura

FELICIA: YOU KEEP TRYING
TO CREEP ME OUT.
NOW, YOU HAVE NOW OFFICIALLY
REACHED OVERKILL.
LUKE: NO, I'M NOT JOKING.
THERE ARE TWO BODIES IN HERE.
FELICIA: WELL, OF COURSE
THERE ARE BODIES.
IT'S FULL OF QUARTERMAINE
BODIES.
IT'S A CRYPT.
LUKE: YEAH, BUT THERE'S ONLY
SUPPOSED TO BE ONE TO A DRAWER.
THAT'S HOW THEY PACK THEM.
FELICIA: WHAT AM I DOING
HERE?
I'M A WRITER.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO WORK
IN CRYPTS.
LUKE: NO, BUT WRITER'S
ASSISTANTS ALMOST ALWAYS DO.
THAT'S WHAT I AM, RIGHT?
FELICIA: YOU ARE NOT
A CORONER.
YOU CANNOT TELL HOW EDWARD'S
FATHER DIED JUST BY LOOKING
AT HIM.
LUKE: WELL, IF HE HAD BEEN
DISMEMBERED, FOR INSTANCE,
I COULD TELL IF THERE WASN'T
A LEG OR SOMETHING HERE.
LICIA: LUKE, STOP!
JUST STOP, I MEAN IT NOW.
WE'VE GOT TO GO.
JUST PUT EVERYTHING BACK THE WAY
IT WAS.
LUKE: OH --
TOO LATE.
FELICIA: WHAT?

NED: WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF BALLOONS?
JAX: WHAT, FOR A WEDDING
OR A 5-YEAR-OLD'S BIRTHDAY
PARTY?
NED: NOT BALLOONS
YOU BLOW UP.
HOT-AIR BALLOONS.
JAX: OH.
NED: OR IS A MARRIAGE NOT
LEGAL UNLESS YOU'RE ACTUALLY
MARRIED ON EARTH?

CHLOE: A GARTER?
ALEXIS: A BLUE GARTER.
AND I KNOW YOU'RE THINKING,
"OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE."
BUT I DIDN'T BECAUSE IT'S ONLY
BORROWED.
GET IT?
OLD, BORROWED, BLUE?
CHLOE: THAT PART IS CLEAR,
BUT YOU, ALEXIS DAVIS,
HAVING A BLUE GARTER -- THAT
PART IS NOT SO CLEAR.
ALEXIS: OH, IT'S JUST
A LITTLE SOMETHING NED AND I --
NED: YEAH, THERE WAS THIS ONE
NIGHT IN --
ALEXIS: LOS ANGELES.
NED: YEAH.
ALEXIS: IT WAS LOS ANGELES.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
LOS ANGELES?
IT CAN BE A LITTLE --
NED: YOU HAD TO BE THERE.
ALEXIS: LET'S SUFFICE IT
TO SAY THAT ALL YOU NEED NOW IS
SOMETHING NEW.
NED: THIS FAX FROM
THE LAS VEGAS TOURISM PEOPLE.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY
PLACES THERE ARE TO GET MARRIED?
JAX: WELL, IT'S NOT GOING
TO BE ELVIS, AND THAT'S
THE BOTTOM LINE.
NED: EXCUSE ME?
IF I WANT TO TAKE MY -- WHAT,
FIFTH SET OF VOWS BEFORE GOD
AND ELVIS --
JAX: YOU KNOW WHAT?
EXCUSE ME, BUT I HAVE LIVED THIS
LONG WITHOUT SEEING ANYBODY
MARRIED BY AN ELVIS
IMPERSONATOR, AND I'M NOT GOING
TO WATCH IT HAPPEN TO THIS
DELIGHTFUL YOUNG LADY HERE.
OR YOU CAN DROP ME OFF AND FIND
YOURSELF ANOTHER BEST MAN.
NED: FINE.
ALL RIGHT, BIG FELLA.
IN LAS VEGAS I'M SURE WE COULD
RENT A BEST MAN ON ANY STREET
CORNER.
ALEXIS: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
NO ONE SAID IT HAD TO BE
A MARRIAGE MADE IN GRACELAND,
RIGHT?
AND I'M NOT TAKING SIDES,
SWEETHEART.
I'M JUST THINKING ABOUT POOR OLD
MARRIAGE -- NOT THAT
THE INSTITUTION HAS EVER PUT
ITS BEST FOOT FORWARD ANYWHERE
IN MY PERSONAL VICINITY.
BUT HOW SILLY DO WE HAVE TO MAKE
THE OLD GIRL LOOK, RIGHT?
I MEAN, A POODLE INSTEAD
OF A GOOD, STURDY HUNTING DOG IS
FINE, BUT DO WE HAVE TO DRESS IT
UP LIKE JANET JACKSON?
PROBABLY NOT.
NED: "LIEBCHEN & LIEBCHEN'S
BAVARIAN BIERGARTEN AND CHAPEL."
OK, I'M JUST KIDDING.
ALL RIGHT, EVEN I KNEW THAT WAS,
YOU KNOW, DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE.
HERE IT IS -- "REV. LOVE'S
CHAPEL OF BELLS."
JAX: BELLS?
ALEXIS: DO WE MIND BELLS?
CHLOE: HAS A NICE RING TO IT.
[ALEXIS LAUGHS]
NED: I'LL RING THE
REVEREND NOW.
JAX: OH, YEAH.
CHLOE: OH.
AND I HAVE MY SOMETHING NEW --
THE BOUQUET THAT JAX BROUGHT
FOR ME.
JAX: YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT
MARRIED YET.
NED: SHE KNOWS.
THAT'S HER PROBLEM.
JAX: ALL I'M SAYING IS,
IS THAT IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT
WITH ME IF YOU WANTED TO DITCH
THE FLOWERS OUT SOME PORTHOLE
WINDOW AND WE JUST TURNED
THE JET AROUND.
ALEXIS: NOBODY IS OPENING ANY
WINDOWS.

HANNAH: I DON'T NEED
YOU SPYING ON ME.
MAN: YOU DON'T GET TO CALL
THE SHOTS, HANNAH.
WHY ISN'T THAT SINKING IN?
HANNAH: SONNY -- MY GOD!
SONNY --
SONNY: YEAH, COME ON.
COME ON!
HANNAH: SONNY, STOP!
SONNY: GET UP, MAN!
HANNAH: SONNY, YOU'RE GOING
TO KILL HIM!
SONNY: GET UP!
GO!
HANNAH: SONNY --
STOP IT!
SONNY: GET UP!
GET UP, MAN.
TAMMY: SONNY, ENOUGH.
SONNY.
ENOUGH!
SONNY: COME ON!
COME ON!
TAMMY: ENOUGH, SONNY.

TAMMY: YOU MIND TELLING ME
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
SONNY: ASK HER.
JOHNNY: DAMN, SONNY, I HEARD
A CRASH, BUT I WASN'T SURE.
SONNY: YOU WEREN'T SURE
OF WHAT?
WHETHER TO DO WHAT I TOLD YOU?
WHAT DID I TELL YOU TO DO,
JOHNNY?
JOHNNY: STAY IN THE CAR
AND WATCH THE FRONT --
SONNY: WHO DID I SAY WAS
GOING TO CHECK THE WINDOWS
AND THE KITCHEN ENTRANCE?
WHO?
TELL ME WHO!
JOHNNY: YOU.
SONNY: THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
GO!
WHO IS HE?
HANNAH: I KNEW HIM
IN SAN DIEGO.
HE'S THE GUY THAT I --
SONNY: BRADBURN?
YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND YOU WERE
TELLING ME ABOUT?
DR. BRADBURN? IS THAT HIM?
HANNAH: I NEVER TOLD
YOU HIS NAME.
SONNY: SURE YOU DID.
HANNAH: NO.
SONNY: OK, I DON'T --
WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW, I HAD IT CHECKED OUT.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU THEN.
I KNOW YOU NOW.
HANNAH: YOU HAD ME
INVESTIGATED?
SONNY: SO WHAT ARE YOU TRYING
TO DO, TRACK HER ACROSS COUNTRY?
BIG, BAD COLLEGE PROFESSOR TURNS
STALKER -- IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE?
MAN: I NEVER BROKE ANY LAWS.
YOU WENT OFF ON ME.
YOU'RE NUTS.
I HAVE WITNESSES.
I COULD HAVE YOU CHARGED.
HANNAH: GARY, YOU NEED TO BE
QUIET NOW.
HE KNOWS HE SCREWED UP.
HE KNOWS HE SHOULD NOT BE HERE.
SONNY: JOHNNY!
HANNAH: ARE YOU DONE?
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COME BACK
HERE AGAIN, RIGHT?
TELL THE MAN.
GARY: I'M DONE.
SHE'S NOT WORTH IT.
REMEMBER, I WARNED YOU.
SONNY: HEY, JOHNNY, YOU THINK
YOU CAN FOLLOW A SIMPLE
INSTRUCTION NOW?
TAKE OUR STALKER/PERVERT FRIEND
HERE TO THE AIRPORT, PUT HIM
ON THE NEXT FLIGHT TO SAN DIEGO.
STAY WITH HIM TILL HE LEAVES.
GARY: SEE A SHRINK.
TAMMY: I'LL GO GET A BROOM.
SONNY: DID YOU KNOW THIS GUY
WAS IN TOWN OR WHAT?
DON'T LOOK AT ME.
DON'T.

NED: THE REVEREND ASSURES ME
THAT ALL WALK-INS ARE WELCOME.
ALEXIS: YOU'RE KIDDING.
NED: UNLESS, OF COURSE, I AM
ABOUT TO BE DUMPED BEFORE
THE ALTAR.
I MEAN, HE DIDN'T MENTION
AN ALTAR, BUT YOU GET THE IDEA.
CHLOE: JAX DIDN'T MEAN
ANYTHING BY THAT.
JAX: SAYS WHO?
CHLOE: YOU MEANT TO REMIND ME
THAT I AM A GROWN WOMAN AND THIS
IS MY CHOICE.
AND IT'S A CHOICE I WOULDN'T
HAVE AT ALL IF I HADN'T SOMEHOW
MANAGED IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS
TO MAKE SUCH ASTONISHING,
LOYAL, GOODHEARTED FRIENDS.
VIVA LAS VEGAS. WHOO!
NED: IF YOU CAN'T STAND
A FULL YEAR WITH ME, I SUGGEST
YOU BECOME A SHOWGIRL.
ALEXIS: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ISN'T IT BAD LUCK FOR THE GROOM
TO SEE THE BRIDE BEFORE
THE WEDDING?
NED: YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS
WONDERED ABOUT THAT WITH ALL
MY FAILED MARRIAGES.
SO I GUESS THE LUCKIEST WEDDINGS
WOULD BE THE ONES WHERE YOU JUST
SHOW UP AND THEY HAND
YOU A BRIDE?
JAX: HOW IS THAT ANY
DIFFERENT TO THIS?
ALEXIS: NO, NO, NO.
THE LUCKIEST WEDDINGS ARE
THE ONES YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE
AT ALL.
CHLO I ONLY WISH MY UNCLE
HERBERT WERE HERE SO HE COULD
MEET ALL OF YOU AND I COULD
THROTTLE HIM.
NED: WHERE ARE YOU TAKING
HER?
YOU MAKING HER RIDE ON THE WING?
ALEXIS: I'M TRANSFORMING
HER INTO A BRIDE.
SOMEONE HAS TO.
JAX: THIS IS DISGRACEFUL,
YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU'RE DOING
TO THAT WOMAN.
NED: MARRYING HER?
JAX: FOR A BUSINESS
ADVANTAGE.
DON'T THINK I CAN'T READ
THIS, NED.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
YOU GOING TO START CRANKING OUT
CHLOE MORGAN JEANS AND MAKE
EDWARD AND A.J. APOPLECTIC?
NED: CHLOE DOESN'T DO JEANS.
IF YOU ASKED HER WHAT THEY WERE,
SHE'D PROBABLY SAY IT'S HOW
THEY CLONE SHEEP.
BUT SHE'S GOING TO LEARN ONCE
SHE STARTS DESIGNING FOR L&B
ARTISTS.
JAX: OH.
SO THAT'S YOUR ANGLE.
NED: SO WHAT?
SHE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON.
IT'S CALLED SYNERGY, JAX.
L&B SHOWCASES HER DESIGNS.
WE KEEP HER HIP.
SHE MAKES US HOT.
AND IF, YOU KNOW, GRANDFATHER
LOSES A FEW NIGHTS' SLEEP OVER
IT -- OH, WELL.
HE EXPECTS ME TO STAND
IN THE WINGS WHILE A.J. DESTROYS
E.L.Q.
AND THEN AT THE 11TH HOUR,
I COME IN AND SAVE THE DAY.
WELL, THIS TIME IT'S NOT GOING
TO HAPPEN BECAUSE I WON'T BE
AVAILABLE.
I'LL BE TOO BUSY RAKING
IN MILLIONS WITH MY WIFE.
JAX: YEAH, WHILE HE'S BUSY
BEING DRIVEN INSANE BY HIS.
BOTTOM LINE, YOU'RE MARRYING
FOR REVENGE.
NED: IT'S WHAT CHLOE NEEDS
DONE.
JAX: YEAH.
NED: AND IT ALSO WORKS
FOR ME.
IT'S A PIECE OF PAPER, JAX.
IT'S A MARRIAGE IN THE LAND
OF LAW ONLY, AND NOT EVEN
AMERICAN LAW.
DON'T WORRY.
NOTHING'S GOING TO CHANGE.
JAX: YEAH, FAMOUS LAST WORDS.
ALEXIS: ALL RIGHTY,
GENTLEMEN, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
NED: IS SOMETHING DIFFERENT?
CHLOE: I BRUSHED MY TEETH.
ALEXIS: I RESET HER WATCH!
NED: IT LOOKS TERRIFIC.
[JAX LAUGHS]
JAX: YEAH.
LUKE: ALAS, POOR GEORGE ALAN.
I KNEW HIM WELL.
OR BE YE GEORGE ALAN?
I DIDN'T KNOW HIM THAT WELL.

FELICIA: HOW COULD YOU PICK
THOSE UP?
YOU HAVE TO REATTACH THOSE.
LUKE: OH, THEY WEREN'T
ATTACHED.
THEY WERE JUST SORT OF ROLLING
AROUND IN THERE.
FELICIA: YOU'VE DESECRATED
TWO GRAVES -- EDWARD'S FATHER
AND EDWARD'S MOTHER.
LUKE: OH, NO -- RELAX.
FELICIA, LOOK -- "IDA ZAMLOCH
QUARTERMAINE."
MOM'S GOT HER OWN CONDO.
FELICIA: WELL, OBVIOUSLY
THE BURIAL ARRANGEMENTS WERE
CHANGED.
WHATEVER.
YOU HAVE TO PUT THOSE BACK
AS A MATCHED SET.
LUKE: NO, THIS SET IS
MISMATCHED.
SEE, OLD GEORGE WAS IN THERE
AND SOMEBODY STUFFED THIS ONE
IN ALONGSIDE.
NOW, YOU DON'T DO THAT
TO SOMEBODY'S WIFE.
FELICIA: IF IT'S NOT GEORGE'S
WIFE, THEN WHO IS IT?
WISH I WOULD'VE BROUGHT
MY FAMILY TREE.
LUKE: THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO FIND OUT?
FELICIA: OH, NO.
NO.
NO. UH-UH.
UH-UH.

FELICIA: I CAN'T BE SEEING
THIS.
I'M HALLUCINATING.
I CAN'T BE AN ACCOMPLICE
TO A CRIME AGAINST GOD,
MAN, AND NATURE.
LUKE: WILL YOU RELAX?
THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT THINK
YOU'RE ROBBING GRAVES EVERY TIME
YOU EAT A CHICKEN LEG.
THIS IS NO BIG DEAL.
NOW, LOOK, WHILE YOU SHAKE
THE FAMILY TREE AND SEE IF ANY
FRUIT FALLS OFF, I'M GOING TO GO
SOMEWHERE AND HAVE THESE LITTLE
BONEHEADS SCRUTINIZED.
FELICIA: HOW?
YOU CAN'T RUN AN AUTOPSY
ON SKULLS.
YOU SHOW THEM TO ANYONE, AND MAC
WILL HAVE US BOTH ARRESTED.
LUKE: WELL, WE DON'T NEED
AN AUTOPSY.
WE JUST NEED SOMEBODY TO TAKE
A GANDER AT THEM AND GIVE US
A HEADS-UP, SO TO SPEAK.
NOW, I HAVE A DOCTOR WHO OWES ME
SOMETHING.
HE'S NOT A PATHOLOGIST, BUT HE'S
GOT A GOOD MEDICAL HEAD
ON HIS SHOULDERS.
FELICIA: THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
THIS IS MY PROJECT, AND YOU HAVE
TO STOP --
LUKE: BUTTING HEADS?
FELICIA: IN.
I'M DRAWING THE LINE RIGHT HERE
AND NOW BECAUSE WE'VE GOT --
LUKE: WE SHOULD QUIT,
QUIT, QUIT, QUIT WHILE WE'RE
AHEAD?
FELICIA: NO.
WE -- WE'VE GOT TO PUT THESE
BACK WHERE THEY BELONG.
LUKE: OH.
FELICIA: AND SEAL THIS PLACE
UP AND ACT AS IF WE WERE NEVER
HERE.
LUKE: OH, LOOK -- BUMMER,
BUMMER.
LOOK, I TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL FLIP
YOU FOR IT.
TAILS OR HEADS?
SORRY.
I JUST LOST MY --
FELICIA: HEAD!
LUKE: YEAH.
FELICIA: THIS ISN'T FUNNY.
I'M SO SCARED!
STOP IT.
THIS STARTED OUT AS A ROMANTIC
MYSTERY FOR ME, OR SO I THOUGHT.
AND ON THE QUARTERMAINES' NICKEL
THAT NED IS PAYING ME,
SUDDENLY I'M INVESTIGATING
EDWARD FOR PATRICIDE.
AND YOU -- YOU'VE GOT --
LUKE: MY HEAD UP MY --
FELICIA: AND TWO
IN YOUR HANDS!
LUKE: WELL, IF IT'S ANY
CONSOLATION TO YOU, I DON'T
THINK THE SECOND HEAD BELONGED
IN THERE WITH THE FIRST HEAD.
AND WHOEVER IT WAS THAT HID IT
IN THERE WAS PROBABLY THE LAST
PERSON TO SEE THE TWO HEADS
TOGETHER.
SO, SOMEBODY GOT AWAY
WITH MURDER.

SONNY: YOU SHOULD'VE LET ME
DO THAT.
TAMMY: OH, YEAH?
SINCE WHEN DID YOU LEARN
TO OPERATE A BROOM?
SONNY: I'LL HAVE SOMEBODY
WATCH THE PLACE TONIGHT.
TOMORROW MORNING, ALL
THE WINDOWS WILL BE REPLACED.
TAMMY: OK.
SONNY: NO, NO.
LEAVE THE GLASS.
IT'S ALL GOING TO BE TAKEN
CARE OF.
TAMMY: THANK YOU, SONNY.
YOU KNOW, YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN
OR SOMETHING.
SONNY: TELL LUKE AND BOBBIE
THAT I'M --
TAMMY: I'LL TELL LUKE
AND BOBBIE THAT THE WINDOW
BROKE, IT'S GETTING REPLACED.
WHAT DO THEY CARE?
SONNY: ALL RIGHT.
TAMMY: ALL RIGHT.
I'M GOING TO BED.
SONNY, IT'S ONLY GLASS.
SONNY: YEAH.
SONNY: SO NOW IT'S UP TO YOU,
RIGHT?
HANNAH: WHAT IS?
SONNY: WELL, I MEAN, YOU FIND
IT SO UNFORGIVABLE THAT I HAD
YOU CHECKED OUT.
HANNAH: WHO GIVES A DAMN
ABOUT THAT?
IF THAT'S WHAT YOU NEEDED TO DO
TO FIND OUT WHETHER I WAS
TELLING YOU THE TRUTH
SO YOU COULD ASK ME OUT
TO DINNER, THEN FINE.
I'M GLAD YOU DID IT.
SONNY: IS THIS THE FIRST TIME
YOU'VE SEEN DR. BRADBURN SINCE,
YOU KNOW, YOU LEFT?
HANNAH: I HAVEN'T BEEN BACK.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY HE'S HERE.
SONNY: WELL, WHAT DID
HE WANT?
HANNAH: I TRIED TO FIND OUT,
BUT I COULDN'T.
ASK ME WHY.
SONNY: I GOT TO FIND A WAY
TO CLEAN THIS STUFF UP,
YOU KNOW.
HANNAH: SONNY, WHY DID THAT
HAPPEN?
WHY DID I WATCH YOU ALMOST KILL
SOMEONE YOU'VE NEVERAID EYES
ON BEFORE?
SONNY: I GOT TO TAKE CARE
OF THE GLASS, HANNAH.
HANNAH: WHY?
SONNY: BECAUSE HE PUT
HIS HANDS ON YOU.

ALEXIS: DID ANY OF
THE ELVISES HAVE A
NO-RESERVATIONS POLICY?
CHLOE: THIS IS FINE.
THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE
THE WEDDING OF ANYBODY'S DREAMS.
IT'S JUST SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE
GETTING A DOG LICENSE
OR A VACCINATION FOR SMALLPOX.
NO OFFENSE.
NED: OH, OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S A NECESSITY.
EXACTLY.
CHLOE: OH, I ALMOST FORGOT.
ALEXIS: OH.
WOMAN: OH, CAN I HELP YOU?
NED: YES.
WE WOULD LIKE A WEDDING, PLEASE.
JAX: DO YOU HAVE THEM TO GO?
ALEXIS: HE'S A LITTLE
NERVOUS.
NED: I SPOKE WITH
THE REVEREND ON THE PHONE
A SHORT WHILE AGO.
WOMAN: OH, YOU DID?
AND THE NAME?
NED: DAVIS.
SHORT, SPELLABLE.
CHLOE: SWEET, ROMANTIC.
ALEXIS: AW.
WOMAN: AH, HERE YOU ARE.
ONE MOMENT.
[BELL RINGS]
MAN: DID SOMEBODY RING
FOR THE REVEREND?
GOOD EVENING, MR. DAVIS.
JAX: IT'S MISS DAVIS.
MAN: AH.
WELL, IT WON'T BE "MISS" VERY
MUCH LONGER, WILL IT?
ALEXIS: ACTUALLY, I PREFER
"MS." -- M-S PERIOD.
MAN: AH.
WELL, THIS IS A DOUBLE WEDDING,
IS IT?
NED: ASSUMING IS NOT ALWAYS
A GOOD THING.
MAN: OH, A NATURAL
ASSUMPTION, WHAT WITH SUCH
HANDSOME COUPLES.
I SUPPOSE YOU'VE GUESSED I AM
THE REV. URIAH ISAIAH LOVE.
THAT'S U.I. LOVE.
AND THIS IS MY BLUSHING BRIDE
OF 30 LONG YEARS.
DID I SAY "YEARS"?
30 LONG MONTHS.
30 LONG MONTHS AGO, I TOOK THIS
WOMAN'S TREMBLING LITTLE HAND
IN HOLY MATRIMONY.
BOTH HANDS, ACTUALLY, AND HERE
THEY ARE RIGHT HERE ON THIS VERY
KEYBOARD.
CHLOE: WHERE DID
YOU AND MRS. LOVE MARRY?
IN A CHURCH?
YOU SEEM VERY BIBLICAL.
NED: LET'S NOT GO THERE.
REVEREND?
REV. LOVE: HMM?
NED: HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE?
REV. LOVE: WELL,
THAT DEPENDS.
AS YOU HAVE CHAPEL OF BELLS
RESERVATIONS, YOU'RE ENTITLED
TO TWO RINGS AND A VIDEO OF THIS
SPECIAL OCCASION AND CHIPS
AND DIP.
A $99 VALUE FOR JUST $59.95.
WE'VE JUST OFFERED A TWO-FOR-ONE
DEAL -- FOUR RINGS AND TWO
VIDEOS JUST FOR AN ADDITIONAL
COST OF $29.95.
NED: CAN WE DO IT
WITHOUT THE CHIPS?
JAX: CAN WE DO IT
WITHOUT THIS PLACE AND
YOU AND THE BELLS AND --
FOR $500, FOR $1,000,
COULD YOU FIND US A REAL
MINISTER AND A REAL CHURCH?
AND NO VIDEO, THANK YOU.
ALEXIS: HE DOESN'T MEAN TO BE
THIS INSULTING.
REV. LOVE: ANY ORDAINED
MINISTER OTHER THAN
THE REV. U.I. LOVE WOULD
HESITATE AT SEEING SUCH
A SERVICE AS THIS ALL THE WAY
THROUGH TO, "I NOW PRONOUNCE
YOU MAN AND WIFE, YOU MAY KISS
THE BRIDE."
WOMAN: I KNEW IT.
THIS MARRIAGE IS A SHAM.
AND, MY DEAR, THIS IS GOING
TO COST YOU EVERYTHING.

REV. LOVE: WELL, THIS WOULD
BE THE MOTHER OF THE BRIDE?
NED: I'VE NEVER SEEN
HER BEFORE, OK?
JAX: YOU MUST BE
AUNT GERTRUDE.
WELCOME.
WOMAN: AND YOU MUST BE
HER PARTNER IN FRAUD.
CHLOE: GERTRUDE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
GERTRUDE: SEEING JUSTICE
SERVED.
ARE YOU SO DESPERATE TO MAKE
SURE THAT A LONELY, POOR WIDOW
HAS ONLY A PITTANCE TO LIVE
ON THAT YOU WOULD RESORT
TO THIS?
WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,
THIS FARCE OF A MARRIAGE HAS
JUST HANDED YOUR BUSINESS
AND EVERYTHING IT OWNS OVER
TO ME.
CHLOE: NO.
THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
GERTRUDE: I SUPPOSE SHE PAID
YOU TO GO ALONG WITH IT?
AS IF THIS LOS VEGAS TRAVESTY
COULD SATISFY THE TERMS
OF YOUR UNCLE'S WILL?
OH, MY POOR HERBERT MUST BE
TURNING IN HIS GRAVE.
TO THINK, THIS IS THE THANKS
HE GETS FOR MAKING SURE THAT
YOU'RE NOT LEFT ALONE
IN THE WORLD.
REV. LOVE: YES, NOW,
WILL WE OR WON'T WE BE USING
THOSE EXTRA RINGS?
GERTRUDE: STAY OUT OF THIS,
YOU CHARLATAN.
I SUSPECTED SOMETHING LIKE THIS
MIGHT HAPPEN.
BUT NOT POOR HERBERT, NO.
HE THOUGHT THE SUN ROSE AND SET
ON YOU, AND YOU ALONE.
BUT THEN YOU ALWAYS PLAYED HIM
FOR ALL HE WAS WORTH.
CHLOE: I ADORED MY UNCLE.
YOU WERE THE ONE LIGHTING
CANDLES THAT EVERY BIRTHDAY
WOULD BE HIS LAST.
GERTRUDE: WHICH IS WHY I HAD
MY SOLICITORS REQUEST LEGAL
CONFIRMATION FROM THE COURT
EXACTLY WHAT CONSTITUTES
THE WORD "HAPPILY" IN "HAPPILY
MARRIED."
FIRST AND FOREMOST, A DECENT
COURTSHIP, A PROPER WEDDING,
WITH ANNOUNCEMENTS,
ATTENDED BY FAMILY AND FRIENDS.
ALEXIS: MAY I SEE THAT?
GERTRUDE: WHAT BUSINESS IS
THIS OF YOURS?
REV. LOVE: NOW, LISTEN,
JUST HOLD ON ONE LONG MINUTE,
ALL RIGHT?
I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO WORDS
COMING FROM YOU, WORDS LIKE
"SHAM" AND "QUICKY" AND "FARCE,"
AND INSULTING NOT ONLY THESE
GOOD PEOPLE HERE BUT
THE REV. U.I. LOVE.
GRANTED,
THIS IS A SPECIAL KIND OF UNION
AND THERE IS NO LEGAL STANDING.
MAYBE IN HAWAII.
BUT IF YOUR NIECE IS SO DISPOSED
THAT SHE WANTS TO SPEND HER LIFE
WITH THIS WOMAN, BASED UPON,
OF COURSE, A MUTUAL LOVE
AND CARING AND RESPECT,
WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT RINGS
HER CHIMES --
GERTRUDE: STOP BABBLING THIS
INSTANT!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT JUST
PERFORM A MARRIAGE?
REV. LOVE: I DID NOT.
EXCUSE ME.
I WAS MERELY MAKING A POINT
ABOUT IMPENDING NUPTIALS TO THIS
GENTLEMAN AND MS. DAVIS, THERE.
NED: DO I LOOK LIKE
A MS. DAVIS TO YOU?
GERTRUDE: I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY IS SHE HOLDING THE BOUQUET
IN HER HAND?
JAX: SHE'S HOLDING IT
FOR THE BRIDE.
I'M GLAD WE FINALLY GOT THAT
STRAIGHTENED OUT.
REV. LOVE: HMM.
JAX: ARE YOU READY TO TAKE
THE PLUNGE, MY DARLING?

SONNY: I --
HANNAH: WHAT?
SONNY: I GET THIS
CHOKING FEELING.
IT'S LIKE, HAVE YOU EVER HAD
TO WATCH SOMEBODY -- JUST WATCH
OR HEAR --
SOMEBODY COMPLETELY UNABLE
TO DEFEND HERSELF?
AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO
ABOUT IT BECAUSE, YOU KNOW --
HANNAH: BECAUSE YOU WERE TOO
YOUNG?
SONNY: THAT OR --
YOU'RE IN THE DARK.
YOU CAN'T GET OUT.
YOU CAN ONLY HEAR, YOU KNOW?
YOU CAN HEAR THE SOUND A BRUISE
MAKES BEFORE IT'S A BRUISE.
BUT GOD DOESN'T HEAR IT,
BECAUSE IF GOD DID HEAR --
HANNAH: SONNY --
SONNY: YOU PROBABLY NEED
TO GO NOW.
HANNAH: NO.
NO.
SONNY: YEAH, YOU SAID YOU HAD
AN EARLY MORNING.
HANNAH: SO WHAT.
SONNY: I JUST THOUGHT MY GUYS
WOULD BE HERE, YOU KNOW,
AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE I NEED.
JUAN: MAN, WHO TRASHED
THE PLACE?
HEY, I'M NOT BREAKING CURFEW.
IT'S TWO MINUTES TO 10:00.

LUKE: OK, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
LUKE: I'LL BRING THEM BACK,
FELICIA, I PROMISE.
BUT IF SOMEBODY DID COMMIT
A MURDER --
FELICIA: THAT'S A BIG IF.
LUKE: WELL, WHAT'S
YOUR EXPLANATION, GEORGE ALAN
WITH SIAMESE TWINS?
COME ON, LOOK, WHOEVER THIS IS,
SOMEBODY KNEW THEM.
MAYBE SOMEBODY LOVED HIM
OR HER AND MISSED HIM
OR HER WHEN THEY DISAPPEARED.
AND WE'RE THE ONLY ONES WHO
STAND A GHOST OF A CHANCE --
PARDON THE EXPRESSION --
FOR BEING ABLE TO FIGURE THAT
OUT.
I MEAN, WE DIDN'T ASK FOR IT,
BUT THERE IT IS.
WE'VE GOT TO FOLLOW THROUGH.
FELICIA: MAYBE.
BUT MURDER OR NO MURDER, THIS IS
THE END OF THE LINE FOR ME.
LUKE: YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT.
FELICIA: I MEAN IT.
SO HOW ARE YOU GOING TO CHECK
THEM AT THE X-RAY MACHINE
AT THE AIRPORT?
LUKE: WE'RE ONLY TAKING
A PUDDLE-JUMPER.
FELICIA: THEY DON'T CARE HOW
FAR WE GO.
LUKE: WELL, I GUESS I'LL HAVE
TO CHECK THEM.
FELICIA: YOU CAN'T CHECK
THEM.
LUKE: WELL, I'M NOT BUYING
THEM SEATS.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL --
WE PICKED THEM UP RECENTLY
ON OUR TRIP TO THE,
UH, MESOPOTAMIAN CRESCENT.
FELICIA: MESOPOTAMIAN
CRESCENT?
LUKE: YEAH, CLAUDE MAKES
THESE BREAKFAST SAUSAGES AT WORK
AND SOMETIMES HE BRINGS THEM
IN AND HE SAYS IT'S A RECIPE
OF HIS GRANDMOTHER'S, AND SHE'S
FROM THE MESOPOTAMIAN CRESCENT.
I THINK THEY'LL BUY IT.
FELICIA: RIGHT.
LIKE HIRAM AND ADELAIDE.

MAC: HA-HA!
THERE --
FELICIA: HI!
MAC: MMM!
THERE'S MY WANDERING WIFE.
FELICIA: I COME HOME TO GO
WANDER NO MORE.
MAC: OH.
GOOD.
BECAUSE NO WAY COULD I HAVE
TIMED DINNER THIS PERFECT EVER
AGAIN.
NOW, I'M NOT SAYING THAT
I COOKED IT, BUT I WILL SAY THAT
MY PHONE CALL TO THE
PORT CHARLES GRILL WAS TIMED
TO PERFECTION.
THEY JUST LEFT.
FELICIA: OH.
YOU ARE SO SWEET.
MAC: THERE YOU GO.
WHAT?
DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE ALREADY
EATEN.
OH, I KNEW I SHOULD'VE ASKED
WHEN YOU PHONED FROM
THE AIRPORT, BUT THEN YOU WERE
WITH LUKE, AND HE THINKS A CIGAR
IS A VEGETABLE.
FELICIA: NO, I DIDN'T EAT.
I JUST LOVE YOU IMMENSELY.
MAC: AND I LOVE YOU
IMMENSELY.
FELICIA: ARE THE GIRLS
ALREADY IN BED?
MAC: MM-HMM.
SO, WHAT DID YOU AND LUKE
DIG UP?
FELICIA: NOTHING.
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
MAC: BECAUSE THAT'S WHY
YOU WENT.
FELICIA: OH, WELL --
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE DID INTERVIEW THIS WOMAN WHO
USED TO WORK FOR THE
QUARTERMAINES AS A MAID --
OR WE TRIED TO.
MAC: DEAD END?
FELICIA: NO.
WELL, YES, ACTUALLY.
SHE REALLY DIDN'T HAVE THAT MUCH
TO SAY.
MAC: SUSPICIOUS?
FELICIA: I WAS AFRAID SHE WAS
GOING TO CALL THE CORPSE --
COPS.
MMM.
WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
IS THAT --
IS THAT GRILLED TROUT?
MAC: I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LOVE
IT, AND IT WAS THE CHEF'S
SPECIAL TONIGHT.
OH.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE GOING
TO MAKE IT WHOLE.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, I'LL -- I'LL CUT THE HEAD
OFF AND TAKE OUT THE BONES.
FELICIA: NO, THAT'S FINE.
I LIKE MINE JUST THE WAY IT IS.

LUKE: OK, BOYS,
LET'S TALK.
GEORGE, I SUPPOSE YOU KNOW
YOU DIDN'T DO THE WORLD ANY
FAVORS BY BRINGING EDWARD
INTO IT.
AND I SUPPOSE YOU KNOW THAT
HE DIDN'T DO ANY FAVORS FOR YOU,
EITHER, BECAUSE EDWARD COULD'VE
KILLED YOU, AND HE COULD'VE
KILLED YOU, TOO.
AND IF HE DIDN'T --
IF HE DIDN'T, HE CERTAINLY KNOWS
WHO DID.
LUKE: HOLD THIS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
LUKE: WHAT?
FAISON: OUR PHONE
CONVERSATION ENDED RATHER
ABRUPTLY.
LUKE: YEAH, I'M FEELING
A LITTLE STATIC RIGHT NOW.
MAYBE IT WASN'T THE PHONE LINE.
FAISON: OH, I BEG
YOUR PARDON.
I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU HAD
COMPANY.
LUKE: OH, THESE ARE JUST
A COUPLE OF OLD FRIENDS
WHO COULDN'T TAKE NO
FOR AN ANSWER.
OVERLY PERSISTENT, YOU KNOW?

GERTRUDE: YES, THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU ALL MUST THINK I'M
QUITE THE FOOL.
NED: OH, GERTRUDE,
NOT AT ALL.
IN FACT, IT'S OUR FAULT FOR NOT
WANTING TO MAKE OUR ENGAGEMENT
PUBLIC.
GERTRUDE: WELL, YOU COULD'VE
AT LEAST TOLD ME.
THAT IS, IF THIS REALLY IS
AN ENGAGEMENT.
CHLOE: WHY, DON'T YOUR SPIES
KEEP YOU WELL INFORMED ENOUGH
ABOUT ME?
NED: I HAVE TO LAUGH TO THINK
THAT YOU WOULD, YOU KNOW,
TAKE THIS AS MY IDEA OF ROMANCE.
I MEAN, THIS IS DEFINITELY MORE
MY GOOD FRIEND JAX'S STYLE.
JAX: OH, YES, YES.
A LITTLE WILD, YOU KNOW?
SO WILL THE HONEYMOON BE, RIGHT?
THAT'S HOW WE LIKE THINGS,
DON'T WE?
ALEXIS: WE'RE PARACHUTISTS.
GERTRUDE: OH, WELL, THAT --
SO HAVE YOU AND CHLOE SET
A DATE?
NED: OF COURSE WE HAVE.
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED TWO WEEKS
FROM FRIDAY.
GERTRUDE: OH. WHERE?
NED: AT MY FAMILY HOME
IN PORT CHARLES.
YOU DIDN'T GET THE INVITATION?
OH. HMM.
TRANSATLANTIC MA.
CAN'T COUNT ON THEM.
ANYWAY, DESPITE THE
CIRCUMSTANCES AND
MISUNDERSTANDING, IT HAS BEEN
DELIGHTFUL MEETING YOU,
BUT OUR FRIENDS HERE REALLY
SHOULD GET ON WITH THE CEREMONY.
GERTRUDE: OH, DON'T MIND ME.
I'D LOVE TO STAY.
REV. LOVE: FORGIVE ME
FOR THIS, BUT I'M REQUIRED
TO ASK --
IS THERE ANYBODY HERE THAT CAN
THINK OF ANY REASON THAT THESE
TWO SHOULD NOT BE MARRIED?
ALEXIS: NO.
REV. LOVE: GENERALLY,
IT'S SOMEONE OTHER THAN
THE BRIDE WHO RESPONDS.
NED: SINCE I'M GETTING
MARRIED MYSELF, NO.
CHLOE: IF THEY BOTH SAY NO,
THEN WHATEVER I SAY DOESN'T
REALLY MATTER.
GERTRUDE: WELL, I THINK
THEY MAKE A CHARMING COUPLE.
REV. LOVE: MM-HMM.
JAX: WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE
IT'S UNANIMOUS.

JUAN: SO WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
WHAT'D I MISS?
WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU DON'T THINK I WAS THE ONE
THAT --
SONNY: NO, NOBODY'S ACCUSING
YOU OF ANYTHING.
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FIXED.
GO UP TO BED.
JUAN: YOU CAN'T ORDER ME
AROUND.
I MEAN, WHAT, DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE MY PARENTS?
HANNAH: EVERYTHING'S ALL
RIGHT HERE, OK?
JUST -- I'LL SEE YOU
IN THE MORNING, ALL RIGHT?
SONNY: YOU HEARD THE WOMAN.
SONNY: THE LAST THING I WOULD
WANT IS FOR YOU TO BE AFRAID
OF ME.
HANNAH: I'M NOT.
SONNY: YOU SAID YOU WERE.
HANNAH: LOOK AT ME.
I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND BEFORE.
NOW I DO.
WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING HIDDEN,
SOMETHING WE THINK WE'RE DONE
WITH, SOMETHING OLD,
BUT WE'RE NOT REALLY DONE
WITH IT.
SONNY: HANNAH?
CAN YOU PACK YOUR STUFF AND,
WHEN THE GUYS GET HERE,
COME BACK HOME WITH ME?
HANNAH: SURE.

MAC: SO, ARE THE GIRLS
IN DREAMLAND OR DID YOU WAKE
THEM UP?
FELICIA: NO, NO, I JUST
CRACKED THE DOOR AND CRYPT IN --
CREPT IN TO CHECK IN ON THEM.
MAC: WILL YOU STOP LOOKING
SO GUILTY.
FELICIA: FOR WHAT?
MAC: FELICIA, I'M PERFECTLY
CAPABLE OF PUTTING THE GIRLS
TO SLEEP.
YOU KNOW, AND STOP BEATING
YOURSELF UP FOR MISSING
THEIR BEDTIME.
THE GIRLS AND I BOTH KNOW THAT
WHEN THEIR MOTHER TAKES
ON A PROJECT, SHE GIVES IT
EVERYTHING SHE'S GOT, AND IT'S
FINE.
FELICIA: NO, IT'S REALLY NOT
FINE.
THESE MEMOIRS AREN'T REALLY SORT
OF TURNING OUT TO BE WHAT
I THOUGHT THEY WERE.
I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO WRITE
ABOUT THIS REALLY WONDERFUL
ROMANCE, THIS COURTSHIP.
MAC: SO AREN'T YOU?
FELICIA: WELL, YEAH.
YEAH, I AM.
BUT YOU KNOW LUKE -- HE KIND
OF SKEWS THINGS.
MAC: WILL YOU FORGET LUKE?
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT LUKE
THINKS.
HEY, THIS IS YOUR BOOK,
ALL RIGHT?
THE GIRLS AND I, WE BOTH WANT
YOU TO WRITE THE HELL OUT OF IT.
FELICIA: AND THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT I'M GOING TO DO,
BY GEORGE -- GOLLY.
STARTING SOMETIME AFTER
MY SHOWER, AND THEN GO TO BED.
MAC: OK.
I'LL BE RIGHT UP.
FELICIA: OK.
MAC: OK?
FELICIA: OK.
[TAPE PLAYS]
[STATIC]
FAISON'S VOICE: THE
ARRANGEMENTS ARE NOT COMPLETE.
CALL ME LATER.
[TAPE STOPS]

FAISON: YOU AND I HAVE
A PARTNERSHIP, I TAKE IT.
RIGHT?
BUT ARRANGEMENTS THAT I MUST
MAKE I CANNOT COMPLETE
BECAUSE OF THE INFORMATION
YOU HAVEN'T GIVEN ME.
SO IF I SEEM A LITTLE
PERSISTENT, THAT WOULD BE --
LUKE: LOOK, YOU DON'T
TRUST ME.
THAT'S OK BECAUSE I DON'T TRUST
YOU, EITHER.
THAT'S HOW THESE THINGS WORK.
BUT TOO MUCH OF THAT AND ANY
AGREEMENT WE MAKE WILL MEAN
NOTHING IN THE END.
FAISON: WELL, THAT WOULD BE
RATHER STUPID, WOULDN'T IT,
OF BOTH OF US, CONSIDERING
THE FORTUNE OF PRECIOUS GEMS
AT STAKE HERE.
THEY'LL MAKE SOMEONE VERY RICH
ONE DAY, SO WHY NOT YOU AND ME?
HMM?
LUKE: I AGREE.
THINK SEPTEMBER, KRIEG.
FAISON: YEAH, BUT
IF YOU COULD GIVE ME A CALENDAR
DATE, IT WOULD MAKE THINGS
SO MUCH EASIER.
LUKE: WELL, YOU KNOW, A LOT
OF US WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A DATE
THESE DAYS, BUT IT AIN'T FATAL
NOT TO HAVE ONE.
GOOD EVENING.
FAISON: PLEASURE, AS USUAL.
LUKE: BETTER KEEP AN EYE
SOCKET ON THAT ONE.

REV. LOVE: NOW BY THE POWER
VESTED IN ME BY THE STATE
OF NEVADA, I PRONOUNCE YOU MAN
AND WIFE.
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE NOW.
[WEDDING MUSIC PLAS]
NED: You may now stop kissing
the bride.
REV. LOVE: MRS. LOVE?
I HAVE SOME PAPERWORK TO FINISH
FOR YOU FOLKS.
JAX: OH, TAKE YOUR TIME.
GERTRUDE: WELL, THAT WAS
CERTAINLY -- QUICK.
I WISH YOU BOTH EVERY HAPPINESS.
JAX: THANK YOU.
GERTRUDE: AND I'LL SEE
YOU BOTH AT YOUR WEDDING?
I WOULDN'T DREAM OF MISSING IT.
CHLOE: GOOD-BYE.
NED: TA-TA.
JAX: BYE.
[CHIMES RING]
[JAX WHISTLES]
NED: CONGRATULATIONS,
MR. AND MRS. JACKS.
CHLOE: ALEXIS, I AM OH,
SO SORRY.
ALEXIS: IT'S OK.
I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING
ON MY DANCE CARD, ANYWAY.
YOU SURE THINK FAST
ON YOUR FEET.
NED: ENTIRELY TOO FAST,
IF YOU ASK ME.
JAX: HEY, EXCUSE ME -- THIS
WHOLE BRAINSTORM MARRIAGE THING
WAS YOUR IDEA.
WHAT WOULD YOU HAVE ME DO,
BLOW THE WHOLE THING FOR CHLOE?
BESIDES, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
WE CAN HAVE THE MARRIAGE
ANNULLED IN -- HOW LONG'S IT
TAKE TO ANNUL A MARRIAGE?
ALEXIS: I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, I'M SURE THE REVEREND
WILL CATER IT.
CAN WE DO IT AT HOME?
MY FEET ARE KILLING ME.
NED: WE NEED TO GET A COPY
OF THAT LEGAL DEFINITION
OF "HAPPILY MARRIED."
GERTRUDE MAY JUST BE BLOWING
SMOKE.
CHLOE: I DOUBT IT.
SHE HAD A WHOLE ARMY OF LAWYERS,
AND THAT DOCUMENT WAS SIGNED
BY A JUDGE.
NED: THEN I GUESS WE START
PLANNING THE WEDDING
OF UNCLE HERBERT'S DREAMS.
BUT FIRST, I HAVE ONE REQUEST.
JAX: I AM NOT GOING
TO IMPERSONATE ANYONE,
HOODWINK ANYONE, OR MARRY ANYONE
ELSE, AND I'M NOT GOING
TO DISCUSS IT OVER CHIPS
AND DIP, EITHER, OK?
NED: ALL I WANTED WAS TO KISS
THE BRIDE.
JAX: OK.
FEEL FREE.
ALEXIS: OH, HONEY.
JAX: KISS THE BRIDE.
NED: COME HERE, YOU.

>> STAY TUNED FOR SCENES FROM
THE NEXT "GENERAL HOSPITAL."

NED: BLASTOFF.

EDWARD: ENGAGED?

MAN: IF YOU WON'T GIVE US
BACK OUR MONEY, WE'RE GOING
TO START POUNDING IT OUT OF YOU.

NIKOLAS: CAN SHE
UNDERSTAND US?
STEFAN: IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE.

LAURA: OH -- OH.
FAISON: MA'AM?

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