General Hospital Transcript Thursday 3/18/99

Provided by Laura

LUCKY: SO WHERE DO YOU WANT
THESE?
ELIZABETH: WELL, FIRST I NEED
TO DECIDE WHERE I WANT YOU.
LUCKY: WELL, ARE YOU SURE
YOU NEED ME?
ELIZABETH: LUCKY.
LUCKY: LOOK, I MEAN,
WHAT WERE THE SKETCHES FOR?
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST MAKE
A PAINTING OUT OF THEM?
ELIZABETH: WELL, IF I COULD,
THEN WE WOULDN'T BE HERE,
WOULD WE?
LUCKY: THAT'S RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE HERE.
ELIZABETH: SEE, THE BACKLIGHT
IS SO WARM, IT JUST -- IT
CHANGES EVERYTHING.
LUCKY: WHAT'S WARM ABOUT IT?
ELIZABETH: HERE.
THIS IS GOOD.
SIT HERE.
COME ON, SIT.
LUCKY: I'M SITTING.
ELIZABETH: UH, YEAH.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- IF WE HEAR
NIKOLAS COMING UP THE DRIVEWAY,
YOU CAN JUMP UP AND LOOK OVER
MY SHOULDER, OK?
I'LL PRETEND I'M USING A SKETCH
OR SOMETHING.
HE WON'T HAVE TO KNOW YOU'RE
POSING FOR ME.
LUCKY: IT'S NOT JUST THAT.
WHEN I HOLD ONE POSITION FOR TOO
LONG, I START GETTING
KNOTTED UP.
ELIZABETH: OH.
WELL, WHAT IF I PROMISE TO FIX
IT AND MAKE IT ALL BETTER?
LUCKY: HOW?
ELIZABETH: I HAVE MY WAYS.
AS LONG AS YOU PROMISE TO SUFFER
IN SILENCE UNTIL I'M DONE.
LUCKY: OK.
ELIZABETH: GOOD.
NED: EMILY.
EMILY: I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE
READING THIS, BUT I AM.
NED: FELICIA'S NOVEL?
EMILY: IT'S ABOUT DAD,
ISN'T IT?
HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH THE WOMAN YOU FOUND HIM
WITH ON COURTLAND STREET.
ALAN: TAMMY CALLED ME,
NOT YOU.
TONY: SO SHE MEMORIZED
YOUR CELL PHONE NUMBER.
SHE KNOWS THAT IF SHE DOESN'T
CALL YOU ONCE A DAY,
YOU'RE GOING TO CALL HER THREE
OR FOUR TIMES AND ASK HER WHAT'S
WRONG.
ALAN: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
I CALL TAMMY ABOUT.
I'M GOING.
TONY: DO YOU KNOW HOW
TERRITORIAL YOU SOUND?
NOW, ISN'T THAT ONE
OF YOUR FLAWS THAT YOU FOUND
IN YOUR SEARCHING MORAL
INVENTORY FOR N.A.?
ALAN: YOU CANNOT ACCEPT
THE FACT THAT TAMMY TRUSTS ME.
SHE HURT HER ANKLE.
SHE CALLED ME.
YOU'RE JEALOUS.
TONY: NO, MONICA'S JEALOUS.
NOW, TRY TO OVERCOME THIS
ATTENTION-SPAN PROBLEM
AND CONCENTRATE.
TAMMY TRUSTS YOU.
YOUR WIFE DOESN'T.
NOT 10 MINUTES AGO, YOU WERE
FRETTING THAT SHE WAS GOING
TO LEAVE YOU BECAUSE OF WHAT
SHE THINKS IS GOING ON BETWEEN
YOU AND TAMMY.
NOW, ARE YOU WILLING TO POUND
THE LAST NAIL INTO YOUR MARRIAGE
COFFIN JUST TO GO OVER THERE?
YOU KNOW MONICA.
SHE'S GOT SPIES AT KELLY'S.
JUST GO TAKE CARE OF YOUR SHIFT.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF TAMMY
AND THE ANKLE, OK?
ALAN: OK.
THAT'LL PROBABLY BE BEST.
TONY: I'LL JUST TELL
HER YOU WENT TO WORK.
TAMMY: MAYBE WE SHOULD STAY
OUT OF THIS.
BOBBIE: SHOULD?
WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE WE SHOULD,
BUT, YOU KNOW, TAMMY, IF YOU'RE
REALLY ALAN'S FRIEND --
FELICIA: STAY OUT OF WHAT?
TAMMY: OH, JEEZ.
GIRLFRIEND, ARE YOU TRYING
TO GIVE US A HEART ATTACK?
BOBBIE: HEY, CAN'T YOU SEE
WE'RE PLOTTING?
FELICIA: WITHOUT ME?
BOBBIE: ALAN QUARTERMAINE
SPENT LAST NIGHT UPSTAIRS
IN TAMMY'S ROOM.
TAMMY: HE WAS HELPING ME GET
MOVED IN AND HE FELL ASLEEP
ON MY COUCH.
FELICIA: IT WAS COMPLETELY
INNOCENT?
BOBBIE: WELL, YEAH,
BUT THAT'S NOT HOW IT LOOKED
TO MONICA WHEN SHE KNOCKED
ON TAMMY'S DOOR THIS MORNING.
FELICIA: OH, I GET IT.
SO WHAT'S THE SALVAGE PLAN?
TAMMY: OK, SO I CALL ALAN.
I TELL HIM I DID SOMETHING AWFUL
TO MY ANKLE.
BOBBIE: AND I CALLED MONICA
AND I TOLD HER THAT LUKE BURNED
HIMSELF SOMETHING AWFUL
IN THE KITCHEN.
FELICIA: OH, SO THEY'RE BOTH
SHOWING UP FOR A MEDICAL RESCUE.
DID MONICA CALL YOU AND SAY,
"BOBBIE, YOU'RE A NURSE.
IS IT REALLY THAT BAD?"
BOBBIE: OH, PLEASE.
DOCTORS DON'T ASK NURSES
FOR ADVICE.
FELICIA: OH. OK.
WE, SO THEN THEY BOTH SHOW UP,
THEY COME TO BLOWS, THEY BREAK
SOME DISHES, AND THEN THEY BOTH
STILL REALIZE THEY'RE MADLY
IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.
TAMMY: WAIT A SECOND.
NOBODY HERE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT
BREAKING DISHES.
BOBBIE: WELL?
FELICIA: I THINK IT'S
VIRTUALLY FOOLPROOF.
BOBBIE: SEE?
I TOLD YOU.
ALAN AND MONICA ARE MEANT TO BE.
TAMMY: AND WE KNOW THIS
BECAUSE?
FELICIA: THEY REALLY NEED
TO HATE EACH OTHER IN ORDER
TO BREAK UP THE MONOTONY.
BOBBIE: THIS WILL WORK.
TRUST ME.
FELICIA, HAVE I EVER BEEN WRONG?
OK, OK, OK.
BUT THIS WILL WORK.
THERE'S SOMETHING AMAZING
IN THE AIR:
WHATEVER YOU WANT
IS ON SALE.
TAKE 20% OFF FASHION
FOR YOU AND YOUR HOME,
EVEN ON TOP OF SALE PRICES.
TAKE 10% OFF APPLIANCES
AND MORE.
AND THAT'S ON TOP
OF SALE PRICES TOO.
IT'S A BLAST OF EVERYTHING
YOU WANT FOR SPRING.
THE WAY ONLY SEARS
COULD DO IT.
AND ONCE IT BLOWS THROUGH,
IT'S GONE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
BUT THERE'S ONE THING
EVERYBODY IN WASHINGTON
CAN AGREE ON.
THERE'S MORE HEARTBURN
THAN EVER!
THAT WOULD BE?
AND MORE REPUBLICANS.
MORE PAIN.
AND MORE BURNING,
MORE PRESSURE.
YEAH, AND IT'S TIME
SOMEONE DID MORE
ABOUT IT, TOO.
ALKA-SELTZER DOES MORE,
WITH MORE MEDICINES THAN
ANY ANTACID OR ACID BLOCKER.
ALKA-SELTZER SPEEDS
COMPLETE RELIEF TO YOUR WORST
HEARTBURN AND PAIN.
YEAH, ALKA-SELTZER.
THIS COUNTRY
DESERVES MORE.
YOU SOUND LIKE
A DEMOCRAT.
DEMOCRATS JUST PROMISE MORE.
..
BOTH OF THESE CONTAINERS
CAN GO INTO THE MICROWAVE.
ONE OF THEM
DOESN'T ALWAYS MAKE IT.
NEW...
IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER HOW LONG
THEY'VE BEEN IN THE FRIDGE,
JUST REMEMBER,
ONE IS AFFORDABLE ENOUGH
TO THROW AWAY.
ü CHOW CHOW CHOW ü
A PURINA CAT CHOW CAT
IS SO HEALTHY.
KNOW WHY?
PURINA CAT CHOW
HAS ADVANCED NUTRITION
WITH OMEGA 6 FATTY ACIDS...
PURINA...
ü CHOW CHOW CHOW ü
qNESTLE TREASURES.
CHOCOLATE WITH
A PEANUT BUTTERY FILLING.
THEY'RE NEW. AND THEY'RE
DEFINITELY "WOMEN'S DOMAIN."
'CUZ IF GUYS WANT
TO FIND THEM IN THE STORE,
THEY'LL HAVE TO ASK
FOR DIRECTIONS.
NEW NESTLE TREASURES.
ELIZABETH: THIS IS PERFECT --
THE WAY YOU'RE SITTING, THE WAY
THE LIGHT'S COMING THROUGH.
YOU KNOW, I'VE REALLY GOT
TO STOP SAYING THAT.
LUCKY: WHAT?
ELIZABETH: I'M PUTTING TOO
MUCH PRESSURE ON MYSELF
FOR EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING MAYBE
I SHOULD JUST WAIT AND APPLY
AGAIN NEXT YEAR TO THE ART
ACADEMY.
LUCKY: ELIZABETH, WHY?
YOU ALREADY MADE THE FIRST CUT.
ELIZABETH: WELL,
I'M OBVIOUSLY NOT THE TYPE
OF STUDENT THEY HAD IN MIND.
LUCKY: HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
ELIZABETH: OH, "PLEASE SELECT
THREE PIECES OF YOUR ARTWORK
IN ANY MEDIUM TO SUBMIT"?
LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO HAVE ALL
THIS ARTWORK JUST LYING AROUND?
LUCKY: WELL, MOST
OF THE PEOPLE WHO APPLY ARE
PROBABLY OLDER THAN YOU.
IT IS A SCHOOL, NOT A GALLERY.
LOOK, THEY'RE INTERESTED
IN YOUR TALENT, YOUR FUTURE --
NOT HOW MUCH ART PER SQUARE INCH
YOU'VE GOT PILED UP, TRUST ME.
AND TALENT WE KNOW YOU'VE GOT.
I MEAN, WOULD I BE SITTING HERE
LIKE A STUFFED MOOSE HEAD
IF I WASN'T SURE OF THAT?
ELIZABETH: LUCKY,
THERE'S TALENT, AND THERE'S
TALENT.
NOW, I'M NOT PUTTING MYSELF
DOWN.
I MEAN, I KNOW I CAN DO THINGS
WITH THE BRUSHES AND PAINTS THAT
MOST PEOPLE CAN'T.
BUT REALLY, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
THERE'S PHOTOGRAPHERS AND THEN
THERE'S A WOMAN WHO GOES AROUND
TAKING PICTURES OF EVERYBODY
AT THE PROM.
WHICH ONE AM I?
LUCKY: WHO CAN ANSWER THAT?
NOT SOME ART SCHOOL.
BECAUSE MAYBE THE PROM LADY,
IF SHE SWITCHED PLACES
WITH THE BIG-TIME PHOTOGRAPHER,
WOULD BE JUST AS GOOD.
IT'S ALL ABOUT WHAT'S INSIDE.
ELIZABETH: YEAH, I GUESS.
ALTHOUGH I DO KNOW WHATEVER
I PAINT NOW, I'M GOING TO HATE
IT IN FIVE YEARS.
LUCKY: WELL, THAT'S ALL
THE MORE REASON TO QUIT
AGONIZING AND PAINT BEFORE
NIKOLAS GETS HOME.
IT'S BETTER TO BE DOOMED
AND DONE THAN DOOMED AND NOT,
RIGHT?
ELIZABETH: YOU'VE GOT A GOOD
POINT.
NED: EMILY, THAT IS A NOVEL
OF FICTION, WHICH MEANS IT'S NOT
TRUE.
EMILY: DAD'S HAVING AN AFFAIR
WITH THE WOMAN ON COURTLAND
STREET, JUST LIKE IN THE BOOK.
HE'S CHEATING ON MOM, AND THAT'S
WHY HE WON'T COME HOME.
NED: NO.
EMILY, COME ON.
YOU SAW ALAN IN HIS DRUGGED-OUT
DAYS.
HE WAS HARDLY PASSION'S
PLAYTHING, IF YOU KNOW WHAT
I MEAN.
EMILY: OH. COME ON, NED.
PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.
PLEASE DON'T SUGARCOAT THE AWFUL
THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON UNDER
MY NOSE AND TELL ME I'M RIGHT
WHEN I'M WRONG AND I'M WRONG
WHEN I'M RIGHT.
THAT'S WHAT A.J. AND CARLY
AND GRANDFATHER DO, AND IT MAKES
ME WANT TO BURN DOWN THE HOUSE
WITH THEM IN IT.
YOU SAID I COULD COME HERE AFTER
SCHOOL IF I WANTED TO,
AND I DID.
NED: I'M GLAD YOU DID --
BECAUSE IT'S A LOT EASIER THAN,
YOU KNOW, HAVING TO RESCUE THEM
FROM THE FLAMES AND DEALING
WITH THE INSURANCE COMPANY
AND REBUILDING THE ENTIRE HOUSE
OF HORRORS FROM SCRATCH.
I APPRECIATE THAT.
OK.
HERE'S WHAT I THINK
AND HERE IS WHAT'S POSSIBLE.
WHAT I THINK IS THAT ALAN,
EVEN ON DRUGS, IS ALWAYS ALAN,
WHICH MEANS HE HAS TO HELP
PEOPLE.
AND IN THIS CASE,
POOR TAMMY WAS ELECTED.
EMILY: TAMMY?
TAMMY, AS IN THE MANAGER
OF KELLY'S?
NED: ME AND MY BIG MOUTH.
YES, I THINK THAT HE HELPED
TAMMY INTO THAT JOB JUST LIKE
HE HELPED HIMSELF INTO THAT
MURDER CHARGE ON HER ACCOUNT --
NEEDLESSLY, AS IT TURNED OUT.
WELL, YOU READ THE BOOK.
NOW, WHAT I THINK IS
POSSIBLE IS,
OK, MAYBE ALAN DID OR DOES HAVE
SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST WISHFUL
THINKING GOING ON WITH HER,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT
HE DOESN'T LOVE MONICA MADLY.
AND I AM NOT SUGARCOATING
THINGS.
THAT'S JUST THE WAY THEY ARE,
AS YOU'VE SEEN FOR YOURSELF.
EMILY: BUT WHY?
WHY ARE THEY THAT WAY?
I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE WHO LOVE
EACH OTHER, THEY SHOW IT
IN A BEAUTIFUL WAY.
I MEAN, LOOK AT LUCKY AND LIZ.
NED: WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
LUCKY AND LIZ HAVE BEEN IN LOVE,
WHAT, 10, 15 MINUTES?
EMILY: OH, COME ON,
NED, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
NED: THERE'S NO ONE WAY
TO BE IN LOVE.
I MEAN, TRUST ME,
I'VE TRIED FIVE OR SIX.
AND AS GRUESOME AS IT MAY APPEAR
TO THE REST OF US, YOU CAN HAVE
FAITH IN MONICA AND ALAN'S WAY
BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS WORK THINGS
OUT.
BOBBIE: TAMMY?
NO, TAMMY'S NOT HERE.
TONY: NO, I KNOW SHE'S HERE.
OF COURSE SHE'S HERE.
FELICIA: SHE'S BUSY.
TONY: SHE'S INJURED AND NEEDS
HELP.
IS SHE UPSTAIRS?
FELICIA: WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
BOBBIE: TONY, GO BACK WHERE
YOU CAME FROM.
TONY: WHAT IS THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
FELICIA: WHERE'S ALAN?
TAMMY: TONY!
TONY: OK.
OBVIOUSLY THERE'S SOME KIND
OF UNDERHANDED SCHEME HERE
TO LURE ALAN --
FELICIA: AND MONICA, TOO.
BOBBIE: WELL, YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE HAVING THIS TEENY,
TINY, LITTLE PROBLEM.
TAMMY: AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT
BECAUSE, YOU SEE, HE --
TONY: SAY NO MORE.
SAY NO MORE.
FELICIA: WHO'S HE CALLING?
BOBBIE: I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
FELICIA: OH, DON'T TELL ME --
BOBBIE: TONY --
FELICIA: DON'T TELL ME --
TONY: VAL?
VAL, YES, IT'S TONY.
IS ALAN THERE?
TAMMY: DON'T TELL HIM.
TONY: OK, FINE.
YES, I NEED TO TALK TO HIM.
ALAN?
YES, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET
MARK OR SOMEONE TO TAKE
YOUR PLACE RIGHT NOW AND GET
OVER TO KELLY'S AND TREAT MMY.
YES, I GOT PAGED AND I'M NOT
GOING TO BE ABLE TO MAKE IT.
THAT'S UNLESS, OF COURSE,
YOU DON'T REMEMBER HOW TO TREAT
A SPRAIN?
DON'T GET HUFFY.
OK.
BYE-BYE.
TAMMY: YES.
TONY: IT'S ONLY GOING TO HURT
FOR A MOMENT.
COME ON.
BOBBIE: Thank you.
ALAN: WHAT?
BOBBIE: THANK YOU.
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE MAKEUP... IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE MAKEUP...
IT'S A NEW KIND OF NATURAL.
TRUE ILLUSION FROM MAYBELLINE.
SOME MAKEUP CAN CLUMP
AND LOOK OBVIOUS
BUT TRUE ILLUSION'S
EXCLUSIVE MICRO-MESH FORMULA
RELEASES COLOR PIGMENTS
WEIGHTLESSLY... EVENLY...
SUBTLY CONCEALING IMPERFECTIONS
FOR A FLAWLESS
YET MAKEUP-FREE
LOOK.
TRUE ILLUSION LIQUID MAKEUP.
AND NOW
NEW LIQUID-TO-POWDER
COMPACT MAKEUP
FROM MAYBELLINE.
ü MAYBE IT'S MAYBELLINE. ü
..
BUCK, BUCK,
BUCK, BUCK...
AND THE CARAMEL EGG...
BUCK, BUCK,
BUCK, BUCK...
AND NOW THE NEW CADBURY'S
CHOCOLATE CREME EGG.
[DEEP VOICE]
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK.
FILLED WITH DEEP,
RICH CHOCOLATE.
[DEEP VOICE]
I LOVE THESE EGGS.
Man on P.A.:
Stop by Aisle 5
for Clairol's Herbal Essences.
It takes you where
no shampoo has... GONE BEFORE.
( woman moaning and laughing )
WITH ALL NATURAL BOTANICALS
AND ORGANIC HERBS
IN PURE MOUNTAIN WATER.
YES!
IT WILL LEAVE YOUR HAIR
LOOKING BEAUTIFUL.
YES!
YES!
IF YOU THINK THAT'S GREAT...
TRY THE BODY WASH.
( giggling )
Clairol's Herbal Essences.
YEAH. I'VE BEEN HAVING
THIS PROBLEM
WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.
OOH.
DIARRHEA. GET IT,
AND YOU WANT IT GONE.
IMODIUM ADVANCED
COMBINES TWO MEDICINES...
THAT RELIEVE DIARRHEA
PLUS CRAMPS AND BLOATING FASTER.
SO WAS I RIGHT TO INVITE MY MOM
TO MY HONEYMOON ?
OH, DAVE. ABSOLUTELY.
IMODIUM ADVANCED.
ü YOU CHOOSE A FRIEND
FOR THE FAMILY ü
ü THANK YOU, MOM
YOU'RE SO SUPER TO ME ü
ü MOMS LIKE YOU CHOOSE JIF
CHOOSE JIF ü
CREAMY JIF HAS MORE PEANUT TASTE
THAN ANY OTHER LEADING
CREAMY BRAND.
WE HOT-ROAST
ONLY THE BEST PEANUTS...
FOR THAT GOLDEN COLOR...
AND RICH AROMA--
THE PEANUTTIEST TASTE OF ALL.
ü WHEN THE CHOICE IS RIGHT
WE ALL SLEEP TIGHT ü
ü MOMS LIKE YOU CHOOSE JIF ü
ü CHOOSE JIF üü
LOOK OUT BELOW !
[ Grunts ]
AND WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY
MAY MAKE YOU BLUSH,
SO BRACE YOURSELF.
LET'S FACE IT,
CLEANING IS MY JOB.
KLEENEX COTTONELLE
WITH CUSHY RIPPLES.
FEELING CLEANER
IS THE BOTTOM LINE.
NED: IT'S BEEN A PRETTY
UNMANAGEABLE COUPLE WEEKS,
HASN'T IT?
EMILY: YEP.
MICHAEL KEEPS CRYING AND CRYING,
AND GRANDFATHER KEEPS ORDERING
HIM TO STOP, LIKE THAT'S GOING
TO WORK.
AND CARLY --
OH, SHE SWEEPS AROUND THE HOUSE
LIKE SHE'S SOME NEW KATHERINE
BELL IN TRAINING.
AND A.J. --
A.J. IS SO FULL OF HIMSELF.
"WELL, MY SON" THIS AND "MY SON"
THAT.
HE REALLY THINKS THAT IT'S OK
TO BOSS EVERYONE AROUND.
NED: THAT IS WHY I LIVE HERE
AT THE GATEHOUSE.
EMILY: I WISH SOMEONE WOULD
BUILD ME A GATEHOUSE.
NED: I HAVE AN EXTRA BEDROOM
UPSTAIRS.
IT'S YOURS FOR THE ASKING.
EMILY: NO. I CAN'T.
I MEAN, I LOVE MICHAEL VERY MUCH
AND I NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR HIM,
YOU KNOW?
JASON ALSO ASKED ME TO.
NED: OK.
BUT DO ME A FAVOR.
DO NOT --
I REPEAT --
DO NOT LET YOURSELF GET LOST
IN THE DRAMA.
I KNOW IT'S HARD NOT TO,
BUT RESIST.
RESIST, RESIST.
EMILY: OK.
NED: AND KNOW THAT MY DOOR'S
ALWAYS OPEN.
SEE?
V: HEY, BOSS.
EMILY: WOW.
WELL, I GUESS IF I'M NOT GOING
TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME, I'M GOING
TO GO HOME AND EAT.
NED: OH.
WELL, THAT'LL SHOW THEM.
EMILY: YEAH.
I ALSO WANTED TO SPEND A LITTLE
TIME WITH MICHAEL, YOU KNOW?
HE DOESN'T CRY AS MUCH WHEN I'M
AROUND HIM AND, WELL,
THAT'S A GOOD THING.
SO, THANKS FOR, YOU KNOW,
TALKING TO ME ABOUT THAT STUFF.
NED: WELL, I'M GLAD I COULD
BE HERE FOR YOU.
TAKE CARE.
EMILY: BYE.
BYE, V.
V: SEE YOU, EMILY.
BOY, IF I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN
HAVING A FATAL DISEASE OR BEING
15 AGAIN, I'D REALLY HAVE
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
SO, YOU READY TO REHEARSE THOSE
NEW SONGS?
NED: UH, MAYBE.
IF --
WELL, IN A MINUTE.
V: "IF"?
NED: IF I CAN OVERCOME
THE URGE TO FIND ALAN AND MONICA
AND SHOOT THEM WHERE THEY STAND.
V: OH.
BOBBIE: OK, SO HIDE IN HERE.
TAMMY: OK.
BOBBIE: BE REALLY QUIET
BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO BE HERE
ANY MINUTE, AND I'LL BE BACK.
OH, YOU, GIRL, ARE SO
DISCIPLINED.
I'M SO IMPRESSED.
FELICIA: MEDDLING IN OTHER
PEOPLE'S BUSINESS IS DEFINITELY
A LOT MORE FUN, BUT IF I DON'T
GET MY FIVE PAGES WRITTEN --
BOBBIE: FIVE?
IS THAT ALL?
FELICIA: IF ONLY YOU KNEW
WHAT IT TAKES TO WRITE ONE PAGE.
BOBBIE: OH, WELL, HOW MANY
WORDS ARE ON A PAGE?
FELICIA: HMM, NEVER COUNTED.
BOBBIE: GEE, YOU KNOW, I CAN
TYPE 25 WORDS A MINUTE.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, THAT'S KIND
OF SLOW, BUT I GUESS IT TAKES
LONGER IF YOU'RE MAKING THEM UP
AS YOU GO ALONG, BUT HOW MUCH
LONGER COULD IT POSSIBLY TAKE?
FELICIA: MONICA!
MONICA: HI.
BOBBIE: OH, MONICA,
THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE.
MONICA: YOUR BROTHER MUST BE
THE ONLY MAN ON EARTH THAT
REQUIRES A CARDIOLOGIST TO TREAT
A BURN.
HI, FELICIA.
FELICIA: HI.
BYE.
BOBBIE: BYE.
MONICA: BYE.
BOBBIE: WELL, YOU KNOW,
HE WON'T GO TO G.H., AND YOU ARE
THE ONLY DOCTOR HE RESPECTS.
MONICA: LUKE RESPECTS ME?
SINCE WHEN?
BOBBIE: WELL, I THINK HE'S
SCARED OF YOU.
FELICIA: NO, NO, NO!
GET DOWN, GET DOWN!
LUKE: WHAT, WHAT,
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
FELICIA: GO, GO, GO!
LUKE: WHAT?
BOBBIE: AND THEN THE NEXT
THING I KNEW, LUKE WAS FALLING
AND HIS ENTIRE RIGHT ARM
JUST PLUNGED RIGHT
INTO THE FRYER, AND,
OH, GOD, IT WAS HORRIBLE.
MONICA: WELL, I'M SURE IT
WAS, BUT WHY DON'T YOU EXPLAIN
IT TO ME WHILE I'M
EXAMINING HIM?
BOBBIE: OH, WELL, WE BROUGHT
HIM UPSTAIRS, YOU KNOW, TO LIE
DOWN, AND UNLESS HE TOOK OFF
BY WAY OF THE FIRE ESCAPE,
THAT'S WHERE HE IS -- UPSTAIRS.
MONICA: OK, WELL,
WHERE UPSTAIRS?
BOBBIE: THIRD DOOR
ON THE RIGHT.
MONICA: TAMMY'S ROOM?
BOBBIE: MONICA.
NOW, MONICA, DON'T BE
CHILDISH, OK?
LUKE IS IN THERE, AND HIS ARM --
YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY HURTING.
MONICA: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
BOBBIE: IT COULD GET
INFECTED.
OK, NOW, HURRY UP, OK?
MONICA: YES, ALL RIGHT.
REALLY, I'M GOING AS FAST
AS I CAN.
BOBBIE: TOOK YOU A WHILE
TO GET HERE.
MONICA: ALL RIGHT.
BOBBIE: ALAN!
OH, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
MONICA: LUKE?
LUKE?
MONICA: LUKE?
BOBBIE: TAMMY IS IN SO MUCH
PAIN.
SHE'S UPSTAIRS.
ALAN: OK.
BOBBIE: SHE'S WAITING
FOR YOU UPSTAIRS.
ALAN: ALL RIGHT.
BOBBIE: OH, I FEEL SO BAD
FOR HER.
SHE REALLY NEEDS YOU.
ALAN: TAKE IT EASY.
BOBBIE: THANK YOU FOR COMING.
ALAN: I'M GOING, I'M GOING.
BOBBIE: OK, COME ON,
HURRY UP, HURRY UP.
BE QUIET, BE QUIET.
MONICA: I GUESS HE DID USE
THE FIRE ESCAPE.
ALAN: WHO?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
MONICA: WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE?
ONE 3 LAYER WEDDING CAKE.
DONE!
3? SHOULD BE 6.
BAYER CAN RELIEVE
ARTHRITIS INFLAMMATION.
TYLENOL CAN'T.
AND TAKEN REGULARLY,
BAYER CAN HELP SAVE YOUR LIFE.
TA DA!
ASK YOUR DOCTOR.
WHERE YOU TAKE
ST. JOHN'S BAY CARGOS
IS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHERE
THEY TAKE YOU.
CARGO PANTS AND SHORTS
FROM ST. JOHN'S BAY.
POCKETS OF FREEDOM
IN YOUR STATE OF MIND.
ONLY AT JCPenney.
ñ>>?

THE CREST EXTENDER,
WITH GENTLE EXTENDER FIBERS...
TO CLEAN DEEP BETWEEN TEETH.
THE CREST EXTENDER.
CHICKEN VOILA!
SEASONED, GRILLED
CHICKEN BREAST,
PASTA AND BIRDS EYE VEGETABLES,
ALL IN ONE BAG.
SO SIMPLE,
IT ALMOST PREPARES ITSELF.
HOW SWEET.
YOU MADE DINNER.
CHICKEN VOILA! BRING
A LITTLE "WOW" TO YOUR TABLE.
MONICA: OOH!
OH, I'LL STRANGLE HER!
COULD THIS WHOLE THING BE ANY
MORE JUVENILE?
ALAN: JUST LEAVE TAMMY OUT
OF THIS.
MONICA: I MEANT BOBBIE.
BOBBIE!
ALAN: SHE WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP, I SUPPOSE.
MONICA: WASN'T DEGRADING
ENOUGH FINDING YOU HERE EARLIER.
ALAN: SPEAKING OF JUVENILE,
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY MORE
OF YOUR ACCUSATIONS, SO SAVE
YOUR BREATH.
MONICA: YOU DON'T HONESTLY
EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT YOU'RE
NOT SLEEPING WITH THE WOMAN.
ALAN: YES, I DO.
FOR YOUR INFORMATION, HOW COULD
I POSSIBLY FEEL LIKE SOME
BURNING HUNK OF LOVE WHEN I AM
MARRIED TO SUCH A CASTRATING --
MONICA: WHAT?
YOU CAN'T BLAME OUR MARRIAGE
FOR PUTTING A DAMPER ON YOUR SEX
LIFE.
ALAN: IN THE COURSE
OF OUR ENTIRE MARRIED LIFE,
HAVE YOU EVER LISTENED TO ME
ONCE?
HERE YOU ARE JUMPING
TO CONCLUSIONS THAT IT'S ME
THAT'S PLAYING AROUND
WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE THAT DOES
THAT.
MONICA: HOW DID THIS
REVOLTING MESS GET TO BE
ABOUT ME?
ALAN: OH, LET ME COUNT
THE WAYS -- RICK WEBBER --
MONICA: OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
ALAN: SEAN DONNELLY,
FELIPE --
MONICA: WHO?
OH.
ALAN: NED -- WHO I FIND
PARTICULARLY GALLING -- AND,
OF COURSE, THEN THERE'S
MR. CHARM, PIERCE DORMAN,
MAY HE NEVER REST IN PEACE.
MONICA: HOW DARE YOU THROW
THAT UP IN MY FACE.
ALAN: BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONE
WHO IS OBSESSED WITH
EXTRAMARITAL WHAT-HAVE-YOU,
NOT I.
YOU FEEL A HUMAN BEING ONLY HAS
TWO GEARS -- PERFECT CONTENTMENT
OR ADULTERY -- AND IF YOU DON'T
HAVE ONE, YOU'RE ENTITLED
TO THE OTHER.
MONICA: LOOK WHO'S TALKING.
WELL, ARE YOU READY FOR A LITTLE
STROLL DOWN MEMORY LANE?
BOBBIE: WELL, WHAT DO
YOU THINK?
TAMMY: THEY WERE YELLING.
TONY: YEAH, BUT THEY'RE NOT
YELLING THAT MUCH, THOUGH.
BOBBIE: YEAH, BUT WE WANT
THEM TO YELL, RIGHT?
TONY: I KNOW.
IDEALLY, THEY SHOULD BE YELLING,
AND THEN NOT THAT MUCH YELLING,
AND THEN YELLING, AND THEN THERE
SHOULD BE SOME X-RATED SOUNDS.
BOBBIE: HMM.
OH. EXCUSE ME.
JUSTUS, HI.
JUSTUS: HI.
BOBBIE: ARE YOU THE D.A. YET?
IS IT OFFICIAL?
JUSTUS: OH, I WISH,
BUT, YOU KNOW, THE POLLS DON'T
CLOSE FOR HOURS.
BOBBIE: BUT YOU HEARD WHAT
THEY SAID ON THE RADIO, RIGHT?
JUSTUS: ACTUALLY, I HAVEN'T.
I'VE BEEN OUT THERE, YOU KNOW,
SHOWING OFF MY TEETH,
SHAKING HANDS WITH -- WHAT WERE
THEY, LITTLE GREEN PEOPLE
FROM MARS?
BOBBIE: DOESN'T MATTER
AS LONG AS THEY'RE REGISTERED
VOTERS, RIGHT?
JUSTUS: YEAH.
BOBBIE, WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE
A -- NO, NO, NO, NOT A MENU.
I NEED A RADIO.
HOW'D YOU KNOW?
BOBBIE: OH, WELL,
BECAUSE YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY
TO YOUR CAMPAIGN OFFICE
AND YOU DECIDED TO STOP
BY TO SEE WHAT THE EXIT
POLLS SAY.
I MEAN, HEY, THAT'S WHAT
I WOULD DO.
JUSTUS: THANKS.
BOBBIE: YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT
SOME COFFEE, HELP YOURSELF
BECAUSE I'M KIND OF BUSY
RIGHT NOW.
I'M MONITORING A SITUATION
UPSTAIRS.
JUSTUS: YEAH, SO I NOTICED.
RADIO ANNOUNCER: WE'VE GOT
AN UPDATE FOR YOU NOW
ON THE SPECIAL ELECTION FOR D.A.
ALL INDICATIONS ARE IT'S
A LANDSLIDE FOR EX-COUNCILMAN
JUSTUS WARD.
EXIT POLLS SAY THAT DRUG BUST
HE MASTERMINDED LAST NIGHT WAS
THE DECIDING FACTOR FOR MOST
VOTERS.
JUSTUS: I WAS LISTENING
TO THAT.
TAGGERT: OH, WHAT DO YOU WANT
TO KNOW?
LOWEST VOTER TURNOUT IN YEARS.
PEOPLE REALLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
ONLY THE LAW-AND-ORDER TYPES
WERE OUT IN FORCE, AND OF COURSE
THEY VOTED FOR THE MASTERMIND
WHO TOOK THE HARD WORK
OF THE PCPD AND USED IT TO STEAL
A JOB FROM A WOMAN WHO ACTUALLY
EARNED IT.
MONICA: SUSAN MOORE,
LUCY COE -- WHO'S TALKING
OFFENSIVE HERE? --
AND, I THINK THE REALLY ALL-TIME
LOW, MY SO-CALLED BEST FRIEND
BOBBIE SPENCER.
ALAN: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE
BACK TO THAT.
MONICA: AND NOW YOU'VE TAKEN
TO PAYING FOR SEX WITH
CALL GIRLS.
IS IT BECAUSE IT SAVES TIME
OR THERE'S A BETTER SELECTION?
ALAN: DOES IT EVER REGISTER
WITH YOU THAT OF ALL THE WOMEN
YOU'VE TALKED ABOUT, I ONLY EVER
SLEPT WITH TWO OF THEM,
ONE OF WHICH I MARRIED?
MONICA: IT REGISTERS THAT
YOU'RE NOT ONLY A LIAR,
YOU'RE A DOG.
AT LEAST WHEN I MAKE MISTAKES,
I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM.
ALAN: THERE IS NO COMPARISON
HERE.
IT IS COMMON KNOWLEDGE THAT
YOU'RE A SLUT WHO'S MADE
A LAUGHINGSTOCK OF ME EVERY
SINGLE TIME YOU COULD.
AT LEAST THE COUPLE OF TIMES
I'VE HAD A BRIEF AFFAIR,
I'VE TAKEN THE PAINS TO BE
DISCREET.
MONICA: DISCREET?
IS THAT WHAT YOU CALLED IT WHEN
YOU BROUGHT YOUR ILLEGITIMATE
SON HOME?
IS THAT WHAT YOU CALLED IT WHEN
YOU MURDERED RAY CONWAY
DEFENDING RHONDA WEXLER'S RATHER
DUBIOUS HONOR?
ALAN: I NEVER GOT SUED
FOR SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
I NEVER TOOK AN EX-LOVER
PRISONER, PUT HIM IN A MOTEL
ROOM, AND THEN TORTURED HIM!
MONICA: NO, YOU DROPPED
A BUILDING ON ONE.
ALAN: IT WAS ONLY A ROOF,
AND HALF OF IT WAS INTENDED
FOR YOU.
MONICA: I DON'T SUPPOSE TAMMY
HAS ANY T.N.T. AROUND.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH YOU THAT A STICK
OF DYNAMITE WOULDN'T FIX.
ALAN: I WOULDN'T TRUST
ANYTHING SMALLER THAN A ROOF
WITH YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT MY DREAM IS,
MONICA?
A SPANISH-STYLE ROOF
WITH A LOT OF HEAVY SLATE.
LUKE: ALAN AND TAMMY?
FELICIA: ONLY IN MONICA'S
MIND.
LUKE: YOU THINK MONICA,
LIKE, MIGHT WANT TO GET EVEN?
YOU KNOW, SHE'S NEVER COME
ON TO ME.
FELICIA: WHAT WAS
SHE THINKING?
LUKE: I DON'T KNOW.
FELICIA: DID I HURT
YOU AT ALL?
LUKE: UH-UH.
WOMEN TACKLE ME ALL THE TIME.
FELICIA: EXCEPT MONICA.
LUKE: MM-HMM.
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT --
MONICA SAYS THAT SHE'S THROUGH
WITH ALAN, SO BOBBIE LOCKED THEM
IN A ROOM TOGETHER?
FELICIA: MM-HMM.
LUKE: ONLY MY SISTER WOULD
THINK OF SOMETHING SO INSANE.
NO, ACTUALLY, YOU ALL WOULD.
FELICIA: WHO ALL?
LUKE: WHEN A MAN SEES
SOMETHING CRAWLING TOWARDS
A TERRIBLE END, GASPING
FOR BREATH WITH NO HOPE
IN SIGHT, WHAT DOES HE WANT
TO DO?
HE WANTS TO PUT A BULLET
IN ITS HEAD.
WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT TO DO?
SHE WANTS TO HOOK IT UP
TO MACHINES.
SHE WANTS TO FEED IT
INTRAVENOUSLY.
SHE WANTS TO READ IT ROMANTIC
NOVELS AND MAKE THAT
EXCRUCIATING AGONY LAST AS LONG
AS POSSIBLE.
FELICIA: NOT ALL WOMEN.
LUKE: REALLY?
WELL, IF THERE'S A FEMALE
KEVORKIAN OUT THERE WHEN IT
COMES TO MARRIAGE, I'D LIKE
TO MEET HER.
MIGHT EVEN LIKE TO MARRY HER.
FELICIA: OH.
WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.
I'M ALREADY MARRIED.
MAYBE THERE ARE WORSE THINGS,
BUT WHEN YOU GET
A YEAST INFECTION,
YOU CAN'T THINK OF ANY
TILL YOU SEE HOW MUCH IT COSTS
TO CURE IT.
SO, I RELY ON MYCELEX-3.
WORKS JUST AS WELL AS MONISTAT,
BUT COSTS LESS.
MY CHOICE,
MY CURE IS MYCELEX.
ü STRESS STINKS! üü ARRID WORKS! ü
EVEN UNDER STRESS
ARRID CAN HELP STOP
YOUR WORST SMELLING SWEAT.
ü ARRID WORKS! ü
ARRID.
WE'RE ON THE ROAD
TESTING NEW SNACKABOUTS,
THE GO ANYWHERE CEREAL
SNACK PACKS FROM POST.
ROAD TEST !
THEY'RE GOOD AT SCHOOL.
CHECK.
THEY'RE GOOD AT WORK.
CHECK.
THEY'RE GOOD
AT THE GAME.
CHECK !
NO.
I'D SAY THEY'RE GOOD
WHEREVER YOU GO.
YEAH ? GOOD... GOING !
NEW POST SNACKABOUTS:
THEY'RE IN
THE CEREAL AISLE !
THIS IS REALLY SOMETHING.
YOU SEE THIS PAIN RELIEVER ?
NOTHING IS PROVEN TO WORK BETTER
OR LAST LONGER.
NOTHING.
YOU SEE THIS ONE ?
FOR 14 YEARS, PEOPLE
HAVE COUNTED ON THIS FOR RELIEF.
AND IT'S GENTLE
ON THE STOMACH.
AND YOU MAY BE SURPRISED
TO LEARN...
THAT BOTH ARE ADVIL.
IT'S TRUE.
NOTHING'S PROVEN TO WORK BETTER
OR LONGER THAN ADVIL.
AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE
CAN TELL YOU,
IT'S GENTLE TO THE STOMACH.
ADVIL.
!
LUKE: YOU DON'T REALLY THINK
I'M GOING TO BELIEVE YOU'RE
A CYNIC, DO YOU?
NOT WITH A FACE LIKE YOURS.
FELICIA: YOU'RE NOT THAT
SUPERFICIAL, AND NEITHER AM I.
SOMETIMES A MARRIAGE CAN'T
BE SAVED,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH EFFORT
YOU PUT INTO IT, NO MATTER HOW
CERTAIN YOU WERE THAT IT WOULD
NEVER END.
SOMETIMES IT JUST DOES.
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN
I REALIZED THAT FRISCO LOVED ME
BUT HE LOVED HIS JOB MORE.
LUKE: WHAT DID YOU DO?
FELICIA: I LET GO
OF THE MARRIAGE WHILE THERE WAS
STILL GOOD THINGS TO REMEMBER.
SOMETIMES LOVE DOESN'T LAST,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT
WASN'T REAL.
YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP THAT IMAGE
IN YOUR HEAD OF WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE AND SEE THE ROAD AHEAD
OF YOU.
LUCKY: IS THAT THE LAMP
YOU PICKED OUT?
ELIZABETH: PLEASE DO NOT TURN
YOUR HEAD TO LOOK AT IT.
YES, IT IS.
LUCKY: DID NIKOLAS LIKE IT?
ELIZABETH: I DON'T THINK
HE LIKED MY TIMING VERY MUCH.
KATHERINE BELL WAS HERE WHEN
I BROUGHT IT OVER.
LUCKY: WHAT WERE THEY DOING?
ELIZABETH: OH, WELL, I THINK
THEY JUST GOT DONE HAVING
A PICNIC ON THE FLOOR.
DO YOU EVER WISH --
I MEAN, DO YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT WHAT --
LUCKY: NO.
ELIZABETH: "NO," WHAT?
LUCKY: NO TO ANYTHING THAT
INVOLVES ME, THIS FLOOR,
A PICNIC, AND KATHERINE BELL,
OR ANY COMBINATION THEREFORE.
ELIZABETH: NO, I MEANT
DO YOU EVER LOOK AT NIKOLAS
AND WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE
TO BE WITH SOMEBODY OLDER,
MORE EXPERIENCED,
GORGEOUS?
LUCKY: WHAT, IS THIS -- ARE
YOU ASKING IF IT'S,
LIKE, ONE OF MY FANTASIES?
BETWEEN ME AND NIKOLAS,
I'M THE LUCKY DOG, NOT HIM,
TRUST ME.
I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I -- I CAN SEE WHAT MIGHT APPEAL
TO NIKOLAS ABOUT THE SITUATION,
YOU KNOW.
BUT KATHERINE --
KATHERINE ISN'T WHO HE'S GOING
TO END UP WITH.
AND WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN
FINDING THAT PERSON RIGHT OUT
OF THE GATE LIKE I DID?
ELIZABETH: WAIT.
DON'T MOVE.
HOLD YOUR HEAD RIGHT THERE.
ELIZABETH: I LOVE YOU.
JUSTUS: I'D THINK THE LAST
THING YOU WANT TO DO IS TICK OFF
YOUR NEW BOSS, LIEUTENANT.
TAGGERT: WELL, THEN YOU WOULD
BE WRONG.
SEE, THE LAST THING I WANT TO DO
IS WORK FOR A MOB MOUTHPIECE.
WHAT, YOU THINK I CAN'T FIGURE
OUT WHAT WENT DOWN?
CORINTHOS AND MORGAN WANT MORENO
TO HURT BECAUSE OF THAT
WAREHOUSE FIRE, BUT THEY HAVE
TO GIVE UP THIS LITTLE CHOIRBOY
THING BECAUSE OF THE CHILD
CUSTODY HEARING.
WHAT TO DO?
SCOPE OUT MORENO'S NEXT DRUG
HAUL, SLIP THE DETAILS
TO THE LAW BY MEANS OF A SLEAZY
BUT OUTWARDLY CREDIBLE GOFER.
ENTER MR. WARD.
WELL, YOU MAY HAVE SCRATCHED
THEIR BACK, BUT THEY DIDN'T DO
YOU ANY FAVORS.
JUSTUS: NO?
SO IF I'M ELECTED THE SLEAZY
BUT OUTWARDLY CREDIBLE D.A.,
DIDN'T MY EVIL SCHEME WORK?
TAGGERT: BUT ALONG THE WAY,
YOU MADE ENEMIES WITH
MR. MORENO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M NOT LOSING ANY SLEEP OVER
MY NEW BOSS.
LOOKS TO ME THE CHANCES
OF YOU LIVING OUT YOUR NEW TERM
ARE SLIM TO NONE.
TAGGERT: DON'T GO IN THERE.
UNLESS YOU WANT TO RUN
INTO MR. WARD.
MONICA: BOBBIE!
BOBBIE, I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!
YOU LET ME OUT THIS MINUTE
OR I'M NOT GOING TO BE
RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR NEW
MANAGER'S PERSONAL BELONGINGS!
ALAN: WHAT FIRE ESCAPE?
MONICA: WE'RE MISSING
THE OBVIOUS -- A PHONE.
ALAN: PHONE?
WELL, I ASSUME IT USED TO BE
HERE.
MY CELL PHONE.
MY CELL PHONE.
I'VE GOT IT.
THE BATTERY'S DEAD.
WHAT ABOUT YOURS?
MONICA: MINE'S AT THE OFFICE.
ALAN: I CHECKED THE STAIRS.
YOU KNOW THE DOOR TO THE BACK
STAIRS?
I ASSUME IT'S BEEN NAILED SHUT.
MONICA: WHO CALLED YOU?
I WANT TO KNOW WHO I'M GOING
TO DECAPITATE WHEN I GET OUT
OF HERE.
ALAN: TAMMY.
MONICA: SHE'S SICK
OF YOU, TOO?
ALAN: THIS ISN'T LIKE HER.
TONY.
TONY'S THE ONE WHO GOT ME HERE.
BUT WHO PUT THE IDEA
IN HIS DISEASED BRAIN?
MONICA: BOBBIE.
SHE'S THE ONE WHO CALLED ME.
ALAN: THEN OBVIOUSLY SHE'S
THE ONE WHO'S BEHIND THIS.
GEE, I WONDER WHY.
MONICA: IS THAT AN
ACCUSATION?
ALAN: OH, NO.
COULD IT POSSIBLY BE
BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN BENDING
HER EAR WITH THE HEARTRENDING
SAGA OF OUR WOEBEGONE MARRIAGE
ACCORDING TO YOU --
MY TREACHERY, MY FAILINGS,
MY INADEQUACIES?
MONICA: WHY SHOULDN'T
I CONFIDE IN HER?
SHE'S MY FRIEND.
IT'S NOT HALF AS HUMILIATING
AS KNOWING THAT YOU'RE WHINING
ABOUT BIG, BAD ME TO
YOUR STREETWALKING MISTRESS.
ALAN: TAMMY, FOR
THE 44th TIME, HAPPENS TO BE
THE ONLY FRIEND THAT I HAVE
LEFT, AND THAT'S YOUR FAULT.
IF YOU WEREN'T COMPELLED TO TELL
BOBBIE ABOUT OUR --
MONICA: OUR WHAT?
ALAN: PROBLEM.
MONICA: WHICH ONE?
OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES.
I'M NOT GOING TO SIT AROUND,
HAVE TEA, AND MERRILY CHAT ABOUT
WHAT WENT ON IN OUR BEDROOM --
OR, SHOULD I SAY, WHAT DIDN'T
GO ON.
ALAN: THEN WHY WOULD
YOU POSSIBLY ASSUME THAT
ANYTHING LIKE THAT WOULD BE
GOING ON THAT'S DIFFERENT
IN TAMMY'S ROOM?
MONICA: THE DAYS OF BURNING
THAT PARTICULAR CANDLE AT BOTH
ENDS ARE LONG GONE.
ALAN: YOU REFUSE TO ACCEPT
ANY OF THE RESPONSIBILITY.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THE ONLY
REASON THAT I WENT TO TAMMY WAS
TO GET FROM HER WHAT I COULDN'T
GET FROM YOU, WHICH IS A LITTLE
COMPASSION --
MONICA: IF YOU START
WITH "MY WIFE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND
ME" CRAP, I WILL SCREAM!
ALAN: YOU ARE ALREADY
SCREAMING.
MONICA: BECAUSE YOU'RE --
TAMMY: ARE THESE THE X-RATED
SOUNDS YOU MEANT?
TONY: NO.
BUT THEY SHOULD BE COMING UP ANY
SECOND NOW.
MONICA: I SAW THE TWO
OF YOU WITH MY OWN EYES!
ALAN: THAT'S IT!
I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!
WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS
THE FEELINGS KIDS HAVE
ABOUT THE BAD TASTE
OF SOME MEDICINES.
BUT NOW THERE'S SOMETHING NEW
FROM CHILDREN'S TYLENOL...
SOFT-CHEWS.
THEY TASTE SO GOOD
AND DISSOLVE SO FAST,
KIDS WON'T MIND TAKING
THIS MEDICINE.
WORDS CAN'T EXPRESS HOW GOOD
YOU'LL BOTH FEEL.
I FEEL BETTER, MOM.
WELL,
MAYBE A FEW WORDS CAN.
NEW SOFT-CHEWS
FROM CHILDREN'S TYLENOL,
THE FIRST CHOICE
OF PEDIATRICIANS.
HUNDREDS AND HUNDREDS
OF THOUSANDS OF SMOKERS
HAVE QUIT WITH NICODERM CQ.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT HELPS
CALM YOUR CRAVINGS,
WITH 3 STEPS
TO HELP BRING YOU
CLOSER TO YOUR GOAL.
AND WITH NICODERM CQ,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
TAKE SOME NEW DRUG,
OR WAIT TO GET
A PRESCRIPTION FROM THE DOCTOR.
AFTER ALL, YOU WANT
TO QUIT SMOKING,
NOT MAKE
AN APPOINTMENT
TO QUIT SMOKING.
NICODERM CQ.
THE POWER TO CALM.
THE POWER TO COMFORT.
THE POWER TO
HELP YOU QUIT.
WHERE YOU TAKE
ST. JOHN'S BAY CARGOS
IS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHERE
THEY TAKE YOU.
CARGO PANTS AND SHORTS
FROM ST. JOHN'S BAY.
POCKETS OF FREEDOM
IN YOUR STATE OF MIND.
ONLY AT JCPenney.
c
NED: ALAN AND MONICA MUST
HOLD THE RECORD FOR THE BIGGEST,
MESSIEST, MOST PUBLIC MARITAL
INFIDELITIES IN THE WORLD.
V: IS IT POSSIBLE THAT
YOU AND EMILY ARE MAKING
SPURIOUS ASSUMPTIONS BASED
ON PRIOR CONDUCT?
IT'S A COMMON PITFALL THAT
ROOKIES ARE WARNED AGAINST.
AN IMPERMISSIBLE BEHAVIOR MAY
HAVE OCCURRED IN STEALTH OR OUT
OF VIEW AT ONE TIME, BUT IT DOES
NOT MEAN THAT THAT SAME
IMPERMISSIBLE BEHAVIOR IS
OCCURRING IN STEALTH OR OUT
OF VIEW AT THE MOMENT.
NED: I THINK THAT'S WHAT
I TOLD EMILY.
BUT I'M NOT SURE SHE
BELIEVED IT.
I'M NOT SURE I BELIEVED IT.
V: YOU'RE A GOOD BROTHER.
NED: COUSIN.
V: RIGHT.
NED: THE CROWNING IRONY
OF MY LIFE -- I'M NOT EVEN ONE
OF THEM, NOT BY NAME.
AND WHEN THE ORDER GOES OUT,
WHICH SURELY SOMEDAY IT MUST,
TO BURN ALL QUARTERMAINES
AT THE STAKE,
I'LL BE AMONG THE ANGRY MOB
LIGHTING THE MATCHES.
V: NO.
YOU WILL BE LEADING THE CROWD
IN CAMPFIRE SONGS.
NED: V, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GET YOURSELF A BULLWHIP
SO YOU CAN CRACK IT WHENEVER I'M
GOOFING OFF.
V: OH, YOU WOULDN'T MIND?
LUCKY: IS IT FINISHED?
ELIZABETH: FOR TODAY.
LUCKY: HOW'D YOU DO?
ELIZABETH: I THINK I DID ALL
RIGHT.
LUCKY: WOW.
FOR YOU THAT'S LIKE DECLARING
YOURSELF A GENIUS.
ELIZABETH: WELL, IT'S SAFE
TO SAY I'M IN A GOOD MOOD.
LUCKY: SO WHEN DO WE GET
TO THE PART WHERE YOU LOOSEN ME
UP FOR MY HOURS OF POSING?
ELIZABETH: OH, RIGHT NOW.
JUST LET ME PUT SOME MUSIC ON.
LUCKY: OK.
ELIZABETH: OK, WE'RE GOING
TO START OUT EASY.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
LUCKY: OK.
ELIZABETH: LUCKY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THE FLOOR?
LUCKY: WHERE DO YOU WANT ME?
ELIZABETH: UM, ON YOUR FEET.
LUCKY: IT'S GOING TO BE
A STANDING BACK RUB?
ELIZABETH: WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE, A MASSEUSE?
READY?
COME ON.
COME ON.
SINGER: ü NO MATTER
HOW HARD I TRY ü
ELIZABETH: ONE AND TWO.
YOU DO IT.
COME ON.
COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.
LUCKY: GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.
TAGGERT: SORRY.
DARA: THANK YOU.
TAGGERT: ARE YOU?
DARA: WHAT, DISAPPOINTED?
OF COURSE.
TAGGERT: DID YOU -- DID
YOU WANT TO BE DISTRICT ATTORNEY
OR DID YOU JUST WANT TO GET
CLOSE ENOUGH TO SAY
YOU COULD'VE?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE
YOU STILL HAVE THIS FUTURE
WORKING RELATIONSHIP TO LOOK
FORWARD TO, SO IT WASN'T A TOTAL
LOSS, WAS IT?
DARA: YOU KNOW -- YOU KNOW
WHAT I HATE TO SEE?
TAGGERT: WHAT?
DARA: A PROUD, STRONG,
BEAUTIFUL MAN TURN INTO
A BITTER, ANGRY ONE.
TAGGERT: THEN DON'T WATCH.
GO ON.
MR. WARD'S WAITING FOR YOU.
DARA: I HEAR CONGRATULATIONS
ARE IN ORDER.
JUSTUS: OH.
PLEASE.
LOOK, I MEAN, IF A GUY'S WIFE
HAS A BABY, DO YOU
CONGRATULATE HIM?
DARA: YES.
JUSTUS: FOR WHAT?
I MEAN, HIS CONTRIBUTION WAS
MINOR AND IT HAPPENED
MONTHS AGO.
LOOK, IT'S LIKE IF A GUY WINS
THE LOTTERY, ARE YOU SUPPOSED
TO GIVE HIM CREDIT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I THINK
CONGRATULATIONS SHOULD BE
RESERVED FOR ANNIVERSARIES,
GRADUATIONS -- YOU KNOW,
SOMETHING SOMEBODY WORKED FOR.
THIS ELECTION WENT TO ME
BECAUSE THE RIGHT INFORMATION
FELL INTO MY LAP AT THE RIGHT
TIME.
DARA: WELL, THERE'S BEEN SOME
SPECULATION ABOUT THAT.
JUSTUS: I PLAN TO TAKE
THE OATH OF OFFICE AND HONOR IT.
UNLESS THAT'S SOMETHING
YOU THINK I'M NOT CAPABLE
OF ANYMORE.
DARA: I THINK YOU ARE.
JUSTUS: THANK YOU.
BUT CAN I ASK YOU THIS --
CAN YOU HELP MAKE ME CAPABLE
OF IT?
I MEAN, CAN YOU HELP KEEP ME
HONEST?
DARA: I'M NOT SURE ONE PERSON
CAN DO THAT FOR ANOTHER.
JUSTUS: THEN PROMISE
ME THIS --
IF I DON'T LIVE UP TO MY OATH,
IF I CAN'T KEEP MYSELF HONEST,
PROMISE ME THAT YOU'LL HOUND ME
OUT OF OFFICE AND INTO A PRISON
TERM IF NEED BE.
I'D RATHER HAVE IT FROM YOU THAN
FROM TAGGERT.
DARA: WELL, YOU'RE NOT ASKING
FOR TOO MUCH.
JUSTUS: RIGHT.
THERE'S JUST ONE MORE THING.
WILL YOU STAND WITH ME WHILE
I MAKE MY ACCEPTANCE SPEECH
TONIGHT?
WILL YOU TELL THE WORLD THAT
WE ARE A TEAM AND MEAN IT?
MONICA: I HAVE BEEN DOING
YOUR JOB AND MINE FOR HOW MANY
MONTHS NOW?
ALAN: OH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO, KISS YOUR FEET?
MONICA: YOU DON'T CALL THAT
UNDERSTANDING?
MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOU
SO YOU WOULDN'T GET IN TROUBLE
WITH THE REVIEW BOARD IN ALBANY?
ALAN: MONICA, WILL YOU PUT
A SOCK IN IT?
YOU COULDN'T WAIT TO GET
YOUR HANDS ON THE CHIEF
OF STAFF JOB.
YOU'VE BEEN JEALOUS
OF MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS FOR YEARS.
MONICA: WHEN I THINK
OF THE YEARS THAT I HAVE THROWN
AWAY ON YOU, I SHOULD'VE LEFT
YOU THE FIRST TIME YOU TRIED
TO KILL ME.
ALAN: I SHOULD'VE KILLED
YOU THE FIRST TIME I TRIED
TO KILL YOU.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT SICK,
NEEDY, NEUROTIC PART OF MY BRAIN
EVER THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE
THE BEST PART OF MY LIFE.
EVERYTHING THAT'S WRETCHED THAT
EVER HAPPENED TO ME WAS
BECAUSE OF YOU.
YOU MAKE FUN OF ME IN PUBLIC
WHENEVER THE MOOD STRIKES YOU,
YOU TURNED ME INTO A DRUG
ADDICT, YOU TURNED MY LOVING
CHILDREN AWAY FROM ME AND MY ONE
LOVING PARENT.
MONICA: YOU ARE MORE DETACHED
FROM REALITY OFF DRUGS THAN
YOU WERE ON THEM.
YOU ALIENATED YOURSELF BY BEING
A LOUSY FATHER AND A
NEGLECTFUL SON.
YOU ARE POMPOUS, YOU ARE VAIN,
YOU ARE SELF-CENTERED,
AND IF THERE'S A SHORTAGE
OF FRIENDS IN YOUR LIFE,
IT'S BECAUSE NOBODY CAN STAND
YOU, INCLUDING ME!
I WANT A DIVORCE!
ALAN: TOUGH!
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET ONE!
I'M DIVORCING YOU FIRST!
BOBBIE: I'M NOT HEARING
A PROGRESSION.
TONY: THEY'RE -- THEY'RE JUST
OUT OF PRACTICE, ACTUALLY.
TAMMY: WELL, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S NOT MUCH UP THERE
I REALLY CARE ABOUT LOSING.
EXCEPT FOR THIS PINK BUD VASE
MY GRANDMOTHER GAVE ME.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
BOBBIE: OOH.
LUKE: YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND
INTERESTING?
YOU AND I HAVE LIVED IN THE SAME
TOWN, ON AND OFF, FOR A LONG
TIME, BUT THERE'S A LOT I DON'T
KNOW ABOUT YOU.
FELICIA: WELL, PEOPLE TAKE
ONE LOOK AT ME AND THEY THINK
THAT THEY KNOW ME INSIDE
AND OUT.
BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY REALLY
DON'T.
LUKE: YOU KNOW, I'LL BET
THAT'S TRUE.
FELICIA: MM-HMM.
LUKE: WHAT'S THE MATTER?
FELICIA: HMM?
LUKE: HEY, I'M JUST TRYING
TO HAVE A CONVERSATION HERE.
I'M NOT TRYING TO GET UNRULY.
FELICIA: NO, NO, NO.
IT'S NOT YOU.
IT'S THE CIGAR.
LUKE: MY CIGAR?
REALLY?
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT THIS
COMES A SPECIAL BLEND
FROM THE FINEST TOBACCONIST
IN EUROPE.
FELICIA: YOU GO ALL THE WAY
TO EUROPE FOR CIGARS?
LUKE: YEAH.
CUBA'S CLOSED.
I WAS THERE RECENTLY AND I RAN
INTO A GENTLEMAN -- VERY REFINED
TASTES -- AND HE DIRECTED ME
TO THIS TOBACCONIST.
I THOUGHT IT WAS KIND OF NICE,
BUT IF IT BOTHERS YOU, I DON'T
MIND PUTTING IT OUT.
FELICIA: OH.
WELL, I GUESS IT REMINDS ME
OF SOMETHING.
SOMETHING I MUST NOT WANT TO BE
REMINDED OF.
>> STAY TUNED FOR SCENES FROM
THE NEXT "GENERAL HOSPITAL."
BABY, DO YOU LOVE ME ?
OF COURSE, I DO.
WHAT DO YOU LOVE MOST ABOUT ME ?
WELL, MICHELOB, I LOVE YOU MORE
THAN LIFE ITSELF.
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME ?
I CALLED YOU TERESA.
NO, YOU DID NOT !
YOU JUST CALLED ME MICHELOB.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
- WHAT ?
WHILE YOU'RE UP,
COULD YOU GET ME A MICHELOB ?
- [ Announcer ]
THERE'S ORDINARY BEER.
- [ Whimpers ]
THEN THERE'S THE SMOOTH TASTE
OF MICHELOB.
IT'S A SPRING BLOWOUT
AT SEARS.
TAKE 20% OFF FASHION
FOR YOU AND YOUR HOME,
EVEN ON TOP OF SALE PRICES.
TAKE 10% OFF APPLIANCES
AND MORE, AND THAT'S
ON TOP OF SALE PRICES TOO.
SALE ENDS SATURDAY.
ONCE IT BLOWS THROUGH,
IT'S GONE.
WHEN I TAKE
A LIQUID ANTACID,
I FEEL LIKE... EECHH.
IT'S LIKE LIQUID CHALK.
I'M NOT CRAZY
ABOUT ANY OF THEM.
IF YOU HAD SOMETHING
THAT TASTES BETTER,
I MEAN, IT WOULD BE A JOY.
INTRODUCING NEW
FAST ACTING MYLANTA SUPREME.
- WHAT MAKES IT SUPREME ?
- WOW !
THAT'S GOOD.
I'M NOT KIDDING.
-IT'S VERY LIGHT.
-YEAH, IT TASTES LIKE A DESSERT.
IT'S THE ONLY LIQUID ANTACID
WITH NO CHEMICAL PRESERVATIVES.
IT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE
MEDICINE, I'LL TELL YOU--
NO.
IT'S ACTUALLY HELPING
MY INDIGESTION NOW.
COULD I HAVE SOME MORE ?
[ Woman ]
THE VESSEL IS
HEAVILY ENCRUSTED.
[ Man ]
IT'LL TAKE FOREVER TO SALVAGE.
- NOT ANYMORE.
- [ Announcer ]
NEW DAWN POWER PLUS.
IT WORKS BEST
ON THE WORST GREASE,
AND MAKES SCRUBBING
STUCK-ON FOODS NEARLY OBSOLETE.
NEW DAWN POWER PLUS.
THERE'S NO FISH HERE.
LET'S JUST HAVE
LUNCH.
YEAH.
HEY, IS THAT SKIPPY?
SURE.
YOU GOT AN EXTRA ONE?
HEY, IS THAT SKIPPY?
SKIPPY, FOLKS.
RIGHT OVER THERE.
SKIPPY BRINGS OUT
THE PEANUT BUTTER LOVER
IN EVERYONE.
BOBBIE: ARE YOU REALLY READY
TO CALL IT QUITS?
LUKE: MY WIFE'S DATING.
CARLY: IT'S VERY FLATTERING
THAT YOU'RE ON MY SIDE.
EDWARD: YOU WILL SOON HAVE
EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER WANTED.
ALEXIS: I NEED TO SPEAK
WITH YOU.
LAURA: I'M BUSY.
ALEXIS: IT'S ABOUT NIKOLAS.

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