First aired October 30th, 2009

Provided and Proofread by Suzanne

This needs extensive proofreading...

Previously on "Smallville"...  

good morning, metropolis. I'm your host, lois lane. And I'm your cohost, clark kent. And we're here to help make the start of your day... ...just a little bit brighter, right, clark? Right, a little less brighter. Could we start over? No problem. Just, uh, let me know when you're ready. Great.

[ Clears throat look, I preciate you helping me audition. I'm still angry you didn't tell me how badly oliver was doing, but you're here anyway, so please don't make me wish you weren'T. It's okay, lois. You don't need to get all worked up like you usually do. Well, excuse me, mr. "I'm slow and steady and know what's best for everyone." This happens to be important to me. With newspapers on the endangered-species list, news television is my one and oy backlan. Don't you think you can be a little less dramatic with this whole thing? Oh, you could be a little more passionate with this whole thing, but not you -- not mild-mannered clark kent. Do you even care if I get this job? Of course I care. I bought a new tie. Oh. Well, I bought a whole new outfit. Yeah, you look great. Don't do that. Do what? Don't you dare reassure me right now. Lois... I'm only doing this for you. How else am I gonna get that second date? Well, you should have thought about that before you stood me up the first time. Thanks, guys. That'll do. Oh, I'm -- I'm sorry, we weren't -- uh, really, one more time would be great. That's it for today. What do you say you come in bright and early monday morning and give it another whirl? You got the job. Congratulations. <

[ Chuckles ] How do iet mysel into these things? So, what's your first story? Online dating. They want us to tape ourselves on dates, send them to the internet, and then coffee-talk about them on the show. Wow. Tackling morning television e to get back into lois' good graces. You know, this has got to be one of your bravest moves yet. Well, look, much as I care about lois, there's nothing more important than finding the kandorians. Clark, you've been galloping around the globe, tracking down every kryptonian crop circle we've found. And every time, the kandorn who came with it was long gone. Ki that dsn't mean I'm gonna stop looking. I think it's time to sta looking a little closer to home. Tess has been reinforcing her firewalls, and she's cut the feed to all her security cameras. Now, given her attraction to all things alien -- you think she's building her own area 51. Let me use watchtower to take a sneak peek at her files. All right. I'll see what I can find on my end. Clark, you've done everything you can. You chose to come back to your daily planet double life as a cover. That's what you need to focus on. Just for today, leave the kandorians to me. What are these? Release forms from kzxp. They want us to fill them out before we go on our dates. I have to get a date before I can go on one, clark. I'm still filling out my online profile. If you want these mainframe matchmaks to pick you a wi,

o you really he to be careful to choose just the right words. I filled mine out in 10 minutes this morning.

[ Chuckles ] Guarantee that's the only 10 you're getting out of it. Well, let's see what you wrote. All right. Under "likes," you havehe theater. You mean movie theater. Details. Favorite drinks -- you have "bubbly." Yeah, if it comes in a sixk. Well, I do like a six-pack. Lois, there's nothing on here about monster trucks. You love monster-truck rallies. This is morning television, clark. Monster trucks are not gonna guarantee me a guy who will impress the home viewers. Look, there are a lot of good things about you that would attract a lot of great guys.

[ Sighs ] Allyke what? Uh... well, you'reois. Thanks, clark. But I already filled out my name. Good luck on your date. I'm sure you'll sweep her off her feet.

[ Keys clacking ]

[ Crowd cheeri that's right.

[ Crowd cheering ] Yeah! All right! Why you got to keep making me hunt you down, mia? Besides, how are you supposed to pay me back if you keep running away? Rick -- now, come on. Besides, we wouldn't want anything to happen to that pretty little face of yours. That's yr money-maker, baby. Engine revving ] Nice wheels. Nice leather. Still, nothing compares to aston martin's original v8 vantage. You know your cars.

[ Engine revving ] Whoo! Whoa. Uh, why don't you take it easy, there, speedy? I'm trying to stay away from life in the fast lane. So, why are you cruising for company? Well, I'm not cruising for company, actually. I was looking for you. I've seen you fight. You got speed, strength. You're talented. Why do you care? I'm just, uh, somebody trying to help you fix your life. That last guy was twice your size, kept on beating you down, and you just kept coming back after him. I don't bruise that easily. Well, maybe not on the outside. I know what I'm talking about, mia, because I used to fight for the same reasons that you do. It never mattered who was standing across from me, because the real battle was with myself. I can train you... to teach you how to overcome your fear, all that hate in your heart, and get you off the stre tsk. Oh. My hero. So, what's this lp gonna cost me...hero? Just a little time -- time enough for me to prove to you that you can trust me.

[ Engine revving ]

[ Look, I can handle any hacker, okay, but I think that you should know someone's trying to get through to us right now, and I think they're pretty good, so -- then be tter. Ow fix the situation, stuart, or I'll have you terminated. Okay. By terminated, though, you mean fired, right? Right? Oh. Thank you all for coming today. For years, I've tried to steer luthorcorp towards more environmentally conscious projects. I just had to prove that going green also meant going up on the stock exchange... at because thanks to the cutting-edge technology we've acquired through our new partnership th R.A inc., I believe this project will put luthorcorp on top, metropolis on the map, and our planet back on course. I give you the world's first completely self-sustaining solar tower. This one tower will generate enough clean energy to power all of metropolis.

[ Applause ] Bravo, tess. Congratulations on an exceptionally well-realized effort. Mr. Zod. I never expected to see you here. Oh, interesting, seeing as I am now chairman and C.E.R of R.A.O.

[ Applause ] Please, please, please. Hold your applause and save it for the real hero -- our stunning hostess, tess mercer. And by taking on this project, she is making my simple dream of harnessing the powers of the sun a reality. Ar so here's to tess mercer... our savior. I swear to you all this tower will change the world.

[ Footsteps approa okay, clark, sound-check time.

[ Clearshroat ] Just say, "one, two, three." One, two, three? Put it in your ear first, big guy. Oh. Just tap it once to turn it on.

[ Beep ] One,, th lois: Wow, smallville, talk about green. It's like your first day at the daily planet all over again. Ma does this mean I'm about to hear lois lane's rules of online dating? There really is only one rule when it comes to dating, clark -- show up. Like after you ask someone to aonster-truck rally,

sit's a good idea to sw up to e date. Maybe we should talk about this when we're not being taped. Okay, clark. Let's talk about something else -- like your online-dating profile. But that was supposed to be private. Well, I'll give you this. You definitely were honest. But admitting that you grew up on a farm is either going to get you a date with a country mouse or a cougar looking for her next meal. Woman: Hi, clark. Uh, I'm catherine. Or not. Hello, catherine. Hi. Uh, h-h-have a seat. Okay.

[ Sighs ] Uh, I've -I've seen these blind-date shows uh on television before, but I never actually thought I would go on one.

[ Chuckles nusly ]This isn't live, I? , They're taping it to air at some other time. If you can't take the heat, sister, get out of the café.

[ Chuckles ] Sorry. I have this, uh, really annoying ringing in my ear. Catherine: Oh, I understand. I'm nervous, too. I-I can barely hear anything over my own heartbeat. Oh, please! R just try to treat this like any other date. That's the problem. I'm kind of busy, so I don't gon datuch. Well, whats it that keeps you so busy? Well, until recently, I was overseas... it skiingn switzerland, modeling in milan. ...Where I was working in the peace corps. But then I decided tcome to metropolis to take my phd. I couldn't decide between sociology or social justice, so I'm doing both. Is she for real? Congratulations, clark. You're dating mother teresa in 6-inch heels. You're welcome. I didn't thank you. Well, you should, because while your teams were out scouring the globe, failing to find us, I was using our considerably evolved intelligence to make luthorcorp the most technologically advanced company on earth. And the question is what do you want in return? Someone who betrayed us -- the one you call the blur. I'm flattered you think, of all the people on this planet, that I'd know how to find the blur, but -- ohh, you disapint me, tess. But I'll play your game. The blur's blood was used as an antidote to a virus th swept through metropolis weeks ago. We were able to get a sample of thatlood. We took it to the lab to be tested. Instead, every last drop had been destroyed... ...at your request. What are you talking about? Since you chose to destroy the blur's blood samples, re I'm guessing you're trying to protect him, maybe for some altruistic reasons, or maybe you want to use him as a bargaing ip mayb ga I helped free your people from that orb because I'd hoped you'd save humanity from itself. But the only way I can make sure that happens is if we're equal partners. No human will ever stand on equal footing with a kandorian.

S make her tell you where this blur is. Or kill her. Yes, major. Ollie, I need your help. It's not a good time, lois. You know how clark and I have this side job hosting "good morning metropolis"? Uh... clark kent's hosting morning television? I can't wait to watch him show me how to bake a cake. Well, our first report does have some heat, but it's not about baking. They set us both up on blintes.

[ Chuckles ] Clark's on a blind date? Bl talk about footageof a train wreck. Well, you might want to save the space on your dvr, because here's the kicker. He did great. You want to be bter. That's why I'm here. I need you to tell me my red flags. Red flags? You know, anything about me that annoyed you while we were together. I bought a killer dress. I reserved the entire ace of clubs. But ifon't iify my deal-breakers, they're gonna cancel this date before it even gets to air. Well, call it selective memory or short attention span, but I only remember the good things... like how you used to brush your hair back when you were nervous or you used to call out football plays in your sleep. Thanks for the workout, ollie, but time's up. Do you think you could pay me in smaller bills? Nice towel, honey. Where will she put the money? Um, see -- see the thing is, we -- we were st spag. Don't worry, ollie. I'm not here to judge. I just kind of hoped you'd spend more than one week clean before ywo got back in the gutter. Uh -- sorry I interrupted your...sparring. Uh, it'S...

[ Chuckles nervoly ] Lois!

[ Beep

[ Sighs ] Finally.

[ Beeping another firewall? R

[ Beeping ] That's right, my hapless hacker. You have been served.

[ Beep ] What? Already? Damn. You are fast. Re okay. I see your anonymous proxy filter with your reinforced protocol encryption, and I raise you one rewritten A.C.L. Denied.

[ Beeping ] Okay. Now you made me angry.

[ Joints crack ]

[ Keys clacking ] I thought you said no strings attached. I'm not trying to sleep with you, kid, but if you think a pebble in your shoe is painful, wait till you feel what a $50,000 watch will do. Thank you. Why don't you look around? Why would you want to go back out on the streets? K you don't get it. If I can finish paying offntwhat I owe rick, I'm done. I'm free.

O well, how much do you owe rick? I'll cover it. And then I'd owe you. I don't think so. I'm not that kind of guy.

I don't tell me about types, okay? I know them all -- rick's type, your type, political types, twisted types -- he and I'm sick of all of you. Well, I'm not gonna trap you here, mia. I would just like to see you do something with your life that you can actually be proud of. Fe why would you help someone like me? Because I know what it feels like to be sck in a place that you feel there's escape from. And my friends... helped me find thway out.

[ Sighs ] If I stay... it's gonna cost you. Way ahead of you. I went ahead and had my staff buy you some clothes. I'm sure you'll find something in there that you like. Oh, and, hey, I hope you dress as fast as you drive, 'cause I'm gonna need you to drop meff somewhere.

[ Sighs ] You got anything stronger? Of course. Clark: The last thing you need is a drink, lois. Thanks, clark. You sound like my mother on prom night.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ] How do I look? If this were a prom, you'd [ Crowned queen. Your date's a lucky man. Do I detect a noteurf jealousy from the notoriously nice clark kent? Careful my date doesn't hear you. He might just have to take you down.

[ Scoffs ] I'd like to see him try. You know what they say -- all's fair in love and war. And what's it gonna be alus, lois -- love or war? Clark, it sounds like you're asking me out on another date. If I was, would you say yes? I'll tell you what I'd say. Oliver?

[ Chuckles ] What a you d here? Oliver: Well, you wanted this television tryst to make an impression, right, lois? My blind date... is with you? Well, technically, your blind date's leaving in the elevator. I paid him to go seek his 15 minutes of fame te somewhere else.

[ Chuckles ] You tell smiley he shows up light one more time, he's gonna go home in a box. You understand me?

[ Sighs ] I wasn't sure you'show up, princess. This should finish paying off what I owe you. It belongs to oliver queen. He's probably got 20 of these things. The guy's richer than the luthors. A fe betays he's got a safe stuffed with cash someplace... which is why I want you to show us where you dropped him off tonight. Rick -- did you honestly think I would let you go? Hmm? Mia, honey, you're my top earner, baby. Ly so you remember -- if you run, I will find you. If you move to another city, my friends will hunt you down. No second chances. Okay?

[ Chuckles ] Wow. Uh, I always kind of took you for a beer girl. Lois: No, no -- of g um, only the finer things in life for lois lane. Oh, yes, right. Of course. Then a toast. Ye

[ Chuckles ]Let's ahh. Oliver, it's bad enough that I catch you dragging yourself through the mud again, but now you're bound and determined to ruin my date. Okay, that meeting that you walked in on -- t ed that was someone I was actually helping.

[ Chuckles ] Ll, you obviously he herout of her clothes. Very funny. And I'm not here to sabotage you. I just thought your dience might want a date with metropolis' most eligible billionaire bachelor. That'd be me. I guess it wouldn't hurt the ratings. Okay. You got 10 minutes to explain yourself. WellI'm only gonna need one, t because there's really only one reason why I came here. I never finished saying what it is that I loved about you.

[ Chuckles ] Oh. Okay.

[ Clears throat ] Lois, what's going on? I don't know. Let me just skip to the end. The thing I love about you the most... is that you're still in my life... ...because you're still in my heart.

[ Sighs ]

[ Gasps ] Check, please. Ga lois? Lois?

[ Beep ] Sorry, clark. Couldn't this heart-to-heart have waited until the cameras were off? No. I'm not hiding my feelings anymore, lois. And I kind of figured by saying all that stuff with the cameras on, I could prove that to you. I had no idea you st l had such strong feelings. You know I went to a really dark place, lois. And I think it took going there and coming back to realize... you're the best part of my life. I love you, oliver... ...as a dear friend... ...which is why I have to beartotally honest with you. Clark. Yes.

[ Clears throat ] Well, I'm happy you know what you want. I guess it just hurts knowing it's not me. I am so sorry.

[ Sniffles, clears throat ] Good night, lois.

[ Sighs ]

[ Horn honks ] Lois: Oliver. Hi. Hey. I said I was your friend, and I meant it. I am not going to let you wander down any more dark alleys. Thank you. But you don't have to worry about me, lois. I'm all about embracing lifeu right now. I'm not trying to end it. Good. You know what I mean? Trying to take the right kind of chances. And you, my friend, were definitely a chance worth taking. Thank you.

[ Sighs ] Is towel girl your driver now? Maybe your plan "b"? Very funny. Uh, her name is mia. And come on. I'll introduce yo for real this time. Mia. Hey, mia. He I'm sorry. Oliver! Ah-ah-ah. What's your hurry?

Oh, hey. Great work today. Have you seen the new marketing ad? I have high hopes for you, too.

T so did I. Mia: You said you wouldn't hurt him. Back in the car, mia. Tell me you didn't pick prince charming here over oliver. Shut up and get in your carriage, cinderella. Get off of me!

[ Beep ] Pretty boy's worth billions, but you're not worth the headache. Aah! Ugh. I can't let you do this.

[ Chuckles ] Check this out. Streetwalker thinks she's a street fighter. What are you gonna do, mia? Stay where you are. You gonna gun me down, huh? You don't have it in you. You're no hero.

[ Gunshot ] Go! Go!

[ Machine-gun fire ] Come on! Let's go! Oliver! Ah. Lois.

[ Air whooshes ] Ugh. Oliver! It's okay. It's okay.

O

[ Groans ] You will respect me. Leave me alone. I'm afraid I can't do that. Excuse me? I had to wait until we were locked down for the night so we won't be interrupted. You're kandorian. And I have a message from major zod. Tell me where the blur is... or you die.

[ Keys clacking ] Chloe, did you find a le on the kandorian? I've run every play in my playbook to try and access tess' files, but she's got one hell of a defensive line. The good news... is that I've only counted 100 firewallsi so I think I'm actually about tore.

T

greetings, esteemable foe,

whoever you are.

Now, I'm gueing

since you've made it this far,

you probably haven't slept,

and your fingers are

getting really cramped up,

so I thought I would avtake it upon myself

to do you g favo

and just say givup.

I can do this

all a y and all night.

I'm sure you already get

the picture,

so...talk to the hand. Hello, hand.

[ Beeping ] Stuart campbell, graduate of M.I.T., Talk to these hands. Nice work, chloe. So, it looks like stuart campbell is tess' tech boy wonder, and he has done some pretty heavyweight hacking of his own -- government databases, corporations. Wow. We could do a lot with this kind of leverage... maybe even get him to join us. S uh, it'll be an even match. Clark, this y is so good, evertime I'd get close, he'd show up and block me. I know the feeling. Lois and oliver. . Seeing him with her -- it's been a long time since he looked that happy. Clark, just stop, okay? I mean, your willingness to sacrifice yourself for others is a great strength, for sure, but when it comes to your own happiness, it's dinitely a weakness. But oliver's been through a lot lately, and we're all frieS. Lois is not up for auction. Look, for once, try not to second-guess things. All you have to do is ask yourself not what do you want? Rs

[ Tires screech, engines ] Lois. Did you hear? The brilliant brass over at kzxp have decided to go with someone else for their morning show. Lois. After everything that happened, after ollie and i almost got killed, guess who they've decided to go with. Apparently blondes test better with morning viewers. Lois. I'm sorry. I never should have tried out in the first place or dra you there with me, and I just -- in

Main photo from http://cwtv.com

Back to Smallville Transcripts Page

Back to the Main Smallville Page