Dr. Gruel: So far, my toys have provided a breakthrough: identifying the crystal's origin.

Tess: Prove to me I wasn't wrong spending weeks to lure one of Lex's top scientists out of hiding.

Dr. Gruel: After an exhaustive battery of tests, we discovered that the crystal's composition doesn't match any element on this planet. It appears to be some kind of computer hard drive. We believe it may be alien.

Tess: You can't be serious.

Dr. Gruel: I know that's hard to accept, but that's what the facts support.

Tess: No, the facts are, Lex disappeared in an arctic wasteland here on earth. He's not lost in space. This crystal is the only clue that we have, so stick to science, not science fiction, and find me Lex Luthor.

Dr. Gruel: Preliminary findings suggest that the crystal responds at a molecular level to sonic vibrations. If you allow me to proceed, this frequency generator may be the key to telling you what you want to know.

Tess: For your sake, I hope it is.

[ Machine whirring ]

Tess: What just happened?

Man: Look, Matt. I know the stock is crap. But it's pump-and-dump time, my man. So hype it, sell it, and make me a profit, or you're dead to me.

[ Electricity buzzing ]

Man: Hello? Hello?

Maxima: I came when I saw your Kryptonian beacon.

Man: Yeah. Whatever you say.

Maxima: I'm Maxima, Queen of Almerac.

[ Breathes heavily ]

Maxima: I've been searching for you.

Man: Well, here I am, baby.

Man: [ Breathes heavily ] Whoa. Wow, what a rush. What'd you give me?

Maxima: A taste of things to come.

[ Both breathing heavily ]

[ Gasping ]

Maxima: You lied to me. You're not Kryptonian.

Man: What's happening?!

Maxima: You're dying because you're not the one I came for.

[ Chokes ]

Maxima: But I will find him.

[ Shelby whimpering ]

Clark: Ready for some breakfast, boy? You know, I still can't get used to it just being you and me around here.

[ Whimpers ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

Clark: Hello?

Lois: I need you, Smallville -- I just got to The Planet, and I'm already having the workday from Hell. What's your E.T.A.?

Clark: I'm flying into the building right now. I'll be there in a second.

[ Air whooshes ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Air whooshes ]

Clark: Here you go. Go ahead. Come on.

[ Air whooshes ]

Lois: Hey, I thought you said you were coming in for a landing. What happened to you -- run into some turbulence?

Clark: According to the clock, I'm still two minutes early. Now, what's the hurry?

Lois: Well, I need you to take on some of my workload. This is my second quart of java, and I'm still not firing on all eight cylinders.

Clark: Rough night of sleep last night?

Lois: More like no night of sleep. Jimmy moved in so he and Chloe can save their wedding pennies, but the groom snores like a freight train. I am so jealous of you in that Kent farmhouse all by yourself. So many empty rooms, huh?

Clark: It is pretty quiet.

Lois: [ Chuckles ] You are about as predictable as mullets in NASCAR. One little mention of you living alone, and you start singing the "missing Lana" blues. You know, I hate to be the one to dish out a helping of tough love here, Clark, but Lana is gone for good. Time to get back in the saddle, buckaroo. But this go-round, you need to look outside your wheelhouse.

Clark: I didn't know I had a wheelhouse.

Lois: Of course you do -- pretty, friendly, damsel-in-distressy. You need to try another scoop of the 31 flavors, maybe a little less sweet vanilla and a lot more wild cherry.

Clark: Let's get back to the work...please.

Lois: Good idea. Bury your heartache in your job. Here, start with this.

Clark: [ Sighs ] Baby-face broker dies of ticker trouble. How does a healthy 25-year-old suddenly die of a heart attack?

Lois:  don't have time to handhold, but the coroner's report said the endorphin and adrenaline levels in his blood were sky-high. You know -- endorphins? They're hormones that are released when the body performs a certain activity.

Clark: Like when you play a sport.

Lois: Or there's another kind of activity two people share -- repetitive motion, builds to a climax.

Clark: Thank you.

Lois: [ Laughs ]

Clark: [ Sighs ] The police say they found the victim fully clothed.

Lois: What, he didn't even get past first base?

Clark: And the M.E. says the hormone levels weren't only through the roof, they're higher than any normal human body can produce.

Chloe: You know, unpacking your fiancé really should be a wedding requirement course. I had no idea you had such a propensity for recording bass-fishing shows and reading Pablo Neruda love poems... and that you've collected every CD ever made by ABBA.

Jimmy: I'm complicated.

Chloe: Who knew there were so many sides to Jimmy Olsen?

Jimmy: Why? Do you have a problem with that?

Chloe: Not at all.  I love a man of mystery. But I would keep the ABBA away from Lois. She's a Whitesnake girl, and I don't think she'd understand this side of you.

Jimmy: Well, I don't think that Lois likes any side of me these days. She's still mad 'cause I didn't tell her the truth about Lex Luthor's arctic antics.

Chloe: Yeah, Lois wins medals for holding a grudge. Don't worry. Just a couple of weeks of walking around on eggshells, and it'll all be over.

Jimmy: [ Chuckles ] Great.

Chloe: [ Sighs lightly ] I guess we sort of skated over the conversation about boundaries.

Jimmy: Looks like I stumbled into the razor wire surrounding the Clark issue again. I knew that he was your first love. I just...never knew that you felt like this.

Chloe: It's ancient history. I wrote that when I was 15. I've told you before -- Clark is my best friend, and that's all.

Jimmy: "I'm the girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend." You realize I'm living my biggest nightmare right now.

Chloe: Jimmy, it was a schoolgirl crush. And to be perfectly honest, this constant insecurity about Clark is really starting to wear thin.

Jimmy: Every time I try and leave it in the past, it just keeps making its way into the present.

Chloe: I -- [ Chuckles ] I don't know what else I can do.

Jimmy: Why don't you start by asking yourself... why you never said these things to me?

Woman: This arrived this morning.

Tess: Hmm. "Meet me at the Ace of Clubs." Oliver sure hasn't lost his flair for the dramatic.

Woman:  You'll have him eating out of your hand.

Tess: Thank him for the dress, but send my regrets.  Well. Talk about being fashion-forward, but I'm afraid you've crashed the wrong disco. Whoever you are, I think it's time that you leave.

[ Air whooshes ]

Maxima: Where's the owner of the crystal?

[ Telephone clatters ]

Tess: Crystal? I'm sorry.  That doesn't ring a bell. But maybe if you told me about the owner, I could help you.

Maxima: He's Kryptonian.  And my perfect mate. You know, I thought there'd be more of them on this planet, but every single man I've come across has been human.

Tess: Hmm. Maybe if we work together... I could help you find this...Kryptonian.

Maxima: Find him?

Tess: [ Gasps ]

Maxima: I know the beacon came from here.  [ Chuckles ] Is it the man who sent you this?

Tess: [ Choking ]

Maxima: You're trying to keep him for yourself, aren't you? Well, I've traveled too far to let you stand in my way.

[ Air whooshes ]

[ Air whooshes ]

Lois: Thanks.

Clark: Lois, I thought you said you didn't have time to work on this article.

Lois: That's when it was gonna end up buried on the last page, but with the super-endorphin angle, the scoop is a lot bigger. Now, you just learned to dog-paddle your way through a story. What kind of friend would I be if I threw you in the deep end without a floatie?

Clark: What did the police officer say?

Lois: They found evidence of a fire in the alley, but they suspect it's unrelated.

Clark: So, in other words, there was no reason for us to come down here.

Lois: Common rookie mistake. See, that's why you're lucky I came along. The scorch marks are probably from a homeless hoedown. If we talk to a few local transients, maybe somebody saw something. Well, this story just made it above the fold. Cops say a string of hormone-jacked stiffs turned up between Metropolis and Smallville -- all males. Ask me -- I think we have a meteor freak on a rampage.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Jimmy: They make it look so easy.

Bartender: Women are a complicated species, dude. You have to embrace a little survival of the fittest. Make her realize she's not the only fox in the forest.

Jimmy: You are so right.

Maxima: I see you're the only one in here that's all alone. I think you're the man that I've been looking for. 

[ Chuckles ]

[ Door opens ]

Chloe: Hey. Am I glad to see you. Now that Lois is riding shotgun in your Mystery Machine, your old sidekick's jonesing for a Scooby clue. Let me see that concrete crop circle.

Clark: I know it's not Kryptonian.

Chloe: This is a hypogeous marker. It's the royal crest from the planet called Almerac. This belongs to their queen.

Clark: A planet called Almerac? Chloe, I didn't realize that your Brainiac download had included some sort of intergalactic encyclopedia.

Chloe: Were there fresh burn marks in the area?

Clark: Yeah.

Chloe: Then she must have teleported in recently. They use a Ucrillian bracelet that acts as a hyperdrive, compressing the fabrics of time and space. You said the chemicals in her victims were elevated?

Clark: Endorphins and adrenaline. All the men died the same way.

Chloe: She's searching for a mate. Those chemicals must be released into her victims once she locks lips with them. She's won the battle of the sexes on her planet, and now she's looking for a new contender. If she can find someone to survive her killer kiss, then she can live happily ever after. The only problem is that humans can't take the hormone surge. They all flatline. Certainly narrows down her choices. If there are numerous deaths, then maybe I can find a pattern so you can stop this kissing bandit.

Clark: Chloe, do you remember when you said we'd talk about your condition? You know, if things got worse?

Chloe: [ Chuckles ] Clark, I've analyzed every possible scenario, and, as much as it scares me, you can't wave your Kryptonian wand and save me on this one.

Clark: I'll find a way.

Chloe: Clark, it's just how it is. There's nothing you can do, so just let it go.

[ Beep ]

Chloe: Here we go. According to the police wire, it looks like she's struck again. They just found a German businessman outside the Ace of Clubs. Clark, I'm not the only one in the world who needs your help. You have to go.

Jimmy: Those were some dance moves you were doing in there. Get you arrested in most states.

Maxima: Wait until you see some of the moves I'll show you now that we're alone.

Jimmy: [ Inhales sharply ] I'm sorry. Look... you are really, really pretty and...
[ Chuckles ] Hot. But I wasn't honest with you before. I'm in love with another woman.

Maxima: I promise. Just one kiss, and you will see that I was meant for you.

Jimmy: [ Breathes heavily ] [ Sighs ]

Maxima: [ Sighs ]

Jimmy: [ Laughing ] That's embarrassing. [ Gasping ] Help me.

Maxima: I'm really sorry. You --you were so sweet. I really hoped you were the one.

Jimmy: [ Gasping ]

[ Bell dings ]

[ Air whooshes ]

Clark: Jimmy, what's wrong?

Jimmy: It's my heart.

[ Gasping ]

[ Air whooshes ]

Maxima: Now, that's more like it.

Tess: Good evening, Miss Sullivan. I am sorry for the cloak-and-dagger routine, but I didn't have time to schedule this little meet and greet. My name is --

Chloe: You can save the introduction.  I know who you are. And I don't care to talk with anyone connected to Lex Luthor.

Tess: It's no secret that you and Lex have your differences, but...I'm sure that you are far too fair a person to fault me for his mistakes.

Chloe: [ Scoffs ]

Tess: Because I - I really need your help. I know that you've cracked into some of the most complex and protected computer systems in the world, and I'd like to hire you to do the same for me.

Chloe: I guess Lex's lackeys didn't tell you that he actually dropped the dime on me for being a techno-wiz. I was locked up.  It wasn't pretty.

Tess: Well, no laws will be broken. You'll be trying to hack a very unique supercomputer.

Chloe: Sorry.  My plate's full.

Tess: Yeah, I'm sure planning a wedding and starting up the Isis Foundation have you pretty busy.

Chloe: How did you know all that?

Tess: I have access to all of Lex's records. And I know everything about you, Chloe. Which is why I know you're the only person that can help me. So I'm hoping you'll reconsider?

Chloe: You learned well from Lex. When you don't get your way, you just...threaten. This isn't my first tour of duty on the Luthor battlefield. So you're gonna have to come at me with a lot more firepower.

[ Monitor beeping ]

Jimmy: [ Groans ] Oh, it feels like my chest was run over by a Mack truck and the rest of me was dragged behind it.

Clark: You got to the hospital just in time. The doctors say your vitals have stabilized, so you're gonna be okay. I need to know what happened at the Ace of Clubs, Jimmy.

Jimmy: [ Chuckling ] Yeah, it must been all those tequila shots.

Clark: [ Sighs ] I know that you were with a woman, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Th-that wasn't my fault, C.K. I-I mean, the drinking part was, but.
[ Sighs ] It all started with that letter.

Clark: What are you talking about?

Jimmy: I found an old love letter that Chloe wrote. And I realized... ...a person never really gets over their first true love. I mean...[Sighs] You believe you're gonna spend the rest of your life with someone, that they're the one. And when you got to start over again with someone new... is it ever the same?

Clark: [ Sighs ] Everyone has to move on, Jimmy. Chloe must have, because she found you. You don't know how lucky you are to have each other.

Jimmy: [ Sighs ] I kissed another woman, C.K.

Clark: It wasn't your fault, Jimmy.  You weren't in control. But I need you to tell me what she looked like so I can find her before she hurts anyone else.

Jimmy: Look, everything's a blur after she came up to me at the bar.

Chloe: Oh, Jimmy.  What happened?

Clark: He's gonna be okay. He was at the Ace of Clubs, and things got a little messy. The important thing is that you guys are together. 

[ Door closes ]

[ Mouse clicks ]

[ Beep ]

[ Mouse clicking ]

[ Electricity buzzing ]

[ Thud ]

[ Buzzing stops ]

Maxima: Clark Kent. That's a strong name. I like it.

Clark: Who are you?

[ Air whooshes ]

Maxima: Maxima. You don't know how long I've searched for you.

[ Breathes heavily ]

Maxima: [ Laughs ]  Not here.

[ Bell dings ]

Maxima:  [ Laughs ]

[ Bell dings ]

Lois: Smallville.

[ Both breathing heavily ]

Clark: Lois?

Lois: I'll take the stairs.

Maxima: Let her go.

Clark: Lois.  Lois, wait!

Lois: What?! Oh, sorry to rain on your orgy, Smallville. I think I scared off your date.

Clark: Where'd she go?

Lois: Probably to find you two a motel room.

Clark: You don't understand.

Lois: What's not to understand?! You were pulling a "9 1/2 Weeks" in the elevator. I mean, it may not get you a membership in the mile-high club, but, hey, you got to start somewhere.

Clark: Just calm down.

Lois: I am calm! I am perfectly calm! Why wouldn't I be calm?  Dial down the ego, Smallville. I don't care what you do with your love life. 

Clark: [ Sighs ]

Lois: Give me a break. Does he really think I care who he sucks face with? Hello. That Sluttyanna wasn't even his type.

[ Seat belt clicks ]

Lois: [ Sighs ]

Maxima: I couldn't kill you in front of him.  But now that you're alone, I'll make sure you never take him away.

Lois: Who -- Smallville? [ Breathing uneasily ]  Look, I don't know who or what you are, but you got it all wrong, lady. There is nothing romantic between Lois and Clark.

Maxima: You have a deep connection to him. I felt it.

Lois: Then your radar's on the fritz. 'Cause even on a good day, we're barely friends.

Maxima: He would never have been able to pull away from me if he wasn't drawn by his attraction to you.

Lois: Look -- he's about as attracted to me as a Red Sox fan to the Yankees.

Maxima: Oh, he may not know it yet. But believe me --there's a bond. And I could see it on your face when you caught us together. You feel it, too. But I finally found the man that I've wanted all my life, and you can't have him.

Police Officer: Freeze!

Clark: Chloe, just talk me through the face-recognition software. I'll call you back.

Tess: Amazing, Kent. It seems wherever we are in the universe, our stars keep crossing.

Clark: It is strange. Especially when I find you in a locked office and you don't have a key.

Tess: And how come Clark Kent has an all-night pass to a clinic for the meteor-impaired?

Clark: My friend works here.  She's helping me on an article.

Tess: Hmm. Are you writing a story about that woman?

Clark: You know her?

Tess: [ Sighs ] We had a close encounter this afternoon. What do you know about her?

Clark: She's wanted for murder.

Tess: That's a pretty big story for a copyboy.

Clark: Up until now, she's only attacked men. I wonder why she'd be after you.

Tess: She has her heart set on finding someone.

Clark: Who?

Tess: The guy who owns this. I was hoping that Chloe might use her...skills to shed some light on it.

Clark: Where did you get something like that?

Tess: It was the only thing found at the spot where Lex disappeared. You spent a lot of time with Lex. Did you ever see him with it?

Clark: No.

Tess: Clark, do you know what this is?

Clark: I've never seen that before.

[ Cellphone ringing]

Tess: Yes?

Man: Target located, Miss Mercer. Corner of Melbourne and Holly. She flipped a car. Civilian female trapped inside her Pontiac.

[ Gunfire, men shouting indistinctly ]

Tess: Hello?  What's going on?

[ Air whooshes ]

Lois: Bring it, bitch.

[ Air whooshes ]

Maxima:  Ugh! [ Breathes heavily ]  Finally.[ Laughs ] A man with some fight in him. None of the men on my planet have the stamina to keep up.

Clark: [ Sighs ] Maybe you shouldn't have come on so strong.

Maxima: [ Sighs ] You didn't seem to mind.  You came back for more.

Clark: I came back to stop you from killing Lois. What would you have done to her if I didn't stop you?

Maxima: I couldn't let her have you.  You're my soul mate.

Clark: You don't even know who I am.

Maxima: When I was a little girl, I heard the stories of the brave and gallant men of Krypton, men worthy of standing by a queen's side. When I learned your planet had been destroyed... I prayed for survivors. And when I saw your beacon...

Clark: The beacon didn't come from me.

Maxima: It...doesn't matter. I found the last son of Krypton, and... you're everything I wished for. A man who... ...is my equal. [ Sighs ] When we kissed... I felt your passion so much stronger than I've ever felt from any other man. And... I could sense that you were as desperate as I was to find a mate. You want me...as much as I want you.

Clark: I don't want you.

Maxima: Are you sure? Because no one on this planet will be a better match. I know the loneliness of not finding your soul mate. You come back with me, and you will never be alone. It's our destiny to be together.

Clark: My destiny is here. And you're not a part of it. 

[ Air whooshing ]

Clark: [ Breathing heavily ]

[ Door closes ]

Clark: Chloe?

Chloe: Hey. I just talked to the doctor. I'm bringing Jimmy home in two hours, with his heart in the right place and his hormones in check.

Clark: I guess you figured out that Maxima kissed Jimmy.

Chloe: Oh, please. One look at Jimmy's blood panels, and I put it all together. I can't say I'm thrilled that he macked on an alien goddess, but I got to say -- Maxima knows how to rev a guy's engine.

Clark: Yeah, speaking from experience, he didn't stand a chance. Especially since she went after him when he was vulnerable. He was really shaken up about some letter.

Chloe: Yeah. That letter was for you. I, uh, read it to you sophomore year in high school when you were really sick. The only way I had enough guts to tell you how I actually felt was when you were unconscious.

Clark: "I may not be the one you love today, but I'll let you go for now, hoping one day you'll fly back to me."

Chloe: The kicker is, you did respond, with one word -- "Lana."

Clark: I guess I always knew. I just...

Chloe: Clark, that was a long time ago. Don't worry.  I don't feel that way now. I just wanted you to read it so that I could finally close that chapter of my life and put it behind me. But...don't get me wrong. I don't regret having had those feelings. But that's because they helped prepare me so that I was ready to share my love with the perfect person. And to me, that person is Jimmy. So you blew it, bud.

Clark: I just want you to be happy.

Chloe: Clark, what you and I have, I will never share with anyone else. You're my BFF. Which is why, um... when Jimmy and I get married, I was hoping that... you would give me away at the altar.

Clark: Absolutely. I'd be honored to, Chloe. And I may have an early wedding present for you. Since Jor-El created Brainiac, I think he can cure your infection.

Chloe: Maybe so, but I thought that when the fortress disappeared, so did your father.

Clark: Jor-El's just complex computer programming inside a Kryptonian crystal -- the same crystal that produced the fortress.  And now Tess Mercer has it.

Chloe: That's the computer she wants me to hack into.

Clark: And I think I can re-create Jor-El and the fortress. I just need to get that crystal back. The only problem is, I've already searched the Daily Planet and the mansion. I haven't found it.

Chloe: Maybe this time, we use a little less brawn and a little more brain. 

[ Speaking Japanese]

[ Speaking Japanese ]

Tess: You kickbox, Chloe?  I find it helps focus my anger.

Chloe: Maybe I should rush over to the dojo, 'cause I have a lot of it building up right now.

Tess: Call me paranoid, but it sounds like that rage is directed at me.

Chloe: I don't appreciate people breaking into my office when I'm not around.

Tess: The door was open.

Chloe: Do it again, and I'll press charges.

Tess: You made your point.

Chloe: Listen, while I'm here, maybe I could take a look at that supercomputer.

Tess: Sorry, but, uh... looks like the little hacker bird missed the worm.

Chloe: What do you mean? I thought you said that I was the only one capable of getting into it.

Tess: You might be, but we won't know now, because I don't have it.  [ Smacks lips ] It was stolen.

Chloe: Well, who else would want it?

Tess: I intend to find out. Stay by your phone, Chloe. Only a handful of people knew about that device, and when I find out who has it, I'm taking it back. [ Grunting ]

Clark: Hey. Lois, what are you doing here?

Lois: You know, if you're worried about the editor taking away the story, buck up. It's not your fault. Metropolis PD says that, as far as they know, our big-haired bimbo has vanished off the face off the earth.

Clark: I'm afraid this may not be the last we've seen of her.

Lois: Hmm. Well, I'll be ready for her. The late-night game of bumper cars might have knocked the wind out of me, but one supercharged fembot can't put a serious dent in Lois lane.

Clark: [ Chuckles ] Thanks for showing up when you did. I guess you could say you saved my life.

Lois: Tell me about it. If I hadn't severed your love connection, you would have ended up like all her other dates.

Clark: You know, she said some...weird things to me.

Lois: Really?

Clark: She said she was my soul mate.

Lois: I-I think you can do a little bit better than, uh, a man-eating meteor-freak.

Clark: I know she's not the one, but... it got me to thinking. Chloe showed me this love letter she wrote to me years ago, and... her feelings were really intense. And Chloe was right there in front of me, and I never realized how she felt. What if my soul mate comes along and I'm too blind to see it?

Lois: I don't know, Smallville. I think... that when the right girl walks into your life... you'll know.

Clark: What did Maxima say to you?

Lois: [ Chuckles ] Nothing for the front page. Well, I got to go. I'm meeting with a realtor, finding my own place. Those lovebirds are so sweet, my teeth will rot if I don't move out.

Clark: Hey, Lois, um... you were right. This house is pretty big. If you want your old room back, it's yours.

Lois: Being housemates didn't work out for us the first time, Smallville. Why tempt fate? 

Clark: [ Chuckles ]

Main photo from http://www.cwtv.com 

Back to Smallville Transcripts Page

Back to the Main Smallville Page