Alan: Yes. I did see someone’s things here. I moved them to
a less desirable location. I’m sorry; we’re not territorial about that sort of
thing around here, are we?
Denny: Denny Crane.
Peter: Yes, Denny, I know.
Denny: Ahh . . .
Peter: I run the
New
York office.
Denny: Oh...
Peter: Peter Stone?
Denny: Denny Crane.
Chicago
partner: I know. I’m . . . um . . . with
Chicago.
Denny: My kind of town. Always had the
best sex of my life in
Chicago.
What about you?
Chicago
partner: Well, um . . .
[remote clicks]
Denny: Greetings,
Tokyo,
London.
Nigel: Good morning.
Tokyo
partner: Morning, Denny.
Denny: Brad Chase. There you are,
soldier.
Brad: Hey.
Denny: Oh, everybody remembers Brad Chase, I’m sure. Hell,
if I do—Good to see you, man. All right, everybody—lock
and load. Item 1: Forget Item 1.
Nigel: Well, actually, Denny, item 1 is a rather urgent
matter that we must discuss.
Denny: Why don’t you brief us?
Nigel: Gladly. If we . . .
[remote clicks]
Denny: Item 2: Beckerman discovery? What the hell is that?
Jerry: Uh, well, opposing counsel was granted their motion
to compel, which means we are now required to turn over all correspondence and
scientific studies.
Denny: Hmm, what about the ones we burned before the judge’s
orders?
Sam: We didn’t burn any documents.
Denny: Well, sure we did. Do it today.
[remote clicks]
Denny: All right, Nigel, keep going, we’re listening.
Nigel: Uh, if we don’t . . .
[remote clicks]
Denny: hitting the mute button again Item 3.
Sam: Damn it, Denny. This is not a way to conduct a staff
meeting. Where the hell is Edwin?
Edwin: Sorry I’m late, good people.
Alan: Is it Casual Monday?
Denny: Edwin, everything all right?
Edwin: Hunky dory.
EMT: It’s all going to be fine, Mr. Poole.
Sam: Unbelievable.
Jerry: Not really. Always figured
him for a loon.
Edwin:
Tara. Where’s
Tara. I need
Tara!
Tara: I’m right here, Edwin.
Edwin: Oh, thank you. You have to contact Bill.
Tara: I . . . I will, Edwin. I promise.
Edwin: Apologize for my delay. Then call my wife—tell
her I’ve had a small breakdown. Not to worry.
Tara: Of course.
Edwin: Oh, oh, my goodness. The Brant appeal. I have
the Brant appeal!
Denny: Relax, Edwin, relax.
Edwin: Denny, guess what? I’m due in court with
Tara.
Denny: We’re on it. Don’t you worry.
You just get better.
Edwin: Okay.
Denny: Demagnetize his parking
pass.
Tara: I beg your pardon?
Denny: I know when a man has gone. Do you think you
can handle this case? Without a co-pilot?
Tara: Well, I . . .N . . .
uh, n . . .
Denny: Who’s the judge?
Tara: Resnick.
Denny: He’s s schmuck. Alan! Back
Tara up. She’s before schmuck Resnick.
See if you can get a damn continuance.
EMT: Coming through, please.
Paul: Brad, you got a few minutes?
Brad: Actually, no, I’ve got an early shuttle.
Paul: Get a later one. I need some face time.
Brad: What’s up?
Paul: Edwin Poole was the only one here able to
rein in Denny Crane. Without him . . .
Brad: If you are about to go where I think you’re
going . . .
Paul: We need you back in
Boston more than in D.C., Brad. Lori, Ernie Dell just came in. He’s upset about something. I
sent him to your office.
Lori: My office?
Paul: Yeah. The alternative would be Denny’s
office, and nobody here wants that.
Beah:
Excuse me. I need a lawyer. This is my daughter. She tried out for the national
tour of Annie, and she was the best one. And she was
passed over because she was black. It’s discrimination. It’s bigotry. It’s prejudice, and we want justice.
Sally: Please tell me that
you’ve never seen anything like that before.
Alan: Baring your ass to
24 attorneys, including 2 overseas—that is an unprecedented triumph. I’m just distraught I didn’t think of it
myself.
Sally: You know what I like
about you?
Alan: No, I do not.
Brad: Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. Brad Chase. Look,
I’ve been asked to stay, which I’m considering. But I’m concerned that you and I may have gotten off on the
wrong foot. I like to be straight up with people, and if there’s and issue or conflict,
let’s address it head on, if you don’t mind.
Alan: I have trouble
talking that fast. I don’t believe in being straight up, but I’m a big fan of
your Aqua Velva commercials.
Brad: There’s a potential client in the conference
room. I’d like you to meet with her. Oh, forgot to mention—I outrank you.
Alan: Do you? And I’m
such a slut for authority.
Sally: All right. You think
the two little boys could get off the playground now?
Beah:
“Kiss Today.”
Sarah: I don’t wanna sing.
Beah:
You need to practice. You want to make Julliard? “Kiss Today.”
Sarah:
“Kiss today goodbye . . .”
Alan: Oh, my.
Beah:
Never mind, “Oh, my.” She sings like a sparrow. Here, look. I’ve got these
producer notes, which I was able to get a hold of because
of my own personal ingenuity. Says she has the most talent. You can read it for yourself.
Alan: I’m afraid there’s
been a terrible mistake. I don’t do musical comedy.
Beah:
Annie’s a drama. It’s full of suspense on whether a little girl gets to live
with the rich guy. It’s dramatic.
Receptionist: May I help you?
Sharon: Yes, I need to speak to Edwin Poole
immediately.
Receptionist: I’m afraid Mr. Poole has stepped out . . .
Sharon: You don’t understand. This is an urgent
matter. Where the hell is Edwin Poole?
Sally: Hi, is there anything
I can do to help?
Sharon: Yes. My ex-husband is trying to take my children
from me.
Sally: Okay.
Sharon: And Edwin Poole—he missed my hearing
today. And I’ve been calling his cell phone, and—I mean, what the hell is going on
around here?!
Brad: Excuse me. I’m Brad Chase. We’re going to take
care of this for you. Now why don’t you just take a seat in the conference room. I’ll
get you a glass of water.
Sharon: All right. Thank you.
Sally: Hey.
Brad: Yeah.
Sally: I was handling it.
Brad: I just thought I’d help out.
Sally: That’s very nice. But,
again, I was handling it.
Brad: So, why does it bother you that I’m trying to
help?
Sally: Well, maybe because
you feel I can’t deal with a client on my own.
Brad: I don’t feel that way at all.
Sally: Well, then I guess I
really have no idea what you feel.
Brad: I guess not.
Sally: And that’s supposed to
be my fault?
Alan: Wait a minute. You
two have had sex!
Brad: I’m sorry. We’re not territorial about that sort
of thing around here, are we?
Lori: If you’re not going to tell me—
Ernie: I would prefer to tell Denny. Where the hell is
he?
Lori: Ernie, you and I have done business for a long
time. And we’ve always been able to talk to each other. If I’m to help you here—
Ernie: My wife is cheating on me. Uh, and . . . she
informed me that she has been cheating on me for our entire marriage. It’s been a fraud
from Day 1.
Lori: Okay. First, you’ve only been married since
August. Second, you’ve had five other marriages dissolve each...
Ernie: But this—this was the real thing.
Lori: What’s the goal? To get her
back?
Ernie: Uh, I’d like to put a private investigator on
her. Get some proof.
Lori: If she’s admitted . . .
Ernie: The goal being to get some compromising pictures
to use as leverage.
Lori: In hopes of . . .
[Ernie sighs]
Ernie: Negotiating an
annulment.
Beah:
I know it sounds crazy. And I know I’m one of those obnoxious stage mothers. I
get that. But Sarah worked hard. I’ve tried to teach
her what you earn, people can’t take that away from
you. She’s earned this, Mr. Shore.
Alan: I have no doubt.
But you realize, producers do have discretion. And the
art of casting strikes me as a very inexact science.
Beah:
If they knew they were gonna go white, why did they let her try out at all?
Why’d they let her get her hopes up? I’ll tell you why. So
they can pass themselves off as equal opportunity employers. So they can claim
to be about diversity. They want it
both ways, Mr. Shore. And my daughter got hurt.
Sharon: That was our deal. I would work two jobs,
put him through business school, then he would put me through medical school. A week
after he graduated, he got a job running a mutual fund, and a week after that, he left me. Our kids were four
then. Twins. Simon and Harry. They're eight now.
Sally: Oh,
they’re beautiful.
Sharon: Thanks. In their peewee
league uniforms. You know, he’s never seen one of their games.
Sally: He pay
your way through med school?
Sharon: Take a wild guess. I don’t care, though.
I’ve graduated now. Got a residency waiting for me in New York City.
But Matthew won’t let me take the boys out of state. Says he wants them close
by—these boys he sees once a month. It’s nothing but
spite.
Brad: Now, look, we’re going to reschedule a hearing.
I’m sure everything is going to work out fine. You just have to be patient.
Sharon: If I’m not at Columbia Presbyterian 8:00 am Monday morning,
they will give my spot away. That can’t happen. I have worked to hard
to build a life for these boys.
Denny: We can’t tail the wife.
Lori: That’s what he wants, Denny.
Denny: Can’t do it. Not ethical. She’s a client, too.
Lori: What I would suggest is we send a letter of
withdrawal to end-run the conflict. Get an opinion letter of outside counsel . . .
Denny: I don’t want to tail the wife.
Lori: Denny, I don’t need to tell you that Ernie Dell
is one of our biggest clients. If he wants a private investigator, what’s the real harm?
Denny: The harm would be to me.
Lori: I’m sorry?
Denny: I’m the one sleeping with his wife.
Paul: Denny is having an affair with the woman?
Lori: I’ve got a senior partner saying, “Don’t tail
her.” I’ve got a client wanting snapshots. What do I do, Paul?
Paul: Convince Ernie that the private investigator
idea is a bad one.
Lori: Oh, sure.
Paul: You have enormous persuasive skills, Lori.
Lori: You’re handling me.
Paul: I am. And I need you to handle Ernie. I will
handle Denny.
Lori: Tara?
Tara: Hi.
Lori: Don’t be offended by this. I know you’re a
great lawyer with exceptional legal skills.
Tara: And?
Lori: I need you to flirt with Ernie Dell.
Tara: Excuse me?
Lori: The man is a profound skirt chaser.
Tara: What’s wrong with your skirt?
[Lori sighs]
Lori: Okay, look. Men
sometimes find me attractive. From time to time, they’ll even hit on me. It’s
all deeply rewarding. But you—
Tara: What me?
Lori: You’re hot. Yeah. Kind of . .
. nasty hot. Men would leave their wives for you, and I need to make Ernie forget about his wife so . .
.
Tara: If you think that I . . .
Lori: Don’t make me pull rank. You can file your
sexual harassment claim tomorrow, but today—now—you need to meet with Ernie.
Alan: It seems the
client can’t pay, so the firm will have to eat the cost of prosecuting this
matter. I’m sure the partners won’t object, when
they hear that it was a case you assigned to me.
Brad: I’ll tell you what. I’ll pay the cost of
prosecuting the case.
Alan
Shore: Mmm.
Brad: Of course, if you were a betting man . . . You
win, I pay. You lose, you pay. Bit of a gamble, I realize...
Alan: I’ll pay double.
Sharon: You got another hearing?
Brad: That’s the good news. The not-so-good news is we
probably won’t win it.
Sally: But, it at least gives
us leverage to get your ex-husband in a room.
Sharon: Woo-woo. What are you talking about?
Brad: We want to take a shot at a settlement. Now, if
your ex cares anything about these kids, then . . .
Sharon: He doesn’t. This is all about getting me.
Have I not been clear about that? He doesn’t even know the kids.
Brad: I’ve dealt with bad ex-husbands before.
Sharon: Mr. Chase, no offense, but you have never
dealt with this one. Trust me.
Atty. Smith: This is Little Orphan Annie, for God’s sake!
If she doesn’t look the part . . .
Alan: I didn’t realize
we did racial profiling for our comic strips.
Atty. Smith: These are private investors. There is no state
action involved.
Judge Sharpley: How would the
story change if Annie were black?
Atty. Smith: Your Honor, are you serious?
Judge Sharpley: Counsel, we
are talking about adoption here. Daddy Warbucks isn’t
the biological father. Exactly how would the story change?
Atty. Smith: Little Orphan Annie is an iconic character
based . . .
Judge Sharpley: I want to see
her.
Atty. Smith: Excuse me?
Judge Sharpley: The girl who
got the role. I want to compare.
Atty. Smith: Your Honor, is that really fair to the other
little girl?
Judge Sharpley: Well,
counsel, if she can sing eight times a week in front of 3000-plus people a
night, she can sing in front of me. Get her in
here.
Ernie: I want the private investigator.
[Lori sighs]
Lori: The thing is,
Ernie, the photographs will have no legal relevance. They can’t facilitate an annulment.
Ernie: I am the customer here, Lori.
Lori: Customer isn’t always right.
Tara: May I . . . make an observation? I really don’t
know you, Mr. Dell, but I suspect there’s a reason why all these younger women want to
marry you.
Ernie: It’s called money.
Tara: You’re wrong. It’s called power. And you derive
a lot of that power not just from being handsome and sexy, but from being dignified.
Hiring a private investigator is beneath you. There are many young, beautiful women out there, who would love to
jump into your . . . wife’s place. I know this sounds crazy, but . . . you
might want to look at this as an
opportunity.
Denny: Paul.
Paul: You and I go back a long way, Denny.
Completely mindful of the fact that you helped build this place, the partners here will not
allow you to dismantle it with your buffoonery.
Denny: What did you say to me?
Paul: I don’t think you want to hear me say it
again. To have an affair with the wife of one of our biggest clients—it disrespects both Ernie
Dell and this firm.
Denny: We have other clients.
Paul: Not like Ernie. But your point is well taken.
Everybody is fungible.
Ernie: Lori Colson won’t tail my wife. I want you to do
it.
Paul: Ernie.
Ernie: I’m not talking to you. Get it done, Denny.
Alan: Denny, I’m having
a bit of an identity crisis. I’ve always prided myself on being . . . well,
nuts. But in this firm, I find myself falling
into the sane category.
Denny: laughing You think I’m
nuts, do you?
Alan: Are you scared?
Denny: Scared? What would I be scared of?
Alan: Edwin Poole is a
friend. To see him just go off the high dive?
Denny: Edwin Poole’s problem is he doesn’t like being
Edwin Poole. From time to time he’d look in the mirror and ask, “What’s the point?”
I never do that. Questions like that’ll kill you.
Alan: Questions like,
“What’s the point?”
Denny: Look--take you for example. Tomorrow, you’re
gonna go into court and argue that some little fat black kid should be able to play a
little skinny white one. What’s the point? You
don’t ask—that’s the point. You gonna win, by the way? The world wants to know.
Alan: I’m afraid not.
There’s no state action. We’ve asked for a specific performance with no clear
evidence of discrimination. I don’t like
losing, especially when there’s a wager involved.
Denny: Well, don’t, soldier. Pull a rabbit out of your
hat. That’s the secret of both trial law and life.
Alan: Rabbits?
Denny: Oh, yeah.
Matthew: Excuse me, I’m
looking for . . . you, actually. All my life. Matthew.
Tara: Tara.
Alan
Shore: Alan.
Matthew: I had a girl who
looked like you once. Married her.
Now she looks like you.
Where the hell is my lawyer?
Sally: If you took summer,
plus winter breaks, spring break, holiday weekends—you start to get pretty
close to what you have now.
Matthew: Pass.
Sharon: That’s too much custody for Super Dad.
Brad: Is there any acceptable scenario that would
allow for Sharon
to enroll in her program without leaving the boys behind?
Matthew: We could each take one.
Sharon: Excuse me?
Matthew: You know, like that Nazi movie where the
woman has to pick which kid to keep.
Atty. Tompkins: Sophie’s Choice.
Matthew: Thank you.
Atty. Tompkins: Uh, huh.
Matthew: Only this is Sharon’s choice. One goes with her to
New York; I keep the
other one. Done.
Sharon: That’s outrageous. The boys love each
other. Th—they’re best friends.
Matthew: A little weird, don’t you think? Let’s see
what happens when we split ‘em up.
Sharon: Stop doing this! You have already scarred
your children enough to last a lifetime. Imagine how that feels to a little boy
- knowing
that their father could care less whether he sees them or not! And yet, if it
means denying me something that I want, something that I deserve, something that
this family needs . . . suddenly you’re... you’re a concerned father! Damn
you!
Matthew: And what about my needs, huh? What freakish
nightmare did I step into that turned my wife who was hot, who had sex with me, who
liked to go out with me at night, into some earth-mother world-record setting breast feeder? And no, you want to
leave your kids with some non-English-speaking nanny for a hundred hours a week so you can live out your ER
fantasy life? Be my guest. But it’s not my problem that you’re not good enough
to get hired anywhere in the entire
state.
Ernie: Denny, did you hire that P.I. yet? I asked you a question. Truth be told, my relationship
with this firm hangs in the balance.
Jerry: Uh, Ernie, why don’t we step into my office .
. .
Ernie: I’m talking to Denny.
Denny: All right, Ernie. Truth time. My office.
Denny: This is not gonna be easy for you to hear, but
it needs to be said. I don’t give a damn who slept
with your wife. Neither do you, really.
You don’t love her. This is an ego thing. She’s a trophy girl. Something for
your friends to admire. Maybe you should
be flattered.
Ernie: I’m not . . .
Denny: I’m talking. Ego, Ernie. You acquire fast cars
and young wives to try and stay young yourself in the hope of confusing youth with
relevance. Well, here’s a flash for you. We’re all desperate to be relevant.
You’re 76 years old! Want to feel you still
mean something? Move to
Florida,
punch a chad, screw up an election. Don’t go looking for affirmation between the
two artificial jugs of a woman who married you for—Gee, could it be your outstanding sense of humor? Take a swing if you want to, if it makes you feel
better.
Brad: The guardian ad litem
acknowledged in her report in the last year, Mr. Calder took custody of the
boys only one weekend a month.
Atty. Tompkins: Mr. Calder’s been steeped in a major work
crisis at his company.
Brad: I don’t care if he’s been dismantling a nuclear
weapon. The fact is, he hasn’t been there. There’s no doubt that my client is, in
practice, the primary custodian. Now this woman is struggling to make a life
for her family
Judge Hernandez: What? She can’t make it in the
Commonwealth?
Brad: She’d love to, but the offer comes from New York. And my client has
made every sacrifice...
Judge Hernandez: That’s what parents do, Mr. Chase.
You have kids, you make sacrifices. They got married here, they had children
here. Mr. Calder, as fathers go, I consider you a disgrace. Ms. Brant, there is
a reason for this policy. We don’t
like angry spouses yanking kids across state lines. It’s an undue burden on the family unit. Accordingly, your plan
to relocate with your sons remains enjoined.
[gavel bangs]
Sharon: What now?
Brad: I don’t know.
Matthew: I, uh, I guess that didn’t go too well.
Sarah: “. . . when I’m stuck with a day that’s gray and lonely; I just stick
out my chin and grin and say - tomorrow, tomorrow, I love
ya tomorrow, you’re always a day away.”
Judge Sharpley: Thank you.
That was . . .
Sarah: “Tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll love ya
tomorrow. You’re always a day away.”
Alan: That was great!
Judge Sharpley: Sarah, that
was magnificent. But the other little girl was quite good, too. And given the discretion that has to be allowed
to producers in these situations...
Alan: Your Honor, we
have something called the Equal Protection Clause, we have something called the
14th Amendment - I believe it’s actually required reading for
judges. I could be wrong there.
Reverend Al Sharpton: Could I be heard, your Honor? I heard about
this matter. I would like to address this court on what I
consider . . .
Judge Sharpley: I’m sorry,
Reverend, but you have no standing here.
Reverend Al Sharpton: I have
standing as an American citizen speaking up on a civil rights violation.
Judge Sharpley: Reverend Sharpton, I will ask you to step down . . .
Reverend Al Sharpton: I have
standing as Bobby Kennedy had standing...
Judge Sharpley: You have no
standing in this meeting.
Reverend Al Sharpton: . . . on the
steps of the courthouse in
Alabama!
Judge Sharpley: No one is
denying this little girl an education, sir. She just can’t play Annie.
Reverend Al Sharpton: You may
think this is a small matter. But this is no small matter. This child is being
denied the right to play an American icon
because she doesn’t match the description. Those descriptions were crafted 50 years ago! We’re supposed to be in
a different day!
Judge Sharpley: Reverend . .
.
Reverend Al Sharpton: You talk
about racial equality, how we’re making progress. The problem with that
progress is it’s always a day away. Tomorrow,
tomorrow—you love that!—because it’s always a day away. I’m here to stick out my chin today! Today! Give us
an African-American Spider Man! Give us a black that can run faster than a speeding bullet and leap over tall
buildings in a single bound! Not tomorrow—today! Today! The sun needs to come out today! Not tomorrow,
your Honor! God Almighty! Give the American people a black
Orphan Annie. It’s just not good enough to say she doesn’t look
the part. That’s what you call a rabbit, son.
Denny Crane.
Sally: What if we file a
T.R.O. in federal court on behalf of the kids?
Brad: On what grounds?
Sally: I don’t know. They’ve
been denied a right to interstate travel.
Brad: It’s dubious, but I like your thinking.
Sally: Come here for a
second. Look, I just - I just need to know.
Brad: Sally.
Alan: Brad.
Brad: Alan.
Sally: The deadbeat doesn’t
even see his kids, doesn’t know them, and he’s using them as weapons to destroy his ex-wife and them.
Alan: And that’s why you
were so upset? The case?
Sally: It’s a little hard,
okay? I...I prefer him in D.C.
Alan: Mm,
hm. Do you think I should start working out with weights?
Maybe do some calisthenics?
Sally: I’m trying to, like,
express my...
Alan: You still like
him?
Sally: Well, what context are you asking as, Alan? I mean, are you asking as
like a boyfriend, or...
Alan: I’m not allowed to
ask questions?
Sally: Am I? About
Tara?
Alan: What about Tara?
Sally: Nothing. Anyway, he left. I got very depressed, drank a lot,
hit on too many boys. Until I met this one boy - man, distinguished.
[Alan
laughs]
Sally: And now I just . . .
Okay. How small is the town of Boston?
Alan: What?
Sally: The dirtbag is right over
there.
Alan: Bradley?
Sally: The ex-husband. Really trying to strengthen that family unit.
Sally: What are you doing?
Alan: I just
need to use your thingie for a second.
Sally: Can we get outta here:
I don’t—I don’t wanna look at that pig.
Alan: Okay.
Alan
Shore: We’re off.
Denny: I told him we’re all desperate to be relevant.
Lori: Were you able to dissuade him?
Denny: I think so.
Lori: Denny, do you think you were talking about
yourself a little? You feeling a little desperate to be relevant lately?
Denny: Don’t waste your time trying to get in my head.
There’s nothing there.
Lori: They’re not going to take the firm from you.
First, Paul Lewiston could never get the votes. Second, he wouldn’t want to. The man loves
you.
Denny: I’m not worried, Lori. Do I look worried? Yeah.
Look out there. My domain. My city.
I’m Denny Crane.
Secretary: Sir, if I could just get your name. I would be
happy to buzz Mr. Calder.
Alan: You’re very kind,
but look, I’m already here.
Secretary: There’s a meeting in progress, though, and I’ve
been instructed not to disturb him.
Alan: Hello, Matthew. Shame. I was quite hoping I’d interrupt something tawdry. I’m Alan Shore.
Your colleague and I just met, but we
seem to share a proclivity for exotic women and illicit behavior. Can I steal
you a second?
Matthew: What’s going on?
Alan: I’ll keep it
quick. These are for you. Photos, snapshots. Really some delightful little
business between you and a hooker. A friend of mine, actually. I earn frequent
flyer miles. She’s a lovely woman. I arranged for her to seek you out at the
bar. I particularly like that one, don’t
you? Gives your bottom a nice . . . aura. Here’s the
deal. Sharon and the kids get to go to
New York, or I start printing copies. Is
that powdered sugar, by the way, that you’re snorting off her magnificent porcelain breasts?
Matthew: You are a lawyer in a prestigious law firm,
for God’s sake.
Alan: I know.
Awful. Hate to extort and run, but I’m afraid I’ll need an
answer on this. Now.
Lori: Tara, I need
to apologize. I know how degrading that had to be with Ernie. And...
Tara: Not at all. In fact, I slept with him last
night. Anything for the team.
Lori: I suppose I deserved that. This wasn’t so much
for the team as it is for Denny. There’s some stuff going on...
Denny: What stuff?
Ernie: Denny, I need another moment.
Ernie: I was thinking how right you are not to hire a
private investigator. I thank you for your counsel. After all, it’s possible that I might learn
something that could upset me even further. I hadn’t considered that. Did you consider that, Denny?
Denny: Ernie, I don’t have time to consider all the
things I have to consider.
Ernie: Um, hmm. Can we sit?
Denny: Oh, yeah; please.
Ernie: See, the thing is, fool that I am, I went out and hired a P.I. on my own. And guess what I
found out, Denny?
Denny: I’m not sure, Ernie, but you need to know that
I’m billing you for all these rhetorical questions.
Ernie: My
own lawyer. My friend - with my wife. Talk to me about my quest for relevance, Denny. Tell me
about my ego. Come up with one last profound thing to say before I pull this trigger.
Come on, Denny, talk. I want to hear what the great Denny Crane has to say now.
Denny: First off, clients come in here all the time
wanting to shoot me. You know what I tell them? Go ahead. The worst
thing about growing older, Ernie? You begin to slip. One day you wake up
and you’re “less than.” And for
me? I’m a legend, Ernie. I’m folklore in this town. Lawyers have feared
me for years. For Denny Crane to slip? It would diminish my
legacy. It would be a tragedy. Denny Crane has to go out big, page one of the Globe, New York Times, even. Do me a
favor, Ernie. Pull the trigger. Immortalize the legend. Pull the trigger. I don’t ever want to be “less than.”
Don’t let me become irrelevant. Pull it!
Ernie: Okay. But before I do, don’t you
at least want to apologize?
Denny: I do. I’m sorry, my friend. I’m truly
sorry. Ernie, uh, that gun—I bought it for you. Remember? It’s a starter pistol, Ernie.
[Ernie sighs]
Alan: It’s a
controversy. That’s what Al Sharpton does. And he
does it well. He doesn’t just make noise. He lights and carries a torch of racial controversy.
Atty. Smith: Mr. Shore...
Alan: Which you know.
Which is why you’re here. We need to put this one out, good
people. Controversy is bad business for musicals. Your
production will open and close faster than you can say, “Trent Lott.” I assume you’ve come with a proposal. Let’s
have it. Sarah?
Sarah: “When I’m stuck with a day, that’s...”
Atty. Smith: Okay. We’ll offer you the role of
understudy on weekends.
Beah:
Plus three matinees a month.
Atty. Smith: Done.
Alan
Shore: Sarah?
[Sarah nods]
Brad: Pulled a gun
on him!
Lori: It only shot blanks, but, yeah. Drama’s over.
How’s it feel being back?
Brad: It’s all right.
Let me ask you a question. I’d appreciate an honest answer.
Lori: Okay.
Brad: Do you
think I talk too fast?
Lori: Umm . . . Sometimes, you’re a little brisk.
Brad: I think it’s good
business practice, not to mention good business ethics. We charge by the hour.
Our clients pay for the time that we
spend talking. As attorneys, we have an obligation not to over-bill our
clients, so if I talk fast, it’s just because I feel...
Lori: Ethically bound.
Brad: He makes fun of me.
Lori: I’m sorry?
Brad: Shore. He thinks I’m a Ken doll. No. It’s not right. He calls me a Ken doll while he...
[Lori laughs]
Lori: Plays with your Barbie.
[knock on door]
Sharon: Excuse me. Hi.
Brad: Sharon.
Sharon: I just...I just came to say thank you.
Not that I agree with your tactics. But what this means to me and...and my children, well,
thank you so much. I will never forget this.
Denny: Remember that book? "One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s
Nest"?
Alan: Yes. Is there a point, or did you just want to know if I’d read it?
Denny: There you go again. Always
looking for a point.
Brad: Matthew Calder just agreed to
let his wife move with their children.
Denny: Fantastic.
Brad: You got pictures of him with a hooker. You
blackmailed him.
Alan: You make it sound
unsavory.
Brad: Listen to me. I know how you practice law. I
don’t practice law like that.
Alan: It was a rabbit.
Well, really, a bunny. Marines don’t like bunnies?
Brad: You know the only reason I don’t report you to
the Bar, mister...
Alan: Is because Sharon
might not be able to go to
New York
with her children, which shockingly is more important than our combined ethical
egos.
Brad: You know what, sport? You and I now officially
have a relationship.
Alan: Great. Perhaps we
can get together and do a couple of push-ups, sport.
[Denny laughs]
Denny: Hooker rabbits. I love it.
Alan: You know, you
never answered my question the other night.
Denny: Which was?
Alan: Are you scared?
Denny: The only thing to be scared of, son, is
tomorrow. I don’t live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun in it.
Alan: Denny Crane.
Denny: What was that?
Alan: Nothing.
Denny Crane, here’s to no tomorrows.
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