OLTL Update Thursday 4/17/03

One Life to Live Update Thursday 4/17/03

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita

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Well, we received a rare treat indeed just for watching Thursday's episode of "One Life to Live"; if you missed it, let's just say that Joey lost that damn annoying collar for the day. And how.

You know, I think it's admirable and worthy, his new status as a curate, don't get me wrong. But Bruce Michael Hall has an astonishingly fabulous body and it seems like such a shame to trap it behind that freakin' black shirt and white collar, doesn't it?

Anyhow, on today's show, our patience got rewarded in spades, and it was so gratifying that I didn't even mind the fact that I also had to tolerate that annoying horsefly Rex in order to get it. See, evidently Joey and Rex work out at the same gym -- Rex's idiotic yet priceless response: "I didn't know priests could work out!" -- and the locker room therein was where the action picked up. Rex was there, not wearing a shirt. (And he was okay-looking, but I was able to keep reminding myself that he annoys the fire out of me, so I was over it pretty quickly.) And Joey was there, also not wearing a shirt. (And it was... um... worth the wait; honestly, this boy is built, magnificently, and he had my attention before he even uttered a syllable of dialogue today.) I keep getting off track, I know, but bear with me here.

Anyway, so Joey was giving Rex some attitude (because he, like the rest of us with brains in our heads, can't stand the fop), and Rex wasn't quite sure where it was coming from (because he's a raging idiot), so he asked Joey what his problem was. Joey told him that Jen Rappaport was his problem -- specifically, that she's been going through an extremely difficult time recently and doesn't need the likes of him circling her like the vulture he is. Rex earnestly replied that Joey doesn't even know him, and Joey shot back that he knows his type, that he grew up surrounded by Rex's type -- the kid that always hangs out at the country club, never fitting in, opportunistic and on guard -- and that Jen doesn't need Rex's type right now. Joey then added that he heard all about what he tried to pull with Jessica, pretending to be her brother, and then said something about how Rex could never be with either of them or something to that effect. (I was too busy staring at chiseled torsos to follow this exchange verbatim.) Rex then informed Joey that he's already slept with Jen, and that if he ever wanted Jen and Jessica to be in bed with him, separate or together, then that's where they'd be. Joey did what we've all been wanting to do for months now: he slammed Rex up against the row of lockers and thought seriously about beating the snot out of him.

Joey thought better of it (even though I was screaming at my television, literally begging my man to get in at least a strong enough punch to turn the bleached-blond jackass' hair back to its natural color, because you just KNOW that's not it), and instead simply warned Rex that he will not allow him to be anywhere near the orbits of anybody close to him, and then gave him that steep "consider yourself warned" glare (which quite frankly scared the hell out of me, and I was perfectly safe).

So that whole series of scenes was by far the most interesting thing about this episode. As for the rest of it....

Dorian and Blair were still trapped in the secret chamber beneath Llanfair, and Blair was drifting in and out of consciousness after being nicked by one of those freaky poisoned daggers. Dorian was alternately railing at the portrait of Victor and Viki, and trying to pry the metal door open with a crowbar. And when none of that worked, she grabbed Mitch's power drill and decided to try to bore themselves through the door.

Upstairs, Troy -- who had stopped by to give something or other to Blair, whom he was supposed to meet for lunch or something (I was still distracted by Joey's chest at this point, so I wasn't catching all the particulars of everybody else's day) -- heard the power drill and was trying to get Lois to help him figure out what it was. Lois didn't hear it at all so she wasn't offering much assistance, and just as Troy was getting ready to go raid the basement, the noise stopped.

That's because Dorian stopped to go try to get Blair to wake up again. And once she accomplished that, she returned her attentions to getting the door opened. And that's when an epiphany struck: Dorian turned for a second and looked at the freaky cursed box, and she realized that the diamond would fit perfectly between those four prongs that shot up from the lid of the box. She walked over to the box and very gingerly placed the gem inside the space, and sure enough when it dropped into place, the metal door slid open right on cue. Dorian and Blair began screaming and celebrating happily, and walked out of the room.

But you didn't think that Dorian had any intention of leaving that room without diamond in hand, did you? Pshaw! So against Blair's pleading -- seems Blair still has a hangup about that alleged "curse" that the gem carries -- Dorian slipped back into the room and removed the diamond from within the prongs, and then quickly bolted from the room as the metal door began to close again.

The women made it back upstairs just in time to run into a hysterical Viki, who hit the roof after learning from Natalie that Jessica had come to Llanfair to retrieve her car from Mitch. Dorian informed Viki that Jess was in the garage with Mitch, and also that Mitch is her father and would never hurt her. Viki then informed Dorian that if anything happens to Jessica while she's with Mitch, she'll hold Dorian personally responsible. Dorian's response: "Tell me something that's new!"

Jessica was at the hospital with Mitch of course, continuing to help him deal with his blindness following the rust remover accident. Mitch's ears perked up when Jessica told him that she would help him recuperate, and he asked her if that meant that she was willing to let him be a father to her now. Jess hemmed and hawed on that one and ended up running from the room.

She ran into the opthalmologist out in the hallway, and after confirming that she was Mitch's next of kin, he told her that the blindness was likely permanent -- that there was a chance that his eyesight would return, but it probably wouldn't. So she was left with the thankless task of breaking the news to Mitch, and she did it gracefully, replete with the requisite "it's not the end of the world" sentiment. He begged her to help him get through this ordeal and she gave in and agreed that she would.

So Jessica went home to pack an overnight bag, and to explain to her mother what had happened in the Llanfair garage. Viki and Natalie were both horrified, but they both tried to convince her that none of it was her fault -- it was just an accident -- and that she was in no way obligated to Mitch. But Jessica was hearing none of it. She insisted that she was responsible for Mitch's condition and that she had to help him through it.

Meanwhile, across the hall from Mitch in the hospital lay loony tunes Lindsay, who freaked Jen out yet again by asking where Sam was. Jen's response: "You killed him, you goofy bitch." (I don't know, it was something like that.) Then she ran out of the room just as Bo was walking in, and Lindsay about threw a fit when he wouldn't let her go after Jen. Lindsay insisted that she needed to go find Jen and Will and protect them, and Bo asked what they needed protection from. Lindsay replied that she needed to protect them from Mitch Laurence. Bo's ears perked up as she continued to ramble on about how he was responsible for "all of this," and he realized that Mitch may have been responsible for Lindsay acquiring Todd's gun. So he decided to pay Dorian a visit, and he asked her flat out if she was in cahoots with Mitch. She told him not to be ridiculous, that she wasn't even in Llanview when the shooting occurred. Bo told her that he sees this situation one of two ways: either she's "up to her fake eyelashes" in her husband's crimes, or else she's in waaaaay over her head. And he warned her to watch her back.

Dorian was later as giddy as a schoolgirl when she learned of Mitch's accident, and she excitedly told Blair that now that Mitch is blind, she can go after him freely, and he won't be able to see her coming.

Also, quickly, Jen found out about Natalie's engagement to Cris and didn't take the news well at all. And Natalie and Carlotta had yet another blowout at the diner. (If you missed it, just replay one of their past arguments in your mind because that's exactly what it sounded like -- nothing new was said and nothing new was done.) And Marcie almost discovered that Al is the Voice of the Night, but he talked his way out of it; later, he stole a handful of diet pills from her purse and swallowed every last one of 'em.

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