OLTL Update Friday 4/11/03

One Life to Live Update Friday 4/11/03

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita

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At the risk of being unforgivably redundant, I'll repeat my question from yesterday: What if there was an episode of "One Life to Live" where lots of crap was going on, but nothing was REALLY going on? 'Cause Friday's installment makes two in a row, and today we didn't even have La Strasser's funky-ass hairdo to keep us entertained. Nope, all we got today was more of Flash's hacking cough, and endless and interminable scenes involving the two worst characters on the entire ABC daytime slate (and considering some of those no-talent fops over at "All My Children" these days, that's certainly a bold proclamation), Jen and Rex -- perhaps striving to be known as '03 Bonnie and Clyde ("...all I need in this life of sin is...."). So on the off chance that any of you are actually still interested in what happened today, I'll give you the ten second recap -- don't blink or you'll miss all the good stuff: Flash coughed. A lot. Jen and Rex broke into some dude's room and stole a pin. Flash coughed. More. That creepy Cole guy made the rounds. Natalie's jealousy continued to simmer. Flash coughed. Even more. RJ wanted Flash and the band to sign away their lives in a lopsided contract. Flash told him to go rub a lamp.

And coughed.

Are you really still interested? I mean, are you--

Never mind, let's just get to it. Rex zeroed in on another room to rob at the Palace, and as he was letting himself in, Jen ran up behind him and insisted that he let her in on it. Rex tried to shoo her like the big ol' fly that she is, but she wouldn't take no for an answer, and I was already zoning out about midway through this conversation so I can't really tell you why or how she got him to relent, all I know is when I came to, they were both inside the hotel room, casing the joint. She immediately -- because she's an idiot, and that's a well-documented fact -- began touching everything, and he told her to knock it off and pulled gloves from his pocket. He gave one to her and kept one for himself, and then picked up from the dresser a small cardboard box containing an expensive-looking jeweled pin. He pocketed it quickly as Jen was looking around, asking stupid crap like, "What should we steal next?"

Can you believe that Sam's sperm and Lindsay's egg -- apparati of two highly intelligent people -- produced such a flaming moron?

Anyway, I was definitely losing interest, patience, tolerance.... when all of a sudden, Rex and Jen heard voices from outside the door. It was Renee, along with the man whose room they were in. I don't know, he was hacked off about something involving his suits that got ruined for some reason or other. Rex and Jen rushed into the closet just as Renee and the pissed-off man entered the room, and he made a beeline for the closet to show her the suits. Well, Rex was holding the door from the inside so that the man couldn't get it open, and I don't know what all else happened because I started wondering why Rex is still on this canvas at all when he's such a waste of airtime that rightfully belongs to people like Nora and Dorian and Asa -- you know, people we actually LIKE. And you know, Josh and Michael have done such an immensely superlative job of streamlining this canvas and correcting past mistakes that it just baffles me that we still have to watch this bleached blond jackass.

Sorry, I'm in a mood tonight, just bear with me.

So where was I? OK, so pissed-off guy forgot about the closet for some reason, and looked over at the dresser and saw that the pin was gone, and immediately started screaming at Renee about how he's been robbed. Renee couldn't believe it's happening again, and insisted that the pin just had to be in the room somewhere. But it was nowhere to be found and so Renee started telling the man that she'd reimburse him or replace it or something. And while Renee was chasing pissed-off man around the suite, Rex and Jen made a run for it, and got out of the room safely.

They went back to her room, where Jen was going on and on about how big a rush it was and all this, and how intense it was, and Rex said -- I swear to God, I couldn't make this up even if I wanted to -- "Yeah, just like sex." And then they started kissing each other hungrily, right there in the hallway outside of Jen's room. I know I use this word a lot, but there is no other: it. was. nauseating. Thoroughly. Well, so they were just about to go inside Jen's room and put their little theory to the test when Joey showed up to see Jen. (Did I tell you, Renee had called Joey earlier to come over and check on Jen. Don't ask me why, it made as much sense as the rest of the episode.)

Well, Jen and Rex both tried to get rid of him, but St. Joey can't be deterred so easily. And so then I lost myself in thought for a while, wondering why she couldn't have just gotten buried in that snowdrift during "Storm of Change" week, or why she can't just go back to boarding school in Switzerland or wherever the hell she came from all those moons ago, and when I looked up, Joey and Jen were at Capricorn eating lunch. And Rae just "happened" to show up a short time later and "accidentally" ran into these two, and rather rudely invited herself to join them for lunch. And with all the subtlety of a shuttle launch, started talking Jen up about her feelings and about her grief and about all this therapeutic crap. Jen -- having one of those rare moments when she was firing on all cylinders -- smelled a setup, and realized that Joey had rigged this whole thing, and told he and Rae both to go to hell.

Rae then told Joey that one thing is absolutely clear: the girl needs major help.

Which is what I've been shouting from the rooftops for, like, years!

Meanwhile, Renee called the cops, and Antonio showed up to investigate. He told Renee that it's more than likely an inside job, seeing as there were no signs of forced entry, and the Palace is the only area hotel that's being targeted. Renee realized he was probably right, and you could tell by the look on her face who she was already suspicious of.

Rex, meanwhile, later paid Natalie a visit and gave her the pin he'd just stolen as an engagement gift. She wondered where he'd found the money to pay for it, and I'd tell you what he said except I was singing "la la la la la la la la la" at my television screen at the top of my lungs until he was no longer on it.

OK, what else happened? Jessica and Cristian got together to discuss his upcoming showing at the gallery. He wanted to use pictures that he had painted of Jess years ago, and she told him she didn't feel comfortable with that idea. I don't know, something about how she didn't want people to think that she's an egomaniac or something. Listen, none of the rest of it made any sense today, so why should this?

Natalie's slowly-increasing jealousy of Jessica and Cris continued to build, meanwhile, as she watched the two of them planning this gallery showing, and later as she talked to Roxy and Rex about Cris' proposal. Roxy told her to be careful, and then something about first love and how you never really get over it, and that that's what Jess and Cris are to each other.

Gabrielle went to see Bo at the police station, thinking that their relationship was probably on the rocks -- especially after Bo spent the night in his office -- but he surprised her with a warm embrace. She tried to apologize again, but he told her that he's not upset with her, because she ultimately did the right thing: she told him the truth, no matter how hard it was. She told him that she just couldn't bear not the thought of Bo not knowing he has a son, and Matthew not knowing he has a father. Then Bo told her that he and Nora have decided to hold off on telling Matthew the truth for now, because he's already so hurt and sad and confused and they don't see any need to add to that right now. He then added that he planned on spending a lot more time with Matthew from now on, and he asked her if she was OK with that. Of course, Gabby responded, and then Bo said that that means he'll also be spending quite a bit more time with Nora as well. Whoa, Nelly! said Gabby. Actually, she said that was fine, too, but the hurt look on her face told a much different story.

Then they hugged again, and he assured her that she nothing at all to be insecure about, and she told him he was the most wonderful man on the planet and then Hank came in to discuss police bidness, so she left.

To go see Max at Capricorn, where she filled him in on the latest chapter in her saga. Max told her that Bo is a straightforward guy, and that if he had wanted her gone, she'd be gone. He told her to trust in that love now that she knows she has it.

But this is Gabrielle we're talking about here! Not a single one of her relationships heretofore -- with either Max, with Father Tony, with Michael Grande, with Carlo, with Asa -- have been anything even approaching healthy!

Let's see, Max also asked RJ if he was interested in a partnership. RJ reminded Max that he has no money at all. Max assured him that was just a minor technicality.

Joey gave Flash his old guitar (which looked suspiciously like the guitar that Sam used to whip out once a week and strum for Blair back when Kale Browne was playing the role, but I'll bet no one in charge wants me to remember that) and told her something or other. And Flash continues to have that nasty cough. RJ paid her and the band a visit at the garage, and wanted them to sign a contract with him that gave him the rights to anything they write while they're playing at Capricorn or something like that. Flash read it and flatly refused to sign her name to it, much to the band's dismay. So then RJ threw some music-biz rhetoric at them about how they need an audience and need promotion and need this and that and the other.... Yes, I was zoning out again, thinking about how impossibly cute that boy Riley is, and what a shame it is that we don't see more of him (and that we have to instead suffer through Rex (!!)), and when I refocused, RJ left in a huff, and the band was pissed that Flash wouldn't sign the paper. Flash tried to get them to see her point of view, but they also left in a huff, and after they did, she started coughing again, and collapsed on the floor of the garage.

Oh, and that creepy Cole guy wandered all over town, getting himself acquainted. He and Marcie got into it at the diner over a botched hamburger order. Then he walked up to Jessica and was all friendly/creepy with her. (This later prompted Antonio to warn her to stay far away from him.) Then he introduced himself to RJ, who told him to work on convincing Flash which course of action she needed to take.

And, thankfully, that's the end of this one. Let's pray for a better week ahead, kids!

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