One Life to Live Update Tuesday 4/8/03

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita

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Well, we were all invited to Llanview's latest wedding from hell -- and, seriously, in this town, aren't they ALL?! -- on Tuesday's installment of "One Life to Live." The lucky lovebirds: Mitch and, much to the surprise of everyone in reluctant attendance, Dorian. As you can well imagine, the reactions ranged from anger to all-out disgust... shock and awe, indeed.

But first, let's cover the irrelevant portions of today's episode, starting with the show's two most annoying characters (especially now that Liz has been killed off and Keri's off in hiding), Jen and Rex. (Honestly, that Jen continues to get so much airtime is the biggest mystery in recent memory, agreed?) Rex broke into Jen's room at the Palace while she was fast asleep, and immediately began pocketing her valuables. He put a bracelet in his pocket and was in the process of going through her purse when all of a sudden she was behind him, fully alert, asking him what the hell he was doing. He stammered for a bit, offered some lame excuse about how this was just a one-time thing because he was late on a tuition payment. She bought it at the time, and then started kissing him for no reason, and then they fell on the bed making out, and then she called a halt to it, saying she wasn't in the mood anymore, and then they talked about the fact that her mom had just confessed to killing her dad, and then Rex was like, "I have to get the hell away from this crazy chick at once." (Which is exactly what I was thinking, except I couldn't change the channel because I have to write this recap and I made myself promise that I would only fast-forward through Antonio/Liz/Keri/unfortunate baby scenes.)

Then Renee knocked on Jen's door to check on her, and Rex freaked out because he'd have been in trouble if Renee caught him in the room. So he hid in the closet or something, and Jen let her in the room and assured her that she was doing fine. Renee warned her to keep her door locked because there has been a rash of burglaries in the hotel, and that perhaps she'd feel more comfortable keeping her valuables in the hotel safe downstairs. Jen smiled and said she wasn't worried about being robbed because she doesn't have anything worth stealing. Renee told her that she should nonetheless keep her door bolted, and Jen told her she would.

After Renee left, Rex came out of hiding, and Jen called him on his previous lie that this was just a one time thing. He admitted that it had been going on for months -- evidently he has access to a hotel passkey -- and asked why she didn't turn him in. She announced to him that she was going to be his new partner.

(Yes, it was just as thoroughly nauseating as you're thinking it was, but I still had a question: does this mean that Flash hasn't been the Palace bandit after all? Because weren't we all supposed to think that she's been robbing all these patrons of the hotel? Didn't we see her walking through the lobby counting a wad of cash after one of these burglaries? Am I supposed to be this confused?)

Meanwhile, at Foxy Roxy's Hair Hut (or whatever it's called), this incredibly hysterical "attraction" between Nigel and Roxanne -- which works for the sole reason that Peter Bartlett and Ilene Kristen are just hilarious together, massively adept at playing off of each other with spot-on line readings -- continued to simmer. Nigel was spouting complex poetry at Roxy, who responded with things like "I am so horny for you too, baby" and "I love it when you talk dirty to me." These two were all over each other, about to flirt their way into a coma, when the construction crew arrived to do more work on the salon, and the foreman happened to snap his fingers when telling his crew to get to work. That turned off the hypnotic suggestion, and Nigel and Roxy were immediately at each other's throats again, arguing about Roxy's decorating ideas and about that massively tacky (and tackily massive?) painting of herself that Cristian is working on. Asa turned up a short time later and broke up the bickering, telling Nigel that after what he had just seen -- he was one of the aforementioned wedding guests -- he just wanted to go home and curl up with a bottle of bourbon. Well, the word "bourbon" reactivated the hypnosis, and Roxy and Nigel were once again making gooey eyes at each other.

Antonio visited his mother at the diner to apologize for his appalling behavior there the other day (when he verbally attacked that poor woman for being what he considered a bad mother), and also to tell her that Bo had given his badge back and fully reinstated him on the force. She told him that an old friend of his stopped by yesterday, a man named Cole. Antonio got a worried look on his face, and told her to have nothing to do with this man if he came around again. He later got on the phone to try to find out when Cole had gotten released from Statesville, and Cole slipped up behind Antonio and told the cop that he could ask him himself if he wanted to know.

But of course, the place to be in town today was Llanfair, where Dorian and Mitch had decided to stun the town and get hitched. Viki was amazed to see that Dorian was Mitch's much-ballyhooed "special guest" and she did what must have been the first thing that popped into her mind: she promptly walked over to her old archrival and slapped the living hell out of her. "Are you out of your mind?!" Viki demanded; Dorian told her indifferently that she had hoped for a simple congratulations. Cassie, of course, was outraged, as was Blair, and they both insisted that Dorian explain herself.

Dorian told the girls that she's madly in love with Mitch and can't wait to marry him. That's when Joey -- who looked ridiculously hot in a nice tieless suit; isn't he adorable when he loses that collar? Am I the only one who sees that?! -- piped up and reminded her that she said the same thing about Mel, and about Joey himself. "Do you just say that to every man in your life?" Joey asked, his voice tinged with just a wee bit of longing jealousy (a brilliant acting choice on Bruce Michael Hall's part). Dorian successfully brushed him off for the time being, and then Cassie decided that she'd heard enough and bailed.

Dorian caught her just as she was headed out the door, and Cassie told her that she was crushed -- that she thought her mother had really changed this time. Dorian tried to convince her that there was more going on here than she realized, but Cassie didn't want to hear any of it and left. Viki asked Dorian if it was worth it -- if finally getting to be the mistress of Llanfair all over again was worth losing her daughter over. Dorian told her to get over herself, and Viki asked Dorian what happened to herself -- Viki thought that they had finally come to terms with each other a few years ago just before Dorian left town. Dorian informed Viki that she was mistaken, and so Viki congratulated her on worming her way back into Llanfair, "by trading one monster for another."

So before the judge had even arrived to begin the ceremony, the guests continued dropping out, with Asa and Renee following Cassie's lead, followed by Natalie and Cristian. Joey got Dorian off by herself and asked her if she ever really loved him. She assured him that she did, very much, and then he begged her not to go through with this wedding. She asked him to wish her well, and he told her he couldn't, and gave her a bittersweet kiss on the cheek. (I'm telling you, these two showed an incredible amount of chemistry and rapport with each other in their two short scenes together, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of it. You'll recall that when Michael Malone was fired in 1996, Joey -- then still played by the magnetic Nathan Fillion -- and Dorian had attempted a reconciliation, after the truth came out regarding her forced marriage to David Vickers and that one of Viki's alters had murdered Victor, but by that time Joey had feelings for Kelly, so he and Dorian called it off, but there was still an obvious attraction between them that was completely abandoned after Leah Laiman and Peggy Sloane took over the writing team, and I can't be the only one who always wondered what would have happened if ABC had left Malone alone... maybe we'll find out now.)

So then Viki told Dorian that if she teams up with Mitch, she'll make an enemy of Viki for life. Dorian gave Viki an indifferent shrug on that one, and as the judge arrived -- conveniently, the same judge that upheld Victor's will, thus giving the entire estate to Mitch, a fact that wasn't lost on Viki -- Viki and her kids also left the party. Troy decided that he'd also seen enough of this and tried to get Blair to leave with him, but Dorian asked Blair to stay, because she needed a witness to the ceremony. Blair decided against her better judgment to stick around, and told Troy she'd catch up with him later.

Gabrielle and Max were also in attendance, and she pulled him outside and told him about breaking into Nora's house and stealing the second copy of Sam's letter regarding Matthew's true paternity. She continued to feel insecure, especially as she and Max watched from the terrace as Bo and Nora talked inside. Max tried to convince Gabby that Bo is crazy about her, and that the truth wouldn't change anything -- he also reminded her that the two of them also have a son together, and are ex-spouses, and that it doesn't mean anything. He then told her something that was really intelligent -- in fact, it may be the only smart thing he's ever uttered in his sixteen years on this show. He told her she had two choices: she could either burn the second letter the same way she burned the first, and go on lying to Bo; or she could lay it all on the line and risk what she has, so that she can find out once and for all if she really has it.

Shockingly, she chose the latter option. She stepped inside, on the verge of tears, and walked up to Bo and Nora and told him that she needed to speak to him immediately, that it was of extreme importance. He told her OK, and as they were leaving, Nora gave Bo a drawing that Matthew made of the two of them at his soccer game. That put Gabrielle even closer to the edge, of course, and by the time they got back home, she was literally shaking. She told him that what she was about to tell him was incredibly difficult for her, because it was going to completely change their relationship. Bo jumped in, thinking she was going to tell him she was pregnant or something. Gabrielle told him that wasn't it, and then eased into the truth: last week he had gotten a letter addressed to himself and to Nora. And she opened it. And read it. And burned it. Bo was getting increasingly worried and upset, and finally asked her what was in the letter. She pulled the duplicate copy from her coat and told her that he could read it for himself. He asked her where this copy had come from, and she admitted that she had broken into Nora's house and stolen it. She quickly tried to justify her actions by saying that she loves him so much, and that he has given her a life that she never had even the audacity to dream about before, and that's why she felt she had to do what she did. He asked her what could possibly be in the letter that would drive her to such extremes, and she tearfully revealed to him that he, not Sam, is really Matthew's biological father.

Back at the wedding, the only people left watching it were Blair, the judge, and Mitch's lawyer Evangeline. Mitch and Dorian exchanged their vows, and capped it with a rather inappropriately randy kiss, after which Mitch saw Evangeline and the judge out. That left Blair and Dorian alone together, and Blair demanded to know the real reason why she had just married "the psychotic bastard." Dorian admitted to her that after she and Drake had parted ways, she had gotten into a bit of trouble, and that Mitch had come to her rescue. She explained how she was stunned to see that he was alive, and that Victor was alive, and she somehow or other got herself mixed up in Mitch's evil plot. Blair still didn't understand why she had to marry him, and Dorian told her that she ought to understand better than anybody that you can't get to Mitch from the outside; you have to attack him from the inside. Blair began to get it, and asked tentatively if Dorian was going to go after Mitch. "You bet your ass on that one," Dorian promised.

Blair left, satisfied for now, and so Mitch and Dorian were finally alone in their new home. Mitch was obviously ready to retire to bed, thinking he was finally going to get a chance to consummate one of his marriages. But Dorian begged off, saying that the day had been exhausting physically and emotionally, so he told her to go upstairs and get some rest. After she was safely upstairs, he sneaked into the secret room that he had found under the staircase, and he continued drilling into the floor, still looking for... something....

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