OLTL Update Friday 12/27/02

One Life to Live Update Friday 12/27/02

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita


The horror! No kidding! The most terrifying thing happened on Friday's episode of "One Life to Live" and I'm still traumatized.... We. Met. Roxy's. MOTHER! And let me tell you something, it was unfathomably frightening. In case you missed it, they have the exact same hairdo (that frizzy platinum blonde look that is atrocious), the exact same eye for fashion (which is to say, none at all), and the exact same affinity for leopard-print anything they can get their hands on.

So if the idea was to stir up a little sympathy for Roxanne, to make us feel a tad sorry for her, I gotta tell you... it may have worked. Max followed Roxy to this crummy tenement building in Philadelphia, thinking she was going to meet Asa there for their latest rendezvous. But he quickly realized she wasn't meeting Asa after he called his former pa and discovered that he's still back in Llanview, waiting to hear from Roxy. So then Max thought maybe she was meeting another man. But no dice: he eavesdropped as Roxy greeted her mother on her annual Christmastime pilgrimage to visit her. And let me tell you, this woman (whose name I didn't catch) was a complete travesty; she makes Roxy look like Viki in comparison, I swear to God.

Roxy plopped her suitcase up on a table and opened it up to reveal Christmas presents for her mother: cartons of cigarettes (which evidently weren't the right kind -- Roxy brought filtered because "as much as you smoke, they're healthier for you") and this seriously gaudy sequined dress or skirt or blouse, I'm not sure which. (Doesn't really matter; according to Ma, she could squeeze four of herself into it, rendering it positively useless.)

So anyway, Roxy's mom proceeded to call her daughter stupid and worthless about two hundred or so times, even as Roxy tried to explain that was married now AND being wooed by a billionaire. "Weren't you married to a doctor?" the mom asked. "Yes but now I'm married to Max-a-Million," she responded giddily, only to be told that any man who would marry her would have to either be drunk or blind. (Which, come to think of it....) Roxy tried again to defend herself and her mother really let loose then, calling her stupid all over again, calling her dreams stupid, calling anything she ever wanted to do or tried to do stupid, and berating her until she couldn't even see straight. (I kid you not, Ilene Kristen did one of the best winces today that I've ever seen; she was recoiling with every inch of her physical being, it was impressive.) Finally, Max -- who remained outside the door listening to all of this unfold -- had had enough and barged into the apartment, telling Ma-in-law to cool it. "Who the hell are you?" mom asked. "I'm Roxy's husband," he replied. "I'm Max-a-Million." Roxy immediately began beaming with pride at her hubby's gallant act.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch -- no, literally -- Max's son Al was being all heroic himself. He happened upon Jessica at Asa's stables, staring at a photograph of herself as a child with Clint. Al tried to comfort her after Jessica asked if he knew the truth and he admitted that he did. Al told Jessica that her entire family is very worried about her, especially Viki, and Jessica told him that was nonsense -- that Viki gave her up as a baby because she disgusted her, and that she continues to disgust her because every time Viki looks at her she sees Mitch. Al told her that was ridiculous, that every time Viki looks at Jess, she sees Jess -- she sees the daughter she loves with all her heart. He also tried to convince her that the fact that Clint is no longer her biological father means nothing and changes nothing -- he reminded her that Clint and Viki both adopted her when they all thought that Roxanne Balsom was Jess' real mother, so what's the difference? There's a huge difference, Jess insisted.

Al finally convinced Jessica to let him at least call Viki and let her know that Jess is safe. He promised that she wouldn't have to talk to her if she didn't want to and that he wouldn't tell her where she is, but that she'd like to at least know that her daughter is safe. Jess finally agreed and Al telephoned Llanfair and spoke to Viki, assuring her that Jessica is safe and sound and that he'll look out for her, but that she needs a little more time alone to sort through all of this. Viki said she understood completely and told Al to tell Jessie that she loves her very much.

After the call was finished, Al suggested that they should go somewhere else -- it was freezing cold in the stables and anyone could find them there besides. Which is exactly what happened: as Al was promising Jess that he would take her someplace quiet where she wouldn't have to face any friends or family, Asa walked in on them and asked what they were doing there together.

Cris and Natalie had been with Seth, Rex, Bo, and Viki at Llanfair waiting for word on Jess, so after Al's phone call everyone began breathing a little easier and Cristian debated where he was going to be staying from now on. He said that he was going to let Jen keep the loft, and then Bo suggested that he could stay with Antonio so that he could be confidently safer. But Natalie had a better plan: just move into Llanfair! And Viki okayed this! No I'm not kidding! She said that he could stay at the carriage house if he didn't feel comfortable living in the main house; Cris thanked her for the offer and took her up on it, saying he'd like the chance to be closer to Natalie and to keep her safe. He also said he needed to go over to the loft and pick up a few things, and Bo offered to drive him.

Of course, Mitch and Jen were together at the loft, drinking a toast to the successful launch of their plot to destroy Cris and Natalie's relationship. Mitch congratulated Jennifer on the calm restraint she showed when Cristian officially dumped her, and Jen said what she really wanted to do was tear into him for breaking her heart that way. Mitch assured her that what he had in mind would be eminently more satisfying in the long run, and Jen perked up like the junior psychotic that she unquestionably is. Then Mitch proposed another toast: "To Cris and Natalie, may they rest in peace." Whoa, Nelly! Jen didn't like the sound of that one at all, and Mitch backtracked a bit and said that he didn't intend to kill Cris and/or Natalie... only their love for each other. "OK, that's better," Jen said, happy anew. As he began to lay out phase one of their plan, Cristian walked in, none too happy to see these two together, obviously plotting.

In the meantime, the junior psychotic's mother was doing a little planning of her own, if that's what you'd care to call it: Sam walked in on Lindsay trashing the gallery, busting sculptures and throwing things. Lindsay tried to cover and say that the gallery had been burglarized, and Sam shut that one down with a quick "rub a lamp, sister, I was married to you, don't you remember, because I certainly do" incredulous glares. She finally admitted that yes, she lost control and threw a tantrum, but wouldn't say why. Have it your way, Sam told his ex before giving her a gift from Will and then leaving.

Sam later figured out what exactly had set her off: Nora met him at the Palace and revealed the good news about her and Troy's engagement. Sam told her he had a feeling that this was coming, and that he was really happy for her. She asked him if he would help her break the news to Matthew and he agreed wholeheartedly, though he didn't think that she had anything to worry about there since Matthew is crazy about Dr. Troy. That makes two of us, Nora said. Sam asked if Lindsay had heard about the engagement yet, and Nora said not that she knew of. Sam told her that he had seen Lindsay earlier and that she was acting more strangely than usual. Nora brushed it off, saying it was more or less par for the course where Lindsay was concerned.

Troy, in the meantime, told Emily -- seriously, what is the POINT of this character?! She does... NOTHING! She adds... NOTHING to this canvas! She has... NO STORYLINE of her own! Somebody please wake the writers and tell them to trim the fat stat!! -- about the engagement, and Em congratulated her brother, then asked how this was going to affect Lindsay's demeanor when she hears the news. "I'm not sure," Troy said, before heading off to tell her the news himself.

Well one look at the gallery floor would tell any smart man just exactly how it was going to affect her demeanor. Lindsay skulked around the art-house for the remainder of her screen time, surveying the damage she did and reliving her history with Troy, from his phony wooing of her, to her falling madly in love with him, to him telling her she disgusted him, to him telling her that he to pretend she was Nora just to be able to as much as touch her, to her breaking into his apartment and catching him half-naked, thus reigniting her lust for him. Having all these flashbacks, she was getting angrier by the second, and she picked up a bright shiny silver letter opener just as Troy stepped into the gallery.

There was no small talk, no salutations, no nothin' except the plain old truth: Troy just walked in and said, "Nora and I are engaged." Lindsay told him that she already knew that, and then pointed the letter opener at him and said that regardless, there wasn't going to be a wedding.

A nice weekend for you all, my friends, and I'll see you next week!

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