One Life to Live Update Tuesday 12/24/02
Pictures by Juanita
Merry Christmas everybody, I hope you all had a terrific holiday this year. You can at least take heart in one thing: it couldn't have been any worse than the holiday suffered by our friends in Llanview, at least as evidenced by the Christmas Eve episode of "One Life to Live," wherein just about everyone was miserable to at least some degree.
OK, so I didn't watch yesterday so I was a little lost, but evidently Rae has agreed to divorce Asa in exchange for 90% of his fortune. And I'm pretty sure Asa has no idea about that last part, because when Max took him the divorce papers today, he didn't mention it. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Rae walked into the Palace bar and saw Renee -- who now sports one of the most atrocious female hairdos in the entire history of this series; I was sitting there praying to God that it was just a wig -- chugging from a bottle of whiskey, continuing her lush routine. Rae immediately grabbed the bottle from her hand and told her that she doesn't need the alcohol anymore now that she has agreed to divorce Asa; Renee replied that Rae needs to rub a lamp if she believes that Asa is just going to fork over all of his riches over something silly like ending a marriage -- that he'd "rather stay married to the Wicked Witch of the West before he'd let somebody clean him out like that" -- and that if Rae doesn't believe her, she should just consult with his most recent ex-wife -- Gabrielle, you amnesiacs! -- who conveniently had just walked in with Nigel. Apparently, these two went to see the Llanview ballet's production of "The Nutcracker" and are now topping it off with a vodka stinger or two.
Why didn't Bo take Gabby to the ballet? you ask. Well he was too busy comforting the distraught Viki again. But I'm getting to that.
"So did Asa give you a generous divorce?" Rae asked Gabrielle (whose new 'do, by the way, isn't much spiffier than Renee's). "Generous?!" Gabby asked incredulously. "Pshaw!" She then informed Rae that he threw her out on the street without so much as a dime. "Do you see?" Renee asked Rae before retrieving the whiskey bottle.
And as she was leaving the bar, Rae ran into her old flame Hank, who had been listening to Rae and Renee's discussion. Hank was excited to hear that Rae and Asa were kaput, and told her he couldn't wait to see how this one played itself out. (You and me both, babe.)
So I'm not sure how Max got hold of the divorce papers, but anyway he rushed them right over to Asa to show him Rae's signature. Like I said, he glossed over the monetary demands stated in them (and Asa neglected to read the fine print, natch!), and then Max said he could have the papers just as soon as Asa gets Roxy to leave him. No sweat, Asa said. "I've got that lush drinking beer right out of the palm of my hand," he said. "Which isn't difficult," Max replied.
A big fat amen to that, kids. Speaking of Roxy, she was paid a visit by her son Rex, the town's most annoying horsefly. He went over there looking for Jessica (which is too lame for words -- why on earth would Jessica go over there?!) because her entire family is worried about her. Roxy told her son that she'd pass that along to Jessie's grandfather the next time she sees him. Rex was confused, so Roxy explained with a straight face that Asa is so crazy about her that he can't see straight -- "or at all," Rex interjected -- and that he's ready to give Max a run for his money. Rex encouraged his mom to go for it -- I believe his words were "hop on that gravy train" -- and Roxy -- because it takes one to know one, you see -- immediately recognized that Rex is seeing even bigger dollar signs than she is at the thought of being Mrs. Asa Buchanan. Nonsense! Rex insisted. He just wants to see his mommy happy, and she'll never be happy with Max Holden because he treats her like dirt. Roxy can't really argue with that even though she's madly in love with Max. Which is why, after Rex leaves and Roxy gets a phone call from Asa, she agrees when he suggests that they spend Christmas in the finest hotel suite in New York City, and she runs to pack a suitcase.
(Now, the real story in all these Roxy scenes in this episode... was how absolutely, unimaginably tacky that house is. I'm talkin' leopard-skin-print EVERYTHING -- from pillows to wrapping paper -- and this fur-lined martini shaker and... truly the coup de grace: this awful Christmas tree, with frosted white branches and playing cards for ornaments. I kid you not. It's the most hideously tacky Christmas tree we've seen on this show since that year that Dorian had that gold tree with little pictures of Cassie covering the whole damn thing.)
Todd showed up at Llanfair for absolutely no reason at all, and he harassed Cristian and Natalie for a spell -- "what are you doing, running through all of my nieces?" Todd asked Cris. "With a stopover in the Rappaport family?" he added. Cris was unamused, though the mention of Jen's family reminded the stud that he still needs to break up with her. So he headed off to the loft to finally end it.
Little did he know that Mitch was there already, informing Jen of Cris' intentions to finally, once and for all, break up with her. She was furious of course, but Mitch informed her that they could still help each other, that all was not quite lost. Jen perked up at the idea (or was it that she's excited to have finally found somebody more devious than she is that she isn't related to?), and Mitch informed her that he has a new plan that can work to both of their advantages.
So Cris showed up a short time later and just told her straight out that he'd been with Natalie and that it was over between them. (Why he couldn't have been that straightforward a month ago when this whole thing started escapes me, but whatever.) Jen told him that she figured as much, and told him that it's all OK, she's fine with this breakup, that he was her first love and she'll never forget him and he's a good person and she hopes that Natalie still wants to be friends. All this great stuff. I mean, she really laid it on thick. Then she hugged him, and you could see the evil scowl all over her face, clear as day. Then Cris sensed an opportunity to make a graceful exit and told Jen goodbye one last time, and as he was leaving, Jen handed him a Christmas gift and wished he and Nat both a happy holiday.
When Cris was outside the loft, he looked down at the gift, whose name tag said: "To the father of our baby, from Jen." Cute. And inside the apartment, Mitch stepped out from the bedroom, and congratulated Jen for seeing things his way.
Anybody else got a bad feeling about this one?
Meanwhile, at the carriage house, Jessica was reeling from the revelation that Viki allowed Mitch to steal her from the hospital. These scenes were fabulous, by the way, and they proved succinctly and irrevocably my point from last Friday's recap that when Erika Slezak's scenes are well-written, she seems absolutely flawlessly effortless in her acting, and when they aren't well-written, she struggles like you've never seen anyone struggle. These scenes with Erin Torpey today were terrific, and both women delivered them with gusto and aplomb.
Anyway, so mother and daughter were both crying as the facts began to sink in to Jessica's mind like so many dominoes falling. Jessica was crushed to realize that Viki didn't put up any kind of fight at all, she just let Mitch steal her right out of the hospital, and that she couldn't even blame it on Niki Smith this time. Viki tried desperately to explain that she was horrified when she found out about this, to which Jessica immediately snapped, "No, when you REMEMBERED." Jessie couldn't understand why Viki didn't fight, or tell Clint, or anything, then decided that it was all because of Mitch, that Viki was so disgusted that Mitch was Jessie's father that she simply allowed Mitch to take her and then blocked it out, and that if Mitch hadn't engineered the baby switch that Viki would never have known about her or gone looking for her at all. "No," Viki insisted, and begged her daughter to believe that that was not at all true, that somehow they would have found each other. Jessica was appropriately horrified at all of this, and tearfully informed Viki that she never wants to see her ever again, then stormed out, leaving Viki devastated.
Bo stopped by a bit later to comfort her, to tell her anew that none of this was her fault, and that she would get Jessica back, that Jessie just needs a little time to deal with all of this.
Jessica, meantime, ran into Natalie up at Llanfair, and informed her sister that she and she alone is Clint's daughter, that she's the daughter that Viki really wanted. Natalie was confused and disbelieving and then Jessica revealed to her that Mitch was her father, and she's got the DNA testing results to prove it. Natalie was stunned and horrified, and tried the same tack that Viki tried: trying to convince Jessica that Viki and Clint both love her and will always love her and nothing will ever change that. Jessica didn't buy it from her either, asking simply: "Why should I trust you? You went off and married the psycho monster!" No snappy comebacks for that one were forthcoming, so Jessie told Natalie the same thing she told their mother: she never wants to see her, to see any of them, ever again.
And with that, I'm off to play with my new digital camera. Merry Christmas everybody, see you all tomorrow!!
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