OLTL Update Friday 12/20/02

One Life to Live Update Friday 12/20/02

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita



Well it was just another Friday in Llanview on the latest installment of "One Life to Live" and you know exactly what that means, kids: plot holes, inconsistencies, complete absence of continuity, and maddening exchanges that strain logic -- make that sift logic.

Yep, just another day in wintry Pee-Ay.

Lindsay spent the entire episode either sulking in Troy's office or sulking just outside Troy's office. She went there with a fascinating offer for the doc: she promised not to tell Nora anything about Joanna until after Christmas, so long as he didn't spend any part of Christmas with Nora. No, she actually said it pretty much just like that. I don't know, something about how she's still angry with him over his treatment of her last Christmas, pretending he was in love with her and making love to her. (Hard to believe that was just a year ago, isn't it? Doesn't it feel like it's been about three hundred?) So basically Lindsay wants Troy to feel as miserable and alone on Christmas Day as he ended up making her feel after his whole scheme came to light. Something like that. Of course, Troy more or less told Lindsay to pound salt, that he was spending the holiday with his beloved whether she liked it or not, and that she could do whatever the hell she felt like doing. Lindsay took that as her cue to pull out yet another ace: a Pennsylvania marriage license. We didn't get to see any of the names on it but I'll just go ahead and assume that the space for "groom" is marked "Dr. Troy." "Where did you get this?!" Troy asked in a huff. "I did my homework," Lindsay replied triumphantly. Troy tried his little mind game one more time of making her think that he'd be on the first plane out of town the minute she tells Nora the truth, and as she was pondering that one, Sam came barging in to Troy's office rather inexplicably, and Lindsay dropped the copy of that marriage license. But of course it was all folded up nice and neat so Sam didn't see anything that was on it, and Troy retrieved it and put it at the bottom of a pile of paper on his desk. Lindsay then said her farewells to the men in her life and left, leaving those two crazy boys to discuss the other thing they have in common. Nora.

Sam told Troy that he would have Matthew Christmas Eve so that if Troy and Nora wanted to make plans, they were free to do so. Troy told Sam that they really didn't have any earth-shattering plans made except to just be together. Well that set Lindsay's red alert off. (You didn't think she actually left, did you? She took up her post right outside Troy's office and listened to every single word Sam and Troy said.) Sam was wondering if Lindsay was harassing Troy and Nora again, and Troy said not to worry about it, that he could handle her. "Yeah but you shouldn't have to," Sam said. (Neither should we, Sammy, neither should we.) True enough, Troy said, but I've still got her under control. Sam then offered to invite Lindsay to spend Christmas with himself and Jen, so as to distract her for at least a day. Troy said the cordial equivalent of "I wouldn't wish that on my worst freakin' enemy" and sent Sam on his way.

Now, the whole time I was watching their quite civil conversation, all I was thinking about was: did I miss the part where these two became fast friends? Didn't they hate each other a short time ago? Now all of a sudden they're comparing notes on Nora, on Lindsay, on Blair for crying out loud! (Troy actually asked him how Blair was faring (!), and Sam continued to bemoan her "lack of lucidity.") Just bizarre.

Anyway, so Sam left the office and saw his ex-wife standing there, obviously eavesdropping. "I'm getting a prescription filled," she lied. (Umm, Lindsay, they don't usually do that at hospitals, babe, and certainly not on the office floors.) The look on Sam's face said so clearly, "Yeah, I'll bet," but he just smiled and walked on, clearly grateful that he's no longer married to the sociopath.

Meanwhile, Nora and Keri were off investigating the jewelry designer lady -- whose name I believe was Daphne but I'm not sure -- whom Nora believes made the copy of Troy's amulet for Lindsay. (May I tell you what struck me about these scenes that any writer worth his salt would latch onto in a heartbeat? It's how interesting these two ladies actually are when we're not being force-fed their respective flat-tire romances every single day. Now, of course we always knew that Nora was fascinating, but we've never had a chance to really evaluate Keri because she and Antonio were thrust together almost immediately upon her joining the show. Anyway, I digress....) So Nora and Keri were asked to sign the guest registry -- a convenient plot point, natch! -- and then, as Nora began looking around for something to prove her hunch that this was the pay dirt she was looking for, Keri pretended to be looking for something for Antonio. No problem, Daphne (?) said, just fill out this handy questionnaire -- another convenient plot point! -- so that I can get a better handle on your personality. Bingo! thought Nora. "Do you have all of your customers fill out a questionnaire?" she asked. "Yes I do," Daphne responded, "and then I put them in this drawer right here until the customers visit again." (Jesus, Daphne, why don't you tell them where you keep the gun and how to open the safe in the back while you're at it!) Nora knew it was definite pay dirt that she had hit, so she got Keri to spring into action and distract Daphne so she could get a crack at the questionnaires and find one from Lindsay. So Keri pretended to have been interested in something from the outside window display, which left Nora alone in the store. Nora began looking through the questionnaires and discovered that they were in order by date, not name. She was at a loss for a sec, not knowing when exactly Lindsay came into the store, but then she remembered the guest registry and quickly began thumbing through it. Immediately, she ran across an entry that said "Lindsay Rappaport, October 15." And then, to Nora's surprise, a few names down the page, she ran across an entry that said "Troy MacIver, October 15."

"The same day?!" Nora -- once upon a time the smartest woman on television, mind you -- asked incredulously. (Cue the ominous organ music here, folks.)

Meanwhile, Blair was still going stir-crazy in the penthouse. She was holding Jack and showing him the Christmas tree and talking to him about Todd and how she's still confused as to her feelings for him. When she realized that Todd was listening in on every word she was saying, she started calling him -- to Jack, to this poor defenseless kid! -- "slime" and "disgusting" and you can fill in the rest. Todd was of course unamused. (So, not coincidentally, was I, but that's another story.) As these two were gearing up for round umpteen thousand, the doorbell rang. "Get upstairs," Todd ordered to Blair, who complied. But it wasn't a mob assassin, it was just Sam's delivery boy with some "legal papers" and a present for Blair. Todd tried to hide the present but Blair caught him; however, she just wrongly assumed that the gift was from Todd, and she opened it excitedly.

Diamond ring? Tickets to the Bahamas? No, just a videotape of Starr's Christmas pageant, which the proud parents watched joyously (and which Todd was all too happy to take credit for). Starr did a little solo on "Jingle Bells" and Blair was stunned at her daughter's talent, as was Todd. And they were obviously having a bonding moment as they watched the tape, they were obviously growing closer... until, at the end of the tape, Sam popped up on the screen to wish Blair a Merry Christmas and to apologize for his lack of recording skills. Blair realized that the gift was from Sam, not Todd, and went all the way back to hating Todd again, shooting him that evil death glare.

Viki, Natalie, and Cris were stuck in a series of pointless scenes every single time they were onscreen today. Viki was horrified to learn that Jessica is back in town and announced that she had to get back to Llanfair as soon as possible! Whereupon she spent the next thirty minutes talking to Cris and Natalie about needing to get back to Llanfair as soon as possible! I kid you not.

Jessica, in the meantime, had already heard the awful news -- from creepy Mitch himself -- that her father isn't really her father. Jess refused to believe it at first, but Mitch kept at it and at it, explaining about the twins-by-two-fathers concept and the DNA results that confirm all of this. He then told her that the reason he had the babies switched was so that his daughter could grow up in the lap of luxury, having the best life she could possibly have.

Now, at some point -- again, rather inexplicably, but really who's keeping track anymore? -- Jessica and Mitch ended up in the carriage house, where the conversation continued. Lots of sobbing and crying and whatnot ensued from Jessica as she struggled to come to terms with what Mitch was laying out for her.

Meanwhile, Viki and the nitwits stormed into Llanfair like it was D-day looking for Jessica, but all they found was that annoying horsefly Rex, who confirmed that Jessica had already been there. With Mitch. Viki was appropriately horrified.

(I know I'm getting off-topic again, but something else struck me today, and it's fascinating: when Viki scenes and Viki storylines are badly written and horridly conceived, you can ALWAYS tell that Erika Slezak is acting, because she always overplays it in an attempt to overcome the material. A perfect case in point was today -- every scene she was in was positively pointless, and you could totally tell that Erika knew it too, because she spent the entire hour straining.)

Anyway, after Cris' search of the quarry and Break Bar and Jessica's other haunts turned up nothing, Viki surmised that she might still be on the grounds so she went off to find her.

Of course, the damage has already been done, especially after Mitch dropped his most devastating bombshell: he informed Jessica that he didn't have to kidnap her from the hospital... because Viki handed her over willingly. "No, she wouldn't give up her baby," Jess insisted. "She did," Mitch told her. "Because she knew the truth," he added. "She knew I was your father, and she couldn't stand the sight of you."

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