OLTL Update Tuesday 12/10/02

One Life to Live Update Tuesday 12/10/02

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita

Could that be a glimmer of hope I see galloping across the horizon, friends? Here I was, watching Tuesday's episode of "One Life to Live," thoroughly unamused at having to sit through yet another installment almost fully devoted to the worst storyline in the history of television, when all of a sudden near the end of the show, Keri got a phone call from Dr. Conklin, then announced to Antonio that they have to go to the hospital. There's something wrong with the baby.

Dare I hope?!

I'd just like to send this out to the departing Gary Tomlin and his crack, also-out-the-door writing staff: if you guys make, as your final strategic move involving this show, putting this inane tale six -- no, make that fourteen -- feet under where it belongs, I swear to Jesus I'll recant everything I ever said about how stupid how quickly this show has become. I'll consider it my own tiny version of the Christmas miracle and all will be forgiven, I swear up and down.


OK, Suzanne's probably ready to kill me so let's get to the recap. I'll go ahead and cover the parts of the episode not related to this paralyzingly ridiculous story, so as to give you guys a little oasis in this desert of frustrating nonsense. Natalie was at the police station with Viki, Cristian, and Bo; I didn't watch yesterday so I'm not sure what she was going to tell them, but it doesn't really matter because Mitch showed up just in the nick of time. And he sensed that Nat was about to blow the whistle on him and his blackmailing misdeeds, so of course he couldn't have that. Cristian told him to get lost, as did Bo. "Isn't the police station open to all citizens, commish?" asked Mitch. "Not when you're harassing" -- one r or two, it looks weird both ways -- "my niece," Bo valiantly replied. Then Cristian had yet another complete thought! (Seriously, it was so obvious that a few of his synapses were firing that you almost SAW the lightbulb pop on above his head. I kid you not.) "He's threatening you, isn't he?" young Senor Vega asked Natalie. (Memo to Cris: DUH!) And as Natalie was about to cave, Mitch cryptically reminded her that he would kill Cristian if she disobeyed his orders. So then Viki and Cris both tried to tell Natalie that it's OK to tell the truth, that Mitch won't hurt her, but Nat was focused on her hubby's evil glare, and on that pesky promise to murder the man she really loves, so she told them all that she's made a terrible mistake, and that "Michael" is a changed man. Viki was baffled by her daughter's turnaround, Bo was angry by it, and Cris just stood there like the king doofus that he is. She then told them all that she has promised her life to this man and intends to honor her marriage vows. "But you love me Natalie, I know it," Cris said, dumbfounded. "No," Natalie lied, "I don't. Not anymore." She then really laid it on thick by lambasting him for stringing Jen along for months and then suddenly "deciding" that he didn't love Jen anymore, and told him he has no idea what the word "love" even means. She then left with Mitch, who was gloating as he departing Bo's office despite Viki and Bo's promises that they'll continue to watch his every move.

The Laurences returned to their lovely home, where Mitch was absolutely furious with Natalie for almost betraying him. He then told her in no uncertain terms that the next time she gets out of her lockstep, he'll kill anyone -- not just Cristian -- that gets in his way. This included Rex, who I guess did something yesterday to piss Mitch off. "Do you understand?" Mitch asked his terrified wife. "Yes sir," she replied.

Meanwhile, at the police station, Viki and Cristian were still trying to understand what they had just seen. Bo told them that legally there was nothing he could do: Natalie is a legal adult, and she has married this man of her own free will, and she has left with him of her own free will. Cris insisted that he would not just sit around and do nothing, that he would do whatever it takes to get Natalie away from this man, legal or otherwise. Viki agreed that it had to be done and fast, and Bo said that officially there was nothing he could do except discourage them from acting on their own. Then he said that unofficially, whatever they needed he'd get for them. Then Cris said that he had a plan, that there was something they could do. Tonight.

Now, the obvious question here is: Cris is the brain trust behind this rescue operation?! CRIS?! Anyone else got a bad feeling about this one?

Todd got himself all dressed up in a nun's habit -- and insisted that Blair do the same -- in a very painfully unfunny segment of this episode. I don't know, something about Blair wanting to go see Addie at St. Ann's, Addie may be dying, blah blah blah. Anybody else out there agree with me that restoring these two characters to their ORIGINAL incarnations just MUST be at the very top of Josh Griffith and Michael Malone's to-do list when they return to this show's head writing team early next year? I mean honestly, these two have veered so far away from what they were originally designed to be to each other that none of their scenes resonate at all anymore. Todd has become, for many reasons too vast to go into here, a total (and totally unwatchable) caricature, and Blair is being written as something she never ever was: helpless.

Isn't it maddening?!

So anyway, sorry I got off-topic. So Todd and Blair dressed up like nuns and sneaked into St. Ann's, and somehow got their hands on a meal tray so they could pretend to be going around delivering dinner to all the crazy people, and of course they got stopped by one of the real nuns, and of course Blair talked their way out of trouble (by pretending to be "Sister Monica" and "Sister Anna Nicole" -- pshaw!) and of course Blair got in to see Addie, and of course just seeing Blair made Addie start to feel better, and just as I was nodding off, Todd -- out in the hallway waiting for Blair to wrap it up -- got caught. By Hank of all people. "Hello Sister Manning," Hank said, clearly looking as unamused as I was.

Hank was there interviewing somebody-or-other, I forget the excuse and it doesn't matter anyway (but let it suffice to say it's probably not something a real DA would ever do), and he ran into Antonio. (I forget why he was there also, and it's equally unimportant.) Antonio decided to take the opportunity to again ask Hank why he's so angry. Hank tried to blow him off again by saying he's just overworked and busy and harried, but Antonio didn't buy it and, sensing somehow that this acrimony involved Keri in some way, started in about how much he loves Keri and would do anything to make her happy and all this. "Oh yeah?!" Hank practically shouted. "How are you going to be able to do that when you slept with her mother?!"

(Memo to Hank and Antonio: obviously, the best way to keep a secret is to yell it out in a public place. I mean, I know it's a mental hospital and all, but still....)

"How did you--?" Antonio started, stunned. "It doesn't matter how I know, I just do!" Hank yelled back, and then listened as Antonio tried to explain himself -- how it just happened (the classic soap excuse; don't you ever wish it would "just happen" in real life, just once?), how he had just shot Ben, how this woman just magically helped him, how he had no idea who she was, how it, once again, JUST HAPPENED! Then Hank very calmly laid it out for Antonio: this news will destroy Keri, especially if she hears about it the wrong way. Antonio had no excuse or argument for that one, he just nodded his head in silent agreement.

Meanwhile, at Capricorn -- which we learned today is Keri's astrological sign (at least, I learned that today, maybe we knew that all along) -- Liz and RJ had drinks and talked about the past and grew closer. And OK, even if I admit that I'm warming up to this coupling, I still hate every single thing about this storyline and want it to go away.

And last but not least, Keri got paid a visit from Carlotta today. Her madre-in-law-to-be brought over Christmas cookies, and told Keri that Christmas dinner would be at two o'clock sharp and she and Antonio were both expected. (To which I said, "What?!" She's got Christmas dinner planned three weeks ahead of time, right down to launch time and everything? In my family, we barely even know the dinner plans on Christmas MORNING for crying out loud, much less what time it'll be! But I digress....) Keri tried to tell her that she and Antonio have a busy day scheduled on the 25th, including dinner with Liz and Hank, dinner with RJ, dinner with Keri's dean, dinner with some professors. Carlotta wouldn't take no for an answer and told her once again that dinner was at two o'clock sharp. "OK," Keri relented. "Can I bring anything?" Carlotta replied, "Just my son," and then left.

Not long after, Antonio returned home to Keri, looking not a little guilty, sad, and ready to spill his guts about his indiscretions with Liz. And just as he was about to, Keri got that aforementioned phone call from Conklin and told Antonio there's a problem with the baby.

Which, incidentally, is exactly what I've been saying since this pregnancy fiasco was unleashed weeks ago....

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