OLTL Update Thursday 12/5/02


One Life to Live Update Thursday 12/5/02

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita
Proofread by Boo

So I'm sitting here, racking my fertile little brain, practically sweating; I'm trying so hard to think of one good thing about Thursday's episode of "One Life to Live." Then, like a lightning bolt, it hits me: ABC finally, finally, FINALLY aired their golden-egg Whitney Houston interview last night. Which means we don't have to sit through an advertisement for it every damn commercial break. (If they'd hype their soaps like this, their ratings woes might be solved, true?)

Listen, you gotta take what you can get, and what we got today was slim pickins, friends. But it's my job, so I'll tell you all about it anyway.

Rae actually made an appearance today! Hey stranger! (I know I'm in the minority here, but I love the hell out of this character, and it has everything to do with the fact that Linda Dano could read the ingredients off of a can of Alpo and make it riveting television. She's that good an actress.) As hard as Nigel tried to keep her at bay, Rae walked in on Asa and Roxanne ("the blonde bimbo," as Asa called her) in his office. Roxy was beckoned by Asa because he wanted to gauge her interest in another "wild night" -- minus a trip to the pokey, of course. And when Rae interrupted them, he covered by yelling at Roxy about her mistreatment of Jessica, so as not to raise Rae's suspicions.

Rae showed up because she wanted her husband to sign a letter of recommendation nominating her to the hospital's board of directors. Seems she's quite eager to stick it to all the doctors and "stuffed shirts" that got her fired. (Because her firing had nothing at all to do with the fact that she's not a real psychiatrist! Pshaw!) "Oh, what the hell do I care?" Asa huffed, signing the paper and sending her away so that he could get back to the important business of charming Roxy.

In the meantime, Max decided to try to pull Renee into his and Asa's little scheme of getting rid of their wives. But before he got the chance to lay out the plan for Renee, she went off on him about pretending to be her son. Well, not coincidentally, Max and I had the exact same question: wasn't that, like, a hundred and fifty years ago? Why bring this up now? (OK, so it was two questions.) Because, Renee told him bitterly, you cost me precious time with my real son. "And now he's in a real coma! And it's your fault!" she concluded. (That sounds like some Lindsay logic to me, but whatever.) Max repented anew for his misdeeds, at which time Renee admitted that it feels like she's lost two sons now. Then, of course, they kissed and made up, and then Max went for it. "I know you still love Asa," he told her as a prelude, as a warm-up to confessing that he's got a plan to run Gretel Rae Cummings out of town on a rail. And he needs Renee's help. Now, we didn't actually get to hear the plan, so I can't comment on it as yet, but Renee hesitated for a bit before remembering that she -- rather irrationally -- despises Rae. "I'm in," she told her former son twice removed.

Hey! Big news! We actually got to see someone's chest beside Dr. Troy's in this episode! Today's lucky shirt-shucker was Seth, who I'm here to tell you has an excellent body. Some of the sharpest abs I've ever laid grateful eyes on. Anyway, Seth and Jessica made love today in their hotel room after he calmed her fears and whines about having to leave Llanview and her family. He told her it's only for a little while, and they should take advantage of the romantic aspects of their forced getaway, and so they hit the sheets. Afterward, Jessica reached for her cell phone to call Viki, and found more text messages from Mitch. Three of 'em, to be exact. Viki told her to just ignore them, don't answer them, and make sure that she and Seth are safe. Jessica asked about Natalie, and Viki admitted finally that Nat hadn't left town yet, but she skipped the part about Natalie being married to the man they're all afraid of.

That whole mess got a little trickier today. Cristian showed up at Mitch's house to fetch Natalie, and Natalie -- terrified that Mitch might actually kill the boy -- grabbed her husband and planted a smooch on his lips that made him see stars. "Are you happy now?" she then wailed at Cristian. "Now that you've seen it with your own eyes?" (Seriously, aren't these tortured young love stories getting to be a bit much these days?) An incredulous Cristian finally conceded defeat and left the newlyweds alone, but he still can't believe Natalie's sudden change of heart.

Meanwhile, inside, Natalie told Mitch that she kept her end of the nefarious bargain, and wanted some kind of guarantee that Cristian wouldn't be harmed. "How do I know he'll be safe?" she asked straight out. "You don't, my darling," he snickered, leering at her. You see, that kiss on the doorstep excited him tremendously -- so much so that he suggested to Natalie that it's time that they went upstairs and consummated their relationship.

(Am I the only one who'd prefer not to have to see that? I'd like a show of hands.)

Meanwhile, Jen was at the hospital talking to that twit Marcy -- who, right behind that whole Keri/Liz/Antonio travesty, is the second-worst thing about this show -- about administering a sedative to someone. Cris in particular. See, Jen had the idea that she could get Cris kinda groggy and then get him into bed and then.... It was at this point that she had a mini-breakdown, and she actually realized how pathetic she was sounding. She then told Marcy that the only thing she could do was go home and hear Cristian out. Then she vowed to let Cristian have it for betraying her, for going behind her back. And she swore to Marcy that she was never going to tell him the truth about the baby, that she was going to make him mourn that loss for the rest of his life without ever knowing it wasn't his child.

(Hate to tell you, Jen, but I don't see a whole lot of mourning happening there. But I digress.)

Anyway, Jen walked into the loft composed and steeled, just in time to hear Cristian tell Antonio that there just has to be another reason why Natalie married another man.

See you all tomorrow!

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