OLTL Update Tuesday 12/3/02

One Life to Live Update Tuesday 12/3/02

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita
Proofread by Boo

Yes, indeed, just when you thought it was safe to turn on your television at one in the afternoon, the worst storyline in the history of "One Life to Live" was once again front and center in Tuesday's episode. Seriously, ABC, can't we have someone just accidentally on purpose push Keri Reynolds down a flight of stairs or something so that we can pretend this Edsel of a plot never existed?


I mean, I'm no sadist, don't misunderstand, but since this show already has more miscarriages per capita than any other series in daytime -- hey, when you add in that pesky "hysterical" pregnancy and Todd's little white lie, Blair's lost, like, five kids on this show -- what's one more?

At any rate, the action got rolling at prestigious Llanview U., in Keri's classroom specifically, where that evil witch Shawna and her hapless lackey Mollie decided to forgo any chance of getting an A this semester by confronting Keri with the campus gossip. Are you really carrying your mother's baby, Shawna asked Keri? 'Cause that's, like, soooo icky! (No, she actually used the word "icky." Or "ick factor." Something like that.) Keri confirmed that it was true, and Shawna started unloading on her about how gross and unnatural it was. Conveniently, Antonio walked in on this trashing of his woman, and told Shawna to shut the hell up, muy pronto! Keri told Antonio that she could fight her own battles and then proceeded to let Shawna have it. And I mean she got the whole unfiltered spiel, about how Liz's body can't withstand a pregnancy because she has a heart condition, about how this baby is the only thing Liz has left of her late husband, about how there's nothing unnatural about a mother's love for her child. Shawna's flippant response was classic: "Well then she shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place!" Which is what I've been saying since the beginning of this whole mess!!

Meanwhile, Hank turned up at Liz's house to see Keri. Liz told him that Keri wasn't there, so what do you think they talked about to pass the time? Oh, come on, you know this one! "The secret"! Liz told Hank one more time that Keri can't find out the truth about the baby. Then -- surprise, surprise, this show is so color-by-numbers these days that it's pathetic -- RJ showed up. His excuse was to see Keri as well, but once he saw Hank and Liz whispering on the front step, he took that as his cue to blast them anew. Hank and Liz both told him where he could get off, and RJ stomped off in a huff.

But wait, there's more. (You didn't think that was it, did you?)

Liz went to RJ's apartment for round two, wherein they had this whole screaming match about how neither one of them forgives the other for all the lies and secrets and pain and heartache that they've flung at each other over the years. I don't know, I really wasn't paying much attention during this part BECAUSE IT'S THIS SHOW'S WORST STORYLINE EVER (!!!), but at some point Liz was wailing at RJ and he reached out and grabbed her and pulled her face close to his and just glared at her intensely. They were just moments away from kissing when the dust cleared.

Speaking of reaching out and grabbing people, good ol' Lindsay was in rare form indeed today. Jen caught her spying on Nora and Troy kissing and demanded an explanation (or did she want tips and inspiration?). So Lindsay took her to the gallery -- I was so glad to see the gallery again... who was running this place while Lindsay was incarcerated? Or flying off to Africa? Isn't it funny how the gallery shows up whenever it's convenient to the story? Kind of like Joey's asthma several years ago? Anyway, Lindsay took her to the gallery and told her the whole story of Joanna and Troy and Colin and Africa. Jen couldn't believe her ears -- not the story, of course, but the fact that Lindsay is just sitting on this information. Why on earth haven't you ruined his life yet? Little Miss Junior Psycho asked her mother. Lindsay tried to sell her with the idea that she doesn't want Nora and Sam to get back together, but Jen didn't buy that one, and Lindsay wasn't up for admitting that she's lusting after Troy, so she made up some crap about having to go meet a client.

That client turned out to be... Troy's chest. Yes, indeed, yet another shot of Ty Treadway's torso was on full display as Lindsay sneaked into Troy's loft after he had gone to sleep, sat down next to him, and placed her hand on his right pectoral. (What, was she trying to figure out if it's real or not?!)

So our Linz can now add "molester" to her long list of criminal behavior.

Before all of this excitement, Troy was actually fully clothed and dealing with Nora and Emily. Emily is still hung up on her nervousness that she's going to accidentally slip to Nora about Joanna's death. Troy told her to get the hell over it already (which, coincidentally, is the EXACT SAME THING I was screaming at my television). Nora tried again to get Emily to tell her what the problem is but Emily wouldn't budge, which only made Nora more suspicious. "I'm not an idiot," Nora told her future sister-in-law.

Hey Nora... sorry to tell you, hon, but these days that's up for debate.

But I digress. Viki and Bo went to Mitch's house for another standoff, and Bo warned Mitch that he'll be watching him carefully, waiting patiently for him to screw up. Then I'm gonna take you down, bucko! Bo said triumphantly. Mitch considered himself duly warned, then told Viki as they were leaving that she needn't worry about Mitch going after Natalie. Because Natalie will be coming to me, he said with that evil grin of his.

And it looks like he's right. At Llanfair, Natalie listened to Cris telling her about trying to break it to Jen that it's all over between them. Then she told him that it wasn't going to be as simple as they had envisioned it to be, because she has decided to stay married to "Michael." Cris was incredulous, baffled by this news, but she finally made him believe it.

Now making me believe it? That's a whole other story, guys.

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