OLTL Update Tuesday 11/26/02


One Life to Live Update Tuesday 11/26/02

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita

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You know, it occurred to me as I was preparing this recap for Tuesday's episode of "One Life to Live" that if there's one good thing about this whole Mitch Laurence mess -- and that's a pretty big if, but go with me on this -- it's that the story itself is moving lightning fast. Like, whiplash fast. The story twists and pops every single day, doesn't it? Kind of refreshing, no? Now if only any of it made sense....

But why quibble?

Viki continued telling Jessica that Mitch is alive and in Llanview and the Buchanans are in danger all over again. "Do you think he's planning something?" Jessica wondered aloud. "Duh!" Viki responded. "He didn't come back to Llanview just to see if Wanda was still running Heavenly Hash!" (Actually, she just said, "Yes, Jessie!" or something close to that; I was just trying my dead-level best to make this as interesting as possible.) Then Viki spent the entire rest of the episode begging Jessica to leave town immediately. Jessica was hesitant at first but Viki kept cryptically insisting that Jess is in extreme danger with Mitch on the loose. Then Seth showed up at Llanfair, and Viki begged him to spirit Jessica away to safety. "Oh, Seth, I can't ask you to give up everything and blah blah blah," said Jessica to her boyfriend. "You sure can!" Seth replied. "Where you go I go." So Jessica went upstairs to pack -- "only what you need," Viki warned... translation: one suitcase! -- and then once Seth had Viki alone he changed his tune a bit. Viki told him that credit cards can be traced and then reached into a desk drawer and pulled out this huge pile of cash and tried to give it to him so that he and Jessica could have money to live on. Seth said he wasn't taking the money because he and Jess weren't going anywhere and that he was calling the cops. "The cops can handle this!" he exclaimed heroically. "Oh please!" Viki shot back. "Those Keystone Cops have botched every single major investigation in this town since before I was born!" (Actually, it was more like, "No, no police," but you get the idea.) So Seth did the only reasonable thing he could under the circumstances: he whipped out his cell phone and threatened to call Bo anyway unless Viki told him the real reason why Jessica was in danger. So Viki hemmed and hawed for a bit, and then finally decided that since she was trusting Seth with Jessica's safety, she could trust him with Jessica's truth, and she came clean: Jessica can't be anywhere near Mitch because Mitch is her father. It's too bad that Jessica came back into the room just as she said that, isn't it? Do you think she heard?

Meanwhile, Natalie was over at Mitch's house, which all of a sudden is completely furnished. Voila! Instant interior decorating! He even has a hat rack! Is this a sly twist on that whole "The Lord giveth and..." theory? Poor naive goofy Nat actually believed that she was just going to go to "Michael" and explain that it was just a big mistake that they got married and poof! instant annulment! ('Cause the Lord giveth and....) So she told him about how Cris and Jen didn't get married after all because Jen lost the baby, and instead of coming right out and saying, "Pshaw! Rub a lamp sister!" Mitch twisted the story around and made Cris sound evil -- something about how Cristian was prepared to stand before God and profess his love for Jen all the while coveting Natalie. (As I was watching this unfold, I wanted to say to my TV, "Mitch, sweetie, neither Cris nor Nat are smart enough to know what the word 'covet' even means! You gotta use one syllable words, baby!") And Natalie said, "Yes, but it was because of the baby!" And Mitch said, "Yes, but the devil took care of that one!" (No, I'm not kidding this time, he actually blamed Jen's miscarriage on the devil. Seriously!) So they went back and forth on this issue for a bit and then Natalie finally said, "Michael, don't you want what's best for me?" Mitch adopted the evil grin and said, "Yes, my darling, and that is not Cristian Vega, a man who desires only what he doesn't have, a man who pursued you when he was pledged to Jen and you were pledged to me."

Checkmate, Natalie!

So it finally dawned on Natalie that her benevolent loving husband wasn't gonna roll over and play dead quite as easily as she had calculated. Fine, she said confidently, and then proceeded to crawl around the house looking for her spine. When she finally caught sight of it right under "Michael's" shoe, she grabbed and reinserted it and said: "I have tried to be nice to you, but you need to listen up, now. I am not asking you, I am telling you: this marriage is damn well over!" It almost scared me how scary her voice got as she was taking this stand. It was almost as scary as the look on Mitch's face. "I'm getting this marriage annuled!" she yelled defiantly, then turned to leave. As she got the door open, Mitch slipped up behind her, blocked and then locked the door, grabbed her from behind, and said, "Pshaw! Rub a lamp sister!" (No, actually it was, "Make yourself comfortable Natalie, you're not going anywhere.")

Well, do you think Cristian had better luck telling Jen that she was history? Oh, don't be ridiculous! He tried, like, seventeen times at the hospital to tell her it was over, but the crafty bitch kept manufacturing these convenient interruptions -- first Marcy, the best friend from hell, then Lindsay (and isn't it hilarious how horrified she is everytime she looks at her daughter and realizes how awful a mother she was to her? Priceless, I tell you, priceless!). But Cris finally got Jen discharged and back home to the loft, where Jen continued trying to stall -- "oh, I need to call my father and tell him I'm home!" she said. "No you don't," he replied as he unplugged the phone, whereupon he proceeded to tell her that when he said he couldn't marry her, he didn't mean he couldn't marry her TODAY, or couldn't marry her NEXT WEEK. He meant he couldn't marry her EVER. Well, he got the words out at least. Who else can't wait to see what kind of devil reference Jen comes up with to describe Natalie?

Speaking of Lindsay, she began having strange daydreams about Troy. Naked. It all started when he stepped out of the shower and found her in his apartment. "What are you doing here?" he asked, and actually let her answer! (As opposed to, like, throwing her out and changing the locks, and don't tell me he's not strong enough to physically remove her from his domicile because honestly, guys, his chest is bigger than hers.) No, these two sworn enemies had, like, a half-hour conversation -- all the same stuff, incidentally, about Joanna and Nora and how he ruined Lindsay's life, nothing new at all -- and the whole time, Lindsay was imagining him naked. Then, that night as she was sleeping, she dreamed that she was naked with him, that he was touching her. It was all strange and bizarre (and not very erotic at all). And then she woke up, incredulous. "Not him!" she said to herself. "I don't even like him!"

You and the rest of us, Lindsay.

I'm off to make the cranberry salad for Thursday's feast now. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!