One Life to Live Update Friday 11/22/02
Pictures by Juanita
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So I was writing my recap of Friday's "One Life to Live" episode just a few minutes ago, and I was almost done, and we had a power surge. Electricity flickered for a few seconds, just long enough for everything to turn off, just long enough for me to LOSE everything that I had written on today's episode. And since I write from memory more or less, I was heartbroken. So here we go again. Let's call this take two.
And for Lindsay and Nora today, it was take 7,584. Yes indeed, these two had yet another acrimonious run-in -- don't worry if you missed it, it was exactly the same as all the other acrimonious run-ins they've had in their four-year-plus history. This one was near the elevator bank at the hospital, where Nora had gone to visit Jen and take her a truly lovely floral arrangement. Lindsay immediately started in blaming Nora for Jen's miscarriage. Nora was incredulous, until Lindsay explained that if she hadn't been in prison, she could've helped Jen prevent the events that led up to her getting pregnant in the first place -- a direct quote from Linz herself: "You wanna know why it's your fault? Because my daughter did things that I could've talked her out of." Now that's shaky logic even for Lindsay, who then trots out her old reliable about how Nora stole every man who ever loved her. At that point the elevator door finally opens, and it's only then that Nora realizes, "Hey, I can get away from this crazy psychotic heifer now!" And so she does.
(Memo to Nora: next time... Take. The. Stairs. Cuts your waiting time in, like, half.)
Next, Lindsay's crosshairs landed squarely upon her second-favorite target: Dr. Troy. She tossed off a few more taunts about Joanna's death, a few more threats about telling Nora all about it, and a few more joyous promises to divebomb his life the way he divebombed hers. Troy responded a little differently this time: he told her to go for it. He conceded defeat, told her to do with her info whatever she pleased, but that she could never change the way he feels about Nora. Besides, he told her, he knows she enjoys torturing him way too much to blow the secret now.
Meanwhile, the most maddeningly inept plotline in the history of the series showed up again: Keri tried again to convince Liz to buy the house they're moving into and settle down in Llanview, and Liz tried again to tell her daughter to rub a lamp. "But Antonio and I are starting our own family soon!" Keri cried. "Our kids can grow up together, they can be best friends!" Yeah, or they can be, like, SIBLINGS! Oh, wait, I forgot, Keri doesn't know the truth about the baby. Which I find hard to believe, because every time Liz and Hank are in the same room together, they TALK ABOUT IT! Jesus, don't these people watch soaps?! Eavesdropping is the number one way these nasty little secrets get out! (FYI: psycho b****es like Lindsay are the number two way. But I digress.) Anyway, Hank showed up at the house to help out with the big move. He saw Antonio -- "half dressed" is how he later described him to Liz, but that wasn't at all true; Antonio was fully clothed the entire episode, albeit in one of those sleeveless numbers he's so fond of, the ones that show off those impossibly muscled arms, but seeing as how Hank was wearing, like, three sweaters in this episode, I guess everyone in town would be considered half-dressed by comparison.
I'm off topic now, big time. Where was I? Oh yes, Hank, the house, Antonio. He saw Mr. Vega and immediately leapt to the wrong conclusion, and started tossing off all these innuendoes and things that flew straight over Antonio's head. "Haven't you helped out enough?!" Hank asked loudly. Oh wait, I forgot! We're trying to convince you that it's not your baby! Dumb me! Hank covered nicely, but when RJ showed up later (and didn't you just see that coming?), he smelled a rat while watching Hank and Liz together, obviously keeping secrets. And Hank warned Liz that Antonio's a good cop, and the truth has a funny way of outing itself sooner or later (especially when, like, supposedly Caucasian babies pop out looking decidedly, you know, Hispanic and all). Don't even get me going on how ridiculous this story is, but I think I'll say it everyday until someone comes along and mercifully ends it.
So Cristian and Natalie were driving along, and Cris swerved to avoid hitting a deer, and drove the car into a bar ditch. Once Natalie woke up from that (after the most unrealistic loss of consciousness ever), they resumed with the verbal foreplay they started at the quarry. (I'm not kidding, they pretty much had the exact same conversation that they had yesterday, only they were sitting in a ditch instead of standing at the quarry.) And Natalie again explained that
A: she doesn't love "Michael"
B: she didn't mean to marry "Michael"
C: she doesn't intend to stay married to "Michael" any longer
and Cris responded with
A: he doesn't love Jen
B: he's very glad he didn't have to marry Jen
C: whew! we dodged a close one with that whole baby thing, huh?
Seriously, isn't it odd that he feels no remorse at all for the fact that his baby died? I mean, not even one tear? It's not like he knows that it wasn't his baby, you know. (Trust me, it's gonna be years before that secret comes out.) Anyway, it's exhausting trying to make sense of anything on this show....
So Cris called for a tow truck, and learned it could be a while because they're "really backed up tonight." And what to do to pass the time? Play Snake on Cris' cell phone? Whip out a laptop and play a round or two of Minesweeper? Oh, wait, I've got it, let's make out!
Marriage vows? What marriage vows?
Dead baby? What dead baby?
The Cris/Natalie portions of the program fade away with lots and lots of fierce kissing and the early stages of clothes removal, so you can guess what's coming (no pun intended).
As for poor poor Viki, her interminably nightmarish standoff with Mitch crawled into day three with no end in sight, as Mitch laid grateful eyes upon his daughter, Jessica. Viki put a quick stop to any conversation betwixt these two by pretty much begging Jessica to go find Seth or something, just get the hell out. Jessica, not at all sensing anything was off -- I guess when Viki's your mother, your instincts and perceptions get a little relaxed -- said, "OK! Nice to meet you!" (or something shockingly close to that) to Mitch, who then proceeded on with the story: he forced Viki to recall that he was in the delivery room the day that the girls were born. "No, Clint was there!" Viki exclaimed. Not so fast, Vik! replied Mitch. He stepped out to tell everyone the good news. And while he gone... poof! Another baby popped out, easy as pie! Ain't it grand! And no one heard Viki screaming or anything and there was no commotion whatsoever, because birthin' babies was a piece of cake in 1986 in Pennsyl-freakin'-vania! (Seriously, some parts of you have to admire the audacity with which the entire history of this show is being rewritten to accomodate this, but wouldn't you die for just one character -- just ONE person -- to look up and say, "Wait a minute. NOTHING in this town makes a lick of sense!!")
Sorry, off topic again. Anyway, Dr. Balsom somehow knew which of the babies was which, and that was a good thing too because Mitch needed to make a clean and fast getaway with his daughter. And that brings us to the Friday cliffhanger: evidently, according to Mitch's story, Viki -- or was it Niki? -- willingly gave up the girl, handed her right over to Mitch. Cue the scary music, and Viki's horror as she struggled to remember whether or not it's the truth. Personally, I'm so confused over this bizarre story that I don't even know which end is up anymore so, you know, whatever.
Have a great weekend, everybody! No power surges this time! See you all next week.