OLTL Update Thursday 11/21/02

 

One Life to Live Update Thursday 11/21/02

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita

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So I feel the need to divide this recap of Thursday's "One Life to Live" episode into two distinct parts: the blunt, in-a-nutshell version, and -- if you're actually brave enough to keep reading beyond that -- the in-depth detail-ridden version. God be with all of you who make it to the end of this text, my friends, because not too much happened on this episode. Basically, Erika Slezak overacted, Roscoe Born miraculously found a few different ways to throw his voice off of that shrill monotone he's been so fond of heretofore, and this show's crack writing staff invoked rule number 74 from the Handbook of Modern Soap Opera, which states: "if you see onscreen two or more people in a car for more than fifteen seconds, there must be some kind of car accident at the end of the scene or episode."

Want more? Really? Okay, last chance.

Fine. Where to even start?

Jen laid this humongous guilt trip on Al for causing her to miscarry, which the goofy lunk swallowed hook, line, and sinker. He apologized several times, she shot him down repeatedly, and then she finally laid it out for him: as far as the world -- well, OK, just Llanview -- was concerned, it was Cristian's baby that died, not Al's, and Jen was in no mood to wreck that illusion. (You see, it seems she's holding on to the ridiculous notion that Cris still wants to marry her. Silly girl!) Anyway, Al tried to get her to see reason on this matter, that it would be better to come clean and let them all have a fresh start, because anyone can see that Jen's not happy. Jen's response to that volley was a resounding "big deal", because who needs happiness when you're out to trap a husband? So she pressured Al to keep quiet about the baby's paternity -- even threatened blackmail, saying she'd turn him in for that little fire he started -- and evidently he agreed, at least for now: Max found Al later, looking all depressed and sad about Jen and the baby, and asked him point blank again if Al was the daddy. Al took the requisite dramatic pause and said no.

Meanwhile, Sam visited his daughter and tried to get her to come home with him when she's released. Jen turned that one down flat, saying she already has a home. With Cristian. Sam got an extremely troubled look on his face that seemed to say, "Oh my God, she's turned into... Lindsay!" He then asked whether or not Jen and Cristian had discussed the future at all, and Jen got very defensive and went into her "everything's fine" mode. Sam played along, saying that he was sure Cris would do the right thing, whatever was in his heart.

Here's the tricky part: what's in his heart is... Natalie! Remember her? Seriously, guys, did I miss the episode where these two fell in love? It just seemed like all of a sudden they decided they were mad for each other, and watching them carry on today, they were acting like the epitome of "star-crossed." It's a little disturbing, isn't it, how fast this has happened? Anyway, Cris found Natalie at the quarry and explained to her that he and Jen aren't married, aren't pregnant, aren't anything but OVER. Cris has only got eyes for Natalie. This week. Natalie listened to the whole story, typically incredulous, and then reminded herself that even though Cris wasn't married... d'oh! She was! Is! To "Michael." But that's OK, she decides. She'll just go to him and tell him it was all just a big mistake, and she didn't mean to fly to Vegas with him and get married, and isn't life just hilarious?! She doesn't actually think that'll fly, does she? Evidently she does, because she heartily accepted Cristian's offer to drive her back to Llanfair to break the news to "Michael" and her mother. Then there's lots of kissing, and liberal usage of phrases like "I feel like I've waited my whole life just for you" and "I feel like I've waited so long for this." No, I'm serious.

But don't lose me yet. Here's where it really gets ridiculous: they're in Cris' car driving to Llanfair, spouting more of these romantic sweet nothings to each other, when all of a sudden Natalie looks up and yells, "Cris! Look out!" and points to something in the road. The camera -- sorry, the car -- swerves, tires screech, you know the drill.

Also, Jessica and Roxanne -- or as Asa called her today, "the dingbat drunk" -- had a rather pointless run-in at Max's. I really don't have a clue why Jess went there or how she ditched Seth so fast, but anyway she spent, like, more than half of this episode sparring with Roxie for no reason at all. Isn't it kind of sad that these two are no longer than mother and daughter? Because in a strange way they have the most chemistry of anybody on this show. Anyway, Jessica looked Roxanne in the face and something to the tune of "I can't imagine a worse parent than you."

Come now, Jessica!

Viki sure can! She spent the entire hour in the library at Llanfair, dealing with Mitch's revelation from yesterday that he, not Clint, is Jessica's father. Mitch then explained all the gory details, of how he got one of his followers to be Viki's substitute housekeeper, and how she drugged a glass of iced tea that Viki then drank, and then Mitch showed up, and he and Viki, or he and Niki, or he and whoever did the deed and conceived lil' Jessica. Viki refused to believe it at first, but he kept on and on until she remembered the night. Then it was time for her to get all indignantly huffy, as she remembered that Jessica and Natalie are twins. "Does this mean you married your daughter?!" she screamed at Mitch. No, silly, he responded. "I didn't say I was Natalie's father! Aren't you paying attention?" I don't know, it was something like that. Just go with it. Mitch explained that Dr. Balsom explained that Viki was impregnated by both Mitch AND Clint, thus one girl for each of the men. And since Natalie was DNA tested against both Viki and Clint, Jessica is Mitch's daughter. Now whether you buy any of that or not is entirely up to you; personally, I think it's a flaming crock of hogwash and Mitch is just messing with Viki's head again. (And isn't that, like, so easy to do?) Anyhow, Viki finally asked the golden question: Why in the hell would Mitch cook up a scheme this diabolical and cruel? And just as he was set to answer her, Jessica walked into Llanfair.

Oooh, suspense!

Also, quickly, the worst storyline in the history of "One Life to Live" got a little airtime today. Yes, you know what I'm talking about, this insipid Keri/Antonio/Liz baby triangle. I don't know, something about how Keri's not supposed to be lifting boxes even though they're moving, or something. And Liz and Antonio had their umpteenth conversation about the baby and how Keri should never find out the truth, as if when that baby pops out and its first words are "Buenos dias, donde esta mi flan?" Keri's not gonna be just a tad suspicious. Pshaw!

And Asa began his plot to seduce Roxie away from Max, and told Max that it's high time he got to work on Gretel. Wasn't Gretel Max's mom for about a minute and a half a few years ago? Seriously, all the bizarre parentage stories on this show are enough to make my teeth itch most days.

But I digress.

See you all tomorrow.