OLTL Update Tuesday 11/19/02

One Life to Live Update Tuesday 11/19/02

By Brandon
Pictures by Juanita

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Finally, finally... FINALLY! After weeks of ridiculous buildup and entirely unnecessary torture (and I DO mean torture -- how pathetic is Lindsay these days, honestly? It's damn near painful to watch), we fine-null-lee learned the whole story of Joanna's death in Africa on Tuesday's "One Life to Live." Was it worth waiting for? Well, read on and decide for yourself, my new friends.

See, evidently -- as Troy explained to Emily, an explanation replete with all the heavy breathing and voice-raising and chest-thrusted posturing that has come to equal "acting" in Ty Treadway's dictionary -- Troy and Joanna were just like every other WASP-ish American couple who moves to Africa to help the underprivileged: blissfully happy at first, but oh how quickly that tide always turns. Joanna realized relatively quickly that she deplored Africa and didn't want to be there anymore; all the while, Troy was becoming more and more accepted by the tribespeople. (By the way, this whole thing unfolds through a rather cheaply-produced series of black and white flashbacks in which you get plenty more gratuitous shots of Treadway's torso -- honestly guys, I'm a gay man and a warm-blooded one at that, and I gotta tell you even I'm getting sick of looking at his chest. Anyone out there in cyberspace looking to start a petition, I'd like my name on it. Seriously. Also, if you look real close during these flashbacks, you see that Joanna bears a striking resemblance to... Nora. They don't make a big deal out of that right now, but I assume that's coming....) Anyway, back to Joanna, who decided the best thing she could do to get back at Troy was to commence flirting with every single man who crossed her path in Africa, in order to stoke her husband's -- the eminently respected MD -- jealousy. And it worked. Because he got jealous. Very jealous. The final straw was when he walked into their bedroom one day and found Joanna pawing another white guy (who miraculously, was buffer than Troy himself, if that's possible). Troy flipped, threw him out, and insisted that Joanna knock it off at once. Well, Joannora looked Troy right in the face and said something like, "Well if you want me to stop, you're just gonna have to make me."

Sounds like a dare to me. You?

Conveniently, Troy got a letter from Colin, who was coming for a visit. Then he got another letter from Colin, who wasn't coming for a visit. Just go with me here, it doesn't have to make sense. Anyway, Troy got a horrid idea in his head: he combed his hair a little different, changed his demeanor a tad, took off his African amulet, walked into the bedroom, and seduced Joanna, made love to her a little differently, a little more forcefully than Troy would have. Then, while they were basking (ahem...), he lied that he was Colin. Joannora was understandably horrified, and ran out of the house, out into the African night, and I guess she forgot that they lived right next to a steep cliff because the last thing Troy heard was his wife's blood-curdling scream as she fell over it.

There. That's the secret. (By the by, if you have the same question I had, which was: "How exactly did Lindsay find all this out?"... well, Troy covered that: he did what any guy would do under these circumstances -- he drowned his sorrows in alcohol in the local African bar and "told the story to anyone who would listen." So there!) Anyway, Emily tried to convince her brother that he didn't murder Joanna, it was just an accident, blah blah blah. He then explained why he came to Llanview, how Nora saved his life, how he wanted to use Colin's money to help people and make up for both of their sins. It was all terribly noble, I assure you. And at the end we got to see Nora and Troy in bed, as well as -- whaddya know? -- another chest shot.

Also, Sam and Todd got into a fistfight at the Palace bar over Blair and the kids (and Sam got in a pretty good shot at Todd's face; unfortunately, it did nothing to alter Todd's bizarre new hairdo). Then, after Todd moved Starr and Jack back into the penthouse, and Todd had deflected most of Starr's questions, Sam showed up there, presumably for round two. As they're getting into it again, Blair magically appeared on the penthouse stairs, just as lucid and with it as she ever was. Hey, wasn't she in Switzerland?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch -- ur, sorry, Llanfair -- Natalie was explaining to Viki that she got married last night. "Did you marry Seth?!" Viki exclaimed (as Brandon chuckled). No silly, she married the guy she hardly knows! Don't you ever watch soaps?! As Natalie tried to reason out to her mother exactly why she has married "Michael Lazarus" -- and of course, Viki's not having any of it -- Cristian was in the -- what, the atrium, the lobby, what do you call it? -- with "Michael" himself. How creepy is this dude? I wasn't watching way back in the day when Mitch was on the loose the first time, but did he always talk like he does now, with that halting clipped enunciative monotone? Because, tell the truth now, if you ever met someone like that in real life, wouldn't you turn and RUN LIKE HELL? I know I would, but not our valiant Cris (who speaks with his own monotone, of course, but he's an idiot so it comes off as cute), who feels no fear as Mitch tells him that Natalie is now his missus and will no longer have any use or need for Senor Vega. Cris tells him he thinks otherwise, then runs off to find Natalie. Natalie, meantime, has told Viki that "Michael" is in the library and can't wait to meet her, and has also told her that she'll love Viki no matter what she thinks of her new husband. (There's an occasion Hallmark needs a card for, true?) Then she went for a drive, and Viki traipsed across her house to meet the new son-in-law. "Mister Lazarus?" she asks in that Viki-voice as she enters the library. "Mister Lazarus?" she asks again. Then he enters through the back door. He's kind of shadowy at first then steps into the light so Viki can see him. "Hello, Viki.... long time no see," he says in that creepy, I-can-squash-you-like-a-bug drone of his. Erika Slezak slips into that horrified I-Don't-Believe-This face that she patented 257 years ago. "M-m-m...Mitch?" she whispers, incredulously, and he very gently nods his head and grins.

Fade to black.

Hey guys, my name is Brandon and I'm recapping Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Hope you all enjoy this as much as I will! Tune in tomorrow!