Y&R Transcript Monday 2/6/17

Y&R Transcript Monday 2/6/17


Provided By Suzanne

Jack: "Plotting my demise"? Gloria, I think you're taking the wrong approach. Don't let the Champagne get to your head.

Gloria: [Laughs] Oh, no, I am stone-cold sober, and I plan on staying that way for at least a half an hour. You know, maybe I should offer you a drink or two to calm your nerves.

Jack: I think not seeing you will do the trick. As for the bubbly, I'll pass. I think you know why.

Gloria: [Chuckles] Yeah, because we know alcohol turns you into a back-alley Siamese tom who can't get enough of my catnip.

Jack: [Hushed] Could you keep your voice down?! We agreed not to mention a certain night again.

Gloria: We agreed to help each other with a certain business acquisition, except one of us came through and one of us didn't.

Jack: I told you repeatedly. Getting you hired is not in my control.

Gloria: Yeah, yeah. That's your spin and you're sticking to it.

Jack: You know what? I think we're done here.

Gloria: Well, yeah, we may be done, but the show's about ready to start, and I don't think you're gonna want to miss this, Jack.

Phyllis: What are you doing?

Billy: Same thing you're doing.

Phyllis: I am trying to end a moment of temporary insanity.

Billy: Is it insane for two single adults to admit that they're hot for each other? Come on. You miss me just as much as I miss you.

Phyllis: You stop it. You stop it. That was not about me.

Billy: Well, maybe you blacked out from the excitement, so let me show -- ahh!

Phyllis: You know what? That is for trying to use me to get back at Victoria.

[Reed, Johnny, and Katie laugh]

Reed: And the troll Reed that I was telling you about, he lives right underneath this house we're in.

Katie: Like what?

Reed: Well, he's in a troll tunnel five feet underground. Underneath us right now! And it's cold and dark in there, but he has Wi-Fi 'cause he's so close to the house.

Johnny: More, more!

Reed: [Chuckles] Okay. So, like trolls do, he's got magical powers.

Johnny: Like what?

Reed: Like guessing Wi-Fi passcodes. Lucky for him, huh? So whenever he wants, he can log on and check his troll mail and shop on his favorite website, trollsrus.com.

[Reed and Katie laugh]

Hilary: All you have to do is sign where the arrows are, and you will be single and free. Don't worry, I made sure that the attorney was very thorough, so there's no hidden surprises.

Devon: Except for one, and it's kind of major.

Hilary: What? No. That can't be.

Devon: Yeah, there's nothing in there about the divorce settlement.

Hilary: That's correct. I don't want anything else from you.

Devon: Really? And you really expect me to believe that?

Hilary: Guess not. But I can't think of a way to make it more clear than with a binding legal contract. If you'll excuse me, I have a show to do.

Reed: So the troll needs to borrow a phone charger, but he doesn't want anybody to see him, especially jenny and cootie, the brother and sister who live in the house above the troll tunnel. But he has no choice because he's waiting on a message from an extremely cute fairy princess named Zoey. Even though the troll Mommy doesn't like fairy princess Zoey. So you guys please don't tell the troll Mommy.

[Katie and Johnny laugh]

Reed: Oh, um, hi. Uh, guys, Mom's home.

Victoria: Hi.

Reed: Hi.

Victoria: Hi! Oh! Who's having fun, huh?

Katie: Us!

Victoria: You? Hmm. Do you know what else is really fun?

Johnny: What?

Victoria: Brushing your teeth before bed.

Both: No!

Victoria: Yes, it is. Come here, little stinkers!

Katie: [Chuckles] [Whispers]

Victoria: Oh! Uh, I'm sure that Reed would love to tuck you into bed, but I'm sure he has other things that he wants to do.

Reed: Well, if you guys have super-clean teeth, then maybe we can do five more troll minutes before lights out. If it's cool with mom.

Victoria: Yeah, okay, okay. But only five minutes, all right? And teeth first. Teeth first.

Reed: I didn't hear you come in.

Victoria: Yeah, I know. I was quiet. I was enjoying listening to your story. Sounds like fun.

Reed: Yeah. I had fun, too.

Victoria: Yeah? I guess Hannah had a pretty easy shift today. I hope she at least emptied the dishwasher.

Reed: I'm gonna go tuck them in. Five minutes, hard out.

Victoria: Okay. It's nice that they're interested in something other than video games and 3d movies and all that, so... thank you.

Reed: Seriously, n-b-D.

Victoria: No. Seriously, totes b-D.

Reed: "Eye-wise."

Victoria: What?

Reed: "If you say so." I-y-s-S.

Victoria: Oh, yeah. Right. Got it.

Reed: [Chuckles]

Victoria: Got it. I mean, I actually -- I knew that, so... [Chuckles]

Billy: Yes, yes, I followed you, but only to apologize, if you'll let me. Please. You were right. You called it correctly back at Jabot. I was angry at Victoria. She's my number-one trigger, and you're my favorite vice. Sorry. That came out wrong. You're my friend, Phyllis, okay, and I care very much about you, so please don't feel any disrespect about the...kiss.

Phyllis: You have boundary issues. Has anyone ever suggested that to you?

Billy: Everybody my entire life. It's no secret. I am not perfect.

Phyllis: No, you definitely are not, and you overstepped big time. That is your problem. And this is not working.

Billy: "This"?

Phyllis: Yes, this whole "friendship with your ex" thing. I'm not very good at it, and neither are you.

Billy: Oh, I don't know about that. Actually, I'm pretty good at it. I mean, I'm friends with you and Victoria.

Phyllis: No, those are not friendships with your exes. That is you trying to get back with both of us.

Billy: [Clears throat]

Phyllis: And I think you honestly believe that you will live happily ever after with whomever says yes first.

Billy: That is not true.

Phyllis: I am not playing these games, all right? I have a very important meeting, so please leave.

Billy: Okay. Good luck.

Jack: I'm sure I'm going to regret asking this, but what show am I missing outside of this attention-starved performance you're giving me right now?

Gloria: You're gonna have lots of regrets. But not for watching GC buzz with me.

Jack: Why would I care to watch anything with you?

Gloria: Because I hear tonight's all-new episode is gonna be -- [Imitates explosion] -- Really explosive, and the whole town's gonna be talking about it.

Jack: Tell me you haven't pulled some embarrassing, disgusting stunt.

Gloria: [Chuckles] Shh. Jack, it's getting ready to start. It's exciting.

Jack: Gloria, what have you done?

Gloria: You really should be watching the show, Jack. If you're out of the loop, [Clicks tongue] You're gonna feel like a real idiot.

Hilary: Hello, Genoa city. I am Hilary Curtis with a special edition of buzz. Let's go straight to my new co-host, Mariah Copeland, who has an exclusive story that you won't want to miss. Mariah, please tell us everything.

Mariah: Thank you, Hilary. That's what I'm here for. Tonight's top buzz concerns a topic that is depressingly familiar, but that doesn't make it any less disturbing. It's a first-person account of sexual harassment in the workplace as told by Clarissa, a woman who was unwilling to stand for the intimidation for one more day.

Jack: All right, you've got me, Gloria. You're a vicious, little prankster. But surely you are not delusional, vicious, vindictive enough --

Gloria: Tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch, tch! He asked me to consult on a major deal he was putting together. And if successful, he promised that he would hire me in a permanent role.

Mariah: And what happened then?

Gloria: The deal closed. And my contributions were vital to its success. He never let me forget that he was the boss, and then he made it very clear that he wanted sexual favors.

Jack: I what -- what?!

Gloria: Say a word and I scream.

Mariah: That must have come as a huge shock to you.

Gloria: I wanted to cuss him out and walk away. But I needed the job, and I'm ashamed to say I gave him what he wanted.

Mariah: So you're telling us that you had sex with him?

Jack: Okay, I'm not listening to this.

Gloria: Yes. All night. "All night." He was insatiable. "He was insatiable." And when it was over, he told me that my services were no longer needed. He told me he never wanted to see my face again.

Mariah: I am so, so sorry.

Jack: Not as sorry as you are going to be, "Clarissa."

Gloria: But what's disgusting is this man made his fortune from a business that makes products for women. He doesn't respect his customers. We're just getting to the good part. You want some popcorn, Jack?

Gloria: I felt powerless.

Hilary: This is a great story. Thank you for bringing this to us.

Mariah: You're welcome. Clarissa, would you be willing to reveal the identity of this man?

Gloria: He's very powerful. He could ruin me and shut down GC buzz.

Jack: And he will.

Gloria: Shh, shh, shh!

Jack: If you so much as --

Gloria: She's gonna name names.

Mariah: Well, here, we are not afraid of the truth.

Gloria: [Chuckles]

Jack: You didn't.

Gloria: [Chuckling] Yeah, I did. He is -- what the hell is this?! What?! Come on!

Hilary: My sincere apologies to our viewers. It seems that we are forced to postpone that very fascinating interview due to some technical difficulties in the studio. We'll be right back.

Mariah: Why did you cut my interview?!

Hilary: Well, it seems that you forgot to mention that your big finale was slashing one of my close friends, Jack Abbott. [Scoffs] Much better to ambush me on live TV, right?

Jack: Technical difficulties. Be a great name for your memoirs. That little audio/visual glitch is the best thing that ever happened to you. What made you think you could get away with this absurd, ridiculous charade?

Gloria: Charade, Jack? Charade? Yeah, I felt exploited, abandoned, and utterly stupid for trusting you. Yeah, I wanted payback!

Jack: Then why didn't you just take the high road and blackmail me? It would have been a whole lot simpler. And maybe you would have gotten the money that you wanted.

Victoria: I didn't buy this membership, so why would I want to keep it active? Yes, that means cancel it. But if I did decide to go to this website before, what is the URL? Can -- can you spell that for me? Thank you. Oh!

Reed: Well, you can wait till you go to bed to check on those little troll fans.

Victoria: [Sighs]

Reed: Yeah, they, uh, they conked out before I even got to the cliffhanger. Mom?

Victoria: Have you been using my credit card?

Reed: Uh, yeah. You sent me to the mall with it. And you told me to order pizza for everyone last weekend, and I didn't have any cash.

Victoria: I mean online.

Reed: No. Why?

Victoria: Well, someone in this house must have, and I certainly didn't buy this membership, and I really doubt that Johnny and Katherine are interested in "live cam shows of the world's naughtiest nymphs"!

Troy: Phyllis? Is that you?

Phyllis: Troy?

Troy: Yeah. Hi. Is something wrong?

Phyllis: No. The exact opposite of every online horror story. You look much better than your photo. [Chuckles]

Troy: Really? Thanks. I could say the same thing about you.

Phyllis: Would you like to have a seat? Or I could stand up.

Troy: Yeah. Sorry.

Phyllis: [Laughs] Sure.

Troy: I'm new to this. I got divorced a year ago, and I didn't turn to the internet till about two weeks ago. Sorry about the photo.

Phyllis: Oh, don't be. You're a nice surprise.

Troy: It's a selfie, and my ex-wife would always tell me I was the worst photographer. She'd say that I could make Kate Beckinsale look like my mother.

Phyllis: Oh. That's harsh.

Troy: Well, you see, my mother's face was badly scarred in a crocodile attack, and Pam, my ex-wife, she thought that was hilarious. So she'd buy those toy rubber crocodiles and leave them around the house for my mother to find and scream -- under the pillow, in the mailbox, or the toilet.

Phyllis: I'd scream, too. That's not a nice surprise.

Troy: Pam's sense of humor was very dark. Black as night. Sick, actually.

Phyllis: All that matters is that she is out of your life for good.

Troy: I wish that were true, Phyllis. God, how I wish that were true. Hey, let's never talk about Pam again. I want the unabridged, all-inclusive, full-on Phyllis.

Phyllis: [Laughs] Well... ooh. [Chuckles]

Troy: And still the divorce took over two years. She did everything she could to try and block it, which I still don't understand because she is the one who cheated on me, openly, with several lovers.

Phyllis: Sometimes you pick the wrong person. We've all done it.

Troy: So you work in online marketing for Fenmore's?

Phyllis: Yes. Yes. And I am having the best time. Now, have you ever shopped there?

Troy: I used to, until the last time I went with Pam. [Scoffs] She thought it would be hilarious to slip a $3,000 sapphire and ruby ring into the pocket of my coat. And then when the security guard stopped me on the way out, she pretended not to know me.

Phyllis: That's awful. How long did she keep that going on?

Troy: Awhile. I eventually got it expunged by doing community service. 3,000 hours.

Phyllis: She sounds certifiable. Was she ever diagnosed?

Troy: Pam? No. She doesn't believe in psychiatry. Uh, but my therapist, one of them, called her a monster wrapped in human skin.

Phyllis: Interesting. You know, good for you for choosing to get help, though.

Troy: It wasn't a choice, really. She tried to have me committed.

Phyllis: How? She's the one that should be locked up.

Troy: She was also dating a judge. But during my 30 days of observation at Fairview --

Billy: Excuse me. I-I apologize.

Troy: Yeah. Sure. Who are you?

Billy: I'm bill. Phyllis' boyfriend.

Phyllis: That's not true, troy.

Troy: Well, then, what is he... oh. I think I know. Did Pam send you?

Billy: I'm sorry. Pam? Is that your wife?

Troy: My ex-wife. She did, didn't she? You can stop denying it right now.

Victoria: It's not bad enough you sneak around making very unauthorized purchases on this. [Sighs] You deny it to my face!

Reed: I'm not denying it, okay? I did it.

Victoria: Oh. Oh, I know.

Reed: I get it. You don't want your kids looking at dirty stuff online.

Victoria: Johnny and Katherine were here, Reed?

Reed: [Scoffs] Mom, I'm sorry. I am. Can we please just forget about this?

Victoria: Oh, yeah. Of course. Sure. We can forget about this. Yeah, except it's not an isolated incident. Everything has a thread running through it! Disrespect for me and the basic rules that I have laid down for this house!

Reed: What is "everything"?

Victoria: Everything! Using my credit card, lying to me about it, pitting Billy against me so you can get your own way, inviting that girl over here.

Reed: That's not fair.

Victoria: What about the tickets that I bought you for the concert in Chicago on a school night? Is that not fair? I was seriously trying to make up for embarrassing you, Reed!

Reed: [Scoffs] I mean, you got to see the show yourself, so...

Victoria: Congratulations. That's officially the most rotten thing you've ever said to me.

Devon: Hey, Mariah. Can you join me, please? It's lucky that we had that pretaped segment on Esther's valentine love cookies to slot in. But as soon as we're out of it, I'm gonna need you two to close the show.

Mariah: For the record, I resent Hilary of accusing me for doing this interview just to trash Jack Abbott. Hilary, if you would like an example of what a hatchet job looks like, I can show you your interview with Dylan.

Hilary: My only concern is the journalistic integrity of the show. Isn't that still your top priority?

Devon: You know it is.

Hilary: Then how can we air allegations like that without getting a statement from Jack? Oh, I'm sorry, Mariah. Do you have one of those?

Mariah: There wasn't any time, but I can get one for the next show. Why is it that you were okay with the sexual harassment interview before it included your good friend Jack Abbott? If Gloria had accused anyone else --

Hilary: Wait, wait. Gloria? Gloria, as in the mother of Michael Baldwin and your good friend Kevin? That Gloria?

Mariah: Kevin and his mom aren't close. I barely know the woman. So don't say that I'm trying to further her agenda.

Hilary: You really need to do a background check on your alleged victim. That woman has a very checkered past, and that's putting it politely.

Mariah: Oh, my God. Don't we all?

Hilary: Not like this. She and Jack have been feuding ever since she married his father. Devon, they had a huge battle over john Abbott's estate.

Mariah: Okay! Even more reason for Gloria to refuse to trade sexual favors with Jack for a job!

Hilary: You are so naive! And if you blindly listen to any word that that woman says, then you are a damn fool.

Mariah: I am not naive. It took me about three seconds to realize that Jack Abbott is single, just like you. And you know what? For all I know, that is the reason why you want to kill my interview. You and Devon have split. Maybe Jack is your next conquest.

Hilary: Devon, are you seriously gonna let her speak to me like that?

Devon: Well, I agree with what she's saying.

Hilary: [Scoffs] Fine. But I'm not gonna stand by while you and Mariah and a sketchy, possibly unstable woman crucifies Jack for "assaulting" her.

Mariah: Wow. Way to go, Hilary. Blame the victim. Whatever happened to girl power? You know what? I'm feeling a little bit nauseated. You're gonna have to finish this one on your own.

Devon: Mari--

Hilary: Her unprofessionalism is showing, and it's starting to make you look bad.

Devon: Thanks. All right, people, we're about to come out of commercial break.

Hilary: Welcome back.

Jack: Gloria, Gloria. May I have a moment?

Gloria: Are you gonna hit me with some new threats, Jack?

Jack: If I came on a little strong, I think you know I'm understandably on edge. I-I just don't want you misinterpreting my sarcastic reference to blackmail.

Gloria: [Scoffs]

Jack: I mean, no part of me is saying that that would have been a better option for you before the interview or now.

Gloria: So you're telling me it wasn't a coded message to start extortion proceedings?

Jack: I'm telling you if you do it, you will be very, very sorry.

Gloria: Ooh! More threats.

Jack: You're not hearing me. After serious consideration, I realize you do deserve fair compensation for your hard work and effort.

Gloria: Ah, Jackie boy, so you do remember what happened that night.

Jack: For your effort to help with Fenmore's. Not a night we both want to forget. Neither one of us wants to open up to a cruel and judgmental world.

Gloria: You know something? You may be right. Well, tell me about this, uh, fair compensation you mentioned.

Jack: Well, I can get into that later. I'm just -- trust me. I'm working on it right now. I just need a little time.

Gloria: No, no, no. There is no time, Jack. I want it to happen, and I want it to happen now.

Jack: It's not that simple, Gloria.

Gloria: Oh, Jack, it is so simple. Nobody wants to buy lipstick from a sexual predator. It's kind of creepy. So whatever you're working on for me, I suggest you work faster.

Hilary: [Sighs]

Devon: Great job, everyone.

Hilary: I think I bought us some time. But when Mariah cools down from her temper tantrum, she's gonna be on a mission to get that story on air, even if those claims are completely fictional.

Devon: Well, the allegations are a story, and whether they're found to be bogus or true is another one.

Hilary: Devon, I really hope that you consider the consequences of airing an accusation that is this volatile. And I do not mean just for the show.

Devon: I have no desire to see Jack get slimed, but we don't know if it's true. Nobody does.

Hilary: That is a calculated, vicious lie, Devon!

Devon: Then find the proof.

Hilary: That right there. That is exactly what I intend to do.

Reed: Mom, I'm -- I'm really sorry for upsetting you. I know you went to a whole of trouble to make our Chicago night happen.

Victoria: Yeah, I did.

Reed: I don't want to be disappointing you 24/7, so, uh, while you were upstairs, I installed a filter. It makes it so little kids can't access things that they shouldn't see. And, um, and I deleted the browser history just in case they're hip to that. But before I did, I printed it out so you can see I wasn't looking up porn every time you left the house.

Victoria: I don't need to read that.

Reed: [Sighs] Come on. Mom, I-I just want to prove to you that...you can trust me to make the right choices.

Victoria: You can't just click "delete" and erase inconsiderate actions and hurtful words and breaches of trust, and especially the way you've been trying to manipulate me.

Reed: I said I was sorry. What else do you want me to do? 'Cause I'll do it. I'm totally serious, mom.

Victoria: Look, how am I supposed to believe that? I have been treated like the enemy since day one. You're grounded for a month. No television, no phone.

Reed: What? No, you can't do that!

Victoria: Yes. And no video games and no guitar and no music.

Reed: Wait! But music is the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind!

Victoria: And no computer, either.

Reed: Okay, now you've lost

your mind, because all of my schoolwork is on that computer. And you must not know that since computers weren't around when you were in school.

Victoria: Huh!

Reed: But every assignment that I have is on there. So, I mean, I guess you're gonna have to add homework to the contraband list.

Victoria: Oh, you would love that, wouldn't you? Well, guess what? You can use the computer. You can download your homework in front of me, and then you can upload it the same way. So I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna take a bath, and I want all of this contraband piled on that desk right there. And when I come back down, I better not have to do some search and hunting, otherwise we can make it two months! And finish cleaning up that tent!

Billy: Peace offering.

Troy: That's very decent of you.

Billy: You're probably wondering why Phyllis is dating online when she's with me. I have a confession to make.

Troy: What's that?

Billy: Phyllis and I broke up recently. We had a terrible fight, and she stormed out of the house. And to be honest with you, troy, it was all my fault. And I would do anything in my power to make it up to you. And I hope that you can forgive me.

Phyllis: I think it's gonna take a lot more than just words.

Billy: Anything. I will do anything if you just give me one more chance.

Phyllis: You know, I didn't see this coming, troy. I don't know. If you knew what kind of man this juvenile, selfish, and, quite frankly, obnoxious person humbling himself the way he is now, you would understand why I need to wrap this up.

Troy: That's all right. I'm not ready to date. I had 17 last month. This is the first one to go over 10 minutes.

Billy: Hey, that's progress, man. And I think you're right. You should wait till you're, you know, stronger.

Troy: You guys are the best. Fix things. Please.

Billy: [Snorts]

Phyllis: Don't do it. Don't do it. He's a very sweet guy.

Billy: I mean --

Phyllis: And he was easy on the eyes.

Billy: Not so easy on the ears.

Phyllis: How much did you hear? How long were you eavesdropping?

Billy: Enough to know that you needed rescuing.

Phyllis: Thank you.

Billy: You're welcome.

Phyllis: You went above and beyond.

Billy: Hey.

Phyllis: Chivalry is not dead.

Billy: Just trying to be a friend. Don't tell me I ruined it already.

Phyllis: No, I'm just awestruck that, yes, we can be friends.

Billy: You know, when I think about, uh, internet dating as a fad, because I would never do it, of course, you don't seem to fit the lifestyle.

Phyllis: Thank you, I think.

Billy: Yeah, so, which makes me think that you lost a bet, and I'm guessing it was against Lauren because this smells like Lauren.

Phyllis: No, no. This was all nick. I told him I would do it once, which means I am never doing it again.

Billy: Okay, good. But just in case you do decide to do it again, just let me know the time and location and I'll be there.

Phyllis: Why? So you can give me another emergency bail-out?

Billy: Oh, no. For entertainment value alone. I mean, this was amazing. I should have recorded it on my phone.

Phyllis: [Laughs]

Billy: Crocodile?

[Cell phone rings]

Billy: Let me take this.

Phyllis: Go ahead.

Billy: Reed, hey, buddy. What's going on?

Reed: Mom lost it tonight. Seriously, she's out of control. She grounded me.

Billy: Okay, just start from the beginning.

Reed: It was so totally nothing! She just kept making herself madder and madder. You have to talk to her. Please?

Billy: Reed, I'm sorry, man, but I can't get involved, all right?

Reed: Billy, come on. There's no one else.

Billy: No, you need to figure this out with your mom. I'm sorry.

Phyllis: Everything okay? What's going on over there?

Billy: Teenage discipline issues. Reed didn't tell me anything more than that, but I got to stay out of it.

Phyllis: You're drinking black coffee. All this adult behavior you're exhibiting, it's very unsettling.

Devon: [Sighs]

Mariah: Hey.

Devon: Hi.

Mariah: I'm glad you're still here. You must be mortified that I stormed off like a nightmare teen pop diva. I know that I am.

Devon: No, I don't, really.

Mariah: It's grounds for termination. I know that. So say the word and I'll resign. But please don't say the word.

Devon: Mariah, I'm on your side, okay? And Hilary's out trying to find the counterpoint, which I support, as well, okay? We need as much information as possible, right?

Mariah: We do. And Hilary really wants Jack to be an innocent target.

Devon: Well, if he turns out not to be innocent, I think she knows better than to try a cover-up.

Mariah: Does she?

Devon: I'd like to believe she does.

Mariah: Okay. Then I will, too. By the way, I'm sorry that you guys couldn't avoid...that. I hope it's not too horrendously expensive.

Devon: I think you'll be pretty shocked to find out Hilary's volunteered to walk away without a dime.

Mariah: "Shocked"? I'm slain.

Devon: I'm pretty skeptical myself. And I, uh, I think there's only one way to really know.

Hilary: You saw the show?

Jack: I saw the important part. The part where that guillotine is dangling over my neck.

Hilary: Yeah, and it was about to drop. I stopped it at the very last second.

Jack: Yeah, "technical difficulties," the oldest trick in the live-TV book. Thank you, thank you, and thank you.

Hilary: No, no, I was just doing my job. That story was not run by me, and as soon as I realized that it was a dirty bomb that was about to detonate, I could not allow such a one-sided hatchet piece on my air.

Jack: Well, you made my day.

Hilary: Jack, off the record, I know you well enough to know that these claims are unfounded, okay? You would never, ever violate an employee's trust and dignity like that.

Jack: Never. Never. It is not in me. And I would state that publicly and keep repeating it if it meant that Gloria would finally admit she made up the whole damn thing!

Hilary: So you knew it was her?

Jack: She practically dragged me to watch it on TV with her. She's the most vindictive woman I've ever met.

Hilary: Well, what is behind this? Why is she daring to take such a huge shot at you? Still off the record, naturally. You must have done something. Jack, come on. You know you can trust me, right?

Jack: Through a hideously unfortunate series of events, Gloria and I recently found ourselves in a, uh... heated situation.

Hilary: Heated? Oh, my God. You mean...

Jack: I mean Gloria has a vendetta against me. Thank you for saving me.

Hilary: How are you planning to respond?

Devon: Do I sound like I'm joking? I'm very serious. I need to get a cashier's check for $250 million made out to Hilary Curtis Hamilton. I don't care. Just get it done as quick as possible, please. Thank you. [Sighs] See you later, Mariah.

Mariah: See you.

Gloria: Thanks for meeting with me.

Mariah: Hey. Yeah, no problem. I'm sorry about the preemption earlier today. It was out of my control.

Gloria: Not to fret, dear. I have a warm feeling that Jack Abbott is going to pay for his sins one way or another. Look at that. I am suddenly winning.

Jack: [Sighs]

Hilary: Jack, you cannot just roll over and let this gold-digging fraud shake you down. Okay, let me expose her for the lying trash that she is.

Jack: I love that you want to do this for me. I can't expose Jabot to that kind of publicity. It would crush us. If Gloria knows that your show is against her, she's just gonna go find another one. The only way to shut her up is to give up and give in.

Hilary: [Scoffs] I never thought that I would hear you talk like this.

Jack: Neither did I, sweetheart. I'm being practical, though. The only way to stop Gloria now is to give her what she wants A.S.A.P.

Billy: Geez, I didn't think I had this many dudes in my contact list. But several of them look like that's what you could be looking for.

Phyllis: Well, sir, I am actually not looking to shop for a boyfriend tonight. I am having coffee with a dear friend who's already starting to get on my nerves again.

Billy: No pressure, Ms. Summers. But you should know that the inventory that I am selling you range from good-looking to former underwear model, all single, of course.

Phyllis: Which are all standard features for what I need in a test drive, but it does kind of weird me out, you matchmaking for me.

Billy: Really? I mean, I think of everybody, I would know what you're looking for, what you want in a man category.

Phyllis: Well, at the top of that list, they can have no history with me or my exes or their exes, and it also includes appearing in any of my exes' e-mail archives or phones.

Billy: That is a tall order. I think you're gonna find somebody.

Phyllis: I did once. But I am not looking for that to happen again.

Reed: You happy now?

Victoria: Not even a little bit. Look, this isn't fun for me, but you pushed me to it. Maybe a month from now I'll be willing to trust you again.

Reed: I thought trust was supposed to work two ways.

Victoria: Ideally, yeah.

Reed: Then how come you poisoned Billy against me? When you know he's the only person on the planet that I can call and talk to. And now when I try to call him, you make him hang up on me?!

Victoria: I didn't tell him to do that.

Reed: Yes, you did! You couldn't take that -- that he was my friend! So you cut him out of my life!

Victoria: I wouldn't do that.

Reed: Yes, you did. You really are Victor's daughter. You're just cold and mean.

Next on "The Young and the Restless"...

Victoria: Adam's gone. If you can both find a little happiness, would that really be so crazy?

Faith: I want to come home, mom. I want to come home today.

Gloria: You're making it sound like I am nothing to you but a sex object, which is exactly what got you into this problem.

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