Y&R Transcript Tuesday 12/11/07

Y&R Transcript Tuesday 12/11/07 -- Canada; Wednesday 12/12/07 -- U.S.A.

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Provided by Eric
Proofread By Emma

Nick: Kinda reminded me of the Nixon resignation speech I saw on the History Channel.

Phyllis: Wow. That's bad.

Nick: He brought this on himself.

Phyllis: Yeah, I mean, I'm sure he's humiliated.

Nick: You know, part of me wants to throttle him, but the other part of me feels as bad about this as you do.

Phyllis: Right. 'Cause he was your stepfather for many years.

Nick: He was more like a real father. We talked about that, when we were trapped.

Phyllis: He cares about you a lot.

Nick: He's just so damn infuriating at times.

Phyllis: I'm sure his wife isn't too thrilled with him right now.

Jack: Thank you again.

Jack: Noah should be home soon.

Sharon: Yeah. Early release for the holiday party at 4:00. He's, um, he's running the karaoke booth.

Jack: I think we need to talk to him.

Sharon: You mean, you wanna be the one to tell him the bad news?

Jack: His stepfather just quit the senate. I don't think he should hear that from a friend or an enemy. It's gonna be difficult.

Sharon: It really tears me up, Jack.

Jack: I understand.

Sharon: Stop saying that. Do you have any idea how bad this is gonna be for him? You're gonna break his heart. Again. And what's worse, I let you do that.

Jack: He was so proud of me.

Sharon: Yeah, he was.

Jack: Sharon, I want more than anything to be a good stepfather to Noah and a good husband to you.

Sharon: I've seen this movie.

Jack: Look, I know you're upset with me. You have every right to be. But you have to know how much I love you.

Sharon: Well, you have a funny way of showing it.

Jack: (Sighs)

Gloria: You want me to marry you? Are you serious?

Jeff: As serious as a murder charge.

Gloria: Well, I don't know what to say.

Jeff: A simple, "Yes, Jeff," will suffice.

Gloria: I didn't expect--

Jeff: A marriage proposal? Surprise.

(Cell phone ringing)

Gloria: One little problem, Jeff. I don't love you.

Jeff: Love? Noun, four letters, definition--overrated. As opposed to prisoner-- eight letters. Definition--you.

Gloria: Are you threatening me? It sounds like it.

Jeff: I'll tell you what, Gloria. You take some time to think about it. But think fast. For your own good.

Colleen: Sorry your to go order is taking so long. We have a substitute chef.

Amber: Okay.

Daniel: That's okay. Just starving to death over here.

Colleen: Oh, you can munch on these.

Daniel: Thanks. I was about to start gnawing on Amber's arm.

Amber: I'd give my right arm for a friend.

Daniel: Oh, how sweet.

Amber: (Laughs)

Colleen: Hey.

Lily: Hey.

Colleen: Writing that paper for Econ?

Lily: No, tonight, but check this out. It's the rules for the fresh face of Jabot contest.

Colleen: Oh. "Women of every age, shape, size and color who have special beauty that shines from within." Cool. What do you have to do?

Lily: Uh, just submit a statement saying why I think I make a good candidate, and then I upload a video.

Colleen: Doesn't sound too difficult, right?

Lily: No. Great, it just froze up.

Colleen: Maybe it's your laptop. Oh, Daniel’s here. Maybe he can help fix it.

Lily: No, I can do it myself. It's fine.

Colleen: Yeah.

Lily: What does "Yeah" mean?

Colleen: Okay, let's just put it this way, I wouldn't put "Computer Whiz" to your contest bio.

Daniel: Computer whiz? Or computer whiz-not?

Lily: Wow!

Colleen: Oh! Yeah, I have to refill coffees.

Lily: Okay.

Daniel: Okay, yeah, I get it. That was bad.

Lily: Yeah.

Daniel: But you know, you've got that textbook look if laptop phobia. Terrified, I don't know.

Lily: Do I have a little balloon over my head with the words "Help" in it?

Daniel: As a matter of fact, you do, so you mind if I take a look?

Lily: No. Help me, please.

Daniel: Let's see...

Amber: Uh, hey, food's ready.

Daniel: Just a sec. And you're all set.

Lily: Thank you.

Daniel: Good luck in the contest. Hope you win.

Lily: Thanks.

Amber: When does the contest start?

Lily: Um, today.

Amber: Is that your entry?

Lily: Yeah, once I figure out what to say. Thanks, Daniel.

Amber: I can take her.

Daniel: No, you can't. No family members of Jabot employees can enter. Remember?

Amber: Maybe you should check the rules again, because there has been a slight adjustment. I'm good to go.

Daniel: Are we talking about this disguise thing again?

Amber: Marina is not a disguise. She is an alter ego and she is a lovely person. And she's a great humanitarian and she would be perfect as one of the Faces of Jabot and she needs you to help her with her entry.

Daniel: Well, tell Marina I'm booked.

Amber: Nope!

Daniel: Get over it.

Amber: When have I ever gotten over anything, hmm?

Kevin: Where have you been? Did you hear the news about Jack? He quit the senate! Pop open the champagne! Why weren't you answering your phone?

Gloria: I was a little distracted.

Kevin: Jack Abbott resigns and all you can say is that you've been distracted?

Gloria: All right, I was a little more than distracted! I've been with Jeffrey Bardwell. The man's insane.

Kevin: Ugh. Is he still torturing you? 'Cause I gotta say, the fact that he did not shoot his mouth off about you to Jill and Mrs. Chancellor is a good sign, Mom. It means he's not as confident as he wants us to think.

Gloria: No, Honey, he's a lot more confident. A lot more.

Kevin: Okay, how do you figure?

Gloria: He just proposed to me. The lunatic expects me to marry him!

Noah: Hey, Guys, I'm home!

Noah: Hey.

Jack: Hey, Champ. You all psyched for the Christmas fair?

Noah: Yeah. Miss Schultz says she'll go in that, uh, cut-out face thing that everybody throws sponges at. Everyone's psyched.

Sharon: Okay. Well, honey, sit down. We need to tell you something.

Noah: I've heard this before. Who died? Aunt Victoria? The baby?

Sharon: Um, no, no. No one died. Everyone's fine.

Noah: But it's something bad, right?

Jack: It could turn out to be a good thing. Noah, I quit the state senate today.

Noah: Is it because of all the things that have been happening to you? Like that hearing?

Jack: Partly. There is a good side. As much time as I've been spending in Madison, it's put a lot of pressure on our family.

Sharon: Because we have to, um, we have to spend more time apart.

Jack: So I've been thinking maybe we could all take a family vacation, you know, that trip to France we keep putting off.

Noah: You didn't resign so we could go to France.

Jack: No, you're absolutely right. But it does mean we can spend more time together as a family.

Noah: Why'd you quit? Really?

Jack: Before... you and your mom became a part of my life, I made some real mistakes, Noah. The truth is, I told some real whoppers. And they've caught up with me. And as much as I... try to learn from those mistakes--

Sharon: Sometimes apologizing just isn't enough.

Jack: Sometimes... like this time, you simply have to face the consequences. And for me, that means... I had to quit being a senator. And that makes me very sad and a little angry. Angry at myself. See, I have no one but myself to blame for this.

Noah: I'm sorry.

Gloria: I agree to holy matrimony, he keeps quiet about the face cream.

Kevin: That creep is blackmailing you.

Gloria: He won't say "I did it" if I agree to say "I do."

Kevin: Uh, mnh-mnh. Sorry, Mom, that's not how it's gonna work.

Gloria: Yeah, really? I wasn't hit with a stupid stick this morning. If we get married--

Kevin: He's gonna go right to the cops.

Gloria: I go to jail, and my loving husband gets every dime of my inheritance.

Kevin: From both your dead husbands. It's kind of brilliant.

Gloria: What do I tell him, Kevin?

Kevin: You tell him no.

Gloria: I tried that.

Kevin: And what did he say?

Gloria: He said, "Think about it, Gloria."

Kevin: Fine. Fine. You thought about it. No. No forget it. Not in this lifetime.

Phyllis: Uh, do you want some coffee?

Nick: No. No, thank you. I'm just gonna check in with Sharon really quick.

(Telephone ringing)

Sharon: Abbott residence.

Nick: Hey, it's Nick.

Sharon: Hey. Um, did you hear Jack's speech?

Nick: Yeah. Sorry.

Sharon: Yeah, me, too. Um, we just told Noah.

Nick: How'd he react?

Sharon: You know, he reacted with amazing grace. And that's just the best word for it.

Nick: Huh. Well, I'd like to talk to him. Uh, how about if I pick him up and take him to the Christmas fair and then hang out with him there, and, uh, bring him home?

Sharon: Um, Jack is already on his way over there.

Nick: Oh, okay. So how are you doing?

Sharon: You know, I'm... I'm disappointed and--and I'm disillusioned. I don't know, I'm angry. Pick your emotion.

Nick: How long do you think they're gonna be at the fair?

Sharon: Maybe a couple of hours?

Nick: Okay, well, I'd like to be there when he gets home. Are you okay with that?

Sharon: I think that it would be great for him to spend some time with his dad right now.

Nick: Okay, I'll see you soon. You okay with this?

Phyllis: With you going over? Yeah, of course. You care about your son. You share a child with Sharon.

Nick: Yeah, they told him, so...

Phyllis: Yeah. That must've been hard.

Nick: I'm sure it was.

Phyllis: Noah has been through one crisis after another since his sister died.

Nick: Yeah, well, some of those things couldn't be helped. But some of them, this one, could have.

Amber: "Approximately 50 words." How hard can that be? I talk more than that in my sleep.

Daniel: Yeah, I know. We got really thin walls in here. Why don't we just record you tonight?

Amber: (Chuckles) because what I say in my sleep might be NC-17. I need a G-rating.

Daniel: Hmm. Well, look at the time. Guess I should get going.

Amber: No, I'm serious.

Daniel: And that's why I need to joke here, because you should not do this.

Amber: You don't think I have inner beauty, hmm?

Daniel: I know you have inner beauty. And you know, the outer-- it ain't that bad, either.

Amber: So?

Daniel: So... this Marina-- she doesn't exist. You gotta come up with a whole back story, a whole history.

Amber: Big deal. I'm good at that. You know, it's not like they're gonna do an F.B.I. check or something.

Daniel: I also don't think you're gonna fool anyone.

Amber: When I was trapped in that wreckage with Mrs. Chancellor, do you know what she said to me?

Daniel: No, I don't, but I bet you're gonna tell me, aren't you?

Amber: She said she thinks the secret to success is not being afraid to make mistakes.

Daniel: Well, I guess in that case we should both be gazillionaires by now.

Amber: Okay, but what I know, is the secret to failure is when you want something really, really bad, but you don't go for it because you're afraid you're gonna fall on your face.

Daniel: Okay, so why do you want this so bad?

Amber: Sue me. I was one of those little starry-eyed little girls who was addicted to the Miss American pageant every year. I had a dream.

Daniel: A dream? Yeah, I can see it now-- "From trailer trash to the tiara-- the Amber Moore story."

Amber: Shut up! Shut up! I'm so gonna win this. And when everyone finds out who I am, that's just great publicity for my music career.

Daniel: That's the Amber Moore I know and love.

Amber: Ah! See! I am lovable. Excellent start.

Colleen: Hey.

Lily: Hey, I just read about your uncle resigning.

Colleen: Jack resigned?

Lily: Yeah, it's all over the news, look.

Colleen: Oh, my God. One sec.

Colleen: No answer. Hey, uh, Uncle Jack, I heard this crazy rumor that you resigned the senate? Um, I hope everything's okay, so give me a call. Bye. How's the application going?

Lily: Um... not good. I can't think of anything to write. I can say, um... I'm on the honor roll at Genoa City University. And, uh, I have great fashion sense. Yeah, like that's really gonna impress them. You know what? To be honest with you, I feel stupid talking about this when your uncle's going through something so huge.

Colleen: Oh, it's okay. It's a nice distraction. You know what? You should write you accomplishments.

Lily: My accomplishments?

Colleen: Mm-hmm.

Lily: Um, well... okay, when I won the Nobel Peace prize, the president commented on my lovely Perfume-on-the-Glo fragrance I was wearing.

Colleen: Would you be serious for one minute?

Lily: I'm sorry. I joke when I'm self-conscious.

Colleen: Yeah, I know. Okay, but you lost your mom in a terrible accident, but you've managed to stay in college and get on the Dean's list. You work part-time and you got a green project at the U.

Lily: Yeah, big whoop.

Cane: What's big whoop?

Lily: Hey.

Cane: Hey.

Colleen: Hey.

Lily: We're just talking about how I'm not an impressive person. And I'm not saying that so you can go, "Oh, yes, you are."

Colleen: Yeah, like those size nothing girls who say they're fat just so you can say, "No, you're slim and you're hot."

Lily: Yeah. I hate that.

Colleen: Yeah, I hate that. It's a girl thing. Um, anyway, um, table four needs their check, so... to be continued.

Lily: All right, bye.

Cane: Oh... Faces of Jabot.

Lily: Yep.

Cane: You know, it is a big whoop. I think you're perfect for it.

Lily: Ah, the needle on my B.S. meter is going off the charts right now.

Cane: I really do think you have a chance at winning. And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do to increase your odds, I'll vote for you. Like, six or seven times.

Lily: (Laughs)

(Cell phone ringing)

Jack: A dry martini-- that's what I'd like. A double. Club soda's what I'll be having. I'm driving. Hello?

Phyllis: Hey, it's Phyllis.

Jack: Hey, Phyllis.

Phyllis: You're not drinking alone, are you?

Jack: I'm not drinking at all. Except in my mind. No, I-I dropped Noah off at the Christmas fair. I'll be picking him up later.

Phyllis: Where are you?

Jack: I'm at the Athletic Club.

Phyllis: I'm gonna drop Summer off at the sitter. I'll be right over. Don't go anywhere.

Jack: You—

(Sighs)

Nick: So I brought the old Christmas stuff from our house, you know, the ornaments, the lights.

Sharon: That is so, so thoughtful of you. And you know what? Those are the ornaments that Noah is used to, so...

Nick: Yeah. I'm really worried about him, Sharon.

Sharon: Yeah. I am, too. And this isn't the first time that my husband's problems have affected him. He used to look up to him.

Nick: What Jack did when we were in Clear Springs? Any guy would look up to a guy like that. And I've seen him with-- with the two of you. He adores you both. I know he loves you very much.

Sharon: Yeah. I know. I know. It's just really hard to... to feel it right now.

Nick: Well, maybe Jack could be that guy again. With time. Unless, of course...

Sharon: Unless what?

Nick: Well, unless you think that letter that Gloria read to the ethics committee is for real.

Colleen: Hey, Uncle Jack.

Jack: Hey! Uh... what was that for?

Colleen: I heard about your resigning.

Jack: I made my bed.

Colleen: Well, you made a great senator.

Jack: Well, I wanted to do more.

Colleen: Well, maybe you'll get another chance.

Jack: Well, politics isn't exactly one of those "Another chance" things.

Colleen: Well, you never know. I better get back to work.

Jack: Yeah. Hey, listen, thanks for the kind words. I'm not hearing too many of those lately.

Phyllis: Well, you will from me.

Colleen: Hi.

Phyllis: Hey.

Colleen: Excuse me.

Jack: See ya, Kid.

Phyllis: All right.

Jack: So are you here as my friend, my drinking buddy, or just my ex-wife?

Phyllis: Well... how you doing?

Jack: I think I found rock bottom. Guess the good news there is that there's no place to go but up.

Phyllis: I hope so.

Jack: You hope so?

Phyllis: You know I'm not gonna judge you, don't you? Be straight with me.

Jack: About?

Phyllis: Did you really talk your father into rewriting his will?

Jack: Gloria is an opportunist. She was after Dad's money from day one. Somehow my father could never see that.

Phyllis: All the more reason he wouldn't want to leave her penniless.

Jack: I'll have another one of these. Please get the lady anything she likes.

Jack: I didn't realize how lonely I was till Sharon and Noah moved in.

Phyllis: Well, I'm sure you knew, you just didn't admit it to yourself.

Jack: Suddenly that big empty house was so full of life. Kids making messing. Dogs peeing on carpets. And I loved every minute of it.

Phyllis: Yeah, really? You liked that dog peeing on the carpet?

Jack: Okay, maybe not that.

Phyllis: But you're right about Noah. He's a great, great kid.

Jack: I love that boy like he's my own.

Phyllis: I do, too. We're very odd, don't you think? We're--we're a family, all of us. We're a big, crazy, dysfunctional family, but we are a family, aren't we?

Jack: Family. If I lose Noah and Sharon...

Phyllis: Listen, you don't-- stop it. Sharon has not left you.

Jack: Not yet anyway.

Phyllis: You think she's gonna leave you?

Jack: Phyllis, I betrayed her. Again. And Noah. Again.

Phyllis: She's your wife. She'll forgive you.

Jack: I'm not so sure. Not this time.

Nick: Oh, cool buddy, I'm glad to hear it. Okay, I'll see you soon. Well, according to our son, they're making a killing at the Christmas fair.

Sharon: Oh, good! I'm so glad that that thing was today because he really needed the distraction.

Nick: You know, if Jack did tamper with John's will, he's gonna be in serious trouble.

Sharon: You know, when I married Jack, I knew that he was no angel. But this?

Nick: Yeah. I know.

Sharon: You know, I am a pro at rationalizing. I would be the first one to tell myself that, okay, his behavior is terrible, but, you know, his motives are noble... ish.

Nick: There's nothing nobleish about stealing your stepmother's inheritance.

Sharon: Yeah. You know, deep down, I always really believed that Jack was a good man.

Nick: And now?

Sharon: I just feel like I-I woke up one morning and found out I was married to a complete stranger.

Kevin: Sorry. I had to make some adjustments. The Faces of Jabot web site is swamped. Bad for me, good for you.

Gloria: I used to be excited about that contest.

Kevin: Look, how long do you think we can stall Jeff?

Gloria: Not long. He's pushing.

Kevin: What if you dream up a business trip, huh? Or come up with, like, an extended vacation to a country without an extradition treaty?

Gloria: Why don't I just write him a check?

Kevin: Because--no. No. He'll just keep coming back like some money eating bacteria.

Gloria: All right, then we have to frighten him. He's gotta have a past. Everybody's got a past.

Kevin: Mom, I've looked. There's nothing.

Gloria: Honey, please look harder.

Kevin: Mom, I know people who are good at, um... terminating this kind of problem. With extreme prejudice. One day we have a problem, the next day? Whoa! What happened to Jeff Bardwell?

(Knock on door)

Woman: Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Fisher.

Kevin: What's up?

Woman: There's a problem with the contest server.

Kevin: Again?

Woman: Yeah.

Kevin: All right, I'll be right there.

Woman: Okay.

Kevin: Will you think about it?

Jeff: I missed you.

Gloria: I thought we'd finished our conversation for the day.

Jeff: Well, we had. Then I realized-- when I make a decision-- especially a life-changing decision-- I like to have all the information. Don't you like to have all the information?

Gloria: Of course I do, but you said you'd give me time to think about it, but if you give me more information, then I'm gonna need more time to think about it.

Jeff: Fair enough. A couple of more hours won't hurt.

Gloria: All right, so what is this new information?

Jeff: Just this-- not only would you be saving yourself from prison orange, but in an odd way, you'd be getting William back.

Gloria: By marrying his twin? You're not in the same league as your brother.

Jeff: Oh, I beg to differ. We have the same genes. Which means the same devilish charm.

Gloria: Your opinion.

Jeff: Yours as well. Whether you admit it or not, you do find me attractive.

Gloria: Is there anything else you'd like me to know because I'm very busy here.

Jeff: Your feelings for me may be ambivalent at the moment.

Gloria: They're not.

Jeff: But you know what I think? You give it a little time, you'll grow to love me. Just like you did William.

Sharon: Oh. Remember this one?

[Sharon shows Nick a ornament that says Noah on it]

Nick: Yeah. I gave that to Noah on his first Christmas.

Sharon: Yeah. You know, this is his very favorite ornament. And every year... he finds a special place for it on the tree.

[Sharon remembering Noah’s first Christmas when he was a baby]

Nick: I hooked you up with a little Christmas Eve present. Ta da!

Sharon: Look, Noah! Look how it shines!

Nick: This is baby's first Christmas.

Sharon: Yeah! And look, it even says your name right there! Noah!

Nick: (Laughs)

Sharon: Yeah!

Nick: Sharon? You okay?

Sharon: Yeah. Yeah, I was just-- I was just thinking about that Christmas. I was so happy then. Life was a lot simpler.

Nick: Yeah, it was.

Sharon: And then it got complicated. When I started seeing Jack, and... well, when you...

Nick: Me and Phyllis. I'm kinda glad I don't really remember any of that.

Sharon: Well, you know, the noble side of me say, you know, you fell in love with someone else. What are you gonna do? But I'm not always that noble. No, I'm just playing. I'm fine with it. You and Phyllis are good together. But Jack? You know, what he did-- taking advantage of his father like that, when he's vulnerable, and going against his wishes? I mean, that was just so-- it's so deliberate.

Nick: So what are you gonna do?

Sharon: I don't know. Even if I were able to forgive him, I'd never be able to trust him again.

Nick: So you think you'll leave him?

Sharon: It's Christmas. How do I do that?

Phyllis: What I don't understand is how did Gloria get her hands on this new will?

Jack: This so-called new will. You're assuming it's legit.

Phyllis: Okay. True.

Jack: Dad had a friend in prison. His name was Todd Scheller.

Phyllis: Todd Scheller?

Jack: As best I can piece the story together, his son found it among his father's things. What I don't get is how that ditz ever found this guy.

Phyllis: Holy cannoli. Jana.

Jack: Did you say Jana?

Phyllis: Yeah, Jack, listen--

Jack: Oh, boy! Wait, no, I gotta pick up Noah. Sorry to do this to you.

Phyllis: Um...

(Telephone ringing)

Sharon: Hello?

Jack: Hey, it's me. Um, I'm on my way to pick up Noah. Can I get anything for you?

Sharon: Uh, no.

Jack: What are you doing?

Sharon: Nick stopped by.

Jack: Well, give Nicholas my best.

Phyllis: Oh, uh, tell-- tell--tell Nick that I'm going with you to pick up Noah.

Jack: Uh, Phyllis wants Nicholas to know she'll be with me when I get there. I'll see ya. Noah didn't have much of a reaction when I told him I was quitting the senate. He covers pretty well. I'm not really sure how he feels about it. I'm glad you'll be with me.

Sharon: Phyllis is with Jack.

Nick: So do you really think you can fake it with him until after Christmas?

Sharon: I don't know.

Nick: Noah is an intuitive kid. He's gonna know you're miserable.

Sharon: You know... it took him so long to think about this place as home, and now... what, I'm gonna snatch all of that away from him?

Nick: Well, he'll still have you, and me and Summer and Phyllis.

Sharon: Yeah, but I just... I really wanted him to love Jack... so much. And now, what, I say, "Oops, can you now not love Jack?" I mean, that's insane.

Nick: All right, look, even if you decide to leave him, I promise you, I'll do everything I can to make this a happy Christmas for him.

Jeff: I make you uncomfortable, don't I?

Gloria: I don't know you well enough.

Jeff: Well, give it time. I'll grow on you. And think how easy it will be. You won't even have to change your name.

Gloria: You really are full of yourself, aren't you?

Jeff: Well, I can afford to be. It's a two minute warning. The score is Jeff--28, Gloria--nothing.

Gloria: That's all this is to you? A game? Well, I'm gonna tell you something, you keep playing this game everybody's gonna know you're nothing like your brother.

Jeff: I can live with that. William was honest. To a fault.

Gloria: Honesty is a fault?

Jeff: Yeah. I've read a bit of psychology, Gloria. My brother experienced something called cognitive dissonance with you. Two thoughts, held at the same time, in exquisite conflict. He wanted to do the right thing, but at the same time, he wanted to shield the woman he loved. Quite a dilemma, huh?

Gloria: And what about you?

Jeff: I have no such qualms.

Gloria: Ah. And what if I were to tell my son Michael about your indecent proposal?

Jeff: The lawyer? Oh, please. I hope for his sake, he knows nothing about the product tampering.

Gloria: I didn't touch that cream. But just say I did-- hypothetically-- Michael’s my lawyer. Anything I say to him is privileged.

Jeff: But not your other son.

Gloria: What about him?

Jeff: I'd be willing to bet your entire fortune that both sons know exactly what you did. In fact, they probably helped you keep it a secret. Information, information. Face it, Darling Gloria. Now that you have all of it, marrying me is the smart thing to do.

Cane: So, Miss, are you working hard or are you hardly working?

Lily: I'm never gonna live that one down, am I?

Cane: Uh, no.

Lily: I swear, this is harder than Statistics. That was the hardest class I ever took. I'm just obsessing over this stupid contest. It's ridiculous.

Cane: Yes, you are. You know, I've been sitting over there for an hour now, doing my own statistics. And you have done nothing, so if you would like some input from a very unbiased, yet extremely handsome observer... you are smart. You are funny.

Lily: Mmm.

Cane: You are kind.

Lily: Ah.

Cane: And you're also a shopaholic, which is a salesman's, uh, dream.

Lily: (Laughs) wow, thank you. You give me so much depth.

Cane: But that's only what's visible to the eye.

Lily: So... there's more underneath?

Cane: Exactly.

Amber: Don't start, okay? I can do this.

Daniel: We are talking about fraud here. Trying to pass yourself off as someone you're not.

Amber: Marina-- A.K.A. someone else-- does not exist. It is not illegal to have an imagination, okay? Which is one of my many, many qualities that we can highlight in the video.

Daniel: Yes, you have a lot of wonderful qualities.

Amber: Okay, like?

Daniel: You're a babe.

Amber: Okay, babe-dom is not a quality.

Daniel: Well, you're funny. You make me laugh more than anyone I've ever met. And you're exciting.

Amber: Mmm! See?! This is good!

Daniel: You're a loyal friend.

Amber: Oh! Oh! This is exactly the kind of thing the judges need to hear! Okay, just--just save the rest for the video, so you can seem, uh, spontaneous, okay?

Daniel: There's not gonna be a video, Amber. Not one that I'm gonna shoot, anyway.

Amber: But you just said--

Daniel: Yeah, you go ahead and you do this thing, and you're gonna feel like crap. And I care about you a little too much to help you get there, so...

Sharon: Hey, everybody.

Nick: What's going on?

Sharon: How was the fair?

Noah: We made a ton of money.

Phyllis: Yeah, he said that, um, with all the money he made he's going to buy holiday gifts for kids who are having a tough time.

Nick: That's great, Bud.

Noah: Yeah, and, uh, I bought something with my allowance.

Nick: Oh, yeah?

Noah: Yeah.

Nick: Something for me?

Noah: No, it's for all of us. It's... for the top of our tree.

Nick: Hey, look at that.

Sharon: Wow, that is so professional. One of the kids at your school made it?

Noah: Yeah. It's cool, huh, Dad?

Nick: It's awesome.

Noah: This is neat.

Nick: What is?

Noah: Well, except for my baby sister and Daniel, the whole family's here.

Amber: Yes, I'd like to order a digital video camera. Oh, the best you have. I don't care how much it costs. High mega pixels? Sure. Yeah, I'll come pick it up. Amber Moore. Okay, thank you. Hmm.

Nick: You were kinda quiet on the car ride over.

Phyllis: Yeah. You noticed that, huh? I was thinking about Jack. He's worried that his wife is going to leave him.

Nick: She probably is.

Phyllis: It's my fault, you know?

Nick: What are you talking about?

Phyllis: The man that gave Gloria that letter-- the one that made him... resign from the senate...

Nick: Yeah, what about it?

Phyllis: I'm the one who found his number. And I-I can't remember, but I may have mentioned it to Jana and... I guess that she got in touch with Gloria and-- and the whole thing has now snowballed.

Nick: Well, you didn't force Jack to alter his dad's will, right?

Phyllis: Yeah, I'm not thinking about Jack. I'm thinking about Noah.

Sharon: Anybody in here in the mood for a Christmas cookie?

Noah: Oh, yeah, these are my favorite.

Sharon: I know!

Noah: Hey! Hey, you found my ornament!

Sharon: Yeah, you know what? Your dad brought that over earlier today. Wasn't that nice of him?

Noah: Yeah, I thought I lost it.

[Jack is standing outside the door and overhears]

Sharon: You know, that star that you bought at your school is great. I love it.

Noah: Well, Jack probably has his own star.

Sharon: You know what? Even if he does, we're gonna use yours. So you two better get busy and cut down a tree.

Kevin: Hey. You gotta check out what I did to--

Gloria: Kevin, please, not now. Not now. He was here.

Kevin: Bardwell?

Gloria: Yeah. And he's not gonna give up.

Kevin: Okay, that's it. I've had enough. He's gonna get what he deserves. He--he taped you, right? Now we tape him, and we take it to the cops.

Gloria: What, so he can go tell the whole wide world about this face cream fiasco? No, Kevin, it's not gonna work that way. He won. I've lost.

Kevin: No. No, you don't mean that--

Gloria: I mean exactly that. I have to marry that man.

Next on "The Young and the Restless"...

Jeff: I won't send you to prison. How's that?

Gloria: Oh, great, you gonna hang that over my head?

Kevin: Mom will kill me if she finds out that you know about this. It is your moral obligation not to rat me out.

Brad: If I am the father, I will do everything I can to keep you away from him.

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