Y&R Transcript Monday 5/28/07

Y&R Transcript Monday 5/28/07 -- Canada; Tuesday 5/29/07 -- USA

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Provided By Eric
Proofread By Emma

Kevin: Here you go. Enjoy!

Amber: Of all days to get a zit! On national television, I get a zit!

Cane: Can't see it.

Amber: Oh, don't lie! Look, I can feel it growing. Look! Look!

Cane: Baby, there's nothing there.

Amber: Oh, you know, forget you. Kevin, you can see it, right? Look.

Kevin: I see... what, your cheek?

Amber: I hate you both.

Kevin: Amber, are you sure you need caffeine today?

Amber: Shut up.

Kevin: I'm sorry. I meant, uh, good luck with, uh, "Extreme Catwalk."

Amber: Thank you.

Cane: She's gonna nail it.

Kevin: Yeah. Oh, and I get to say I knew her before she was rich and famous. (Cell phone ringing)

Kevin: Hello?

Amber: That's what I really want, you know?

Cane: Rich and famous? Who cares?

Amber: Easy for you not to care. You're rich.

Cane: Yeah, but I couldn't love you any more if you were rich or famous.

Amber: Mmm. That's so sweet, but it would really mean a lot to me just to be able to put everything behind me once and for all and not have to take crap from anybody anywhere ever again.

Cane: Who cares what the Forresters have to say or anybody else? I don't. You're gonna go out there. You're gonna win this for yourself, not to stick it to some bunch of jerks from your past who deserve nothing more than a kick in the ass.

Amber: Am I bad for wanting to win so much?

Cane: Oh, you're bad, but not for that reason.

Amber: Come on!

Cane: Sweetheart, you are not going to lose this.

Amber: You are so sweet to me.

Cane: No!

Amber: And when you're so sweet to me, you know what it makes me wanna do to you?

Cane: Note to self-- always be sweet to my wife.

Amber: Come here.

Kevin: Saliva? Did you just say... saliva?

Gloria: Yes, I did say it and please don't make me repeat it. I'm in a public place. I just wanna know why you ran off and didn't leave me the sample kit.

Kevin: Because Evan was lurking. I didn't want him to see me.

Gloria: So hold on a second. Jill? Jill, do you have any more of that delicious coffee?

Jill: Oh, I'm so glad you like it. Yeah, coming right up.

Gloria: Thank you so much. So when can I expect you?

Kevin: Mother, I have done a lot for you in my short life, but obtaining a stranger's saliva sample? That's where I draw the line.

Gloria: Honey, I was planning on doing it myself, but as an official judge on "Extreme Catwalk," I'm a celebrity here and I can't risk anyone seeing me ask a total stranger for samples of their saliva.

Kevin: Oh, and somehow it's okay for me to do it?

Gloria: Honey, nobody knows you. You're not a celebrity, but you're very smart. Offer 50 bucks-- whatever it takes-- swab her cheek. It's simple.

Kevin: Oh, yeah, sure, simple, great. You know, it would be the best pickup line ever, "Hey, Beautiful, I don't really want your phone number, but how about a D.N.A. sample?"

Gloria: I've heard worse. Please just get over here with that sample kit before the D.A. shows up and forces me to give a sample of my D.N.A.

Kevin: Saliva...

Phyllis: J-k-l-m-n-o-p what have we got here?

Phyllis: What do we have here? What do we have there? Huh.

Phyllis: Hey, hey, Michael. Um, listen, I-I'm sorry to leave this on your voicemail, but, um... uh, hey... uh... I have an idea here. Um... you are the best friend imaginable that-- that you would, uh, take custody of my daughter if I--if I go to jail, but, um... and I know that you'd be a great parent-- you and Lauren. Um... but see, this is the thing== this is the thing-- uh, I don't know if my sentence is gonna be, you know, 30 days or--or 30 years. And, um... I-I need to have a contingency plan, because I would rather live in another country than lose custody of my daughter, quite honestly. So I need you to give me a list of the countries that, uh, that don't have an extradition treaty with the united states, if you know what I mean. You might be laughing right now, but this is not funny. Not funny at all. I'm--I'm dead serious, so, um, get back to me as soon as you can, thank you. Yeah, that's a good idea. That's a good idea, baby girl. That is a good idea, baby girl.

Daniel: Hey, Kev, what's up?

Kevin: Hey.

Daniel: Hi, guys.

Amber: Hey.

Cane: Hey.

Amber: Oh, where are the earrings?

Daniel: Ooh, I forgot. Do you need 'em right away?

Amber: Were taping in two hours.

Cane: What's the matter?

Daniel: I kinda promised her that I would bring these earrings.

Amber: He was gonna bring the earrings that I'm borrowing from Lily and he forgot them! Thanks! I just lost the contest, Daniel!

Daniel: I can go back right now.

Amber: No, it's too late! I can't even believe you would do that.

Cane: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Amber: You promised me!

Cane: I'll chauffer the rising star over to Lily's and then I'll take you to the shoot. Just let me get some more coffee first.

Amber: I love you. And, you...

Daniel: Oh, come on, sue me. So I've got a life of my own.

Amber: Lily thinks you have two lives, only one you keep secret.

Daniel: You know what? Don't talk stupid, because Lily's over the whole porn thing.

Amber: That's great if it's true.

Daniel: Ancient history. The ship's sailed, water under bridge, all that good stuff. She's over it. I still don't really think that what I did was wrong, but she hated it, so I quit, and everything's good.

Colleen: Knock knock.

Lily: Hey.

Colleen: Hey. Oh, I hate bill-paying day. It's so depressing.

Lily: No, I'm not, uh, I'm not paying bills. I'm--I'm trying to find out exactly when Daniel started his online porn use.

Colleen: He's not doing that again, is he?

Lily: Well, he says he's not, but I still hate the fact that he got involved with women online who are into porn. I'm just trying to understand his stupid obsession, and hopefully convince myself that he's not completely perverted. You know what? For starters, I need to find out exactly when Cane e-mailed him that photo of those naked breasts.

Brad: There you go. Thank you.

(Telephone ringing)

Brad: Brad Carlton. Why would I wanna reschedule the rest of my appointments for today? Of course, I know the district attorney. No, he doesn't have an appointment. He's on his way here? Thank you.

[Jill remembering]

Gloria: I think everything's all set up for you. We have some snacks, the files have been pulled and of course, drinks. Decaf for Mr. Kim and regular coffee for Jill.

Jill: Oh, it's definitely hot in here.

Ji Min: Yeah. I'm getting a little hot myself.

Gloria: (Gasps)

Will: Jill?!

Jill: Oh, William!

Jill: Yes, Dr. Acosta? Oh, good, that's great news. That's really odd. I don't take any hormone replacement. I don't take any libido enhancers either. Yeah, yeah, no, I will. Thank you, thank you.

Ji Min: Libido enhancers? I don't think you need any of those.

Jill: No, I don't. I don't. I hope it stays that way. It's just that my yearly physical results showed that I have enhanced hormone levels.

Ji Min: Well, do you take yam or another supplement?

Jill: How do you know about yam?

Ji Min: I'm a chemist.

Jill: Yes, that's right, you're a chemist. All right, as a chemist, they mix up bloodwork in the lab all the time, don't they?

Ji Min: Occasionally. Do you, uh, drink herbal teas?

Jill: Only earl grey and coffee. You know something? I had my physical the day after you and I, you know... something must've been going on with my hormones then.

Ji Min: Well, God bless those hormone receptors in the brain.

Jill: That stuff is not affecting them the way it affected us. I mean, she's acting like... sex is the last thing on her mind.

Ji Min: Just give it time.

Jill: We don't have time. They need more.

Ji Min: That stuff is strong.

Jill: So let her fall in love with every man in the place.

Gloria: Oh, just in time!

Jill: I told you this stuff was good.

Gloria: Oh, it's excellent. You know, I just feel so, uh, I don't know, excited!

Jill: Because of the taping.

Gloria: Oh, that reminds me. When the cameras start rolling, just say whatever you want to and I won't be offended no matter what you say about the contestants or me, because it's show biz!

Jill: Oh, Gloria, I am so up for this part. I won't have any trouble dumping on you at all.

Evan: This coffee is so good.

Gloria: It is, isn't it? I told you so!

Lily: Hey, how do I know if Cane really sent that nude picture or if Daniel just lied about where it came from?

Colleen: Well, that you mean that Cane lied to cover for him. Thanks.

Lily: Yeah. Exactly. Which is why if I were Amber, I wouldn't trust him. Because either he had the photo and sent it, or he was willing to lie about it.

Amber: Hello, its Amber!

Lily: Oh, hey, come on in.

Amber: Hey, Colleen, great to see you again.

Cane: Hey.

Colleen: Hi, you two.

Cane: How you doing? Hey.

Amber: Daniel forgot the earrings.

Lily: Oh, earrings, yes!

Amber: Yeah.

Lily: I will get them.

Amber: What's this?

Cane: It looks like you're doing an audit. Not that I've ever been audited.

Colleen: Oh, no, we're just, um...

Lily: Um, you know what? I actually don't want that to get out of order, thanks. Here are the earrings.

Amber: Oh, thank you so much! You guys are gonna come watch, right? I need supporters.

Cane: Oh, besides Daniel and me?

Lily: Oh, Daniel's going?

Cane: Yeah, he's gonna meet me there.

Lily: Okay, well, yeah, I mean, I'll be there as soon as I finish up here, so...

Amber: Cool! Colleen?

Colleen: Yeah, of course.

Amber: Great!

Cane: All right.

Amber: Thanks.

Cane: See you later.

Colleen: Oh, actually, um, I need your number in case I wanna call you when we're at the show.

Amber: Oh, okay, it's 555-0139.

Colleen: Oh, um, thank you, but I was actually talking about Cane, 'cause I can't really call you during the show.

Amber: Oh, right.

Cane: Uh, 555-0197.

Colleen: 9-7. Perfect.

Amber: You know, I'm not sure I like the idea of your phone number in other girl's cell phones. See you there!

Cane: See you later. Bye.

Lily: Bye.

Colleen: Well, that was really lame. "In case we need to call you at the show?"

Lily: Hey, who cares how lame it was? It worked.

Gloria: How was that?

Evan: Oh, perfect! I especially liked the part when you--yes.

Gloria: When I do...

Evan: Do that.

Gloria: Well, you did say that the most important part was to... distract the audience.

Evan: Then you got that down cold.

Gloria: But you know something, Evan? I never realized that performing a trick like this could be so... you know, erotic?

Evan: Erotic? But it is. Especially when you do it like that.

[Will answers his cell phone]

Jill: Yes, hello, Will?

Will: I can't talk right now.

Jill: Uh, listen, you don't wanna miss Gloria's performance.

Will: Her what?

Jill: "Catwalk." We're about to start taping.

Will: I'll be right over. This is simple. We have evidence contradicting your testimony to the grand jury.

Brad: Sharon's testimony.

Will: My office thinks there's merit to your original claim that Phyllis Newman tried to extort you. I have a suggestion.

Brad: A suggestion, not a deal?

Will: Cooperate with the prosecution on the extortion charge, and the state will be inclined to overlook your grand jury testimony.

Brad: And if I don't?

Will: The state's prepared to charge you with perjury.

Brad: I like the way you break into third person when you mean you're ready to charge me.

Will: You have three hours. It's a good offer. I notified your attorney. Oh... once you're charged, it's a lot harder to make it go away.

(Knock on door)

Sharon: Can I come in?

Brad: Sure.

Sharon: I saw the district attorney leaving earlier.

Brad: Oh, yeah, we're tight. He's my new best friend.

Sharon: So how did that go? I mean, if you can talk about it.

Brad: Probably not, but what the hell?

Sharon: Bad?

Brad: Pretty bad, yeah. Either I decide to testify against Phyllis, or I get charged with perjury. Three hours to decide. I'm trying to be philosophical about it, but it ain't working.

Sharon: Wow. This just keeps getting worse.

Brad: And worse.

Sharon: Because of me.

Brad: Like hell because of you.

Sharon: Well, I didn't back you up when I testified.

Brad: You mean you didn't lie? Come on, Sharon, you did not cause this. I caused it by lying about our affair, or we caused it by having the affair, or Phyllis caused it by threatening to expose the affair. I mean, you know, whatever.

Sharon: So what are you gonna do?

Brad: Well, let's see. If I agree to testify, I send the widowed mother of a 5-month-old to jail. If I don't, I get convicted of perjury. I choose neither. What would you choose?

Michael: Sharon and Brad's conflicting testimony might even help your situation.

Phyllis: Why?

Michael: Well, the district attorney is not gonna wanna go after you if he can't even get them to agree on the basis for this alleged threat of extortion. So... promise me-- promise me that you won't do anything rash, like leave the country.

Phyllis: I'm afraid.

Michael: Yeah, well, you haven't even been indicted yet.

Phyllis: I'm still afraid.

Michael: Yeah, I haven't heard that promise.

Phyllis: Okay, I promise I won't leave the country without telling you.

Michael: Not funny.

Phyllis: It was funny.

Michael: No, does this face look amused?

Phyllis: A little bit. A little bit.

Michael: All right, you know what? I mean it. No leaving the country. We're gonna wait to see how much pressure they put on Brad, then we're gonna wait to see what he will eventually say when and if they call him in for more testimony. But let's not forget, meantime, Gloria's gonna make her appearance as a judge on "Extreme Catwalk" today.

Phyllis: What does that have to do with anything?

Michael: Whoa! Though you might ask. You see, Gloria is a ham. She's a great, big ham. And you put her in front of a camera, I can guarantee you that something will happen to make your problems look like yesterday's news.

Kevin: Hey, excuse me, uh, do you know where I might be able to find Gloria Abbott?

Woman: She might be over there.

Kevin: Thanks.

Woman: Mm-hmm.

Kevin: Hey, Mom, I--oh, sorry. Um...

(Cell phone ringing)

Kevin: Mom? I can hear your phone.

Jill: Uh, I wouldn't go in there.

Kevin: What?

[Kevin opens up the curtain to the tent and Gloria has her leg up in the air and Kevin quickly closes the curtain]

Kevin: Excuse me.

Jill: I'm gonna see if William's here.

Kevin: Hi. Uh, this is gonna sound like a weird question, but... if I offer you $50, will you let me take a D.N.A. sample in your cheek? What?

Kevin: Hey, you know, it could be fun!

Amber: Contestant Amber reporting for duty.

Woman: Okay, right this way.

Amber: Oh, hold on. Wish me luck.

Cane: You don't need luck.

Amber: Oh, thank you!

Amber: Daniel, it's me. Um, I think you're wrong about Lily.

Daniel: Wrong how?

Amber: I don't think she's over your internet fun and games.

Daniel: How do you know?

Amber: Well, she was going through your phone records like an F.B.I. agent. I think she's investigating you.

Daniel: Ah. I think that you're overreacting a little bit. She pays the bills, so that's completely routine.

Amber: Okay, I'm just saying, I know what I saw.

Daniel: And I'm just saying we're cool.

Amber: If you say so. You really have quit the online porn, right? You're not just saying that?

Daniel: Yes, yes, I quit. Look, I gotta go, okay? I gotta get back to work so I can get over to your taping. Bye.

Phyllis: One adult and one infant. Yes, one way, thank you.

Daniel: Mom?

Phyllis: Uh, I'll call you right back.

Daniel: Planning a trip? It sounds like you're going someplace.

Jill: Oh! Excuse me! I'll see you later. I was so afraid you were gonna miss the taping.

Will: Where's the show?

Jill: Come on, come on, it's outside.

Will: Can't I get something to drink first?

Jill: There's stuff outside.

Kevin: 50 bucks, a quick swab of your cheek-- what do you say? We'll talk later.

Jill: Gloria looks very nice in stage makeup.

Will: Can I get some water first?

Jill: There's-- there's water in here.

Kevin: Mom, Bardwell. Now.

Jill: She's dying to see you.

Will: Okay.

Jill: Okay, come on.

Gloria: Uh-huh, and thank you very much for calling. I'll need those appraisals right away. Okay, good.

Will: Hey, movie star!

Gloria: Hey! Oh, you made it! Oh, you look good!

Will: Well, thank you, so do you. Listen, lab technician's on the way over to get your D.N.A. sample, and I do not want you disappearing this time.

Gloria: Yes, William, I know, business, business, business.

Evan: Uh, excuse me, you two. I just... have to go.

Gloria: I am so glad you came.

Evan: Wow! Those, uh, real? Those?

Jill: Touch me, I chew your hand off.

Evan: Oh, can I get one of these? Thank you. How old are you?

Phyllis: I-I am not being dramatic. I-I-I am very, very calm about this decision. Listen... I would rather leave the country and live somewhere else than lose custody of my daughter, Daniel.

Daniel: I get it. You know what? No, I totally get it.

Phyllis: Good.

Daniel: What do you think about Mommy's little plan here, Summer, hmm? I think a great idea. Yeah.

Phyllis: You do?

Daniel: Yeah. As a matter of fact, it's such a great idea that I came up with it first.

Phyllis: Wait, you never told me-- (sighs) okay, okay, I feel a reprimand coming on.

Daniel: You see, I was on trial. That remind you of Mommy? Yeah. And, uh, rather than face jail time, I decided to run away, which went against every bit of advice that I was given.

Phyllis: Well, you never listened to my advice during that time.

Daniel: This is true. I never listened to Mommy's advice. And you know where that got me? You know where? It got me in a whole lot more trouble. Yeah. You see, I had to go to jail anyways. And aunt Lily wound up in boarding school. Boarding school is-- it's kinda like a jail for kids. I'm sure you'll learn about it.

Phyllis: Hey, hey, hey, hey, don't give her nightmares.

Daniel: I guess what I'm trying to say is... I think that Mommy's idea to leave the country with you is wrong and bad, misguided, ill-advised. It's terrible in every way. Huh? What? You agree with me? She... see?

Phyllis: She agrees with you.

Daniel: Yeah.

Phyllis: Yeah, yeah, I see that. Okay, okay, point taken. Thank you very much. It really annoys me when you are occasionally more mature than me. And you're a smart alec, too.

Daniel: I'm more mature than you?

Phyllis: Yeah-- that's the only time I'm gonna say it, okay? Go do your thing. Go to the taping, please. Point taken. So, go, get out of here.

Daniel: You know what else? I happen to know where Mommy keeps her wallet. Mm-hmm. And I think I'm gonna get it before she does and keep it the whole trial. Just so we don't have any strange trips planned.

Phyllis: That's very funny. Ha ha ha.

Daniel: I'm serious about that.

Brad: Phyllis. Somebody said they saw you in the building.

Phyllis: I'm working on Jack's campaign, Brad.

Brad: Right, right. How's the baby?

Phyllis: Great, beautiful, you know.

Brad: Yes, I do know. Of course, I almost didn't see her because of the elephant in the room.

Phyllis: Oh, you mean the extortion charge?

Brad: Which you and I can't really talk about.

Phyllis: Oh, please, what more can they do to us?

Brad: Oh, I don't know. Well, if I don't testify against you, they'll charge me with perjury.

Phyllis: What will you do? I mean, you don't want all your real estate in Clear Springs to become a factor, do you?

Brad: Become a factor?

Phyllis: Which it will, if you join the prosecution.

Brad: Testify, don't testify, not a lot of happy endings to either story.

Phyllis: There's a lot in my life I would take back if I could.

Brad: Mmm. Yeah. Ditto.

Phyllis: I call do-overs. Oh, that's right, we don't get any do-overs.

Brad: No. No, we don't. Really too bad about that.

Colleen: Oh, we better get going or we're gonna be late for the show.

Lily: Wait, this doesn't make any sense. Daniel got that picture between March and April, but didn't call Cane not even once during that time? Does that make sense to you?

Colleen: Not even a call and say, "Thanks for the porn, Dude"?

Lily: Unless... well, I don't wanna call Cane and have him think I'm spying on him. You know what? I'm gonna call Amber and see if he changed his number.

Colleen: Lily, how are you gonna do that? That's gonna look suspicious.

Lily: Wait, maybe I don't have to. Look at this. Amber's number, okay?

Colleen: Mm-hmm.

Lily: Amber's number.

Colleen: Right.

Lily: Amber's number. Amber's number.

Colleen: So she...

Lily: She sent the naked picture. Amber sent it.

Sharon: Oops! Sorry.

Phyllis: Sorry. Its okay, I've become the master at surviving the inadvertently awkward moment. It's the story of my life, really.

Sharon: Aha.

Phyllis: So...

Sharon: Yeah, uh, too bad I don't know, uh, anything about baseball, because then we could make some small talk or something.

Phyllis: Yeah, or the weather.

Sharon: Yeah, the weather-- that's a good topic.

Phyllis: Yeah, good.

Sharon: Yeah.

Phyllis: Movies, kids? Kids.

Sharon: Phyllis... I want you to know, I... I can honestly say that I-- I did not and I do not want to see you separated from your daughter.

Phyllis: Thank you. And I can honestly say that I would not want you to perjure yourself in court. I know that you have a child to think about.

Sharon: Yeah. And I will... continue to teach him as he grows, as I'm sure you will with Summer, um... that you should just tell the truth. You should always tell the truth. I guess now I'll just have to add... sometimes when you tell the truth, it can hurt a lot of people, you know?

Cane: What do you want?

Daniel: Uh, a water, please.

Cane: There you go.

Daniel: Thanks. Cheers. Whatever we're celebrating.

Cane: My life. My life, Mate.

Daniel: Why your life?

Cane: I'm on a roll, I gotta tell you. I found my mum. I got a great job. I got a fantastic wife. You know, I never thought of myself as a married type, but I'm married. I can't believe it. I mean, she's funny, she's smart, she's sexy, she's talented. She got in this competition on sheer persistence.

Daniel: Sounds to me like you're in love.

Cane: Every day I wake up, I look at her and I think to myself, "That�s my wife." Me! Mate, I am so lucky.

Daniel: I know what you're talking about.

Cane: Mmm. Did I say she was sexy?

Daniel: Mmm.

Cane: She is so sexy. I gotta tell you.

Daniel: Yes, you told me she was sexy.

Cane: Man!

Lily: Man, I am gonna kill Amber when I find her. Where does she get off sending my husband naked pictures?

Colleen: Well, don't do anything until you know for sure.

Lily: Colleen, who else would use her phone?

Colleen: Cane sent everything else, maybe he sent the photo, too.

Lily: No, why would he use his wife's phone for that?

Colleen: Let's say his battery died, so he grabbed Amber's. I don't know, Lily. Just don't do anything until you're certain.

Lily: No, no, you know what? That's a dumb theory. That would mean that-- that, what, Amber keeps pictures of naked girls on her cell phone?

Colleen: I just said that because I didn't know what else to say, okay?

Lily: Wait, you don't think her and Cane are into sending each other porn, do you?

Colleen: Maybe.

Lily: Well, if that's the case, then wouldn't she have pictures of naked guys?

Colleen: And he would have pictures of naked girls. Unless she was downloading and sending 'em to him, using them as background screens?

Lily: Wait, you think that she has naked pictures of girls and guys on her phone?

Colleen: Lily, I don't know. But I am kind of wondering if they're into nude pictures, what else are they into?

Lily: Please don't say kinkier stuff.

Colleen: Well, I'm not the right person to ask.

Lily: You mean, like swinging?

Colleen: I don't wanna think about it. Just stop.

Lily: Like a secret club or something?

Colleen: No, stop. Just stop.

Lily: Wait, well, maybe-- maybe Amber meant to send Cane the picture, but somehow it got misdialed?

Woman: Quiet on the set, please! And we're at five... four... three... applause! Applause!

Nigel: Welcome to a very special edition of "Extreme Catwalk." I'm your host, Nigel Barker, and I'm very pleased to introduce our guest judges. We have Jill Abbott, who is the C.E.O. of Jabot Cosmetics.

Gloria: Former C.E.O.

Nigel: And, of course, we have Gloria Abbott, who is the vice president of creative affairs at the very same corporation. Now, judges, with the fate of today's contestants in your hands, do you have any advice for them? Jill?

Jill: Well, I hope that they don't come to us with any half-developed ideas, 'cause if we're gonna take the time to judge their work, we want it to be worthwhile.

Nigel: Well, I'm sure they got that message loud and clear. Gloria?

Gloria: I would say, do the best you can and no matter what happens, always feel good about yourselves.

Nigel: Now there's advice we can all live by.

Jill: There's advice you can't build a retirement fund on.

Gloria: Nigel, would you mind very much if I add something personal?

Nigel: Not too personal, I hope there.

Gloria: Of course not. No, today is a very special day for me, and I wanna share it with our audience. I just got engaged to the most wonderful man, William Bardwell. And he's standing... right over there. Love you, honey.

Nigel: Oh, can we get a shot of the lucky guy? And how about a round of applause for our lovebirds, Gloria and William.

Gloria: Thank you. And, Nigel, I do hope you join us at the wedding.

Nigel: Ah, now there's an offer--

Jill: Could we please get back to the competition? Or have we stumbled on some tired episode of "it's all about me" starring Gloria Abbott?

Man: And cut!

Woman: Tape stopped.

Gloria: Ahem. Jill? That was perfect! That was perfect!

Jill: Thanks.

(Applause)

Nigel: Thank you very much. Judges, what do you think of that design?

Gloria: I can't believe it. The combination of lace and pearls with the cotton with the satin-- with that hat-- now this is a combination-- very Chanel-y-- that you might not normally see.

Jill: Except in a Mardi Gras nightmare.

Gloria: Oh, come on, Jill, I think it works-- the lace and the pearls and everything. But it's those gloves-- those sheer gloves that take it out of daytime and into something very, very special.

Jill: Are we looking at the same thing here? I mean, the only transformation that is taking place, Gloria, is in your imagination. I mean, the reality is, this is clunky monstrosity I wouldn't let my kids go trick-or-treating in on Halloween.

Audience: Boo! Boo!

Gloria: Well, Nigel, this is America and Jill is entitled to her opinion.

Jill: And you're entitled to buy a pair of eyeglasses.

Nigel: Okay, overall, in a scale of 1 to 10, how do you think they did? Gloria?

Gloria: Jill? I give this outfit-- this wonderful outfit-- an 8.5!

Nigel: Jill?

Jill: I don't think it deserves to be on a scale of 1 to 10. I give it a minus-2.

Audience: Ooh!

Nigel: Okay! Well, we'll be right back with the next contestant right after these messages.

Man: And... cut! Let's take ten, boys.

Gloria: Boy, oh, boy! After you, Nigel.

Nigel: Yeah.

Ji Min: You were fabulous.

Jill: It's very therapeutic for me.

Gloria: Oh, Honey, Honey, so, how am I doing?

Will: You're doing great, but, uh, Jill's kinda harsh, isn't she?

Gloria: Well, she's supposed to be. All these reality competitions-- they have a bitchy judge and that's Jill. Because she does it so well!

Will: So everybody has fun but the contestants?

Gloria: Yeah, well, kinda something like that.

Will: Mmm. Well, look, the lab technician is here somewhere. Why don't we go find him and he can grab your sample while you're not taping.

Gloria: Uh, Honey, I think I need to check my makeup.

Will: Oh, you look great. Come on.

Gloria: Do I? Thank you. Okay. Thank you. I just don't know how much time we have before we have to get back.

Will: You'll have enough time.

Amber: Gloria!

Gloria: Yes, Amber, what is it?

Amber: Okay, I need your opinion. Should I use body makeup to cover up my mole, or should I just use more fabric?

Gloria: You see? Where's your mole?

Will: Uh, excuse me, I'll go find...

Amber: It's on my breast. See?

Gloria: Right there? I don't really have a problem with it, but let's go ask makeup.

Amber: Okay.

Gloria: We'll go get some makeup.

Lily: Amber has a mole on her breast!

Colleen: So?

Amber: So in the picture he sent Daniel, there was a mole!

Colleen: So they are Amber's breasts?

[Lily remembering]

Lily: Oh, hey! Um, Amber, I didn't know you were coming by. Uh, what's going on? Oh, my gosh!

Kevin: Oh, good, Mom! I'm glad you're finally taking care of this.

Gloria: Uh-huh. Oh! So you're telling me that everything you need to know... is right in there? Isn't that something?

Sharon: You know I could never justify what we did... in terms of your marriage. But at least there was no malice involved.

Brad: No, there wasn't. We never meant to hurt anyone.

Sharon: And I'm grateful.

Brad: For what?

Sharon: I'm grateful... that I had all those hours in that hotel, in that bed, with you. I'm grateful for that.

Sharon: And how... odd and how sad and ironic that something so beautiful as making love would turn into something so ugly. (Knock on door)

Man: Bradley Carlton?

Brad: That's right.

Man: This is a warrant for your arrest.

Brad: What are the charges?

Man: Perjury. I'll need you to come with me.

Lily: Amber?

Amber: Hey, are you having fun?

Lily: No! That naked picture Cane supposedly sent to Daniel came from your cell phone.

Amber: Not possible.

Lily: And it was a picture of you!

Amber: Shut up!

Lily: Why would you send a naked picture of yourself to my husband?!

Amber: I would never do that!

Lily: Amber, they're your breasts!

Amber: What? Like you would know?!

Lily: I would, because there was a mole! The exact one that you're covering up.

Amber: Okay, you know what? You are crazy. Just get out of here!

Lily: What is wrong with you?

Amber: Okay, you want wrong?

Lily: A picture of your breasts?! That is disgusting, Amber!

Amber: No, that was not me! You don't know what you're talking about! Those were not my breasts!

Lily: Yes, they were!

Amber: You do not know what you're talking about!

Lily: God, you are such a slut! Everything about you is disgusting! Who sends out naked pictures of themselves?!

Next on "The Young and the Restless"...

Jack: I'm not saying I regret marrying you.

Sharon: You just despise the things that I do. Well, that's much better.

Daniel: Lily, I have never cheated on you.

Lily: I don't believe you.

Victoria: When are you gonna start thinking about me first, instead of your mistress.

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