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Passions Transcript Monday 8/27/07
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Proofread By Jodi
Tabitha: Don't speak too soon, Endora. Something awful's bound to happen.
Norma: Come on, Tabby cat, the kid done good for once.
Edna: Thank you. Thank you, thank you, Kay. Boy, so nice to have a night off. Tabby works us to the bone and I'm so sick of my dishpan hands.
Tabitha: You two work? Since when?
Edna: You see what I mean? She is a slave driver. Never satisfied.
Kay: You know what? You're never going to have to worry again. Because now that I've got my powers under control, you will never have to lift a finger again the rest of your life. I can't wait! Magic is going to make my life with Miguel perfect.
Tabitha: You are mad, Kay. You're not trained, and yet you take risk after risk. This is all going to blow up in your face, you know. And as for Miguel, well, he's already totally confused about your mistakes tonight.
Kay: Can't you just give me a little credit for once? Gosh, this spell is working fine. You know what? You just wait, you just wait, because with my powers, my life with Miguel's going to be a day at the beach.
Tabitha: The day a tsunami hits, maybe.
Miguel: Thank you so much for coming over like this, Dr. Wilson.
Dr. Wilson: Well, I don't usually make house calls, Miguel, but you sounded so upset on the phone.
Miguel: Please, sit.
Dr. Wilson: Thank you. So, what seems to be the trouble?
Miguel: Ah, I don't know where to begin.
Dr. Wilson: Don't worry. Patients' first sessions are often awkward. Just relax, trust in me. Your innermost thoughts will begin to flow. So, tell me, what is it that's bothering you so much that you felt compelled to contact a psychiatrist?
Miguel: Everything. I never thought I would say this to anyone, Dr. Wilson, but -- but I think I'm going crazy.
Fancy: Everything Pretty said was the God's honest truth. I did throw those pool chemicals in Pretty's face. I destroyed my own sister's life. And for years I have tried to pretend it never happened, but that won't work anymore. Because I made my sister into a monster, and I'm a monster, too.
Luis: No, you're not. Fancy, no you are not. Listen to me, I know you. I know you would never even hurt a flea. There's gotta be some sort of explanation for what happened.
Fancy: Well, there is.
Fancy: It's staring you in the face. I have tried to tell myself I was different, but it's no use, Luis. I am a Crane. Evil is in our blood. I'm a -- I'm a reptile, just like my grandfather, just like all the rest of them.
Theresa: Ethan, wake up. Ethan, you got to wake up. Come on. Oh, God, I did this to him. I told him the truth about Little Ethan and the -- the shock has killed him. I can't feel if you're breathing. Oh, my God. Help, help me please, somebody help me! I think my husband is dead!
Theresa: Come on, honey. Come on, you can wake up. Please, please wake up.
Alistair: Why all the drama, my dear? Your husband's very much alive.
Fancy: How appropriate we're in here for this conversation -- Grandfather's lair, ground zero for wickedness. No wonder I feel so much at home.
Luis: You don't mean that.
Fancy: Luis, come on, can't you see it? It's true. I am a Crane. We are all alike. I'm no different.
Luis: Well, I don't buy that for one second.
Fancy: Look at what I did to Pretty. You saw her face. Her whole life has been ruined because of me.
Luis: It was an accident! Fancy, you know that, ok? You would never throw pool chemicals on your sister's face on purpose!
Fancy: Yeah, I tried to tell myself that.
Luis: Come on.
Fancy: That I never meant for it to happen. I almost had myself convinced that I couldn't hurt anyone the way I hurt Pretty, but -- it's no use, you know? Selfishness and cruelty are just as much a part of me as my own skin and bones, Luis. I am evil.
Luis: Fancy --
Fancy: No, I -- I'm tired of making excuses to everyone and to myself. That is what my grandfather did. You know, no matter what he did, he always blamed someone else for it and I won't do that. I have to take responsibility for my own actions. The only explanation for what happened between Pretty and me is that I am a true Crane.
Theresa: Alistair. You're -- you're dead.
Alistair: Aw, that's odd. I feel fine.
Theresa: The -- the train in Italy, it crashed. The missile -- it fell off the mountain, I mean, you're supposed to be dead.
Alistair: Well, I -- you know, Theresa, I am rather shocked. I had hoped for a warmer welcome from my loving, devoted wife. And let's not forget you are my wife. Till death do us part.
Theresa: Oh, Mother of God, help me.
Alistair: Oh, I see that you have embraced your mother's fanatical religious beliefs. I imagine becoming a widow was devastating, so you had to reach out for something that's going to help you through your grief.
Theresa: Ok, you know, we can just discuss this later. I need help. Something is wrong with Ethan.
Alistair: Yes, I can see that.
Theresa: He -- he collapsed all of a sudden and I can't tell if he is breathing.
Alistair: Mm-hmm, well, he's -- he has looked better. But I do treasure his silence.
Theresa: Can you just help me, please?
Alistair: This is a beautiful room, the kind of room they used to use in films for couples on their honeymoon.
Theresa: Alistair, please --
Alistair: Is there something I should know, Theresa?
Theresa: I need you to help me now!
Alistair: It's too late! Face it. Ethan is dead.
Miguel: Ok, you see, strange things have always happened in this town, yet I've always been able to keep a level head about it, but now -- now I think I'm losing my mind, Dr. Wilson.
Dr. Wilson: Interesting. Could you be a bit more specific?
Miguel: Ok, let's see, in -- in --
Dr. Wilson: What's happened to make you feel this way?
Miguel: In the blink of an eye, I find myself in strange places, doing strange things, and I have no idea how I got there. Sometimes I think I've been dreaming, but I haven't been asleep, and I have these strange memories.
Dr. Wilson: For instance?
Miguel: For instance, I remember my body was split in two. Oh, my God, what's happening? Miguel, Miguel, Miguel, please, please, please -- how? I must be seeing things! I don't know about you, Dr. Wilson, but I think I'm ready for the funny farm.
Dr. Wilson: Ah, I don't like those fantasies.
Miguel: See? You might think they're fantasies, but in my head they don't feel like fantasies. They feel like memories.
Dr. Wilson: Those are fantasies of self-abasement. Simply would indicate guilt or low self-esteem. So what else concerns you?
Miguel: Ok, the fact that all these images come out of nowhere at odd moments. Ok, they couldn't have happened, but yet, they seem like they did. In my head they don't feel like fantasies, they feel like memories.
Dr. Wilson: Fascinating.
Miguel: I'm glad you find that fascinating because then, we were here. I was having dinner here with our landlady, Tabitha, and two of her friends. So not only did I imagine Hawaii, but I imagined the date at the Seascape, too.
Dr. Wilson: I want you to take a deep breath, Miguel, and think. Now, tell me, what sort of relationship do you have with your mother?
Miguel: With my mother? You know what, I'm not finished, ok? [Whispers] I see things. I see strange things.
Dr. Wilson: Could you give me another example?
Miguel: Ok, right before I called you was the last straw. I told you we were having dinner. I look over and all of a sudden, the dishes are airborne. The dishes are flying, Dr. Wilson. They elevate from the table and they were making their way towards the kitchen.
Dr. Wilson: Hmm. Now, I really do need to know more about your mother.
Miguel: This has nothing to do with my mother, Dr. Wilson! Look at me, ok? Can't you see I'm going crazy right now?
Tabitha: I don't like this one bit.
Kay: Stop worrying.
Norma: Kay, the dishes are washing themselves beautifully, but they are still wet. Do you think you can get them to dry themselves, too?
Kay: Oh, piece of cake!
Tabitha: Ah, here we go.
Kay: Oh, hush! Ok, listen up, you soggy dishes, I'm in charge, so obey my wishes.
Tabitha: Enough with the rhyming, Kay. It's worse than your magic.
Kay: I will have you know I got an "A" in creative writing, ok? All right, just use the air to dry yourselves so Norma doesn't have to lift a finger.
Norma: [Chuckles] Oh.
Kay: What's happening?
Tabitha: Figure it out!
Tabitha: Kay, stop it, stop it at once.
Kay: All right, all right. Stop the drying. Go back to the washing. Less air, more bubbles!
[Wind stops howling]
Edna: Hurricane Hattie strikes again.
Kay: Don't start with me. Everything's just fine now.
Norma: Too close for comfort if you ask me.
Kay: Ok, it's not a big deal. We had a problem and I fixed it. Everything's back to normal.
Tabitha: I think not, dear.
Edna: Whoa. You think you used enough soap? Whew!
Theresa: He can't be dead.
Alistair: Well, no pulse, no breathing. It doesn't sound like he's in the pink.
Theresa: We need to help him.
Alistair: Oh, trust me, Theresa. Ethan is dead. I mean, he would have had to have a very powerful constitution to survive that poison.
Alistair: Ah, yeah. The strawberries, they were laced with it.
Alistair: Yes, me. Mea culpa, mea culpa. I sent the strawberries and the champagne.
Theresa: You monster!
Alistair: Ah, Theresa, come on. Expand that vocabulary of yours. Try "fiend," "demon," "ogre." There are so many different possibilities.
Theresa: You can't be dead. Oh, God, why would you do this to him? He wasn't a threat to you. We all thought that you were dead. Why would you want to kill him?
Alistair: I didn't. The strawberries weren't for him. They were for you.
Norma: Love muffin, are you in here?
Edna: Right here, my kumquat!
Norma: Kay! Get this dishwashing soap off my Edna. She has very sensitive skin.
Kay: I'm sorry.
Tabitha: Well, I venture to say that your magic fix wasn't exactly perfect, was it?
Kay: Don't worry. I'll fix it.
Norma and Edna: No!
Tabitha: This is where you come in, Endora.
Tabitha: Do you want soap bubbles on your cookies, soap bubbles on your milk, everywhere, do you?
Tabitha: What do you say, Kay?
Kay: [Mutters] Thank you, Endora.
Tabitha: Ah, I didn't quite hear that, dear.
Kay: Thank you, Endora.
Edna: Uh-oh. A woman's work is never done. These dishes are not going to be drying themselves, peaches.
Norma: Let's hit it, sweet cheeks.
Tabitha: Well, the fun is over. Although, frankly, I didn't think it was much fun. You've got to stop this, Kay. You're getting addicted to magic. And you don't have the training or the experience, and you don't know how to control your powers yet.
Kay: Well, I'm learning.
Tabitha: Well, yeah. Only by trial and error, and that is no way to learn anything. It takes years and years to understand your capabilities. Now I know you need to practice your magic, but only under supervision and in the proper environment. Not around people you love! I mean, something could go wrong and then you -- you may hurt someone, or worse.
Kay: I'm not going to let that happen.
Tabitha: You don't know. I mean, look at poor Miguel. He's already totally confused, and every time we put another spell of forgetfulness on him, then he becomes even more addled. And you know, these spells, they don't erase memories. No, they just sort of mask them. That poor boy, he is -- he doesn't know whether he is coming or going.
Kay: Yeah, well, I just want to make him happy.
Tabitha: Kay, I can't really believe I'm saying this to you, but you don't need magic to make Miguel happy. Miguel loves you, and love is the most powerful magic of all. So you should just trust it and go with it. But, oh, no, you just keep rushing headlong into one disaster after another. If you're not careful, my girl, your powers will lose you Miguel.
Tabitha: Well, misused magic can do terrible things. I've seen it all before. Even back before the time when you mortals crawled out of the slime and asked me for love potions. And in the blink of an eye, false love can turn into hatred.
Kay: Oh, it won't. It can't.
Tabitha: Kay, dear, I have known you since you were born. I've seen you chasing after Miguel for years and years and now you have him. You have him! I would hate to see your powers cost you the relationship you fought so hard for.
Kay: Look, Tabitha, that's not going to happen. Miguel and I are -- we're fine. We're more than fine, and nothing, especially my magic, is going to change that.
Miguel: Dr. Wilson, can't you help me, please? I think there's something completely wrong with me.
Dr. Wilson: I must admit, what you're describing does sound troubling.
Miguel: It's worse than that, ok? I feel like I'm completely losing touch with reality, and I don't know what to do. I'm about to marry the most loving woman in the world, and we have a daughter together, Maria, who we both love with all our hearts. You would think everything would be perfect, but I'm scared. What if I'm going nuts?
Dr. Wilson: We don't use that word.
Miguel: "Nuts"? But that's what I feel like, Dr. Wilson. I mean, if I'm going nuts, I think Kay would be better off without me.
Dr. Wilson: Now, now. Don't give in to dramatics.
Miguel: What do I have to say to get through to you, doctor? I'm losing my mind. What if I hurt Kay or Maria, huh? Before that happens, I think I need to leave Harmony forever.
Luis: Don't you think you're overreacting?
Fancy: No, I think just the opposite. Any normal person would have been racked with guilt or in therapy years ago. But no, not me. Not selfish Fancy Crane. I threw acid in my sister's face and I just moved on.
Luis: No, you didn't, you didn't. I don't care what you say, I don't believe you 'cause I know that you didn't. I know that you would never hurt anyone on purpose. You wouldn't --
Fancy: You think you know me. But then you thought you knew Aunt Sheridan, didn't you? She's a Crane. Ha, the ultimate Crane. She wanted something -- you -- and then what? She decided she had to have you no matter what she had to do or who she had to hurt. We're all the same, Luis. In my whole family, we're evil. It's in our DNA.
Luis: No, no you're not. Now please, would you stop? Would you stop with the nonsense, ok? Evil is not passed down from generation to generation. In fact, there's nothing evil about you, ok? You are the kindest, most gentle woman that I have ever known, all right?
Fancy: You don't know anything about me.
Luis: Yes, I do. I know that I love you. I know that I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to make babies with you. I know that I want you to be with me to face the toughest of times, ok?
Fancy: Those are beautiful words --
Luis: All right.
Fancy: But they're just words, Luis --
Luis: Fancy, come on --
Fancy: I can't be with you. I won't put you through it, so whatever we've had is over as of right now.
Theresa: You wanted to kill me?
Alistair: Yes, of course. I mean, why would I waste my venom on someone like, uh, Ethan Winthrop? No, the strawberries were for you, and I assumed that you were going to eat them, but then it turns out that, uh, greedy Ethan here ate just about each and every one of them. He didn't have a chance.
Theresa: Don't you even care? I mean, you thought that he was your grandchild for over 25 years.
Alistair: Yes, but then it was revealed he wasn't. He didn't have any of my blood in him, so I discarded him. I mean, after all, I don't care whether he lives or dies. It means absolutely nothing to me. But I do care if you live or die. You know, here's one last strawberry left. Interesting. I've never been one to deny you a treat, Theresa, so I just want to make sure that you eat your delicious strawberry. It's so succulent and I want you to eat each and every little bit of it.
Luis: You don't mean that.
Fancy: Yes, I do. I have to. Our relationship is over and I never want to see you again.
Luis: Well, see, now I know you're losing it.
Fancy: No, um, I'm thinking clearly for the first time in years. See, I love you, and people shouldn't hurt the ones they love, so I have to let you go. I don't want to pull you any further into the Crane web of pain and destruction. Any child we had together would be cursed, and passing on the Crane heritage to a child is worse than passing on some awful birth defect.
Luis: Fancy, you're not making any sense. You really --
Fancy: Ok, well just listen to me, Luis. You are too wonderful a man to be stuck with the likes of me. You need to find a good, kind woman, someone who comes from a nice and normal family.
Luis: Normal? What the hell is normal, anyway, ok? Because all the families I know, they're all screwed up in one way or another.
Fancy: Yeah, but not like mine. We're full of hatred and manipulation. You need to just stay away from me, Luis, from Sheridan, from all of us Cranes because you deserve better.
Luis: But you're the one that I want. I'd sacrifice anything to be with you.
Fancy: Don't you see? You already have sacrificed everything to be with me. You almost lost your life.
Luis: So what? Life's not worth living if it's not with you anyway. Do you realize that I would do anything for you?
Fancy: Because you've bought into an idea of what I'm really like. You don't know the real me, Luis. But if I have one saving grace, it's that, yes, I do love you. But that's why I have to push you away. See, I have to set you free so you can find someone who won't destroy your life. It's for your own good.
Theresa: Why are you doing this?
Alistair: Haven't you figured it out yet, Mrs. Crane? I know the truth.
Theresa: The truth?
Alistair: Yes. I know about the bastard son you had with Ethan. That means that Little Ethan is not a Crane, and you made a fool out of me. You had me make your bastard child my one and only Crane heir.
Theresa: You -- you did that. You can tear up the will. You can take all the money. I don't want any of it. I just -- I need to save Ethan. Please, please, let us live.
Alistair: [Chuckles] Let you live. Oh, not a chance and let the whole world find out that you made a fool out of me. Eat up, Theresa. No one will ever know that Little Ethan isn't a Crane.
Tabitha: Don't forget the counters, girls.
Kay: I guess I'll just take out the trash and check on Miguel.
Norma: In other words, you're getting out while the getting's good.
Tabitha: Well, I think it's time for everyone to go to bed. Especially you, Endora. You're far too young to be staying up so late these nights.
Tabitha: Don't you be sassy with me, sweet pea. Smart witches get their beauty sleep. Even I'm tired.
Edna: [Yawns] You know, the sack sounds good to me. Boy, these wild nights are really taking it out of me, honey.
Norma: I'm with you, pizza pie.
Norma: I thought life in the nuthouse was a circus, but this house has it beat to hell. It's a three-ring circus at Tabby's all the time.
Tabitha: Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Edna: Hey, I always wanted to be a clown.
Norma: And I always wanted a good stout whip.
Tabitha: Endora, now you've really gone and done it. Now, anyone -- anyone from the Bennett house could just walk by here and look in and see everything that's going on. [Sighs] [Gasps] A good mime is a dead mime.
Edna: Oh, honey, hi. You remind me of my best pal, Nurse Precious. Do you know her, huh? [Chuckles] Oh, what a shame, you know, because -- ah -- what a gal. She could make the best gin and tonic this side of the Poconos. And boy was she a looker, too. I mean, here, you could just see for yourself, huh? Hmm?
Edna: Yeah. Oh, yeah, see, you know what I mean. [Chuckles] Oh, I miss that orangutan more than words could say. I just hope she's happy with her own kind in sunny climes.
Norma: Aw, honey, I'm sure she's fine wherever she is.
Edna: Oh, but, Normie, nobody knew her like I did. I mean, what if she's lonely or sick? What if she doesn't have any burritos where she is, for heaven sakes. That -- that gal, she could knock back six hot chile burritos in one pop. [Chuckles] Yeah.
Tabitha: Endora, this is enough. You've got to change it back. I don't want my kitchen to be a circus.
Norma: Oh, chill out, Tabitha. Let the kid have some fun. Hey, Endora, how about we try to get Fluffy to jump through a ring of fire?
Dr. Wilson: Miguel, before you decide to make any major changes in your life, I think we first need to determine whether or not there really is a problem.
Miguel: Oh, there's a problem, all right. Ok, I'm going completely bonkers. I'm going nuts.
Dr. Wilson: [Whispering] We don't use that word.
Miguel: Listen, I love Kay and Maria and I can't subject them to the rantings of a madman. Do you realize how unfair it would be to stick her with a husband that's crazy as I am?
Dr. Wilson: Why don't you take a deep breath, relax, and just lie down. We'll see if we can get to the root of those problems.
Miguel: Ok. I'll try. [Grunts]
Dr. Wilson: Good, good. Now, what is your first clear memory of your mother?
Miguel: Why do you keep asking me about my mother?
Dr. Wilson: What -- what was that? It sounded like the roar of a hungry lion.
Miguel: That's just Fluffy. She's our kitty cat. Yeah, she's the biggest cat I've seen, but she has quite an appetite. I think Tabitha overdoes it with the amount of feeding.
Dr. Wilson: Ok.
Dr. Wilson: What was that?
Miguel: Oh, no, no, no, it's ok. The plumbing in this house is a mess.
Dr. Wilson: Plumbing? Sounded like the beginning of World War III. I'm gonna go investigate.
Miguel: Knock yourself out.
Edna: No, not bad, but this time put a little English on it and see if you can carom off the kitchen cabinets, ha.
Tabitha: Uh, Endora, just get yourself a snack, will you?
Norma: Ladies and gentlemen, for our next act, you will see the death-defying feats of the amazing Fluffy.
Norma: Here, kitty, kitty. Jump through the hoop.
Tabitha: No, Fluffy, no.
Dr. Wilson: I've gone nuts, absolutely bonkers. Nuts, capital N-U-T-S.
Alistair: You will take the secret of Little Ethan's paternity to your grave, Theresa, to your grave.
Theresa: Look, you do not want to do this to me. I mean, think about it. Wouldn't it be more fun to keep me around so that you could torture me? Just let me help Ethan. I love him, and we have this chance to be together. Now don't take that away from me, please. I am begging you.
Alistair: [Laughs] There's the proof right there. That's the proof right there that you could never -- you're not worthy of carrying the Crane name. The truth is never going to come out. I will stake my life on it and yours.
Dr. Wilson: [Shrieks]
Dr. Wilson: [Shrieks]
Edna: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come back here, come back here and calm down, will you, for heaven sakes. You're scaring her. Shut up. Ok? They're very sensitive. Come on, here we go, here we go.
Dr. Wilson: Uh, uh.
Tabitha: Endora, this circus has got to go now. Now, Endora, or you're going to get us all arrested or worse. [Groans]
Norma: Who's your friend?
Norma: Huh, I think this one's a goner. Might as well toss her to Fluffy for a midnight snack.
Dr. Wilson: No! No!
Tabitha: Now, Endora, now. I won't say it again.
Kay: Hey, Mi, how are you feeling?
Miguel: I'm ok, but, uh, I think we need to talk.
Kay: Is everything ok?
Dr. Wilson: You're not the one who's nuts, Miguel. You're not the one who's nuts. It's me. It's them. It's this whole house. It's a nuthouse, all of them. I'm nuts, cuckoo. I'm the big cashew.
Miguel: What on earth --
Dr. Wilson: Me. Oh, no. Keep them away from me. Keep them away from me. You're devils or witches. Where are your costumes? You -- you were a clown and -- and you were playing with a saber-tooth tiger and you were there and you --
Tabitha: Have you been giving your guests too many martimmys?
Miguel: No, she just got here.
Dr. Wilson: What's going on here? Where is the circus?
Tabitha: Oh, dear, what circus would that be? [Chuckles]
Dr. Wilson: Save yourself, Miguel. Get out of this crazy house while there's still time. Nuts, nuts, monkeys, they're all nuts.
Edna: Ho, ho.
Miguel: What was that all about?
Tabitha: Who was she?
Miguel: She was a psychiatrist I called.
Miguel: Did something happen in the kitchen?
Tabitha: Nothing out of the ordinary, no.
Edna: No, it was a perfectly normal night in this house. [Chuckles]
Miguel: That's so odd. She seemed fine a minute ago.
Norma: [Chuckles] Look, kid, if anyone knows from shrinks, it's me. They're all looney tunes.
Edna: [Chuckles] Absotively, Norma. [Chuckles] Some of those so-called doctors had the nerve to call my Normie crazy. I mean, can you imagine that?
Miguel: I don't know, maybe she was just having a bad day.
Kay: Huh. Why did you call a psychiatrist?
Miguel: Uh, we'll talk. It's just, uh, you know, I've a few issues.
Fancy: Luis, we're finished and don't try to change my mind. I love you far too much to hurt you.
Luis: Right. Oh, Fancy, come on. This is -- this doesn't make any sense, you know? No sense at all.
Fancy: Oh, come on, Luis, wake up. The Cranes have destroyed families in this town for generations and I'm no better. You never know when my DNA could force me to do something depraved and evil, and you deserve better so I have to say goodbye.
Luis: Well, um, could you at least let me be the one who's making that decision, huh?
Fancy: No, I can't, no. I need to be strong. I need to make this decision for both of us. Some day you'll thank me for this -- at least I hope so.
Luis: Fancy, Fancy, listen to me. Fancy, where are you going? Fancy!
Theresa: You try to frighten me all you like, but you know what? These games are not going to work. You get out of my way because I need to help Ethan now.
Alistair: I only play games to win, and how dare you pass off Ethan's bastard son as a Crane. You know, no one makes a laughing stock out of me, no one.
Theresa: I -- I didn't.
Alistair: You're lying. You are worse than Ivy who passed Ethan off as my grandson.
Theresa: Ethan, come on. Come on, you can't be dead.
Alistair: Don't change the subject.
Theresa: Oh, God, I swear to you I did not know the truth that Ethan was really Little Ethan's father until I was in Rome.
Alistair: I don't believe a word coming out of that lying mouth of yours, but it really doesn't matter because no one is going to believe that some parlor maid's daughter got the best of Alistair Crane. Ethan is dead and you are about to die.
Theresa: No, no!
Alistair: You can take your last secret to the grave.
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