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Passions Transcript Wednesday 5/2/07 -- Canada; Thursday 5/3/07 -- USA
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Proofread By Jodi
Simone: Jess, hi.
Jessica: Hi. What's going on? Why did you guys call me to meet you here?
Paloma: Are you kidding? Simone told met that you're having a baby! Congratulations!
Simone: Yes, so we wanted to do something special for you.
Paloma: Yeah, so first we're going to start with a healthy breakfast.
Simone: And then we're all going to go shopping for some maternity clothes for you.
Jessica: You guys, I really -- I don't know what to say.
Simone: Just say thank you. We just want to make sure that your pregnancy runs as smoothly as possible.
Paloma: Yeah, pregnancy's hard enough without having a zero like Spike --
Simone: Uh, Paloma, not now, not now. Look, all you need to remember is that you're not alone. We're here for you, Jess.
Paloma: Of course we are. We're like the three musketeers. All for one and one for all.
Simone: Yep, we stick together, and we'll be here to love you and support you and your beautiful new baby. Got it?
Jessica: What did I ever do to deserve such good friends? Thank you.
Paloma: We love you, Jessica.
Paloma: We always will.
Simone: And we'll do anything for you.
Tabitha: What on earth are you doing here?
Julian: Good morning. I have come to escort my daughter to her first day of preschool.
Tabitha: No, Julian, no, you're not going to do anything of the sort. I'm taking her.
Julian: Well, I'm not going to miss my daughter's first day of school.
Tabitha: Don't be absurd, Julian. When did you ever accompany even one of your children when they went off to school in the cold, cruel world?
Julian: Well, I'm afraid I didn't. The nanny always did, and I regret that tremendously. I was a miserable father, but I intend to make up for that now. Yes, my little beautiful daughter, I'm going to be the best daddy on the planet.
Tabitha: I gave in and allowed Endora to go to preschool, but that's it. I am not giving in to Julian Crane.
Fancy: Maybe my mind was just playing tricks on me. It is ridiculous. Luis would never -- would he?
Fancy: Oh, why, Luis? How could you do this to me? And with a man?
Luis: You shouldn't have snuck in here the way you did. But I'm glad you did. You're amazing.
Sheridan: I would do anything for you.
Luis: How could I have not realized it? Of course you love me. You risked everything to be with me.
Sheridan: I love you. I was a total idiot to ever let you go.
Luis: I was, too, and a fool to think that I could replace you with Fancy. You're the only woman I love.
Sheridan: It makes me so happy to hear you say that.
Luis: All right, then I'll say it again. You're the only woman I love.
Julian: Well, yes, of course you cannot go to your first day of school without a little bit of pocket change. You can buy some milk and cookies for your classmates.
Tabitha: $100 for a 4-year-old?
Julian: Well, I give all my children money.
Tabitha: Endora, give that money back to Julian.
Julian: What? Let her keep it. She can make confetti out of it, for all I care. I just want her to be happy.
Tabitha: Come along, Endora. You've got to finish getting ready or we're going to be late. You go upstairs and brush your teeth, and then you come back downstairs and Mommy will finish doing your hair, all right, sweet pea? Off you go. Really, Julian. You don't even have the brains you were born with. You don't give little children large amounts of money.
Julian: Large amounts of money? That was only $100.
Tabitha: Julian, a child that age would be thrilled with a few nickels and dimes.
Julian: Well, I suppose I should cancel that credit card I ordered for her, then, huh?
Tabitha: You are truly unbelievable. You've only been here two minutes and you've already come between me and my daughter.
Julian: Well, Tabitha, she is my daughter, too.
Tabitha: Please don't do this, Julian. Please leave me to raise my daughter in peace.
Julian: I cannot do that, Tabitha. I told you I intend to be part of her life. You are a -- an amazing mother.
Tabitha: Don't try to butter me up. It won't work.
Julian: No, no, no, I truly mean it. I give you credit. It must be very, very difficult raising a child on your own, especially at your --
Tabitha: If you say "at your age," you may not leave this house in one piece.
Julian: Very well. It's just that, well, the child also needs a father in her life, and I've tried my best with Little Ethan, but Theresa keeps me at arm's length, and, well, I'm not going to let you do the same thing. I am in Endora's life, and that's where I intend to stay.
Tabitha: And just how do you intend to explain this to people? No one even has the slightest idea that you're Endora's father.
Julian: Well, one day they will. Endora is a Crane.
Tabitha: Endora is a Lenox, and don't you forget it. I have no wish to see my daughter's photo plastered all over the sleazy tabloids of the world. Look at the way they hound poor Sheridan and Fancy.
Julian: Well, we'll just have to figure it out. But don't worry, it'll be all right. I mean, Tabitha, I've been a fool my entire life. I've ruined almost every relationship that had meaning to me -- with my family, my ex-wives, my lovers, my children. I -- I -- I just want to do something right. I want to be a real father to Endora.
Tabitha: No. I'm sorry, Julian. I cannot allow you to use my daughter to assuage your guilt over your past mistakes with your other children. I will not let her be your relationship guinea pig. The answer is no.
Fancy: How could he? But he did. Luis was kissing his cell mate... a man.
Esme: Oh, turn off that spotlight, Mr. DeMille.
Fancy: Esme, what happened to you?
Esme: What are you talking about? Well, I don't look so bad. You've seen me look worse than this on lots of mornings.
Fancy: Oh, my God, Esme --
Esme: Oh, will you pipe down? At least until I've had my bloody Mary. Oh. What a delicious night.
Fancy: So where were you?
Esme: I don't really remember. Hmm. Here and there. You know, I started out the evening at this cute bar on the wharf, and then -- hey, wait, I'm trying to picture it. Ok, there were these -- I remember that there were these lovely men with truly sinful muscles, and water. That's right, lots of water. And may-- maybe a swimming pool. Can you draw the drapes, darling? Esme doesn't do daylight before dawn. You know that. Oh, Fancy, what's wrong?
Fancy: What do you care?
Esme: Oh. I do care. I'm your friend. And you're about the only friend I have left, so I promise to stay conscious until you tell me what the trouble is. So, what the trouble is?
Fancy: Well, I was out at the prison. I got the job as a guard.
Esme: Oh, good. That's what you wanted.
Fancy: Yeah. So I could be near Luis. But, um, when I went to his cell, he -- oh, Esme, I saw him kissing his cell mate.
Esme: Wow. She must be a real hottie to be able to attract a man in one of those one-size-fits-all jump suits. You know, they never really looked good on me. They sag down at the butt and they do this weird thing --
Fancy: No, Esme, Esme, think back. I mean, you've been arrested how many times?
Esme: Oh, that is too hard a question for this early in the morning. Do you have a calculator?
Fancy: Ok, answer me this -- have you ever been in a coed prison block?
Fancy: No? Yeah, it was a man. Luis was kissing a man.
Luis: Sheridan, I love you.
Luis: Hey. Hey, Sheridan, come on, you got to get up. It's time to get out of here.
Sheridan: Please, Luis, I need to be near you. I love you.
Luis: Look, Sheridan, please, do not do this. I meant what I said last night. You need to go.
Luis: No, Sheridan --
Sheridan: Let me stay. Let me stay just a little bit longer.
Miguel: What the hell.
Julian: Tabitha, you misunderstand me.
Tabitha: I understand you completely, and I won't have it. I won't allow you to -- to try and make yourself feel better about your past mistakes by playing "Daddy" to Endora. She's a beautiful, brilliant little child, but she's still a child, and she'll -- she'll become attached to you. And then when this paternal whim of yours passes and you revert back to your normal, self-absorbed self, she won't understand why you never come to see her anymore. You'll hurt her, Julian. I know you'll hurt her.
Julian: I would never, ever do that.
Tabitha: Well, you did it to all your other children. You sent them off to boarding schools for years at a time and you never even went to visit them once. Face it, Julian, you -- you really don't care about anyone but yourself. Actions have consequences, you know. And not that you've ever taken that very seriously.
Julian: I promise you --
Tabitha: Don't. Don't make promises you can't keep. You always hurt people that you think you love. Look what you've just done to Eve Russell. Really, Julian. Jumping back into bed with Ivy because you had some momentary twitch. I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, you and Ivy, you're two of a kind -- two bitter, selfish, misshapen peas in a pod.
Tabitha: It was quite a scene, wasn't it, when Eve and Sam walked in on the two of you. Do you really think that they will forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones? Not a chance. What were you thinking?
Julian: Wait just a moment. How could you know that that happened? How could you possibly know that Eve caught me with Ivy?
Tabitha's voice: Whoops.
Jessica: Oh, man, I would kill for a double latte.
Paloma: Oh, no, no, no. No caffeine. It's bad for the baby.
Simone: Eat your fruit salad. You're eating for two now.
Jessica: My baby's so lucky. He or she already has two honorary aunts.
Simone: Two honorary aunts who are here to help. Now, I think that the first step toward getting back to a normal life is for you to go back to school. So after the baby's born, we're going to work out a babysitting schedule so that you don't have to miss any classes.
Jessica: You know, I am so touched you two want to do all these things for me.
Simone: Yeah, well, you're helping me, too. I mean, since I lost Rae, I don't think I'll be starting a family anytime soon.
Paloma: And as much as I love Noah, we haven't even talked about marriage yet. But it's going to be interesting to see how he reacts when he has to help take care of a baby that isn't even ours.
Simone: Jess, what is it?
Jessica: It's just Spike. He scares me. He's certain this baby is his, and he wants to sell it.
Paloma: Honey, I was shocked when Simone told me.
Jessica: I can't let him -- I just can't let him do that.
Simone: It won't happen, ok? Don't worry about Spike. He can't make you sell your baby. He can't do anything to hurt you ever again.
Spike: Says who? Jessica's baby is mine, and I can do whatever the hell I want with it.
Miguel: Luis. Luis. What the hell are you doing, man? I haven't been able to sleep all night, and I wake up to -- to this?
Luis: What? No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, it's not what you think.
Miguel: Luis, you hear stories about -- about the men in prison. I mean, what are you doing? What about Fancy?
Luis: What? What about her?
Miguel: How could you, huh? I mean -- I mean, not that I have anything against that, but, you know -- oh, God, Luis, I never thought that you -- and with a guy? What are you doing, man?
Sheridan: Good morning, Miguel.
Miguel: Sheridan? Oh, my God, thank God. Sheridan, what are you doing here? You can't be in here. How did she get here?
Luis: Shh. Doesn't matter. The important thing is how we're getting you out.
Julian: How could you possibly know that? How did you find out that Eve caught me in bed with Ivy?
Tabitha: How did I find out that Eve caught you in bed with Ivy?
Julian: Yeah, that's what I just asked you.
Tabitha: Well, Julian, we all know that you are a Crane. Oh, my little sweetie. Oh, good girl. Let me just finish up your hair.
Julian: I asked you a question, Tabitha.
Tabitha: Oh, Julian, we can't dawdle, you know. This is Endora's very first day at school. There you are, neat as a new pin. All right, come on, let's go.
Julian: Tabitha --
Tabitha: We don't want to be late, do we, Julian? Come on. Let's go. Off to school we go off to school we go
Julian: How on earth did she know about Ivy?
Spike: Jessica is carrying my kid, and I can do whatever the hell I want with it. Right, baby?
Paloma: It's not an "it." It's a he or a she.
Spike: Ooh. Well, we can only hope, because no one's going to pay a dime for some freak brat, right?
Paloma: Leave Jessica alone, Spike. She's done with you forever.
Spike: That's going to be kind of hard to do since, well, she is carrying my baby.
Simone: It's Jessica's baby.
Spike: Half. But I'll tell you what -- we can play King Solomon and I'll get a chainsaw and we'll cut that little bugger right in half. Oop, nah, I guess that wouldn't work because what childless couple is going to pay a dime for some brat that's not breathing?
Paloma: You're sick.
Simone: You know, how do you even know that it is your baby? You have forced Jessica to have sex with other men. Any one of them could be the father.
Spike: Hmm. I guess you're right. Well, I guess if we ever go to court, I would just have to demand a DNA test, right? And then we could maybe dig up one of those johns that Jessica killed and check a DNA match there. What do you think?
Spike: But wouldn't that be hilarious? Really, maybe one of those dead johns is Jessica's baby's father. I'm just wondering how Jess and you two stupid bitches are going to explain that.
Esme: Are you sure?
Fancy: Of course I'm sure. I was right out in the corridor and Luis was there, kissing this other prisoner. Ew.
Esme: Oh, my, my, my. That's very sexy. Was the other prisoner as hot as Luis?
Fancy: Oh, stop it. Don't be gross.
Esme: Well, don't be so provincial, sweetie. If straight men can get off on the idea of two women together, then why can't we --
Fancy: Ok, ok, I said stop it. We're talking about the man I love.
Esme: Aw, poor Fancy. You'll have to face the facts. Now that Luis is in prison, you will have to get in line.
Esme: Oh, that man is sex on a stick. You just wait and see. He will be prisoner of the month in "Prison" magazine in no time. I wonder where I can subscribe.
Fancy: Oh, Esme.
Esme: Well, come on, you've seen how he looks. Luis will be very popular around the old cellblock. You've seen those prison movies. Men are like rats. You lock them up together without any females present for more than 10 minutes and they get desperate. They'll rub up against anything or anybody. And how can you blame them? You know, there's all those hunky men around and that's all that's there, and if they have an itch, they simply need to scratch it.
Fancy: Yeah, but Luis has only been in prison for a few hours.
Esme: Oh. Wow, he moves fast. He's gone gay in less than a day.
Luis: Yeah, Sheridan paid off a guard to get her in here.
Miguel: How'd you pull that off? No, I don't -- I don't want to know.
Luis: Yeah, it doesn't matter. The important thing is how we're getting her out.
Sheridan: I'm in no rush.
Miguel: Sheridan, are you nuts? Do you know how dangerous it is in here? These other inmates are going to tear you apart if you look at them the wrong way. And I don't even want to mention what they're going to do to you if they find out you're a woman. Ok, you're done. These guys are going to pass you around like a six-pack.
Sheridan: I can take care of myself.
Luis: Oh, come on. You can take care of yourself? You've got to get out of here, for a lot of reasons, most importantly, your safety.
Sheridan: You can protect me.
Luis: No. Now, you need to get in touch with your contact and tell him that you need to get out of here now.
Sheridan: Hey, it wasn't easy to get in here, and now that I'm here, I'm not leaving. My name's Gavin.
Julian: Ah. Here we are. First day of school. This is a big step.
Tabitha: I think you should go now, Julian. I don't want you coming into the classroom.
Julian: Well, nonsense, I want to walk my daughter in and meet her teacher.
Tabitha: Well, how do you intend to explain that, exactly? You're Julian Crane. People will wonder why you're so interested in my Endora.
Julian: Well, I'm really not concerned by that. Soon enough, they're going to learn that she's my child.
Tabitha: Yes, but not today. Julian, think of Endora. This is her first day of school, not the day for you to announce that she's Julian Crane's bastard daughter. The reporters will be all over us in five minutes.
Julian: I suppose you're right, but I'm not giving up on this. I am going to play an active role in her life.
Tabitha: Oh, well, I wish you'd play an active role in your own life. Everyone you meet you either hurt or destroy. Well, you're not going to do that with my little girl.
Julian: She is my daughter. I have rights. You're not going to keep me out of her life.
Tabitha: I can and I will. You push me to the wall, Julian, it won't be pretty, I promise.
Julian: Uh, where did you get that?
Tabitha: Oh, how thoughtful. Must be a present for her teacher. It's not poisoned, is it?
Julian: I hope your first day of school is magical.
Tabitha: That's just what we don't want.
Julian: Now, I'll drop by later and I'll see how everything went, huh? High-five? Aw. Goodbye. This isn't over.
Tabitha: That's what you think.
Tabitha: In just a minute. You remember what we were talking about before, Endora? Everyone in there -- the teacher and all the other children -- are mortals. So you have to promise Mommy that you won't do any magic. Ok? Because if people find out that you have special powers, it could be very dangerous, all right? So promise, no witchcraft, no matter how tempting? All right. Come on, then, my little witchling. Let's go.
Fancy: This is insane. I can't believe Luis would -- or could, you know -- I mean, men? He loves me, and I know that. And I love him so much, I mean, how could he betray me? And with another man?
Esme: Oh, wise up, hon.
Fancy: Ok, no, you don't get it. Luis would never go for another guy. He's -- he's red-blooded, all-American.
Esme: Oh, please. You heard about that basketball player that came out a while back. Talk about all-American.
Fancy: Ok, no, not Luis. I couldn't be so wrong about someone.
Esme: He's gone gay.
Fancy: Ok, impossible. There has to be some other explanation.
Esme: I really don't see what that would be. I mean, you saw him kissing his cellmate with your very own eyes. I mean, how hard is that to understand? Oh, but you could look on the bright side.
Fancy: What bright side?
Esme: Well, at last you won't have to worry about your nasty Aunt Sheridan. I mean, she is old school. Once she hears that Luis is hooking up with another man, she will head for the hills. And then it'll just be you, Luis, and his new boyfriend.
Luis: You know what's going to happen when they find out that you're a woman? They're going to pass you from cell to cell.
Sheridan: No one will find out. My disguise is excellent. Miguel didn't even know it was me until we told him. No one will find out that I'm a woman.
Guard: Shower time! Everybody up! Time for showers! Come on, ladies, get the lead out. Time to freshen your sweet, little hides. Come on, move it! What are those?
Woman: Oh, Ms. Lenox. I didn't realize you were still here. We're getting ready to do our circle time now. I'm afraid you'll have to leave.
Tabitha: Oh, no, I'd like to stay here just a few more minutes.
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry.
Tabitha: Miss Lucy, this is Endora's first day of school and we have never been separated before. I just want to make sure that she's adjusting.
Miss Lucy: Don't you worry, Ms. Lenox. Look at her. She couldn't be happier.
Tabitha: Yes, well, you don't know her like I do.
Miss Lucy: Oh, Ms. Lenox, I've seen it all a hundred times before. Endora will fit right into her new routine. It's always more difficult for the parents to let go.
Tabitha: Oh, it's nothing like that.
Miss Lucy: Come now, Ms. Lenox. This is good for her. Endora needs time away from you. She needs new experiences. She needs to make her own friends.
Tabitha: Yes, well, all right. Well, I'll just say goodbye to her.
Miss Lucy: We'll see you at pickup time, Ms. Lenox.
Tabitha: I don't want her to think I abandoned her.
Miss Lucy: Have a lovely day.
Tabitha: But --
Miss Lucy: Don't worry. She won't even know you're gone. Goodbye.
Tabitha: But -- oh.
Spike: Wouldn't that be a hoot if one of those murdered johns turns out to be Jessica's baby's daddy? Oh, yee-haw. You three would have lots of the "splaining" to do.
Simone: Don't be stupid. Those guys have been dead for months and months. Not one of them could be the father.
Spike: I know that, dummy. I'm just trying to remind you three of what I know. Baby girl here is a killer and you two are her accomplices. How many times did you guys help cover up her crimes, huh? Gee, I wonder what Mayor Anawalt would think if he found out. Oh, darn, you know what, your daddy couldn't even protect from Harmony P.D. Then. No way. Hell, they'd call in the FBI. I mean, that is what they do when they've got a serial killer on their hands.
Jessica: No, but I don't remember killing any of them.
Spike: Aw, baby. Honey, you did. Sweetheart, you did. Yeah, and who helped protect you, huh? Little me, remember?
Paloma: Then you're an accomplice, too.
Spike: Negative. You see, I'd get immunity for ratting you three guys out. Think about it, Jess. Is this how you repay me for putting my life on the line for you, baby, hmm?
Simone: Jessica is pregnant. Don't upset her. Just go.
Spike: Just remember, Jessica's baby is mine. She knows it and you know it. And I ain't going away. At least not till somebody pays me off big time. Ew. Not good.
Paloma: Jessica, if you wanted to kill someone, why didn't you kill him? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.
Simone: Jessica, don't worry about it. We will protect you from Spike. We won't let him hurt you.
Paloma: Or your baby.
Miss Lucy: Ok, children, listen up. Today we're going to put on a play.
Miss Lucy: It's a fairy tale about a princess who lives with all her friends, the animals, in the big, dark forest. Ralphie, you can be the fox.
Miss Lucy: That's for you.
Miss Lucy: And to welcome Endora into our class, she can be the princess of the forest.
Miss Lucy: Last but not least, Tina, you get to be the frog.
Tina: Not a frog. I want to be a kitty cat.
Miss Lucy: Oh, I'm sorry, Tina, but Claire is going to be the kitty cat. You're going to be the frog.
Tina: I want to be a kitty cat.
Miss Lucy: Inside voice, Tina. You can be a kitty cat another day. Today you're going to be a frog. Put on a happy face and do what I tell you.
Miss Lucy: Ms. Lenox, what do you think you're doing?
Tabitha: Oh, oh, silly of me. Sorry, I -- I wasn't sure I'd given Endora her sweater, and I didn't want to come in and disrupt the class, so I --
Miss Lucy: Come now, Ms. Lenox. I've seen more than my fair share of overprotective parents, but this is truly ridiculous. You need to go. I won't put up with this. I won't. There are dozens of couples who'd give their eyeteeth to place a child here at Paul Revere.
Tabitha: Oh, yes, the Paul Revere. Well, I'll be on my way, then.
Miss Lucy: You do that. Have a lovely day.
Tabitha: Oh, Endora. Please be a good girl today. And no witchcraft. Promise?
Tina: I want to be a kitty cat.
Tina: I want to be a kitty cat.
Spike: Shh, shh, shh. Don't you yell or you're going to be sorry. I told you I did not want you hanging around with those nosey bitches, remember?
Jessica: I -- I didn't mean to.
Spike: I don't like the crazy stuff they keep putting in your little head.
Jessica: No, they just want to help with the baby, Spike.
Spike: Oh, give me a break. One's a lezzie, the other one's a spoiled brat. What the hell do they know about kids?
Jessica: Spike, please, just leave me alone.
Spike: No, no, that's a no can do, ok? Because you're my lawfully wedded wife and you're carrying my baby, sweetheart, ok? And there's no way you're getting rid of me, all right? Well, speak of the devil. Here comes the lezzie patrol.
Spike: That way, go. Come on, let's go.
Esme: Fancy, darling, I feel for you, really I do, but could you stop pacing so loudly? I need to get some sleep if I'm ever going to be able to party tonight.
Fancy: Ok, maybe I saw them from the wrong angle or something. I mean, maybe they weren't really kissing.
Esme: All right. Did you see tongues?
Fancy: Oh, Esme.
Esme: And where were their hands?
Fancy: Would you shut up?
Esme: Well, you can't blame a girl for asking a question. Inquiring minds want to know.
Fancy: Yeah, you're supposed to be my friend. Ok, what do I do, what do I do? I can't believe Luis would ever turn to a man.
Esme: Well, sneak me into that prison and he never will again.
Fancy: Ok, that doesn't help. I mean, really, just yesterday he told me he loved me.
Esme: And he also told you that he never really wanted to see you again.
Fancy: Because he wants to protect me. I could sense what he was feeling. I felt his genuine love for me. This just doesn't add up.
Esme: Well, then put on that awful wig and those horrible clothes and go back to the prison and check things out again.
Fancy: You're right.
Esme: Of course I'm right. Esme is always right.
Fancy: I'll go back and prove to myself that my eyes were just playing tricks on me. Luis couldn't have been kissing another man.
Guard: Let's go, girls!
Sheridan: I can't take a shower with the other inmates.
Miguel: Luis, what do we do?
Luis: I'm thinking. Damn it.
Miguel: Luis, if she's naked, there's no way to hide she's a woman.
Luis: Yeah, I know that.
Guard: Time to get moving. Shower time. Let's go, ladies. I don't have all day.
Sheridan: [Disguised voice] No, thanks. I think I'm going to skip my shower today.
Sheridan: Yeah, I'm still clean from the last one.
Guard: Wake up, dummy. You're the prisoner, I'm the guard. You do what I tell you do, and right now I'm telling you to take a shower, got it? It's not a choice, it's an order. We run this place on a strict schedule. That way all you cretins can be happy as the day is long.
Luis: You don't have to --
Guard: Hey, shut up. Who's talking to you? Now, today is shower day for cellblock D, which means you are going to be taking a shower whether you like it or not. So come on, move that pretty ass.
On the Next Passions:
Tabitha: I need to know if Endora is causing any mayhem over there.
Miss Lucy: Tina, where are you?
Sheridan: I can't take my clothes off in here.
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