Passions Transcript Tuesday 12/26/06 [an error occurred while processing this directive]

Passions Transcript Tuesday 12/26/06 -- Canada; Wednesday 12/27/06 -- USA

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Provided By Glynis
Proofread By Jodi

Fancy: I am glad you didn't leave.

Luis: You kidding me? There's no other place I'd rather be. When you came out of that coma, that was the Christmas gift that I'd prayed for. But maybe you are right. Maybe we should talk about what happened at the stakeout... the attack.

Fancy: Um, yeah, I know I brought it up before, but I can't talk about it.

Luis: I don't want to push you either. In fact, the doctor said not to.

Fancy: Ok, good.

Luis: Fancy, you're almost a full-fledged cop now. You know the routine. Too much time has passed already. I need to catch this guy, ASAP.

Fancy: I'm sorry. I can't. Ok? I just can't.

Tabitha: Well, anyone for a refill?

Norma and Edna: Oh, I do! I do!

Norma: 'Cause, baby, it's cold outside.

Edna: Ah, but it's nice and warm and toasty inside. Woo!

Tabitha's voice: Can I really trust these two? I mean, they tried to chop me into a pile of bloody body parts many times before, but tonight they've been quite delightful company. Can leopards really change their spots? Can old dogs learn new tricks?

Edna: Oh! Say, Normie! Did you ever have an Eskimo kiss?

Norma: I can't say that I have, Edna.

Edna: Well, get over here, you naughty nanook, I'm gonna teach you!

Tabitha: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Come now, ladies. None of that. What you two do in the privacy of your own asylum is your own business.

Edna: Her asylum.

Tabitha: When you are in my house, I'll ask you to keep your noses to yourselves, capiche?

Julian: What happened? I feel like I was hit by a truck. Oh, my. I should have stopped at 12.

Ivy: Oh, what did I do? Oh -- oh! Oh, my head.

Julian and Ivy: Ah!

Whitney: Thank you.

Theresa: Here.

Whitney: Oh!

Theresa: What do you think? What do you think?

Whitney: Honey... come here.

Whitney: This is amazing. It's truly like wonderland.

Theresa: Well, it's my gift to you.

Whitney: How did you even do this? I mean, how did you even have the time?

Theresa: Well, I had my ways.  I wanted everything to be perfect. I did talk to your mom and dad about a few things to be sure everything was ok.

Rebecca: I would have added a little more glitz, but then, that's me. Anyway, thank goodness there's champagne.

Theresa: Everyone, if you don't have a glass, please get one.  Thank you. You know, we dreamed about our wedding day since we were little girls, and now it's here for you, so, I'm just really happy that one of us had our dream come true.

Chad: Isn't this something, man? I mean, Theresa really outdid herself.

Jared: Yeah, yeah. It's gorgeous, man. Congratulations.

Chad: Thanks. You know, you better put that away before Theresa sees it.  When are you going to propose to her anyway?

Jared: I keep trying, man. Something always happens, though. I am going to by the end of the night, though, I am. I just hope she says yes.

Chad: Me, too.

Jared: Hey. Wedding's over, man. There's no reason for jitters anymore.

Chad: Yeah, I know. Now I'm just relieved no one tried to stop the wedding, you know.

Jared: You really think there was a possibility?

Chad: You know there was.

Jared: Yeah. Well, it's over now, man. No one objected.

Chad: Yeah. You know, I almost had a heart attack when Gwen yelled when she saw that mouse. I just hope forever everybody holds their peace.

Theresa: Everyone, I would like to propose a toast to the happy couple. Chad, come on down.

Whitney: Hey.

Theresa: So, to Mr. and Mrs. Chad Harris-Crane. May you have a lifetime of happily wedded bliss.

Everyone: Here here.

Fox: Cheers.

Everyone: Oh!

Ivy: Oh, Julian Crane, how dare you? What are you doing in bed with me?

Julian: What am I doing in bed with you? Why don't you look around? This is my bedroom. What are you doing here with me?

Ivy: Wha -- Oh, no, no, no. What have I done? {I think I should go.

Julian: Well, you know, you could stay here. I mean, in the house, in your room

Ivy: I suppose I could. Just temporarily.

Julian: Yes, it might be very, very wise for us to be close in case they call about Fancy.}

Julian: I fear that we have been very, very bad, my dear.

Ivy: Oh no. No, no, no, no!

Edna: I would be glad to pay you Tuesday for another martimmy today!

Norma: You are adorable.

Edna: Thank you.

Norma: You are. Yes you are! Coochie-coochie-coo! Ah-ha! She looks exactly like I did at her age. Woo, we could be twins! Have you seen my pictures? My baby pictures? Oh, I was famous. Oh yes.

Edna: Wait a minute. You mean they took mugshots of toddlers?

Norma: No, that was in second grade.

Edna: Oh. You know, Endora reminds me of somebody. I've been living in this town my whole life. Now who is it that you look like?

Tabitha: Well, another refill, ladies? Ha ha! But you want to be careful, because my recipe packs quite a punch.

Edna: I know! So do I! Boom!

Tabitha: Ladies, ladies, please! No fisticuffs!

Theresa: Yoo!

Whitney: Um, mm, excuse me. Thank you guys for coming, seriously, and celebrating this beautiful day. I appreciate it.

Chad: I'll drink to that. You know, I never thought this day would come, but thank God it has.

Theresa: Everyone, please, help me make this a day that Whitney and Chad never forget. Eat, drink, and be merry.

Rebecca: For tomorrow --

Gwen: Mother.

Whitney: Theresa, honey, thank you so much.

Chad: Yeah, Theresa, you've outdone yourself here. Thank you.

Theresa: You're welcome. I'd do anything for Whitney. So you better treat her right, or you're going to be speaking to me, baby.

Chad: I will, I will, promise.

Theresa: All right, well, I guess it's time for the song, huh? Excuse me, can you please play Whitney and Chad's special song?

Whitney: How did you know about this?

Chad: I told her. Mrs. Harris-Crane, would you like to dance?

Whitney: I'd love to.

Chad: All right.

Gwen: You're crying?

Rebecca: Oh, I always cry at a girl's first wedding. I mean, because no matter how many she has, it's always that first husband you think of when you're low.

Ethan: Theresa must be out of her mind. That guy is such bad news. Tell you what, as soon as J.T. delivers that information on Jared's background, that guy is history.

Gwen: Yeah, and so are we. Only J.T. didn't deliver the goods, he took them to "Daily Private Lives."

Rebecca: Yeah, and when the tabloid hits the stands, we are dead meat. At least we won't be alone. I mean everyone who has been blackmailed is going to be exposed.

Fox: God, isn't this great?  The only thing that's going to top this is our wedding, love.

Kay: I know, it's beautiful.

Noah: Who died, Miguel?

Miguel: What?

Noah: It's a wedding. You're supposed to be happy and cheerful. You look like you just lost your best friend.

Miguel: Worse. I just lost my best girl.

Luis: Fancy. Fancy, don't you think that it might help you to talk about it? Look, I have no idea what a nightmare it was for you to go through that, but I do know that it helps people to talk to someone about it. Can you give me a description of the guy?

Fancy: No. He wore -- he wore that ski mask the whole time.

Luis: All right, well, what about something unusual? Maybe he had a scar, a tattoo, anything?

Fancy: No, no, I can't, ok? I don't want to remember anything.

Luis: Hey. Hey, Fancy, I don't want to hurt you.

Fancy: Well then don't. Just leave me alone.

Luis: Don't do this to yourself, okay.

Fancy: Do you think I can help it, Luis? I hate this. I hate what happened. I mean, how could it? I'm a trained police officer, right, or cadet. I am supposed to stop things like this from happening to anyone, but no. Stupid old Fancy walked right into it and made herself a victim.

Luis: It's not your fault.

Fancy: Of course it is. You told me not to go to that stakeout but as usual, I knew better and went anyway.

Luis: Yeah, you were wrong to defy an order, but you can't blame yourself for a criminal's actions. Fancy, Burt got jumped, too. And if Kelly had been there, she'd probably be lying in this bed right now.

Fancy: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Luis.

Luis: I'm sorry, too. More sorry than you'll ever know. Look, all we can do now is find this guy and bring him to justice so he doesn't ever do this to another woman, ok? And for that, I need your help.

Edna: Well, you know what, Tabs, I bet this holiday we're not supposed to name has tuckered out the little one.

Tabitha: Yes, yes. As a matter of fact, I think it's time for Endora to have a little nap. Come along, sweetheart, let's go.

Endora: I forgot my turtle.

Tabitha: Yes, we'll take turtle and lizard, too. Come along. uh, ladies, please keep the noise down to a low roar.

Norma: I'll make sure they don't act up.

Tabitha: Here, sleepy. I've got you. Well, we've lost our fourth for bridge. But isn't this nice? I'm so glad we've decided to bury the hatchet. This is so much more civilized than trying to chop me into little bits, isn't it?

Ivy: Is the aspirin still --

Julian: Yeah.

Ivy: In here.

Ivy: You're going to ruin your stomach doing that.

Julian: Sounds like a comment a wife would make.

Ivy: Oh.

Julian: Well, that was certainly unexpected, dear.

Ivy: Yes, oh yes, Julian. Of all the things I imagined doing this morning when I woke up, making love to you was nowhere near my list.

Julian: Really, dear, it does make a sort of perverse sense, though, doesn't it? I mean, we were married for over 20 years.

Ivy: Oh please. Don't remind me.

Julian: No, think of it -- think of it, Ivy. We've both been hurt by people. You by what's-his-name, Sam. Me by Eve. I mean, very often, divorced people find themselves back in bed together.

Ivy: Not your bed, Julian. Please. Not in a million years. What did you put in those drinks? Some kind of kickapoo joy juice?

Julian: Listen. Berating ourselves is not going to change the facts.

Ivy: Oh. Oh, what is -- who is throwing a party?

Julian: Well I have -- I have no idea, but it's going to stop. Because my head won't take it. I am going to investigate.

Ivy: Oh, wait, wait. I'm -- I'm coming with you.

T.C.: Excuse me, young lady. Would you dance with your old man?

Whitney: Daddy. Look at you!

Eve: Son-in-law?

Chad: Would you like to dance, mother-in-law?

Jared: My lady?

Theresa: I would love to.

Ethan: Look at her. What a big mistake. Where the hell is J.T. Cornell, huh? Please. Voicemail. Voicemail again, great. Where did he disappear to?

Rebecca: So, are you worried, honey?

Gwen: Aren't you?

Rebecca: Well, of course I am. But at least everybody here is in the same boat. I mean, J.T. was blackmailing practically everybody in town. And my guess is, he is long gone.

Fox: Everybody? Come on, let's dance. Love?

Kay: Let me put this down.

Noah: You know, trying to understand women is -- is impossible. I should know. Miguel.

Miguel: Hmm?

Noah: Still brooding over Kay?

Miguel: What else is new?

Noah: She ever give you a reason for her big change of heart?

Miguel: No. Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. She hates me, and believe me, it's frustrating. Because one minute she says she loves me and wants to marry me, and the next she's turned her back and says she never wants to see me again.

Noah: Something big must have happened.

Miguel: But what? Why can't she give me at least a clue?

Julian: What the hell is happening in here?

Ivy: Oh, oh, oh!

Julian: No, no, no. We're in this together.

Ivy: Oh, God.

Rebecca: Pookie, no! Not Ivy. I mean, if you're going to face public disgrace due to your disgusting sex life, you should be sharing it with me.

Eve: Julian, you and Ivy?

Sam: Well, I can see your broken heart has healed.

Ivy: No, Sam, it really wasn't like that. I didn't --

Rebecca: Pookie, how could you? After all we've meant to each other.

Julian: I told you, those little trysts lately were for fun.

Rebecca: Fine, but -- but with Ivy? With cold-hearted, cold-blooded Ivy? I mean, what is it you call her? You call her a -- a leech, a -- a -- a bag of bones, a witch in bitch's clothing?

Julian: No, that last part was you.

Rebecca: Oh, yeah. Oops. No, no, sorry. No, no, no. You say that she's a pariah, the succubus, and the harpy from hell.

Julian: All right, that's enough. I think they get the idea, dear.

Ivy: How dare you call me names like that?

Julian: You've said much worse about me.

Ivy: Only behind your back. Not out in public where everybody can see.

Rebecca: Ivy, believe me, those are the only -- the names I can say in public. The other ones are not for mixed company.

Julian: All right, now stop it! You're both hurting me. Now, just stop it!

Ivy: Oh, please. Rebecca, this is my fight tonight. Back off! And you -- you're just beginning to know what hurt is.

Julian: Ah!

Tabitha: Ha ha! It's a good thing Endora's such a good sleeper. She could sleep through anything. But that's what this holiday we can't name is all about, really, isn't it? Children.

Edna: I thought the little witch would never go to sleep.

Norma: Good things come to those who wait.

Edna: Do we drop the nice act now.

Norma: Just a little longer, Edna. Wait till the old witch's guard is completely down, then wham-o! It's Tabby mincemeat pie on the menu.

Edna: Oh, ok, but then let's let her make another batch of these.

Norma: Shh, smile. Easier to catch flies with honey than vinegar.

Edna: We're gonna need a lot of honey to catch a fly that size.

Luis: Come on, Fancy, let it out. Tell me everything that you remember about the attack.

Fancy: No, I can't.

Luis: Sure you can. Hey, listen. I'm here. Just get your strength from me.

Fancy: I -- I must have blacked out most of it.

Luis: Just tell me what you remember.

{Fancy: No, don't.

Man: That's it. Fight back. I like it. }

Fancy: No, I don't want to remember any of it. Just leave me alone. I don't want to -- no! Please, no! Stop it!

Luis: Fancy, calm down.

Fancy: Let me go! Get away from me!

Luis: Fancy, calm down.

Luis: Calm down. It's me. Shh. It's me, it's ok, it's ok, it's ok. I love you. I love you. It's ok, it's ok. It's ok, it's ok. Ok.

Tabitha: Well, who's ready for dessert? It's pecan pie.

Edna and Norma: Ooh! Homemade?

Tabitha: Yes.

Norma: With whipped cream?

Tabitha: Yes.

Norma: Let me at it.

Tabitha: I'll go get it.

Edna: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tabby, for heaven's sakes. You have been on your feet all night. So we'll do the cleanup and bring you dessert.

Tabitha: Oh, well, that's very sweet of you. But, uh, cleanup is no problem in this household.

Edna: Say, that is handy.

Tabitha: Ha ha, yes. Witchcraft does have its advantages.

Norma: Well, you just relax. Don't move a muscle.

Tabitha: All right, if you insist, actually I do feel a little tired.

Edna: Well, you just get all comfy-cozy and we're gonna bring dessert right in.

Norma: We may even bring you a little surprise.

Tabitha: Oh, for me? How sweet!

Tabitha: Shows how wrong you can be about people. I wonder what brought about the monumental change in those two, huh? Could it be the Christmas spirit?

Fox: Hey, Dad, welcome to the party. What are you doing? This is Chad and Whitney's wedding.

Julian: This is my home. I can act any way I damn well please. Speaking of weddings, how is your -- yours progressing?

Fox: Oh, it's going beautifully. Thank you for asking, Father.

Julian: Now hurry up and marry her so we can get her ready to be a true Crane wife.

Fox: Yeah, whatever you say, Dad.

Rebecca: Ah!

Ivy: Well, if you'll all excuse me, I think I'll get dressed. Whitney, congratulations on the occasion of your wedding. I hope your marriage is more successful than mine.

Julian: Well, I must say, everyone, I'm quite sorry for the interruption, and I, uh -- congratulations, my dear girl.

Ethan: Can't we ever just have a normal party in this house?

Miguel: Does that look like a guy that's dying to you?

Noah: Um, maybe he's just trying to live out his life to the fullest while he still can.

Miguel: Maybe, but he's supposed to be dying, right? So shouldn't he be weak or sick or something? I mean, look at this guy. He looks like he could run a marathon right now. You know, I'm starting to get a little suspicious about this whole terminal illness. What if Fox isn't dying?

Noah: What?

Miguel: I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, Noah. Do you remember when I told you how convenient it was when we overheard him on the phone with his doctor, just as Kay was about to break the news to him? That's when he found out he was dying.

Noah: So? It's a coincidence, Miguel.

Miguel: He's a Crane, Noah. What if he set the whole thing up? What if he saw me with Kay and lied about dying so that she would feel guilty and stay with him?

Jared: I don't mean to pull you away from your guests, but there's something I've got to ask you.

Theresa: And we keep getting interrupted.

Jared: Yes, but not this time, Tess.

Simone: Ok, everybody, now's the time for all unmarried women to get to the foot of the stairs. Whitney's about to toss the bouquet.

Whitney: Oh, my God! Theresa, Theresa, you have to be there. Come on, come on, come on!

Theresa: Ok. I'll be right back, ok?

Jared: I'll be waiting.

Theresa: All right.

Whitney: Over there. Ok, ok.

Paloma: One chance, ladies. Whoever catches the bouquet is the next one to be married.

Kay: Right here.

Whitney: One, two, three!

Fancy: I'm sorry, Luis. I didn't meant to hit you. I remember. I remember what it was like being...r-r-raped. It was like it was happening all over again. Just please don't make me remember any more, please, please.

Tabitha: Mm, no wonder these mortals enjoy this holiday so much. It really is very relaxing.

Norma: A bloody Merry Christmas, Tabby!

Tabitha: Ah, I knew this was too good to be true!

Edna: Happy New Year!

Tabitha: Help me, Endora, help me, help me! I'm being attacked by two fiends.

Norma: Come on, Edna!

Edna: Go, Norma!

Paloma: No! You caught it, fair and square. You know the rules.

Simone: Yeah, but the laws in this state will have to change drastically before I'm the next bride in town.

Paloma: Then they should drastically, right?

Miguel: Bad luck, you dropping that bouquet. I hope it doesn't mean your wedding's cursed.

Kay: How dare you say that.

Miguel: I wonder if it's like breaking a mirror? Seven years' bad luck.

Kay: Well, I'm not superstitious.

Miguel: Maybe you should be.

Kay: Look, leave me alone.

Miguel: Maybe Fox is Kay's bad luck. I think this guy's up to something. And if I can prove to Kay that Fox really isn't dying, maybe she'll break off the wedding and come back to me.

Noah: You didn't try very hard to catch that bouquet.

Paloma: Me? I don't see marriage in my near future. I already turned down a proposal this year.

Noah: You did?

Paloma: Mm-hmm.

Noah: From who?

Paloma: None of your business, Mr. Nosy.

Noah: Mm.

Paloma: Besides, before I get married, I have to fall in love.

Noah: Well, I don't see any mistletoe anywhere. I wonder if I'm too old for Christmas wishes?

Paloma: Como?

Noah: Paloma, do you know the English expression, "Where there's a will, there's a way"?

Ethan: Hi, Ethan Winthrop. And you are?

Man: Uh, not a guest. Is J.T. Cornell here?

Ethan: Now that's funny you said that. I'm looking for him myself.

Man: I'm Vincent Clarkson. I used to work with J.T. before he left "Daily Private Lives."

Ethan: Hold on, that's where you work?

Vincent: Yeah, he shoved this envelope under the paper's door earlier with a note that said it contained contents for tomorrow's front page.

Gwen: Keep your emergency flask, because we are finished.

Rebecca: Look, let's just go get a car and get out of town, ok?

Ethan: J.T. gave you the information that he promised me. Where is it? I want it. God knows I paid for it.

Vincent: Sorry, I can't. I don't have it. Except for the note, this envelope J.T. left for the paper was empty.

Rebecca: Did you hear that?

Gwen: Oh, today might just be my lucky day.

Theresa: Attention, everyone. The bride and groom are about to cut the cake. Nice.

Whitney: Wow, honey, it is beautiful. It really is.

Theresa: Thanks, I just, you know, I hope it tastes as good as it looks. Now, every layer is a different flavor. I wanted a couple more, but, you know. I couldn't fit it in.

Whitney: Right, exactly.

Chad: Well, are you ready, Mrs. Harris-Crane?

Whitney: Yes, I am.

Whitney: Ok?

Chad: Hey, Theresa, you sure somebody didn't leave this cake in the oven too long?

Whitney: No, no, it's like, wait a second. It's seriously like there's something inside there.

Theresa: Well, you know, keep trying.

Whitney: Ok. Put some muscle into it.

Theresa: Yeah, come on now!

Luis: It's all right. It's ok. It's ok.

Fancy: I can't remember any more for you, ok? I can't. Please don't make me.

Luis: I won't, I won't. I'm not going to push you any more tonight, ok?

Fancy: Not ever.

Luis: Ok, rest.

Fancy: I can't. I don't know if I can rest. Every time I close my eyes, I just see that ski mask.

Luis: All right. Fancy, listen to me. Listen to me, ok?

Fancy: Mm-hmm.

Luis: I swear to you, I'll find this guy. And when I find him, I'll bring him to justice. He isn't ever going to do this to another woman, ok?

Fancy: Ok. Thank you.

Luis: Ok, come on. Ok.

Tabitha: Hey, hey, hey!

Edna: Oh! Oh, wait a minute there.

Norma: Oh, get out of the way, we gotta get her.

Edna: Whoo! Money, money, money!

Norma: Get out of the way!

Edna: Money, money, money, ah!

Tabitha: Oh, Endora! Endora, help! Help me!

Norma: Too late, witchy-poo! You're mine!

Edna: Yeah! You're cat food, Lenox! The little witch is dead to the world in there, probably dreaming of sugarplums!

Tabitha: Oh, help me, sweet pea! These two goons are after me! They're trying to kill me!

Tabitha: Yeah, sure I'm sure! Here, give Mommy some juice!

Edna and Norma: Oh!

Edna: Oh what --

Norma: This isn't supposed to happen.

Tabitha: This is my little holiday surprise.

Edna: Get off me, you big lug, you're crushing me.

Norma: Ow, you're crushing me.

Edna: Yeah, like that'll ever happen.

Tabitha: I don't care who crushes who as long as you both get crushed! Thank you, sweet pea. Thank you, you've saved Mommy's life again!

Edna: What's down there?

Norma: Oh no, not again!

Tabitha: That's right! You've met my little friends before.

Norma: And whipped their fiery little butts.

Tabitha: Yeah, but not this time. This time they're stronger.

Edna: Oh, heavenly angels, not the burning pit!

Norma: Oh, just hang on to me, Edna. We'll go down fighting.

Edna: I don't want to go down at all.

Tabitha: Oh, thank you for spending the holidays with me, ladies. Nighty-night!

Norma and Edna: Ah!

Tabitha: Ah, peace and quiet. Now, that's the way to spend the holidays.

Norma: I'll get you, Tabitha Lenox! If it's the last thing I do!

Whitney: Ok, maybe we should just give up on it. I mean --

Theresa: I'm just going to have to have a little talk with the caterer.

Sam: Should I go get my chainsaw out of the truck?

Chad: Hey, hey, don't laugh. I know this sounds weird, but I think there's actually something in there.

Sam: In the cake?

Chad: Yeah, yeah, look.

Rebecca: This calls for another drink.

Woman: Who would do something like that? I've never seen anything like it.

Second Woman: Oh, my God.

On the Next Passions:

Eve: This is shocking. I mean, even for Harmony.

Whitney: There's a dead body in my wedding cake.

Fancy: You're nothing but a cold, heartless bitch.

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