Passions Transcript Monday 7/31/06--Canada; Tuesday 8/1/06--USA
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Proofread by Jodi
Ethan: So, are you up for that lobster dinner that I owe you from losing the game?
Gwen: Honey, that's ok. Anyway, until one of us, you know, finds work again, we should probably be a little more careful with our money.
Ethan: You're still upset about Theresa, aren't you?
Gwen: Ethan, you embarrassed me. I mean, when you thought that she got hit on the head, you were all over her. You wouldn't even let her new boyfriend check her out.
Ethan: Well, excuse me, that guy Jared? He's hardly her new boyfriend.
Gwen: This is exactly what I'm talking about. You say you are happy that she's moved on with another man, yet your actions tell a whole different story. Admit it, you can't stand the thought that she's moved on with another guy.
Theresa: Yeah, yeah, I'm thinking you should go into hiding for the next few weeks.
Jared: How's that?
Theresa: How is that? Well, I just, I don't know how you're going to do it, you know? How are you going to, like, walk around town holding that head up high after all of that macho strutting and bragging you did about how there's no way women can beat you at baseball. And we slaughtered them.
Chad: No, no, no. I wouldn't say slaughtered.
Whitney: Ok, ok, well, that's true -- decimated.
Theresa: Ooh, nice.
Whitney: "Decimated" is a better word.
Jared: All right. Ok, a bet's a bet. Where do you want us to take you for that lobster dinner we owe you?
Theresa: Um, some place I can wear my new dress.
Jared: These chicks and their clothes.
Theresa: I'm -- I'm sorry? Ok, if you're going to start knocking the female sex again --
Jared: Hell no, I'm just making an observation. Men, we can -- we can float through life with a few pairs of jeans, a t-shirt or two.
Theresa: Uh-huh, and a big mouth.
Jared: Hey, don't get your back up. I'm not saying anything anyone doesn't know. Women live for their clothes. I mean, you think what you wear makes all the difference in the world. It's what's underneath that matters.
Theresa: Oh, underneath that matters? You mean, like our bodies, right? Well, great, great. Jared. Thank you so much. Once a sexist pig, always a sexist pig. You know, forget dinner, forget me. I want you out of this house now.
Miguel: Mm, hey, hey, I thought we were coming up to take a shower.
Kay: Hey, there are lots of ways to take a shower. And I know you're concerned about the environment, so, you know, I thought maybe we should save some water and take one together.
Miguel: And I am absolutely loving the way you're thinking right now. But we did promise Tabitha we'd be downstairs in a couple of minutes.
Miguel: So, separate showers would be better.
Kay: All right.
Miguel: I'm going to use the one down the hall.
Kay: Hmm, you will make love to me tonight, Miguel.
Fox: Don't, Siren, don't even say it, all right? Kay's my fiancée, or at least she was before this electric shock triggered this amnesia.
Tabitha: Selective amnesia, Fox. She does remember some things.
Fox: She doesn't remember being in love with me. How am I supposed to go on watching her hang all over Miguel? All she does is think about making love to him. It's killing me.
Siren: I'm not exactly thrilled about it.
Fox: Siren, you and Miguel were just starting out. Kay and I had a real relationship. She was getting ready for our wedding. Now all she does is plan for her future with Miguel. I can't go on like this.
Tabitha: But you don't have any choice, according to Dr. Russell.
Siren: You'd risk damaging Kay permanently if you shock her with the truth.
Fox: Damn it, damn it, damn it.
Tabitha: You love all of this, don't you, Siren?
Siren: Kay's going to steal Miguel away from me. The least I can do is repay the favor.
Tabitha: How can you be so nonchalant about ruining a man's life?
Siren: What, "ruin his life?" I'm going to show him a very nice time.
Tabitha: Yeah, for one night. If he falls for your mermaid charms for one night, he'll be cursed, and he won't be able to love a mortal woman ever again.
Siren: Mortal women are so boring anyway. Fox, I know this is devastating for you.
Tabitha: Poor, unsuspecting Fox. By the time she's finished with him, he'll wish he'd never been born.
Fancy: Getting chilly, Luis?
Luis: That's very funny, Fancy. I still don't see how you're getting all these answers right.
Fancy: Hmm, just a natural-born detective, I guess.
Luis: I guess.
Fancy: I'm still waiting for your answer. Do you want me to repeat the question?
Luis: No, I got it. "C," go with your gut instinct and report your concerns to the chief of police.
Fancy: The answer is "A." "Comply with the order and put your concerns in writing when you get back to the station house."
Fancy: Oh, sorry. So what are you going to lose next?
Luis: Your turn. Let's see. Okay, here's yours. "What facial characteristic of human beings varies from person to person to the greatest extent, thereby making it the single best feature to use for identification?" A -- eyes; b -- ears; c -- nose; or d -- mouth?
Fancy: Ok, um, let's see. That sounds easy.
Fancy: Um, I say, "ears."
Fancy: Oh, no.
Luis: Ha ha ha, finally.
Luis: That's ok, you know what? We don't have to keep playing the strip version. If nothing else, I'm a gentleman.
Fancy: No, that's ok, Luis. I started it. So, it wouldn't be fair if I copped out. Excuse the pun.
Luis: That's not --
Ethan: I love you. Gwen, you are my wife --
Gwen: Wife, yeah. Oh, boy, you say that all the time, you know, like it's the only reason you're with me and not Theresa.
Ethan: That is so not true. I am with you, honey, because you are you. You've got to believe me.
Gwen: Oh, you have no idea how much I want to believe you. Ethan, you've been saying this for years, you know? And at the same time, I watch you with Theresa. Even tonight at the game, the look on your face when she ignored you. You looked like someone had just killed your dog, especially when she didn't wave good-bye to you at the end of the game.
Ethan: Oh, Gwen, come on.
Gwen: Do you have any idea how hard that is for me to take?
Ethan: All right. All right, all right, you're right. I'm sorry. I got a little upset, all right? This is all very new to me, this cold front that Theresa's putting up. I'd just hoped that we could remain friends. I did. She's Jane's biological mother, Gwen, you know?
Gwen: Oh, my God, Ethan, do you know how lame that sounds?
Ethan: Yes, I'm sorry. I got irritated at the way she just brushed me off so abruptly. I didn't like it. I guess it showed. I'm sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, honey.
Gwen: Well, you really did. You really did. Now, is she in our lives or is she out?
Ethan: She's out. There's no question about it. And I'm not going to let her behavior bother me again.
Theresa: Go, Jared, please, get out. What, what are you waiting for?
Jared: You are some piece of --
Theresa: Don't you dare --
Jared: "Work." I was going to say "work."
Theresa: Why, because I don't have patience for narrow-minded, sexist men?
Jared: No, because you're the most gullible woman I've ever met. It is so easy to get you riled up.
Whitney: Ok, I have to say, Jared, you're absolutely right.
Chad: I owe you one, man.
Theresa: Ok, but what's so amusing?
Chad: Well, Jared here bet us earlier that we could get you worked up in 30 seconds flat.
Whitney: And it only took 20. Sorry.
Theresa: Oh, my God.
Jared: Just had to knock you off that high horse you keep getting back up on, Tess.
Theresa: I've told you so many times, do not call me Tess.
Theresa: Ok, ok, ok, fine. You're right. I do overreact a little, sometimes.
Chad and Whitney: Sometimes?
Whitney: All right.
Theresa: Ok? Often? Ok, ok, all right, already, I overreact all the time. You're right.
Jared: It's all right, Tess.
Theresa: You got me, Jared.
Jared: You make up for your fiery temper by being able to laugh at yourself. Now, where do you want to go for that lobster dinner I owe you?
Chad: Look, you know, we could decide that later. If you want, man, you can, um, get cleaned up at my place.
Jared: Oh, that's cool, man, thanks.
Theresa: Bye. Bye.
Theresa: Hmm, so what?
Whitney: So, um, is he growing on you?
Theresa: Like a barnacle.
Whitney: Oh, please. He makes you laugh, which in itself is a miracle. You know, he might just be the guy to make you forget about Ethan.
Theresa: We'll see.
Luis: Um, uh, that would -- that would be -- that would be, uh, "b, the fingerprints."
Fancy: Nope, it's the mug shot.
Luis: Ah, you know, I got to tell you. I seem to be running a little low on clothing here.
Luis: How is it that I, who have already taken this police detective exam once, am doing worse than you are?
Fancy: Oh, you mean because I have a reputation as a frivolous party girl?
Luis: No, because last time I checked, Fancy Crane was never a policewoman.
Fancy: I told you, I must be a natural.
Luis: You must be.
Fancy: Natural-born cheater.
Luis: What was that?
Fancy: I'm ready for the next question.
Luis: So it would seem.
Gwen: You know what? I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Ethan: You don't believe that Theresa's ancient history to me, do you?
Gwen: Ethan, it's -- it's not just you, ok? It's me. I mean, Theresa has been such an incredible thorn in my side for such a long time. It's going to be actually kind of hard for me to not see her as a threat, you know? So you're not the only one having a hard time putting her out of your mind.
Ethan: Hey, I have, really. Tonight was just, it was just weird. It was weird and new. And if -- now that I know how she's going to act and how she's going to behave, it's not going to be a problem. As a matter of fact, I think it's going to be a lot easier this way.
Gwen: One would think, yeah.
Ethan: You're not buying this, are you?
Gwen: Oh, honey, it's -- it's no more you than it is me, ok? Look, I wonder how long it's going to take me to stop looking over my shoulder every time we're out together, you know, wondering when she's going to launch her next attack on our marriage.
Ethan: I really think she's done with all of it, ok? And she couldn't come between us when she was really trying to. She's certainly not going to be able to now.
Gwen: Well, I really, really hope you're right. You know, you mean everything to me.
Ethan: Well, guess what? I love you, too.
Gwen: You know, you looked great out there tonight playing baseball.
Gwen: Yeah, and it reminded me of when we were in college. Remember, I used to come to all your games?
Ethan: Uh-huh, how could I forget? You were like my own little personal cheerleading section.
Ethan: You were great. Of course, it was weird tonight being on opposite teams during the game.
Gwen: I don't know. I kind of liked it, kind of like a turn-on.
Ethan: No kidding?
Jared: So, this is Tess' mom's house?
Chad: That's right.
Jared: It's nice, probably nicer than her own place. I figure that's why she had us all back here. She's a little shy about bringing guests over to her own humble digs.
Chad: You know, I keep forgetting that you guys have only known each other for a few days.
Jared: Yeah, but the more I get to know Tess, the more impressed I am. I mean, you got to hand it to her, single mom, working hard, trying to raise a kid.
Jared: Where does she live? She's probably at that public housing project by the airport, huh? I mean, not that it matters.
Whitney: Oh, wow, that was fast, you guys, looking very nice.
Chad: And so do you.
Jared: Where's Tess?
Whitney: Oh, she's still getting ready. She's hell-bent on wearing this dress. I don't know.
Jared: Don't tell me. She made it herself, didn't she?
Whitney: Well, I --
Theresa: Psst, hey, Whit.
Whitney: Oh, excuse me for one second. Hey, what's the matter?
Theresa: I think my zipper's stuck.
Whitney: Oh, ok, I got it.
Theresa: Thank you.
Whitney: Are you sure you want to wear your new dress tonight?
Theresa: Yeah, of course. I mean, I'm not going to be able to wear it for Ethan, obviously. I'm kind of -- I'm kind of hoping Jared likes it.
Whitney: Well, I wouldn't count on that.
Whitney: Just saying, you know. You know how guys are. I mean, they hardly notice what a woman's wearing anyway. I mean, that's how Chad is.
Theresa: Got it?
Whitney: Yeah, got it.
Theresa: Ok. How do I look?
Whitney: Um, wow, wow. I don't know. I don't -- I don't have the words.
Theresa: I know, I know, it's -- it's different. I got that.
Theresa: I know, but that's why it cost a fortune. I mean, no point being Theresa Crane if I go around wearing cookie-cutter fashions, right?
Whitney: Yeah, guess not.
Theresa: I'm ready. What do you think? Do you like it? You like the dress?
Jared: It's something, all right.
Whitney: That's exactly what I said, Jared.
Theresa: Yeah, well, you know, it's an original.
Jared: I can tell.
Whitney: Why don't we get going?
Jared: That's a good idea. Ah, you want a coat, Theresa?
Theresa: Oh, no, I'm not going to cover up the dress, silly. Come on.
Jared: All right.
Tabitha: Oh, how am I going to pull off this home-cooked dinner when I have absolutely nothing in the house? If Endora were awake, she would be able to conjure up a nice little feast for us. My witchling's fast asleep, dreaming of invisibility, cloaks, and spells. What's going on here? Oh, well, looks like I can forget about dinner. Some people already have.
Miguel: What are you doing, Kay? I thought we were going downstairs for --
Kay: Hmm, there's something else I want to do first.
Tabitha: That boy has absolutely no willpower when it comes to Kay. Why are you changing channels on me? I want to watch Miguel and --
Tabitha: Has she no shame? Oh, silly question. No, of course she hasn't. Oh, my, is Fox really going to be seduced by that off-key vixen of the sea? Maybe if he loves Kay enough, as much as he says he does, he'll be able to resist her little ditty. Otherwise, he's -- he's just going to be hers forever.
Siren: Fox, I thought you were going to take a shower.
Fox: I did already, then I heard the most beautiful song.
Siren: Thanks. Come to me, Fox. Come, make love to me.
Luis: I really need to start getting some answers right. Beating the pants off me.
Fancy: Well, it's one way to pass the time in jail.
Luis: Yeah, well, where the hell are your lawyers, anyway? I thought Crane Legal would have had you out of here hours ago.
Fancy: Yeah, who knows? I'm sure someone will show up
Luis: Yeah, I hope so. All right, well, you never gave me the answer to your last question.
Fancy: Hmm, what were my choices again?
Luis: A -- murder; b -- burglary; c -- prostitution; d -- auto theft.
Fancy: Hmm, um, yeah, that's easy, "a, murder."
Luis: Hold on a second, because I gave you the wrong question. Let me see --
Fancy: But --
Luis: No, no, I got to give you the right question, right? Um, ok, name the three most important items that a police detective should have on him or her at all times.
Fancy: Oh, ok, um.
Luis: I'm waiting.
Fancy: Yeah, um, one is a gun.
Luis: Right, yeah, ok, two more.
Luis: Yeah, come on, Fancy, I'm sure you're going to ace this just like you aced all the other questions.
Fancy: I'm thinking.
Luis: We really need to put a time limit on this, I mean -- Ok, Fancy, what's your answer?
Fancy: I don't know, ok? I just don't know. There.
Luis: What happened? How about that? I mean, we finally stumped the natural-born detective. Hmm, I guess we know what this means.
Gwen: I am starving. You hungry?
Ethan: Yes, let's go raid the fridge downstairs.
Gwen: No, wait, I have a much better idea.
Gwen: How about something that involves a live sacrifice and some claws? And I don't mean boiling Theresa alive, although I would love to. Think.
Ethan: Lobster, you got lobster on the brain, don't you?
Gwen: Mm-hmm, I do.
Ethan: What about money, though? You said you were worried about money.
Gwen: Look, I reconsidered. You know, we only go around once. And we don't need to go all expensive and go to the Seascape. We can go to the :Lobster Shack. That's cheaper, all right?
Ethan: I'm in. I'm in.
Gwen's voice: And at least at the Lobster Shack, I know we won't run into Theresa. I'm sure that new guy she's hanging out with took her some place a lot fancier.
Theresa: Excuse me, sorry. Yeah, good old Lobster Shack. Kind of hoping we were going to the Seascape, Whitney.
Whitney: Well, Jared said that he was going to get us lobster. He didn't necessarily say it was going to be the most expensive place, so.
Theresa: Yeah, but why did I waste my new dress at the Lobster Shack?
Whitney: Um, yeah, yeah.
Jared: You know, I usually don't notice chicks' outfits -- man.
Chad: Well, I told you. Theresa's an original.
Jared: Well, she had to have made it herself. There's no way a store sold her that thing.
Chad: Well, I'm not so sure --
Jared: I feel bad kind of picking on her. You know, it's not really -- it's not really fair. She must have spent a lot of time on it. You got to hand it to her.
Theresa: There's a ton of free tables here.
Man: What's wrong with you, Janice? That's Theresa Crane waiting on line.
Janice: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.
Man: Well, seat her now. Her company owns the land this restaurant sits on.
Man: So nice to see you. Your hostess will seat you right away.
Theresa: Thank you.
Jared: Our lucky day, huh?
Man: Hey, we were here first.
Man: Darling, don't you see who that is?
Man: Yeah, Theresa Crane, Miss Muckity Muck.
Man: I see all that money didn't buy her good taste.
Janice: Enjoy your meal.
Theresa: Oh. What are they looking at?
Jared: Maybe your, um, dress.
Theresa: The dress. Whitney, I should not have worn this dress. I didn't know we were coming here, though, you know?
Jared: You know what? Forget about them. I love what you did with it.
Theresa: Excuse me?
Jared: The dress. You know, so what if it's a little different. I really admire the fact that you don't care what other people think. What were you going for, like, a "Sex in the City" thing?
Theresa: Ah, Jared, I hope you know that this dress --
Jared: No, no, no, don't get me wrong, Theresa. I'm not putting it down. I think it's great that you make your own clothes to save a few bucks. My hat's off to all those single mothers out there trying to get along crazy, dog-eat-dog world.
Theresa: Well, it is kind of weird, isn't it?
Whitney: That's one word for it, yeah.
Chad: Yeah, I don't know what you were smoking, Theresa.
Whitney: Yeah, me neither.
Jared: I first saw you and I couldn't tell if it was a dress or a giant disco handkerchief you couldn't get out of.
Whitney: Honey, but you usually have really good taste.
Theresa: Well, yeah, I knew it was -- was -- it was a risk, risk, risk, risk.
Jared: Hey, you know, I'm getting to like you more and more.
Theresa: Ah, because of my great taste in clothing?
Jared: No, because you can laugh at yourself. I'm glad you came out today, Tess.
Whitney: So, what do you think?
Chad: About what?
Whitney: About those two. They might be really falling for each other, huh?
Luis: Geez, tough break, huh, Fancy? You were acing every question and, man, now it's like you -- you can't seem to get one right.
Fancy: Yeah, don't worry about it. Let me see the book for a minute.
Fancy: Well, I just can't find the page you're asking your questions from.
Luis: Oh, I can't remember, but I'm sure it's in there.
Luis: You about ready for the next one? I mean, if you can't answer this one.
Fancy: I know what has to come off, Luis.
Luis: I mean, that's all right. You know, I'm not going to hold you to the whole strip quiz just because the whole thing was your idea.
Fancy: What's so funny?
Luis: You. Ah, backfired, didn't it?
Fancy: What are you talking about?
Luis: Don't add lying to cheating.
Fancy: What cheating?
Luis: What cheating? This cheating. You've been busted, Fancy.
Fancy: Well, how long did you know I had the answers?
Luis: Well, long enough to ask you some bogus questions, long enough to get you in your underwear.
Fancy: How dare you?
Luis: Yeah, talk about nerve.
Kay: It'll relax you. Mm.
Miguel: Oh, that feels good.
Kay: Hmm, I know something that feels even better.
Miguel: Ah, do --
Tabitha: Enough with those two. I want to see if Fox has a chance in hell against that sex-maniac mermaid.
Fox: No, no, what am I doing? I love Kay.
Siren: But I'm here, Fox. Make love to me.
Luis: Uh-huh. And you talk about the pot calling the kettle black. It's no wonder you got all the answers right. Yeah, I was beginning to feel like an idiot.
Fancy: Just because I was sneaking peeks at the answers doesn't explain how you got so many wrong. So, maybe you are an idiot.
Luis: You're all heart, you know that?
Fancy: I'm just kidding.
Luis: Well, yeah, obviously I do need to study. I can't believe how much I've forgotten since last time I made a run for detective.
Fancy: You'll pass, no doubt about it. The last thing you are is an idiot.
Luis: So, you think buttering me up is going to make me forget about what you did? You're going to pay, Fancy Crane. And I'm not talking about for the traffic tickets.
Fancy: Oh, really?
Fancy: So, what are you talking about?
Luis: I haven't made up my mind yet.
Luis: All right, give me the exam book.
Luis: Because I want to make good use of this time.
Fancy: Well, I don't want to play the practice quiz anymore.
Luis: Give me the book, Fancy.
Luis: Give me the book.
Fancy: Uh-uh, no.
Luis: Fancy, give me that book. I'm telling you.
Theresa: Yeah, I could use this as a handkerchief, mm-hmm.
Jared: Well, I love things with more than one use.
Gwen: We were so lucky to get a sitter on such short notice.
Ethan: I know.
Gwen: I don't believe it.
Gwen's voice: Damn it, Theresa. Why can't Ethan get over you?
Theresa: It's not that hideous.
Whitney: Oh, yes, it is.
Jared: Oh, let her be. So, it's not the most beautiful dress I've ever seen. I can't begin to tell you how much I admire the fact that you make your own clothes.
Whitney: Oh, but, Jared --
Jared: I mean, anything to save a penny or two, I'm all for it. I bet your boss doesn't pay you half what you're worth, probably works you like a dog, huh?
Jared: Well, I can relate. I mean, when I first got out there, I was broker than broke, trying to work three jobs to get by.
Whitney: You're kidding me. What kind of jobs did you have?
Jared: Oh, the one that gave me the hardest time was building janitor. I really never got the hang of working with the machinery. Don't ever tangle with a floor waxer. I had a fight with one, one time. It had me pressed against the picture window ready to toss me out into the Chicago sky.
Kay: Oh, Miguel, don't stop.
Miguel: I wasn't going to.
Kay: Thank you, Tabitha.
Miguel: What did you say?
Kay: Nothing, nothing.
Tabitha: I don't know which is worse, Kay seducing Miguel with my lust potion or Siren luring Fox into making love with her mermaid song. Anyway, why should I care? As long as Kay has got her claws into Miguel, he won't be running after Charity again. And Endora and I will enjoy all eternity as witches. Well, I must say, I do feel sorry for poor, unsuspecting Fox. Little does he know that he is being seduced by a frivolous, fickle she-fish with fins. One roll in the seaweed with her and he will never be able to consummate his love with a mortal woman again.
Fox: I love you, Siren, only you.
Siren: I know, Fox. I know.
Jared: Well, the bottom line is, I quit my job the next day before I killed myself.
Whitney: It looks like we might just have a match-up here.
Gwen: Ok, would you look at that?
Gwen: Look, look at Theresa's eyes. Look at the way she's looking at Jared. Her eyes are totally sparkling.
Ethan: So what?
Gwen: So, honey, this is -- this is huge, ok? I remember a couple of years ago seeing you and Theresa sitting at a table together. She was looking at you the same way. It was like you were the only person in the room. I was completely floored. Her eyes were sparkling the same way. She was lit up like a Christmas tree. But I never ever, ever thought I would ever see her look at another man the same way. Honey, I got to tell you, it looks like Theresa's really moving on.
Fancy: No more, no more.
Luis: No more? You who would have happily gone on cheating all night now says, "no more"?
Fancy: Well, you can't catch me.
Luis: What was that about not catching you?
Fancy: You klutz.
Luis: You're not only a cheat, but you're clumsy, too.
Fancy: And what else?
Luis: Stubborn and sneaky, a tease and, uh --
Fancy: And what else?
Luis: Beautiful, just beautiful.
On the Next Passions:
Tabitha: Fox is cursed. He will never be able to be with a mortal woman again.
Fox: Oh, I love you, Siren.
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