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Proofread By Jodi
Lena: Well, Maya, did you track down Noah or not?
Maya: I just missed him. They were at this fancy nightclub.
Lena: They? Then he and Fancy have hooked up again.
Lena: For God's sake, Maya, your job was to keep them apart. You have to find them.
Maya: They could be anywhere in the city by now.
Lena: Damn it. They can't resume their love affair. You know that.
Maya: They're in love, Lena. How the hell am I supposed to keep them apart?
Lena: That's your problem, Maya. You figure it out.
Maya: Do you know Noah can't stand pretending to be in love with me? All he thinks about is Fancy Crane.
Lena: He doesn't have a choice. If he persists in being with the girl, he's signing her death warrant. It's as simple as that.
Man: [Speaking Italian]
Noah: Sorry, officer.
Fancy: We didn't mean any harm.
Officer: [Speaking Italian]
Fancy: We're sorry, officer.
Noah: We were just leaving.
Officer: That is your money?
Noah: It's just a little change.
Officer: That you took from the fountain? Put it back. People throw coins in the fountain and make wishes. You have no business stealing people's hopes and dreams.
Noah: Yeah, but we were just trying to make a few wishes of our own.
Fancy: Your city is so beautiful and romantic, we just got swept away.
Officer: Put them back now. Now, go away. Crazy Americans.
Noah: I'm sorry, officer. It's just -- hold on. It's about that whole "hopes and dreams and wishes" thing, all right?
Officer: Lovesick fools. They are the same in every country.
Tabitha: Endora, will you look at that? Fox is headed straight for the beach where Kay and Miguel are about to make wild -- well, let's just say that Fox is about to find Kay and Miguel acting like more than just friends. Well, don't look at me like that. I didn't put this in motion. You did. All I know is when Fox finds Kay and Miguel together, it won't be pretty. I expect the first thing he'll do is break off their engagement, which is just ducky with me. Because that will mean that Kay will be free to be with Miguel. And that, my darling daughter, will be a red-letter day for us, because if Kay is hooked up with Miguel, he won't ever be able to hook up with Charity. So, we'll be safe from her gift of goodness. Don't pout, Endora. I warned you about your unnatural bend for sweetness and light. You thought it was fine and dandy to lure Fox out after Kay and Miguel. But I'm afraid it is going to boomerang on you, my dear. Yes, what you put in motion here -- well, it's going to ensure Fox and Kay's demise for good.
Fox: They're next to the bonfire. That looks like Miguel. What's he doing way out here this late? Who is that woman that he's with? Oh, that had better not be Kay. Oh, so help me God, he'll wish he never set foot in Harmony.
Miguel: Kay, I've been wanting to do this since I came back. You ok?
Kay: It's just I shouldn't be doing this. I'm engaged to Fox. Maybe you need to find someone else.
Miguel: I don't want anyone else.
Noah: You ok?
Fancy: Yeah. I'm a little wet, but otherwise, I've never felt better.
Officer: [Speaking Italian]
Noah: What did he say?
Fancy: My Italian's pretty rusty, but I think it's something like, get lost or he'll have us arrested.
Noah: Oh, ok. Don't worry, officer. We are out of here. Ciao.
Officer: Amore. Everywhere I look -- amore.
Fancy: We better get going.
Noah: Oh, here you go. All right. Well, the Vespa is back there. Oh, but what about your espresso?
Fancy: I don't need anything but you.
Man: Hi there, Americano.
Man: I hope that red Vespa around the corner is not yours.
Fancy: It is.
Man: Not anymore. The polizia put it in the back of their van. It was parked illegally.
Fancy: Oh, what are we going to do? We are way too far away from the hotel to walk.
Man: Hop in, I will take you there.
Noah: I wish we could, but we don't have any money to pay you with.
Man: No problemo. You're in the city of romance and love. I am a romantic at heart. This ride is on me.
Noah: All right. Come on.
Noah: Thanks, pal.
Noah: Hey, if you're ever in New England, I owe you one.
Man: Where to?
Noah: How about once around the coliseum, then on to our hotel.
Tabitha: Hmm! Well, so much for you sending Fox to find Kay. When he finds her with Miguel, it will break up their relationship so fast it will make your pretty blond head spin. Yeah, and he'll never forgive her for cheating on him with her old love. He's far too proud for that. Yep, Fox will end his relationship with Kay. And Kay will go back to being crazy mad about Miguel. I think they'll be together forever.
Tabitha: What are you up to now, Endora? What is it going to take for you to learn that your magic is just making things worse right now?
Fox: That can't be Kay. She wouldn't do that to me. She loves me.
Fox: What the hell?
Fox: I can't see the shore anymore. I have no idea which way I'm going.
Tabitha: No, you don't, Endora. You are the one who sent Fox out on this wild goose chase to find Kay tonight. And now you're trying to get him lost so he won't find her in Miguel's arms -- naked. Don't you dare get fresh with me, young lady. Why can't you understand that Kay and Miguel together are the answer to our prayers? Once they become a couple, then we'll be safe from the powers of Charity's goodness. I know that you were born with a very unfortunate streak of compassion. But surely, even you realize that we have to protect the dark side. Broken hearts are the essence of our survival. Where did I go wrong? I'm sure you think you're doing the right thing -- that it's good to be good. But it's not. And even though your father Julian is mortal, you are still my daughter, which makes you a bonafide witch. But at the moment you seem to be doing everything you can to undermine us. Not only are you putting our lives at risk; you're jeopardizing Fox's life as well. What if your half brother gets lost out there at sea in the fog that you've conjured up? Yeah, well, think about it now. And let this be a lesson to you, young lady. Don't interfere with grownups' business. Just let Mummy handle these things.
Kay: Miguel, I shouldn't be doing this.
Miguel: I love you, Kay. I want you.
Tabitha: Fox should be witnessing this right now, Endora. And he would be if it weren't for your tampering. I think these two are going to go all the way.
Woman: Miguel. Miguel.
Lena: It occurs to me that perhaps Noah doesn't care all that much about Fancy's life or he wouldn't be chasing her all over Rome.
Maya: He's in love with her, Lena.
Lena: Whatever. Remind Noah of what's at stake here, as he seems to have forgotten. Not only is Fancy's life on the line; so is his.
Maya: No, Lena --
Lena: Don't look so horrified. You know the kind of people we're dealing with here. They think nothing of eradicating their enemies or even people they perceive to be unhelpful. That could include you, as well as me, Maya, so no more fooling around. No more falling down on the job or losing Noah.
Maya: You can't expect me to watch him every minute of every day.
Lena: You'd better. Nobody said this was going to be easy, Maya. None of us have a choice in this, including Noah. Either he says good-bye to Fancy on his own or he'll lose her forever in a most distasteful way. It's up to him. Either way, he'll never be with her again.
Maya: Well, he can't know that. I mean, he has to believe that his giving her up is only temporary, as a means of trapping you.
Lena: So, Noah thinks he's successful at pulling the wool over my eyes, that you and he are putting on the act of your lives, pretending to be in love so I'll buy it and entrust you with essential information.
Maya: Exactly. It's the arrangement we made with the FBI to keep them from locking us up.
Lena: Foolish man.
Maya: He's not foolish. He trusts me.
Lena: As I said, foolish man.
Maya: The point is he's only willing to do this until the FBI catches you and the people you work for. Then he thinks he can go back to Fancy and tell her everything. Look, he can't suspect that I'm being anything but truthful. Or he'll back out right now.
Lena: So, it's up to you to keep your collusion with me a secret.
Maya: And that's the worst part. He thinks I already came clean with him in the FBI office, that I told him everything.
Lena: Quite the double agent, aren't you?
Maya: And I hate it. I hate double-crossing this really great guy all over again.
Lena: Poor, Maya. You think you're the only one who has to obey orders from cold-hearted higher-ups? Not so. I'm merely following my commands, too, which are to keep Noah and Fancy apart -- not just physically but emotionally, as well.
Maya: I just don't see --
Lena: Find a way. If you fail, one of them will die for sure. Maybe both. And then they'll punish us for failing in our mission. This isn't some game, Maya. It's for real, for keeps. Life and death. Do what you were hired to do. Break up Noah and Fancy for good.
Noah: Where's the bedroom?
Fancy: That way. Oh.
Noah: Hey, hey.
Fancy: I know you're disappointed.
Noah: About what?
Fancy: Our espresso and biscotti. It was such a great idea.
Noah: Yes, it was. But I have a better idea now.
Fancy: Mm, wait. He was right. The policeman, I mean.
Noah: Yeah, we really didn't have any business taking coins from that fountain, huh?
Fancy: I knew it. You're a romantic just like the officer accusing us of meddling with people's hopes and dreams by taking those coins.
Noah: Well, not as romantic as the officer.
Fancy: What --
Noah: Heads, we go into the bedroom and make love. Tails, we do the same thing.
Fancy: Where did you get that?
Noah: I kept one.
Noah: Well, look, it's the one we made our wish on. That I made my wish on, at least.
Fancy: Are you going to tell me your wish?
Noah: Well, then it won't come true.
Fancy: Well, what if I guess?
Noah: I think that would work. What do you think I wished for?
Noah: How'd you know?
Fancy: Hmm, this is the coin that I wished on. And I wished for you.
Noah: Why don't we go get you out of these clothes, huh?
Fancy: Oh, I never thought I'd feel this way again.
Noah: Neither did I.
Fancy: Then we can stay this way?
Noah: Just you try to get rid of me.
Fancy: Promise me.
Noah: I promise.
Fancy: No, I mean it. I need to hear the words. Promise me you'll never let anyone come between us again.
Noah: You have my word.
Tabitha: You might be a bit more interested in what's going on in our magic bowl, Endora. It's only our entire future that's at stake here.
Fox: This is thick as pea soup. How the hell am I going to make it ashore and find Miguel and whoever he is making out with? It better not be Kay.
Tabitha: Well, Fox is still lost in the fog, and Kay and Miguel are -- well, they're, uh, they're busy.
Tabitha: Endora, I have never seen you so attached to one of your dolls. You really loved that story, "The Little Mermaid," didn't you, huh?
[Laughs] Well, just so you know, it isn't real. It's pure fiction. Just like the book Oprah recommended and wished she hadn't. Yes, and it's a good thing, too. Because mermaids are nothing but trouble.
Tabitha: Yeah, well, they're fickle and flighty. They cause nothing but chaos and mayhem. And if that isn't enough, they are so arrogant. They think they're Neptune's gift or something. Yes, I'm glad to say I haven't had a mermaid cross my path for eons. But mark my words, Endora. If you ever see one up close, then turn and run for the hills because they are the worst enemy that witches could have. I mean, they ruin spells. They turn everything topsy-turvy. If I can give you one little bit of advice, it's this, my dear. Avoid mermaids at all costs. Understand?
Woman: [In a sing-song voice] Miguel.
Miguel: Did you hear that?
Miguel: It was her, the woman that saved me from drowning. She's calling me again.
Kay: From where?
Miguel: I don't know. I think it's coming from the water.
Kay: Well, unless she is an Olympic swimmer, I doubt it.
Fox: What's with this fog? It's like it's aimed directly at me and my boat and it just came out of nowhere. How the hell am I going to find the shore?
Fox: Why the hell should I care? It doesn't look like Miguel is in much need of assistance on the beach with whoever he was with. It couldn't have been Kay. We're getting married. She loves me. If it wasn't Kay, who's Miguel with?
Kay: I don't hear it.
Miguel: I did, ok? It was faint, but I heard her calling me. The blonde woman, you know, the one that saved me from drowning?
Kay: I thought she was just a figment of your imagination.
Miguel: No, she was real. As real as you are. I just wish I knew who she was.
Kay: You and me both.
Mermaid: [In a sing-song voice] Miguel.
Tabitha: What are they listening for? What do you know about all this, Endora? Is someone out there, huh? Will you answer me, please? All right. Bowl of wonder, second to none, show me what my daughter's done.
Tabitha: Oh, Hades, tell me I'm not seeing this. Endora, you conjured up a mermaid, didn't you?
Tabitha: Why did I ever read you that story? You know, real mermaids are real trouble. We're going to have to get rid of her tout de suite before she ruins everything. Bring her here. Bring her here at once. Yes, yes, here, right now. Mummy's very unhappy with you, Endora.
Tabitha: That's another reason I don't like mermaids. They leave puddles wherever they go.
Mermaid: Where am I?
Tabitha: You're in a heap of trouble, dear, that's where.
Noah: What the --
Maya: Don't wake her up.
Noah: Maya, what the hell are you doing here?
Maya: Trying to save you from making the worst mistake of your life. Come over here so you don't wake her up.
Noah: Maya, this is none of your business.
Maya: The hell it isn't. You know why you can't be with Fancy. You are going to ruin everything.
Noah: Look, the FBI said I only had to pretend to be in love with you instead of Fancy.
Maya: I'm not talking about the FBI. I'm talking about Lena.
Noah: How is she going to know?
Maya: She's here, Noah. She's here in Rome. If she found out about you and Fancy, it would blow our cover completely.
Noah: I don't care.
Noah: You heard me, all right? I'm through with this game. I am done, Maya. I'm not going to spend one more day -- not one more hour -- without Fancy.
Maya: You have to.
Noah: No, I don't.
Maya: It's for her own protection. She has to believe that we're in love with each other.
Noah: I won't do it, ok? I already broke her heart once. I'm not going to do it again. I will not lose the love of my life.
Maya: What about her life, Noah? If you love her as much as you say you do, I think you'd do anything to protect her.
Lena: Yes, I realize Noah and Fancy were together tonight. Maya's taking care of it. She's with him right now. Don't worry. It won't happen again. And if it does, I know what must be done. Fancy or Noah or both of them will have to die.
Tabitha: Well, I'd offer you a chair, but you probably wouldn't know what to do with it.
Mermaid: What's a chair?
Tabitha: Oh, good grief, she's stupid. Well, I don't know why I'd expect any more of a giant tuna fish lolling about on my clean kitchen floor.
Mermaid: Oh, I'm not a tuna. I'm a mermaid.
Tabitha: I know what you are. You're a dratted mermaid. Watch what you're doing with that thing, will you?
Mermaid: You know what you are? You're a nasty, old --
Tabitha: That's enough with the name calling, thank you.
Mermaid: Who are you? Where am I? What am I doing here?
Tabitha: I think you're the one who should be answering some questions, miss fish. What have you been up to?
Mermaid: Me? I wasn't doing anything. I was just hanging out on the rocks, minding my own business. Suddenly, here I am. Is this what they call a house?
Tabitha: Oh, good grief. Yes, yes, yes, it's a house. Endora, I will never let you cast another spell as long as you live.
Mermaid: And you're witches.
Tabitha: Oh, you have a brain cell or two. Yes, we are witches. What of it?
Mermaid: I just want to know what you want with me.
Tabitha: Well, as a matter of fact, it's my daughter here who conjured you up in the first place.
Mermaid: I wondered how I suddenly came alive. You're the one who set me free. How can I ever thank you?
Tabitha: Yeah, well, I'll tell you how you can thank both of us. You can leave now. Disappear. Go back into the fairy tale you came from.
Mermaid: But I'd just begun to live. I've been locked away for so long. I don't want to go back to living in a children's book.
Tabitha: Yes, well, tough barnacles, baby cakes. You just get back to those yellow pages of that book. Nobody ever reads here anyway anymore. They're all glued to the TV or their computer or -- so you just scoot. Scoot, scram.
Mermaid: Please don't make me go back to my fable. I love it in the real world. I always have. I want to stay.
Tabitha: I think you're going to need a little bit of convincing, aren't you, dear? Fluffy! Fluffy! Puss, puss, puss. Time to come inside, Fluffy.
Mermaid: What kind of cat is that?
Tabitha: A big one. A big, hungry one. And wouldn't you know it, I've run out of cat food. Oh, old fluffy is going to be so upset when she comes in and finds there's no dinner. And she does love her fish dinners.
Mermaid: Please, don't send me away. I'll be good, I promise.
Tabitha: Well, good, good! Mermaids can't be good. It's not in their nature. You're all full of tricks and trouble.
Mermaid: Not me. I'm different. I'm nice.
Tabitha: Oh, yes, nice, nice. Me, too. Yes, I'm Glenda, the good witch in disguise. In case nobody has ever told you, dear, witches and mermaids don't work well together. So, since I live here and you don't, get lost. Go on. Be gone before you stir up any more trouble. We've got enough trouble brewing here without adding you to the mix.
Noah: I can't leave her again, Maya. Not when I've just gotten her back. I love her and I want to be with her.
Maya: But she can't know that, Noah. I mean, come on, remember the deal we made with the FBI? They only released us so we would help them catch Lena and the people she's working for.
Noah: Yeah, and the supposed terrorists.
Maya: Exactly. Did you forget how much danger Fancy's in?
Noah: Maybe I did. When I saw her again, I just wanted to be with her.
Maya: Well, you can't. That's the only way to protect her.
Noah: Yeah, but Fancy won't understand that. She'll think that I left her again to be with you.
Maya: That was kind of the idea, Noah.
Noah: This is only for a while, right?
Maya: Yeah, just until the FBI gets what they want, which means us making Lena believe that we're in love with each other.
Noah: Ok. I want this thing over with so I can be back with Fancy.
Maya: Well, then get things back on track right away.
Noah: I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
Maya: Come on, you have to get dressed. We have to get out of here before she wakes up.
Noah: I love you, Fancy.
Tabitha: That's not polite, Endora.
Mermaid: Oh, I don't mind. She's darling. And besides, I owe her so much for bringing me to life.
Tabitha: Yes, well, she's just a child and she made a mistake. Now, are you going to leave voluntarily, or are you going to be dinner for Fluffy?
Tabitha: It's all right. It's all right, Endora. I suppose we can send your mermaid friend back if we have to. Oh, but it might have been quite entertaining to see fluffy have at her, don't you think?
Mermaid: But I don't want to go away. For the first time in hundreds of years, I feel like I have something to look forward to. And I feel happy.
Tabitha: Oh, happiness. Oh, happiness isn't all it's cracked up to be, dear. It comes and it goes. It's one of the more fickle emotions that these mortals seem addicted to. And your happiness is about to take a hike. Endora, do you want to do the honors or what? Hmm? You know, this isn't up for discussion. She cannot stay. Unless, of course, you want me to introduce her to Fluffy, huh?
Mermaid: I beg you. Please, spare my life. But don't send me back into the land of fiction. I like real-life stories so much better.
Tabitha: You and Oprah.
Mermaid: Who is Oprah?
Tabitha: Oh, you have led a sheltered life, haven't you? All right, time to go. Say your good-byes, girls.
[Water gurgling] Now what's going on?
Fox: I can't see a thing.
Tabitha: You forgot to lift the fog, Endora. Enough with keeping Fox from finding Kay and Miguel.
Mermaid: Miguel? You know Miguel?
Tabitha: Yes, of course, I know Miguel, dear. How do you --
Tabitha: Oh, belching beelzebobbits. You -- you're the blonde girl who saved him. Only you're not a girl at all.
Mermaid: See, I told you I'm not like other mermaids. I did a good thing.
Tabitha: And I should take the word of a creature with flippers for feet? Oh, how do you think Miguel is going to like the idea that he was rescued by a fish?
Mermaid: That's not nice.
Tabitha: I'm a dues-paying member of the dark side. I'm not supposed to be nice. Miguel thinks that some hot blonde breathed life back into him, and really it was a female version of "Free Willy." That's a good one. Oh, more. Show me more.
Kay: Can't hear anyone.
Miguel: Me neither. But I'm sure I heard her calling me. I heard her voice.
Kay: You're sure it's the same woman who saved you?
Miguel: She never spoke to me that night. But, yes, I'm sure. I heard her calling me.
Kay: I feel so weird. This whole night's like a strange dream.
Miguel: If it is a dream, I don't want to wake up.
Tabitha: I really don't have time for this distraction from the deep, so last chance. Either flop on back where you came from, or I'm going to let fluffy inside.
Mermaid: I can't believe you know Miguel.
Tabitha: Of course I know Miguel. He's staying upstairs in my spare room. Now skedaddle, dear.
Mermaid: No, I won't go. I want to stay.
Tabitha: All right. This is your last chance. Kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty? Mommy has got a big surprise for you. It's called dinner.
Tabitha: Here she comes. We're having fish tonight.
Mermaid: No! No!
On the Next Passions:
Chris: Are you going to stay with me, or are you going back to Luis and Marty?
Fox: That's not Kay.
Man: It is time to show you what you must do.
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