Passions Transcript Thursday 12/15/05 [an error occurred while processing this directive]

Passions Transcript Wednesday 12/14/05--Canada; Thursday 12/15/05--USA
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Provided By Amanda
Proofread by Jodi

[Christmas music plays]

Jessica: "Laguna Beach" rejects. Oh, my gosh, you so nailed it, Simone. You know, I have not laughed this hard in a long time, and I have you to thank for it.

Simone: It's no biggie.

Jessica: But to me it is. If you hadn't come along when you did, Spike would have me doing some creepy guy in some gross motel room, another guy I could have killed for all I know.

Simone: Hey. What are friends with pepper spray for?

Jessica: I've missed you, Simone. And straight or gay, you'll always be my friend.

Spike: Oh, you are one dumb lesbian, Simone. Nobody blasts me with pepper spray and takes my meal ticket and gets away with it. Hey, ladies, get in position. The p-town princess gets it on my signal, ok? Go ahead.

Singer: A pair of hop-along boots and a pistol that shoots is the wish

Sheridan: You know, I hope they have skis to fit James so he can learn to skate.

Chris: I'm sure they do. Come on, son. You'll be skating around me and Sheridan in no time.

Singer: And Mom and Dad can hardly wait

Tabitha: Oh, good. It appears Sheridan and Chris and little James are going to go ice skating. Ooh! Oh, Endora. Wait until you see what Mummy has planned -- a real slam dunk.

Endora: Yeah! Yeah!

Kay: My life is over and it's all your fault.

Fancy: Goodbye, Ethan. I know you didn't want to end up like this. I don't blame you. You were always so strong and so vital and alive. To see you now, trapped inside your body with death the only way out, it's -- it's too sad for words. I'm going to get help for you if I have to hike to the nearest town to call Gwen. She'll send an ambulance for you, and the police to arrest Theresa and Noah.

Officer: What do you think, Dan?

Dan: Well, I guess it's all right. Come on, let's roll. Hey, look. There's another car behind those bushes.

Officer: If you're up here all alone, how come there are two cars there?

Noah: That was here when I got here.

Dan: Uh-huh.

Noah: Whoa.

Dan: Hands in the air. Now, pal.

Noah: Am I under arrest?

Officer: We ask the questions.

Noah: All right. Take it easy, guys, ok?

Dan: We don't buy that you're here alone.


Noah: Look, I told you that other car was out here when I got here.

Officer: Then what was that noise we just heard?

Theresa: Oh, God. Please don't let those cops find me. Or Ethan.

[Christmas music plays]

Tabitha: Over? I ruined your life?

Kay: The spell you cast to break up me and Fox -- it worked, and it's your fault.

Tabitha: Listen to me, young lady. You asked me -- no, you insisted I cast that spell.

Kay: I know, but when do you listen to a word I say?

Tabitha: Oh. Do you hear this, Endora? The moxie of some mortals. You threatened to out me as a witch if I didn't accede to your demands.

Kay: I was bluffing.

Tabitha: Well, I didn't know you were bluffing. I have a child to protect.

[Endora talks]

Kay: What kind of a witch are you, letting the mortals call the shots here, huh?

Tabitha: Right now I'm a witch who's seconds away from casting a spell on you.

Kay: I'm sorry, Tabitha. It's just I blew it. I blew it with Fox. I lost him to Valerie.

Tabitha: Right, well, let's just rewind a bit, shall we, dear? Now, tell me -- what happened when you went back to the office?

Kay: Well, I made a fool of myself, that's what happened.

Tabitha: How so?

Kay: Well, it turns out that Fox and Valerie were not kissing. The boys in the basement just made it look like that in your magic bowl.

Tabitha: Oh. Far be it from me to say I warned you that could happen, but I warned you that could happen.

Kay: They were just congratulating each other on saving the Singapore project. They weren't making out. And I made such a scene in front of Fox -- oh, my gosh. He's never going to forgive me, and I don't blame him.

Chris: How's that?

Sheridan: Perfect. You know, I always have trouble getting them tight enough around my ankles, but you get them as snuggly as Luis did. I'm sorry, it's just that --

Chris: It's ok, Sheridan. I'm just glad I'm here to help.

Sheridan: So am I. Now let's get you all laced up.

Spike: Yep, paybacks are a bitch, Simone -- three of them to be exact.

Girl: Hey, yo, Salt-n-Pepa. Either of you got a light?

Simone: We don't smoke.

Jessica: Yeah, you shouldn't, either. Cigarettes can kill you.

Simone: You ready to go?

Jessica: Yeah.

Girl: Hey, hey, hey, what's your rush, ladies?

Second girl: Word around town is you two like to party.

Jessica: No, we don't.

Simone: You don't even know us.

Girl: We know more than you think.

Spike: Go on, skanks. Cut to the chase already. Give lezzie what she got coming to her.

Girl: Too bad having a good time isn't your thing because we could have had ourselves a blast.

Second girl: Come on. We'll check out the roadhouse. Tiny's always up for some fun.

Simone: Oh, hey. You dropped your bag.

Girl: Oh. Thanks, yo. Hey, hey, stop it, you sick lesbo.

Simone: Stop what?

Girl: Did you see that?

Jessica: No, what?

Girl: Gay chick just felt me up.

Simone: No, I didn't.

Girl: Sick.

Second girl: Yeah, you perv. Keep your hands to yourself.

Jessica: Hey, no. Simone would never do that.

Girl: Hey, I've been felt up enough to know when I'm being felt up, and she was definitely copping a feel!

Simone: I was not!

T.C.: What's going on?

Girl: This sick lesbo tried to feel up my friend.

Simone: Daddy, I did not.

Girl: I feel so dirty.

T.C.: Why would she say you did if you didn't? What the hell is wrong with you, Simone?

[Monitor beeps]

Fancy: It's so unfair to lose you now, Ethan, and in such a sad way. No one ever had a better big brother growing up. You were always so patient and loving to Fox, my sister, and me. I remember when we were jumping on the trampoline Mother and Father had given us one summer. You were being careful, taking slow, precise jumps to show us how it was done. Of course, I didn't have the patience to learn. I wanted to reach for the sky before Fox and sis had a chance to do it. So I insisted on going first and started jumping higher and higher. And you said I'd get hurt if I wasn't careful, but I didn't listen. And before long, I jumped so high that I flew off the trampoline. And I could see the lawn rushing to meet me head-on, when all of a sudden you appeared between me and the grass, catching me just in time to keep me from crash-landing. I probably would have broken my arm or worse if you hadn't gotten to me in time. You saved my life, Ethan. And I wish I could save your life now, but I can't. All I can do is get word to Gwen so she can get you back to Harmony where you can die in peace and with dignity, the way you want to, not here with that damned Theresa.

Theresa: God. If those cops find Ethan, they're going to take him back to Harmony and then Gwen's going to take Ethan off of life support before he has a chance to get better. Come on, Noah. You got to convince those cops to leave before they find Ethan.

Noah: Look, you guys might as well leave, all right? I told you the truth. I'm the only one here.

Officer: We don't buy it.

Dan: We know we heard something before coming from over in that direction.

Officer: What's behind those doors?

Noah: One is to a closet and --

Dan: Yeah? What's in it?

Noah: It's a closet, man. There's coats and snowshoes, stuff like that.

Officer: What's behind the other door?

Noah: It's to a bedroom.

Dan: Well, guess I better check it out. Mr. Crane would fire us if we aren't thorough.

Noah: Hey, look, whatever happened to taking a guy at his word, huh?

Dan: What's the big deal if you're here alone like you say?

Noah: You got me there.

Theresa: Oh, God. The cops are going to find Ethan and Fancy.

Fancy: I didn't hear you knock.

Dan: He said he was here alone.

Fancy: Well, he lied. And luckily for you gentlemen, I am ready to set the record straight.

Noah's voice: Prison, here I come.

Theresa: Ethan is doomed.

[Respirator wheezes]

Dan: Who are you, ma'am?

Fancy: I'm Fancy Crane. This is my family's cabin.

Officer: Why did you lie and say you were here all alone?

Noah: All right, Fancy. You tell them the truth.

Theresa: I tried to save Ethan. I just wish Fancy had forgiven Noah for helping me.

Noah: It's ok. Tell them why I lied about being all alone here.

Fancy: May I offer you gentlemen some coffee, hot chocolate?

Dan: Why did you shut that door, Miss Crane? What's going on in the bedroom?

Theresa: This is it.

Fancy: Nothing's going on in the bedroom. I shut the door because the room is a mess. My boyfriend and I have been giving the bed a lot of use, if you get my drift.

Officer: We'd like to see some I.D.

Fancy: Are you people cut off from the outside world? Everyone knows I'm Fancy Crane.

Officer: Prove it, ma'am.

Fancy: I didn't hear "please."

Dan: She sure sounds like a Crane.

Officer: Please, ma'am, may we see some I.D.?

Fancy: Well, since you put it so nicely --

Noah's voice: Why hasn't Fancy told them about Ethan yet?

Fancy: I trust you believe me now.

Officer: Yes, ma'am.

Dan: So, Miss Crane, what was that strange whooshing sound I heard when you opened the bedroom door?

Fancy: Oh. I keep a white noise machine wherever I am to help me sleep -- not that Noah and I have been getting much rest.

Noah: Mm-hmm.

Fancy: Mm-hmm. Why are you two looking at us like that? I'd hate to have to call my grandfather, Alistair Crane, and tell him my honesty is being questioned by two officers who are counting on receiving their pensions one day.

Officer: No, don't bother calling Mr. Crane.

Dan: Yeah, if you say that whooshing sound coming from the bedroom is a white noise machine, we believe you.

Fancy: Good.

Theresa: What is Fancy up to?

Tabitha: Honestly, Kay, I fail to see what all the fuss is about. You wanted to guarantee Fox a successful career, and thanks to the spell I cast, that is exactly what's happening. And you said he was able to salvage that deal that you almost torpedoed by stopping Valerie from reaching him during dinner and push-push. You knew the price that Fox would have to pay to be successful in business was to lose out on true love. So unless you've got some cheese to go with your whine, put a cork in it, dear.

Kay: Are you sure you can't undo the spell?

Tabitha: I've told you --

Endora: And more.

Tabitha: Of course not.

Endora: And more.

Tabitha: Once you make a pact with the boys of brimstone, that is it.

Endora: More, more!

Kay: I can't believe I did this.

Endora: More, more.

Tabitha: Frankly, dear, neither can I.

Spike: Oh, this is turning out better than I thought. Little miss lesbo is getting slammed by her own father.

T.C.: It's revolting enough that you're a lesbian, but to hit on a straight girl? Damn, she's a stranger at that.

Simone: Daddy, I didn't hit on her, I swear.

Girl: You lying perv.

Second girl: You picked up her bag, handed it to her, and then you copped a feel doing it.

Third girl: Yeah.

Simone: Liar! I didn't touch you that way.

Jessica: Simone would never do that.

Girl: That's rich coming from a cheap, trick-turning skank like you.

Simone: Hey, my friend doesn't do that anymore.

Girl: You get her to do you instead?

Simone: No, and shut up.

Girl: Not till you apologize for groping my friend.

Simone: I didn't grope her. Straight or gay, I am not into trash.

Girl: Hey, listen here, you freak!

Simone: No, you listen to me, you lying sleaze!

Eve: Hi, Simone. What's going on, honey?

T.C.: Well, your gay daughter here tried to hit on this young lady.

Simone: Mom, I didn't. You have to believe me.

Eve: Of course I believe you. I know you didn't.

T.C.: So why am I not surprised that my ex-whore of a wife would believe her deviant daughter?

Sheridan: Are you having fun, James?

Chris: At this rate, he's going to be Harmony's next star hockey player.

Sheridan: James!

Chris: Are you all right, son? Oh, I think we need to take a break. I know I can do with one.

Sheridan: Why don't we all go take a rest?

Chris: No, Sheridan, why don't you keep on skating? I'm sure James would love to watch you. So would I.

Sheridan: Ok. Oh.

Chris: Ok.

Kay: I wish Fox were here. We'd have fun skating together.

Tabitha: Oh, boo-hoo, woe is you. Buck up, Kay. Get on with your life. Some other young man will come along and take Fox's place.

Kay: No, I don't see that happening, Tabitha. I really love him. And Maria does, too.

Tabitha: Oh, yeah. She said so, did she?

Kay: I can tell. Where's Maria?

Tabitha: Oh, don't worry. I left her at home with a sitter I conjured up.

Kay: Who, Old Mother Hubbard?

Tabitha: Oh, no, not that old thief.

[Endora talks]

Tabitha: Last time that she babysat, she stole all the food in the house, including Fluffy's kibble. No, Maria is in the hands of a renowned child expert, the late Dr. Benjamin Spock.

Kay: Hmm. I'm impressed.

Tabitha: Yes, well, whatever. Leave me alone, dear. I have to concentrate now.

Kay: On what?

Tabitha: On Sheridan. It's time for me to do what the dark side pays me for.

Kay: I don't like the sound of that. Tabitha, what are you up to?

Tabitha: Well, Sheridan's been very reluctant to get involved with Chris because obviously she's not over losing Luis yet. But that's going to change once Sheridan takes the plunge.

Spike: Getting those girls to hassle Simone for nailing me with pepper spray is turning out better than I thought. Now with her homo-hating dad on her case, Simone's going to be too busy defending herself to worry about what happens with Jess.

Eve: How do you take the word of strangers over that of your own daughter's? If she says that she didn't touch this girl's breast inappropriately, then she didn't.

T.C.: Well, no daughter of mine should want to touch a woman's breast in the first place. It is sick and unnatural.

Liz: With Eve as a role model, it's no surprise.

Julian: Liz, I meant what I said earlier. You stay out of Eve's life.

T.C.: I used to think that I had the most perfect family in the world -- a loving wife, an angel who saves lives, two beautiful daughters, one a tennis star and the other a book-savvy young lady. But, hell, I was wrong. Come to find out my ex-wife is and was a slut. My daughter? Well, hell, my daughter -- she had a baby with her half brother. Now I have my little girl. She can't control her sexual urges to be with another woman. What the hell is next, huh? Hey, Liz, are you going to tell me that you -- that you're a man and your name used to be Lester?

Julian: T.C., Simone is still your daughter and you still love her. You must.

T.C.: Don't you patronize me, Julian. If Fox was trying to hit on some guy, you'd be singing a different tune.

Julian: T.C., I don't think that being gay is just about sex. It's about love. Like all of us, it's about trying to find love and trying to keep it.

Eve: You're absolutely right, Julian.

T.C.: Julian is a Crane. And if you think I'm going to stand around here and let you defend her sick lesbian ways, you got another think coming.

Girl: God, the old folks can talk forever! What I want from you is for you to apologize for going lesbo on me.

Simone: I didn't go "lesbo" on you. You rubbed up against me.

Girl: No way!

Second girl: Yeah, we're normal. We like men. We aren't freaks like you.

Simone: Well, you should be glad that you're into men because I can guarantee all of you that no woman would ever want you.

Eve: No, sweetheart, we don't need to stoop to their level.

Girl: What do you mean our level, bitch?

Simone: Don't talk to my mom that way!

Liz: Oh, my God.

Eve: Watch out, Simone.

T.C.: You touch my daughter, I will kill you.

Girl: Oh, not if I kill all of you first.

Theresa: Why hasn't Fancy told the police that Ethan and I are here?

Fancy: Since Noah and I have identified ourselves and answered all your questions, I am sure you gentlemen have other police business to attend to.

Noah: Yeah, be careful on those slick mountain roads, boys.

Officer: Wait. Not so fast. There's something that's still bothering me.

Fancy: Oh?

Officer: Our department usually gets a call from someone at Crane when a family member comes here, only we didn't receive a call this time. Why is that?

Fancy: I didn't think it was necessary to inform your department about my personal plans.

Officer: Well, I'm sorry, Miss Crane, but Mr. Crane will need to know that you bucked the system that he established with our department.

Fancy: No. I mean -- I don't want my grandfather to know I'm here with Noah. That's why I didn't alert the office to alert you.

Dan: Yeah, we knew something wasn't right.

Fancy: The truth is my grandfather doesn't approve of my seeing Noah, so we decided to keep our rendezvous private.

Dan: We understand, right?

Fancy: Good.

Officer: But your grandfather's going to still need to know that you're here.

Fancy: It's almost Christmas. Why don't I make a donation to your department, whatever you think is enough to forget about calling my grandfather.

Officer: Are you trying to bribe us, ma'am?

Fancy: Is it working?

Noah: Hey, just cut us a little slack, all right? All we want to do is be alone.

Dan: I don't think you are alone. Look, I know I heard something before. It was either coming from that bedroom or -- or that closet.

Theresa: Oh, God.

Fancy: No one is here but Noah and me.

Officer: Well, your boyfriend did say the place might have a rat.

Fancy: If there is a rat around here somewhere, I assure you I will get rid of it one way or another.

Dan: I say we check out the bedroom and that closet.

Officer: Yeah.

Fancy: If you insist on checking either the bedroom or the closet, to hell with it. I will call my grandfather to have you both arrested.

Theresa: What on earth is Fancy doing? ]

Theresa: Fancy couldn't wait to have Noah and me arrested for kidnapping Ethan. Now she's trying to protect us. Why?

Fancy: What are you waiting for? Noah and I said there's no one else here, so leave.

Dan: The chief will have our hides if we don't check out this place from top to bottom.

Fancy: My grandfather will have your jobs if you don't leave us alone. Now go.

Officer: Why do you object to us just checking out the bedroom or the closet?

Fancy: If there is some disgusting creature in the closet, I want it to stay there. With any luck, it will suffocate. And as for my bedroom, it's private.

Noah: And messy, very messy. There's -- you know, there's clothes strewn all over the place, and the bed is actually -- well, it's -- look, we've been very ambitious.

Fancy: Mm-hmm.

Noah: What are you doing? Look, it's not that I don't appreciate it because I really do, but two seconds ago you were ready to go trek through the snow to find Ethan some help. And now you're protecting both him and Theresa. Why? What's going on?

Spike: Gangsta versus gay girl action. Merry Christmas to me.

Jessica: Leave Simone alone!

Girl: I will teach you to mess with me, lezzie!

Simone: I didn't touch you!

Girl: Out of my way or we'll cut you, too.

Eve: T.C., watch out.

T.C.: I'm not afraid of this little girl.

Girl: Oh, yeah? Well, you ought to be.


Jessica: I'm calling the police!

Spike: Hey.

Jessica: Hey. Oh, Spike. Oh, thank God you're here. You have to help Simone. Some girls are trying to kill her!

Spike: Hey, that is not my fight, Jess. And besides, it looks like Simone will live to be a lesbian another day. Now, come on, let's go.

Jessica: No! I still have to call the police. Those girls committed a hate crime.

Spike: I said let's go.

Jessica: Oh, and I said no!

Girl: Come on. Let's split before the cops get here.

Second girl: I will see you again, lezzie.

Eve: Oh, Julian. Oh.

Simone: Thank you for protecting me, Daddy.

T.C.: Do not talk to me, Simone.

Chris: Look, son. Sheridan's waving. Sheridan skates with such beauty, such incredible beauty.

Kay: What are you up to?

Tabitha: You'll see.

Kay: Tabitha, you can't do that. Sheridan will fall through the ice. She could freeze to death or drown!

Tabitha: She could but she won't.

Kay: Why not?

Tabitha: Watch.

Chris: Sheridan!

[Sheridan screams]

Chris: Sheridan!

Sheridan: Someone help!

Sheridan: Help!

Chris: Will you watch James for me, please?

Kay: Sure.

James: Mommy, Mommy!

Tabitha: Oh, don't fret, James. Your mother's already dead.

Sheridan: Help!

Kay: Tabitha.

Tabitha: Oh, everyone's a critic.

Sheridan: Help! Help!

Chris: Sheridan! Wait for me.

Sheridan: Don't come any closer! You'll fall in!

Chris: Wait. Just look at me. Stay with me. I'm coming for you.

Tabitha: Sometimes I don't know my own strength. Ice, stop cracking before someone gets hurt.

Kay: So you aren't trying to kill Sheridan?

Tabitha: What gave you that silly idea?

Chris: Come on. Give me your hand.

Sheridan: I can't reach! Help! Aah! Help! Aah!

[Sheridan pants]

Sheridan: Oh, God. You saved my life.

Chris: It's going to be ok. It's going to be ok. You're ok now.

Tabitha: There. That should do it.

Kay: Do what?

Tabitha: I just set a little love spell in motion.

Kay: Love spell? Between Sheridan and Chris?

Tabitha: Well, Sheridan needs a hero and Chris is the obvious choice. Those two will be an item before long.

Kay: Ok, hold it, witch. You always told me that the dark side could not conjure love.

Tabitha: Yes, well, they can't per se. I just gave it a little boost.

Kay: But you gag on love and romance. Why would you want to cast a spell to bring Sheridan and Chris closer together?

Tabitha: Elementary, my dear Kay. Elementary.

Eve: Thank God it just grazed you, Julian. Just keep this handkerchief on there until it stops bleeding. Is everybody else ok?

T.C.: Besides protecting my gay daughter from street scum? Well, I'm fine.

Eve: I'm sure Simone is grateful, T.C. Aren't you, sweetheart?

T.C.: You all make me sick.

Simone: I didn't mean to touch that girl, Daddy, I swear.

T.C.: Yeah. But you're gay. You're a lesbian. And your mother's a slut. Hell, she chose her rich, white sugar daddy over me and your sister.

Simone: Daddy, please don't call Mom and me names.

T.C.: Well, your mother is a slut and you are a lesbian.

Julian: That's enough, T.C. A grown man like you acting like a schoolyard bully.

Eve: You should be ashamed of yourself, as ashamed as we are of you.

Jessica: Hey, give me your cell phone so I can call the police.

Spike: Whoa. You got to lose the attitude. Let's go.

Jessica: Not till I make sure Simone's ok.

Spike: No can do, babe. Look, you were real, real bad before, running off with Simone after she damn near blinded me with that pepper spray. That was not cool.

Jessica: Hey, I'm sorry if you were hurt, but she --

Spike: Look, I'll tell you what. I will forgive you if you come back with me now and get to work.

Jessica: No! I told you I hate turning tricks. It's creepy and disgusting, and it's really cold out.

Spike: You know what? You're upset. I get it. Ok, but this happens every single time, honey. You go back, run back home to your family and friends, they tell you things are going to be better, and they never are, and then you always run back to me.

Jessica: Look, I love you, Spike, but I don't want to turn tricks for you anymore.

Spike: Honey -- ok. Forget about all that, ok? I just hate to see you so upset because of me, honey.

Jessica: No, no, it's not you. It's just the whole situation.

Spike: Well, whatever. I mean, the point is you are upset. You know what? Hey. Look. Take this, honey. This will help you feel a lot better.

Noah: Why haven't you told those cops that Ethan and Theresa are here?

Fancy: Theresa's in the closet, isn't she?

Noah: Yeah, she's in the closet.

Fancy: Oh, you two certainly aren't making this easy for me.

Noah: What do you mean? What are you doing?

Fancy: Be quiet so I can think.

Noah: Will you please tell me where your head is about this whole Ethan-Theresa thing? And do it quick, all right? Those cops are suspicious. If they go into either the closet or the bedroom, Theresa and I are done for.

Fancy: I know.

Officer: Look, let's go already. We came here, we searched the place, found Miss Crane with her guy. End of story.

Dan: No, I don't think so. Those are two are really nervous. And why did that Noah guy lie about being here alone?

Officer: Miss Crane told you -- they're secret lovers.

Dan: Yeah. I think it's more than that. I think they're hiding something. But what?

T.C.: Wanting to be with women. You are an abomination, Simone.

Eve: What kind of man stands there and says such hateful things to his own flesh and blood?

T.C.: Because, Eve, she needs to hear the truth. This lifestyle that she has chosen is wrong. Men with men, women with women -- this is disgusting!

Eve: The only thing that's disgusting is your ignorance, T.C. Being gay is not a disease or a choice or a reason to be hated. And this prejudice that you have towards homosexuality is no different than the senseless hatred that fuels racial discrimination. Have you forgotten what black people have gone through, what they've endured -- slavery, segregation, lynching? What about all the times that you've been judged wrongly just because of your color? This is the same thing, T.C., for you to stand here and judge Simone and rebuke her and revile her because of one trait that she happened to be born with.

T.C.: You know what, Eve? She must get that from your side of the family, not mine.

Julian: How did you ever become an educator, teaching young minds to hate and bully, exclude anyone different?

T.C.: You know what, Julian? I don't need a lecture from you.

Julian: Yeah, what you need is to wake up and to remember that Simone is still your daughter. She's still kind and goodhearted and honest. She's any parent's dream.

T.C.: That is great coming from you, huh? You know, you have the morals of a junkyard dog. And, Eve, you have the same morals of an alley cat. That's why you two think this is so perfect that my little daughter is a lesbian. Well, I don't! I think it's sick. Just the sight of you, Simone, makes me sick. And your mother -- you make me sick.

Eve: Come here.

Liz: You know what, Julian? Don't bother getting me anything for Christmas. Just the sight of you getting cut by a gang member for protecting Eve's lesbian daughter's virtue -- oh, that's a gift in itself.

Julian: What are you still doing here, Liz? I told you to stay away from Eve and me.

Liz: Harmony is a small town. This is a public place. It's just pure luck that I was here to watch you and Eve reap more of the misery that you've sown. Merry Christmas, Julian.

Spike: Come on, baby, take it. You know you want to.

Jessica: I -- I want to help Simone.

Spike: Even though she hurt me?

Jessica: Yeah. Simone's my friend.

Spike: I'm the man that you love, the dude that's totally crazy about you. Honey, listen, Simone is bad news, Jess. I mean, you could have got cut back there with her. I mean, that's why I followed you here, to make sure that you weren't hurt. Hey, listen to me. I want to protect you, ok? But I can't do it if we're not together. So, look, will you take this and I'll take you back home, all right? Home to our place. Take it, baby.

Spike: That's my girl, honey. That's my girl, sweetie.

Sheridan: So cold.

Chris: Here, put this on, on your shoulders. It'll keep you warm until we get home.

Sheridan: You saved my life. How can I ever repay you?

Chris: Well, seeing that smiling face is more than enough.

Tabitha: Sheridan. What a scare you gave us all, dear. You'd be a human popsicle now if Chris hadn't rescued you.

Sheridan: I know. He risked his life just for me.

Tabitha: Real selfless nobility. He reminds us of Luis, doesn't he, Kay? You're very lucky to have a man like Chris in your life, Sheridan, very lucky indeed.

Sheridan: Yes. Yes, I am.

Tabitha: Well, run along, you two. Get something hot in her as soon as you can.

Chris: I will. Come on. Come on, James. Come on, boy.

Tabitha: Well, it seems like a love connection has been made.

Kay: Ok, I don't understand. How can helping people fall in love make you happy?

Tabitha: Are you in love with Fox?

Kay: Yes.

Tabitha: Are you happy?

Kay: Not at the moment.

Tabitha: There you have it. Being in love with Fox has caused you nothing but misery, pain, and upset, and the same fate will befall Chris and Sheridan eventually. They'll come to love each other and then they'll come to regret it.

Kay: Why?

Tabitha: Stay tuned. You'll see.

Theresa: I don't understand why Fancy hasn't turned me in, and Noah, for kidnapping Ethan. I mean, she was all set to hike down the mountain, pick up the phone, call Gwen and call the police. Now the police are here and she's trying to get them to leave. I don't know why she's doing this, but it's great.

Fancy: Chill already. If you look any more uptight, those cops will know we're hiding something.

Noah: We are hiding something, all right? Theresa's in the closet and our comatose half brother is hooked up to a noisy respirator in the bedroom.

Dan: I know I heard a weird noise coming from the bedroom.

Officer: I know, and Miss Crane said it was her white noise machine.

Dan: My ex had one of those. It never sounded like someone breathing.

Fancy: We'd better hope those cops are more afraid of the Cranes than they are curious about what's going on in here. Because if they're not, we don't stand a chance and neither does Ethan.

On the Next Passions:

Kay: Are you going to help me, or do the good people of Harmony get into the holiday spirit by burning you instead of a yule log?

Sheridan: For the first time in I don't even know how long, I feel alive again.

Fancy: You are still the reason Ethan is in a coma, and don't think I'll ever forget that!

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