Passions Transcript Wednesday 12/14/05 [an error occurred while processing this directive]

Passions Transcript Tuesday-- 12/13/05 Canada; Wednesday 12/14/05--USA
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Provided By Amanda
Proofread by Jodi

Tabitha: Oh, there now, Endora. You look lovely. You're the loveliest witch in the universe. Oh, you flatterer. Ooh, it's chilly this morning, isn't it?

[Endora babbles]

Tabitha: Yeah. And they say there's more snow on the way. I think we should go out and get your new winter coat. Huh? Money? You think we're going to buy your coat? Oh, Endora, a witch with your powers doesn't need any filthy lucre. No, we're just going to go out and about and observe what the well-dressed child is wearing this season, and then we shall come back and create a whole new ensemble. What now? Oh -- it clearly states in my contract with the dark side that today is my half-day off. Oh, really. Oh, no! That Jessica Bennett -- she -- she is really completely out of control. Oh, no, you can't see this, Endora. You can't witness such things. I swear, I do not want any child of mine to turn into such a willful little mortal. Come on, my little witchlet. We're going to find you a winter coat

Jessica: Oh --

Spike: Hey, baby!

Jessica: Oh! Spike. Please don't make me work. It's too early to pick up johns, and it's freezing out here.

Spike: Listen, babe, we'll get you a nice guy to warm you up. Now, look, we can't afford any more slack time. Between you running back to your daddy's house every two minutes and your whining about hooking, we're just about stone cold broke. I need you to help me out here.

Jessica: But I don't feel well, and -- well, it's almost Christmas.

Spike: Don't you want to make money to buy me a nice present? Hey, I was kidding, ok?

Jessica: What have I done to myself? I never should have left home.

Spike: Oh, man. Hey, look, come off it, ok? There's nothing there for you. All right? Your mom ran off and dumped you. Your daddy only cares about that witch Ivy. Honey, listen, he doesn't love you. I'm the only one that loves you, Jess. Now, you know that, right?

Theresa: It's morning, Ethan. Oh, gosh, it's a beautiful morning. It snowed again last night. You've got to wake up from this coma, Ethan. We've got to get out there and we've got to enjoy this beautiful day. Ok?

Noah: I love you, Fancy. I'm sorry I've been such an idiot.

Fancy: Shh. Don't spoil this, Noah. Just make love to me.

Jessica: No, this was a mistake. I never should've left home. I've always been at home for Christmas.

Spike: Hey, babe, what -- what about our first Christmas together, huh?

Jessica: What Christmas?

Spike: Listen, I have some plans. I have some plans that are going to make you very happy, ok? Now, look, you can't -- you can't go back to your daddy's house and that ice queen Ivy, all right? So come over it. They don't give a damn about you, anyway, huh?

Jessica: Simone.

Spike: Oh, great! Talk about p-town. It's the lesbo avenger again!

Simone: You shut up. Jessica, you look awful. Are you all right?

Spike: Look, why don't you mind your damn business. And you better get the hell out of here right now!

[Christmas carol plays]

Tabitha: Oh, Christmas carols -- ooh, the soundtrack of my nightmares.

Endora: I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming.

Tabitha: Now, listen, Endora, don't you start, please! Christmas is for these silly, mewling mortals. Look at them with their "Deck the Halls" and their "Fa-La-Las." I tell you, it is the season for all wise witches to stay home in bed and put their covers over their face. Listen, Endora, don't you -- don't you go anywhere. Don't run away. You might get lost. Or you might be kidnapped. Some of these mortals out there are far more evil than you or I will ever be. Hey -- oh, no, Endora. I know. I know you can look after yourself. Let's sit here.

Tabitha: Oh, no, Endora, don't tell me you want a Christmas tree. Oh, no. My very own daughter, infected with the disease of Christmas. Oh, well. At least today can't get any worse.

Sheridan: Gwen, you have to stay strong. The police will find Ethan and Theresa soon. They have to. Look, I'm praying for you. Everyone is. Don't give up hope. I'll be on my cell phone if you need me, ok? I'll call you later. I love you.

Chris: Don't worry, they'll find him. How difficult can it be to find an ambulance?

Sheridan: I don't know, but Gwen is beside herself. What on earth was Theresa thinking?

Chris: It'll be ok.

[Phone rings]

Chris: I'll get that. Hello? A what? Hang on a second. James, you'll never guess who's on the phone. It's a Christmas elf.

Sheridan: Oh, my goodness. With all the craziness about Ethan, I totally forgot. I made an appointment for James to get his picture taken with Santa at the Christmas fair between 9:00 and 10:00.

Chris: Well, it's just after 9:00 now. If you want to stay here and wait for news on Ethan, I can take him.

Sheridan: Oh, no, I want to be there, too. Gwen knows to call me on my cell.

Chris: Ok. Hello? Yes, thanks for the reminder. We're on our way. Ok, bye.

Sheridan: James, isn't this exciting? We're going to go see Santa Claus!

Theresa: You've got to see this. The snow has covered the path all the way down to the lake. I love the snow. Remember that time that we were here, and I slipped on the ice, and you tried to catch me. But instead you fell on top of me, and -- and we started kissing. You've got to come back to us, Ethan. You got to come out of this coma. You are meant to enjoy life. I know that it won't be with me, because I promised God that I would give you up if you come back. But at least you'll have the chance to fulfill your dreams. Unless Gwen finds us. Then she'll take you off of life-support. Ethan, you got to wake up. You got to wake up fast, before Fancy gets off this mountain and turns us all in.

Fancy: Is something burning?

Noah: Just the logs in the fireplace.

Fancy: No, no, I'm not kidding!

[Fancy gasps]

Fancy: Whoa! Noah!

Noah: Oh --

Fancy: Oh! Noah -- oh, Noah --

Noah: Hey, hey, hey, wake up, all right? I'm here. Hey, wake up.

Fancy: Oh, thank God you're ok! Thank God.

Fancy: We were making love and the blanket was burning, and I thought you were dying!

Noah: Oh, look, it's ok, all right? I'm all right. No burns. You were just having a nightmare.

Fancy: Get off me!

Noah: Ow! Ugh.

Simone: Ok, please, just take these, ok? And just -- Jess, don't do this to yourself! You should be -- it's Christmas. You should be home with your family, not -- not walking the streets.

Spike: Hey, girlfriend, unless you're going to buy her time, you better get the hell out of here. She's working. Got it?

Simone: Ok, come with me. I can get you breakfast and a hot cup of coffee. And if you can get past your anger, maybe we can talk.

Jessica: Wait. Is this a trick? Did my dad send you?

Simone: No. No. And I won't pressure you into going back home. Let's just go someplace warm.

Spike: Yeah, like that's going to happen. Let me tell you something -- Jess does what I tell her to, ok?

Jessica: Yeah, all right, let's go.

Spike: Whoa, what the -- what do you think you're doing? You got work to do.

Jessica: No, actually, I'm leaving.

Spike: Forget it!

Jessica: Ow! Stop it, Spike! You're hurting me! Spike!

Spike: You mouth off to me, and there's going to be consequences! Do you understand me? Huh?

Jessica: Oh, stop!

[Spike screams]

Simone: Stop whining!

Spike: My eyes! I'm blind! All right, you bitch! I'm going to kill you! I swear I'm going to kill you!

Simone: And I will be waiting, ok?

[Spike yells]

Simone: There's more pepper spray where that came from! Come on, Jessica, let's go.

Spike: I'm going to kill you! I'm going to kill the both of you!

Tabitha: Endora, will you stop with the magic in front of the mortals? You should know better. Listen, my little demonette, Christmas is for the human race, not for us. I tell you, until my Timmy came along, all I ever did with Christmas was eat Chinese food and go to the movies. What am I going to do with you?

Sheridan: Hello, Tabitha. Sweetheart, you remember James from Thanksgiving.

Tabitha: Oh, yes, how nice to see all of you here.

Chris: Are you doing some Christmas shopping? Ho-ho-ho?

Tabitha: Well, no, actually, we're not. We're on our way downtown to look for a new coat for Endora. And she won't get one unless she's a good girl, will she? Hmm?

Sheridan: Oh, I'm sure she's a good girl. You don't want coal in your stocking, do you?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho, there you go.

Tabitha: Oh, Endora, come back here! Endora!

Man: Hey, lady, there's a line here.

Tabitha: My apologies. I really don't know what got into my daughter.

Man: How'd she do that?

Tabitha: Do what?

Man: That broad jump into Santa's lap. She must have leaped 15 feet.

Tabitha: It's a bit early to be hitting the Christmas cheer, don't you think? Come along, Endora. Let's go.

Santa: Bye-bye, now. And I'll come see you on Christmas Eve when you're asleep.

Tabitha: Ah, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Our kitty cat thinks reindeer are delicious. You can't, Endora. Oh, rats! Here comes your Aunt Sheridan.

Sheridan: Tabitha, you're not leaving, are you? Why don't you join us? We're going to explore the entire Christmas fair.

Tabitha: No! I mean, I -- no, no, I'm sorry. We can't. We really have to get downtown and -- and look for Endora's new coat.

Chris: Where did you get that hat?

Sheridan: It's adorable.

Tabitha: Well, keep it. There's plenty more where that came from. Come along, Endora.

Simone: Are you sure you don't want to go to the Book Caf? It's indoors. It's warm.

Jessica: No, I'll -- I'll be fine. I used to come here every year with my mom. Hey, Spike won't forget what you did. You know, spraying him with that pepper spray?

Simone: Did you see him scream like a little girl? But he totally deserved it. He is a sleaze-ball criminal and a world-class jerk.

Jessica: Yeah, you're right. He is a jerk.

Simone: Well, then leave him. If you don't want to go home, then come to my house. Or I'm sure Pilar will take you in.

Jessica: Simone, please.

Simone: Ok. I won't push. Ok, look, I am sorry that I didn't tell you I was a lesbian. And whatever you think of me, you've got to understand that I'm not after you that way. You and Kay I've known for my entire life, and I'm your friend whether you like it or not, and I'm worried about you.

Jessica: Well, don't be.

Simone: Come on, Jess, everybody who loves you is worried about you -- Kay, Noah, your dad. And you can hate me if you want to, but I got to try to make you give up this craziness, this -- drugs, the prostitution, the weird cuts you make on yourself. Not to mention the dead guys. Last year you wanted to be on the pep squad and try out for "Teen Jeopardy." Maybe I'm the wrong person to make you see sense, but somebody's got to do it. Go home, Jess, where it's safe and it's warm, and where people love you.

Jessica: I'll -- I'll be fine. Someday.

Simone: Don't say I didn't try. Look, if you want me to leave, I will.

Jessica: No, no, no. Please, just stay and talk with me.

Fancy: I can't believe you. You and Theresa are no better than criminals.

Noah: Look, I have an idea. Why don't we get back to that dream of yours where we were making love.

Fancy: Oh, the part I want to remember is you up in flames. That's what you deserve. Don't you know how awful this is? When you and Theresa kidnapped Ethan, everyone down in Harmony went berserk. My God, Gwen was already grieving, but you two made it worse. She was almost out of her mind with worry. And so was my mother and your father and Sheridan, and even Rebecca. Kidnapping Ethan was cruel and sick.

Noah: I am sorry that you and everybody else are upset. However, I did what I thought was right. I helped save a life. All right? My half brother's life.

Fancy: Well, he's my half brother, too. And you're not saving his life, you're only delaying the inevitable. He can't come out of that coma. Dr. Russell says so. His own living will says that he wants Gwen to let him go. How dare you take that right away from her.

Noah: I am sorry that I upset you, but --

Fancy: I also can't believe what you did to us. You broke my heart, Noah. I thought I knew you. What happened to our promise to be totally honest with one another? You've lied and lied. You had me on the phone forever when you were driving that ambulance, and you didn't say a word. And I can't believe you slashed my tire to keep me from going to get help.

Noah: Look, I didn't, all right? I don't know how that happened.

Fancy: Well, Theresa said she didn't do it. Who's left? I don't think Ethan's up to it. Ooh, maybe we were victims of the tire slasher of the mountains.

Noah: Fancy, I do not know how that happened, but it wasn't me, all right?

Fancy: Fine. Theresa must have done it. Slashing things or stabbing things is right up her alley. The bitch is capable of anything. You know what? I've had enough. It's time to call the authorities.

Noah: Whoa, whoa, please don't. Could we just --

Fancy: The phone's still out. My cell must be charged by now. Oh, what now? Who the hell unplugged my charger?

Noah: I don't know. It wasn't me, all right?

Fancy: Oh, like I believe a single word you say anymore! God.

Theresa: He's telling the truth, Fancy. I unplugged it.

Fancy: Surprise, surprise. You're an idiot if you think a dead cell phone will keep me from getting help. You know, it's broad daylight now. I can change my tire and drive down this mountain to get help, and get my morning latte. Oh, yeah, and that's another thing. I can't believe you two master criminals didn't think to buy coffee.

Noah: Great. Fancy, look, you can't go driving around in the snow until the streets are plowed, all right? It's just too dangerous.

Fancy: Watch me. Nothing is going to stop me.

Theresa: Noah, stop her, please.

Fancy: Oh, just try it.

Theresa: Please, you've got to stop her. She's going to ruin everything. Come on, you can't let her get away! I mean -- and after everything that we've done to try and save Ethan. And if Gwen gets Ethan back, she's going to kill him!

Noah: Ok, look, Theresa, I love her, all right? I can't physically hold her hostage.

Theresa: Well, I can!

Noah: No, wait, wait, wait! Come here, come here, all right? Stop. Look, besides, I'll bet you a million bucks she doesn't even know how to change a tire. But if she is determined enough, she will find a way to get off this mountain, no matter what we do.

Theresa: If you can't stop her, I will.

Noah: No, Theresa -- oh, she's such a pain in the --

Fancy: Damn! What happened to my spare?

Noah: All right, what now?

Fancy: Oh, you two are despicable. You slashed my spare tire, too?

Noah: Hey, it wasn't me, all right?

Theresa: It wasn't me, either.

Fancy: Oh, right. If it wasn't you two, then who else?

Jessica: Hey, I am really sorry I freaked out when I found out you were gay. It was stupid. I don't disapprove. It was just such a shock on top of everything else that's happened.

Simone: So you don't hate me?

Jessica: Hate you? No, of course not. I'm the one who needs to apologize. I'm sorry. I want us to be friends again.

Simone: Good. I'm so glad. I need all the friends I can get. So do you.

Jessica: Yeah. Hey, your dad was really angry that day. It was scary. Are things any better between you two?

Simone: No, and maybe they never will be.

Jessica: I'm sorry.

Simone: Me, too. Hey, has anything else happened with you? You know, I mean --

Jessica: You mean, have I killed any more johns lately?

Simone: Shh.

Jessica: No, thank God. You know, I still don't know how any of that happened.

Simone: Well, it might have something to do with all the drugs that Spike shoved down your throat. Ok, anyway, forget all that. It's -- it's in the past.

Jessica: Yeah, I hope so.

Girl: Jessica?

Jessica: Oh. Hi, Lauren.

Lauren: Hey, I haven't seen you in months. Have you been away at college? Hey, Simone.

Simone: Hey, Lauren.

Girl: Lauren! You don't want to talk to them.

Lauren: Why not? A hooker?

Girl: Look at her makeup. And Simone's a lesbian.

Simone: Ooh, that's right! You guys better watch out. You don't want to catch any of my lesbo cooties. And anyway, at least she gets paid for it, Molly Taylor. You gave it up to the whole football team senior year.

Girl: We are so out of here!

Jessica: Hey, I don't think that was very smart.

Simone: But it sure felt good. Hey, it's ok.

Jessica: No, it's not. It'll never be ok. I can't believe everybody knows about me.

Simone: Honey, you were arrested. It was in the newspaper. Don't worry about what people think of you. The only person whose opinion you should care about is -- is your own.

Jessica: Except for the fact that I feel just like they do. I want to run away from me, too.

Tabitha: What were you thinking, Endora? You can't perform magical gymnastics in front of the whole town. Instead of lighting up the town Christmas tree, they'll be lighting us up, instead -- burning us at the stake!

Man: Ok, gather around, everybody. I'm about to announce the winner of the skate shop Christmas raffle.

[Crowd cheers]

Boy: Hey, Mom, can Santa bring me a pair of those skates for Christmas?

Woman: I don't think so, sweetheart. Maybe next year, hmm?

Girl: Mr. Crane laid Daddy off. Santa's not coming at all this year.

Boy: He has to, Mom. If we had one pair, we could share them.

Man: Now, one lucky little boy or girl is about to win a pair of our new top-of-the-line ice demons!

[Crowd cheers]

Man: Drum roll, please! And the winner of not one, not two, but three pairs of ice demons, the best skates that money can buy, is Woody Brown!

Boy: Hey, Mom, that's me!

Woman: But we didn't even buy a raffle ticket.

Woody: Now Alice and Michael can have skates, too. Can I keep them, Mom? Can I?

Woman: Yes, yes, we can keep them.

Man: Uh -- well, congratulations, Woody. And merry Christmas to you all. But we were only supposed to raffle off one pair. How is this -- how did this happen?

Tabitha: I think I know.

Santa: Ho-ho-ho! And who do we have here?

Chris: This is James. Say hello to Santa, James.

James: Hi, Santa.

Santa: And what do you want for Christmas?

James: Mommy.

Santa: Oh.

Sheridan: Of course I'll be your mommy this Christmas.

Chris: I'm sorry he called you mommy. He's young and confused.

Sheridan: You don't have to be sorry. It's the nicest present I could get. We are going to have the merriest Christmas of all time.

Santa: On Christmas Eve, listen for my reindeer's bells.

Elf: Everybody smile and say Christmas cheese!

All: Christmas cheese.

Lauren: Oh, my God. Look at them making out in public. I can't believe I used to be friends with a whore and a lesbian.

Molly: What do you expect from girls who come from families like that? I mean, Jessica's mom is a slut who ran off with some man and deserted her family. And her sister had a bastard baby.

Jessica: My mom is not a slut.

Simone: Let them finish.

Molly: Oh, good, because you're next. Let's talk about how Simone's mother left her precious daddy for Julian Crane. They had an affair for years. Actually, she had a bastard baby, too, who grew up and got Simone's sister, Whitney, pregnant.

Girl: The nun with the incest baby. I'll bet she's got some sins to confess.

Molly: Like mother, like daughter. Both of them.

Simone: Like mother, like daughter? Well, Molly, everybody knows that you're a slut. But did you know that your mother is doing both the tennis pro at the country club, and the guy who rents the carts?

Jessica: Oh, and, Lauren, it's common knowledge that your mother snuck into the locker room at the health club and threw herself at her aerobics instructor. Until his boyfriend came in and threw her out. The whole town got a good laugh out of that one.

Simone: And, Sidney, your mother is --

Sidney: I don't want to know!

Jessica: Oh, my gosh! You're right. That does feel good.

Simone: Well, people who live in glass houses --

Spike: That Simone bitch is going to pay for what she did to me. You, too, Jessica. Hey, ladies. Here for a little Christmas fun, huh?

Girl: Girls, look. It's the Spike man.

Second girl: Go away, Spike. We found an honest dealer. Good drugs, low prices. You should try it sometime.

Spike: That's hilarious. Anyway, listen, I'm not selling today ok? I'm buying. How would you ladies like to do me a little favor?

Girl: Like what?

Noah: Fancy, look, we didn't slash your tires, all right? I swear.

Fancy: Oh, right. Who else could it have been? The abominable snowman?

Theresa: I'm just going to make sure Ethan's ok.

Noah: There's something here that I don't understand. I mean, my tires are slashed and your tires are slashed.

Fancy: Isn't it obvious? Theresa did it.

Noah: No, this is kind of creepy. I wonder if somebody else is out there.

Fancy: Oh, no. There's aliens among us.

[Fancy laughs]

Fancy: Hello! Hello, somebody, we're being attacked by aliens! Funny, no answer. Maybe someone tried to rescue us, and the aliens ate them. I'm not sticking around here to find out. I'm walking down to the main road to hitch a ride.

Noah: Fancy, stop. Look, you can't walk all the way down there. It's miles, all right? What happens if you trip and hurt yourself? You'll freeze to death.

Fancy: At least I'd have died trying to do something right. I will not leave my half brother hostage to you two clowns in a deserted cabin with no medical help. It's cruel. I'm going to go say my goodbye to Ethan, and then I'm out of here. Don't even think of trying to stop me.

Theresa: Look, Ethan's respirator kind of got a little noisy all of a sudden.

Noah: It's all right. It's just in its self-cleaning mode. It's fine.


Theresa: Oh, my God, Noah, it's the police. How did they get up here?

Noah: With four-wheel drive and chains.

Theresa: No, no, no, someone -- someone must have seen the lights and they reported us!

Noah: All right, it's time to face the music. God, my dad's going to hate me being arrested three times in one year.

Theresa: No, no, no, look, you are not going to be arrested, ok? I'm going to be the one that's arrested! You lost Fancy because of me.

Noah: Shh.

Theresa: There's no way I'm going to let you get arrested for kidnapping!

Noah: It's all right, Theresa, all right? I'm a big boy.

Theresa: No. No, we're going to figure this out.

[Knock on door]

Theresa: Oh, God.

Noah: You know, I got a better idea. Hide.

Theresa: What?

Noah: Go hide. And, seriously, don't argue with me.

Theresa: All right.

Noah: In the closet.

Theresa: Ok.

Noah: Shh, shh. Quiet.

Noah: Morning, officers. To what do I owe the pleasure?

Officer: Who are you, pal?

Second officer: Let's see some I.D.

Noah: Uh -- I.D.? Is this how you treat all the residents up here?

Officer: This is the Crane cabin. When it's getting used, we're always notified in advance.

Noah: Oh, yeah. No, I'm a friend of the Cranes. I'm up here doing some ice fishing.

Officer: A little early, isn't it? The lake's barely frozen over.

Noah: Did someone see me up here and report me?

Officer: No. We're looking for a suspect, Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald, and the comatose man that she kidnapped, Ethan Winthrop.

Noah: Oh, yeah, yeah, I heard about that on the radio.

Officer: Have you seen anyone? Apparently, she or her accomplice was driving an ambulance.

Noah: An ambulance? No, I'm sure if an ambulance drove up to my doorstep, I'd notice. I am all alone here.

Officer: All right, if you say so. Well, if you notice anything odd, call us.

Noah: Definitely. Have a good day, gentlemen.

Officer: What was that?

Second officer: What was that noise?

Sheridan: I will always treasure this photo. Thank you so much.

Chris: Not to worry. I ordered four more of those and some wallet-sized, as well.

Sheridan: Our first visit to see Santa. Don't you just love Christmas?

Chris: Yeah, I do. Should we all go and get some hot chocolate? Come on, come on.

Tabitha: Come along, Endora. We've got to get out of this Christmas horror show before the whole town knows our secret. Yes, yes, I see James. Yes, and doesn't Sheridan look happy with her new gentleman caller? Maybe I speak too soon. Endora, come with Mommy.

Endora: Mommy!

Tabitha: I'll show you what real witches do to celebrate this sickening holiday. They blow it all up! Come on.

Jessica: Hey, I can't believe we told off that brat pack.

Simone: Please, their mothers are just as bad as ours. They had no right to talk.

Jessica: Hey, thank you so much for sticking up for me and my mom.

Simone: Yeah, you did all right for yourself. Besides, nobody has a right to trash my mom but me.

Jessica: Hey, that's right.

Spike: So you ladies know what to do, right?

Girl: It's not a problem.

Spike: Get going.

Girl: Come on, girls, let's go.

Spike: Merry Christmas, ladies. Santa's got a nice present coming to you.

[Respirator works loudly]

Fancy: Ethan, I'm sorry we haven't been close these past few years like we used to be.

[Respirator quiets]

Fancy: Oh, there, that's better. I looked up to you so much when I was a little girl. You are and always have been the best of the Cranes. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be with your wife and your parents so you can die peacefully and with dignity. And I promise you I'll make that happen. Goodbye, Ethan. I'm going to miss you so much.

Officer: What was that noise?

Noah: Noise? What noise?

Officer: Coming from over there.

Noah: That noise? It was a rat.

Officer: In the Crane cabin? No, they keep this place in tiptop shape.

Noah: You know, it might have been a squirrel. You know, squirrels are just rats with fluffy tails.

Officer: Mm-hmm.

Noah: I heard one on the roof last night.

Officer: What do you think, Dan?

Dan: Well, I guess it's all right. Come on, let's roll. Hey, look. There's another car behind those bushes.

Officer: If you're up here all alone, how come there are two cars there?

Noah: That was here when I got here.

Dan: Uh-huh. Hands in the air now, pal!

On the Next Passions:

T.C.: Well, your mother is a slut, and you are a lesbian.

Eve: You should be ashamed of yourself, as ashamed as we are of you.

Fancy: If you insist on checking either the bedroom or the closet, I will call my grandfather to have you both arrested.

[Sheridan screams]

Chris: Sheridan!

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