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Woman: Happy Thanksgiving. This is one holiday you'll never forget, Alistair.
Alistair: And these are all of the portraits of your Crane ancestors. Now, I want you, every Thanksgiving, to pick up this book, open it up, and look at all of your ancestors. Then you'll know exactly who to thank for your good fortune, hmm?
Little Ethan: Who's that?
Alistair: Oh, that is your great-great-great-grandfather. Now, he stole all the land from most of the families here in Harmony, including the Bennett's and the Russell's.
Little Ethan: Mommy says stealing is bad.
Alistair: Well, she doesn't know. That's why. But you're my son now, little Ethan. But you're my son now, little Ethan. You're a Crane, which means you take what you want when you want it. Ok?
Alistair: Well --
Theresa: How dare you teach my son that kind of filth. He will never be your evil clone.
Mrs. Wallace: Wow, that's some turkey you got there, Einstein.
Mrs. Wallace: Yeah. Make sure you save a bite for Miss Manners, ok? Ooh, I'm sorry. Ooh, I am very sorry. No, no, I'm very, very sorry. I certainly did not mean to bump into you. Please, please, do not hurt a crippled old lady who is far, far from home, por favor.
Norma: Hurt you? Why would I hurt you?
Mrs. Wallace: Well, you tried to strangle me to death last night.
Norma: That was just to stop your snoring, sunshine!
Mrs. Wallace: Ah.
Norma: We're roommates, partners in crime. I want us to be the bestest of friends. Oh. Ooh. We have a common enemy.
Mrs. Wallace: Uh-huh?
Norma: The reason we're both here. Tabitha Lenox.
Fox: You know, I got to tell you. I'm so glad we were able to work together to pull this thing off. This is going to be one great Thanksgiv--
Tabitha and Kay: Shh!
Kay: Remember, you cannot say that word. Tabitha does not want Endora to know about that day.
Tabitha: Yes. National turkey extermination day. Next time you chow down on the big bird, remember all those little orphan turkeys running around wondering where all their mommies and daddies are.
Fox: Sorry. I forgot.
Fox: This is weird. How the hell am I supposed to keep all of our guests from saying "Happy Thanks--"
Kay and Tabitha: Shh.
Fox: Sorry! All right.
Fox: Ah. Our first guest. Thank God.
Ivy: Hello, darling --
Fox: How are you?
Ivy: Happy Thanks--
Fox: No, no, no! Uh-uh!
Sam: What -- what are you doing?
Fox: Right -- uh -- look, this is a little bizarre, and I didn't foresee this, for sure, but here's the deal, ok? Tabitha -- she doesn't want Endora to know that it's Thanksgiving. So instead, we're just going to say "happy you-know-what." Sound good?
Katherine: I brought these to help Tabitha decorate her house for you-know-what.
Fox: Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sure she'll love it.
Katherine: Fox, I don't understand. Why can't I say --
Fox: Ok, no -- I'll just explain later, ok?
Fox: For now, I'll just take your coats. That'd be great.
Kay: How are we going to keep them from saying what day it is?
Tabitha: Oh, I don't know, but Endora mustn't find out.
Gwen: Happy Thanksgiving, sweetheart. Aren't those flowers beautiful? I hope you can hear me.
Gwen: Do you even think he can hear me?
Rebecca: Oh, honey, I don't know. But you say whatever you want, as long as it makes you feel better. And look on the bright side. At least we're finally going to have a decent meal in this hospital. I mean, this Thanksgiving dinner from the Seascape looks yummy.
Gwen: I love you. And you will never know how much.
Rebecca: You got that right. Oh, honey, it looks like they forgot the vegetables.
Gwen: I can't believe this is our last Thanksgiving together -- our last holiday together -- before I have to tell them to let you go.
Pilar: No, este no es posible, Paloma. You were deliberately involved with smuggling drugs?
Martin: This scum forced you into it.
Paloma: Don't call him that. And no, I went into this with my eyes wide open.
Pilar: Por que, entonces? Did you do it for the money?
Paloma: Exactly, this is all about money.
Martin: What's happened to you, Paloma?
Paloma: Papi, please don't judge me before we take you somewhere and show you something.
Pilar: Now? It's Thanksgiving, Paloma.
Roberto: It's the perfect time.
Paloma: See, Ma, once we get there, you'll understand why we smuggled drugs.
Tabitha: Welcome, welcome, one and all, to this perfectly normal, everyday family dinner party. Fox told you about my little request, right?
Chris: I don't understand why we can't say "Thanks--"
Tabitha: Shh! It may seem unusual to you, but please, just do not say that word. Oh, Christopher and James, I do believe this is your first visit to my humble little abode, huh?
Chris: Yes. Say hello to Mrs. Lenox.
Tabitha: Hmm? I hope you enjoy yourself, young man. But I do have one very important rule -- you mustn't go into the basement. It's very dangerous down there. Dozens of little boys have gone down there, and they've never come back. Mm-hmm. Well, off you go, all of you. Have a good time.
Fox: Uh --
Tabitha: Thank you.
Kay: Oh, the door. I'll get the door.
Chad: Hey. What's going on?
Kay: Come in. Hi, buddy! How are you doing?
Tabitha: Oh, come in, come in.
Valerie: Hello, Ms. Lenox, Happy Thanks--
Tabitha: Happy, happy, happy. Call me Tabitha. It's a lovely day for a perfect normal, typical dinner, isn't it?
Chad: Yeah, we -- we got you this. It's supposed to go well with your tur--
Tabitha: Termites? Oh -- I haven't eaten termites in years. Lovely. Thank you so much.
Chad: Kay --
Kay: Yeah, just talk to Fox. He'll explain everything.
Kay: How are you?
Tabitha: Whitney? Who invited you?
Whitney: Um -- Fox. I certainly hope it's ok.
Kay: Yeah, it's ok. Welcome.
Tabitha: Well, let me take your coat, dear. And your hat.
Whitney: Oh, I -- I'm actually supposed to wear that at all times.
Tabitha: Oh, well, what they don't know won't hurt you, right? Come on, you go in here and talk to Fox and find out our new house rule.
Kay: You don't have to be so rude.
Tabitha: Rude? Try terrified. Religion isn't exactly very popular with the boys in the basement. What do you think they're going to do when they find out I'm entertaining a nun? Oh --
Sheridan: Oh, no. It's another earthquake!
Tabitha: Oh -- stay calm. Stay calm, everyone. It's just a teeny-weeny aftershock. They go on for months. This Thanksgiving isn't getting off to a very good start, is it?
Kay: Don't worry. As long as Endora doesn't know what day it is, how bad could it be?
Theresa: I'm off to see Ethan.
Alistair: Good luck with that. I'm sure that Gwen's security forces won't let you anywhere near your broken meat puppet.
Alistair: Ah. Gentlemen. Ah. I have great -- little Ethan -- now, one day, his portrait is going to be in this book. He's going to make us all very, very proud.
Alistair: Hello? Is someone there? Answer me. Who's there?
Alistair: Is someone there? Answer me! Oh, it's you.
Woman: Happy Thanksgiving, boss.
Alistair: You startled me. I hope you did a lot of stretching today, because I have some very big plans for our holiday.
Woman: What's wrong?
Alistair: Oh, nothing. No, nothing -- nothing at all. Just a minute. Just --
Mrs. Wallace: Hey, Normie, do you really think they're going to give us a good dinner? You know, turkey and all the trimmings?
Norma: Oh, I hope so. The last place I stayed in served liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Mrs. Wallace: Yeah, um -- you know, Norma, I'm very, very, very glad that you are not mad at me, because, you know, you really made me nervous last Christmas.
Norma: Not to spoil the surprise, but this year, Tabitha's going to give me a very special present!
Mrs. Wallace: Oh? What?
Norma: Her -- head! Ooh!
Mrs. Wallace: Ah. Ok. Well, I have no idea what you're going to do with that, you know, once you get it. But ok, I'm -- I'm down with that. You know, it's too bad, though, that, you know, you really can't kill her, because we're still locked up in here.
Norma: Oh, stick with me, Edna, sweetie. I'll bust us out of this joint before you know it!
Mrs. Wallace: Really?
Mrs. Wallace: Wowza! Oh, God. Then we're going to be able to hit the road. Two independent women on the lam, living by our wits. Think of it -- Thelma and Louise, Edna, Norma.
Norma: Norma, Edna.
Mrs. Wallace: Yeah.
Norma: First stop, Harmony. Tabitha will pay for everything she's done to us!
Tabitha: Oh, will you calm down? I didn't invite the damn nun! Shh, shh. You'll blow my cover if you incinerate her now. And don't worry, she'll be gone right after dinner.
Valerie: Tabitha --
Valerie: Are you all right?
Tabitha: Oh -- oh, yes, dear, I'm -- I'm just trying to coax my old furnace through the winter -- another winter. It's very temperamental.
Ivy: This must be really hard on you, Sheridan. Your first --
Ivy: Thanksgiving without Luis.
Sheridan: Yeah, it is. Last year, Luis, Marty, and Beth were all here. I don't know how I'd get through the day if it wasn't for James -- and for Chris.
Sam: I'm glad for you, then.
Chad: Look at the two of you. Now, that's how it should be -- a mother with her child. And I'm glad you lost that veil.
Whitney: Hmm. It wasn't really my idea.
Chad: Yeah, well, you look 1,000 times better.
Chad: Look, Whitney, why don't you -- why don't you forget all this stuff? Leave the convent and come back to us?
Whitney: Chad, let's not do this, ok? Not today.
Chad: Ok. But only for tonight.
Kay: Hi. You know, I was thinking that after you marry my dad, you're going to be my stepmom. And hopefully one day soon, you'll be my mother-in-law, too.
Kay: Thank you for coming.
Ivy: Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Valerie: You two looked awfully chummy. Our deal is still on, isn't it?
Ivy: Of course our deal is still on. You help me get Kay out of Fox's life, and you can have a clear shot to him yourself. Theresa literally destroyed one of my sons. I'm not about to let the wrong woman destroy the other.
Theresa's voice: I knew I could get us in here to wish Ethan a Happy Thanksgiving without anyone finding out.
Rebecca: Well, it's a little late for trick-or-treating, isn't it, Theresa?
Theresa: Let me through, please.
Gwen: You think I'm going to let the woman who killed my husband anywhere near him?
Pilar: Paloma, I don't understand, mija. Why are we in a retirement home?
Martin: Yeah, I mean, what does this place have to do with smuggling drugs?
Roberto: You'll see.
Woman: Oh, my angels! Oh. Oh, Paloma, my sweet child. And you, too, Roberto. Oh, thank you both from the bottom of my heart. You've saved my life.
Kay: So far, so good. Endora doesn't seem to realize what day it is.
Tabitha: No, but we have other problems. The boys in the basement aren't exactly brimming with Thanksgiving cheer.
Kay: Oh, no. Endora knows.
Sam: Ahem. Where'd that come from?
Whitney: Wait, that wasn't there before.
Kay: Who wants mashed potatoes?
Fox: Hey, where'd that come from?
Tabitha: Oh --
Kay: Oh --
Tabitha: Endora must have put it there.
Kay: Dig in, everybody.
Fox: Oh, wait -- no, before we dig in -- Whitney, maybe you want to say grace?
Whitney: Yes, Fox, I'd love to.
Tabitha: Oh, double rats! The boys downstairs aren't going to like that.
Whitney: Heavenly father, we are here today to thank you for all of your blessings.
Ivy: What's happening now?
Tabitha: Oh -- it's just another little aftershock. Isn't it exciting?
Kay: Yeah, it happens all the time. Tabitha's house is on a fault line. It'll pass.
Sam: Well, I never feel them at home.
Whitney: Um -- without your love and protection, none of us would be here today. Um -- thank you, Father God, for this food that comes from your hands. Bless these children --
Sheridan: Shouldn't we get in the doorway?
Tabitha: Don't worry. We'll all be fine.
Tabitha's voice: I hope.
Kay: How can we stop this?
Tabitha: Get that long-winded nun to stop flapping her gums! Oh, could this be any worse?
Whitney: And our fellow Americans from the south who still suffer from the effects of Hurricane Katrina.
Whitney: Bless all peoples in all lands and give them the gift --
Tabitha: Lenox residence.
Norma: Happy Thanksgiving, Tabby.
Norma: That's right. Guess who else is here.
Mrs. Wallace: Enjoy your turkey, turkey.
[Imitates a turkey]
Norma: My new pal. Get ready for company, witch. You won't live to see another holiday.
Theresa: Gwen, please don't do this. Not now, please.
Rebecca: Gwen, you just clear up this mess. I'll be right back.
Theresa: No, don't you touch my son!
Rebecca: I am trying to take your son out of this area so he doesn't have to see his very common mother being dragged out of here like a common criminal. Little Ethan?
Little Ethan: Mommy?
Theresa: Go with her, sweetheart, and I promise you, I'll be right there. Right there.
Rebecca: Come on.
Gwen: You know what to do. You've had enough practice. Thank you.
Guard: Yes, ma'am.
Theresa: No, this isn't over. Gwen, I will find a way to stop you from killing Ethan. I will find a way to stop you!
Gwen: Theresa, you have no idea how much I hope you find a way.
Woman: You're insatiable.
Alistair: Hmm, hmm.
Woman: Give me a few minutes.
Alistair: Ok. In the meantime, why don't you make us a couple of drinks? Ah.
Woman: Whose is this?
Alistair: Hmm? Isn't that yours? Where'd you find this?
Woman: Right here on the bar.
Whitney: Then the rest of us, and bless those that need --
Katherine: Whitney, I think we really should wait until Tabitha gets back.
Whitney: Oh. Of course.
Tabitha: What? You're both in the nut house? Good. I'm glad to hear it. I shall call them and tell them to beef up security.
Mrs. Wallace: Yeah, but which nut house, tootsie? We could be anywhere in the country. Boy, wait till we get out. It's going to be two wild and crazy gals on the lam!
Norma: Who are you calling crazy?
Mrs. Wallace: Ooh.
Norma: We'll be long gone before you track us down. Any moment now, you'll look up and there we'll be -- the four musketeers.
Norma: Well, there's me --
Mrs. Wallace: And me.
Norma: And my daddy.
[As father] Yeah, you tell 'em, Norma! That witch is gonna get what's coming to her!
Tabitha: That's three. Who's the fourth?
Norma: [Normal voice] My trusty ax. Oh, he has such a cutting sense of humor. You're going to laugh your head off.
Tabitha: Oh, just some friends who might drop in later. Well, come on, everyone. Dig in.
Whitney: But I haven't finished saying grace.
Tabitha: Oh, well, you've said plenty, dear, and your words are very powerful. Come on, everybody. Eat up.
Tabitha: The piņata's a nice touch, Endora. Very funny. What is it with you and turkeys? Huh?
Fox: Ooh. Where'd that come from? I thought turkeys were forbidden. I got it.
Tabitha: Surprise, surprise. I ordered it from the caterers. I didn't think we'd be able to keep Thanksgiving from Endora and I didn't want anyone to be disappointed.
Valerie: Oh, well, that's sweet.
Tabitha: Sam, would you do the honors, please?
Valerie: Well, everything's delicious. Fox, did you cook any of this?
Fox: Um, yeah, a bit.
Kay: "A bit"? Oh, wait till you try his pumpkin pies.
Sam: Aha. This one's for Sheridan.
Sheridan: Thank you. Oh, hey, I got the wishbone.
Sheridan: Here. Make a wish and pull. You got the bigger part -- you won. What'd you wish for?
Chris: My wish has already come true, Sheridan. You're sitting right next to me.
Kay: I feel like disaster will strike any minute.
Katherine: What's that sound?
Ivy: I heard it, too. What --
Maggie: Mrs. Winthrop? Here's the paperwork you've been waiting for.
Gwen: Oh, God.
Maggie: It's the -- the release forms to authorize us to carry out the terms of Mr. Winthrop's living will. You'll need to sign them. It's never easy. Just take your time. I'll be right down the hall if you need anything.
Gwen: Thank you. Ethan, do you know what these are? Honey, when I sign these papers, I am signing your death warrant.
Woman: Oh, yeah.
Second woman: Oh, our two guardian angels. I'm so glad to see you're out of jail.
Paloma: Oh, you -- you heard?
Woman: Oh, I'm sorry. Try not to worry. With any luck, the lawyers will have the charges against you dismissed.
Roberto: Por el favor de dios.
Martin: Can someone please tell me what's going on?
Woman: You are --
Martin: Paloma's father.
Woman: Oh. Hello. I'm Mrs. Croft, the administrator here. You must be very proud of your daughter, risking so much to smuggle prescription drugs across the border.
Pilar: Prescription drugs?
Mrs. Croft: Your daughter and her friend Roberto have been smuggling some of those drugs into the country for our residents. They have literally changed their lives. In some cases, they've saved lives. Do you know how many old people have to choose between food and medicine in this country? It's obscene.
Martin: So, our Paloma --
Mrs. Croft: Is a godsend. Oh.
Fox: Oh, yeah.
Kay: It's delicious, Fox.
Fox: Yeah, thank you. I slaved away.
Ivy: Fox, I didn't know you could do this.
Fox: Yeah, I --
Ivy: I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you.
Fox: Pilar taught me.
Valerie: Did she?
Chris: Mmm. That's good, huh?
Sheridan: That's good, huh?
Fox: Excuse me. Yeah?
Theresa: Fox, it's Theresa.
Fox: Hey, what are you doing? We already started eating.
Theresa: I'm out in the backyard, actually, with my son.
Fox: What are you doing in the backyard? Get in here. There's a lot of good food.
Theresa: I can't really right now. Um -- I -- Gwen had me thrown out of the hospital again. I was just wondering if you could just ask Whitney to come outside. Please?
Fox: Yeah -- uh --
Fox: She's kind of busy. Can I help?
Theresa: No, don't bother. It's good.
Fox: I'll be right there.
Sheridan: Yes, mother?
Katherine: I'm really glad that you have a new friend in this Chris.
Sheridan: Thank you, but don't read too much into it just yet. But it does help. Just think -- last year, Luis was sitting right here at this table.
Katherine: I want you to be grateful for your years with Luis, but, darling, move on. Luis wants you to be happy.
Sheridan: Paloma said that. So did Luis.
Sheridan: Never mind. You're right -- I'll try. I'll really try.
Kay: Are you going to have another one of those things?
Tabitha: Might as well before the sky falls in.
Kay: Don't say that, ok? Who knows -- maybe after they're finished eating, we can get them out of here before anything happens.
Tabitha: I'll drink to that.
Tabitha: Kay, don't most piņatas just hang there waiting for some greedy child to come and hit it with a big stick?
Tabitha: Well, ours just started flapping its wings!
Kay: Ok. Hmm, you're cut off, that's it. No more martimmys for you.
Valerie: Did that turkey just --
Chad: Huh. Now, that's very funny. There's probably a tape recorder in there or something.
Tabitha: Great groaning goblins. Oh, Endora, what did you do now?
Ivy: It's alive!
Chris: Oh. Let's get under the table.
Kay: Tabitha, what are we going to do?
Orderly: What are you two up to? You know, you're late for paint by numbers.
Mrs. Wallace: Oh, oh, I'm so sorry. I was just asking Norma, you know, where the ladies' room was, you know. You can give a girl an escort, can't you, because I think it's time for an oil change.
Norma: Oh. When the cold wind blows, I smell Christmas in the air, Daddy! It's time for me to fly away on my magic sleigh and bring death and destruction to the world.
[As father] Ooh, I'm so proud of you, my little buttercup!
Norma: [Normal voice] Oh. Oh, you'll be even prouder when I kill Tabitha Lenox. She's going to be one dead witch -- ho, ho, ho!
Woman: Mr. Crane? What is it?
Alistair: No, it can't -- no, no, no, no -- nothing. Nothing, I --
Woman: I've never seen you like this.
Alistair: It's ok.
Alistair: Do you smell that?
Alistair: It's perfume. I -- I smell perfume.
Woman: I can't smell any perfume. Are you sure you're ok?
Alistair: No, you just leave me alone -- leave me alone. Leave me alone. Now, you get out of here. You get out. You're fired!
Alistair: Yes, you're fired! Are you deaf? You're fired. Out! Out!
Woman: Of course. Ok, Mr. Crane.
Alistair: This can't be. This cannot be. It cannot be! It cannot be!
Alistair: This is impossible. Impossible!
Chris: This is insanity.
Sheridan: No, this is Harmony.
Whitney: Oh, Chad! Chad, we have to get Miles out of here!
Kay: You think this is funny?
Tabitha: There goes Chad and Whitney.
Kay: Are you proud of yourself, young lady? You have totally ruined Thanksgiving.
Sam: Come on.
Theresa: Gwen won't give Ethan the chance to recover. She won't give him the chance to come back to her.
Fox: Well, back to you, you mean.
Theresa: What's wrong with that? I mean, Ethan loves me, Fox.
Fox: Theresa, it's really sad what's going on with Ethan, really. Everybody's sad about it, but you know, Gwen is his wife. She has the final say in what happens to him.
Theresa: Well, it should be me. I should be the one deciding. Ethan loves me and I love him.
Fox: Yeah. Hmm. Gwen might say different.
Theresa: What if she -- what if she does it? What if she lets him die? I mean, what am I supposed to do then?
Fox: Come here.
Gwen: Ethan, I love you. Honey, I love you so much. This is so hard for me. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this! This is supposed to be a day of Thanksgiving, but what do I have to be thankful for?
On the Next Passions:
Alistair: Gwen has already signed all the papers to execute Ethan's living will. As far as I know, he's already dead.
Ivy: My son is dead.
Fancy: We're doomed, Noah. This is never going to work.
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