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Spike: C'mon, you don't want to keep the customer waiting.
Jessica: No, Spike, not after what happened at the last motel.
Spike: Oh, would you come off it? It's like riding a horse. You got to get back in the saddle and ride. But, baby, don't kill this one, ok? 405. Come on. Come on. Smile.
Man: Wow. What do we got here? Eh, you're hot, babe.
Spike: What did I tell you? Her name is Jessica, and she loves to get down.
Tabitha: Oh! Oh! Oh, I don't believe this! I thought you lot believed in love, not war!
Statue: Think again, witch. You're on God's frontline now. You'd know that if you read your Bible.
Tabitha: Oh, I'd rather do my taxes. Ooh!
Tabitha: Oh, Endora, Endora, help me! No one can see us like this! Oh, there'll be hell to pay -- literally, literally!
Noah: After everything you've heard since you got back into town, how could possibly stick up for your grandfather now?
Fancy: Someone's got to stick up for him. The whole town is against him, including his own wife. You know she's trying to kill him?
Noah: Good, I'll put the bullets in Theresa's gun.
Alistair: You're going to learn something, Chris -- that no one strikes me without retribution.
Chris: Lay another hand on her and I'll hit you again.
Sam: Hey, hey, that's enough. This is a funeral.
Fancy: Grandfather? What happened? Are you all right?
Alistair: Oh, yeah, honey, I'm fine, I'm fine. Thanks for your concern. Ok.
Rebecca: You know, I think I underestimated Sheridan. Bringing hunk number two to hunk number one's funeral? She doesn't let any grass grow under her feet.
Ivy: Don't you ever think about anything other than sex?
Rebecca: Yeah. Sometimes I think about money.
Father Lonigan: This is a house of God. There is no place for violence here.
Paloma: He's right. It's Luis' funeral. It's no time for fighting.
Sheridan: I'm sorry, Father Lonigan.
Martin: God knows you can't go anywhere without causing trouble.
Alistair: Did I throw the first punch?
Martin: Yes, you slapped Sheridan, you bastard.
Pilar: Martin, por favor, we're in church. All of you, just stop it. This is -- this was supposed to be my son's funeral, a day to honor his memory, not to argue, not to give way to violence. My son died because of violence.
Ethan: Pilar, everyone heard the video. I mean, this man is guilty of the violence.
Pilar: Ethan, please, please, just stop it.
Father Lonigan: Pilar, I think this service is at an end. We can say our goodbyes to Luis at the private burial.
Pilar: Yes, all right, Father.
Martin: Thank you, Father.
Pilar: I -- um -- I would like all of you to come back to the house for lunch. Except for you, of course. Perhaps we can share some happy memories of my son Luis.
Alistair: That should be a very short lunch.
Sam: Hey, hey, Pilar's right, all right? Let's all go home. Let's go.
Gwen: Ok, you are not going to believe what I just heard.
Rebecca: Oh, good, some dirt. What is it?
Gwen: Theresa is planning on killing Alistair. I need to go warn him.
Rebecca: No, no, no, no, no! Don't you dare!
Alistair: Where do you think you're going, Theresa?
Theresa: To my mother's house to honor my brother.
Alistair: Well, that's a very dreary way to spend an afternoon. No, you're going to come home with me.
Theresa: It's my brother's funeral, Alistair.
Alistair: Yes, I know, but funerals always get my juices flowing. When you come home, I got a nice surprise waiting for you.
Theresa: Fine. I'll go home with you. I'll even sleep with you. But it will be the last time you abuse me.
Man: You're prime, babe, grade A.
Spike: Whoa, whoa, whoa. No touching till we finish our business, buddy.
Man: I'll pay you when I'm done.
Spike: Uh-uh. No touching, I said.
Jessica: You know, actually, I don't feel very well. I don't want to get you sick.
Man: I'll risk it. Maybe we'll end up in bed together for days.
Spike: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's the cash? Jessica's no good at collections.
Man: Here's what we agreed to, plus a little extra -- in case I get creative.
Spike: Whoa. Ok, you two kids have a wonderful time. I'm out of here.
Jessica: Wait, Spike. No, don't make me sleep with him. He's disgusting.
Spike: Honey, baby, listen, just think of me, ok, sugar? That should turn you on.
Jessica: Spike, no, please.
Spike: Unless you want me to tell your old man that you killed those other guys, I'd get busy.
Jessica: You wouldn't.
Spike: I don't know. Would I? Have fun.
Tabitha: Endora, Endora, do you hear the bells? The service is over! We can't be caught like this!
Pilar: Madre de dios.
Fox: Tabitha, my god.
Kay: Tabitha, what happened?
Fox: Come on, here we go.
Noah: Are you all right?
Tabitha: Oh. Oh.
Noah: You look like a bulldozer hit you.
Tabitha: Oh, yes, I -- I tripped.
Fox: Tripped? You look like you got attacked.
Pilar: There is a rough spot right here.
Tabitha: Oh, yes, yes, that must have been it. Oh, I don't know. Oh, I can't trust my feet these days. Oh, you young people, you don't know what it's like growing old. It's hell. Every day your body gives you another nasty surprise.
Noah: Like the day she found out she was pregnant.
Tabitha: Oh, Pilar, Pilar, I'm so sorry that I missed poor Luis' service.
Pilar: No, that's all right. You came, and that's all that matters.
Pilar: Are you going to come back to the house with us? We're all going to share memories of Luis.
Tabitha: Oh, no, thank you, dear.
Pilar: We're serving lunch, Tabitha.
Tabitha: Oh. Oh, yes, well -- yeah, I'll be there.
Tabitha: Thank you, Endora, for saving Mommy from that nasty statue -- though I must say you took your sweet time about it. Now, let's get out of here and get me cleaned up. Come on.
Pilar: Theresa, you're coming back to the house, right?
Alistair: Absolutely not. She has conjugal duties to perform.
Theresa: I'm sorry, Mama.
Pilar: You're despicable.
Alistair: Shall we?
Theresa: Yes, we shall.
Gwen: What are you talking about? We cannot let Theresa murder Alistair. We need to warn him and call the authorities.
Rebecca: Uh-uh, honey, no way.
Gwen: Ok, do you have any idea of what's going to happen if Theresa murders Alistair, huh? Hello? She is going to be his widow. She's going to be in charge of the whole Crane empire, have billions of dollars at her disposal. She will get Jane and Ethan back before you know it.
Rebecca: Honey, if you can't keep up, you're going to have to take some notes here. Look, I have it on the very best authority that if Alistair dies before little Ethan comes of age, then Julian is going to run the company as regent.
Gwen: And that's better? Julian hates you.
Rebecca: Honey, is that any way to talk about your dear stepdaddy? Look, as far as Julian is concerned, I can be very persuasive. He will take very good care of us. I guarantee it.
Gwen: We're still going to be stuck with Theresa.
Rebecca: Not if we can prove that she's a cold-blooded killer.
Man: Man, that Spike was right. You're worth every penny. Oh, no. I paid for the extra-long session. We're not done. You got to give me a few minutes to get ready.
Fancy: Iced coffee, please, with a dash of skim milk.
Clerk: You got it.
Woman: Fancy? Fancy Crane!
Fancy: Kaitlyn Bailey. What are you doing in Harmony?
Kaitlyn: Oh, the new summerhouse, it's a disaster. I'm up here fighting with the contractor. But it's Kaitlyn van Arlen now. Look!
Fancy: Oh, I knew that. I'm sorry I missed the wedding. I was in Buenos Aires visiting Patsy Buenavista.
Kaitlyn: How are you? I haven't seen you since you were kicked out of Miss Porter's.
Fancy: Oh, I'm all right.
Kaitlyn: You don't look all right.
Fancy: Don't mind me. I was just at a funeral.
Kaitlyn: Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry. Anyone I know?
Fancy: No, a local.
Kaitlyn: Oh, an old servant? Oh, that's the worst. They're the ones you really get to know. What have you been doing?
Fancy: Oh, this and that, a lot of traveling. I've seen a lot of old school friends.
Kaitlyn: Don't give me that, Fancy. I meant who's the man in your life?
Fancy: There's isn't one.
Kaitlyn: You expect me to believe that? You've had a line of men panting after you since you were 13. You've never been alone as far as I know.
Fancy: There's a first time for everything.
Kaitlyn: Oh, surely you have some hunk on a string.
Fancy: I thought there was one, but that's all over now.
Eve: We've lost a good friend and this town has lost one of its finest men.
Rebecca: And Harmony's finest pecs, abs, and butt.
Gwen: Oh, Mother, be quiet.
Rebecca: What? Ah!
Tabitha: Oh, sorry, sorry. Pardon me. Have to feed the child. She gets cranky when she's hungry.
Simone: Pilar, I'm so sorry that I missed the funeral. I just had some things that I had to attend to.
Pilar: That's ok, sweetie, you're here now. Simone, there's plenty to eat. Help yourself, sweetheart, ok?
Simone: Ok, thank you.
Eve: Sweetie, you're finally here. You missed the whole service.
Simone: I'm sorry, I had some business that I had to attend to. Where's Paloma? Ow.
Eve: Whoa, what's the matter?
Simone: Nothing, ok?
Eve: Don't tell me nothing. What happened to you?
Simone: I just bruised it running into a doorknob.
Eve: Uh-huh, a doorknob. Julian, would you mind getting me something to drink?
Eve: Simone, you're in too much pain to have run into a doorknob.
Simone: Well, that's what happened.
Eve: Noah told me that you were with Jessica the night that man was killed at the Willard Motel. So that kind of makes you Jessica's alibi.
Simone: Yeah, so?
Eve: Well, I was just curious. I mean, you and Kay always used to be best friends. When you were growing up, you used to torture Jessica. You never let her play with you.
Simone: Mom, we're adults now. I can be friends with Jessica if I want to, and God knows she needs one.
Eve: Yes, that's true. It's just --
Simone: You know, gosh. I get it. I tell you that I'm gay and now you think I'm hitting on every girl in town.
Eve: Simone, honey, that is not what I meant at all.
Julian: You two -- uh -- you two all right?
Tabitha: How are you two doing?
Fox: We're good.
Kay: We're on cloud nine.
Tabitha: Hmm. Well, I think you should tone it down a bit. This is a funeral after all.
Kay: Right. But we're good. We're incredibly happy. It's almost like magic.
Tabitha: Yeah. Well, enjoy it while you can, Kay. It's a very potent spell I cast on Fox. You won't have that love very long.
Pilar: A house filled with people and noise, keeping busy, it's what keeps me sane right now.
Sam: Pilar, whatever you need, all you have to do is ask.
Pilar: Thank you, Sam. No one can give me what I need right now.
Ivy: Oh, Pilar.
Pilar: Thank you.
Ivy: I didn't see Sheridan here. Is she not coming?
Pilar: No, she said she couldn't be around a big crowd right now, that she needed to be alone.
Sheridan: I can't believe Father showed up at Luis' funeral. And with Fancy, after everything that I told her about him.
Chris: I'm sorry I punched him. But when he slapped you, I just saw red. I couldn't control myself.
Sheridan: Father seems to have that effect on people. Almost everyone in that church has wanted him dead at one time or another.
Chris: Maybe, but I shouldn't have lost control at a funeral.
Sheridan: Chris, you've made things far worse for yourself. You've got to take James and get out of town as soon as you can.
Alistair: Oh. Oh. Oh! Theresa, why don't you run along upstairs and get out of that dreary outfit you're wearing and put on that nice white lace, virginal teddy I bought you? Now, there's a little surprise by the side of the bed. I can give you a hint.
[Imitates whip crack]
Theresa: You're a pig.
Alistair: You know, if you're very, very good, I'll let you use it on me. Now, go upstairs and get undressed.
Theresa: I'd like a drink first. Would you care for one?
Alistair: You've got to be kidding. After you drugged me and tried to smother me to death? No, I think I'll handle getting my own drinks from now on.
Theresa: Hmm, what a pity. You're no use to me until you're dead.
Rebecca: My God, have you seen Tabitha eat? The woman must have a tapeworm.
Gwen: Mother, what are you doing here? You don't even like Pilar or her family.
Rebecca: Well, Theresa isn't going to try to kill Alistair if she thinks there's witnesses, so I thought I'd leave the mansion for a while. Besides, I have never been to a Mexican funeral. Do you think they have mariachi and black piņatas?
Gwen: Mother, please, not now. Besides, do you really think it's a good idea to keep her plan to kill Alistair a secret?
Rebecca: Honey, listen to me -- all we have to do is give Theresa enough rope to hang Alistair and then herself -- with a little help from us.
Kay: I'm so glad you decided to come to the funeral after all.
Fox: Yeah, no, I had every intention of coming. I just had a couple loose ends to tie up with the Singapore project, you know? Think I like being separated from you?
Tabitha: Look at those two young lovers carrying on. Disgraceful. Just you wait. It's all going to be over soon.
Ivy: Sam, please eat something. I haven't seen you eat a decent meal in weeks.
Sam: No, look, I'm not hungry, especially today.
Ivy: I know you lost your best friend.
Sam: And now Jessica's gone, too. You know, how could she have chosen to go back to the streets and be with Spike? I mean, you'd think if she saw him, she'd run for her life.
Ivy: Well, don't give up hope, Sam. Jessica is just like a lot of young girls, you know? She's changeable like the wind. One minute she's out on the street selling herself and taking drugs, and the next minute she's back in your house begging your forgiveness.
Sam: And the next she's back on the street.
Ivy: Don't let it break your heart. It will end. She's going to wake up and realize she took the wrong path and she's going to ask for your help and mean it.
Sam: What if she never wakes up?
Jessica: I'm so wasted. Daddy? Oh, God. I don't even remember his name.
Simone: It looks like he's been stabbed. Jess, do you remember stabbing him?
Jessica: No. But obviously I did! What's wrong with me? Oh, I'm stupid, stupid, stupid. I could've stopped this a long time ago. Ok. Ok. Father Lonigan always says if you're sincerely penitent, God always grants you forgiveness. First step? I've got to stand up to Spike. And -- and go home to Daddy. He'll help me. He loves me. He'll help me get straight. Hey, you, I've got to go --
Jessica: Oh, my God! I did it again. Ok. Ok. What's -- what's wrong with me? I did it again. I did it again.
Julian: Were you two having an argument?
Eve: No, Julian, nothing like that.
Julian: You're sure?
Eve: I'm sure. I'm fine, and so is Simone, aren't you, dear?
Simone: Excuse me. Hello?
Jessica: Simone, it's me. It happened again.
Jessica: I killed again. Oh, he's dead. He's so dead. And I woke up next to a john. There's blood everywhere. There's a knife. I -- I must've stabbed him. I don't remember what happened.
Simone: Oh, my God, where are you?
Jessica: I don't know. Um -- the Ocean Starlight Hotel, room 405.
Simone: Ok, don't move. I'll be right there -- and don't touch anything. I'm sorry, please make my apologies, I have to go.
Eve: No, what was that all about, Simone?
Simone: Just do it. I have to go see a friend.
Eve: Julian, she's lying.
Julian: Yes, I could tell.
Eve: Something is wrong. Something is very, very wrong.
Kaitlyn: Oh, don't tell me -- you've fallen in love. Good for you. What's he like?
Fancy: What difference does it make? It's all over now.
Kaitlyn: Oh, please, enough with the voice of doom. Tell me about him.
Fancy: Well, he's gorgeous. And he's warm and funny -- and gorgeous. And smart and brave and --
Kaitlyn: Then what are you doing here drinking coffee with me? Go out there and grab him.
Fancy: We can't be together anymore. We're too different.
Kaitlyn: Well, different is good.
Fancy: Not this different. And he really hates my family.
Kaitlyn: I thought you said he was smart.
Kaitlyn: You're a Crane, for God's sake. Who wouldn't want to marry into that clan?
Noah: Yeah, hello? Greg? How's it going, man? It's good to hear your voice. Yeah, what have you been up to? No. Me? Well, you know, hanging out. Nothing much. Just trying to get by one day at a time.
Alistair: My wife --
Theresa: No, get away from me.
Alistair: Whatever, Theresa. But I do like your spirit, you know? Not too many people on this earth who would try to murder me and then admit it to me face to face. I like that passion you have against me. I want to see it in our bed tonight.
Theresa: Oh, passion. When I act up a storm and pretend like I like it?
Alistair: I really don't care. It's all about my pleasure. That's what you get paid for, Theresa. Now, go upstairs and put that teddy on.
Theresa: All right. But I'm starving. So -- I didn't have breakfast this morning. You made me miss my mother's luncheon.
Alistair: Tsk, tsk. All right, why don't you just call the chef? He'll whip something up for you. Actually, I have a better idea. In honor of your brother, let's have some very spicy mexican food.
Theresa: Yes, this is Mrs. Crane. Could you please send up two chicken burritos and some chips and salsa, please? And some spicy guacamole. Yeah, just the way Alistair likes it.
Simone: Oh, God. Jessica -- ok, what have you done?
Jessica: I don't know. I -- it's just like last time. I -- I don't remember anything. What's wrong with me, Simone? Oh, no.
Gwen: Shouldn't we call the police or something? I mean, Theresa could be killing Alistair as we speak.
Rebecca: Hmm. I'll drink to that.
Gwen: Mother, it is a human being we're talking about here.
Rebecca: Are you sure? We're talking about Alistair. Look, and after he is dead and gone, I'm telling you, the Crane vaults will just fly open. Think of all that dreamy money. Look, and all you have to do is go to the police and tell them what you overheard, and then Theresa will spend the rest of her life in jail -- or better yet, in the death chamber. And this time it is going to work, if I have to give her that lethal injection myself. I mean, it's perfectly simple.
Ethan: What's perfectly simple?
Rebecca: Oh, my. Uh -- look at the time. Got to run.
Tabitha: Oh. What's Dr. Eve looking so serious about? Maybe Simone rushed off to happy hour in Provincetown. I hope that girl knows what she's getting into. I knew sappho and her grisly girl guides about 2,000 years ago. Not a barrel of laughs, let me tell you.
Julian: What's -- what's wrong with Simone?
Eve: I don't know, Julian. She's being very evasive lately. But whoever called her on the telephone, they frightened her, I could tell. She's just taken on so much in her life. I hope and pray that she knows what she's doing.
Sam: What? Yeah, well, thanks for calling. Listen, keep me informed, all right? You're my only link to this investigation. Yeah.
Ivy: Who was that?
Sam: That was a cop I know. There's been another murder.
Kaitlyn: Where did you meet this guy?
Fancy: Hmm. Vegas.
Kaitlyn: Oh, wouldn't you know. Is he some high-rolling gambler?
Fancy: I wish. That's another problem -- he doesn't have any money, and he's not very interested in getting more.
Kaitlyn: Well, then why waste your time?
Fancy: He's so much fun. And he is so good in bed.
Kaitlyn: Sweetie, we're not talking about lovers. We're talking about husband material. If the guy doesn't have the money to keep you in style, move on. Dickie's not exactly Antonio Banderas, but he's got nine figures in his trust fund.
Fancy: Money's an even bigger problem than you think. The other night, my grandfather cut me and my entire family off.
Kaitlyn: That's terrible. You poor child. Well, that's that then. You've got to sink your hooks into some guy with money. How else can you survive?
Fancy: Well, Grandfather gave me a job at Crane Industries.
Kaitlyn: Oh, my God. You've got to work? How humiliating.
Fancy: Well, lots of people do it.
Kaitlyn: Not one girl I know. Fancy, you had the same education I did, and what do we know? Nothing. We were raised to be decorative, buy clothes, pamper ourselves, and produce an heir or two to carry on the family name. Look at you. That's what you were born for. You can't let our side down.
Noah: Look, up until now, man, I would've said no dice, but -- but you're right, you know, I'd love to see the old gang again. Yeah.
Theresa: Oh, Doris, hi. Thank you so much.
Doris: Shall I set it up for you, ma'am?
Theresa: Oh, no, I've got it. Thank you.
Doris: Ok. Mm-hmm.
Alistair: Is that our luncheon?
Theresa: Yes, it is!
Alistair: Good, I could eat a bear.
Theresa: Well, great. Are you coming?
Alistair: One more minute!
Rebecca: Ay, chihuahua. Theresa's poisoned the guacamole. Hmm. I'm so glad it's not on my diet. Because in this house, it's not only fattening, it's lethal.
Alistair: Ah, let's eat. Oh, everything smells good.
Theresa: Yes, it is. Here you go. Here's your beer.
Alistair: Thank you.
Theresa: You're welcome. Let's enjoy.
Sheridan: Listen to me, Chris, you can't beat my father. No one can. And it wouldn't bother him one bit to hurt or kill you or James if it meant that you were a threat to him. That's why you've got to go.
Chris: I can't leave you at a time like this.
Sheridan: And I don't want to be alone. But I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything happened to you or James. So please, for James' sake, you've got to leave now.
Chris: All right. If it means that much to you, we'll go.
Kaitlyn: You've got to look after yourself and marry a guy with at least a couple of hundred million. Then you're set.
Fancy: But there's more to life than money, isn't there?
Kaitlyn: Please. Life doesn't begin until after you get the money.
Fancy: Um -- Kaitlyn, I'll call you. There's someone here I have to see. I am not as shallow as Kaitlyn. No way. I can stand on my own two feet. I can be the kind of woman Noah would be proud of.
Noah: Are you kidding? No, there's no one in Harmony I'm interested in. Yeah. No. No, man, all the girls here are big, fat zeros. Yeah.
Tabitha: Oh. Watch and learn, Endora. Watch and learn. We have to do so little to make these mortals shriek in pain. They do it all themselves, and it's so entertaining.
Kay: Hey, I'm sorry I pushed you to come today --
Fox: What time is it?
Kay: But I'm glad you did.
Fox: I got to go, I got to go.
Fox: I'm sorry, I just got this great idea for a follow-up on the Singapore deal, so I got to go. Time's money, you know?
Tabitha: I'm not one to say "I told you so" --
Kay: Ok, leave me alone.
Tabitha: This is the way this spell works, Kay. No matter how close you seem to get to Fox, work will always pull him away.
Ethan: So what was your mother going on about? What's perfectly simple?
Gwen: Honey, it's absolutely nothing you'd be interested in. She just wants to redecorate the mansion after she moves out some old garbage. I can't wait.
Alistair: Oh, darling, my love, why don't you drink this beer, as well? One never knows what's in it.
Theresa: Suit yourself.
Alistair: Good. I'll stick to solid foods.
Alistair: Mmm. Mm-hmm.
Rebecca: Oh. "Yes, your honor. I saw her murder him with my very own eyes." Hmm. Caught you red-handed, Theresa. Adios.
Jessica: Hi, Daddy.
Sam: You're back.
Jessica: Yeah, I decided to come home.
Sam: That's great. But why the sudden change of heart?
Jessica: Oh. I get it. You don't want me here.
Sam: Honey, of course I do. What time did you get here?
Jessica: Hours ago. I went right to sleep. I just woke up.
Chris: I'll miss you more than you know.
Sheridan: I hate to see you go, but it's better this way. At least you'll be safe in the witness-protection program, even from my father.
Chris: If it was just me, I'd never leave your side, but I've got James to think about. Where'd he go?
Sheridan: I don't know. I didn't see him move.
Chris: James? James?
Sheridan and Chris: James!
On the Next Passions:
Theresa: Are you saying that if I hadn't done all those things that we would be together?
Sheridan: Help Eve to save James, please, please.
Eve: It's a website for parents of gay and lesbian children.
Eve: It's Simone.
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