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Fox: Ok. Five minutes, five minutes.
Kay: That's what you said five minutes ago.
Fox: Ok. Look, Kay, you know that my grandfather has me competing with Chad on the Singapore project, right, to see who stays and who goes? Ok, so unless you want me to lose, you know, you've really got to leave me alone for a little bit so that I can finish my work, ok?
Kay: Look, your Aunt Sheridan is about to bury the love of her life. You have to be there for her, Fox.
Fox: I will be there for her as soon as I'm done here. If you want, you go ahead, all right? I've got a lot of work to do.
Chad: Damn. Looks like Fox is working through Luis' funeral. You know, maybe I should stay here and get some work done.
Valerie: No, Chad. It would be bad form for you to be a no-show at the funeral. You're expected to be there as a member of Sheridan's family. Let Fox take the heat for showing poor judgment while you add a feather to your cap.
Tabitha: Oh, yes, Endora. Many a mortal is going to use poor judgment today. Funerals are like weddings in that way. Something disastrous always seems to happen. And Luis' final farewell is bound to be especially explosive. And today will be no exception, my love. If we as much as set one foot inside St. Margaret Mary's, who knows what saint or seraphim will come after us? But don't worry. As long as we stay outside the church, we'll be safe from any heavenly attack. Ok?
Eve: I still just can't believe that Luis is really gone.
Julian: I so wish I would have -- I would have acted differently when he and my sister first fell in love, but I was still my father's flunky then, and I treated my poor sister so miserably.
Eve: Luis knew that you were a changed man, and he knew that you had become a good and loving brother to Sheridan.
Julian: I hope so. I hope -- I hope he knew how in awe I was of -- of the depth of his love for my sister.
Eve: Well, if he didn't then, he does now.
Gwen: I feel so bad for Sheridan. I don't know how she's going to get over losing the love of her life.
Ethan: It's going to be hell, which is why we're all going to be around her to support her.
Rebecca: Well, why don't you guys go help Sheridan. I myself am going to mourn Luis. The loss of that hunk is a loss for women everywhere. Well, with the possible exception of Provincetown.
Rebecca: What? What --
Ethan: Eve, I need to talk to you in private.
Ethan: It's about the pills that you gave Theresa to drug Alistair.
Sam: I still can't believe Luis is dead.
Ivy: Oh, Sam, I know what a blow this must be to you, especially when you had such high hopes for Jessica, and she's dashed them all by going back to Spike.
Sam: Jessica. God.
Noah: Look, can we not talk about Jessica now, please?
Sam: Let's go pay our respects to Luis.
Martin: Pilar, what is it?
Pilar: I don't know if I can do this. God, we've lost Antonio, we've lost Miguel. He's somewhere looking for Charity. And now our Theresa is lost to Alistair. Why didn't God take me instead of my son? Why?
Ethan: There's Sheridan and Katherine.
Gwen: And Chris and James.
Ethan: I thought Chris and his son left Harmony.
Gwen: I guess they came back for the funeral.
Rebecca: Katherine's outfit is to die for. Oh -- no pun intended.
Gwen: I'm just really glad Sheridan has so many people to lean on.
Sheridan: Oh, God. I thought I was prepared for this, but --
Chris: It's going to be ok, Sheridan. James and I are here for you.
Katherine: I can't imagine how painful this is for you, darling. But for your sake, I think you do need to say goodbye to Luis.
Sheridan: I know I need to, I just don't know if I can.
Theresa's voice: If only Alistair were in that coffin, and not Luis.
Theresa: We've lost him, Mama. We've really lost him.
Father Lonigan: Let us pray as our lord Jesus Christ taught us.
Sheridan: I can't believe he had the nerve to come here.
Fancy: Um -- no one looks happy to see us.
Alistair: No, they're not happy to see me, sweetheart. As if I give a damn. The good people of Harmony are nothing but mere minions awaiting my bidding. Especially my new, nimble, young wife, Theresa.
Theresa's voice: When I'm through with you, Alistair, Luis will rest in peace while you burn in hell.
Tabitha: Oh -- oh, it's Fox and Kay. Oh, poor old Kay. She's waiting for Fox to finish work. Oh, well, the lass can't say I didn't warn her. You know, that spell I cast on Fox -- it could cost her and your half brother their love. Well, Kay claims that their feelings are stronger than any spell, but so far that doesn't seem to be the case, does it, Endora?
Kay: Hey, Fox?
Kay: Can't the Singapore project just wait till after Luis' funeral? Because our families are expecting us.
Fox: I know, I know. I just got to finish this first.
Kay: We're going to be late.
Fox: Ok, let me throw a hypothetical at you, huh? Let's just say, for example, I leave here, ok? I show up at the church. My grandfather's there. "Hi, Fox, how you doing? Where's Chad?" "I don't know, he's at work." How do you think that makes me look?
Kay: Chad is Sheridan's nephew, ok? I can't believe that he would miss Luis' funeral for work. And besides, Luis was almost your uncle by marriage. And Pilar -- she's worked for your family for most of her life. I mean, you're going to mourn Luis. How could your grandfather hold that against you?
Fox: How can you say something like that? After everything that old man has done to your family? Alistair is mean. He's a mean man. He's going to begrudge anyone that goes to Luis' funeral. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the old man showed up himself just to see who dared mourn the loss of Luis, a man that he had killed.
Alistair: Ignore them. They are no concern to us.
Sheridan: Father, how dare you show your face here. You're the reason Luis is dead in the first place.
Alistair: Sheridan, such wild accusations. Please.
Sheridan: It's the truth. You're to blame for both Luis and Antonio's death.
Alistair: She's totally overwrought. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Sheridan: And you're a sick, lying bastard! He actually had the nerve to show up at Pilar's last night with flowers that he pulled from her garden, roots and all.
Fancy: Grandfather, is this true?
Alistair: Well, it was late. All of the florists were closed.
Sheridan: Oh, stop making excuses. You hated Luis, and you hated that I loved him even more. That's why you had Beth kidnap Marty. You tried to kill Luis and me I don't know how many times.
Alistair: Just ignore her. She's totally hysterical with grief.
Sheridan: Get out of here! I don't want you here!
Alistair: Shh, shh, shh, shh. This is the house of God, Sheridan. All of his children are welcome here.
Sheridan: That rules you out. You're the spawn of evil.
Father Lonigan: Sheridan, as much as it pains me, I must agree with Alistair. All people, evil or not, are welcome in God's house.
Alistair: Why, thank you, Father.
Father Lonigan: Don't pretend to be grateful, Alistair. Just sit down and be quiet.
Julian: Sheridan -- excuse me -- why don't we sit down? We're about to begin. Fancy, why don't you come sit with Eve and me? If you sit next to this old man, you may be struck by lightning.
Alistair: Fancy's staying with me.
Alistair: Sit down, sweetheart. Damn these people and their holier-than-thou attitudes.
Fancy: Please, Grandfather, don't make a scene.
Alistair: Oh, don't worry. Discretion is my middle name.
Father Lonigan: We have come here today to give thanks to God for the extraordinary life of an extraordinary man -- Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald. It was decided that Luis would not have wanted a typical funeral mass, but rather a service crafted by those who knew him best. Ethan Winthrop has prepared a video chronicling Luis' last days on earth. Ethan, if you would please play that now?
Ethan: Thank you, Father. Luis kept a video diary of what turned out to be his last days alive while he was searching for Marty, his son with Sheridan. I took the liberty of editing some of the footage down to a few special moments I think we all need to see and hear.
Luis: Hey, Sheridan. I'm actually about to go to bed, but I'm not going to be able to sleep unless I tell you how much I love you, and how much I can't wait to bring our fantastic little boy home to you.
Kay: Well, Luis' funeral has already started by now, so if we want to get there before it's over, we have to leave now.
Fox: I can't leave now, all right? Stop interrupting me.
Kay: I'm sorry, and please don't snap at me.
Fox: Ahem. I'm sorry. Kay, I'm sorry. It's just -- I thought you understood what I was doing here was make-it-or-break-it kind of stuff, you know?
Kay: I know that, Fox. Ok? Alistair's going to use the Singapore project to choose between you and Chad.
Fox: Exactly. And I have to make sure he chooses me. Look, Chad's got his music to fall back on. I don't have anything, all right? And I'm not just doing it for me. It's for you, it's for Maria. All right? Once I'm in at Crane, I can solidify my position, I can build a future for you and me and Maria. We'll be together and happy. That's what you want, right?
Kay: You were just trying to scare me just then, right? I mean, the spell isn't really going to cost me Fox's love, is it?
Tabitha: Kay, I told you the spell was going to be expensive. Fox is going to become an incredibly successful businessman, thanks to my hard work. But he may fall out of love with you.
Fox: Kay? You want me to win, right?
Kay: Of course I do.
Kay: But I just don't want you to work day and night to do it.
Fox: Well, someone's got to keep their nose to the grindstone if we're ever going to have anything. So unless you want to wait a little while longer, go to the funeral and I'll be there when I can, all right? If I can at all.
Kay: I thought we were going to go together.
Fox: No, no, you thought wrong! All right? Now, just go. Go to the funeral. Damn it -- Kay? Kay, wait a second.
Tabitha: Now, this is as close as we dare come to this heavenly piece of real estate. But thanks to the latest in dark side technology, we're going to be able to tune in to the pain and suffering inside with these grief-seeking glasses, Endora. Look at Mommy. Oh, never mind. And this suffering satellite receiver. Ha! But I think we'd better go somewhere where no one's going to see what we're up to.
Tabitha: Well, just our luck. Well, you're an uppity statue, aren't you? Oh, chill out, you oversized pigeon perch. Endora and I have no intention of going inside. So you and your lot can have the whole blessed place to yourselves.
Luis: Sheridan, I'm in Seville now. Spain's beautiful, but it is -- it's hot. But I'm also hot on Beth's trail. Several people have already identified Beth and Marty from the photographs that I've shown them. God, I'm hoping one day soon that I can finally bring our son back to you. Look, I know that I messed up big-time in not being able to identify Beth for the nut job that she really is, ok? But the fact that your father helped kidnap you, steal Marty, and elude capture -- I mean, it blows my mind. What kind of a father does that?
Alistair: Luis never had evidence that I did anything. Besides, we all know that he always took Beth's side over Sheridan's.
Luis: He's evil, Sheridan. The man is pure evil. He's tortured your mother. He's tried to break us apart. He -- he made Julian abandon Eve, and, well, for years they thought that the son that they had together was dead. Alistair was responsible for Antonio's death. He almost killed my father for trying to protect Katherine. It got so bad that my father had to take off down to Mexico and the man had to abandon his family and leave his kids. My mother had nothing, so she sends Paloma down to Mexico. Paloma grows up thinking that, you know, she's unloved and unwanted, but that wasn't the fact at all, ok? We just didn't have the money. We didn't have the money. We couldn't afford another mouth to feed. Then there's Miguel. Alistair blackballed us so no one could get jobs. I'll tell you, the only person who seems to have come unscathed from Alistair's wrath is Theresa. I just hope that it stays that way.
Tabitha: Don't you dare get holier-than-thou with me, buster. I told you, my daughter and I wouldn't dream of going inside the Almighty's crib. We are just here to observe the pain and suffering generated by Luis' funeral. So go pick on a pigeon and leave us alone. We have work to do. Ow! Oh -- how dare you! We have every right to be here. Ow. Ow. Don't you worry, Endora. Mommy won't let that limestone avenger zap us like we're bugs.
Kay: Hey, Tabitha. What's going on?
Tabitha: It seems a certain stony saint has a loose laser finger.
Kay: You mean the statue?
Tabitha: It seems Endora and I aren't even welcome outside the church, let alone inside. And all we've come to do is eavesdrop on Luis' funeral.
Kay: Yeah, well, the statue's just doing its job.
Tabitha: How dare you defend heaven's little helper!
Kay: Hey, don't go off on me. I just stopped to check on you before I went inside.
Tabitha: Yeah, without Fox, I see.
Kay: He's working.
Tabitha: Well, of course he is. That spell I cast on him is winning out over you and your love for him.
Kay: It is not.
Fox: Thank you. Kay, do me a favor. Give me the revised fourth quarter profits. Kay? Oh, right. Luis' funeral. You know what, it's probably too late for me to go now, anyway. Ok, well, that's ok. Me besting Chad is best for Maria and Kay, so --
Chad: I don't see Fox or Kay. What if coming here was a mistake?
Valerie: Doing the right thing is never a mistake, Chad. Sheridan is family, your family. You should be here for her.
Little Ethan: Mommy, your hand is bleeding.
Theresa: Yes, it is, honey. Ahem. Excuse me, I'll take care of that in no time.
Theresa's voice: I promised Luis that I would kill Alistair before I let him hurt anyone I love ever again. And I will. I swear to god, I will.
Luis: That lead on Beth panned out. I'm getting real close to getting our son back, Sheridan. In fact, the closer I get, the more I realize the lengths your father is willing to go to keep me from finding them. I don't want this to freak you out, ok, but I'm getting so close that I'm sure that my life's in danger right now. Now, if something happens to me and for whatever reason I don't happen to make it back, there is one person and one person only to blame for my death. Alistair Crane.
Ethan: There's more, but I think we've seen enough. This video diary was meant for Sheridan, but she thought it was important and wanted all of you people to hear Luis' last words -- although I'm sure none of us are surprised by what we just saw and heard. We all know that Alistair is a hateful man, but he was in full force when he had Luis killed before he could rescue Sheridan's little boy.
Sheridan: Murderer! I knew that you had Luis killed, and now everyone else knows, too.
Alistair: You know, Sheridan, why don't you sit down and keep quiet. You're in the house of God.
Sheridan: Yes, Father, and holy justice is "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth." You had Luis killed and now I'm going to kill you, too!
Alistair: Oh --
Sheridan: Let me go! Let me kill him!
Alistair: Oh -- each one of you here is a witness to the fact that she said she wanted to kill me.
Sam: I didn't hear her say anything.
Martin: No, I didn't either.
Sheridan: Did anyone else hear me threaten my father? Remember this, old man -- remember that no one would help you even when your life depended on it.
Alistair: Do you see what you've done now? You've upset Fancy.
Sheridan: Probably because she finally sees you for the monster that you are.
Alistair: Wasn't it monstrous for Luis to say he loved you but that he didn't trust you? On top of that, he never believed you about Marty.
Sheridan: Luis did love me.
Alistair: Then why did he always believe Beth over you? Hmm? And why did he let Beth escape with your son when he had the chance to kill her?
Sheridan: Luis admitted that he was wrong.
Alistair: Oh, yes, Luis was wrong, all right. He was wrong for you, Sheridan. He was nothing but an uneducated brute who was using you in some convoluted way to avenge the supposed abuse that I inflicted on his family.
Martin: Shut up, Crane. Luis was a fine man, a devoted son and brother, and a loving partner to Sheridan.
Alistair: Oh, really? You know, grief always makes people say the most outlandish things.
Theresa: Alistair, my father is telling the truth. My brother should be alive right now. It's you who should be in that coffin with maggots devouring you bit by bit.
Noah: Fancy? You heard what Luis said about Alistair, and what everybody else in there thinks? Come on, now do you realize what kind of man he is and why I can't go to work for him?
Fancy: I'm not blind, ok? I can see why everyone hates my grandfather.
Noah: Thank God.
Fancy: But there's no proof he had Luis killed.
Noah: Oh, for crying out loud. How can you be so naive? Look, didn't you hear what your Aunt Sheridan just said? How your grandfather tried to have her and Luis killed more than once? And then there's Martin and Pilar and -- and your grandmother? God knows who else.
Fancy: I never said Grandfather is a saint, but having people murdered? Grandfather would never do such a thing.
Noah: He could and he has.
Fancy: There's no proof.
Noah: That's because Alistair covers up his tracks.
Fancy: Stop dissing my grandfather or I'll --
Noah: Or you'll what?
Kay: Fox and I love each other, and some tired old spell cast by some tired old witch is not going to change that.
Tabitha: Poor Kay. You can huff and puff as much as you like, but that spell that you insisted I cast on Fox is much too strong for love to win out in the end. Fox will be hugely successful in business, but his private life will suffer because of it. And frankly, I don't think that you and he will make it as a couple.
Kay: You're wrong, Tabitha. You have to be wrong.
Tabitha: Yeah, that's what Dewey said when I told him Truman would win.
Kay: Excuse me, I have a funeral to go to.
Tabitha: Oh, be my guest. You might as well mourn the loss of your future with Fox, as well, while you're at it.
Fox: Kay? Wait up a second.
Kay: I thought you weren't coming.
Fox: Well, I finally got to a place in my work where I could stop. The rose is an apology for speaking to you that way. I'm sorry.
Kay: Oh, no, it's ok. I -- you know, you have a lot of pressure on you from Alistair, so --
Fox: Well, it doesn't matter. I shouldn't talk to you that way. I want you to know I'm sorry.
Kay: You're forgiven. Hey, Tabitha? Wasn't that so sweet of Fox to bring me a rose? Mmm.
Kay: All right, well we should probably go inside before we miss any more of the funeral.
Fox: Ok. Are you coming?
Tabitha: Um -- no, dear. No, I'll speak to the bereaved after the service, but I feel that Endora's too young for coffins and the like, you know.
Kay's voice: With what's living in your basement? Yeah, right.
Fox: Well, we'll -- we'll see you out here, then, ok?
Tabitha: Yeah, we'll be here.
Tabitha: Poor Kay. I almost feel sorry for her. She really thinks that she and Fox have found true and lasting love, the kind that Sheridan and Luis shared for centuries. Unfortunately for her, I don't think that's the case. I think their affections will wane after a spell -- pun intended. Ow! You are one rude heavenly host.
Noah: Your grandfather -- look, he's never pulled a trigger himself, all right? He's never detonated a bomb himself. But as sure as I am standing here, he is responsible for what happened to Luis.
Fancy: How can you say that when there's no proof?
Noah: His track record is proof enough. Come on, you have to realize that.
Fancy: What -- what about "innocent until proven guilty"?
Noah: Fancy, do you really think that everybody in there is just conspiring to trash your grandfather? All right, that they've just made up everything Alistair has done? Your Aunt Sheridan -- she lied about Alistair trying to have her and Luis killed more times than she can count? And, of course, that the old man didn't abuse your grandmother, rape her? And then there's your father and Dr. Russell -- no, they just pretended Chad died and came back later to commit incest with his half sister?
Fancy: No, but --
Noah: Look, trust me, Fancy. Your grandfather is a murderer, and someday somebody's going to take him out.
Alistair: You're all pathetic fools. Here you are railing against me when you should be mourning Luis.
Theresa: You know what, Alistair, you're right. We are fools for letting you run roughshod over us all these years.
Alistair: Why don't you remember your place, Theresa. As my wife, you do not attack me in public. It may make me angry. Then I'd divorce you.
Alistair: Mm-hmm. Remember the prenup. You don't get one red cent. I get to keep little Ethan.
Theresa: Damn you, Alistair. And damn you and that prenup!
Eve: I need to have a word with you.
Eve: Ethan told me that you tried to smother Alistair last night after those pills took effect.
Theresa: That's right. Yes, I did. I tried to kill him, and he would be dead if Fancy hadn't come in.
Eve: I know that Alistair is vile, but I am not going to be a party to your murdering him. I want you to give me those pills back.
Theresa: I can't. They're gone.
Eve: They're gone? Where? You didn't use them on Alistair.
Theresa: Well, would he be here if I had?
Eve: No, I don't suppose he would.
Theresa: Right. Look, Dr. Russell, those pills -- they weren't any use to me, ok? They didn't prevent Alistair from nailing me whenever he wanted to, so you know what I did? I took them and I -- I threw them all down the toilet.
Eve: All of them?
Theresa: Yeah, every last one.
Tabitha: Watch it, marble mouth. Mind your manners or you'll answer to me. Oh. You want a piece of Tabby, do you? Well, bring it on, and don't say you didn't ask for it!
Tabitha: Endora? Endora? Zap Mommy, will you? Zap me. Give me a boost. Ok, give me a boost. I feel it, I feel it.
Tabitha: Oh. Uh-oh.
Fancy: You know, you have a one-track mind when it comes to my grandfather.
Noah: Look, it's not just me, Fancy. It's everyone.
Fancy: Look, I know my grandfather has earned his rep as the most hated man in Harmony, but he has always, always loved me, and I love him.
Noah: Even after what he's done to me? After what he's done to my family? To us?
Fancy: I can't help it, Noah. I love him.
Noah: Breaks my heart to hear you say that.
Fancy: But it's the truth.
Noah: Then here's my truth. If you don't stop defending that murdering S.O.B., I'm going to lose what little respect I have left for you.
Eve: You really flushed all those pills down the toilet?
Theresa: Every last one.
Eve: Well, you did the right thing, Theresa. Trying to kill Alistair with those sedatives -- trying to kill him for any reason is just wrong, period.
Theresa: I know, Dr. Russell.
Theresa's voice: But I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to kill Alistair.
Eve: Well, I'm glad that you came to your senses. You know, maybe Alistair will die of a heart attack soon, or maybe years of smoking those awful cigars will finally do him in -- I don't know. But the point is he can't live forever, so if you just hang in there long enough, eventually things will get better.
Theresa: Yeah, they will. I -- you're right. But if you could just excuse me, I'd like to go pray for Luis.
Ethan: Eve? Did you talk to Theresa about those pills?
Eve: Yes. She got rid of them.
Ethan: You believe her?
Eve: Yes, I do. I've known Theresa since she was young. Look, I know it's true she's done a lot of outlandish things, but she would never commit murder.
Ethan: I hope you're right.
Eve: Do you think I'm not?
Ethan: Eve, marrying Alistair has changed her. She's hardened. My God, she admitted to trying to smother Alistair to death. I just pray to god she doesn't try to kill Alistair again.
Gwen's voice: Theresa's trying to kill Alistair? Interesting.
Alistair: Sheridan, you look awful. You're acting just like you lost someone near and dear.
Sheridan: I don't know how, but someday, some way, I will make you pay for everything that you did to Luis, Mother, Julian -- all the people that I love.
Alistair: You act just like a madwoman. Oh, I forgot -- you are one.
Sheridan: Shut up, Father.
Sheridan: I'm not crazy, not that you haven't tried to drive me mad my entire life, from having me sent to psychiatrists when I was a little girl to having Dr. Ackland give me shock treatments that I didn't need.
Alistair: Get a grip, girl. You are out of control.
Sheridan: You mean out of your control.
Alistair: I am warning you, Sheridan.
Sheridan: That's why you had Luis murdered -- because you couldn't control him!
On the Next Passions:
Theresa: Could you please send up some spicy guacamole, just the way Alistair likes it?
Rebecca: Caught you red-handed, Theresa. Adios.
Noah: All the girls here are big, fat zeroes.
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