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Messenger: I have an urgent-delivery letter for Precious, no last name.
Alistair: My dear, you were incredibly nimble this evening. I guess I'll have to authorize a time-and-a-half check for your energetic work.
Woman: Thank you, Mr. Crane. I do my best to please you.
Alistair: I wish my family would. Which reminds me, I wonder what's on the family channel tonight. Huh. A bastard grandson. Idiot daughter. Young Marty, another bastard grandson. Oh, well, that's more like it. Whitney is in labor.
Woman: But why are you happy? Whitney's having another Crane bastard, your great-grandson by her half brother, Chad.
Alistair: But she's in pain --
Eve: You're doing good.
Alistair: How delightful. You know, when Leontyne Price hit that high note in "Aida," the entire audience stood up, standing ovation for six minutes. Once I'm finished with my family, they're going to be screaming in pain.
Eve: That's all right. Ok.
Valerie: Your grandfather is really something. I mean, look at this. He had the oil-drilling rights to half of Alaska sewed up decades ago. Now his investment will pay off big time.
Valerie: Chad, for god's sakes, Chad, you can't stop thinking about Whitney for one minute, can you? No matter what anybody thinks, you keep dreaming about your half sister.
Whitney: Oh -- the baby's coming right now, mom.
Eve: Don't you worry. Everything's going to be fine.
Eve: When did the contractions start?
Theresa: Well, we're not really sure, because at first we thought they were Braxton-Hicks and -- well, now --
Whitney: No, no, somebody has to do something right now. I think the baby's coming.
Eve: It's ok. Shh.
Whitney: Mom. Ugh!
[Knock on door]
Sheridan: Come in.
Julian: Sheridan, what's a delivery truck do-- good lord.
Julian: You starting a daycare center? Very impressive.
Sheridan: Well, wait till you see the bedroom.
Julian: May I ask why you seem to have bought out half the children's stores in New England?
Sheridan: This is all for Marty. Luis and Beth have decided to share custody of him, so he'll be spending a lot of time here. Julian, I finally have a child to take care of.
Julian: Oh, how marvelous for you.
Sheridan: I know from now on nothing can take away my happiness. Nothing can hurt me now.
Luis: Oh, yeah. You just wait till we get back to the cottage, big guy. Sheridan's got a surprise for you.
Beth: Yeah, I've got a surprise for Sheridan -- a fatal one.
Luis: And now a surprise for you. Beth, I got to thank you so much for sharing custody. I mean, now I get to spend more time with my son and --
Luis: Yeah -- you have no idea how much this means to Sheridan.
Beth: Oh, I think I do.
Luis: It only makes sense, though. Once we're married, she'll officially be his stepmom.
Beth: Yeah. So she's home right now?
Luis: Yeah. There's so much stuff -- toys, furniture -- had to leave the place to make room.
Beth: Oh, so there's a lot of delivery men there now?
Luis: Yeah. They probably all left by now. Boy, I can't wait till you see it, buddy. You are going to bug out. It's like a million Christmases in there.
Beth: So Sheridan's home alone.
Luis: What was that?
Beth: Hmm? Oh, I said -- "doesn't he look like that kid from 'Home Alone'?"
Luis: Maybe. Hey, Marty, check it out, bud.
Luis: Look -- the man in the moon. Yeah.
Beth's voice: I will not let Sheridan take my son or Luis. Damn her. She won't steal the life I've dreamed about, the life I deserve. Oh, the poor soul must be lonely all by herself at home. I'll pay her a little visit and put an end to her dreams and her life -- tonight.
Mrs. Wallace: An urgent letter at this hour for Precious? Oh -- well, I hope there's nothing wrong.
Messenger: I'm sorry, ma'am. It has to be signed for first.
Mrs. Wallace: Oh. Hey, Precious! Get over here and sign your letter!
Messenger: That's Precious?
Mrs. Wallace: Huh. Precious is a she, not a that. Where were you raised, the zoo?
Messenger: Ms. Precious, I'm going to need to see some identification first.
Mrs. Wallace: Oh, honestly. Ugh!
Messenger: Well, this is a first for me. I've never delivered a letter to a monkey before.
Mrs. Wallace: Oh, now you have done it! Oh, she is so sensitive about that. She is an orangutan, not a monkey.
Messenger: Well, I'm a Libra.
Messenger: This ape has a driver's license.
Mrs. Wallace: Well, they gave one to you, didn't they?
Mrs. Wallace: Hey, Precious, go on. Tip this young whippersnapper, huh? Here. Don't spend it in one place, now, huh? Come on, Precious. What is it, Precious? Bad news?
[Mrs. Wallace gasps]
Mrs. Wallace: Lordy, lordy, Precious. No. No.
Luis: Sorry, buddy, it's late. Let's get you back to the cottage, ok?
Beth's voice: He can't. I've got to be alone with Sheridan to kill her.
Luis: That's right, the cottage. Right.
Beth: Wait, I -- I got to kiss him good night.
Luis: Well, I'm sorry. Of course you do.
Beth: My baby! Oh -- Mommy loves you. Ooh, gosh. You know, he's still pretty revved up. You might want to get him calmed down before you take him to the cottage. Otherwise he's not going to go to sleep.
Luis: Well, how am I supposed to do that?
Beth: Well -- you know, what he does like are the swings at the park.
Luis: The swings?
Luis: Yeah, Beth, I think all the kids are going to be asleep by now.
Beth: I know, but listen. Marty is a little fireball, and the swings -- they tire him out. Oh, I forgot -- well, you wouldn't know, but we go to play on the swings at night all the time. Don't we, sweetie?
Luis: Yeah. There's a lot I don't know about being a parent, isn't there?
Beth: Well, don't feel guilty. You're a marvelous dad when you make the time.
Luis: Okey-doke, pal. You hear that? Looks like we're going to the swings --
Luis: Just you, me, and Mommy. You hear that? Giddyup.
Beth: Here we go.
Luis: Here we go. Vroom.
Beth: You might be going to the park to swing, but I'm going because it's two seconds away from the Crane estate, so hopefully I can slip away for a few minutes and slit Sheridan's throat.
Julian: Come on.
Sheridan: Here's some coffee for you.
Julian: Oh, thank you.
Sheridan: Come have a seat.
Julian: Uh -- where?
Sheridan: Sorry. There you go. As soon as Luis and Marty come back, we'll be like a real family.
Julian: That will be a first for this estate.
Sheridan: Well, not really. You know, Pilar used to live with her family in this cottage, and she's a wonderful mother, but I only hope that I can be as good a mother as she is. Marty's so lucky to have Pilar. She's everything that a grandmother should be.
Julian: Well, I tell you, given a chance, I think our mother would do a pretty good job as well.
Sheridan: Yeah. Yeah, I wish she was here to see this, you know, just even for me to be able to ask her about bringing up Marty. Whatever she's done, I know that she has a great capacity for love.
Julian: I was so thrilled when she returned to us, but now I think it might have been better if she'd never come back.
Sheridan: Why? I'm glad she did.
Julian: Well, it was painful, but so much simpler to have a -- have a dead mother. I mean, for her to come back and reveal to us that she left with Luis' father stirred up so many long-buried memories, then to have her disappear again, it's as if the net gain is nothing but pain. And I'll tell you, now that I have her back, I -- I'll be damned if I'll let her go again.
Sheridan: Well, I don't blame her for disappearing. I blame Father.
Julian: Well, yes, but you know she partially left to help you and Luis and, then I would assume, so Martin could get back together with Pilar.
Sheridan: Right, but Father did help her leave, didn't he? And she wouldn't have left the first time if he hadn't abused her. And if there's one thing that I have come to learn, virtually any horrible thing that happens to either of us is because of our darling daddy.
Julian: And before this night is over, he will tell me where our mother went.
Chad: I'm not going to lie to you. Yes, I was thinking about Whitney. I think about her all the time.
Valerie: But you can't love her.
Chad: Sure, I can. Valerie, look -- look at it from where I stand. It's evil, it's lousy. The woman I love turned out to be my half sister. My grandfather knew all about it and still pushed us together. You know, I wish that poison would have killed him.
Valerie: Will you be quiet? You know he's got this whole town bugged.
Chad: And? What's he going to do? Yo, yo, grandpa, can you hear me? You racist bastard! You know, I hope whoever tries to kill you next, you know, I wish them luck.
Alistair: There you go, boy.
Chad: Oh, and watch your back, because it might be me.
Valerie: Tell me when you're finished making a fool of yourself.
Chad: Come on, Valerie, think about it. The man threw me out on the streets when I was a baby, didn't tell my mother I was alive, didn't even tell my father I existed.
Valerie: That's old news. Face the facts -- Whitney's your half sister and yet you still love her. Don't you see that's wrong?
Chad: Yeah. Yeah, I see it's wrong. I'm not stupid. I know we can't have a relationship romantically anymore. But we can still share each other's lives. You're just like the rest. You think I'm sick, don't you?
Theresa: It's all right.
Whitney: Oh, my god. Is it supposed to hurt this badly?
Eve: Oh, I know it's tough, honey. But just think, a baby's coming -- your baby. And, Ethan, would you call 911 for an ambulance, please?
Eve: You know, honey, your contractions are coming pretty close together, so just to be on the safe side, we're just going to be prepared to have the baby here.
Whitney: Right here in the kitchen?
Eve: Well, just be thankful that you're in Pilar's kitchen instead of Ivy's, because you could eat off these floors. Come on, honey. Ooh --
Eve: There you go.
Whitney: Ah --
Eve: Nice and easy. There you go.
Eve: Ok, yes, it's ok. It's all ok.
Theresa: All right, you could use this mat for her to lie on, so --
Eve: Oh. Ok, good.
Ethan: Ok, I called. They're coming as soon as they can.
Eve: Well, let's just hope they get here in time. Ethan, could you gather some clean towels and sheets for me?
Ethan: Yeah, yeah, will do.
Theresa: You know, the linen closet down the hall.
Eve: You can lie down there, baby? Ok, that's good.
Whitney: Oh, my god, it hurts so much.
Eve: Don't you worry. Everything is going to be fine, just fine.
Whitney: God, how can you say that? I'm giving birth to my half brother's child. Things are not going to be all right! Agh!
Mrs. Wallace: Oh, you poor thing. Let me get you a tissue here, ok?
[Precious blows nose]
Mrs. Wallace: Precious, which one is she? Huh? Do you know? Yeah. Ok. Oh, well, isn't she young and stylish? You know, Precious, you never told me that you had an Aunt Divinity, and now -- now I'll never get the chance to meet her. You know, it doesn't say in the letter what's wrong with her. Do you know what she's dying of?
Mrs. Wallace: Gin? Oh, say it isn't so. Now, that's impossible, now, because I have been drinking gin since I was this high, and look at me now, huh? No, something else has got to be going on to push her into such a rapid decline. Oh, Precious -- Precious, you're going to be leaving me to go look after this sweet thing? Well, yeah. Ok. Ok, I know, family comes first -- well, at least in some families -- and I know that she's going to need you by her bedside in the jungle, but, jeez. Precious, I can't bear the thought of you leaving me. I mean, you're not only a swell nurse, but you're my pal! You are my best bud! Oh, Precious! What am I going to do? I'm going to miss you!
Valerie: No, Chad, I don't think you're sick. Misguided maybe, but I can't blame you. Your whole life's been ripped apart.
Chad: Yeah. Yeah, by Alistair Crane.
Valerie: You can't blame him for everything.
Chad: I could sure try. Look, Valerie, you know, for as long as I can remember, all I ever wanted was to have a real family, you know, have a place at the table that would always be there. And now look what happened. I find my real family, and it turns out that I'm in love with my own half sister.
Valerie: It's like my mom always says -- "be careful what you wish for, you might just get it."
Chad: Oh, I got it, all right.
Chad: Look, I know I can't give you everything you want.
Valerie: You never made me any promises.
Chad: I know, but I feel bad, you know? You're such a --
Valerie: Yeah, great girl? Yeah, I've heard that one before.
Chad: Look, I wish things could be different between us, you know, but I'm still so in love with Whitney. And every man deserves a woman he loves, doesn't he?
Valerie: And vice versa.
Chad: And I have her, except for one little detail -- I'm her brother.
Eve: Oh, does Theresa know about your baby?
Whitney: Yes. Yeah, I had to talk to somebody, and I know I can trust Theresa. I know she's not going to go run and tell her lover like you did.
Theresa: Julian knows?
Whitney: Oh, yeah, yeah. Mom went and blabbed to Julian just as soon as she could. You know, I should have known. I know that I can't trust her. You know, maybe I should take an ad out in "the Harmony Herald" and let everyone know I'm having my brother's child. What about that?
Eve: Whitney, that's enough. Just hush. You know, Ethan could hear you. Now, you just stop worrying about that and just worry about having your baby, ok? And where is Fox? I mean, he thinks he's the father of the baby. Shouldn't he be here? Shall we call him and tell him to come over?
Whitney: No, no, just forget about Fox.
Theresa: He's out of town, Dr. Russell.
Eve: He's out of town? Well, he really should be here.
Whitney: No, Chad's the one who should really be here, now, shouldn't he? Ugh -- agh!
Eve: Oh, god, honey. Another contraction already? God, this baby's coming really soon. Sweetheart, Mommy is going to examine you so we can see where we are in the process, how far along you are.
Whitney: Wait, Mom, it can't come right now. It can't.
Eve: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, honey. You're -- you're dilated at least 10 centimeters. This baby could come at any moment.
Whitney: Wait -- but, no. What about the ambulance, Mom? What if the baby is sick and there's problems and it -- something is wrong?
Eve: Stop it, ok? You can't think like that. You just concentrate on having your baby.
Whitney: Oh, my god. God is going to punish me for this. I know it.
Theresa: No, don't say that, ok? No.
Whitney: Oh, god! God, help me, please!
Theresa: Shh, shh.
Eve: Ok, my bag -- I need my bag. I have to get my bag.
Whitney: No, no, Mom, please -- please don't leave me, ok?
Eve: Theresa, would you get my bag for me, please?
Theresa: Yeah, of course. Oh -- damn this chair!
Eve: Theresa, the bag, please!
Theresa: Um --
Eve: Breathe, honey, breathe. Breathe through it.
Ethan: You're walking?
Mrs. Wallace: Oh, Precious, you're leaving me. Who is going to clip my ingrown toenails, change my diapers, shave my back?
Mrs. Wallace: Oh -- right. I forgot -- I shave your back. See, that's what friendship is all about, Precious. See, I don't know where my thoughts end and yours begin. Oh. Nurse Precious leaving Harmony -- what a sad day.
Mrs. Wallace: Oh, oh, oh, you poor thing -- the man that got away. But you know something, Precious? You did the right thing. You did by giving Luis up to Sheridan -- although I know you still love the big galoot, now, don't you? And you might never, ever see him again. Oh.
Singer: The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes and the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave to the dark and the endless skies, my love the first time ever I saw your face
Mrs. Wallace: I know, Precious. I know. Sometimes we women have to love our men from afar.
Sheridan: You know, if you can get Father to tell you where Mother is, more power to you. But, listen, can we just forget about both of them for right now, because I'm having such a happy night and I really don't feel like getting depressed.
Julian: Oh, of course.
Julian: So, young Marty will be my, what, my stepnephew?
Sheridan: How about just Marty? And he'll love you, Julian.
Julian: You have a new nephew, as well -- Chad.
Sheridan: I'm so glad you finally found him.
Julian: Yes, all he has for me at the moment is anger. Maybe it's too much to ask, but I do hope one day he'll think of me as his real father. But he has a lot on his mind, not the least of which is the fact that he still wants to be with Whitney, his half sister.
Chad: Look, I owe you a big apology, and I lead you on. I even slept with you while I was in love with another woman.
Valerie: No apology necessary.
Chad: Why are you being so cool about this? You know, I'm sitting here telling you that I'm in love with another woman and you don't even bat an eye.
Valerie: Is it so hard to understand? I'm a practical girl, Chad, and I have hope, hope that you'll come to your senses and realize you can never have Whitney. I plan on being around that day so you'll realize what you've been missing. And in the meantime, we can still be a couple. I'm patient. She's your sister, not the competition. And we can still be together even if you're in love with Whitney, because I know you could never be unfaithful with her in a million years.
Alistair: I disagree, Ms. Davis. I disagree entirely.
Ethan: Theresa, oh, my god. Oh, my god, you're walking. I was afraid I'd never see you walk again.
Eve: Good for you, honey. I think the swelling around your spinal cord must have gone down.
Eve: Ethan, hand me a towel, please? This baby's coming right now.
Eve: Ok, ok, breathe. Breathe, baby. Ok.
Mrs. Wallace: Oh. You poor sap. Precious and Luis -- a love that dare not speak its name. I know you're going to miss him, but you've got to admit it would have never worked out. "Precious and Luis" was a fantasy, a fragile soap bubble of a dream -- poof.
Singer: Into my room he creeps without making a sound, into my dreams he peeps with his hair all long and hanging down, how he makes me quiver how he makes me smile, with all this love I have to give him, I guess I'm gonna stay with him a while, how he makes me quiver how he makes me smile with all this love I have to give him I guess I'm gonna stay with him a while
Luis: Yeah, you know what? Whoa, it's getting late. We should really get going, huh?
Beth: Well, you know what, Luis? If you're smart, you'll let him keep swinging a little bit more till he starts nodding off. That way --
Beth: Yeah -- he'll sleep through the night.
Luis: Yeah, but we've already been swinging.
Beth: Yeah, but if you make him leave the park now, he's going to get really cranky. You and Sheridan are going to be up all night trying to calm him down. I mean, it would be a pity, your first night with him, you know?
Luis: All right.
Luis: All right, all right.
Luis: Well, come on, man.
Beth: Ok --
Luis: A little more.
Beth: Here we go to your daddy!
Luis: Do a little more swinging. You're the boss.
Luis: Yeah, I know.
Beth: It's ok. Go to the swing.
Luis: We'll go on the swing. Ok, we'll go right to the swing.
Beth: I'm going to run and get some coffee and I'll be right back.
Luis: You win.
Luis: All right, just like you said. We'll see you soon.
Marty: Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
Beth: Me you're going to see soon. Sheridan -- never going to see alive again.
Chad: You don't think I have the strength to control myself around Whitney? You think I'll make love to her again knowing how wrong it is?
Alistair: Uh -- Valerie, I think we need a moment alone.
Valerie: Yes, Mr. Crane, of course. I'll be in my office if you need me.
Chad: Oh, there's no smoking in my office.
Alistair: Oh, of course. Yes, we'll ignore the fact that all of these offices are mine. So here we are, my black bastard grandson.
Chad: And my white racist grandfather.
Alistair: Well, at least we're down with one another, as your friends would say in the hood -- which is the beginning of a meaningful conversation.
Chad: So you don't think I can keep my hands off of Whitney. Is that it?
Alistair: No, you got me all wrong. It's not a question of you keeping your hands off of her. I don't think you should.
Alistair: Well, you know that girl Valerie? Now, she's very, very bright and very ambitious. Now, if I were you, I would watch her like a hawk.
Chad: No, no, hold on a second. You just back up. What did you mean by saying I should sleep with Whitney?
Alistair: Because life is too short, fool. If you want Whitney, then you take her and make her yours and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. You're a Crane now, and a Crane takes what he wants when he wants it. He never looks back, he has no regrets, and there are no explanations.
Eve: Oh, my god, honey. I see him. He's crowning. His head is crowning. I think one more good push ought to do it.
Whitney: Oh, my god, Mom, I can't do it. I can't.
Theresa: No -- yes, you can. Everything is going to be fine. Come on.
Theresa: The baby's coming, Whitney.
Ethan: You're going to have a beautiful little baby, ok?
[Knock on door]
Eve: Oh, gosh, you're here.
Paramedic: What can we do?
Eve: Look -- well, it's too late to take her to the hospital, the baby's head is already crowning, but if you can just stand by and be ready to assist? Ok, honey, this is it. All we need is for you to bear down and push really hard one more time and -- and the baby will be here. Come on.
Whitney: Ok, Mom.
Theresa: All right, hold on tight, baby! Hold on tight!
Theresa: Oh, my god --
Ethan: Guess what -- you and Fox are parents. He's going to be so upset he missed this.
Theresa: Oh, honey, you have a baby.
Beth: Oh, damn it. Sheridan still isn't alone. Ok, patience, Beth, patience. In a few more minutes, Sheridan will be ready for the morgue.
Julian: Congratulations. Little Marty is lucky to have you.
Sheridan: Thank you. Well, you know, Julian, here we have talked about all our blessings, but I think we forgot one.
Julian: Yes? What's that?
Sheridan: We have finally become a real brother and sister.
Julian: Sheridan, you should always know that I love you, even if sometimes I'm bad at saying so. I'll track down Father. He'll tell me where our mother is.
Sheridan: Well, good luck, Julian. Good night.
Julian: Good night. May this night bring you nothing but happiness.
Sheridan: Thank you.
Beth's voice: Not likely. One more minute and Sheridan will be worm food.
Chad: You think I should sleep with Whitney?
Alistair: Absolutely. The Cranes are not bound by the conventions of this drab, puritanical society. All those people are sheep! We are wolves, and you're a Crane now, which gives you the license to take anything you want, and if you want Whitney, take her. She's yours. Yours.
Theresa: Dr. Russell? Is everything all right?
Whitney: Oh, my god! I knew it! My baby's a monster. Oh, my god!
Mrs. Wallace: Precious, you just got to walk away from Luis. I don't want you to end up like Beth with all her nutso plots and schemes. No, you just got to walk away. Let that big hunk of beefcake grab that brass ring while he can with Sheridan. Can you do that, huh? Huh? Can you do that, Precious, huh? Huh? Yeah, yeah, I knew you could. I knew it. It's a far, far better thing that you do it -- Precious, I'm going to miss you so very, very, very much. Because you know what? That's what our friendship is -- precious. Sweet Precious, mine you've been there for me all of this time you're the best friend that I have ever known now I'll be all alone
Luis: Now, you just wait to see that big surprise at Sheridan's. It's unbelievable. Yeah. Where did your mommy go? I thought Beth was just going to get us some coffee. Huh?
Julian: Oh, well, listen, don't keep that poor child up all night playing with his new toys. You have plenty of time.
Sheridan: I won't. Good night, Julian.
Beth: Oh -- thank you, god. After all this time, my dreams are coming true. Sheridan Crane is about to die.
Sheridan: Beth. I didn't know you were coming, too. What -- what, are Marty and Luis behind you?
Beth: You're never going to see Marty and Luis ever again.
Beth: Die, you blond bimbo! Die!
Sheridan: Agh --
On the Next Passions:
Whitney: I have no desire whatsoever to see that monster that I brought into the world.
Julian: You, Father, are a man about to die.
Beth: She's dead as a doornail.
Luis: It was you, wasn't it? You did this to her? Huh? You killed Sheridan?
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