[an error occurred while processing this directive] Passions Transcript Wednesday 10/3101 [an error occurred while processing this directive]
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Passions Transcript Wednesday 10/31/01

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Provided by Stephanie
Proofread by Stephanie O.

Tabitha: We have to get back to the Crane wedding so we can sneak down to Hecuba’s lair and find those herbs we need to help Kay steal Miguel away from charity.

Timmy: Then why are Timmy and Tabby back at home?

Tabitha: Because we were unceremoniously booted out of the mansion. Remember?

Timmy: Timmy remembers. But Tabby said --

Tabitha: I said that we were going to find another way onto the Crane grounds, and that's why we're here. I've had a marvelous idea.

Timmy: Whenever Tabby gets a marvelous idea, Timmy winds up in trouble.

Tabitha: Oh. Don't worry. This plan's foolproof, Timmy. You're not going to get hurt. The Crane guards will never even know we're there. Come on. Hurry!

Harper: I'm calling for Julian Crane. The judge that was scheduled to marry him today broke his leg and had to cancel. Yes, we need a replacement immediately.

Julian: I can't believe that judge canceled. I put him on the bench. I can certainly take him off the bench!

Harper: Well, call someone else. This is an emergency.

Julian: You know, this is all Tabitha’s fault, crazy old bat! And that living, breathing so-called doll of hers. Whenever they appear, there's a disaster.

Harper: Please, call me back as soon as you find someone. Julian, I wish you would stop talking about that doll being alive. There could be reporters lurking around. How would you like yourself to be the topic of a "wall street journal" story -- "Julian Crane sees doll come alive"?

Julian: Harper, that doll is alive.

Harper: Never mind that. You're in bigger trouble than that at the moment. You're about to marry Rebecca and your marriage to Theresa is not annulled. You'll be committing bigamy.

Julian: Yes, yes, I'm completely of the jeopardy.

Harper: Well, then get Theresa down here to sign these annulment papers.

Julian: I spoke with her. She said she'd be right here, but I'm more worried about that little pearl-handled pistol of Rebecca’s. If we do not marry on schedule, not only will she go to the media and tell them that I had my sister killed, but she'll use that gun on me. So find another judge to marry us before I'm singing soprano in jail!

Gwen: I can't believe you're wearing a gun to your wedding, mother.

Rebecca: Gwen, a Crane woman has to be prepared for everything.

Gwen: I wonder if I'll ever be a Crane woman.

Rebecca: Don’t worry, you will. As soon as I marry Julian, we get him to adopt Ethan. And once Ethan is a Crane again, then we get rid of Theresa.

Gwen: How? He's about to marry her any minute now.

Rebecca: Be patient. Theresa is impulsive. She doesn't think things through. And as my father always said, if you fail to plan, then you plan to fail. Now, Theresa is going to make some mistake and she's going to lose Ethan.

Gwen: It better be soon.

Rebecca: Oh, I think she's already made this tragic mistake. We just don't know what it is yet. Oh, but it is out there, just waiting for someone to reveal it.

Theresa: What did you just call me, Mrs. Crane?

Ivy: I told you not to call me that! You are Mrs. Julian Crane. I know your secret, Theresa!

Theresa: I don't know what you're talking about.

Ivy: Of course, you do! I sent an investigator down to Bermuda, Theresa. He talked to the Justice of the Peace at the resort. The man cracked. He squealed. He spilled the beans. Did you really think that no one was going to find out?

Theresa: You can't prove it! You can't prove any of it!

Ivy: No? Oh, let's see. Hmm.

This is the fax I just received. It's from Bermuda. It is a copy of your marriage license proving that you married Julian!

Theresa: Oh, my God. Oh, Ethan.

Ivy: Yes. Oh, yes, you can say good-bye to Ethan, Theresa, when he hears about this one, and I am going to make sure he knows what you have done! Ethan will never forgive you this time, Theresa! I knew that you were hiding something, you and Julian. And now I know the truth! Oh-ho! And soon Ethan will know the truth! The whole world will know the truth that you are Mrs. Julian Crane!

Liz: Wow. You're really going all out for this dinner with Diana, aren't you?

Brian: Well, I do want it to be special, Liz.

Liz: I can see that. Brian, I know I've said it before, but I --

Brian: Look, I know, I know. You think I'm setting myself to get my heart broken.

Liz: You know, you have done everything in your power to get Diana to fall in love with you. But what if she suddenly gets her memory back? She's going to leave this island, and then what are you going to do?

Sheridan: Hmm. What to wear to my dinner with Brian? That's strange. I suddenly just got the feeling that very soon something in my life is going to change. Maybe I'll remember who I really am. I just can't shake this feeling that everything I'm looking for, all the answers I need, are behind some door nearby.

Luis: Number 9. That's me.

Singer: I would hold the hand of the one who could lead me places and kiss the lips of the one who could sing so sweet and I would fly on the wings of the bird I knew could take me highest breathe in, breathe out you keep me alive you are the fire burning inside of me you are my passion for life

Harper: Judge Benson? Oh. Thank you. That was his clerk. We missed the judge by five minutes. He's on the way to Alaska.

Julian: Alaska? Uh --

[Intercom buzzes]

Julian: What is it?

Rebecca: Julian, why are we starting the ceremony so late?

Julian: I'm sorry, my pet, but -- the judge canceled.

Rebecca: What?

Julian: Yes, but Harper’s doing everything he can to find an immediate replacement.

Rebecca: Oh, this had better not be one of your tricks. You better not be trying to weasel out of marrying me.

Julian: Oh, no, my darling. I want to marry you more than anything in the world.

Rebecca: You better mean that because if you don't, I'm going to put little Julian out of commission -- for good.

Julian: Oh, no, I swear I had nothing to do with the judge canceling. He broke his leg.

[Phone rings]

Harper: This is Harper.

Tabitha: Oh, Mr. -- Ahem --

[Disguised voice] Mr. Harper, I understand you're in need of someone to perform a wedding ceremony.

Harper: Yes, we're in desperate need.

Tabitha: Well, I have someone for you.

Harper: Oh, great. How soon can you be here?

Tabitha: Oh -- well, we can be there soon.

Harper: Fantastic.

Julian: Oh. Did you find another judge?

Harper: Oh, what's the judge's name?

Tabitha: Well, he's -- he's not exactly a judge.

Harper: Well, then who's going to perform the ceremony? A what? No, no. Thank you. That'll be fine. Well, we have someone to perform the ceremony. They will be right over.

Julian: Oh, thank God. Rebecca? Good news, not to worry. Help is on the way. We'll be married before you can say, "Stick 'em Up."

Rebecca: Good. Call me when it's time. I am so ready to become Mrs. Julian Crane.

Julian: Yes.

[Turns off intercom]

Julian: And I'm ready to have another drink.

Harper: Julian, there's something you should know about this person that's going to marry you.

Julian: Listen, I don't care if it's a three-legged Cyclops as long as he gets the job done and gets Rebecca off my back.

Harper: Whatever you say.

Tabitha: Hurry up, Timmy. Everything's all set.

Timmy: Timmy thinks this is a terrible idea.

[Tabitha chuckles]

Tabitha: Oh, it's brilliant!

Timmy: Julian will kill Timmy the minute he sees him.

Tabitha: Oh, don't worry. He'll never recognize you. Oh, I'm so glad I didn't throw that costume out. Come on, Timmy. We got to go. Oh! Timmy, you look wonderful!

Timmy: How's Timmy going marry Julian and Rebecca? He doesn't even know Hebrew.

Tabitha: It's going to work. Don't worry. Julian's world is going to unravel completely, and I for one don't want to miss it. Come on, Rabbi.

Ivy: Get up! Get up!

Theresa: Oh. Oh. What happened?

Ivy: "What happened"? You tried to avoid me by fainting. But it won't work, you lying little bitch. How could you hurt my son again?

Theresa: I never meant to hurt Ethan, Mrs. Crane!

Ivy: I am not Mrs. Crane. You are Mrs. Crane, and I cannot wait to tell Ethan. You will never marry my son, Theresa. I promise you that. Ethan will never forgive you for this!

Ethan: Forgive you for what, Theresa? What -- what's going on here?

Theresa: Ethan!

Ivy: Oh, I'll tell you what's going on!

Theresa: No, don't listen to her!

Ivy: When Theresa was in Bermuda with Julian --

Theresa: We have to get out of here right now, Ethan!

Ivy: No, wait!

Theresa: Right now!

Ivy: No! You will listen to me because I know the truth. I know what Theresa has done!

Theresa: No, Mrs. Crane!

Ivy: Ethan, remember when you promised me that you would break off your engagement with Theresa if she ever lied to you again or kept any secret?

Ethan: Yes, but she told me she wasn't hiding anything from me.

Ivy: Then she is a liar and a slut!

Ethan: Mother, stop it!

Ivy: No!

Ethan: No, I won't let you talk to Theresa that way! Come on, let's go!

Ivy: Oh, no! No! No! Before you go then, you read this.

Ethan: Why? What is it?

Ivy: Just you look at it.

Theresa: No, Ethan! Please don't look at it!

Ethan: What -- what is this? What does this mean, Theresa?

Ivy: It means your lovely fiancée is married -- to Julian!

Theresa: I can explain, Ethan, what happened!

Ivy: Oh, what is there to explain? She married Julian!

Theresa: Ethan --

Ethan: Is this true?

Theresa: Yes! Yes. It's true. I -- I am married to -- to Julian.

Brian: What do you think? Huh? Huh?

Liz: You look very elegant. Hmm. And just think -- you'll wear a suit for Diana, but I couldn't even get you to change into a clean t-shirt for one of my parties.

Brian: Yeah, I know. I -- Diana, she seems like the suit type. There's something about her. She's not like us, you know. Kind of regal. Don't you think?

Liz: Yeah, I remember we said that when you first brought her here -- not stuck-up, just --

Brian: Confident, like me. Right? I think we're a perfect match.

Singer: You are my passion for life.

Man: Ok. Mr. Harper called down. You're cleared.

Second man: You can go in.

Tabitha: [Disguised voice] Well, thank you very much.

Timmy: Shalom.

Tabitha: [Normal voice] "shalom"?

Timmy: The spirit moved Timmy. He feels comfortable in this outfit. Maybe Timmy should convert.

Tabitha: From what? Come on, we haven't got time to discuss theology. We've got a wedding to perform. Ahem.

Man: I didn't know the Cranes were Jewish.

Luis: Oh, man.

Luis: That's weird. There's a strange feeling of Sheridan, like she was in the room. Yeah. I knew coming down here was going to stir memories of her. I'm just going to have to learn how to accept the reality that she's gone. I have to learn how to handle that, that Sheridan’s gone. I got to get on with my life.


Sheridan: What was that? Nothing, I guess.

Luis: Just wish I didn't miss you so much.

[Knock on door]

Liz: What are you doing in here?

Luis: This is room 9, the room you gave me, isn't it?

Liz: No. I am so sorry. This is room 6. I have got to put a nail in this thing.

Luis: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't walk in on anyone.

Liz: Yeah. This is Diana’s room. I guess she's in the bathroom.

Luis: It's a good thing I didn't catch her changing.

Sheridan: I'm not hearing things. Someone's in my room.

Theresa: It's not what it -- it looks like, Ethan. It was a mistake, a horrible mistake!

Ethan: How could you do this Theresa?

Theresa: I don't know. I had too much champagne and --

Ethan: Too much champagne? That's all it took to marry Julian?

Ivy: Get rid of her, Ethan! Throw her out!

Theresa: No, please.

Ethan: No, mother's right. I want you out of this house and I want you out of my life!

Theresa: No, you don't mean that, Ethan!

Ethan: I want you out! God, I can't believe a fool I was! To think I loved you? I hate you. I hate you for what you've done to my life.

Ivy: Get up, you little tramp! Wake up! Wake up! You can't faint on me, damn it! Wake up and face the music!

Theresa: Ethan. Where's Ethan?

Ivy: No, Ethan’s not here, Theresa. But as soon as he arrives, I will tell him everything, every seedy, sordid detail.

Theresa: He doesn't know? It was a dream?

Ivy: Don't worry. He'll know soon enough. And he promised me that he would dump you the next time you lied to him, and, oh, boy, this one's a whopper!

Theresa: Mrs. Crane, please, let me explain!

Ivy: No, you know, Theresa, this marriage license -- it's all the explanation I need, and you should have seen your face when I showed it to you. It was priceless. And I can't wait to see Rebecca’s face when I show her. Oh, I'm going to fix her for trying to kick me out of my own home! Isn't it wonderful, Theresa? I'm having revenge on you, on Rebecca, and Julian all at once. It's perfect!

Theresa: I am begging you, Mrs. Crane. You can't tell anyone.

Ivy: Oh, I can, and I will, Theresa. It's over, Cinderella. You will never marry the prince, never.

Luis: Ok. Lead the way.

Liz: It's just down the hall.

Sheridan: Hello? Is anyone there? I guess I'm imagining things. I could have sworn I heard people talking.

Harper: Yes?

Tabitha: [Disguised voice] I called earlier about the Rabbi.

Harper: Oh, yes. But you do understand that the Cranes are not Jewish?

Tabitha: Oh, don't worry about that, sir. The Rabbi has performed many civil ceremonies.

Harper: Oh, excellent. And where is the Rabbi? Oh, I am terribly sorry. And who are you?

Tabitha: I'm the Rabbi's assistant and chauffeur.

Timmy: When is the ceremony supposed to start?

Harper: Very soon. Mr. Crane is just settling a few last-minute details.

Tabitha: Ahem. Mr. Harper, we have to arrange something for the Rabbi here, you know, inasmuch as he's vertically challenged.

Harper: What? Oh, oh, yes, yes. I'll take care of everything.

Tabitha: Thank you.

Harper: Oh, this wedding's going to be a weird one. Why am I not surprised?

Tabitha: [Normal voice] Timmy, you hold the fort down here. I'm going to run down to Hecuba’s lair, ok?

Timmy: Tabby can't leave Timmy. He doesn't know how to perform a wedding ceremony.

Tabitha: Don't worry about that. I'll be right back, tell you exactly what to do. Ahem.

Timmy: Oy. Timmy needs a martimmy.

Julian: Has the official arrived to perform the ceremony?

Harper: Yes. But there is something you should know about him.

Julian: Shh. It doesn't matter. My fate is sealed. There's no way I can avoid marrying Rebecca now.

Harper: Where in the hell is Theresa? She should have been here by now to sign these annulment papers.

Theresa: I thought that I was marrying Ethan, not Julian!

Ivy: Well, that's good, but it doesn't fly.

Theresa: It's the truth.

Ivy: So, you're telling me that Julian got you drunk and then married you?

Theresa: Yes.

Ivy: Well, knowing what a bastard Julian is, I could believe that. But I don't because I know the truth. Gwen tried to warn me. Rebecca even tried to warn me. Everyone said you were just a gold-digging little tramp, but I didn't believe them. And sure enough, you managed to steal Ethan away from Gwen. And then, when Ethan found out that you lied about having my letter on your computer, you thought he was so upset that he would never marry you, so you figured out another way to get your hands on the Crane fortune. You went to Bermuda and you tricked Julian into marrying you.

Theresa: No, that's not what happened. I went down to Bermuda to try to convince Julian into taking Ethan back into the Crane family. I wanted to make it up to him for everything that he lost because of me, because someone sent your letter that I put on my computer to the tabloid and Julian divorced you and Ethan lost everything.

Ivy: Or was that all part of your master plan to begin with?

Theresa: What?

Ivy: Your plan to have me kicked out of the marriage and Ethan dethroned so you could have the big cheese himself, Julian!

Theresa: Mrs. Crane, I love Ethan with all of my heart and would never do anything to hurt him.

Ivy: That is all you have ever done, Theresa!

Theresa: I keep telling you it was a mistake!

Ivy: Well, there's just one problem with that, Theresa. I can't believe a word that comes out of your mouth because you are a liar! And as soon as Ethan sees this marriage license, you're history. He will never love you again

Singer: You are my passion for life.

Liz: This is your room. Is it all right?

Luis: Yeah, it's nice. It's great. I'm telling you, I’m just glad I didn't walk in on that woman.

Liz: Me, too. All right, this room has a balcony with a really lovely view.

Luis: Wow. Wow, this is great.

Sheridan: This resort is amazing.

Luis: I'm glad you like it.

Liz: Are you all right?

Luis: Yeah, I'm fine. I was -- I was just thinking about my fiancée.

Liz: Oh, you should have her come down, join you.

Luis: I wish I could. It's not possible.

Liz: Oh, what a shame. It is a very romantic island. Ok. I'll leave you to unpack.

Sheridan: Oh, hey, Liz.

Liz: Hey. I just wanted to tell you that Brian is waiting.

Sheridan: Thanks. Tell him I’ll be there in just a minute.

Liz: I will. 

Luis: Where's the picture of me and Sheridan? I must have left it in that woman's room.

Luis: Excuse me, Miss! You in there? I think I left something in your room by accident.

Timmy: Ah! Nirvana! Now, if they only have the martimmy ingredients.

Maid: Mr. Crane?

Julian: What now?

Maid: From Mrs. Hotchkiss. She said it's an early wedding present.

Julian: Hopefully, it's a pre-nup.

Julian: What the hell?

Harper: What is it? Good God, it isn't authentic, is it?

Julian: No. It's a mockup. It's a not so subtle warning from Rebecca that this wedding had better happen.

[Intercom buzzes]

Julian: Yes?

Rebecca: Did you get my wedding present?

Julian: Yes, I did.

Rebecca: Then why don't I hear "Here Comes the Bride"?

Harper: We're working on getting the ceremony started, Rebecca.

Rebecca: Oh, well, make it snappy because I have "USA Today" on speed dial on my cell phone.

Julian: I need another drink.

Harper: That makes two of us.

Theresa: Please, Mrs. Crane! Don't tell Ethan! I will do anything.

Ivy: I'm all out of pity, Theresa. I'm just glad I found out in time. Uh!

Theresa: I can't let you do this to me. I won't let you do this!

Ivy: What do you think you're doing?

Theresa: I won't let you take Ethan away from me. I am not going to let you do it.

Luis: Hello? Is anyone there? She must have gone out.

Sheridan: I love you.

Luis: I love you, too.

Luis: Sheridan, I miss you so much.

Brian: Perfect.

Sheridan: The table looks beautiful, Brian.

Brian: No, you -- you look beautiful. Absolutely stunning.

Sheridan: Thank you. And you look very handsome in your suit.

Brian: Oh, what, this old thing? Thanks. That dress -- it looks like it was made for you.

Sheridan: Really? I just pulled it out of the suitcase that Liz gave me.

Brian: It's amazing how all those clothes fit. Here. Please sit down.

Sheridan: Thank you.

Brian: Well, I hope you are hungry.

Sheridan: I am famished.

Brian: Good. Here.

Brian: There you go.

Sheridan: What are you doing?

Luis: Well, I'm here to make sure that you don't die, and that includes starvation.

Sheridan: That's your steak.

Luis: My tender, juicy, perfectly broiled steak.

Brian: Diana, is something wrong?

Sheridan: It was strange. I just had another memory. I keep getting this feeling that the key to my past is somewhere close by.

Sheridan: My room! The key to my past is in my room!

Timmy: Timmy knew Julian would have Timmy’s special martimmy ingredients. Ah. This batch is special.

Julian: I'll have Pilar’s head on a platter. She should have seen we were low on scotch in the living room bar.

Timmy: Julian.

Julian: What's this?

Harper: Oh, who cares? Just pour me a glass.

Julian: It's the doll's drink. It's nectar of the doll’s.

Timmy: Oy vay.

Harper: What are you talking about, nectar of the doll's?

Julian: What are you doing?

Timmy: Drinking martimmys. You want one?

Julian: Well, yes, if it'll make me feel better.

Timmy: You know what? It's stronger than the hair of a dog.

Julian: Who?

Timmy: You'll see.

Julian: Hmm.

Oh, it's really quite good. The doll was giving me this drink. He's here. He's got to be here.

Harper: Relax, Julian. You know Tabitha and her doll were thrown off the property, remember?

Julian: No, he's here. He made this pitcher of drinks.

Harper: Julian, you've been under a tremendous strain. I think as soon as you and Rebecca are married, you should check into a spa for a few weeks. It's time, Julian. Let's go.

Julian: I'll find you, you little doll. Damn you, I'll find you. Oh, God, that's good.

Ivy: Theresa, have you lost your mind?

Theresa: I told you, I am not going to let you leave this room.

Ivy: You can't stop me!

Theresa: The wedding!

Ivy: Oh, no, no. I stopped Ethan from marrying you and I will stop Julian from marrying Rebecca. But first, I want Ethan up here -- uh! Oh!

Theresa: Julian has the annulment papers. I'll just sign them and I'm going to find Ethan and we're going to leave. We're going to elope and we're going to go far away from this house, this evil house.

Ivy: Do you honestly think he will never find out? I will tell him!

Theresa: It doesn't matter, because once we're married, Ethan will never divorce me.

Ivy: This conversation is over. I'm going to go find Ethan and I am going to go tell him the truth!

Theresa: I won't let you tell him!

Ivy: Theresa, what are you doing?

Theresa: I'm going to stop you. I won't let you tell Ethan!

Tabitha: Oh, I don't have much time. I got to get back upstairs and help Timmy with the wedding ceremony. Now, let's see. Ah! Eye of the newt! Perfect! Perfect. Pigweed root aphrodisia. Whoo-hoo!

Face: Tabitha Lenox, what are you doing? Why are you stealing these concoctions?

Tabitha: Good grief, you frightened the living daylights out of me.

Face: Tell me what you're doing. I won't let you leave until you do.

Tabitha: Ahem. I'm just picking up a few ingredients to help along with the pain and suffering in Harmony. Julian and Rebecca, Ethan and Theresa -- they all better fasten their seat belts. They're in for a bumpy ride.

[Tabitha chuckles]

Harper: Oh, there you are. The ceremony is about to start.

Timmy: But --

Harper: Come along.

Timmy: Where are you, princess?

Julian: Harper. All set? Where is the person who's going to marry us?

Harper: Oh, he's here, Julian, but prepare yourself. You're about to see a ceremony like you've never seen before.

Julian: What do you mean?

Ivy: No, Theresa, don't!

Theresa: Agh!

[Ivy screams]

Ivy: Stop it, Theresa! Stop! Stop it!

Theresa: Now, I am going to sign the annulment papers and I’m going to find Ethan and we are going to elope and you won't even be able to get out of this room! I am sorry; Mrs. Crane, but I can't lose Ethan. I can’t.

Ivy: No. No, I will not let you marry my son! I will not! No!

Luis: When am I ever going to accept the fact that I'll never see you again?

Brian: Diana, how can the key to your past be in your room?

Sheridan: I'm not sure, but I just remembered something. I was in such a hurry to get down here that I didn't pay any attention to it. I just glanced at it quickly. There was a framed photo on my nightstand, and I didn't put it there, but it was a picture of me and a man.

Brian: Wait a minute, you're kidding. Who was the man?

Sheridan: I don't know. It didn't really register, but I got to go back to my room to see if I'm crazy or not.

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