One Life to Live Transcript Monday 12/19/11
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Episode # 11088
Provided By Suzanne
Roxy: They shot the last scene? We're too late?
David: Come on. There will be other shows.
Roxy: Not like this one. Not like "Fraternity Row"!
David: Roxy? Roxy!
Durwood: [Foreign accent] Darling. Darling. Darling, wake up.
Roxy: David? What happened?
Durwood: David? Darling, it is I -- Durwood. Your husband.
Roxy: Durwood? What are you talking about? Where am I?
Durwood: In kingdom, of course -- your ancestral home. Where else would you be? You are Lorraine king.
Roxy: Oh, my God. I'm in "Fraternity Row"!
Durwood: Gilda, Gregor. Some water for my wife. You must relax, my sweet. You must be in a state of shock.
Roxy: They didn't find Durwood when he fell into the corn thresher. Didn't I say that you could play Durwood if they brought him back from the dead?
Durwood: Play Durwood? My dear, I am Durwood. Oh, Lorraine. My goodness. It is so nice to see you again.
Roxy: Lorraine? Like Lorraine "the star of the show" Lorraine? Lorraine king von Vandenberg Baxter Beaumont?
Durwood: Did you think I could forget the love of my life?
Roxy: Hey, hey, hey! Slow down, cowboy. You know, this isn't -- I don't do things like that. You know, I'm not --
Gilda: [German accent] Miss Lorraine!
Durwood: Your faithful servants!
Gregor: [German accent] Jawohl. We will make you very comfortable.
Gilda: Here is your water.
Roxy: Hey, Viki and Clint. Or maybe it's just a pigment of my imagination. [Laughs]
Durwood: She is quite confused. She just found out that her long-lost husband is still alive.
Gilda: But surely, you remember us. Gilda und Gregor. Hmm?
Roxy: Okay. I got it now. Viki and Clint are playing Gilda and Gregor, Lorraine's ever-faithful servants.
Durwood: Be gone. Lorraine, I am so happy to be home. Not much has changed.
Gregor: That's what he thinks.
Durwood: Yes, I! Alive and well! You know what you did.
Dash: Well, what did I do?
Roxy: Dunning! So Todd is dash dunning, Lorraine's ne'er-do-well, deadbeat half-brother.
Durwood: You stuck me in eternity for what seemed like -- a really long time. You wanted me out of the way so you could sponge off of my wife.
Roxy: Wait a minute. That's where you've been all this time.
Durwood: Yes, my darling. I've been trapped in the underground city of eternity. I fell down a hole in the earth. It was your doing --your plan -- your hole.
Dash: That's absurd.
Durwood: We'll see about that. Gregor, phone the police.
Murphy: No one's going anywhere. Ms. Beaumont. Someone call the cops?
Roxy: Okay, I'm on to you now. I know you're not Blair and Téa. You're Murphy and Macy, and you're "Fraternity Row's" cracker-Jack crime-solving duo.
Macy: [High-pitched voice] What's she talking about? I'm confused.
Durwood: Arrest this man. He is a thief and a liar who tells lies. He stuck me in eternity for what seemed like --
Durwood: Why, yes.
Dash: That's a damned lie!
Murphy: I'm sorry, but I can't arrest him.
Durwood: Good God! Why not?
Blair: Because he's not the real dash dunning.
Roxy: He's not dash dunning? Then who is he?
Dash: What are you talking about? Of course I'm dash dunning.
Murphy: Macy and I have been working on this case for quite some time now, and we have evidence that proves that you are an imposter.
Macy: Which means a fake, if anyone's wondering, 'cause I didn't know, so --
Dash: Lorraine! Gadzooks! You know who I am. I'm your brother. I'm your baby brother! You are my sister.
Roxy: What the hell is going on here? I'm not really Lorraine, but I am, and I'm not really in "Fraternity Row," but I am. I am -- I am Lorraine king von Vandenberg Baxter Beaumont, and this is my fancy dress, and these are my fabulous jewels, and those are my servants, and I got a hot, hunky husband, and this is "Fraternity Row," which is the greatest show of all time. And I'm the star!
We now return to "Fraternity Row."
Roxy: We can't do this! Stop!
Dash: Of course I am the real dash dunning.
Murphy: Not according to the evidence.
Dash: Evidence? [Scoffs] What evidence?
Murphy: Evidence that suggests that you stole the real dash dunning's life and that he is being held somewhere.
Dash: Really? That's ridiculous. Where?
Macy: Really! In an undisclosed location.
Dash: [Inhales deeply] Where exactly is this undisclosed location?
Murphy: I can't disclose that.
Murphy: It's undisclosed.
Macy: But we know enough to know --
Macy: --That you may not be you.
Roxy: You know, you should get a DNA test. Ain't that what you cops usually do?
Dash: A DNA test? That's genius, sis! And then I'll finally know that I am who I am.
Murphy: Let's go.
Roxy: Oh, and be very careful, you know, 'cause they mess those DNA tests up all the time.
Durwood: Trusted servants! Brandy and cigars. I feel like celebrating.
Gilda: Und for you, miss Lorraine?
Roxy: Oh. Oh, I would love a little more jewelry.
Gilda: Jewelry, ja, ja. Jewelry. Ja.
Durwood: My poor, poor dear. Have these long years been terribly, terribly lonely?
Gregor: [Laughs] As if!
Roxy: What are those two muttoning about?
Durwood: Who cares? They're servants. What is important is we are family. We are together again. You've done a very good job with our fair Brandon. He's a fine young man. Let's just hope that he's solving the problems at the fraternity.
Roxy: Well, I don't think you know half of Brandon's problems, 'cause they're all your fault.
Briana: [Clears throat] Thank heaven you're here, Brandon. Look!
Dean blight: Morality! Is that so hard? Is that so very hard?
Dean blight: So good of you to join us, Brandon.
Brandon: Not now, Norbert. What's the trouble here?
Dean blight: I was just telling your young friends here that alpha house, of which you were once president --
Brandon: I'm now leader emeritus.
Dean blight: Alpha house and its sister sorority, the deltas, have brought shame and disgrace to Fraternity Row. Word of the goings on at their filthy, immoral party was all over campus this morning. Alcohol and suggestive raucous music.
Benjamin: Bro, it wasn't even like that, yo!
Dean blight: And you, Benjamin Mazda, should be particularly ashamed. Word has it that you shot a sex video in the frat house.
Jane: Hey. You don't know the whole story.
Dean blight: You are a disgrace, too, Jane. You and your unwed mother of a half-sister.
Moon: [Gasps] Whatever.
Dean blight: You two and your boyfriend, Jonathan Mazda, engineered a distasteful song about underage sex! And you. Reprobate worm. Theater major.
Brandon: Norbert, Norbert. How about you settle down a little bit? These are just good kids. They're blowing a little steam.
Briana: Yes. Brandon's right, dean blight. These kids just need a little -- guidance.
Dean blight: Who? Who is going to be a good example for them? You two degenerates? You're the worst of them all.
Brandon: What are you saying? We are in a loving, committed relationship.
Dean blight: You are in a loving, committed, incestuous relationship.
Durwood: Brandon and Briana? Sister and brother? Impossible! Briana is not your daughter. She is your sister's daughter.
Roxy: And yours.
[Knock on door]
Durwood: How could that possibly be? How can Briana be my daughter?
Roxy: Honey, it's all over Fraternity Row, so you can stop playing stupid. You cheated on me with my best friend and you knocked her up.
Gregor: Here she is now. Mrs. Smythe.
Roxy: Durwood, darling. If you want to find out who's Briana's father, ask her mama.
Nigella: Yes. Ask me!
We now return to more of "Fraternity Row."
Nigella: So it's true, Durwood. You're alive --after I mourned you all these years.
Durwood: Yes, Nigella. I have been languishing in that infernal underground city.
Nigella: I thought I'd lost you for all eternity, but it turns out you were in eternity?
Roxy: Nigella, honey. Ooh, you don't look so good close up. You know, the camera does wonders for you. You cheated on me with this?!
Gilda: As if she's in the position to judge, hmm?
Nigella: There's no use pretending any more, Durwood. The truth is out. It's all over Fraternity Row. My darling Briana -- is our love child.
Dean blight: You, Briana, and you, Brandon are brother and sister, and you're engaging in debased unholy copulation.
Brandon: I say, Norbert. Isn't that a tad bit harsh?
Dean blight: Brandon, you are the emeritus leader of the alphas. Briana, you are the chairman of the deltas. You are role models! And yet your nauseating actions have seriously damaged your image and that of this university. Clean up your house!
Dean blight: Or I will shut you down for good!
Moon: Dean blight was right. That party was an orgy, and you were right in the middle of it, Jonathan Mazda.
Jane: I saw you, Benjamin Mazda. Yeah, I saw you leave the party, so I followed you upstairs.
Roxanne: And you were with a girl, too, Mazda. It was dark and I couldn't see who, but I saw you bring her into your bedroom!
Together: Who was she?!
Benjamin: I --
Jonathan: Am not --
Mazda: Cheating on you!
Together: They're lying!
Briana: Could dean blight be right? Is what we're doing wrong?
Brandon: I mean, if it really bothers you, brisket, there's a way to find out if we really are siblings.
Briana: How, Brandon?
Brandon: A DNA test.
Maury: Aah! May I help you?
Murphy: F.R.P.D. We need a DNA test to determine if this is the real dash dunning.
Maury: Oh, no problem. Take off your shirt.
Dash: For a DNA test?
Maury: It's hospital policy.
Dash: Isn't that a little gratuitous? All right.
Maury: There you go.
Dash: Just so long as it's important to the story.
Maury: All right. This won't hurt.
Macy: Listen, bub. This is a matter of life and death. Don't screw it up.
Maury: Oh, I'll be very careful.
Murphy: Well, someone's been working out.
Macy: No kidding. Nice delts. [Sighs]
Murphy: I've always been attracted to you -- whoever you are.
Maury: Soon we will know if this man is the real dash dunning. Aah!
We now return to still more of "Fraternity Row."
Roxy: Oh, Nigella. You knew that Durwood was Briana's father and you didn't say anything? And then when Briana and Brandon, which is her brother, were doing the dirty --
Durwood: Please understand, Lorraine. We've been enemies, friends, and now, at last -- frenemies! I didn't want to ruin that, so I didn't tell you -- for your sake.
Roxy: Oh, honey. That is such a crock, and, Durwood! You didn't say anything?
Durwood: Don't look at me. I fell down a hole.
Roxy: Some hole. You still betrayed me.
Gilda: Ha! What about how you betrayed him?
Moon: Jane? Look! I knew Jonathan had been sleeping with someone behind my back. I found this hair in his bed, and it's not even mine.
Jane: Well, look at this, moon.
Moon: That's a hair.
Jane: Oh, yeah! I found this in Benjamin's bed. And this one in Mazda's.
Moon: [Gasps] Poor Roxanne! Wait a minute. That long, blond hair looks a lot Roxanne's.
Jane: But Roxanne's such a nice person.
Moon: What if the girl that has been scrogging with our boyfriends is Roxanne?!
Ruby: Who are you calling Roxanne, college girls?
Moon: Oh! No! Ruby bright! You're Roxanne's slutty alternate that she named after her twin sister that died at birth! How was the alpha house party last night? It was fun, wasn't it?
Ruby: How should I know?
Jane: Admit it, Roxanne! You were there and you slept with the Mazda brothers. Or at least some of them. Bitch, admit it.
Roxanne: Oh, no. Was I ruby bright?
Jane: Yeah. Kind of.
Roxanne: [Sighs] Oh, no.
Moon: We found three blond hairs at the frat house bedroom, and we think they're ruby's, and we think that she slept with our boyfriends, and your boyfriend, too.
Roxanne: Could Mazda be cheating on me --with me?
Jane: There's only one way to find out.
Moon: [Gasps] A DNA test!
Maury: Don't' screw it up. Don't screw it up. Don't screw it up. Don't screw it up. Don't -- [Screams, whines] Hey! Watch out! You almost made me lose my chest hair. I can't afford to screw up another DNA test.
Brandon: Did you say "DNA test"?
Brandon: We need to know if we're brother and sister.
Briana: 'Cause we're sleeping together.
Maury: Sure. No problem. Just need a sample. Take off your shirts.
Brandon: Whoa. That seems unnecessary.
Maury: Well, it's hospital policy.
Brandon: Yeah? Well, that policy seems gratuitous. Babe?
Dash: Ladies, I'm totally flattered, but --
Murphy: We belong together. We have a past, remember?
Macy: We, like, totally got shipwrecked on that island. Good times, right?
Dash: Believe me, there's more than enough of me to go around, but, sadly, there's only one dash Durham.
Dash: Only one dash dur-- dunning.
Murphy: Macy, we cannot fall for this guy again.
Macy: You are totally right, Murphy. Why not?
Murphy: Well, what if he's not the real dash dunning?
Murphy: What if the real dash dunning -- the one that we know and we love -- is out there somewhere in danger? What if he's being held somewhere in that undisclosed location?
Macy: But who would do that to him? Or to him? Or to us? Who could be that cold, that cruel, that evil?!
We now return yet again to even more "Fraternity Row."
Durwood: Is this true, Lorraine? You had an affair while I was down the hole?
Roxy: I swear I didn't. At least not that I know of. Anyway, you fell through the corn thresher.
Durwood: Who was it?! Tell me true! Who cuckolded me?!
Gilda: Tell him, miss Lorraine. Admit it.
Roxy: Admit what?
Gilda: You're a sinner!
Nigella: An adulteress!
Gregor: A slattern!
Durwood: A perfidious, bed-hopping termagant!
Roxy: I don't even know what that means. I got to get out of here!
Durwood: Yes! Go! Run! Run to your fancy man!
Roxy: Oh, Gildy. You got to help me. I mean, who is this guy? 'Cause if I sin with someone, I want to know who it was. So, I'm gonna find this guy and I'm gonna end it.
Gilda: Go to this address. All will be revealed.
Roxy: Thank you.
[Elevator bell dings]
[Elevator bell dings]
Jane: Help! Oh, my goodness! We need a "Danah" test.
Maury: Take off your shirts.
Roxanne: That seems gratuitous.
Maury: Hospital policy.
Starr: But we already have our samples. We just need to find out who are boyfriends are cheating on us with.
Jane: Yeah. And it might be with her.
Roxanne: And I need to find who my boyfriend is cheating on me with, and it might be with me.
Maury: Your boyfriend is cheating on you with you?
Gregor: Gilda! Are you completely nuts? How could you tell master Durwood that Lorraine is cheating on him?! We could lose our place. I could lose my uniform. We will end up on the streets, dancing for deutsche marks.
Gilda: Well! Well! I couldn't not hold it in any longer after holding it for so long. Oh, my head! It hurts! It hurts!
Gregor: Believe me, I don't care about your head. What about our jobs?
Gilda: Do you think I care about our jobs? That woman -- working for that woman, miss Lorraine! She makes me clean her toilets with a toothbrush. And what she makes me do to unmentionables -- it's unmentionable. Somebody had to tell the truth about that woman at last. And it had to be me-e-e-e-e-e-e- [Voice deepens] E-e-e!
Durwood: Gilda! What is the matter with you?
Gilda: [Deep voice] I am not Gilda. I am Matilda!
Gregor: Ach, du lieber! Again?!
Roxanne: It's an unfortunate non-hereditary ailment that I inherited from my mother.
Jane: Oh, no, no, no, no.
Moon: Sweetie. No.
Roxanne: But we must learn the truth, even if it turns out that I'm my own other woman.
Maury: Well -- no, no, no! Stop! Stop! Stop! You're mixing up my hairs! [Sobs]
Dash: [Crying] I don't understand! If I'm not dash dunning, wouldn't I know?!
Macy: I know, right?
Murphy: Unless, of course, you were brainwashed by the evil genius who's holding the real dash dunning in an undisclosed location.
Trenee: I never wanted this, but I was a single mother, forced to raise a child all alone. What choice did I have but to join a rogue branch of the C.I.A.? You were different. Special. But you've failed me. You didn't have it. And I need it. Even though I don't remember what it is. Which is why -- I'll have to eliminate you.
[Punches, kicks landing]
Dash: Who the hell is this evil genius?
Macy: We believe it's, like, someone who works for a totally rogue C.I.A. Organization.
Dash: What's a totally rogue C.I.A. Organization?
Macy: Something so secret, yet so brazen they have their own logo.
Murphy: Damn it!
Macy: [Sighing] Oh.
Murphy: I need those DNA test results.
Briana: Incest? That's a pretty big obstacle.
Brandon: Shh. Think of it this way. If we look on the bright side, we're as close as two people can be.
Briana: Lovers -- and siblings.
Both: DNA results.
Briana: Moon? Jane?
Roxanne: What are you guys doing here?
Brandon: Well, we're here to find out if we're really brother and sister.
Briana: That's right. I guess we're finally ready to face the truth.
Jane: You can say that again.
Dash: Where's this DNA dude?
Maury: The DNA dude is here. Okay. Okay. You are the man who may or may not be who he thinks he is. And you are the brother and sister. And you are the nutjob who may be cheating on herself. Enjoy your DNA test results! I hope I didn't screw that up.
We now return yet again to even more "Fraternity Row."
Roxanne: Well, at least Mazda isn't cheating on me with me. I don't match my own hair.
Jane: But all of our boyfriends are cheating on us with someone.
Moon: Those blond hairs didn't get in that bedroom by themselves.
Maury: Actually --
Moon: [Gasps, screams]
Maury: --All three samples were a genetic match for someone already in our system.
Moon: So all of our boyfriends --
Jane: Are cheating on us with the same woman?
Roxanne: Who is this trollop?
Jonathan: What the hell?
Mazda: You got to get out of here. I'm waiting for my chick.
Jonathan: What are you guys doing here? I'm waiting for my chick.
Roxy: Uh -- [Chuckles] Am in the wrong place?
Roxy: Are you talking to me?
Benjamin: You got that right, baby.
Mazda: And you're in exactly the right place.
Jonathan: And I'm gonna prove it to you.
[All inhale deeply]
Roxanne: Our boyfriends --
Jane: Are sleeping with --
Moon: Brandon's mother?!
Roxanne: This is so not happening. Let's go tell that old floozy to keep away from our boyfriends.
Gregor: Why are you back after all this time?
Durwood: Who the devil is this Matilda?
Gilda: That would be me, boss man!
Gregor: Matilda is one of Gilda's alters. Believe me, it's a horrible affliction that she passed on to our daughter, Roxanne.
Nigella: I thought she was integrated.
Gilda: It did not work. Gilda could not hold me in any longer. The truth must be told.
Durwood: Then you know the truth, Matilda. You know the truth of the person that was having an affair with my wife behind my back. You're going to tell me. You will tell me. Now!
Benjamin: You were an alley cat last night, baby.
Roxy: Uh --
Jonathan: I know how you like it, and I'm ready to give it to you.
Mazda: Don't waste your time with them. Pick me.
Roxy: Huh? Christmas is coming a little early this year. Oh, no. Stop! I'm a married woman! [Gasps]
Dean blight: Mrs. Beaumont!
Roxy: This is not what it looks like.
Dean blight: What it looks like is a trustee of the university is having group sex on Fraternity Row!
Roxy: Relax. Nobody's having sex. At least, not yet.
Gilda: Yes! I will tell you. I will tell you who your precious Lorraine is having this affair with. It's --
Dash: Where's my sister?
Durwood: She ran off with her gigolo.
Dash: I need to find her. I need to tell her that I'm the real Dash Dunning. My DNA proves it.
Macy: I still don't get it. If he's the real Dash Dunning, then who's the one that's being holed up in that undisclosed location?
That would be me!
I'm the real dash Dunning.
And now the tantalizing conclusion of "Fraternity Row."
Dash: Nice try, buddy. But you're not me. I'm me. I know because I have a DNA test.
Yeah, well, so do I.
I swiped it from our mother's desk.
Macy: What does it say?
Roxanne: What's going on?
Dash: Guess what, sis -- I'm really me.
And I'm really him, too!
Murphy: Yes, it's true. There are two Dash Dunnings. They have identical DNA. They're twins.
Roxanne: What? Are you crazy? How could they be twins? He is so much -- taller.
Our mother is an evil genius. Anything is possible. She manipulated us so one of us can take over the other one's life.
Macy: That woman is totally going down for her crimes.
Trenee: Where is he?!
Macy: Ohh! Aah! Ohh! Aah!
Trenee: I thought I killed you.
Dash: Luckily, you didn't succeed.
Trenee: Well, don't blame me. I'm not the boss. She is.
Roxy: What? Me? What are you talking about?
Macy: All right, lady. Put your hands up in the air.
Murphy: Reach for the sky!
Roxy: Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.
Brandon: Mother, mother. We have the most astonishing news. Briana and I aren't brother and sister after all.
Roxy: Oh, good, 'cause that was so not sitting right with me at all.
Briana: But, mother, you told me Durwood was my father.
Nigella: And he is. I swear! Can someone explain this madness?
Gilda: I can! Yeah. That would be me.
Roxy: Yo, Gilda. What's with the voice?
Gilda: I'm not Gilda, you idiot. I'm Matilda. And you. You are my child.
Nigella: No. That's a lie. Briana is my love child with Durwood.
Gilda: Love child mein arsch! Briana is mine. Gilda could not handle the stress of the pregnancy, so I emerged, und I delivered twins. I kept one and I gave one to Nigella. Nigella wasn't even pregnant. Nigella's pregnancy was all in her kopf. But I let her think that Briana was hers und Durwood's.
Durwood: Matilda -- Gilda. How could you do such a thing?
Gilda: It was not my idea. It was miss Lorraine's idea. She did not think that Gilda could handle the housework if she was taking care of twins.
Durwood: Lorraine -- how could you?
Gilda: You do not deserve to wear the family jewels.
Roxy: Oh, come on. I swear I didn't do anything.
Macy: We got some jewels for you right here -- silver bracelets for your wrists!
Briana: Good news, Roxanne. We're twins.
Roxanne: That's totally cool.
Dash: So are we.
Roxanne: That's ridiculous. His eyes are brown and yours are hazel.
Dash: It happens.
Murphy: All right, toots. Let's go.
Moon: You're the one that's been having sex with our three boyfriends.
Jane: Yeah. We know because she sheds like a malamute.
Durwood: Good God, Lorraine! One man wasn't enough for you? You had to have three?
Roxy: Durwood, I didn't. I swear.
[All inhale deeply]
Roxanne: Lorraine, we --
Moon: Are going --
Jane: To kill you.
Mazda: We won't let you kill her!
David: You okay?
Roxy: Durwood, don't let them kill me.
David: Durwood? Roxy, it's me -- David.
Roxy: What happened? Where is everyone?
David: Uh, well, you passed out when you found out that "Fraternity Row" taped its last scene.
Roxy: Was it just a dream? So, I'm not Lorraine?
David: [Chuckles] Lorraine?
Roxy: Oh. I -- I guess I'm not.
David: [Laughing] Come on, Roxy. Let's get you home. Hey, listen. I know how much that show meant to you, but it's over. Let's get out of here.
Roxy: Let me just get my purse. [Chuckles]
David: Come on. Let's go.
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