OLTL Transcript Monday 3/28/11

One Life to Live Transcript Monday 3/28/11


Episode # 10903

Provided By Suzanne
Proofread By Kathy

Phyllis: The war-torn country was thrilled by Brangelina's visit. And speaking of "bearing arms," Cristian Vega, Llanview's sharing bracelets with none other than local ambulance chaser Kassandra Kavanaugh-- that's right, with two "K"s.

Cristian: But I didn't do anything.

Kassandra: I wouldn't have done anything if he hadn't done it first.

Cristian: I need to talk to my lawyer.

Kassandra: I am a lawyer. And you can't keep us cuffed together like this. It's unconstitutional.

Cop: Yeah, well, you should've thought of that before you hooked up with your partner in crime here.

Cristian: You know, this is all your fault.

Kassandra: My fault?

Cristian: Yeah. If I hadn't met you, none of this would've happened.

Kassandra: Well, you're the one who opened your big mouth.

Cristian: And that's the last time I do anything for you.

Kassandra: Promise?

Cristian: Don't worry. As soon as my friend gets here with my bail, you'll never see me again.

Kassandra: Who did you call?

Blair: Cristian?

Cristian: Blair. Thank God.

Blair: What is going on? I can't believe that you got arrested. What happened?

Cristian: Ask her.

Phyllis: And now on to a couple who wants to get hitched. Always the bride, never a newlywed. Mayor Dorian Lord is once again betrothed. The man with the death wish is none other than David Vickers Buchanan. Now, for those of you keeping score, this is the same David who already left Dorian at the altar--twice. Is the third time the charm, or is devilish David going for a three-peat?

Rama: Ha ha!

David: There isn't going to be a wedding. I can't marry you.

Viki: That's not funny, David.

David: It's not a joke.

Dorian: What are you saying, David? Are you leaving me at the altar again?

Phyllis: Wedding bells might be ringing for prodigal Buke son David, but the rest of the clan might hear bells of a different sort. That's right, audience, stay tuned for part two of my special edition of "Access Llanview: The Buchanans: A family under siege." We'll delve deeper into the crisis that pits the progeny against their patriarch. Ask not for whom the bell tolls. Clint, it tolls for thee.

Nora: After I walked away, I heard a noise. It was the door. Then I turned around and I saw...

Bo: Who? Who did you see?

Nora: I can't remember. Why can't I remember who I saw?

Rex: Oh, my God.

Carl: Line? Line? What's my line?

Rex: Wait, wait! No! Go back! Rewind! Freeze that! That!

Rex: That's it! We got him!

Phyllis: And if a house divided cannot stand, what about a head? Darling debutante daughter Jessica is going by another name these days-- the terrible Tess. And I hear she's traded in her Navy Seal for a spankin' new Ford.

Rama: Hmm. Oh, yeah, baby.

Brody: Tess shoplifted a watch from Logan's.

Ford: What?

Brody: Where is she?

Ford: I don't know. She went out.

Brody: Could she be with Cutter Wentworth?

Ford: Doesn't seem like a bad guess to me. She seems to prefer his company. Not that I mind.

Brody: You son of a-- the guy is obviously a player. How could you let her go near him?

Ford: What do you want me to do? I told her to stay away from him. You try controlling Tess.

Tess: You likey?

Jessica: What is going on? What are you doing?

Cutter: What do you mean what am I doing?

Jessica: What is going on? Where am I?

Cutter: Tess, are you o--

Jessica: What did you just say?

Cutter: Tess...

Jessica: Oh, my God. Tess is back?

Phyllis: One minute she's Jess, the next minute she's Tess. Maybe we should just call her “mess.” Which of these personalities will come out on top? I guess you'll just have to stay tuned.

Cutter: All right. Everything's okay.

Jessica: How long has Tess been out? And what does she-- you're Aubrey's brother.

Cutter: Look, you just came in here like a minute ago.

Jessica: And what? We started making out? What else did you do?

Cutter: No. Nothing. Nothing. I swear. I swear.

[Cell phone ringing]

Jessica: Oh, my God. Tess. What have you been up to?

Ford: The judge is not gonna grant us custody of this kid with you in jail.

[Knocking on door]

Ford: And if I lose my son, this marriage goes bye-bye. And you go back to St. Ann's in a nice, padded cell, and I go back to Langst—

David: Leave you at the altar? How could you even think that?

Dorian: It wouldn't be the first time.

Viki: Or the second.

David: After everything that we've been through, how could you think that I would be so cruel, so heartless, so-- unobservant? We're in a courthouse, for crying out loud. There isn't an altar. How could I leave you at an altar if there's no altar to leave you at?

Dorian: You are standing me up again. After we've reunited, after you made me every promise under the sun. After you made me trust you again. All of that just to humiliate me?

Viki: Explain, David.

David: Dorian, I don't want to hurt you. That's the last thing I want to do. But this marriage can't happen. Not now.

Dorian: Why not?

David: Because of the call that I just received.

Dorian: What call? From whom?

David: Bev Altman.

Dorian: There's another woman.

Phyllis: Jessica's in pieces, but who's responsible for turning this heiress into Humpty Dumpty? Looks like big daddy himself Clint Buchanan, who's traded in his white hat for a black one. Or so I hear around the campfire. Gather round, gentle viewers, and Phyllis will tell you a tale of sex, money, betrayal, and murder.

Clint: Turn it up.

Rama: Aah!

Phyllis: All the deputies at the LPD are earning their spurs-- on the trail of who killed Eddie Ford. And they've upgraded Clint from person of interest to suspect numero uno.                                                                                

Rex: So, Clint... you really did it, didn't you? My father is a murderer.

Rick: Buddy, are you okay?

Rex: Yeah, thanks. So if you could just pop that baby out and hand it over, I will let you guys get back to making the...

Rick: Hey, I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but this footage isn't going anywhere.

Rex: This is evidence in a murder investigation.

Rick: It's also my B-roll.

Rex: So shoot more!

Rick: Do you have any idea how much it costs?

Rex: Bill it to the city.

Rick: No way. Unless...

Rex: Unless what?

Rick: I'll give you the DVD... if you join the cast of "Hold the Pepperoni IV."

Cutter: Listen. Jessica, you don't have to worry because whatever Tess was gonna do, we didn't do.

Jessica: Because I came out and thank God I did. Seriously. What were you thinking? I have met you. Your sister is marrying my brother. This is not a person. Tess is a symptom.

Cutter: Look, I'm sorry.

Jessica: Look, just save it, okay? I have to get back to my family, my--my baby. Ryder.

Cutter: Maybe we should call your family first.

Dorian: Just who is this Bev Altman? Is she rich? Is she younger than I am? Is she blonde?

David: Yes, no, sometimes in the summer.

Dorian: Money. That's all you're after.

David: Are you kidding? If money was all that I was after, I would've gone after Viki. She's got a lot more money than you do.

Viki: You're not helping.

David: I'm not after Bev's money, okay? How could you possibly think that I would leave you for my agent?

Dorian and Viki: Your agent?

David: Of course you've heard of Bev Altman. Beverly Altman? Of Altman and Altman? It's the second-highest-rated talent agency in Van Nuys.

Dorian: David, why would she be calling you? I thought your acting days were over.

David: So did I, baby, but apparently, there's a Hollywood producer. He heard about my imprisonment in Morocco. Wants to make a movie about me. Guess who he wants to play the starring role?

Viki: Tuc Watkins.

Dorian: Oh, he's good.

David: No. That guy's a hack. They want me to play me!

Kassandra: This was all just a big misunderstanding.

Cristian: That you caused.

Kassandra: Me? Can you please tell him I had nothing to do with this?

Blair: Sure. Who are you?

Kassandra: Kassandra Kavanaugh. With two "K"s.

Blair: Whatever. How did you get cuffed to my friend here?

Kassandra: Well, it all started when--

Cristian: I'll tell her. It all started at the gym.

Kassandra's voice: Careful. You wouldn't want to pull something.

Cristian's voice: I'm okay. Thanks.

Kassandra's voice: Never seen form like that before.

Cristian's voice: It's good for your right jab.

Kassandra's voice: You box?

Cristian's voice: I used to.

Kassandra's voice: You might need me someday. Kassandra Kavanaugh. With two "K”s.

Cristian's voice: Personal injury attorney?

Kassandra's voice: Never know when you might need one. Mind if I use this?

Cristian's voice: Go right ahead.

Man's voice: Hey, that's my bench.

Kassandra's voice: I didn't see you on it.

Man's voice: I'm always on it.

Kassandra's voice: That explains the neck muscles.

Man's voice: This is my bench. Why don't you go play on the girls' bikes, okay?

Cristian's voice: Hey, listen. The lady was here first.

Man's voice: Was I talking to you?

Kassandra's voice: The lady doesn't need any help.

Man's voice: You heard the broad.

Cristian's voice: She's not a broad.

Kassandra's voice: I can take care of myself. What, you think because you're a boxer you need to defend my honor?

Man's voice: This guy's a boxer?

Cristian's voice: It's got nothing to do with being a boxer.

Kassandra's voice: Let's hope not, with form like that.

Cristian's voice: What are you talking about? I have perfect form. Do you want to see?

Kassandra's voice: Oh, snap! This is getting interesting.

Blair: You punched him, Cristian?

Cristian: It was an accident.

Kassandra: Oh, and he's got perfect form.

Cristian: It had nothing to do with form.

Blair: Okay, do I need to separate the two of you? All right. If you punched him, why did you get arrested?

Phyllis: But the question remains--why would Clint Buchanan send Eddie Ford back to the dealership in the sky? And if he was the one to pull the trigger, will the LPD find the evidence to prove it? Well, Llanview, the sheriff's in town, and Bo Buchanan won't rest until this case is closed, even if that means putting his big brother behind bars.

Nora: Damn it, Bo, I'm so sorry.

Bo: Just take your time.

Nora: But what if it was Clint? What if I actually saw Clint leaving Eddie's motel room? What if I'm the witness that we need to put Clint away?

Bo: Even if you did see Clint, I don't think it'd hold up.

Nora: Oh, no, of course not. You're absolutely right. Clint's lawyers would just argue diminished capacity, you know? My brain addled from the accident. Oh, hell, that's what I'd say.

Bo: We need something else. We need hard evidence.

Rex: I can't join the cast of "Hold the Pepperoni." Not that I'm not flattered... and a little curious.

Rick: Then you can't have the DVD.

Rex: I don't think you understand.

Rick: No. You don't understand. The actor playing the pivotal role of the pizza delivery guy-- the very conveyer of the titular pepperoni--completely flaked. Without you, the entire "htp" franchise is finished.

Rex: Well, I am sorry to hear that, I really am, but I have a son and a girlfriend who mean the world to me. This would kill them.

Rick: Who says they have to know?

Rex: There's also a guy out there who's counting on me to get this DVD. And this man, he's been like a dad to me. He's been there for me since day one, even though I don't deserve it. He's there for me no matter what. And I finally did something that I've always been afraid of doing, and that's let him down. So if you give me this DVD, it won't necessarily heal our relationship, but it will at least prove to him that I'm not a lost cause. And if he finds out that I've compromised myself to get this DVD, then that's exactly what I'll be. So please. Have a heart.

Rick: That's beautiful, man. Go with God.

Rex: Thanks! I won't forget this.

Rick: Wait! Wait! Wait! If you change your mind. You're a born actor, kid, and I think that you can bring a certain gravitas to the pizza boy delivery milieu not seen since Ron Jeremy.

Brody: What did you do to her?

Cutter: Nothing, man. I don't even know what's going on.

Brody: Come on, Tess. We're getting you out of here.

Jessica: No, Brody. It's me. It's Jessica.

Brody: Jessica?

Jessica: Back. I'm back.

Cristian: So you gonna tell her or what?

Kassandra: Of course. I was protecting my reputation.

Cristian: Shooting her mouth off was more like it.

Kassandra: Oh, and you're one to talk?

Cristian: How can I ever talk with you here?

Blair: Okay, okay. Just one of you just kind of tell me what happened.

Cristian: Well, I had just punched the guy.

Kassandra: Mick. His name was Mick, and he was a real son of a bitch.

Mick's voice: What the hell's wrong with you?

Cristian's voice: Sorry. Didn't mean to.

Mick's voice: You didn't mean to?

Kassandra's voice: That looks bad. You're gonna need some medical attention for that.

Cristian's voice: What are you doing?

Kassandra's voice: Kassandra Kavanaugh, with two "K"s.

Cristian's voice: You're giving him your card?

Kassandra's voice: Broken jaw. I can get him at least 6 figures for that.

Cristian's voice: And you think I have that kind of money?

Kassandra's voice: The gym'll be good for half of it.

Mick's voice: Sounds good to me.

Cristian's voice: You can't do this.

Kassandra's voice: I'm a personal injury attorney, remember?

Mick's voice: An ambulance chaser. I like it.

Kassandra's voice: What'd you call me?

Mick's voice: An ambulance chaser. Why? What are you gonna do about it, sweetheart?

Kassandra: What can I say? My reputation's important to me.

Cristian: And you think you're helping it with these handcuffs?

Kassandra: My firm will have these charges dropped before we even get to arraignment.

Cop: Time to go.

Cristian: Looks like they're a little late. Listen, my friend's got my bail. Does she need to come with us?

Cop: What do you mean? You're not getting arraigned.

Nora: So what do we have on Clint?

Bo: Well, other than Joey seeing Eddie with him at the house and Inez's testimony to his role in the kidnapping, your kidnapping...

Nora: Not much.

Bo: Not much.

Nora: Hmm. Okay. Well. So that's it.

Bo: No, it isn't.

Nora: Yeah, it is. Bo, unless we get something new, Clint is gonna remain out of our reach.

Rex: There!

Bo: Aha!

Nora: What is it?

Rex: DVD.

Bo: I know. I can see that. What's on this?

Rex: Proof that Clint killed Eddie Ford.

Clint: I've heard enough. So are you enjoying your stay?

Rama: I don't enjoy being apart from my husband.

Clint: Yeah, the separation is taking a toll. I could tell that at breakfast when you requested more mimosas.

Rama: We all cope in our different ways.

Clint: Is Vimal aware of your deep suffering or is he too busy making license plates to return your call?

Rama: You know what? I would watch my tone if I was you. Vimal is in jail serving a sentence that's meant for you. And with one word from me, that could all change.

Clint: Well, that might get Vimal out of jail, but then the both of you would be out on the street. No, wait a minute. You still have Aubrey to protect you, don't you?

Rama: Aubrey's been very kind to me.

Clint: I find that interesting, because I got the distinct impression that you and my daughter-in-law were not the best of friends, and so that raises the question why would Aubrey stick her neck out for you? Is it because you have something on Aubrey and her supposed brother?

Brody: It's you? It's really you?

Jessica: I just got here.

Cutter: Look. She showed up, like, two minutes ago, just threw herself at me, and then all of a sudden she's...

Brody: Just shut up.

Cutter: Dr. Jekyll.

Jessica: Brody, how long has Tess been out?

Brody: Come on. Just let me get you home.

Jessica: No. Tell me how long?

Brody: Since the wedding, over a month ago.

Jessica: What?

Brody: It's okay now, though. You're back. Everything is gonna be fine.

Jessica: Okay. I just want to go home. I just want to see Bree and Ryder.

Brody: Uh, we can't.

Jessica: Why? Why? Did Tess do something? Is Ryder okay?

Brody: Ryder is fine, but, Jess, he's not at home. Ryder is with Ford.

Langston: Is Tess here?

Ford: No. No. Come in.

Langston: Thanks. How's Ryder?

Ford: He's good. He's really good. You want to see him?

Langston: If you don't mind, I'd rather not.

Ford: Sure. I understand. We should talk.

Langston: I didn't come here to talk.

Ford: We can fix things. The judge is about to rule on who gets custody of Ryder. Once that's finished--

Langston: We're not getting back together. I didn't come here for a reunion. I came to give you this.

Ford: I gave you that for Christmas.

Langston: I know. I'm giving it back.

David: Dorian, it's really exciting. The studio is fast-tracking the project. They want to fly me to Vancouver immediately to start filming. Guess who my first scene is with. Brian Dennehy. He's playing Bo, and Bev said that they're trying to get somebody really horrible to play Clint, maybe Mel Gibson, and for the role of Dorian, they got an offer out to Angelina Jolie.

Dorian: Susan Sarandon would be better.

David: Are you kidding? Nobody could hold a candle to you. What do you think?

Dorian: You're leaving me for a part in a movie.

David: Not a part in a movie, my movie about me. Dorian, I'm not leaving you. I'm taking a job.

Dorian: But you're not marrying me.

David: Oh, I'm marrying you. I'm just not marrying you right now. Believe me, come hell, high water, Clint Buchanan, or another writers strike, I am marrying you. I dream about marrying you, but I also dream about doing something really important in this country-- being famous. Can't I have both? Think about this. What about this? As soon as the film stops shooting, you and I, we get married. We walk hand in hand husband and wife down the red carpet of the premiere. What do you think about that? Dorian, listen to me. I love you. You mean more to me than any dream. So if this plan doesn't work for you, I'll call Bev. I'll tell her to recast, recast someone shorter than me but recast nonetheless.

Dorian: I'm sorry. This plan just doesn't work for me.

Phyllis: And we're back. How you doing? Look. I've got major scoop on the Kardashians, duckies, but first, this just in from the LPD. Cristian Vega and Kassandra Kavanaugh are still in custody, and my spies tell me things are not going well.

Kassandra: You can't hold us here without an arraignment.

Cop: That's what they tell me.

Cristian: What are you doing?

Cop: You are free to go.

Blair: Just like that?

Cristian: Blair, don't argue with the man.

Kassandra: I told you I'd get out of here.

Cop: Not you, just him.

Kassandra: What?

Cristian: Why?

Cop: Apparently, the guy is not pressing charges.

Blair: Why not?

Cristian: Blair, really?

Cop: He's at the hospital right now having his jaw wired shut, and he didn't want anybody to know that a guy smaller than him beat him up.

Cristian: Well, that's pretty much the entire population.

Kassandra: Wait a minute. He doesn't want anyone to know that he got beat up by a guy smaller than him, but he's okay with them knowing he got beat up by a woman?

Cop: He figures it was worth it.

Kassandra: To keep me in jail?

Cop: He really doesn't like you.

Blair: So can we go?

Cristian: I'm thinking maybe I should stay.

Kassandra: It's fine, really.

Cristian: I feel like I got you into this.

Kassandra: That's because you did.

Cristian: So maybe I know a way out.

Viki: Dorian, look at it this way. You've waited this long to get married. Surely, you can wait a little longer while David makes his movie...

David: Actually, Viki, it's more of a film.

Viki: And that'll give you time to plan a proper wedding, a real blowout of a wedding, the kind of wedding you deserve.

David: Come on. What do you say?

Dorian: Sorry, but this whole plan just doesn't work for me. David, you have a movie to make. You have a story to tell, and it should be told as only you can tell it.

David: But you said the plan didn't work for you.

Dorian: It doesn't because I don't intend to wait one more minute to marry you.

David: What do you mean?

Dorian: I mean, we're getting hitched tout de suite, Cheri.

David: But the judge isn't here. Pa isn't here. Brian Dennehy is in makeup.

Dorian: I'm the mayor of this town. I say, you don't leave this courthouse unless you're wearing a ring. Ha ha ha!

Rex: That right there is what some adult-oriented industries would call the money shot--Clint red-handed.

Nora: That must have been what I saw.

Bo: Looks that way.

Rex: What are you talking about? What does that mean?

Nora: It means, I'm gonna get an arrest warrant with Clint's name on it.

[Telephone rings]

Bo: Yeah, and I'm gonna make the arrest. Buchanan.

Viki: Oh, Bo, it's Viki. We need you at the courthouse right away. David and Dorian are getting married tout de suite.

Bo: I'll be there. Honey, how long will it take you to get a warrant?

Nora: About 20 minutes.

Bo: All right. Meet me at the courthouse.

Nora: I think what Bo meant to say...

Bo: Hey, Balsom, you did good.

Nora: Was that.

Rama: I don't know what you're talking about. Aubrey and I have been friends for a very long time. She invited me to stay here out of the goodness of her heart.

Clint: Aubrey has a cash register where her heart should be. Rama, do you really want to throw in with a gold-digger like her?

Rama: What other alternatives do I have?

Clint: Work with me.

Rama: No, thank you. I've seen what you do to your employees.

Clint: Please don't be hasty. The wrong answer has consequences.

Rama: Really? Consequences? Such as? Will you kill me like you killed Eddie Ford?

Ford: I thought you liked it.

Langston: I did.

Ford: Not anymore, huh?

Langston: I can't keep it.

Ford: Because you broke up with me? You really hate me that much?

Langston: I don't hate you, but I can't wear this, not without thinking about all the money you spent on it could be better used on diapers and formula.

Ford: Hey, Ryder and I can make do.

Langston: Yeah, pushing hot dogs? Look. I know Ryder has a trust fund coming, but that can't pay for everything.

Ford: It was my gift to you.

Langston: And now it's my gift to Ryder. Please, I can't have it. Just keep it. Return it, whatever. Hell, give it to Tess.

Jessica: Ryder is with Ford? Why?

Brody: It's complicated.

Jessica: Why isn't he with you or my parents? Ford doesn't even want Ryder.

Brody: He changed his mind.

Jessica: And you just let him have him?

Brody: No. Tess did.

Jessica: What do you mean, Tess?

Brody: Natalie was out with Ryder. She didn't know Tess had resurfaced. Tess tricked Natalie, took off with Ryder, and your parents are trying to sue for custody, but--

Jessica: Okay, okay. It doesn't matter. I'm just gonna go home. I'm gonna get him. Ryder needs his mother.

Brody: Uh, there's something else you need to know first about you and Ford.

Jessica: What about me and Ford?

Brody: You're married.

Ford: Lang, I wish you'd keep this... but I understand why you can't.

Langston: I have to go. I have a paper to write.

Ford: You know, it's funny. Not too long ago, I was grading papers, trying to inspire my students. Now I'm trying to inspire burps.

Langston: You're a new man, a good one, too.

Ford: Well, if that's true, it's because of you.

Langston: It's because of Ryder. You've changed ever since that little boy came into your life. I could see it. You have this new sense of purpose. It's like you found this meaning you didn't even know you were missing. I envy you.

Ford: What, 3 a.m. feedings and changing diapers?

Langston: You know what I mean. Seeing you with your son, it made me realize that there's still something out there for me, something that'll fulfill me the way Ryder does for you.

Ford: Well, I hope you find it.

Langston: I hope you get custody of Ryder.

Jessica: Tess married Ford?

Brody: In Las Vegas using your name.

Jessica: Why? Why would she do that? All she talks about is wanting her freedom. Why does she want a husband and a baby?

Brody: Tess cut Ford a deal. If he married her, she'd help him get custody of Ryder. He'd keep her out of St. Ann's. They both get control of Ryder's trust fund.

Jessica: Oh, my God, well, that sure as hell is not happening. We're gonna get this stupid marriage annulled, and I'm gonna make sure he never sees Ryder ever again. God, can you get this stupid thing off of me?

Brody: All right. We will. I will cut if off if we have to, but all that matters now is that you're back.

Jessica: You're right. Let's go. Let's go and see our son.

Cutter: Good luck, guys. Come back anytime.

Cutter: Hmm.

Rex: No, no, no. That was the fourth film in the series. The third one was called "The Search for--" well, it rhymes with "Spock." What? The details are important.

Nora: Oh, for God's sake, all right. Submitted this day, district attorney Nora Hanen Buchanan. All right. Now all I have to do is get the judge to sign it and deliver it to Bo.

Rex: Great. What else can I do to help?

Nora: Oh, my gosh, I think you have done plenty. You really came through for Bo.

Rex: Well, I'm not done. I have a lot to make up for, and I really want to see this thing through.

Nora: Are you sure, Rex? You know the only way this is gonna end is with Clint behind bars, and he is your father.

Rex: Clint is no father of mine. He's getting what he deserves, and I want to be there to see him get it.

David: Pa! You made it, Pa.

Bo: Yeah. Sorry I'm late, son, but I had to arrange your wedding present.

David: Is it a trophy case for my egot?

Bo: Wha--no. I don't think--no. It isn't, but I swear, you are gonna love it just as much.

David: Come on.

Bo: Okay.

Clint: Rama, don't believe everything you see on television.

Rama: I believe my instincts, and my instincts tell me that you have very little to offer and that you'll have even less once your brother brings you to justice.

Dorian: Thank you.

Judge: Dearly beloved, we--

Dorian: Excuse me. I'm so sorry to interrupt, Your Honor, but I'm afraid we're on the clock here.

David: Yeah. We've been through this a couple of times before. "We're gathered here today, yada, yada, yada," exchange the rings, time for the vows. Ladies first.

Dorian: Oh, the rings. Good reminder, and I hadn't really thought about what I'm going to say.

Viki: Speak from your heart.

David: Or just say what you were gonna say the first time or the second.

Dorian: David... I take your hand, and I offer you this ring in token of my promise. I can't promise you much more than this. I am going to love you until I take my last breath.

David: Okay. Pa, the ring.

Bo: Sure, sure.

David: Dorian, the prisons in Morocco are really hot, and they smell. They do a number on your skin. Did I tell you that I got foot rot? They can do a real number on your head. I shouldn't even be alive. At the very least, I can't believe I'm even sane. I should've come out of there with multiple personalities. I'm as sane as I can be, and I'm alive. I'm alive because my pa rescued me--thanks again, Pa-- and the reason I'm alive, Dorian, is because I had you to come home to. When I was in there, I thought about you, nothing but you. You kept me sane. Dorian, you're the reason I'm alive. I think that's good. I should probably stop now.

Judge: Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

David: Oh, how shall I. Mm.

Cristian: Okay. It's all taken care of.

Kassandra: What did you do?

Cop: You're free to go.

Kassandra: What? What happened?

Cop: The guy just dropped the charges, something about not wanting to get sued for wrongful arrest.

Kassandra: Wrongful arrest?

Cristian: Kassandra Kavanaugh's specialty. Never lost a case, payouts in the low 6 figures.

Kassandra: Except that's not my specialty.

Cristian: Luckily, he didn't remember that.

Cop: Ma'am, I just need you to sign for your things.

Kassandra: Oh, sure.

Blair: Wow, Cristian. That was a really nice thing you just did.

Cristian: It was the least I could do.

Kassandra: Listen. I just wanted to say thank you.

Cristian: No problem.

Kassandra: It was fun working out with you.

Cristian: Even if we didn't actually work out?

Kassandra: I just wanted to give you this.

Cristian: I already have one of these.

Kassandra: Check the back.

Viki: Congratulations. You two have come a long way.

Dorian: Thank you, Viki. Thank you for everything.

Viki: Oh...

Bo: Well, congratulations to Llanview's first couple.

David: That's right. Wait. Does this mean that I have to be nice to the little people?

Bo: Well, I think all us little people are just happy that you two finally tied the knot.

Dorian: That is so sweet, Bo. Oh. I guess that I may call you Pa now, Pa. Hee hee hee! Oh, before I forget, Viki, this is for you.

Viki: What is it?

Dorian: Rose petals for you to throw over the happy couple.

David: Come on, baby.

Dorian: Okay. Here we go. Ha ha! Ooh! Ha ha ha! Oh, darling.

Viki: Oh, my...

[Cell phone beeps]

Bo: Excuse me one second.

Viki: Sure.

Ford: Morgan, hi. I'm calling because I think Tess might be in trouble for shoplifting, and I'm just wondering how badly this can hurt our chances to keep Ryder.

Brody: I think you have the key. Yeah.

Jessica: Oh, God.

Brody: Jess, I'm so sorry, but all this is gonna be over soon.

Cutter: First, I strike out with Dorian Lord, then with Tess. Time to find a new cash cow.

Rick: Hey, hey, hey! Have you ever done any acting?

Ford: Thanks, Morgan. Yeah. I'll pass it along to her, and we'll see you in court. Okay. Bye. Tess, hey, uh, I just spoke to our lawyer, and he thinks he can get the shoplifting charges dropped down to a misdemeanor.

Jessica: I'm not Tess. I'm Jessica, and Brody and I are here for our son.

Phyllis: I'll have more tomorrow, but between you and me, things at the Buchanan ranch aren't looking so stable. What would Asa say?

[Turns off TV]

Clint: What the hell do you want?

Bo: You. You're under arrest for the murder of Eddie Ford.

On the next "One Life to Live"...

Kelly: Get your hand off that child.

Brody: Uh!

Clint: I confess that...

Jack: I did something, something really bad.

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