GH Transcript Wednesday 11/25/09

General Hospital Transcript Wednesday 11/25/09

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Provided By Boo
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Lulu: Maxie! I'm going to Elizabeth's. Do you want me to get you a latte before I go? Hey, whoa. Looks like you could use another one. You should probably get dressed. I'm sure there's someplace you have to be for Thanksgiving. I'm assuming you did not get Franco to agree to do the photo shoot.

Maxie: Actually, I --

[Cell phone rings]

Lulu: Oh, here, let me get it.

Maxie: No.

Lulu: No, let me talk to Kate.

Maxie: No, no, no, I can't right now.

Lulu: Don't let her ruin your holiday. I'm sure you did everything you could to get him.

Maxie: I got him.

Lulu: So, what do you mean, you got him to do the photo shoot?

Maxie: Lulu -- I slept with Franco.

Spinelli: And also, Maximista, I wanted to offer a heartfelt tribute for last night's coup. The event set a new standard in both culture and couture.

Milo: Yes, boss. By dinnertime? Not a problem. Okay, my best to you and yours, too.

Spinelli: Wuneekeesuq! That's how the Wampanoag greeted their intimates 388 years ago today. Uh, what is troubling my thick-necked pilgrim? It looks like someone raided your horn of plenty.

Milo: Mr. C. is fed up with Max sulking around and Ms. Miller spending all her time in Philly. He wants them back together, like today.

Max: Mr. C. said you were gonna set me up.

Milo: He told you.

Max: Yeah, he said he gave you a job and he wanted me to do my part and see that it got done right. So?

Diane: All right, put these in the oven at 350 for 30 minutes before serving.

Alexis: You cooked?

Diane: God, no! Those are from Chez Loire. Candied yams so good they should be illegal. And this needs a few minutes of breathing before pouring. And I have 4 more bottles suffocating in the trunk of my car.

Alexis: I'm so sorry. Did we have plans for Thanksgiving? I remember last year offering you a seat at my table and you declined.

Diane: Last year I didn't need a seat or a table. All I needed was a bed, because Max and I spent the entire holiday horizontal. Oh, young ears are present. Well, that remark was meant to be strictly off the record.

Molly: I'm 11 now. It's okay to talk to me about lovemaking.

Alexis: No, it's not.

[Diane laughs]

Diane: You see, it's these rather awkward but utterly charming family moments that make spending the holidays with loved ones so special. Now, if you would just point me in the direction of a corkscrew.

Molly: Well, unfortunately, we've already accepted a dinner commitment somewhere else.

Alexis: We have?

[Door opens]

Robin: Thank you for coming.

Sam: Hi, Thanks for having me. Well, actually, thank Molly and Krissy, 'cause they're the ones who are all over this scheme you guys have cooked up. I am the doubter.

Patrick: Hey, Sam. What do you have doubts about.

Robin: Um, the mashed potatoes --

Sam: Or stuffing.

Patrick: Well, have them both. Problem solved.

Robin: Exactly.

Sam: Never thought of that.

[Patrick whistling]

Robin: Come on, it was obvious to everyone at Maxie and Spinelli's non-wedding that Alexis and Uncle Mac would make a really cute couple. They just need a little push.

Michael: Hey, Mom, what time are we heading over to Kelly's for turkey?

Carly: Oh, as soon as Jax gets here to watch Josslyn.

Michael: Are we really doing Thanksgiving without Jax?

Carly: Yeah. Jax and I agreed to give each other some space, so --

Michael: I mean, it's a family holiday.

Carly: Your father and your grandfather are family, too.

Michael: Yeah, but you don't have to leave Josslyn at home for the first Thanksgiving --

Carly: Please do not make this any harder than it already is.

Michael: Okay.

Carly: Can you do me a favor? Run up and check on Morgan and see what's taking him so long. [Sighs] Whew.

Jax: Hey.

Carly: Hi. I thought you were at the hotel.

Jax: Well, I realized how quiet it was in the guest room, so I was getting my work done there.

Carly: I fed Josslyn. I put her down and the monitor's over there.

Jax: Oh, good. Okay. So it's just gonna be you and the boys and Sonny, and who else?

Carly: Mike. And Bernie.

Jax: Oh, it's official. Bernie makes it a party.

Carly: Well, you get to spend the holiday with your daughter, you know.

Jax: Yeah, I know. I'm looking forward to that. See the turkey?

[Carly and Jax laugh]

Carly: Hi, you guys ready?

Morgan: Ready.

Carly: Good.

Michael: Happy Thanksgiving, Jax.

Jax: Oh, yeah. Happy Thanksgiving. Hey. Happy Thanksgiving.

Morgan: See you later.

Jax: See you later. Happy Thanksgiving.

Carly: Happy Thanksgiving. Come on.

Edward: I guess we're expecting nobody else, so just go ahead and order the pizza.

Alice: Okay, so that's 3 pizzas with extra anchovies.

Rebecca: Hi. So, uh, Cook mentioned that you don't have a formal Thanksgiving dinner, so I thought I'd go with the hospital staff to serve dinner at a homeless shelter.

Tracy: How can you be so self-centered? Did it even occur to you that Daddy and Monica might want you to serve them?

Monica: Tracy! I thought you would be having dinner with Nikolas.

Rebecca: Uh, he's busy tonight.

Edward: You know something? There's a word for a man of that ilk, and it's scoundrel.

Luke: You rang, pop?

Tracy: Sweetheart! I thought you were having Thanksgiving with your sister. Did she run out of booze?

Luke: No, Barbara Jean knows better than to host a dry holiday. She's in Seattle visiting Lucas.

Rebecca: Oh. What about Lucky and Elizabeth?

Luke: Uh, they're carving the bird with Audrey and Lesley and all the little chickens. Thank you, my sweet. The thought of spending the day with a kind, loving family made me lose my appetite. So I came here. Mmm. That is just the kind of holiday spirit I had in mind.

Molly: Any other time we'd love to have you for dinner. Maybe Christmas?

Alexis: Molly!

Molly: What? We've got some special mother-daughter plans.

Alexis: We have plans to go to the country club --

[Cell phone rings]

Alexis: Hold on one second. I gotta take this. Stay. I mean it. Please. You --

Molly: Here.

Diane: A dollar? What's this for?

Molly: A retainer.

Diane: Ha ha ha! You're very cute. You realize this would buy one nanosecond of my time.

Molly: Well, then maybe I can appeal to you as a fellow romantic.

Diane: You think of me as a romantic?

Molly: I can tell by the way you talk about Max.

Diane: Oh, well, Max and I are sort of -- Dickensian.

Molly: Right now I need to claim attorney-client privilege. What I say to you, you cannot repeat, to anyone, including my mom.

Diane: All right, come here. I'm listening.

Molly: Sam, Kristina, and I are fixing my mom up with the perfect guy.

Diane: You're setting your mother up with a man and she doesn't know about it?

Molly: Not a clue.

Diane: Are you sure I can't come along? I don't want to miss this. And you might need someone to tie her down.

Molly: Well, we'd invite you, but we'll be guests in someone else's home.

Diane: Oh. Well, of course. I see.

Molly: Since my mom has awful taste in men, we thought we'd choose one for her. I mean, this could be her last chance at romance.

Diane: That's very true. Here. You take that.

Molly: But I want to pay you for your confidence.

Diane: When the case is about Alexis and love, from me she gets pro bono.

Robin: We are not going to push anything. All we're doing is putting two consenting adults in the same room together.

Sam: Without their consent.

Robin: Oh, come on, Sam, you have to admit they totally have chemistry. And, really, I don't know why I didn't see it before. They have a lot in common. They're both in law enforcement. They both are single parents.

Sam: They're both opinionated and very stubborn.

Robin: [Laughs] That's true. See? Alexis and my Uncle Mac will make a perfect match.

Patrick: Wh -- that's why you moved heaven and earth to get Alexis here for the holiday?

Robin: Busted.

Sam: All right, well, what do you think? By inviting them here, are we --

Patrick: Inviting a catastrophe? Yes, I do. But, then again, I found my soul mate, so it doesn't mean Mac and Alexis can't -- crazier things have happened, right?

Robin: Thank you for the overwhelming vote of confidence.

Patrick: Do not let Mac catch wind of what you two are up to. Guys are not like women. We don't want to be set up. We are simple creatures with simple needs.

Robin: I know. Food, beer, sex.

Patrick: Not particularly in that order. And don't forget football, babe. It's Thanksgiving.

Robin: You know, my Uncle Mac, he may seem very simple, but he's actually complicated. And he's got to be lonely

Mac: Why isn't the game on? And when do we eat?

Lulu: You slept with Franco. You slept with Franco.

Maxie: Could you stop saying it over and over again?

Lulu: You said that you weren't gonna throw yourself at him.

Maxie: I didn't! Well, "throw" would be the wrong word. It was more like spontaneous and strangely inevitable. But it's not gonna happen again, and I'm not proud of myself, so we all just need to move past it.

Lulu: Yeah, I think Spinelli's gonna have a problem with that.

Maxie: Spinelli and I have discussed this. You know, we're a modern couple.

Lulu: Really?

Maxie: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Franco will just be on my list.

Lulu: List.

Maxie: My list of exceptions. You're in publishing. You do read, don't you? You and your mate disclose a list of people that you're allowed to sleep with should the opportunity present itself.

Lulu: Does Spinelli have a list?

Maxie: Yeah, he has a list.

Lulu: Who's on his list?

Maxie: Anne Hathaway. I found a copy of "The Princess Diaries" downloaded on his computer and he came clean.

Lulu: When is Spinelli ever gonna meet Anne Hathaway?

Maxie: It could happen.

Lulu: Okay, I think that he told you that because he knew it would never happen, because she's a celebrity.

Maxie: But so is Franco. You weren't there, Lulu. He's so mesmerizing. And it's not about his looks, even though they're borderline spectacular. I've just never been with someone so intense before.

[Cell phone rings]

Maxie: Ohh! But -- but don't worry, okay? It was a one-time thing and it's not gonna happen again. We're just gonna consider it a momentary lapse in judgment.

Lulu: I don't know if Spinelli will see it that way. You are gonna tell him, aren't you?

[Door opens]

[Indistinct chattering]

Michael: Didn't you just get it serviced?

Carly: Yes!

Jax: Hey! Did you forget something?

Carly: My car won't start.

Jax: Really?

Carly: It won't even turn over.

Michael: Yeah. I mean, I'd drive, but I left my car at Dad's. Besides -- we'd be pretty cramped.

[Carly sighs]

Jax: Right. Well, I can take a look at it, if you like.

Carly: Would you?

Jax: Sure.

Carly: Thanks. Can you boys listen for Josslyn in case she wakes up?

Morgan: Yeah. Sure.

Carly: Thanks.

Michael: Is that what I think it is?

Morgan: Maybe.

Michael: You sabotaged mom's car to strand her with Jax for Thanksgiving.

[Morgan chuckles]

Alexis: Good. I got the reservation changed. They're adding a seat to the table.

Diane: Yes. Well, while you were on your call, I got a call from the office, and I'm afraid I need to go in.

Alexis: Now? What is so important that you have to work on Thanksgiving?

Diane: My client has requested the strictest confidentiality.

Alexis: You realize that you can't go to court until Monday, right?

Diane: Yes. I do know that.

Alexis: Ah.

Diane: But there's no reason that the 2 parties cannot be brought to the same table. Much as I would love to tuck in to turkey with you and your gals, I'm afraid I must decline the invitation.

Molly: Happy Thanksgiving.

Diane: [Chuckles] Enjoy the yams. Oh, I'm so happy for you.

Alexis: Must be some pretty great yams. [Car engine starts] So, I guess I'll just change the reservation back to 4:00.

Molly: Oh, no, no, that's not necessary. We've already accepted another invitation.

[Running footsteps]

Patrick: Yeah.

Mac: Hey, where's the couch? How are we supposed to watch the game?

Patrick: Uh, we'll watch it in the den, Mac.

Mac: There's no HD in the den, Patrick. I want to see the laces on the ball, every blade of grass that gets stomped when someone gets thrown on the ground.

Robin: As appetizing as that sounds, we have to have the game on in here, right? [Chuckles] With no sound.

Sam: Place settings or buffet?

Robin: Uh, place settings.

Sam: Hmm. Of course.

Patrick: Uh, I'll help you.

Sam: Thanks.

Patrick: Here.

Mac: Please tell me Jason isn't coming.

Robin: No, no, he's not coming, but Spinelli is.

Mac: Ohh. Oh, man.

Robin: Remember how happy you were that Spinelli and Maxie didn't get married.

Mac: [Sighs] Yeah, that's something to be thankful for. Anyone else coming I don't like?

Robin: Uh, no, but I think someone's coming that you might like a lot.

Mac: Coleman?

[Knock on door]

Robin: No, not Coleman.

Patrick: I'll get it.

Matt: Happy Thanksgiving.

Lisa: Hi.

Patrick: Hey.

Matt: Hey.

Patrick: Lisa?

Matt: Yes. Please, can you invite us in?

Patrick: Yes, of course.

Matt: She didn't have anywhere to go on Thanksgiving, so I thought she'd join us.

Lisa: I hope you don't mind me crashing the party.

Robin: Oh, of course not. Everyone's welcome on Thanksgiving.

Patrick: Now that you're here, it's definitely a party. Happy Thanksgiving.

Lisa: Thanks.

Michael: I talked to Mom already, 'cause she and Jax need space.

Morgan: Look, I don't care what they say. They love each other, and I don't want them spending Thanksgiving apart.

Michael: Well, it's not up to you! Come on.

Morgan: When you wanted Mom and Dad back together, you used to do stuff like this all the time.

Michael: Yeah, but I was just a kid then.

Morgan: Yeah, and I'm just a kid now. So, I get to do this.

[Michael sighs]

Morgan: And if you're not gonna help me, at least don't try and talk me out of it.

Michael: Well, what about Dad? He's looking forward to seeing us tonight.

Morgan: Dad's got Grandpa and Bernie. They can talk business. It's Dad's favorite thing, anyway.

[Michael chuckles]

Morgan: Look, I'm a big brother now. And just like you looked out for me, I've got to look out for Josslyn.

Michael: She's just a baby.

Morgan: Exactly. And her mom and dad are already fighting.

[Door opens and closes]

[Morgan sighs]

Jax: Oh, good, Thanks. Uh, I don't know what's wrong with it, but the car's not going anywhere.

Carly: Mm-mmm.

Michael: Huh.

Morgan: Uh, I'll call Dad and Grandpa and tell them we can't make it.

Carly: Can we take your car?

Diane: Sonny has got some nerve asking me down here on a national holiday. I hope he's prepared to pay triple time.

Milo: Wait, wait, wait. Uh, Mr. C.'s not here.

Diane: Then why did Mr. Grasshopper call me on his behalf?

Spinelli: Uh -- Mr. Sir has asked us to, um, to take you into a confidence of the most -- delicate nature regarding his most trusted bodyguard.

Diane: Max?

Milo: Yeah.

Diane: Is there something the matter with Max?

Spinelli: Well, um, since being struck by Edward Quartermaine's wayward vehicle, your formerly virile paramour has suffered a cruel and lasting consequence. Max has found himself unable to perform.

[Milo exhales]

Diane: Oh. Oh. Oh!

Milo: Yeah.

Diane: Oh, God! My -- my sexy, flexible lug of a Max is -- is permanently impaired? Oh, I -- this is a -- - this is a catastrophe!

Ethan: Oh, we're gonna have to stop meeting like this. People will start to talk.

Kristina: [Chuckles] Hi. Um, pumpkin cookies for Thanksgiving dinner. Share one with me?

Ethan: Well, sure. How could I resist? [Chuckles]

Kristina: So, do you have this holiday in Australia?

Ethan: Sort of. Ours is in March, and it's 3 days of grapes and apples and wine and fireworks. It --

Kristina: Hmm.

Ethan: Probably sounds pretty odd, eh? [Chuckling]

Kristina: No weirder than turkey and cranberry sauce and --

Ethan: Pumpkin cookies?

Kristina: Most people have pie, but these are my mom's favorites.

Ethan: I see you got your stitches out.

Kristina: Mmm, yeah.

Ethan: You suffer a terrible texting accident, and you're no worse for wear.

Kristina: Well, since you're not celebrating the holiday until 4 months from now, you probably don't have any plans for today.

Ethan: Well, I was just on my way to Kelly's for a turkey burger.

Kristina: Maybe you'd like to have dinner with me instead?

[All groaning]

Matt: Are you kidding me?

Mac: Oh, come on.

Matt: I can't watch this!

Mac: Unbelievable.

Sam: I like the other team, anyway.

Lisa: So -- where is this angelic child I've heard so much about?

Patrick: Ah. Emma -- she is napping right now so she's awake for dinner.

Lisa: Wow. Look at you. You really are the proud papa.

Patrick: I am. But it's easy when you have a daughter like Emma. It's definitely changed my life.

Lisa: Obviously. You're the last guy I would have expected to be a doting dad.

Patrick: Really?

Lisa: Yeah. So, I guess you don't really care about the game anymore.

Patrick: Oh, no. See, that's where you're wrong. You can be a doting dad and still care about football.

[All groaning]

Lisa: Oh, no!

Matt: Are you kidding me? You know what? You know why this is extremely painful? Because I just traded my running back, and I had to start this joker -- this guy, who is fumbling every time he throws the ball.

Mac: You know, these fantasy leagues are killing sports. It's all about the individual and statistics. They're -- they're killing sports.

Lisa: Football is a business. I mean, look at all the money these fantasy leagues have generated. Both ratings and merchandising are up, which translates directly into dollars. And what's good for the league is great for the sport.

Mac: Well, who can argue with a girl who just, uh, gets a guy a tub of beer?

Patrick: Easy.

Lisa: Ha ha ha! Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Wow. Speaking of domestics, I mean, who would ever think that Patrick Drake would own wedding china?

[Cell phone ringing]

Patrick: It's very nice china, too, isn't it? Waiting for the gravy boat, actually, boys. And watch those plates. I've seen you break many of those in my day, so be careful.

Sam: Molly, are you there? Listen, Kristina didn't even show up yet, and Maxie, she's sick with the flu. I just -- I don't think this is a good idea.

Mac: Sam?

Sam: Call me --

Mac: Excuse me.

Sam: Bye.

Mac: Listen, I reread your statement about the Claudia Zacchara disappearance, and I understand the pressure you're under from Jason and Sonny to keep .

Mac: Fine. You know, you're right. I'm sorry. Uh, listen. I'm wanted down at the station, so everyone enjoy your evening.

Robin: What? No, no, no!

Mac: Okay? Enjoy your day, everybody.

Robin: No! Stay! If you leave, I-it's over my dead body.

Kristina: It's at Robin Scorpio's house. We're setting my mom up with Robin's uncle, and neither of them know it yet.

Ethan: Oh, you're doing that for your mom? That's really sweet.

Kristina: Mmm, anything for family, especially around the holidays. I mean, that's what they're all about, right?

Ethan: Yeah. Well put.

Kristina: So you'll come?

Ethan: You know, actually, you inspired me to seek out kinfolk of my own, and Luke and Tracy invited me to have a meal with them. I figure I'll try to do right by them for at least a day. Heh. Maybe another time.

Kristina: Definitely another time.

Ethan: Sounds good.

Kristina: How about this weekend?

Ethan: Uh, possibly. As my past has proved, I'm pretty poor with planning, but, you know, spontaneity is more my strong suit. Heh.

Kristina: Okay.

Ethan: Maybe I could escort you to Robin's on my way to the Quartermaines'?

Kristina: I'd love that.

Ethan: All right.

Kristina: You can't show up to their doorstep empty-handed.

Ethan: [Chuckles] Thanks. Shall we?

Alexis: Are you sure Kristina knows to meet us here and not go to the country club?

Molly: She knows. Oh.

Mac: Hey. Hi. Off to work.

Robin: No, no, no! Inside. Come -- hi!

Alexis: Hi.

Mac: I'm going to work.

Robin: Come in, please. Come in.

Alexis: Are you sure?

Robin: Yes. Thanks for coming.

Alexis: I hope we're not intruding.

Robin: Oh, no, not at all. It was my idea to -- I mean, Mac's idea, all of us, to invite you.

Molly: Uh, wait! You can't go. I -- I have to ask you a question about a report for school on the justice system.

Alexis: You already did that report. You asked Sonny.

Molly: I -- I need both sides. Please? You wouldn't want to be responsible for me failing and dropping out of school, would you? That would be contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Mac: We wouldn't want that, would we?

Molly: Thanks. I'll see you later. Hey!

Alexis: Little girls -- know how to get just what they want.

Mac: Yeah. They get worse when they get big.

Robin: I'll get you guys some drinks, and you two -- chat.

[Indistinct chattering]

Alexis: So -- excuse me -- one second. Hey!

Sam: Hi, Mom.

Patrick: Hey.

Alexis: Hey.

Sam: Well, admit it. You look great.

Alexis: Thanks.

Sam: That's a nice coat.

Lisa: Hi. I'm Lisa.

Alexis: Nice to meet you, Lisa. I'm Alexis. What the hell is going on here?

Sam: Well, come on. It's Thanksgiving. The girls wanted to do something really special, and I thought it would be really great. This is --

Alexis: If you're going to lie to me, you're going to have to do better than that.

Mac: Patrick, come here. Come here. Please. Excuse us.

Robin: What --

Mac: It's okay. Just a second.

[Indistinct chattering]

Mac: Uh -- what's Robin up to? All right, don't deny it. All right?

Patrick: In that case, I plead the fifth.

Mac: Why is Alexis here?

Patrick: Mac, I don't know. Robin does the guest list. I answer the door. I take coats. I move furniture when she needs me to.

[Indistinct chattering continues]

Alexis: I was just wondering -- do you think that, um --

Matt: Are we serious here?

Mac: Like we're being watched?

Matt: Uh, excuse us.

Alexis: Or that our --

Mac: Kids are setting us up?

Alexis: Yeah.

Molly: Mom?

Matt: Hello, guys?

Alexis: What?

Matt: Uh, come on. Just to the side. You -- you can do this during a commercial.

Molly: Thank you.

Matt: Okay. Thank you.

Spinelli: Noble Max has distanced himself, uh, from the only object of his affection in fear that you would view his -- shortcomings, uh, as rendering him less of a man.

Diane: Max has always been more than just sex to me. I mean, yes, of course, he's a stallion and he's so incredibly elastic. But -- I mean, he still thinks I just want his body?

Spinelli: W-well, now that the unfortunate truth has come to light, the Jackal hopes that love will triumph -- as it has with he and his lady fair -- who shall not be without him this evening. Heh. Excuse me.

[Door opens and closes]

Diane: Oh, Milo, why wouldn't Max just tell me?

Milo: Well, you know Max. He gets so sensitive.

[Door opens]

Max: I just spent the last 20 minutes crawling around the -- Diane? What are you doing here?

Diane: Go. Get out. Get out! I just have, um -- I actually have a bit of an emergency. I have, uh, some questions that I would like to, uh, ooh, just to ask you. So, if you would, um --

Max: Yeah, sure.

Diane: Just follow me into the office. Bring it!

Carly: No, Thanks.

Michael: Hey, sit down, sit down, sit down.

Carly: Okay.

Michael: Have a seat. Listen, you know that trip my class is taking?

Jax: Yeah, the one to the civil war site. That's it, right?

Carly: What about it?

Michael: Well, I was thinking of maybe going.

Carly: Great.

Michael: Yeah.

Carly: We have to talk about that now?

Michael: Uh, yeah, because of Josslyn.

Jax: What does this have to do with Josslyn?

Michael: Well, it's no secret that you guys haven't been getting along. And, you know, I know from experience with Morgan that newborns can be a lot to handle. You know? Maybe it's just not the right time for me to go away. Maybe you guys will need me to help out. You know? By's gonna need a lot of attention. That's what big brothers are for.

Jax: Well, we appreciate that, Michael, very much. But, uh -- you should go out and live your life.

Carly: Yeah. You should. I mean, Jax is right. You should do things that normal kids do. You should go on trips and proms and whatever fun things come along.

Michael: [Sighs] Yeah.

Jax: Yeah.

Michael: Well, I guess we should get going, then.

Carly: Okay. We should go.

Jax: All right. Well --

Carly: See you.

Jax: I will, uh, I will call if there's -- if, you know, if something happens with Josslyn, I'll call you.

Carly: Bye.

Jax: Bye.

Alice: Hey, everybody, look who's here.

Tracy: Wow! You came, and not empty-handed for a change.

Ethan: Yeah. To celebrate the traditional American Thanksgiving, I brought traditional American biscuits --

Alice: Ooh. I'll take those.

Edward: Where's the pizza?

Alice: It's on its way.

Edward: You know, you're welcome.

Tracy: You're not throwing him out?

Edward: During the recent carnival disaster, this young man and Rebecca stayed by my side and pulled me through. You are always welcome here, and only steal what you can carry.

Ethan: All right. You have my word.

Edward: Mm-hmm.

Ethan: Well, to be with loved ones on this most hallowed of holidays -- father, sister, Rebecca. You think you can stand to share a meal with me?

Rebecca: [Chuckles] Why not? It's just for one night, right?

Mac: Ohh. I'm gonna kill Robin and Maxie. I should have known they were up to no good.

Alexis: Don't be so hard on yourself. I got lured here by an 11-year-old.

Kristina: Hi.

[Alexis sighs]

Kristina: You have them together already?

Robin: What did you see?

Kristina: Talking -- close talking.

[Robin gasps]

[Whispering]

Robin: Great. Great! Babe.

Matt: Oh, wow.

Patrick: Thank you.

Matt: Nice.

Lisa: They seem like together, attractive professionals more than capable of finding love on their own.

Robin: Uh, yeah. Where do we start?

Sam: Yeah. Ohh.

Molly: Our mom has tragically poor taste in men.

Kristina: My dad is a mob kingpin.

Molly: Mine's a mob lawyer.

Patrick: Don't forget about Jerry.

Lisa: Oh, let me guess. He's an ax murderer?

Patrick: Much worse -- terrorist, psychopath.

Lisa: [Chuckles] What?

Sam: My mom still hasn't told me who my dad is.

[All chuckling]

Robin: Well, I guess --

Sam: That's not funny.

Patrick: I know it's not. I'm sorry.

Robin: Well, now Uncle Mac and Alexis have a chance together, right? We recently saw them flirting at this non-wedding.

Lisa: Wh-what does that even mean?

Patrick: Long story.

Robin: Trust us.

Sam: Yeah.

Molly: They're perfect for each other.

[Door opens]

Mac: All right. We, uh -- we know what you're up to.

Alexis: Not gonna happen.

Max: Ohh. Ho ho ho.

[Diane panting]

Max: Whew.

[Both sigh]

Diane: I knew my healing touch would do the trick. [Chuckling]

Max: You just couldn't resist me anymore, hmm?

Diane: Well, when a man's health is at stake. E.D. must be every man's nightmare.

Max: Ed? Who's Ed?

Diane: Come on, honey. You don't have to deny it. You don't have to be embarrassed by it. Spinelli and Milo told me that the accident caused your -- problem.

Max: Caused what?

Diane: Erectile dysfunction, E.D.

Max: Why would you listen to anything those two idiots ever told you? There is and there never was anything wrong with my equipment.

Diane: Well, then, why would they lie to me? Unless it was to get us back together again. They told me that you missed me. Oh, hello.

Max: I do miss you. I think of you all the time.

Diane: Heh heh heh! I miss you, too. Oh, Max, on this day, of all days, I give thanks for you, my big, flexible lug of a guy!

[Maxie sighs]

[Knock on door]

[Sighs]

Spinelli: Tardy with an ounce of prevention, I now bring a pound of cure. 16 ounces of turkey soup -- the healing properties of poultry in its own stock, well-documented by old wives and health professionals alike. And -- tissues, heh, which it seems you are in short supply of.

Maxie: I thought you were, um --

Spinelli: I could not attend a holiday meal without first bringing solace to my fair Maximista. Come on. Tell me what ails you.

Jax: Sometimes, we don't realize what we should be thankful for.

[Josslyn sneezes]

Jax: Yeah. There were moments when the whole universe was conspiring against you --

[Josslyn fussing]

Jax: To be born. But here you are. Here you are. And I promise you, not a day will go by that I won't be thankful for that. Yeah. That's what you want.

[Josslyn stops fussing]

Jax: Yeah.

Carly: Your car won't start, either.

Jax: Really?

Carly: Yeah.

Jax: You gotta be kidding me.

Carly: Yeah.

Jax: Well, I could call you a cab.

Carly: Yeah. Or -- we could take 2 brand-new cars not starting as a sign that, uh, we should stay right where we are.

[Josslyn fussing]

Jax: Well, Josslyn and I would love to spend Thanksgiving with the entire family. Wait a minute --

Carly: I don't know what we're gonna have for dinner. We have no food in the fridge.

Morgan: Oh, me and Michael have got it. Come on.

Tracy: I must say, I am very pleased to see the two of you spending your first Thanksgiving together.

Ethan: Well, that's real big of you, considering everything you've done to keep us apart.

Luke: My spanky buns always comes through when the chips are down. Underneath that hard, crusty shell -- is another hard, crusty shell. But underneath that -- mush. Mmm. Anchovies.

Rebecca: I never heard the story of how this tradition got started.

Monica: Oh. Well, um, family fights always ruined the turkey dinner, so we would end up ordering pizza. And eventually, the pizza just became a tradition.

Edward: There's another tradition that must be upheld. [Plays pitch pipe] We gather together to ask the Lord's blessings he chastens and hastens his will to make known, the wicked oppressing now cease from distressing, sing praises to his name, he forgets not his -- oh, come on, people. We gather together

Luke: Anyone want more pizza?

Alice: I'll have some.

Edward: To ask the Lord's blessings --

Michael: Yeah. We got a feast.

[Indistinct chattering]

[Acoustic guitar playing "We Gather Together"]

Jax: Happy Thanksgiving, guys.

Carly: Happy Thanksgiving.

Jax: You know what? Perhaps we should give you a napkin.

Michael: Here you go.

Max: Uh, thank you.

Max: Garcon? Please. Happy Thanksgiving.

Diane: Happy Thanksgiving.

Milo: Happy Thanksgiving.

[All chuckle]

[Spinelli chuckles]

Patrick: All right, take a seat. The turkey's here.

[All cheer and whistle]

Patrick: Look at that, huh?

Matt: It looks great.

Alexis: Molly, you sit here. I'll sit here.

[Indistinct chattering]

Molly: Turkey.

Matt: I'm starving.

[All chuckle]

Alexis: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Patrick: All right, let's take hands real quick here.

Kristina: Oh. Heh.

Patrick: Want to thank everybody for coming. It's Thanksgiving. We have a lot to be thankful for, I would imagine, everyone --

[Clattering]

[All chuckle]

Patrick: It's my daughter's first Thanksgiving -- Emma.

[All cheer]

Patrick: And we're hungry, I take it?

All: Yes!

Robin: Yes, yes. Let's eat.

Mac: Let's get eatin'.

[Indistinct chattering]

Edward: We gather together to ask the Lord's blessing, he chastens and hastens his will to make known, the wicked oppressing now cease from distressing, sing praises to his name, he forgets not his own Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Rebecca and Monica: Happy Thanksgiving.

All: Happy Thanksgiving.

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