GH Transcript Tuesday 12/23/08

General Hospital Transcript Tuesday 12/23/08

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Provided By Boo
Proofread By Kathy

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Lulu: Merry Christmas Eve.

Lucky: What are you doing here?

Lulu: Johnny had to work and I know Elizabeth and her grandma took the boys out of town, so I thought, I don't know, we could hang out, maybe order pizza?

Lucky: Yeah, well, not much of a Christmas celebration.

Lulu: You didn't have other plans, did you?

Lucky: Sadly, no.

Nikolas: Hello. I just dropped Spencer off. Mike's taking him to that hospital Christmas party.

Lulu: You're not going?

Nikolas: No. No, I'm not. You know how many times I watched Emily play an elf for those children? I'm just really not ready to go yet.

Lulu: Great, pizza for three.

Nikolas: Yeah.

Lulu: I got it.

Patrick: Hey, Robin, I got some eggnog lattes here.

Robin: Eggnog lattes? The apartment is a mess, the tree is half-decorated, my parents are going to be here any second, and let me guess -- you forgot to pick up the dessert that I ordered.

Patrick: I'll go back and get it.

Robin: No, you know what? It's Christmas Eve. They closed 20 minutes ago. But, hey, we've got eggnog lattes.

Edward: This house may be a holiday-free zone, but at least we can be miserable with the lights on.

Monica: Merry... whatever.

Tracy: What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be at the hospital Christmas party.

Monica: Well, I'm not going.

Tracy: You have to go, Monica. You're chief of staff, remember?

Edward: Why aren't you dressed for the holiday party, Tracy?

Tracy: I'm staying home.

Monica: Well, now, that's actually a reason for me to go.

Alice: Hey, time to get jolly, everyone. I've got eggnog and a tree.

Monica: Bah.

Edward: Hum.

Tracy: Bug.

Man: Worthless piece of junk. Why couldn't she have knitted me a pair of mittens like every other year?

Spinelli: Uh, excuse me?

Santa: Spinelli! There you are. I'm having trouble with this gadget that Mrs. Claus gave --

Spinelli: Not another step, demented intruder. I assure you, the Jackal is a master of -- of kung fu.

Santa: Young man, I know if each and every child on earth has been naughty or nice, so I also know who can do martial arts and who can't, so put your foot down and come take a look at this.

Spinelli: Can I? Oh, my God. Santa?

Santa: That's right. Now, I need your help and we don't have much time.

Santa: My reindeer are waiting on the roof of that fine establishment across the street.

Spinelli: The Metro Court Hotel?

Santa: Oh, I took a few carrots from the fridge. I hope you don't mind.

Spinelli: No, that's fine.

[Spinelli chuckles]

Spinelli: Oh. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer. Um, where's Rudolph?

Santa: It's a clear night for flying, so I left him at home. Any luck?

Spinelli: Oh, oh, right. Well, uh, it appears you've deleted an extensive amount of data.

Santa: Mrs. Claus gave me this as a gift, but I'm all thumbs when it comes to these new-fangled gadgets. Somehow or another, I erased the Christmas list for most of Port Charles. Okay, I'll be back at 11:59. You find out what everyone wants. And if you can fix this PDA while you're at it, there might be something extra in your stocking.

[Knock at door]

Spinelli: Oh, gosh, uh -- please, I beseech you, just remain stationary for about a moment. Oh, my gosh --

Maxie: The Paris emails finally came through --

Spinelli: Maximista is about to witness a Christmas event of epic proportions.

Maxie: Spinelli, how sweet. You put ornaments on the tree.

Spinelli: He's gone.

Maxie: Who, Jason?

Spinelli: No, Santa.

Maxie: And now you're pretending Santa was here?

Spinelli: He was here.

Maxie: Let me guess. This is all a build up. You're going to give me a cool present and say Santa gave it to you.

Spinelli: Ooh, look. He left his PDA.

Maxie: I already have a PDA.

Spinelli: No, this is Santa's PDA, but it's not functioning properly. He can't access the wish list of many Port Charles residents.

Maxie: Santa told you this?

Spinelli: And unfortunately, a cursory search suggested the data is irretrievable.

Maxie: You're saying Santa gave you that?

Spinelli: He -- he did. And he'll be back one minute before midnight to retrieve it. I cannot fail him.

Maxie: You really believe Santa was here?

Spinelli: He was.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Spinelli: See? He left his jacket.

Max: Merry Christmas. Sorry I'm late. Diane?

Diane: You know, it's the oddest thing. I was just standing here, looking up into the night sky, and right there, flying over Jason's building, I could have sworn I saw -- uh, never mind. Never mind. I guess I am just blissed out at the notion of spending Christmas with my guy at his home, wrapped in blankets, candles burning, carols playing, chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Max: Yeah, well, maybe they'll even have them on the room service menu.

Diane: Room service?

Max: I booked us a room at the Metro Court.

Diane: This was supposed to be an "at home" Christmas. Specifically, your home, considering you extended the invitation.

Max: Unfortunately, there were complications.

[Diane clears throat]

Diane: Power failure? Leaky pipes?

Max: Out of town guests.

Diane: Guests?

Max: They're not exactly guests. They're more like, uh, business associates, if you get my meaning.

Diane: Heavy hitters?

Max: The heaviest. They're in town from Miami. They needed a place to lay low.

Diane: Well, then why can't you book them a room at the Metro Court?

Max: Diane, the boss asked me to put them up for the week --

Diane: The boss, the boss, the boss. You know what? Sonny, yes, is a selfish and demanding brute, but if you can't even stand up to him and tell him you want to spend Christmas in your home, with your girl -- I was just about to call myself "your girlfriend," but clearly you don't think of me that way.

Max: Diane, you know that --

Diane: Oh, you know what? You can just forget the puppy dog eyes. You don't want to spend Christmas with me, fine. I don't want to spend it with you.

Luke: Anybody order pizza?

Lulu: Dad? Hey.

Luke: Hi, baby girl.

Lulu: Hey. How much have you been drinking?

Luke: Not nearly enough, but the night is still young.

Nikolas: You do realize it's Christmas Eve tonight, right?

Luke: Yeah, where's your tree?

Lucky: I didn't get around to getting one.

Lulu: Well, Johnny is working at the Christmas tree lot. It's open until midnight. We could go over there.

Luke: You know what? Problem solved. Look outside.

Lulu: I got it. Yep, there's a tree in our driveway.

Nikolas: I'll bring it in.

Luke: How do you like that?

Lucky: What, you bought -- you bought a tree?

Luke: No, no, not exactly, no.

Lulu: You didn't steal it, did you?

Luke: Oh, come on, daughter, this is Christmas Eve, no. Check this out. I'm crossing the street, and this flatbed comes flying around the corner on two wheels, almost tipped over, but that piece of festive cargo just rolled off the back of the truck and right up to your door. Damn.

Lulu: Wow. Ooh.

Nikolas: I'm okay. I'm okay.

Lulu: It's perfect.

Nikolas: Okay, question -- why isn't anybody helping me?

Lucky: Because you're the eldest. All right, I'll give you a hand.

Maxie: Merry, Merry!

Spinelli: Yuletide greetings to all.

Lulu: Hi, you guys. Spinelli, you're very festive.

Maxie: Isn't he?

Luke: Where'd you get the Santa suit?

Spinelli: I procured it from Father Christmas --

Maxie: A costume store. There's lots of Santa suits there.

Lulu: So, I mean, if you guys want to be here, there's pizza if you want to eat with us.

Spinelli: Actually, Maximista and the Jingle Jackal have a very busy nocturnal schedule, so we must decline.

Maxie: Yeah, we're going around wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and asking what they are wishing for.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Lulu: You guys okay? You guys look really weird.

Spinelli: Fair Lulu, this is for you. It will guarantee you a very Merry Christmas.

Spinelli: Take it and enjoy in the spirit of the season.

Lulu: You're giving me a key.

Spinelli: Father Christmas does indeed work in mysterious ways.

Maxie: Okay, we have place to go, people to see, so Merry Christmas!

Spinelli: Bye.

Lulu: Merry Christmas.

Luke: Sure you don't want to stay for pizza?

Lulu: This is the weirdest thing Spinelli's ever done, if that's even possible.

Lucky: Well, who cares? We have a tree to decorate.

Nikolas: Yeah, where are the decorations at?

Lucky: In the attic. Come on.

Luke: I hate Christmas.

Lulu: On general principle or because you miss Mom?

Luke: Both, I guess.

Diane: You know, it's not as if I had unreasonable expectations. I just wanted a nice, casual Christmas. Hot toddies and some Christmas carols and a moderately expensive bauble or two. But I am shunted aside by Max so he can harbor fugitive Miami heat.

Bernie: Did you know that Hanukkah is a celebration of light?

Diane: Yeah. And then, he's got the nerve to look all wounded, all sweet and helpless. Well, mark my words. It's not going to work. I have spent many Christmases chalking up billable hours, and I can spend this Christmas exactly the same way. In fact, that's a great idea. I think I will redraft every contract I have on file for Sonny and charge him triple.

Bernie: Hanukkah also -- it symbolizes the triumph of faith over tyranny.

Diane: Well, sometimes one's faith does go unrewarded. Mine certainly did. I put my faith and trust in this big, handsome, flexible hunk, and he leaves me flat on what is arguably the most romantic –

Bernie: I'm sorry, I'm sorry -- so sorry. I thought you said that you left Max.

Diane: With my head held high. Walked away, left him in my dust.

Bernie: So you're the one who doesn't want to spend Christmas with him.

Diane: No, no. I mean, yes, I want to spend Christmas with Max. He just doesn't want to spend it with me.

Bernie: But how's he supposed to know that if you just walk out and leave him? Listen, I'm a widower, and, um, my family -- well, what's left of it -- is spread out all over. And there's no way we're going to spend this holiday together, but -- you know, illness and money problems. I am going to spend the day waiting for some sensitive material to arrive from Mr. Morgan.

Diane: I know. I'm sorry, Bernie. It never occurred to me that –

Bernie: No, no, no. I'm not asking for sympathy. I'm pointing something out, which is that every Hanukkah, everybody in my family lights the Menorah candles. It's really -- it's like a way of being together.

Diane: That's a lovely custom.

Bernie: So have you ever inquired about Max's customs? I mean, how does he like to spend the holiday?

Diane: I thought he wanted to spend it with me.

Patrick: I'll help you clean up, then.

Robin: I'm not cleaning. I'm looking.

Patrick: For what?

[Robin groans]

Robin: The necklace that my grandmother Filomena gave my mother on her wedding day, and then my mother gave it to me on our wedding day, and now I can't find it.

Patrick: Okay, well, then I'll help you look for it.

Robin: No, I have searched every inch of this apartment, and it is nowhere to be found.

Patrick: Robin, where did you wear it last?

Robin: I wore it when we went out to eat. And then we came home, I was holding Emma. She was crying. And then she kept trying to pull on the pearl, so I took it off and I put it somewhere.

Patrick: Well, where?

Robin: Obviously, I don't remember.

Patrick: Okay, well, chances are it's around here somewhere underneath all this mess.

Robin: Well, maybe there wouldn't be such a big mess if you would help me clean up every once and a while.

Patrick: I would help you clean up if you didn't burst into tears and bite my head off every single time I try.

[Knock at door]

Robin: Great. There's my mom and dad. Do not tell my mother that I can't find the necklace.

Robert: Ho, ho, ho!

Anna: Hi. Merry Christmas Eve.

Patrick: Nice to see you. How are you feeling?

Robert: I'm feeling great, and I'm grateful to be here for another Christmas.

Robin: Hi, Mom.

Anna: Hi, sweetie.

Robin: Merry Christmas Eve.

Robert: Hey, baby.

Robin: Hi, Daddy. Um, sorry about the mess, you guys. Just, you know, just kick your way through it.

Anna: Oh, it's not so bad.

Robin: Oh, it is. Thank you, you're being very nice.

Anna: Yeah, I am being nice. But it's fine for things to be a little bit messy because you've got a new baby. And she's only small for a little while, so you might as well enjoy it while you can.

Robin: The voice of experience.

Anna: You know who told me that? Filomena told me that. And she was absolutely right. Great advice. And that little pearl necklace of Filomena's would look great with that blouse.

Robin: Yeah, maybe. I'll put it on later. Dad, why don't you have an eggnog latte, and I'll get us some cheese and crackers.

Anna: You know what? It's Christmas Eve. Why don't we have desert first?

Robert: That's good thinking. If it's one thing I can identify with in the last year, it's to go for the sweet stuff first.

Anna: Yeah, go for the good stuff.

Robin: Well, there won't be any desert --

[Knock at door]

Robin: Because --

Patrick: Maybe that's Santa. Maybe he's got some figgy pudding.

Anna: Yeah.

Maxie: Merry Christmas!

Spinelli: Merry Christmas.

Anna: Oh, it is Santa. You're here early.

Spinelli: Oh, I'm just a humble representative of the fine fabled man, I mean --

Maxie: We're here to spread the holiday cheer. Does everybody know what they want for Christmas?

Spinelli: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Did the Drake/Scorpio clan comprise their Christmas list and check it twice?

Anna: Uh-uh.

Robin: We already have everything we need.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Spinelli: Well, allow me to contribute something to this night's festivities. Merry Christmas to the new mother.

Robin: Thank you, Spinelli. I didn't expect you to bring me a gift.

Maxie: Neither did I.

Spinelli: I can't take the credit, because this isn't my coat --

Maxie: Spinelli's extremely modest and gratitude makes him nervous, so Merry Christmas. Enjoy. Bye!

Anna: Okay, Merry Christmas.

Maxie: Happy holidays.

Anna: Thanks.

Robert: Ah, computer geeks. They're all crazy, you know, but you can't do a decent op without them.

Anna: No, that's true.

Patrick: What did he get you?

Robin: Uh, they look like Christmas cookies, but I'm almost afraid to try one.

Anna: Well, I'm not. Let me see.

Robin: Mom.

Anna: No, come on.

Robin: You don't know Spinelli very well.

Anna: How dangerous can they be? They're Christmas cookies, right?

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Robert: Hmm?

Anna: Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Robin: Mom? Mom, are you okay?

Anna: You have to taste this.

Patrick: You know what? I'm sure Spinelli didn't mean any harm.

Anna: No, no, no, you have to taste this. Tell me what you think. Am I right?

Robert: Oh, yeah.

Anna: I know, right?

Robert: Oh, yeah, but it's not possible. It's not possible.

Robin: Well, what? What's not possible?

Anna: Darling, taste it. Please, taste it.

Patrick: No, no, no, no, no. I don't want Robin ingesting anything that came from Spinelli.

Robert: Oh, come on. Look, we're her parents. We wouldn't do anything to hurt her, come on.

Anna: Eat that. Tell me what it reminds you of. Go on.

Robin: What it -- okay.

Robin: That's impossible. She never even wrote down the recipe.

Patrick: Okay, is this some holiday ritual designed to keep the new son-in-law out of the loop here? What's going on?

Robin: These -- my grandmother Filomena, she used to bake the most amazing Christmas cookies. And she always promised me that she would give me the recipe, but she died before she could. I mean, I haven't had these since I was a little girl. And I don't know how they wound up in Spinelli's pocket, but these are definitely Filomena's Christmas cookies.

Lucky: Come on, why don't you help us, Dad?

Luke: You're doing fine.

Lucky: You know, I really don't know how Mom put up with you when she loved Christmas so much.

Luke: You have a good point. She did love Christmas. Man, I found that out the first Christmas we spent in Texas.

Lulu: What do you mean?

Luke: Well, it was cold. There was a real -- lot of snow, and we trudged all over the place looking for a tree because she had to have a tree. Finally, we found one. A scrawny little thing, but she wouldn't let me chop it down. So we went back to the house and we got all the ornaments, and we came back and we decorated it right where it was. And then, she looked at the top and she said if anything ever needed an angel to watch over it, it's this sad little tree. So we had to get in the car and ramble into town. There was only one store open. And he had, I kid you not, he had one treetop angel, and we were short like a buck and change. But your mother batted her eyes at him and worked her wiles, and he gave us the angel for free and said, "Merry Christmas." We went back to the little tree, we put it on the top, then she was happy.

Edward: Lila so loved these holiday traditions. She could hardly wait to put the tree up so she could look at it for weeks.

Monica: And Emily loved to help her decorate it.

Edward: The two of them were the heart and soul of this family, and I just can't bear to have a tree without them.

Tracy: Well, who needs it anyway?

Alice: Well, we're still going to have Christmas dinner, right? Argue about the menu for old time's sake? How about some Yorkshire pudding and roast beef?

Edward: No.

Alice: Cranberry and squab?

Monica: Hmm-mm.

Alice: How about whatever Mr. Luke would have wanted if you hadn't thrown him out on Christmas Eve?

Tracy: "Mr. Puke" is not Tiny Tim. And if he wants a crutch, hmm, he can get it any liquor store in town.

Alan: What a bunch of whiners.

Tracy: You are in no position to criticize. You're not really here.

Monica: Oh, come on. You are not going to have your chat with Alan. You can't possibly be that insensitive.

Tracy: You know, I don't know what I find more annoying -- the two of you bickering when he was alive or you mooning over him now that he's not. Your cue to leave.

Alan: Not until you tell Monica that I love her.

Tracy: You have something to tell Monica? Tell her yourself.

Monica: Tracy, will you stop it.

Spinelli: Yuletide greetings to the quarrelsome clan.

Edward: Oh, for pity's sake.

Tracy: Alice, throw him out.

Maxie: Well, that's just rude. Spinelli's only trying to spread the holiday spirit.

Tracy: Throw her out, too.

Alice: Look, you guys, maybe you should just --

Spinelli: Please, uh, cease and desist, dominator. You see, the Jingle Jackal is compelled by unseen forces.

Edward: You see? He admits it. He is a dangerous psychotic.

Maxie: Hey, Spinelli is a wonderful person.

Alice: Oh, just save it. Your tidings of comfort and joy are wasted on this den of scrooges.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Spinelli: Please, you cannot turn the Jackal away until he's delivered his gift.

Robin: I guarantee you they are the best Christmas cookies you'll ever have.

Anna: Oops.

Robin: It's okay. There's plenty more.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Patrick: Robin.

Robin: What --

Patrick: Look what I found.

Robin: I looked under there three times.

Patrick: It was laying there by the cookie.

Robert: Isn't that the necklace that Filomena gave you on our wedding day?

Anna: Mm-hmm. I saved it to give to our daughter, and now you can give it to you daughter.

Patrick: And I will put it on you.

Robin: Okay. I know this is silly, but I think it's a sign.

Robert: You think?

[Robin laughs]

Robin: Well, everybody knows that I have a tendency to worry that good things won't last, but this necklace has been through many generations, from a village in Italy to New York City to Port Charles. It's here to stay and so are we.

Lucky: Well, these are the last of them, so if that angel is not in here, we're out of luck.

Nikolas: Well, if it's not, I can certainly go out and buy another one.

Lulu: No, we need Mom's angel. It wouldn't be the same.

Lucky: Well, this one feels empty and it's locked, anyway. You know what? Maybe Mom's angel got thrown out by mistake.

Lulu: This may be really weird, but, I mean, maybe Spinelli's key...

Lucky: I told you that one felt empty.

Lulu: Oh, my gosh.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Lulu: It's here.

[Phone rings]

Luke: Spencers'. Hello, darling. Merry Christmas to you. Well, as a matter of fact, we were just talking about you.

Spinelli: Well, no doubt this gift has special meaning for one of you.

Edward: Well, it's your gift, you boob. You should know who it's for.

Maxie: Careful, Mr. Quartermaine. You wouldn't want Santa to leave you off his Christmas list this year.

Edward: Listen, twerp, a man can be as grumpy as he --

Tracy: Oh, my God. The hospital Christmas party would be better than this.

Edward: For once I agree with you, Tracy.

Alice: Oh, well, wonders never cease. It's a Christmas miracle after all. I'll drive. Hey, you want to go with us, Dr. Q?

Monica: Actually, Alice, I would rather sit here and listen to the two of them babble on.

Edward: Suit yourself. No, and I'm going to drive.

Spinelli: Since the others have departed, the Jackal's gift must be for you.

Monica: I am not interested in a gift, thank you very much. No, what I was interested in is my in-laws getting out of here. Now they have and you can do the same. Bye.

Alan: Big mistake, Monica.

Maxie: Big mistake, Monica. You don't refuse a gift that comes from an open heart, no matter how weird or useless it might seem. 'Tis the season and all that.

Monica: I have nothing to celebrate this Christmas, okay?

Maxie: Lots of us have reasons to be miserable. I have a few of my own. The trick is to find something to be grateful for, even if it's a gift you weren't expecting and aren't sure what to do with.

Spinelli: Please? In the spirit of the season?

Alan: Just do it, Monica.

Monica: No, thank you.

Spinelli: You know, I'll just leave them under the tree in case you change your mind.

Maxie: Merry Christmas.

Spinelli: Merry Christmas.

Alan: Those glasses, they look familiar. I think that I threw a pair like those just as we were having one of our fights. I said that you needed glasses because you only saw what you wanted to see.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

[Monica gasps]

Monica: Alan?

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Alan: You can see me. You can hear me.

Monica: Is it really you?

Alan: Don't -- no, it's all right. It's all right.

Monica: How?

Alan: You don't ask how on Christmas.

Monica: I've never believed, really, in Christmas miracles. But if I were to get one, I'm so glad it's you.

Alan: Oh, Monica, you've had such a terrible time. You've suffered so many losses, but you're a fighter. Don't give up. You must do whatever it takes to go on with your life.

Monica: I don't know whether you are a ghost or I have finally just lost my mind, but at the moment, I don't care because you're standing right in front of me, the pompous ass you've always been.

[Monica laughs]

Alan: Pompous ass? I'm trying to help you.

Monica: What? By spouting meaningless advice?

Alan: Well, of course you would think it's meaningless because it came from me. And while we're on the subject, better pompous than promiscuous.

Monica: Oh, come on now, you cheated on me more than I ever cheated on you.

Alan: Oh, really? Let me give you a list. What about Rick Webber, Sean Donnelly, Pierce Dorman, my own nephew.

Monica: Oh, my God, I missed you so much.

Max: Maxie, you've got to help me.

Maxie: Max, you look upset. Is your dad okay?

Max: No, he's fine. He met a nice woman on the plane on the way back to Palermo. We could be looking at wife number seven here.

Maxie: No wonder you're upset. That's a lot of stepmothers for anyone to deal with.

Max: It's not my dad or his new girlfriend I'm worried about. It's Diane.

Spinelli: Has the brusque lady of justice been placed in peril?

Max: Only her heart. You know, we had all these plans for a romantic Christmas, but the boss needed to use my house for some out of town guests of the connected variety, so --

Maxie: Well, Christmas isn't about a specific place. It's about who you're with. The woman you love just wants to know that you want to be with her no matter where you are.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Spinelli: And to that end, the Jackal presents a solution to your yuletide dilemma.

Max: It's a pawn ticket.

Maxie: Merry Christmas!

Spinelli: Yeah, Merry Christmas, son of Maximus.

Diane: You know this was my Christmas present for the big lug, my Max. Warm heart, cold feet.

Bernie: Ms. Miller, would you like to sit down?

Diane: Oh, God, I'm such a bitch.

Spinelli: Festive greetings to all!

Bernie: Hi.

Maxie: Hi.

Bernie: Yeah, Bernie.

Maxie: Well, what are you doing here on Christmas Eve? Do I need to call Jason Morgan and tell him –

Bernie: No, no, Mr. Morgan didn't ask me to come. I volunteered.

Spinelli: Might the Jackal inquire as to why the typically tense lady of the law waxes tearful?

Diane: I was supposed to be spending Christmas with Max, but I bungled it.

[Cell phone rings]

Spinelli: Allow the Jingle Jackal to provide assistance.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

[Cell phone ringing]

Spinelli: Call your beloved.

Diane: Excuse me?

Spinelli: Call him.

Max's voice: Diane?

Diane: Max? Max, where are you? Well, don't move. No, you stay right there. I'm on my way.

[Makes kissing noises]

Diane: Thank you, thank you. Oh, thank you, Mr. Grasshopper. Thank you, Bernie. And thank you, Maxie. Oh, I've got to hurry. Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to all.

Bernie: I'll never understand. She's the best lawyer that I have ever met. She's tough as nails. She strikes fear into the heart of opposing counsel. She doesn't bat an eyelash at capital charges. She goes to pieces over a bodyguard. Love is strange. I'm sorry, is there something I can do for you?

Spinelli: We're here to deliver a gift.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Bernie: Well, okay. Oh, how did you know? That's just what I was wishing for.

Spinelli: Happy Holidays.

Maxie: Happy Hanukkah.

Diane: Oh, Max, chestnuts. 

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Monica: I always wondered how you managed to be chief of staff and then I found out you didn’t.

Alan: I had that hospital running like a top.

Monica: Ah, no, you didn't, not at all. I've gone through all your records, and they are riddled with inconsistencies.

Alan: Oh, and you think you could do a better job?

Monica: Oh, I already am. I've hired a new specialist. I've expanded the budget for the surgical wing.

Alan: I can't believe you have such a God complex. I mean, you've always thought that you are the greatest cardiologist in the world.

Monica: And you have always been jealous of the fact that I can perform surgery.

Alan: I was a great surgeon until I ruined my hand trying to save your life.

Monica: After you tried to kill me.

Alan: Beside the point. You were cheating on me in my own house.

Monica: It's my house, Alan.

Alan: I gave it to you.

[Christmas music plays]

Alan: Merry Christmas, Monica.

Monica: Merry Christmas, Alan.

Max: It's just a little something.

Diane: That's incredible. Where did you find that?

Max: I probably shouldn't tell you, but it came from a pawn shop.

Diane: Well, now it comes from you.

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Spinelli and Maxie: Jingle bells jingle all the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh hey jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh

[Bernie recites Hebrew blessings]

Robin: I love you.

Patrick: Merry Christmas.

Robin: Merry Christmas.

Luke: And the angel has landed.

Lucky, Nikolas, and Lulu: Merry Christmas, Mom. We love you.

Luke: You hear that? Merry Christmas, darling.

Maxie and Spinelli: Jingle bells jingle all the way oh what fun

Maxie: Santa? It really is you.

Santa: Maxie Jones, how kind of you to help Spinelli.

Spinelli: I'm afraid Santa is mistaken. Though I was able to fix your PDA, little more was accomplished.

Maxie: Yeah, we only made it to three houses, and we didn't find out what everyone wanted for Christmas.

Santa: Hello, I'm Santa Claus. I already know what everyone wants for Christmas.

Spinelli: Then what was the true purpose of the Jingle Jackal's mission?

Santa: It takes a very special person, one who's generous and good and true, to see into people's hearts.

Spinelli: Thank you, sir. I suppose you need this back. If the photo function on your PDA is working, might the Jackal be so bold as to maybe snap a picture?

Santa: Ho-ho-ho, of course.

Spinelli: Okay.

Maxie: Here, wait.

Santa: Gather round.

Maxie: Okay, ready.

Spinelli: You too, Maxie. Okay.

Santa: Say "gingerbread."

Santa, Spinelli, and Maxie: Gingerbread!

Spinelli: Oh, might Mr. Claus hang around for some refreshments? We have milk and cookies.

Santa: Thank you, but I have some restless reindeer and a very long night ahead of me. Merry Christmas!

[Sleigh bells jingling]

Spinelli: Come here.

Maxie: It's -- it's midnight. I have to visit Mac in the station.

Spinelli: Thanks for accompanying me tonight. Your presence was the shining star of my journey.

Maxie: Spinelli, Santa was right. You really are generous and good and true.

[Cell phone rings]

Spinelli: 'Tis I, the Jackal.

Maxie: Okay, I thought I was having a really wild dream, and then I woke up and there was a gift by my bed.

Spinelli: I've received a gift as well.

Maxie: You have to open it, Spinelli.

[Sleigh bells ringing]

Spinelli: Our picture with Santa.

Maxie: You were right about everything.

Spinelli: There truly is magic in this world, Maximista.

Maxie: And I'm glad we got a chance to share it.

Spinelli: Merry Christmas, Maxie.

Maxie: Merry Christmas, Spinelli.

Maxie and Spinelli: Merry Christmas, everyone.

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