[an error occurred while processing this directive] AW Transcript Monday 1/17/05 [an error occurred while processing this directive]
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Another World Transcript Monday 1/17/05

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Provided by Suzanne
Proofread by
Daniel

Singers: Single heart

Singer: Single heart

Singers: Looking for another single heart

Singer: Single heart

Singers: Looking for another ooh, ooh ooh, ooh

Singer: Looking for another single heart

Sam: So, you think you know what single men want, huh?

Evan: Well, you bet I do.

Amanda: I bet it isn't what single women want in a man.

Evan: That's where you're wrong. You see, it's really very simple. A man wants a woman that adores him completely -- to be there when she needs him to be there, tell him that he's special, that he's perfect, and that he's the only one for her. It helps if she's beautiful and sexy, someone you might like to show off. But, listen; don't believe it when a man says he wants equality. I mean, he may say it; he may even make overtures that -- to make the woman think that he wants her to be his equal. Trust me, no self-respecting man wants anything more than a partner, somebody he can boss around.

Cass: What do I want in a woman? Someone with imagination, someone who surprises me, who won't get into a rut. Someone who sees that behind this suave and debonair exterior, I'm really just a pussycat and doesn't breathe a word of it to anyone and ruin my reputation.

Reuben: Women, man. I don't know. See -- see, I have this image of what a woman is supposed to be like. And it is great, and she makes me feel good and all, but then I have this image of Latoya Jackson -- no, no, a whole lot of Latoya Jacksonís, and she's built like she wants to have fun. And she makes me feel real good.

Matt: I hate the word "virgin." It -- it sounds like it's out of the dark ages. I mean, it sounds bad, like chalk screeching down a blackboard. "Virgin" -- ugh. I mean, the guys I hang out with are divided into two groups -- those who have and those who havenít. Used to be you were only cool if you had, bragging about it. No, but times are changing. You know, pressure's off. As Huey Lewis says, "it's getting hip to be square."

Zack: I need to get my career together. I mean, I'm the first one in my family to really make it, so there's a lot of pressure on me. There always has been. And I had a deep relationship with a woman once. Quinn. But, well, she died, and -- I mean, Iím ok now. You know, women think I'm a little distant. But a career? See, no one can take that away.

John: I've been alone for a long time, so I'm used to it. I can get up and have cold pizza and beer in the morning and not get a lecture on nutrition. I can put my feet on the coffee table and I can listen to Otis Redding all night long, real loud. And there's no one there to stop me. Now, that's the good part. And the bad part.

Zack: I don't mind being alone except when I'm lonely.

Matt: I can't figure out what Iím supposed to figure out.

Reuben: See, I have this image of this dream girl. But, man, let's face it, I ain't -- Iím not exactly a dream guy.

Cass: How much do you have to give up in order to give?

John: Maybe I'm just too set in my ways. Women always want to change you, and what I want -- well, it should be very simple. I want someone to love, and I hope it's not too late.

Amanda: Men always think they have to approach a woman with a line.

Zack: You're different from other women.

Sam: Men know women want hearts and flowers.

Zack: You know, the first time I saw -- no, wait a minute. When I first saw you, my heart stood still.

Amanda: Don't men realize we've caught on by now?

Zack: You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen.

Amanda: Oh, give me a break.

Sam: Once in a while, with the same frequency as a solar eclipse or a free Michael Jackson ticket, a guy crosses the big divide between lines and the truth.

Zack: You know, Ronnie, I really want a meaningful relationship with you.

Cass: Meaningful relationship? Meaningful relationship?

Zack: Well, I really feel that way about Ronnie.

Cass: You may be feeling all the right things, but, man, what's coming out of your mouth is pure singles bar jargon from the early 1970ís.

Zack: Yeah, it's about the last time I've been out, too. With my caseload, my leisure time is limited to about 15 minutes at the end of the week so I can wash my socks.

Cass: Well, now, that's one approach. Make her feel sorry for you.

Zack: Ok,

Coach: What would you suggest?

Cass: You're not interested.

Zack: I'm not?

Cass: You pretend you're not. Then there's no pressure. You put the woman at ease.

Zack: Cass, I don't like to pretend.

Cass: The man who just said, "When I saw you, my heart stood still," is now saying he doesn't like to pretend?

Zack: Ok, it was corny, but I was on the level.

Cass: I am never on the level, at least not for a long time anyway. I play it close to the vest, like a poker hand. That's why I love it. The game's the thing.

[British accent] walk this way.

[Music plays]

[Applause]

Cass: [Normal voice] hello, everybody!

Evan: Whoa.

Cass: And welcome to --

Cass, Zack, and Lisa: "Wheel of Love"!

Cass: Yes, nice to see you all. Isn't she lovely, ladies and gentlemen?

[Men cheer]

Cass: All right. Our first contestant today is Zack Edwards, hot lawyer and hot cat. Say hello, Zack.

Zack: Hi, Cass.

Cass: Hello, Zack. And next, let's have a nice warm "Wheel of Love" welcome for Evan Bates, financial wizard and fun guy. What do you say, Evan?

Evan: I'm really nervous, Cass.

Cass: Good. We like our contestants that way. And last but certainly not least, Reuben Lawrence, who is still not wearing a suit. Hello, Reuben.

Reuben: A-salaam aleikum, Cass.

Cass: Right, Reuben. Ok, you all know how "Wheel of Love" works. There are no rules! You just spin that crazy wheel and try to avoid heartbreak. Ok, Evan, you'll be going first. Would you like to spin that wheel for Evan, Dana? Here we go!

Evan: Come on, let's go! Come on!

Cass: Let's go, come on! Lovesick, lost love, eternal love, cheating love, puppy love --

Zack: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Cass: All right. Evan, are you ready?

Evan: Uh, ok.

Cass: Ok, your first big bonus question. How far to you do go --

Evan: Ooh.

Cass: That's, how far do you go on a first date? No prompting from the audience, please.

Evan: Well, I would say it depends on, you know, what -- are you talking about a woman, or, like, a woman? And it depends on if she has a chance at a serious relationship, or if she --

[Buzzer]

Cass: I'm sorry, we're out of time.

[Music plays]

Cass: We're going to have to send you through the tunnel of love alone. Ooh!

Evan: No, no, not -- not the tunnel of love.

Cass: Hook, please.

Zack: Yes.

Evan: No, no, not the tunnel of love! Not the tunnel of love!

Cass: Take him away, please. Thank you. Goodbye, Evan. All right, you lucky love survivors, here's question number two. Are you ready? And stand by with your passion buzzers, please. Ok. When do you know -- that's, when do you know you're in love?

[Bell]

Reuben: I got it, I got it, I got it! When your girl dates another guy and you feel like running him over with your car, man.

Zack: When you give her your own closet in your apartment and drawer space.

Cass: You are both absolutely correct!

Reuben: Yeah!

Zack: All right!

Cass: And you now earn the right to fall in love -- to share joys, vicissitudes, to share headaches, to grow old together with someone.

Reuben: Hold on -- we don't get no cars or nothing?

Cass: Love, Dana, is a crazy spin of the wheel, and sometimes that wheel is rigged. But what a high when you go all the way. Isn't that right, ladies and gentlemen? Goodbye, everybody, and thank you very much!

[Applause]

Reuben: No, no, hold on, I want another turn, man! No! No, my buzzer didn't ring! Yo, hold up! Yo, I want another turn, man! This ain't even right. This ain't even right.

Zack: You know, I think I understand what you mean. But how do you know when you really care about somebody?

Cass: Well, you find yourself putting her feelings first. You sacrifice things that mean a lot to you. That's the real thing.

Zack: "The real thing."

Sharky: I hope it's not too late.

Ada: Me, too.

Sharky: You want me to come back in the morning?

Ada: No! It's great to see you.

Sharky: You're staring.

Ada: Well, I can't believe it's you.

Sharky: You haven't changed one iota, Eda. Ada.

Ada: Sure.

Sharky: You're still as pretty as ever.

Ada: You want to come in?

Sharky: Thank you.

Ada: Yeah, well --

Ada: Sit down.

Sharky: Oh, yeah. Thanks, thanks.

Ada: How do you like living in Chicago?

Sharky: Oh. Well, I moved there when my wife died.

Ada: Oh, I'm sorry.

Sharky: Well, it's been an adjustment.

Ada: Yeah, I'll bet. Any children?

Sharky: Yeah, I have a son, Aaron. He's an orthodontist.

Ada: Oh.

Sharky: And you?

Ada: Two daughters.

Sharky: Uh-huh.

Ada: You're a chef.

Sharky: Surprised?

Ada: Well, yes.

Sharky: Why? What'd you think Iíd be when I grew up?

Ada: I don't know, something kind of wild and dangerous.

Sharky: Well, I cook with a lot of spices. I tried being an actor for a while. I worked one day in 3 1/2 years. I'm afraid as a performer, I was a loser.

Ada: Oh, you couldn't be a loser at anything.

Sharky: Ada, Ada. You really do look wonderful.

Ada: Well, I feel pretty good. Knock wood.

Sharky: Yeah. You're a widow, huh?

Ada: I have been for a while.

Sharky: Do you -- do you date?

Ada: To me, a date is something you eat when you're sick of prunes.

[Sharky laughs]

Sharky: Yeah. Ahem. So -- am I the same guy? Am I the same guy you knew back in high school?

Ada: Oh. Well, you know, you -- nobody expects anybody to be the same as they were years ago.

Sharky: Oh, really? You think I've changed, huh?

Ada: Well, you're still Sharky.

Sharky: No, no, no, no, no. I'm Sidney Sugarman now.

Ada: Sidney?

Sidney: Mm-hmm.

Ada: Only the teachers called you Sidney -- you know, only when you were in trouble.

Sidney: Then you're disappointed.

Ada: What are you talking about?

Sidney: Oh, come on, Ada. I'm not what you expected, am I?

Ada: Well, why do you say that?

Sidney: Because at my age Iíve earned the right to say what I think. You've earned that right, too.

Ada: Yes, I have.

Sidney: Well, why don't you admit it? You were expecting a little magic.

Ada: Magic?

Sidney: Yeah, the kind of magic we had way back then. The chemistry, the romance.

Ada: That's crazy.

Sidney: Well, there's nothing wrong with being a little crazy.

Ada: We did have a lot of laughs, though.

Sidney: Yeah. Hey, do you remember Rosanne at the lido?

Ada: Oh!

Sidney: Huh?

Ada: Do I? She painted the inside of my locker handle with tar.

Sidney: Yeah, but did you get back at her. Nobody got away with a thing with you.

Ada: Well, you were pretty clever, too.

Sidney: Well, I was fast on my feet. Hey, let's you and me go dancing, hmm? Come on, a little fox trot, a little cha-cha-cha, huh?

Ada: Uh -- oh, Sharky, nobody does those dances anymore.

Sidney: Well, we'll bring them back, you and me. What do you say?

Ada: Ok, sure.

Sidney: Good. Hey, remember the Charleston? Da, da --

Ada: Charleston?

Sidney: Charleston -- da, da

Ada: Da, da, da-da, da, da, da

Sidney: Remember?

Ada: Da, da, da

Sam: Rejection, the final frontier. When you face it, it's rough. When it happens, it's rougher.

Evan: May I?

Singers: Looking for another ooh, ooh

Woman: Interesting. Looks like he knows his way around.

Second woman: Wonder what he does for a living.

Singer: Looking for another single heart

Woman: I'll date him if he drives a foreign sports car.

Evan: Bartender, may I have tequila, please? Thank you.

Woman: Probably married with children and would definitely lie about it.

Second woman: Good-looking. He might make me forget about Dan. Maybe.

Third woman: I'll give him a phony phone number in case he turns out to be a drip.

First woman: Egotistical. Never passed a mirror in his life.

Second woman: What a body. We could make great children.

First woman: If he's not right for me, I'll give him to my sister.

Second woman: Or my friend Beth. Or my boss, Jenny.

Third woman: Somebody could use him.

[Alarm beeps]

Third woman: That's my biological clock. Buy me a drink?

Singers: Single heart

Singer: Single heart

Amanda: You make that woman sound like Sheena, queen of the jungle.

Evan: Sometimes you definitely feel like big game.

Amanda: Women just want to know where they stand. Is that so terrible?

Sam: We're talking about what men want.

Sharlene: John, you're back.

John: I didn't like the way things ended.

Sharlene: Neither did I.

John: Sharlene, you practically pushed me out the door, and I don't know why.

Sharlene: Oh, John, I care about you so much. I just need to know that this is going somewhere.

John: Oh. Yeah. Well, I --

Cass: The accused will be seated. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

John: The whole truth?

Cass: I'll ask the questions here.

John: Yes, sir.

Cass: Is it not true, Mr. Hudson -- is it not true that you premeditatedly and with malice aforethought mutilated, not to mention folded and spindled, any and all genuine feelings you may have had for women?

John: All right, I admit it, I admit it! I'm guilty!

Cass: Just as I thought.

John: I'm afraid of commitment.

Cass: The most heinous crime of the 1980s.

John: Whenever I get close to a woman, I --

Cass: What? What, Hudson? What?

John: I find fault!

Cass: You cad! You bounder!

John: I know, I know. I really hate that about myself. I really do, but don't you see? It gives me an excuse to leave, to get out of the relationship.

Cass: Give the court some details, Hudson, and the gorier the better.

John: Well, it might be the way she wears her hat. It might be the way she sips her tea. It might be all of that.

Cass: No, no they can't take that away from me

John: I break out into a cold sweat when a hug lasts too long.

Cass: Guilty of withholding affection.

John: I object to everything.

Cass: Overruled, and overcome with lack of emotion.

John: Then I throw myself at the mercy of the court.

Cass: Admit it, Hudson -- you're not good enough to be loved.

John: Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Cass: [As groucho Marx] how far would you go?

John: Well, I want to care, but I don't want to make a mistake.

Cass: [Normal voice] you're not alone, Hudson. The question is, what does society do with a man guilty of mixed messages, ambivalent feelings, ambiguous ambience, and ambidextrous ambiversion, hmm?

John: I want to love! I really do! But I just can't bring myself to say the M word.

Cass: Hmm.

[John groans]

Cass: Mm-hmm.

John: M word. Hmm.

Sharlene: So, you were saying?

John: M word.

Sharlene: M word?

John: Uh -- Ed-- Edward. Edward. Edward Albee. Edward Albee. Did you ever see "Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf"?

Lisa: Did you hear something?

Matt: I didn't hear anything.

Lisa: Nobody there.

Matt: Maybe it's the ghost of Valentineís Day past.

Lisa: Matt, I'm serious. I've been feeling really weird. I thought somebody was following me before.

Matt: When?

Lisa: When I got out of my car.

Matt: That was me.

Lisa: Oh, great.

Matt: So, let's stop thinking about your problems and talk about me.

Lisa: Ok, what about you?

Matt: I need to talk to you.

Lisa: Something wrong?

Matt: Uh, I want to ask Josie to the Valentine's dance.

Lisa: Well, that doesn't sound like a problem.

Matt: Well, it is for me and Josie. We end up fighting. I can't understand -- why do women say they don't want to make love to you? They want you to wait. And then when you respect that and wait, they get all steamed up.

Lisa: Yes, that is confusing.

Matt: The thing is, you know, I try to be caring and gentle and nice. And then I say, "Wait a minute. That's what women do. I better do something macho right now or she won't think Iím a real guy." I have to be tough and insensitive. I mean, that's what turns women on, right?

Lisa: It doesn't turn me on.

Matt: It doesn't?

Lisa: Matt, you're great just the way you are.

Matt: No.

Lisa: You're a very sexy guy. You don't know that?

Matt: I am?

Lisa: If you just believed it, then the things between you and Josie would work themselves out. Go ask her to the dance.

Matt: Ok, I will. I'll stop by here a little later and let you know how it turned out, ok?

Lisa: Ok. Good luck.

Matt: Thank you. See you later.

Ronnie: I need a favor from you, Zack.

Zack: Good, I was hoping I could get you in my debt.

Ronnie: Well, I'm not sure you feel ready for it.

Zack: Well, if you're ready, I'm ready.

Ronnie: Well, my place. I know this is very forward of me, but it's -- it's just a little too crowded. I mean, I live with my mother and my brother and --

Zack: Oh, I see. Ronnie, this is terrific. I've been waiting for something like this for a long time.

Ronnie: For what?

Zack: When do you want to move in?

Ronnie: No, no, no, wait a minute! I'm not about to jump into bed with you.

Zack: Ok, ok. One step at a time, then. I could sleep here on the couch.

Ronnie: No, no, no, I can sleep in my place. I was talking about Reuben.

Zack: Reuben?

Ronnie: Yeah. I mean, he needs a place to stay, just until he gets on his feet.

Zack: Look, Ronnie, the thing is that Reuben and I aren't exactly what you'd call compatible.

Ronnie: Oh, Zack, please. It wouldn't be for very long. It's just all Reuben and I seem to do these days is fight. I just can't take it.

Cass: You find you put her feelings first, you sacrifice things that mean a lot to you.

Zack: Ok. I'll do it. He can stay.

Ronnie: Oh, Zack, thank you.

Zack: Look --

Cass: That's the real thing.

Zack: I'm happy to do it, really.

Ronnie: Well, I have to get to the hospital, but Iíll call Reuben first.

Zack: Listen, I'm not doing this because of Reuben, but because I care very much about his sister.

Cass: Mm-hmm, the real thing.

Ada: You're still quite a hoofer, you know that?

Sidney: Well, you're not too bad yourself. Have you noticed Iím losing my hair?

Ada: No.

Sidney: I thought about getting a piece.

Ada: Donít. This is good. You look very dignified.

Sidney: I look very bald.

Ada: You're a handsome man, Sharky.

Sidney: Are you ready for a dip?

Ada: Huh?

Sidney: Like this.

Ada: Oh! Sharky!

Sidney: What?

Ada: I wasn't ready.

Sidney: Well, you handled it beautifully.

Ada: All I need is to throw my back out.

Sidney: Oh? Got a bad back?

Ada: No, I've got a very good back, but I'd like to keep it that way.

Sidney: Well, you've got a lot more than just a good back. You still got that same great honesty. You're still very funny. You're still wonderful.

Ada: What is all this "honest, funny, and wonderful"? Whatever happened to gorgeous, sexy, stunning?

Sidney: Well, you're all those things, too. I mean, you really are, Bubbles.

Ada: Nobody ever calls me Bubbles anymore.

Sidney: Well, maybe it's just as well. You still have that same fire you used to have.

Ada: I had to have fire. I didn't have much else.

Sidney: Well, you always wanted to be somebody, Ada. And you always worked so hard. I was impressed by that.

Ada: You were?

Sidney: Mm-hmm. Do you remember the night you graduated from beautician school?

Ada: Oh, I haven't thought about that for years.

Ada: Sharky, I did it. You're looking at the most recent graduate of the l.B. Honeywell beauty school. They gave us our certificates tonight.

Sidney: I'm proud of you, bubbles.

Ada: Nobody's going to push me around anymore.

Sidney: Well, the others -- they're just jealous.

Ada: You know, if I have a kid of my own, Iíll tell my daughter, "Be somebody. Go after what you want. You can have it all."

Sidney: Ada --

Ada: You know, I even got the golden comb award. It's for the most adventurous hairstyle.

Sidney: I've got some news, too, honey.

Ada: Oh, no.

Sidney: Yeah. I just got my orders today. I'm leaving on the next train. Don't cry, Ada. Dance with me. One last dance.

Ada: I can't dance. Not now.

Sidney: Now is the best time to dance. Come on. Just hold me. Come on. Lean on me. I wanted to ask her to marry me, but I didn't think it was fair. I mean, me going off to war and all. Men were the providers. We weren't supposed to get sentimental and romantic, so we just didn't say what we felt in our hearts. Ada, will you --

Ada: Yes?

Sidney: Write?

Singer: For heaven countin' every mile of railroad track

Ada: For a minute there, I thought he'd ask me to marry him. But there I was, a poor but proud little beautician from the side of Bay City his family didn't even want to drive through.

Sidney: Oh, she wouldn't have married me anyway. She was too good for me. I was kind of a playboy, sort of footloose. But I always kept the lock of hair she gave me fresh from the l.B. Honeywell beauty school.

Ada: I gave him a lock of my hair. I clipped it with my first professional pair of hairstyling scissors. He must have had some big laugh about that.

Sidney: She probably forgot all about me when she went out with Gerald Davis from the pool hall.

Ada: I watched the mailbox every day, and soon he just stopped writing.

Sidney: So I got on with my life.

Ada: If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. Right? Do you remember when we used to dance all night and then watch the sun come up?

Sidney: Yeah. Gosh, we danced until our feet gave out at the U.S.O. club.

Ada: Did you know that spike heels were invented by a man?

Sidney: Uh-oh.

Ada: What?

Sidney: There it went.

Ada: What?

Sidney: The flicker. A teeny one, but a flicker nonetheless, of magic.

Ada: You've nipping at the cooking sherry there, Sharky.

[Sidney laughs]

Ada: Oh, excuse me -- Sidney.

Sidney: Oh, that reminds me, I should be going. I've got to get up early to try to find a job.

Ada: You didn't tell me you were looking for a job.

Sidney: Yeah, I thought I'd check out the new hotels in Chicago.

Ada: Wait a minute.

Sidney: What?

Ada: I got a proposition for you.

Sidney: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm way too old-fashioned for that. All propositions come from me.

Ada: How would you like to work for me?

Sidney: For you?

Ada: I manage a restaurant. I need a chef.

Sidney: You're on.

Ada: You're good, right?

Sidney: I'm the best.

Ada: You're hired.

Sidney: This must be fate.

Ada: Or magic.

Sharlene: I don't know how to say this, John. I -- women need to have a future. They need to feel secure.

John: I don't react well to pressure.

Sharlene: But doesn't not knowing make you nervous?

John: No. No, knowing makes me nervous. It makes me feel trapped.

Sharlene: I had no idea. I mean, I've been so busy thinking about my own fears, I never thought about -- I never thought about your fears.

John: Oh, come on, Sharlene, it's as plain as the nose on your face. Two people get together, they get to be a couple, they get a little too comfortable with one another, and then all of a sudden they start taking advantage of each other. And there goes the joy, there goes everything.

Sharlene: Well, I have an idea. I have an idea. Let's make a pact. Come on. Let's make a pact. Let's make -- how about you and I keep our independence? We never take each other for granted. We never get too used to one another. But we still manage to be a couple.

John: You still think that we can do both?

Sharlene: Oh, boy, I don't know. But it'd be a lot of fun trying.

John: Sure will.

[Sharlene laughs]

Sam: So, Evan, the time has come for you to describe to us your ideal of the perfect woman.

Amanda: And don't leave anything out.

Sam: No detail can be omitted.

Evan: The perfect woman.

Sam: Has she been invented yet?

Singers: Light the fire you place the flowers

Evan: She'll be gentle. Very gentle. And fun.

Sam: What does she look like?

Evan: Oh, it doesn't matter. She'll just be the kind of woman that'll make me the best that I can be.

Amanda I like that.

Evan: And she won't be shopping around for some rich guy or some guy with hot prospects.

Sam: Gold diggers need not apply, huh?

Evan: Now, she will spot my faults.

Amanda: And what might they be?

Evan: Well, those are too far, too few to mention. But she'll see them, and she'll love me in spite of them.

Sam: Sounds like a winner.

Evan: Yeah. But my biggest fear is that I'll invest in her and she won't ďpay off.

Sam: Excuse-- we're not talking about stocks here, man. We're talking about a person.

Evan: Yeah, but I just can't give everything to someone -- I mean, love her completely -- and then she leaves me. Hey, I don't need that.

Amanda: Evan Bates, you just ended a relationship before it even began. You're not insecure.

Evan: No, not really. But women -- I don't know -- they have -- I don't know -- they have, like, these private thoughts. They can be bored, they can be unhappy without men ever knowing. I was left once, and it won't happen again.

Sam: Sounds like a lousy deal.

Evan: Yeah, it was. But, hey, look, I really got to be going.

Amanda: You know, Evan, there is someone out there for you.

Sam: So what are we looking for there, Evan? Um -- exciting woman, must be royalty, or a brilliant PhD. Bilingual, maybe a financial wizard, into bonds.

Evan: Yeah, right, whatever. Have fun with your research.

Amanda: You know, Evan, not all relationships end badly. I would never leave Sam. I love him too much.

Evan: Well, what about your mother?

Amanda: What do you mean?

Evan: Well, she loves Mac, right?

Amanda: Right.

Evan: And she left him, didn't she? For a little while?

Reuben: You know, I love women, but I ain't going to get down on my knees and beg one of them to marry me. No, man, that's crazy. See, that's like admitting that you're whipped, like you lost the battle. See, women like a guy who can take charge, you know what I mean? To be the boss, to be the man. So that is what you got to be.

Zack: You know, I think men fall in love easily. I mean, they want to give up being alone. They want to be taken care of. But the paradox is we feel we have to protect women. I don't know, it's just a major part of our upbringing. Personally, I want to do a good job of it. I don't think I've grown up quite enough yet.

Matt: I can be totally in love -- totally -- and still wonder maybe there's somebody better out there for me. Maybe not. But if I just look a little longer -- I don't know, maybe we have too much freedom.

John: Men get a little unnerved by a woman's grading system, sometimes a lot unnerved. When Iím with a woman, I like to show her off. I'm real proud. But women -- some of them, anyway -- they like to tell all their girlfriends about all the man's faults right upfront so that their friends won't be disappointed. For instance, they'll say, "well, he's a little older and he's not a great conversationalist. And don't bring up politics -- he's got a bad temper." Now, why -- why do they do that? Do they feel like they're controlling the situation? In my opinion, when you love someone, you should never really know who's driving.

Cass: Things sure were much simpler in the good old days, when parents arranged their children's marriages. I'm such a kidder. Uh, once upon a time I actually went to prep school. And while I was there, I wrote a letter and invited this young girl to visit me. It was a very passionate letter. I mean, the prose was deep purple, hormones popping off the pages -- that sort of thing. And when I got to the end of it and signed it, "respectfully yours, Cass Winthrop," I was in a state of panic. I was sweating bullets. So I went on to write, "P.S. -- This is just a joke. Don't come." I may have been young, but even then I couldn't give a woman that much power over me. But I'll tell you one thing. If Iím ever lucky enough to have a son, Iím going tell him, "Itís ok to get hurt. You'll get over that. Just be honest."

Zack: Come on in. No smoking, no long-distance phone calls, and you clean up after yourself.

Reuben: Yo, man, I ain't too happy with this arrangement, neither, all right? But I just ain't got no choice in the matter.

Zack: Look, did you eat? I don't know if there's anything in there, but you're welcome to whatever.

Reuben: Yo, what is this, man? Ain't nothing in here to eat. Look, you got a open bottle of champagne. You got two red things in here. I believe they're supposed to be tomatoes. I can't tell because there's mold all over them. You know, you got two slices of something. That's either supposed to be bologna or cheese. That's the nastiest thing I ever saw in my life.

Zack: Yeah, well, look, I know you need a woman to keep you all together. I mean, look, the only time I really function is at the office.

Reuben: Yeah, you got it bad, man. You got bacheloritis.

Zack: And you're a regular comedian, Reuben.

Reuben: Yeah, I just know how to have fun, man. I know how to live the good life.

Zack: Look, forget that. I'm not going to stand for any of your crap. You stay here, you're on the straight and narrow, just like that couch you're sleeping on.

[Reuben laughs]

Reuben: You probably think Iím a big waste of time, don't you?

Zack: Look, the jury's still out on you. The person that counts here is your sister. You break her heart, you deal with me.

Reuben: No, no, no, no, man. That's a two-way street, all right? Because you're the one who's dating her. How do I know you're not going to break her heart, huh?

John: Oh. If I had one wish right now --

Sharlene: Go on.

John: It would be to romance you right.

Sharlene: What's right?

John: Champagne, flowers.

Sharlene: Oh, I don't know, a can of beer and a sandwich is fine as long as you're here.

John: What I would really wish for is that I could take away all the hard times you've ever had and give you the world.

Sharlene: A whole world?

John: Every bit of it.

Sharlene: Hmm.

[Cupid laughs]

[TV plays]

Singer: Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot wouldn't you like to get away? And sometimes you want to go

Singers: Where everybody knows your name

[Lisa gasps]

Lisa: What do you want? Get out of here!

Man: Help me.

Lisa: Get out!

Man: Stop Fanny.

Lisa: Get out of here! Matt! Get out! Matt! Matt!

Matt: He's gone, he's gone.

Lisa: Matt Ė

Singer: You want to go where people know you belong all the same you want to go where everybody knows your name

John: Don't say no. Not tonight.

Sam: Sometimes a man doesn't know what he wants until he gets it.

Cass: Hey, hey. Come here. Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Matt: Well, I --

Zack: She's a very attractive woman, right? Smart, sensitive.

Matt: Yeah, and --

[Reuben barks]

Reuben: All right, way to go, man! But, yo, check it out. Don't take it too seriously, all right?

Matt: But I --

John: Be prepared for the hurt.

Cass and Zack: Mm-hmm.

John: Yours and hers.

Matt: It just gets more and more complicated. It's not like I don't already have enough to deal with. I love Josie -- I think. I've never felt this way about anyone before -- except Lisa. Lisa. Oh, I can't believe it.

Sidney: When Sylvia died, I got another bed. My son was very understanding, but he didn't really understand. I slept next to Sylvia for over 40 years, on the left side. I still sleep on the left side. Funny.

John: It's too good with Sharlene. Can't believe I just said that. How could something this good be too good?

Zack: If this thing doesn't work with Ronnie, there are more fish in the sea. I hate fishing. It's boring and you never catch what you want.

Reuben: Yeah, if a woman could just figure out -- no, I'd better not say that. Ok, if a woman could just do the thing -- no, Iím not going to say that, either. What I want a girl to do is -- look, I ain't looking for nobody, but I ain't got my eyes closed, neither.

Cass: "What I love about Nicole Love," by Cass Winthrop. Besides being beautiful and funny and vivacious and talented and stubborn as hell, Nicole loves me. Imagine that.

Amanda: Well, what do you think?

Sam: I think you're very good.

Amanda: You really think so?

Sam: Most definitely.

Singer: How wonderful how wonderful

Singers: Single heart

Singer: Single heart

Singers: Looking for another single heart

Singer: Single heart

Singers: Looking for another ooh, ooh ooh, ooh

Singer: Looking for another single heart

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