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As The World Turns Transcript Thursday 4/17/08

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Provided By Suzanne
Proofread By Emma

Katie: Oh, I am never going to be ready on time. This is going to be a nightmare.

Hair person: It's all about the hair. Once we have your hair done, everything will be perfect.

Make-up artist: It's all about the make-up. Once we have your make-up done, everything'll be perfect.

Katie: I suppose you're going to tell me it's all about the dress?

Dresser: I was going to say it's about the hottie who's waiting to marry you. But the right dress can't hurt.

Katie: This bodice feels tight.

Kim: 15 minutes, warning to air.

Katie: Oh, no. I'm never going to be ready in 15 minutes. I need hair. I need make-up. I need -- [Dress rips] to be put out of my misery.

Carly: Why are you being so nice to me?

Holden: I told you, I get where you're coming from. People think that making it to the altar is the tough part, but then they get married and they realize that the hard part has just started. And nobody knows that better than Lily and me.

Carly: Well, I'm sorry, Holden. I don't want to minimize what you and Lily have gone through. And I know that things are still tentative between the two of you. But trust me, my issues with Jack are much more screwed up than anything you and Lily have had to deal with.

[Lily gets the box Holden took to the attic and takes it downstairs to the kitchen]

Lily: Lisa's Halloween party. The three musketeers. Oh. Oh, Big Max. My first love. I can't believe you're gone.

Jack: Mike, what are you doing here?

Mike: I'm the best man.

Jack: I think you're mistaken. I'm the best man.

Henry: And they say a good man is hard to find.

[Henry laughs nervously]

Katie: That dress will never be ready on time. I cannot get married in my underwear on live TV. I'm not Madonna! What am I going to do? What are we going to do?

Tom: Hey, you're home early.

Margo: I had an uncontrollable urge to come home and make good on that rain check from a couple -- just a couple of days ago.

Tom: Really?

Margo: Yeah.

Tom: Yeah, that was the day that you ran out of here so you could make sure that Brad and Katie didn't elope.

Margo: Yeah. Was that -- yeah, I'd forgotten. Yeah.

Tom: Yeah. Kind of like you're doing now, acting like you don't know that your sister's getting married in, how long will it be? Woah! Three minutes. You're going to really let your sister have a wedding without you there?

Jack: What are you trying to pull here?

Mike: Brad asked me to be his best man. I said yes.

Jack: Katie asked me to be Brad's best man. And I said yes.

Henry: So, what we have here is a few good men. Army, eat your heart out, right? Oh, thank God for divine intervention. Hi. Right here. Brad, Brad, Brad. Brad, Brad.

Brad: Yeah? What, what, what?

Henry: Two best men. Not good. Fix it.

Brad: Looking sharp, Gentlemen. Looking sharp.

Holden: You and Jack have problems. Bigger than average problems, but all couples go through that. Lily and I, we've been there a bunch of times.

Carly: But you always find your way back.

Holden: So far. Sometimes, I think we take it for granted. It's almost like we expect things to work out. It makes me wonder, are we really trying, or are we just going through the motions, waiting for the inevitable?

Carly: But that's what's so special about you two. Everybody knows that you getting back together is inevitable.

Holden: Maybe. But, you know what? An awful lot of people would say the same thing about you and Jack.

Carly: Jack and I aren't like you and Lily. There was a time when I deluded myself into thinking we were. That the same force that always brings you back together would have some kind of pull on us. But -- it's over for good this time.

Holden: How can you be sure?

Carly: I had my eyes opened. And I see now that I will never live up to Jack's standards. He will always find fault with me. I used to think that the problems he had were because of the things I did. But it's who I am. There's nothing I can do to change that. And I'm tired of trying.

Holden: I don't blame you.

Jack: Can I -- for a second? This is a -- this a joke, right? Two best men who happen to be the ex-husbands of the bride walk into a bar --

Brad: You're the one cracking jokes. I'm serious.

Jack: Katie actually agreed to this?

Brad: Katie is totally cool with this.

Katie: I am not cool with this. It's ruined, isn't it? It's ruined. My wedding is totally and completely ruined.

Mike: You decent?

Katie: I'm naked, and I'm freaking out!

Mike: No worries. It's not like I've never seen you upset before. Or in your underwear, for that matter.

Katie: Not now, Mike.

Mike: Is there anything I can do to help, Angel?

Katie: I told you, I don't want you ever calling me that again. I am not your angel. I am not your anything. It is over, Mike. Why can't you understand that?

Jack: This is a mistake. You get married to Katie, I'm gonna --

Brad: No, no, no, no, no. You can't go. No. You can't leave. No way.

Mike: Listen to your heart. What is it saying?

Katie: My heart is full of love for Brad.

Mike: This is supposed to be the happiest day of your life, Katie, and you look like you're about ready to cry.

Katie: You don't know what you're talking about.

Mike: I know exactly what I am talking about. How can you move on with Brad before you and I have had a chance to sort out our feelings for each other?

Kim: This is a five-minute warning to air! What's he doing here?

Seamstress: You don't want to know.

Kim: You're right, I don’t. Mike, out. Katie has to get dressed.

Mike: I just need another minute.

Katie: Your time ran out a long time ago. We're done.

Seamstress: Okay, dress is ready. Hurry up, try it on.

Katie: I need to be a bride. Please, leave.

Mike: Are you afraid there'll be a rerun of the last time we met like this?

Katie: Get out. Get out!

Margo: I would be a hypocrite to stand up for Katie at this wedding. And I know she's just glomming onto a man because she doesn't want to face her feelings for her ex-husband, or the other ex-husband -- well, there's all but three of them there. I'm just being honest.

Tom: You know, it must be nice to always be right. To kind of know more than anybody else.

Margo: It's a bit of a burden.

Tom: You know what? She's still your sister. Lyla's on the road, Craig is god knows where, and she wants you there, whether she admits it or not. So why don't you just call a truce for the afternoon and go to your sister's wedding?

Carly: Did you just admit to me that a Snyder might be a little bit hard to please?

Holden: You know what, you're not the first person to mention that. But can I, uh -- can I put in a good word for us Snyders? Yes, we do have high standards. We can be a bit stubborn, even a touch unforgiving. Do you wanna know why?

Carly: Too much fresh air and clean living?

Holden: It's because we're only human. And doesn't everybody struggle with letting go? Of the good things and the bad things? Doesn't everybody struggle when they have something that they really believe in and they're trying to see it from another person's point of view?

Carly: But isn't that the point of loving someone? To let go, love them, even when you don't see eye to eye?

Holden: I suppose.

Carly: I've been trying for a long time to get Jack to see that.

Holden: Listen, I need to head back to the house. You're welcome to stay out here if you want.

Carly: No. I'll walk back with you.

Lily: I'm sorry, Holden. I can't let it go. Not yet.

[Lily takes out of the box a t-shirt and cassette tape and puts it in a paper bag and hides it behind some canned jars in the kitchen cabinet. And takes the box outside by the cellar]

Henry: I know this isn't your normal clambake. We are going live, and I suspect it will be lively.

Minister: Fear not. I'm a huge fan of Brad and Katie's show. I know exactly what needs to be done. I happen to be an actor by training, myself. R.A.D.A.

Henry: R.A.D.A.? Really, the royal academy of dramatic arts?

Minister: Russian auxiliary.

Dresser: You can exhale now.

Make-up artist: Well, at least open your eyes. I need to check your mascara.

Kim: Oh, Katie.

Katie: Oh, no. What's wrong now?

Kim: Oh! You look absolutely beautiful.

Katie: I do?

Kim: Yes.

Brad: You don't want to stick around for Katie? Fine. How about you do it for me?

Jack: This coming from the guy who didn't want me to be his best man in the first place.

Brad: It doesn't mean that I don't want you to be my brother. You going to walk out on that job, too? We're -- we're family. And you know, we always don't see eye to eye on everything. And then there's this whole Katie thing. But hey, I won, you lost, Katie and I are getting married. Can you please -- can you please just be happy for me? Can you quit acting like such a sore loser and just back us up? Please?

Mike: Best man reporting for duty.

Jack: Where do I stand?

Kim: All right, everybody. Places, places! We're about to go on the air. This is live television. Get in place.

Stage manager: Stand by. And action.

[“Here Comes the Bride" plays]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, welcome to a very special episode of "Oakdale Now." Celebrate with us as co-hosts Katie Peretti and Brad Snyder enter into holy matrimony. After a brief word from our sponsor.

Margo: The wedding's about to begin and Katie's going to go ahead and marry Brad, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Tom: Absolutely not. I can see you're not even going to watch it, huh?

Margo: Shh, you're bothering me.

Henry: That's your cue. Begin the betrothal. Launch the liturgy. Institute the institution. Remember your Russian training, right? The show-ski must go on-ski. Oakdale, we have a problem. He's gone Cindy Brady on us.

Katie: What are we going to do?

Brad: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. We are experiencing a minor technical difficulties. We'll go to commercial.

Katie: What are we going to do?

Kim: We have two minutes till we come back from commercial. If this gentleman is out of commission, who is going to perform the ceremony?

Brad: We could dress up one of the prop guys.

Henry: No, no, no, it wouldn't be legal.

Brad: It's got to be legal?

Kim: Yes.

Katie: Henry!

Henry: What?

Katie: You -- you have a certificate to perform marriages. You did it with me and Mike. You can do it with me and Brad.

Henry: Well, considering how the last wedding I officiated at turned out, I -- I'm due for a really big hit. There's, uh -- there's only one problem.

Katie: What?

Henry: Well, if I'm the clergy, then we are done one man of honor.

Brad: That's no sweat. I've got attendants to spare. I mean, you could use Jack and Mike as a loaner.

Katie: No! Kim, you're the one who insisted that I have someone.

Kim: Honey, we've got 30 seconds to air -- you go out there without clothes, just go.

Katie: Let's get married.

Brad: Let's strip this dude.

Henry: All right. Though I'm pretty sure the church put out a pamphlet frowning on this sort of thing.

Margo: This is -- this is a train wreck ready to happen. I wonder what's going to happen next. Monkeys on skates?

Tom: Would you please give your sister a break?

Brad: The role of preacher man will now be played by Henry Coleman. Sorry, folks, no understudy for the maid -- matron -- man of honor. You understand what I'm saying. Just an idea -- you folks at home, just imagine that you're standing here, standing up for the bride.

Henry: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of family and friends, ex-husbands, cameramen and hopefully many a Nielsen box at home, to join this man and this woman in that ultimate reality show of holy matrimony. As Elizabeth Barrett Browning might have written, how is marriage like a television show, let me count the ways. A marriage must be developed carefully. Focus groups may be consulted, but it's best to take their advice with a grain of salt. A marriage must be watched dutifully and faithfully, daily, to insure its success. It must stay true to its history, yet not be afraid to evolve and keep boredom at bay. Adorable moppets may be added to the cast as the years pass. But they should not push to the back burner our core couple, the ones that got us hooked in the first place.

Tom: Yeah, you know, the wedding party, it is -- it is lopsided. There's no matron of honor.

Margo: Mute.

Tom: Don't even try to play bad cop with me. I know how romantic you are deep, deep down. So just quit moping and get down there and stand up for your sister. You know, I'll bet if took your car, put the siren on top and ran a few red lights, you could be there in, what, under three minutes? Sweetie, this is live. If you do not go there now, there will not be a second take.

[Margo sighs]

Margo: All right. What are you waiting for, huh? Come on.

Tom: "Hey, Tom, that was really smart. Thanks for talking me into it."

Margo: Hey, Tom, that was really smart. You can play with my siren.

Tom: Deal.

Henry: So, what do you two lovebirds say? Is this pilot ready to go to series?

Brad: Lifetime syndication.

[Holden and Carly walk up to the house. Holden sees the box Dusty sent Lily sitting on the storm cellar]

Holden: Carly, why don't you go on inside. Lily should be in the house. I have something I need to take care of.

[Holden picks up the box]

Carly: Okay. [Carly goes into the house] Hi.

Lily: Hi.

Carly: I came by earlier. You weren't here. Holden was here to keep me from losing my mind.

Lily: What's wrong? What happened?

Carly: Jack and I are over.

Lily: Oh, Carly, are you sure?

Carly: Yeah. I keep telling myself it's for the best. You know, that I am just as sick of Jack as he is of me. But they're just words. I can say them, I can even mean them if I try. But I can't feel them. I can think about a life without Jack, but when I try to feel it, I just -- I don't know how I'm going to go on without him. I don't know.

Henry: If there is anyone here who can produce a reason why this man and this woman shouldn't receive a multiseason pick-up, let him speak now or forever remain on mute. Those of you at home can play along on our companion website, justgetalongwiththeweddingalready.com. Okay, all right. The cliffhanger has been resolved, so I guess we'll, uh -- we'll cut to the vows. Brad and Katie, you have come here vowing to love, cherish, honor, defend, cheer up, annoy, slam doors on, but still love each other anyway, until death do you part. Would you take each other's hands, please? Put it here. Katie Peretti, do you take this man, Brad Snyder, to be your lawfully wedded husband? To cooperate, co-host, cohabitate and co-parent with, for as long as you both shall live?

[Katie hiccups]

Brad: Was that an I do?

[Katie hiccups]

Henry: Like I was saying, Katie, do you -- [Katie hiccups] Mazel tov!

[Katie hiccups]

Brad: We need a spoonful of sugar.

Henry: That's to make medicine go down.

Brad: No, that's one of Aunt Emma’s secret recipes for making the hiccups go away.

Katie: I'll try anything.

Henry: Okay, okay, let me think. Rub your earlobes. [Katie hiccups] Tongue to your upper lip. [Katie hiccups] Tighten the muscles in your throat.

Brad: Ooh, that's a good one.

[Katie hiccups]

Margo: We're here, we're here. Did we make it? Is the wedding over?

Jack: No, just another unscheduled commercial break.

Mike: Katie's got a vicious case of the hiccups.

Margo: Oh, oh, nerve-ups. That's what we used to call it when she was a kid. It happens every time she gets nervous.

Mike: Do you know how to get rid of them?

[Katie hiccups]

Margo: Cellulite!

Katie: What? Where? Where? Where, where, where, where? They're gone. I think -- they are! They're gone!

[All laughing]

Henry: Cellulite, Margo?

Brad: Yes.

Margo: Well, what every woman fears. Shouldn't you be getting married now?

Carly: Every time I refuse to give up and get Jack back, he accuses me of being the same old Carly. He doesn't want that woman anymore. And I can't stop being her any more than he can stop being Jack. And that puts us right back where we started. I'm going to go, uh, get myself together. Excuse me.

Lily: Did Carly fill you in on her and Jack?

Holden: She said that it was definitely over between them. She seemed very sure about it. Maybe this really is it.

Lily: No, absolutely not. Anybody who loves each other, there's got to be a way to work it out. There's got to be something that we can do.

Holden: Like what?

Brad: Welcome back, Folks. What do you know, we have another recast. The part of Henry Coleman will now be played by Margo Hughes, matron of honor.

Henry: Okay, we are burning daylight, people. Time is money and this isn't the Oscars, so we must end on time. So, condensed version -- Brad Snyder -- you, Katie Peretti, love, honor, cherish, and at least pretend to obey from time to time?

Brad: I do.

Henry: Great. Katie Peretti -- you, Brad Snyder, everything I said to Brad, except for the obey part, because let's not be ridiculous.

Katie: I do.

Henry: Right. Here, exchange these rings. And now, pledge -- with this ring, I, insert your name, thee wed.

Margo: Katie, no second takes. You're absolutely, positively sure Brad's the one?

Brad: Katie, with this ring, I thee wed.

Katie: Brad, with this ring, I --

Henry: Pass out? Did you ask us to be quiet? You're insane!

Margo: Here, here, get her to breathe with this.

Brad: I suppose this is another one of Katie's childhood tics?

Margo: Oh, come on, ain't marriage grand? Always learning new things about each other. Put it up here.

Kim: Okay, we have run out of commercials. The affiliates are calling. I promised them a wedding. We'd like to know, is it going to happen?

Brad: Everybody, get out. Everybody, get out. Get out. Get out. Out, out, out.

Kim: Good idea. Good idea.

Brad: Out, out.

Kim: You know what, Margo, since you're so talkative today, you can help me fill the dead air. Why don't you tell about the time you and Tom escaped from that homicidal dwarf?

Brad: I got a confession to make. I asked Mike to be my best man as sort of a test. I thought that if you could say "I do" with him hanging around, then I would know for sure that you meant it. But I didn't -- I didn't realize the pressure that it would put on you. You know, it was an easy choice for me. I'm -- I'm in this for the long haul. I want the house and the kids and the "Good morning, Dear. What would you like for breakfast?" And I want to be with you long enough and -- for Brady and Kad to put us in a nursing home.

Katie: Brady and Kad?

Brad: Well, that part is negotiable. And as a matter of fact, so is the marriage part. You fainted -- you fainted. You fainted when Margo asked you if you were sure about me. That's not what anybody would call a ringing endorsement. So if you want out, Margo's right, now is -- now is the time. This is your last chance. I'll -- I will -- I will take the heat. I'll tell everybody it was my idea.

Katie: Why would you do that?

Brad: So you can go on with your life. You can marry whoever you want to marry. Or not, or -- so you can be happy. So you gotta tell me now. Do you want to marry me?

Mike: Katie faint at your wedding to her?

Jack: Nope.

Mike: I don't understand why she is in such a hurry to marry Brad.

Jack: She loves him. She thinks he's the one who can finally make her happy.

Mike: I know Katie says she believes that. But do you?

Lily: All I want to do is have a little dinner party. You, me, Carly, Jack. No pressure.

Holden: Throwing Jack and Carly into the same room, that's already pressure. All right, one condition.

Lily: What?

Lily: Jack and Carly have to know exactly what they're in for before they accept the invitation.

Lily: Okay.

Carly: What invitation?

Holden: It seems we're throwing a dinner party.

Lily: Yes. You, me, Holden and Jack.

Carly: No. No. Absolutely not.

Katie: You would let me off the hook? And you'd take the blame for me?

Brad: You don't listen so good, do you? It's what I've been saying from the start, you dummy. I love you. I want to see you happy. And if dumping me is what it takes, then so be it, I'll let you go. I want a future with you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. Do you feel the same?

Jack: It's for your own good, Mike. You gotta find a way to deal with Katie marrying Brad.

Mike: Like you did?

Kim: Katie, Honey? What's it going to be, Dear? Do you want to get married?

Katie: I do.


Kim: Oh, wonderful! Say that on camera and we'll be in business. Okay, places, everybody. Stand by.

Henry: Okay, once more with feeling. Katie, the ring.

Katie: Brad, with this ring, I thee wed.

Henry: Oh, praise the lord. By the power invested in me by God, the state of Illinois, and the click here to be ordained button, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Now kiss this woman before we're off the air, okay?

[“Wedding March" plays] Mr. and Mrs. America, may I present, Mr. and Mrs. Brad Snyder.


Carly: So we're clear on this, then, right? No fabulous foursome, no cozy little dinners, okay? This was your idea, I bet, huh? Forget it. None of this. No fairy godmothering.

Lily: Why?

Carly: It doesn't matter how many little mice you bring in from the barn and turn into horses. Jack and I are over. I've accepted it. So should you.

Lily: Well then, just humor me, then, if there's nothing to lose, right? If the dinner party is a complete disaster, then you only have me to blame. Jack has absolutely nothing on you. But if it does work -- oh, wait, you know, even if it just thaws the atmosphere a little bit, isn't it worth it? Think of it as a tiny step forward. Come on, what do you say?

Henry: Ah! So good.

Brad: Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Yahoo, we did it. Thank you for being with us. And don't forget, join Mr. and Mrs. Snyder on the next "Oakdale Now," after the honeymoon.

[Laughter and applause]

Henry: Ah, victory.

Jack: Congratulations.

Brad: I bet you thought it was never gonna happen.

Jack: No, I knew -- I know it was gonna happen. Because I knew it's what she really wanted.

Carly: All right, you win.

Lily: I do?

Carly: Yes.

Lily: Yay!

Carly: But only because I've got no fight left in me. So go ahead, throw your little dinner party. But don't get your hopes up. Jack will never go for it.

Lily: You know, maybe you should invite Jack.

Holden: No, no, no.

Lily: Why?

Holden: No, I think Carly should invite Jack.

Lily: Yeah.

Carly: Okay, good, sure. If there's one thing I'm used to, its Jack Snyder saying no.

Brad: Thanks for staying.

Jack: You just take care of our -- of your girl.

Brad: Till death do us part.

Jack: I wish you the best.

[Brad sighs]

Henry: So, is the whole Katie-loves-Brad vibe finally working on you?

Mike: They made it legal, I'll give them that. Say good-bye to the happy couple for me.

Henry: What, no kiss for the bride?

Mike: I don't feel like getting in line.

Henry: Well, as the guy who spent your wedding quietly sobbing into his cake, I would say, "Good call."

Katie: We are terrible hosts.

Brad: Or maybe we just have really good guests. They split so we could get to the best part. It is honeymoon time.

Katie: Yeah!

Brad: Mrs. Snyder. Woo!

Katie: You did not have to carry me all the way from WOAK. We got some pretty odd looks when we were crossing the street.

Brad: My wife is so beautiful, she stops traffic.

Katie: Well, please don't let me stop your heart. Let me down.

Brad: My heart? No, no. There is no more my. No me. Just we from now on.

Katie: Well, before we get a hernia, put me down.

Brad: Okay.

Katie: Wait.

Brad: What?

Katie: Nothing until we have our first dance as husband and wife.

Brad: Never fear, Don Ho is here.

Katie: Don who?

Brad: Not who. Ho.

[Music begins]

Don Ho: Tiny bubbles in the wine make me happy.

Waitress: Caught your act on TV, boss. You do a mean wedding.


Henry: I'm also available for christenings and bar mitzvahs. Though rarely at the same time. In honor of my great success, pepparkakor on the house for everybody. [Applause] Yes, hello, my spotted siren. I'm on my way home. Be prepared to sing a few rousing choruses of "Oh, come let us adore him." All right, my darling. Forgive me, Father, for I'm about to do some serious sinning.

Bartender: Your cute friend like a drink, too?

Mike: No, she's driving.

Carly: Nice duds. The department institute a dress code?

Jack: You didn't see it?

Carly: What?

Jack: It was on TV. Katie and Brad's wedding. Live and in color.

Carly: Oh. Well, good for them. Good for you, for going.

Jack: I was the best man. Well, one of them. Mike was the other.

Carly: How was that?

Jack: Exactly as you'd expect.

Carly: You okay?

Jack: Sure. Got to wish Katie the best. She's happy, she got what she wanted.

Carly: I stopped by the farm today. I saw Lily. She's having a little dinner party. Her and Holden, me -- she wanted me to ask you. I told her that it probably wasn't a good idea, you know, because of everything. But I didn't want to speak for you, so -- what do you think?

Jack: Why not?

Lily: It's going to work. Jack and Carly are far from over. I can see it. Now we just have to get Jack and Carly to see it.

Holden: Speaking of over, when I came back, I saw Dusty’s things. Does that mean what I think it means?

Lily: I think you're right. It's time to put the past behind me.

Brad: I didn't know it, but everything I ever did, every road I took, it was all so I could end up right now, right here with you.

Katie: I just wish I could spend every moment from now on feeling the way I do right now.

Brad: Without the hiccups?

Katie: Without the hiccups.

Brad: Without the fainting?

Katie: Without the fainting. Just with you.

Announcer: On the next "As the World Turns" --

Emily: He's buying you clothes, now? What are you doing for him?

Casey: You're in love with Noah, aren't you?

Paul: What's the most romantic thing you've ever heard of?

Sofie: It's kind of out there.

Paul: I'd like a balloon ride, please. For today.

Mike: Come on, when is the next time you're going to be able to take a balloon ride in your own backyard?

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