As The World Turns Transcript Friday 9/28/01

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Provided by Stephanie
Proofread by
Ebele

Molly: Okay, be careful!  Hide!

Isaac: All right, it's show time, Mitzi!  You ready? 

[Knocking]

Voice: Uh-huh. 

Isaac: All right, let's go! 

Bonnie: This is so antediluvian! 

Isaac: This is heavy is what this is.  How much can one woman weigh? 

Bonnie: I don't know.  Ow!  Okay, coast is clear.  Come on.

[Laughing]

Lisa: Would you look at Isaac? 

Mitzi: Forget him.  Check out the big eyes on those guys, like something special's comin' their way. 

Molly: They want special?  Oh, baby, special is exactly what they're gonna get.    Scene: The Club

[Men cheering]

Cass: Jake -- hold this.  Jake, what have we here? 

Isaac: What?  What?  Oh, this. 

Jake: We have a cake!   

[Men laughing]

Isaac: What we have here is the -- bonnie, hit it.  Hit it. 

Bonnie: Oh! 

Isaac: Okay.  What we have here is the main event.  Now, boys --

[Whistling]

Isaac: Boys!  Boys, you guys -- you are about to find out why Atlantic City is such a tourist attraction. 

[Men cheering and whistling]

All: Cake!  Cake!  Cake!

Shanks: Hey, detective.  You rejoining us? 

Jack: No, I just came to pick up my check.  And the rest of my stuff. 

Shanks: Oh, I was hoping you'd changed your mind.  We miss you around here.  Could you give me a bit of advice, just for old time's sake? 

Jack: What's the problem? 

Shanks: This. 

[Shanks hands Jack his clipboard]

Jack: I'd call Margo.  If I still worked here. 

Shanks: Yeah, that's what I figured.  All right.  But she's not gonna like this. 

[Women laughing]

[Phone ringing]

Margo: Hi, hi, hi.  Detective Hughes.

Shanks: Hey, this is Shanks.  I'm sorry to bother you, Detective.  But an arrest order just came in, and I thought you might wanna deal with it personally. 

Margo: Oh, no!  Not my brother, not again. 

Shanks: No, Mr. Montgomery's in the clear.  This one is for -- your sister. 

Margo: Katie? 

Shanks: 'Fraid so. 

Margo: Are you sure? 

Shanks: Grand theft. 

Margo: How on -- Katie, Katie, are you ever gonna grow up? 

Shanks: Yeah, I thought you might wanna deal with this yourself. 

Margo: No.  No, Shanks.  You find her.  You drag her in.  It's time my sister took a few lumps.

Shanks: Yeah, I'll take care of it. 

Shanks: She wants me to do the arrest. 

Jack: Well, good luck.  I remember the last time you brought Katie in. 

Shanks: Yeah, I remember scratches.  Couple of bite marks, I think.  You sure you wanna quit, man?  You're giving up your seat to the best sideshow in town.  Come on, come back. 

Jack: No, maybe.  Someday.  I -- you know what they say -- once a cop, always a cop, right? 

Shanks: That's what they tell me.  Maybe you'll wear that badge again.  When things change, right? 

Jack: And some things never change. 

Katie: I came in from the airport.  I went up to the suite.  And there was Craig.  I'm telling you, I almost passed out when I saw the kind of shape he was in.  I mean it!  He was just sitting there.  He obviously hasn't showered in days.  No shaving.  The place is a mess.  I'm sure he's been telling housekeeping to stay away because he's been drinking so much.  And there's this weird quietness about him.  Unless he's quoting poetry.  Yes, you heard me right.  Poetry.  I just don't know what to do.  I'm really scared.

Carly: Uh-huh.  Well, I gotta tell you, honey.  You have to work on your act. 

Katie: This is no act!  Craig needs your help. 

Carly: If somebody sane came to my door and tried to trick me with this ridiculous story, I might be a little insulted.  But with you -- I'm just bored. Good night. 

[Carly shuts the door]

Katie: What -- hold on.  Listen.  If you don't wanna hear this, if you don't wanna help, then that's fine.  I'm gonna go to every door in Oakdale, knock it down, until I find someone who's gonna help me.  Because I'm gonna help my brother, with or without you. 

Carly: You know, I know I'm gonna regret this.

[Carly opens the door]  Katie!  Just tell me -- is there even the slightest chance that you're on the level here?

Katie: Yes, of course.  Everything I'm telling you is totally true.  You know that cool, confident guy?  He's gone.  Zombie Craig has replaced him, and I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. 

Carly: And so, of course, you just came running over here.  Why is that, exactly?  Why, when Craig's in trouble, do I get a phone call?  Am I his personal 911 or something? 

Katie: No, no.  It's not like that at all.  In fact, he would be totally upset with me if he knew that I came here.  So let's just keep it between you and me, okay?  Promise?  Because he would never forgive me if he knew that I came today to ask for your help.

Carly: Don't dodge the question, you little ditz.  Why did you come to me? 

Katie: Where else would I go?  We both know that his whole problem is you. 

Bruno: Look, you don't have to protect Katie from me.  I just wanna know where she is and why she took a powder on me. 

Craig: Of course you do! 

Bruno: Look, take a girl to St. Maarten.  Everything's going great.  And then poof!  She disappears.  Wouldn't you want to know why? 

Craig: Bruno, if I had an answer, I'd give it to you.  But remember -- you're dealing with Katie.  And I haven't seen her. 

Bruno: Oh, yeah, Craig?  How do you explain this?  Your sister's bag in your living room?  It's amazing, isn't it?

Simon: Thank you. 

Mercedes: I knew good things would happen tonight. 

Simon: Why is that?  Are you psychic as well as gorgeous? 

Mercedes: No.  Just very, very lucky.  What about you?  Do you have a wife lurking among the palms? 

Simon: Uh, no.  No, I don't.  Well, yes, there was a time.  But now, no, there's no wife trailing me or tricking me, claiming she was born to be my greatest adventure. 

Mercedes: You need somebody to love you tonight. 

Simon: You know, yeah.  Yeah, I think you're right. 

Mercedes: When you feel that way, you have to do something about it.  Fortunately, I'm here for you.  Why don't you order another round of that island punch while I powder my nose?  I'll be right back.

Simon: I can't wait.  I really can't.

[Mercedes leaves] Damn it!  Katie, I miss you.  

Carly: I am not Craig Montgomery's problem.  Craig Montgomery is Craig Montgomery's own problem!

Katie: You do know he has feelings for you, don't you? 

[Carly sighs]

Carly: Katie -- do you know why he wants me so badly?  Because he can't have me.  I'm a notch that he wants for his belt, and it's burning him up that he can't have it.  That's why he's playing his little zombie game.  And because I went out with Paul Ryan, and that is absolutely killing him. 

Katie: That's what I'm saying, though.  Craig doesn't have the power in this relationship.  You do. 

Carly: Yeah.  The power to run and hide. 

Katie: You know the kind of power I'm talking about.  Come on, we're both women of the world.

Carly: Yes, honey, just not the same world. 

Katie: Isn't it amazing, though?  That kind of special power we women have over men? 

Carly: Oh, yeah, well, I've seen the power you have over your own husband.  And that's very impressive. 

Katie: There's just a point of no return, when a man can think of nothing but that one special woman.  And that woman has a responsibility with that power that she has.  I mean, she can't just run hot and cold.  That's not very fair. 

Carly: Wait a second.  Are you actually accusing me of leading Craig on?  Because if you are, you can cartwheel yourself right out of here and go back to cheerleading camp!

Katie: I'm not only saying that you led Craig on, I'm saying you did it on purpose. 

Carly: All right.  That's it.  Adios, Barbie. 

Katie: Okay, fine.  If you don't wanna help, that is just fine.  I'm sure Craig will snap out of it or something.  Okay, one more thing.  Just promise me this -- if you do see him, don't comment on how bad he looks.  His ego's been hurt enough already. 

Katie: Okay.  I give you, what?  An hour?  Better call Craig and tell him to be ready. 

Shanks: Uh, Mrs. Simon Frasier? 

Katie: Yeah, that's me.  Why?  Is there something wrong with my husband?

Shanks: No, I don't know anything about him, ma'am, but you are under arrest. 

Katie: What?  You've gotta be kidding.  What are you talking --

Shanks: Charge is grand theft. 

Katie: Shanks, come on! 

Shanks: You know anything about a stolen airplane? 

Katie: Oh, no. 

Shanks: You keep your fingernails to yourself, young lady. 

Katie: Ow! 

Carly: Craig, if this is one of your games, I swear I'll kill you. 

[Carly calls Craig]

[Phone ringing]

Craig: I'm a busy man, Bruno.  As my ringing phone will attest. 

Bruno: Don't sweat it.  Let the machine pick it up.  You've got to give me some advice here.  Look, man, your sister is like nobody I've ever met before.

Craig: Well, she is unusual.  Well, so good luck on finding her, and Godspeed, lad. 

Bruno: Listen, we were hitting it off great.  Do you hear me?  When she smiles, those big blue eyes, and something happens to me in here.  Kinda wanna put out the "Do Not Disturb" sign.  You know what I mean? 

Craig: Spare me the details. 

Bruno: Look -- tell me one minute why we're hitting it off so great, and the next, she's trying to ditch me.   

[Craig’s answering machine message is heard]

Craig: I'm not here.  Leave a message.   

[Answering machine beeps]

[Carly Tenney’s voice is heard on the answering machine]

Carly: Craig, it's Carly.  If you're there, pick up.  Craig?   Craig? 

Carly: All right, Craig.  I'm gonna count to three, and then I'm hanging up.  Your crazy sister says you're in trouble.  Don't make me come over there.  All right, I'm gonna start counting right now.  One -- two --

Craig: Ah, Mother.  She's not well. 

Carly: Three.  All right, but I'm warning you -- if I come over there and find out this is one of your jokes, I'm gonna bury you, Craig.  And your little dog, too. 

Craig: Hello?  Hello, mother?  She's coming over.  I hope she got her medication right this time.  You wanna stick around?  You might like mother. 

Bruno: No.  Your mother doesn't seem to be very much help.

Craig: And good night to you, too, Mr. Portolano.  Come on, Carly, don't be gone.

Bruno: Yeah, Rosie.  Hey.  It's Bruno.  Listen.  Yeah, I need a favor.  A woman named Carly.  Does that name ring any bells? 

[Bruno chuckles]  What do you know?

[Men cheering]

Isaac: Does somebody wanna tell me who the hell these people are? 

Bonnie: Oxford's loss, Oakdale's gain. 

Joe: I'm feeling younger by the minute. 

Jake: Have mercy.  Have -- oh!  Oh, please.  Be gentle.  Be gentle.

Dancer #1: Are you Jake McKinnon, baby? 

Jake: I will be if you want me to.

[The dancers kiss Jake and then take off their wigs] 

[Men oohing]

[Jake looks surprised]

Jake: I knew.  I knew. 

Dancer #2: A special gift from someone who loves you! 

Cass: Wow. 

[Men cheering and whistling]

Jake: I knew. 

Hal: Yeah, you knew, Jake.  You knew.  You knew. 

Jake: So long, fellas. 

Hal: Bye, guys. 

Jake: Thanks for dropping by. 

Cass: Bye, guys. 

Bartender: Tell me I look better in a dress, please. 

Jake: You look better in a dress. 

[Men laughing]

Jake: I can't get married now.  I can't, because I've seen the light.  I love you, man!  Come back!  

[Jake runs to the door]

[Men laughing]

Jake: Oh, yeah.  You -- you set me up.  You set me up.  You set me up. 

Isaac: No.  No.  No, scout's honor.  No!  No. 

Jake: You! 

Isaac: Listen -- I hired Rose's friend, Mitzi.  Scout's honor. 

Joe: So he says. 

Ben: I'd check his scout record. 

Jake: Scout record?  I'm gonna scalp -- scalp him.

[To Bonnie] Let me ask you a ques -- listen.  Talk to Uncle Jake.  Tell me that Isaac was the one who set me up.  Was it Isaac?  Come on.

Isaac: Tell him.  Tell him. 

Jake: You stay out of it. 

Bonnie: Yes.   

[Men laughing]

Jake: You!  You!  Yes. 

Hal: So, what's the next act?  RuPaul singin' love songs? 

Jake: Yeah.  Yow.  Yay. 

Hal: Oh, yeah. 

[The ladies return dancing]

[Men cheering and whistling]

Bob: Shake your groove thing. 

Ben: Is that a medical term? 

Bob: Actually, it was your son that told me that that was the cutting edge of hip. 

Ben: Oh, really?  Yeah, that was.  About a hundred years ago, that was.  You've been had, my friend. 

Mitzi: Take a bow, ladies.

Margo: Hey, listen, Molly.  I've got to get to the police station. 

Molly: What, now? 

Margo: Well, it's a job of bad timing.  I'll see you at the wedding. 

Jake: Margo, wait!  Wait, wait, wait!  No, no, it was her, right?  It was her.  That's why she's taking off, and she doesn't want me to give her the third degree.  Okay, Mr. Jenkins.  Lock the door.  Lock the door.  'Cause I wanna find out who was behind the fake cake bake.  Right?  So whoever -- whoever did the switcheroo with the cake-eroo, do me a favor and take two steps forward.  Isaac, two steps –

[Molly takes 2 steps forward]

[Crowd Oohs]

Molly: Gotcha, McKinnon. 

[Applause]

Jack: Can I help you? 

Bruno: With what?  Knocking on a door?  No, I can handle that on my own.  Thanks. 

Jack: Oakdale P.D., Wise guy. 

Bruno: What's going on, officer?

Jack: You tell me. 

Bruno: I'm not casing the joint, if that's what you think.  I'm looking for my girlfriend. 

Jack: Your girlfriend? 

Bruno: Yeah.  Maybe you can help me.  Beautiful blond, blue eyes, and a body that'll make you believe in God. 

Jack: Wait, wait, wait.  The woman who lives here is your girlfriend?  Since when? 

Craig: Carly!  I was just calling you. 

Carly: Now, that's a really great imitation of somebody surprised, Craig.  I'd indulge in wild applause, but I need to save my strength to strangle your sister.  I knew it! 

Craig: You knew -- ? 

Carly: I knew there was nothing wrong with you.

Craig: Is that a compliment or is that an accusation?  And why don't you relax?  What's wrong?  Can I pour you a drink, help you unwind? 

Carly: I don't want to unwind.  I want you to answer a question for me.  Did you or did you not put Katie up to this? 

Craig: Can you tell me what Katie did? 

Carly: Okay.  I'll tell you and you tell me if it rings any bells, okay?  She showed up on my doorstep tonight with some sob story about how desperate you were.  You were supposedly feeling desperate about --

Craig: About? 

Carly: Oh, I don't know, that you were just in despair about something.  She made it sound like you were gonna hang yourself or something.

Craig: Katie told you that? 

Carly: Yes, she did, and a lot more.  And every instinct in my body told me not to believe a word of it. 

Craig: Do you really think that I would stoop to such an obvious ploy, insult your intelligence? 

Carly: Yes, I do.  You have a hundred times before. 

Craig: I was upset the other night.  You were hostile, and I thought we were friends.  But do you really think that I would stoop so low as to beg, in particularly, through my sister? 

Carly: All right, fine.  Well, if you didn't put her up to it, then you ought to reign her in really fast. 

Craig: Can't you give her a break?

Carly: Oh, yeah.  I'll give her a break, all right. 

Craig: She was just trying to play matchmaker.  She meant well. 

Carly: She's a nut, Craig.  And the last thing I need in my life right now is another nut. 

Craig: How are things? 

Carly: Lousy, actually.  I have no money, I have no career.  Forget career, I have no job.  I have a child to support.  I had to leave my own cousin's Bachelorette party, so I wouldn't strangle all the harpies who are still treating me like every man's favorite streetwalker, and I was only home two minutes before your sister knocked on my door, telling me you're suicidal. 

Craig: Well, that was ill-advised.

Carly: "Ill-advised"? 

Craig: Um -- unforgivable.  But on the other hand, it seems to have worked. 

Carly: Excuse me?  What exactly do you think worked? 

Craig: Nothing, really.  Forget about it.  Forget I said anything. 

Carly: Oh, no, please, do go on.  Finish what you were saying. 

Craig: Well, as lame as Katie's scheme was, in her romantic mind, she believed that everything would work out if you and I just got face to face.  And here you are.

Carly: And here I go. 

Craig: No, no, no, wait!  How many times are you gonna walk out before you just give in and be friends? 

Carly: A hundred times, Craig.  10,000 times, Craig.  I will walk out as many times as it takes for you to get the picture.  I don't like you. 

Craig: Yes, you do.  Let's not fight. 

Carly: You'd --

Craig: Let's not fight. 

Carly: You would love to fight.  I know you would love to fight, and that is exactly why I'm leaving because I will never, ever give you anything you love -- ever. 

Craig: No, no, no!  Wait, wait, wait, wait!  All right.  I knew where Katie was tonight.  She stopped by and found me less than effervescent.  I think she felt genuinely sorry for me, and I thought maybe you might feel sorry for me, too.  So I let her go over to your house, in the hopes of maybe I could get you over here.

Carly: Do I -- do I need to get a restraining order against you? 

Craig: Well, Jack would love to. 

Carly: Hey, cut it out!  Don't -- don't you ever talk about Jack to me again.  Because if you do, I swear to you I will fatten your lip.  I mean it, Craig, do not push me. 

Craig: Okay, okay, okay.  Look, look, look.  This whole thing came out of a stupid conversation.  All right?  But, I might ask, do you have the guts to be as truthful with me as I have just been with you?  Huh?  We both know there's just one reason you came over here, even though you knew Katie was lying.  You care for me.

Bruno: Relax, officer.  Never said my girlfriend lived here, I said she was visiting.  But as you can see, there's nobody home. 

Jack: All right.  This girlfriend have a name? 

Bruno: What?  What, is somebody running numbers outta this joint?  Fine, fine, Katie Frasier. 

Jack: Craig Montgomery's sister? 

Bruno: Yeah, what's it to you? 

Jack: You know Montgomery? 

Bruno: I saw him tonight. 

Jack: Did he say why his sister might be coming here? 

Bruno: No, what, are you interrogating me or somethin'?  Why don't you bring me downtown and make this --

Jack: Answer my question!  What makes you think that Craig Montgomery's sister would be coming here?

Bruno: Fine, fine, what do I have to lose?  I was at Montgomery's place tonight.  A woman named Carly called, left a message saying that Katie was here. 

Jack: Carly called Craig? 

Bruno: Yeah, yeah, she did.  Is that a crime?  Because knocking on this door sure seems to be.  FYI -- your girlfriend sounded like she had something cooking with Montgomery.  She was on her way over --

Jack: FYI -- go to jail!  That's where you'll find your girlfriend. 

Shanks: Here you go, Detective Hughes. 

Katie: Oh, Margo, thank goodness you're here.  This bozo wouldn't listen to a word I had to say. 

Margo: Good work, bozo.

Shanks: Thank you.  I found the perp in an airport rental car.  I spotted it --

Katie: It's not a crime to rent a car.  And if he saw me at the airport, it's because I just got back from St. Maarten. 

Margo: Yeah, I heard you're quite the little world traveler now.  In fact, last I heard, you and Henry had chartered a plane to -- where was it exactly? 

Katie: It's the same place that Lily was stranded with Simon.  It's a little speck in the middle of the water.  I couldn't possibly explain the exact location. 

Margo: Well, you'd better try, honey, because you're here, but the plane isn't.  And where as your car rental isn't a crime, your plane rental has turned into grand theft.

Katie: I can explain everything. 

Margo: Yeah, Katie, you always can. 

Katie: I did this for Simon.  That's why I rented the plane in the first place, Margo.  And henry's the one that crash-landed us there in the middle of nowhere with nothing to eat but mangos.  I practically got ravished by some disgusting wild man, and the plane was in a zillion pieces.  What was I gonna do?  Scoop them up and put them in my purse?  Margo, I was dealing with surviving a plane crash.  I was looking for Simon's diamond, which I found, and then lost.  I didn't exactly have time to worry about what the stupid plane company was gonna worry about.

Margo: Well, guess what, Katie?  The stupid plane company doesn't care.  They don't care about you.  They don't care about your quest for Simon.  In fact, they've filed a complaint, a criminal complaint and a bench warrant was issued for your arrest. 

Katie: Okay, there's gotta be some way to fix this, Margo. 

Margo: Well, there is, yeah. 

Katie: Okay, tell me what it is.  I'll do anything. 

Margo: You pay the company $248,000, Katie. 

Katie: Margo, you know I don't have that kind of money. 

Margo: Then have a seat while I prepare a nice cozy, warm cell for you. 

Katie: Wait, Margo, you don't understand.  I did this all for Simon.  Every stupid, desperate thing I've done ever since last Halloween has been because I love him, and I just wanted him to love me back.

Margo: Did it work? 

Katie: No.  And now I'm in jail, and he's -- I don't even know where.  He doesn't even know that I'm gonna do time for him again.  And if he did, he wouldn't even care. 

Lisa: Jake McKinnon, you're one lucky fella to be marrying Molly. 

Isaac: Certainly are.  She's beautiful, smart and --

Jake: And she does not snore.

[Molly covers his mouth]

Molly: Shh, I'm enjoying this.  Shut up. 

Lisa: Well, no, what I'm talking about is this bride-to-be was smart enough to trump your bachelor party.  And she did it on a moment's notice.  That takes talent! 

Mitzi: Hey, thanks for loaning me the dress.  Anytime you need a dance costume, gimme a call! 

Lisa: Oh, yes, I'll take you up on that.

[To Isaac] That'd be for your bachelor party.

Isaac: I think I hear my mom calling me.  Excuse me. 

Bob: Oh, boy, what a day. 

Abigail: I can't believe that the wedding's coming up.  It's almost here. 

Bob: Yeah.  You know, I just hope that Jake and molly enjoy their day.  So often, the bride and groom are so busy taking care of everybody else, making sure that they're happy, that they miss the whole thing. 

Abigail: Well, they're gonna be able to sit down and watch the whole thing, thanks to Nick. 

Kim: Nick? 

Abigail: Yeah. 

Kim: Nick Scudder? 

Abigail: Mm-hmm.  He's gonna tape the big day. 

Kim: Really?  I'm surprised. 

Abigail: Yeah, they've known each other for a long time, but he just showed up recently.  She invited him over to the house, he knows the whole family down here.

Kim: He does?  Isn't that amazing.  Um, could you two excuse me for a minute? 

Abigail: Sure. 

Bob: Abigail. 

Abigail: Yes? 

Bob: Would you like to dance? 

Abigail: I would love to! 

Bob: Watch your feet. 

Kim: I hate to interrupt.  Could I borrow Molly for just a minute? 

Jake: As long as you bring her back. 

Kim: Okay, promise. 

Jake: Hey!  Would you like to dance with the groom-to-be? 

Bonnie: No, I don't think so.  I'm still on duty. 

Jake: Oh, no you're not, no you're not.  Listen, I know, does it give you a little bug on your tube top if I told you I got you all figured out?

Bonnie: Let me assure you, you don't. 

Jake: Oh, come on, now, come on.  You can play Isaac if you want like a yo-yo, but I saw when the floorshow started happen.  You were biting your lip so you didn't smile. 

Bonnie: Well, don't tell anybody. 

Jake: Whatever you say, Toots. 

Bonnie: And do not call me "Toots."

Jake: Okay, Doll. 

Molly: I know that this isn't exactly what you expected, but are you having fun? 

Kim: I sure am.  Absolutely.  I'm just heard some news from Abigail that you and Nick have kind of resolved things? 

Molly: Um, it's nothing. 

Kim: What do you mean, it's nothing?  The last time I looked, you were convinced that he was out to destroy you.  You even had the police involved.  And now you've actually resolved it and -- well, I'm just thrilled.  It's good for you and good for Nick.  And ultimately, it's good for me, too.  Thank you very much.

Molly: You don't have to say that, Kim.  I gave you a really hard time about Nick. 

Kim: Well, it's okay.  I gave you a hard time back.  I told you I wanted you to handle this like an adult, professionally.  That's what you did.  You're okay, kiddo. 

Molly: Thanks, boss.  Right back at ya. 

Katie: Unless you're a really fabulous lawyer, please, just leave me alone. 

Bruno: Wow, that guy steered me right. 

Katie: Bruno? 

Bruno: Come on, what'd they get you for?  Being too gorgeous? 

Katie: Uh, no, try stealing a charter plane.  I didn't steal it.  I rented it and forgot to give it back, in a way.  And now the charter company wants more money than I can even count.  You're lookin' at a lifer.  I did time in Malta, but I don't think I'll ever get used to it.

Bruno: How much do you owe? 

Katie: $248,000 and change.  It's been a pretty lousy day. 

Bruno: Yeah.  I had a pretty lousy day myself recently.  I got stood up in St. Maarten. 

Katie: I know. 

Bruno: That's a rotten thing to do to a guy, Katie.  You know, when it comes to women, I don't usually get the short end. 

Katie: And I'm not used to giving a nice guy a hard time.  I'm so sorry.  You didn't deserve that. 

Bruno: Well, luckily, I have a forgiving heart. 

Katie: Margo, this is Bruno Portolano.  Bruno, this is my sister, Detective Hughes.  She's about to lock me up. 

Bruno: You've got an interesting family.

Margo: You know, we're gonna have to table that conversation until after I book Katie.  Let's go. 

Bruno: Detective Hughes?  If it's all right with you, I would like to offer a solution to Katie's problem. 

Margo: Really?  Okay, I'm listening. 

Bruno: I'll call the charter company, settle Katie's debt, and you get the charges dropped. 

Katie: You can do that? 

Margo: Are you aware that this debt is in the neighborhood of a quarter of a million dollars? 

Bruno: Yeah, I am. 

Margo: Are you sure you want to do this? 

Katie: Are you kidding?  Of course I want to do this! 

Margo: Uh, all right, you can use the phone at my desk. 

Katie: Bruno, this is amazing.  I don't know how I'm ever gonna repay you.

Bruno: I'll think of something. 

Carly: You know, there's a stray cat who hangs around in the courtyard of my apartment building.  It's just a skinny stray, lives in a box.  He's mangy and filthy and he hisses at everybody who walks by him.  Nevertheless, I feed him.  Actually, a lot of my neighbors do, too.  And you know, it's funny, if anything happened to that stupid cat, I'd be outside.  I would do anything I could to help it, 'cause that's just the way I am, Craig. 

Craig: So I'm just a creature you occasionally pity? 

Carly: No, you don't deserve pity, Craig.  I suppose on some lower level, I do care whether you live or die.  Just like I care about that cat.  You see, I don't love the cat.  Love has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Craig: At least you realize you care. 

Carly: Well, I only care because I'm human.  And you're, supposedly, somewhere in the ballpark. 

Craig: This is good.  Huh?  Everything's out in the open.  Now, we can be friends? 

Carly: Didn't we try that?  The friend thing?  And it didn't work.  Because friends, they respect each other.  They have ground rules, they have rules that they follow. 

Craig: Well, tell me the rules. 

Carly: All right.  No more snide comments about Jack. 

Craig: All right. 

Carly: Okay?  Because I still care about him.  So that means no remarks about Milltown or what you see as the sad trailer park existence he was offering me.  Okay?

Craig: Okay. 

Carly: Okay, Rule number two.  Don't you ever, ever, ever use the word love in any way that pertains to me, ever.  And if you do -- over. 

[Craig laughs]

Craig: Okay, no Jack or any other four-letter word.  Is there a number three? 

Carly: Yes, there absolutely is a number three.  Never, under any circumstances -- I don't care if you have the best intentions -- please, never help me. 

Craig: I won't.  So maybe I could call you sometime?  See how you're doing? 

Carly: Maybe. 

Craig: Yeah.  Then maybe we could go out for dinner.  You know, not like a date, per se, more like friends eating food?

Carly: Right.  You know, I remember a time when you asked me to dinner, and you said you just wanted a dinner companion.  And I believed you.  And then what happened? 

Craig: Some meals last longer than others, N'est pas? 

Carly: I gotta go.  I have to pick up Parker.  Okay? 

Craig: May I ask one more thing? 

Carly: Oh, you -- you have an awful lot of nerve. 

Craig: Don't make friends with Paul Ryan.  Hmm? 

Molly: Woo! 

Mitzi: Hey, you give chips with that dip? 

Molly: All right, okay, everybody, we have a serious problem here.  Jake has another secret, and I need your help. 

Abigail: Well, he's very ticklish.  I know that. 

Jake: Okay, no, listen.  I was gonna tell you when the time was right, but I figured what's good for the goose is good for the gander. 

Molly: Honk, honk. 

Jake: That's my sidekick there.  Listen, I sent a male stripper over to the Bachelorette party.  So whoever's there now is gonna have a good time. 

[Laughing]

Carly: All right, one more rule, rule number four.  My friends are none of your business.

Craig: Yeah, but Paul Ryan is. 

Carly: Paul and I will never be buddies.  Have you forgotten already about Barbara and the trial? 

Craig: No, no, no, I haven't forgotten.  Paul was his pouty self at the trial, but at dinner the other night with you, he was all sugar. 

Carly: I don't think I really have to explain myself to you. 

Craig: No, no, no, of course you don't.  You can go ahead and see just as much of Paul as you can take.  Ignore my request, it was out of line. 

Carly: Yes, it was and I will. 

Craig: All right.  Peace?  So, on another topic, who are you taking to Jake and Molly's wedding?  Everybody's entitled a guest, if I'm not mistaken.

Carly: Oh, can it be that Molly neglected to leave an invitation in your mailbox? 

Craig: Oh, I guess it was an oversight. 

Carly: Oh, Craig, forget it.  I have enough trouble in this town without being on the arm of the most-hated man in Oakdale.  Okay?  I'll see you around.  But -- not at the wedding. 

Craig: I'll bet Paul will be there.  Well, need an invitation?  Get an invitation. 

Katie: Well, the first thing I'm going to do to repay you is take you to a fabulous wedding.  Which, I know, is not much of a payback, but it's a start, right? 

Bruno: I'll take it, along with a certain change in attitude.

Katie: What did you have in mind? 

Bruno: Well, when I want you by my side, you'll be there.  No more games to make your Australian husband jealous.  Simon Frasier's history. 

Katie: Yeah, he is history.  I'll never hear from him again. 

Bruno: See that?  That's the attitude that needs to be changed.  Forget about him.  He's gone.  'Cause basically, from here on out, I own you. 

Flight attendant: Chicago your final destination? 

Simon: Oh, no, just a place to catch another flight. 

Flight attendant: Oh, where to? 

Simon: Home, actually, to my wife.

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