As The World Turns Transcript Thursday 9/27/01


Provided by Stephanie
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Mitzi: Wow.  You could get a whole kick line in here.  Where'd you find this thing, anyway? 

Isaac: Joe D'Angelo's a Shriner.  The local chapter let us borrow it. 

Mitzi: Yeah?  They do good work, the Shriners.  Ooh.  Ooh.  Oh, my goodness.  You know, maybe you should call Rose and get her down here.  She could climb right in here with me. 

Isaac: Maybe I should just hop in with you. 

Mitzi: No, no, no, no, no. 

Isaac: It was just a thought. 

Mitzi: You wanna put on one of these?  'Cause that's the only way you're gettin' in here with me.

Isaac: That's not exactly what I had in mind. 

Mitzi: No? 

Isaac: No. 

Mitzi: Okay.  So you wheel me out, big surprise, then you hit 'em with this, and I'll do the rest. 

Isaac: This is an interesting choice. 

Mitzi: Trust me.  They're gonna love it. 


Rose: Hey, come on, girls.  You gotta try my cannoli.  My pop helped me cook them. 

Lisa: Oh, is there anything that man can't do? 

Carly: Oh, I'm sure you'll find out.  No, no thanks. 

Rose: Oh, yeah.  You don't want to pork up. 

[Light giggling]

Kim: Actually, they look delicious, Rose.  Mm -- mm --

Rose: And she hasn't had the cannoli yet. 

Molly: Me?  No, no, no, that was Jake. 

Margo: After cannoli. 


Molly: Oh, honey, you didn't hear that. 

Abigail: What?  I've had cannoli. 

Molly: I hope not. 


Kim: Actually, when Bob and I have cannoli --

Nancy: Oh, dear. 

Kim: Well, you've heard him.  He snores like a steam engine. 

Nancy: You've had cannoli at my house? 

Kim: No, at my house. 

Nancy: Oh, well. 

Margo: All the Hughes men have a sweet tooth, I've got to tell you.  Now, Tom after cannoli --

Kim: All right, all right.  Wait a minute.  Rose, you better bring me one of those cannoli.  I want to see what I've been missing.  Where's my trusted --

Lisa: Oh, why don't you just ask -- ask Carly.  Ask Carly. 

Carly: Or you could ask Lisa, although it's probably been so long, she's forgotten. 

Lisa: What?! 

Kim: Abigail, how's the coffee coming?  Maybe we should have that.  Some of us aren't used to all of this sweetness. 

Margo: So Lisa, what are the guys up to down at Java Underground? 

Lisa: Oh, well, you know, when the fellas get together, they just try to see how macho they can get. 

Molly: I knew it!  They did hire a stripper. 

Lisa: Wait, you didn't hear it from me. 

Carly: Well that's something new and different. 

Lisa: What is this?

Abigail: Do you think that they would really hire a stripper? 

Kim: Uh -- Lisa? 

Lisa: Huh? 

Kim: You look like the cat got your tongue. 

Lisa: No, no, no, no.  Look, all I know is that they're really -- they're kind of up to something. 

Molly: Mm-hmm.  And exactly what did you hear, Lisa? 

Lisa: Well, it's not what I heard, really.  It's what I didn't hear.  You see, Jake and Isaac were talking, and I just, you know, moseyed up a little bit.  I wanted to hear what they were saying.  And as soon as I got near them, they just clammed right up. 

Molly: Lisa? 

Lisa: Yeah?

Molly: Did you hear anything at all? 

Lisa: Well, I heard two little words -- Atlantic City. 

[They all look at Rose]

Rose: What? 

Molly: Two words, Rose -- spill it. 

Isaac: All right, where's the man?  Where's the man?  Okay, you with the lawyers, huh?  No, it's too late for that.  She's got you. 

Jake: She can have me. 

Joe: Hey, he's a goner. 

Cass: Speaking as a happily married man --

Bob: Make that two. 

Cass: Speaking on behalf of two happily married men, marriage is --


Cass: Marriage is what you make it.  And given the ingredients -- Molly -

Joe: Oh, yeah.  Wonderful girl.

Cass: Uh-huh. 

Joe: Wonderful girl. 

Cass: And himself --

Jack: Run, Molly, run! 

Jake: When is that review coming out, the one that's gonna make or break this little place right here, you? 

Isaac: See, you --


Isaac: That's what I'm talking about.  See, Molly doesn't stand a chance with this guy. 

Bob: Well, but Jake's got some really interesting qualities.  What were they? 


Jake: Is this a bachelor party or a roast? 

Isaac: Oh, we love you, man.  That's why we're here.  We're here to commemorate your last night as a single man.  I mean, after this, it's over, baby.  


Isaac: No more wine and roses, no more endless possibilities, no more fresh, new faces.  I mean, is this something you really want to do? 

Jake: Absolutely. 


Hal: To health, happiness, and a front-row seat when Isaac ties the knot! 


Jake: I'll be right there, Isaac.  I'll be right there. 

Bonnie: Well, it'll be you and you alone, 'cause no woman on this earth would have him. 

All: Her --! 

Jake: Now I know I like that girl! 

Isaac: You can hire that girl, 'cause she's gonna be looking for work. 

Ben: Hey, speaking of women, where's Molly tonight?

Jake: Molly and the girls, they're doing their thing. 

Isaac: That's right.  I saw a Chippendale's truck outside of your building. 

Joe: Hey, don't listen to him, Jake.  I know for a fact those guys are working their way through school. 

Jake: It doesn't matter.  Whatever they're doing, they're not having as good a time as I am. 


Emma: Oh!  Oh, Holden.  Holden, oh, sweetheart.  Let me look at you.  Oh, my baby!  My baby! 

Lucinda: Matthew?!  Matthew?  Matthew?! 

Matthew: Yes, ma'am?

Lucinda: Oh, there you are, Matthew.  I'm going -- I'm going to the  bachelorette party for my sins, whether I want to or not.  You have the phone number there.  You have my cell number.  In case Ms. Lily calls or if anybody calls, I want you to call me immediately. 

Matthew: Of course. 

Lucinda: I mean, I don't know how much longer I can take this.  Matthew, between you and me, what I really want and what I'm not getting, I should have stayed there and seen her, but all I want is to say, "Hello, my darling." And I'm not getting --

Luke: Grandma! 

Lucinda: What?  Yeah.  Hello, my darling.  But if I -- oh!

Luke: Hi. 

Lucinda: Hi, hi, hi.  Oh, hi!  That's all you can say is hi?  Oh, honey!  Honey!  Oh, good! 

Craig: Must you? 

Katie: I didn't know you were there.  Sorry.  What is with this music?  Did someone die? 

Craig: Always a possibility. 

Katie: Oh, Craig, you can't leave food out like this.  We're gonna get ants.  Oh, God, you look terrible. 

Craig: Nice to see you, too. 

Katie: What happened? 

Craig: Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  By the way, weren't you supposed to be in St. Martin?

Katie: I was.  Well, at least we landed, Bruno and I.  But then, I just -- I couldn't, so I told him I had this desperate need to buy a postcard, and I took a left turn at the bookstore, and I hopped on a plane back here. 

[Craig laughs]

Katie: And I charged it to your credit card.  I'll pay you back, I promise.  So, have you seen Simon?  Is he still here? 

Craig: Haven't seen him. 

Katie: Great!  Now, not only did I make Bruno mad, but I lost Simon, too. 

Craig: I'm sorry, Katie. 

Katie: Well, you should be, Craig, 'cause it's your fault.  

Craig: And how is it my fault? 

Katie: Because, Ann Landers, you were the one who told me to play hard to get.  If I stopped chasing Simon, he would run back to me.  Well, he ran away. 

Craig: Did you ever consider that maybe he isn't the one?  I take that as a "No."

Katie: He was the one, Craig, only you blew it.  Now I have Bruno to deal with. 

Craig: Did I say make wine with Bruno?  No, I did not.  By the way, they have to re-glaze the tub. 

Katie: Good.  I hope you slip in it and drown. 

Craig: No, you don't. 

Katie: What is with this music?!

Craig: I'm morose.  Can't you tell? 

Katie: Well, you're laying it on a little thick, don't you think?  What happened? 

Craig: Nothing.  I left Carly alone, except for a word or two to some people I thought I could trust.  She objected. 

Katie: To what?  Nothing means nothing, right, Craig?  No phone calls, no visits, no string pulling. 

Craig: Well, I pulled a few strings. 

Katie: Mm-hmm, and she strung you up, huh? 

Craig: She's dating Paul Ryan. 

Katie: Barbara's son? 

Craig: Mr. Prezioso.  Amusing, huh? 

Katie: If it was so amusing, you wouldn't be sitting here in the dark listening to torch songs.

Craig: I've lost the will to shine. 

Katie: That's pathetic. 

Craig: Yes, it is. 

Katie: What's wrong with us, Craig? 

Craig: Hmm? 

Katie: Why won't anyone love us? 

Craig: Aw. 

Holden: I never thought I'd taste these again, Momma. 

Emma: Eat, eat.  There's more, more.  Oh, where's that wife of yours?  I've got to give her a great big hug for bringing you back. 

Holden: She's over at Lucinda's.  She's with Luke.  I thought maybe you might want to go over there. 

Emma: Oh, yeah.  I'd love to.  I'd love to.  Of course, we'll have to wake up Faith.

Holden: How is she, Momma? 

Emma: Oh, poor little sweet pea.  She was okay, except at nights.  It was hard.  You know, she'd always ask for you. 

Holden: Yeah?  That's because I read to her almost every night. 

Emma: I'd always assure her that you and Mommy and Luke would be home soon.  Lily swore to me that she'd bring you back.  She was so sure.  I -- I was so afraid to hope. 

Holden: Well, Mom, you had no reason. 

Emma: You know, right from the very beginning, Lily just stood up there at that Memorial Service and said, "He's still alive." She just insisted.  Thank God!  Look -- look who's here!

[Holden turns around to see Faith standing there]

Holden: Oh, it's my little girl.  Hi. 

Emma: Sweetheart. 

Holden: Oh, I missed you so much.  I can't even tell you how much I've missed you. 

Emma: Aw. 

Holden: Momma, I think it's time.  It's time to reunite my family. 

Emma: Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. 

Holden: You wanna go see Mommy?  Let's go.  Come on. 

Emma: We'll take the truck, shall we? 

Holden: Okay.  Sure. 

Emma: Okay. 

Molly: Rose, did Jake and Isaac hire your friends from Atlantic City?

Rose: You're gonna have to talk to Jake about that. 

Carly: We did. 

Molly: Yeah, and he denied it -- not the Atlantic City part, 'cause we didn't know about that -- but the stripper part. 

Rose: I know nothing about anybody stripping off anything. 

Molly: I don't know.  She looks a little guilty to me, Margo. 

Margo: Yeah, maybe I ought to take her downtown. 

Rose: For what?! 

Molly: For letting you let my almost-husband get away with something he thinks he's getting away with! 

Lisa: Come on now, Rose.  Spill it.  Come on. 

Rose: I can't, because Isaac would kill me.  I can't.

Molly: You have my word. 

Rose: All right, all right.  Mercy.  I know about a cake, a big, plastic cake, and someone's gonna come out of it -- Mitzi, my friend Mitzi.  Come out, have a little dance.  No clothes -- I mean, they're all gonna stay on, every single article of clothes. 

Molly: No, unless she is wearing a garment bag, somebody's in big, huge trouble here. 

Rose: It's a little smaller than a garment bag. 

Molly: I knew it.  I knew it.  Carly, football?  Does that sound like football to you? 

Carly: No, that doesn't sound like football.  Jake said they'd just be watching football all night.

Lisa: Hey, wait, wait, wait.  Maybe she's just gonna dress up like a hot dog vendor. 

Nancy: Oh, somehow I doubt it. 

Molly: Yeah, me, too. 

Margo: You know what?  Why don't you all just relax?  I mean, bachelor parties are traditionally -- I mean, no offense against your friend, Rose, but I mean, you expected to see her -- something. 

Molly: And I did.  I did expect it.  But what kills me is Jake denied it. 

Kim: Well, maybe you just need to teach him a lesson. 

Molly: And fast, before he gets away with it. 

Carly: You know, I think we should raid the place and catch him in the act. 

Rose: You know, nobody asked your opinion, so why don't you just be quiet?

Molly: Oh, no, no, no, just hold it.  I have a much better idea.   

Molly: Does Java Underground have a back door, Lisa?  They must have a back door because of the fire code, right? 

Lisa: Of course.  You enter through the back parking lot. 

Molly: Do you have the key? 

Lisa: Yes, I always have the key.  It's with me.  It's in my purse. 

Molly: Great, great, because what we're gonna do is we're gonna sneak in the back door.  We're gonna get Rose's buddy out of the cake, and we're gonna substitute with somebody who can teach these boys a lesson. 

Rose: Oh, no, don't look at me.  Mitzi would get so mad if I upstage her. 

Carly: Well, I don't think there's any chance of that.

Rose: You know, nobody wants your opinion --

Nancy: These boys are looking for some fun.  Now, if we disappoint them --

Lisa: Oh, wait!  I've got an idea.  Why don't we substitute Carly?  Because if they haven't seen it already, they've surely heard about it. 

Carly: Oh, at least I'd fit in the cake.   

[Talking over each other]

Kim: All right, ladies.  All right, ladies.  Time out. 

Molly: I want to thank everybody for your suggestions, but I really think that I should get in the cake. 

Abigail: Molly, no.  You can't. 

Molly: Why not?  It'll show Jake that he can't pull one over on me.  Besides, it'll be fun.

Margo: I'm sure he'd love it.  That'll be fine.  But I thought you wanted to punish him. 

Molly: That's a good point. 

Rose: Oh, I got it!  I got it!  Margo, you're a genius!  If you want to punish them, I've got just the thing! 

[Rose laughs]

Cass: Three ladies. 

Ben: You had my woman right there. 

Isaac: I keep telling you, brother.  I keep telling you all the time.  There's always another woman 'round the corner.  Queens high. 

Joe: Ouch. 

Hal: Very nice.  But I don't know, Bob.  What do you say?  Are we gonna let this joker get away with another pot?  

[Talking over each other]

Jake: You know what?  I'm gettin' married tomorrow.  I don't need the money. 

Hal: Well, that's very nice.  But can you beat a full house, Jacks over tens? 

Joe: Ouch! 

Jake: How about that right there? 

Hal: Stop it!  Four aces?! 

[Talking over each other] Come on, Jack.  I need you for the honor of the force.  Get over here. 

Jack: Oh, no.  I'm fresh out of luck, Hal.  Besides, I gotta get goin'. 

Isaac: What are you talkin' about, "Get goin'"?  We got more than cards and football, if you know what I mean. 

Jack: I understand that.  Another time.  Please.  Jake, always a pleasure, Sir.  

[Talking over each other]

Jake: I will see you tomorrow. 

Jack: Wouldn't miss it.  Would not miss it.  Later, guys. 

Hal: Come on, Jack.  I'll walk you out. 

Joe: Take care, Jack. 

Joe: You got a new deck, Isaac?  We've gotta do somethin' about this man's luck. 

Jake: Won't do you any good.  You know what they say --

All: What do they say? 

Jake: They say -- they say, "Lucky in cards, lucky in love."

[Talking over each other]

Isaac: I say, "Lucky we have more beer in here." Can we get another round? 

Bonnie: I've got a message for you from the lady -- and I use that term loosely -- in the cake?

Isaac: Shh. 

Joe: Same game.

Isaac: What's goin' on? 

Bonnie: She wanted me to tell you -- and I quote -- that she's

[in Jersey accent] "As antsy as a one-legged dog with fleas." You hired her. 

Isaac: Pour some water on her.  Tell her we'll be there when we'll be there.  I mean, we got a party goin' on over here. 

Bonnie: You want me to throw --

Isaac: I want you to calm her down.  Can you do that?  Calm her down.  And bring us beer and pretzels.  Can you handle that? 

Bonnie: I want a raise. 

[Bonnie scoffs]

Hal: If you're worried about your job, Jack, word is Internal Affairs has backed off.  Margo was gonna talk to you about it this afternoon.

Jack: You haven't heard? 

Hal: Heard what? 

Jack: I'm sorry, Hal.  I thought you knew.  I quit. 

Hal: You what? 

Jack: Yeah, I need some time --

Hal: Does the Commissioner know about this? 

Jack: Yeah, I talked to him this afternoon. 

Hal: Why didn't you come to me, Jack?  I really need you on this job, you know. 

Jack: Not like this, you don't. 

Hal: What's this about?  You and Carly?  You two still fightin' it out or what? 

Jack: No, that's over.  At least, as over as it can get.  I don't know, Hal.  This whole year -- Julia, the job, Carly -- it seems like every time I shoulda turned left, I turned right and somebody got hurt.  Sometimes I'm afraid to make a move.  Other times, I can't even sit still.

Hal: It'll pass, Jack.  All this will pass! 

Jack: I hope so.  I do.  Listen, I don't want to tear you away from the game.  Go, go. 

Hal: No, look.  You need to talk to me.  You will call me, all right? 

Jack: I will, I will.  And I appreciate it. 

Hal: And you won't miss the wedding.  I want to talk to you more about this. 

Jack: I won't miss the wedding.  Get out of here. 

[in the distance]

Joe: Hey, Hal -- you're raised for 100 bucks.  You better look at your cards. 


Hal: I'll be there.  I'll be there.

Luke: How come I get a present?  It's not my birthday or anything.

Lucinda: Well, you get that present because I saw them in the window of the shop and I said to myself, "Luke is gonna like those.  And Luke is coming home, so I'm gonna get 'em for him." And I got 'em.  He's home. He's home! 

Lily: Look at those. 

Luke: Wow, Mom! 

[Luke holds up a pair of sneakers]

Lily: Aren't they great? 

Luke: Look! 

Lily: Oh, wow! 

Lucinda: Are they okay? 

Luke: How'd you know I'd like these? 

Lucinda: Oh, honey, grandmother knows everything.  Haven't you realized that yet? 

Lily: These are great. 

Lucinda: That's it.  That's it. 

Luke: Can I try them? 

Lily: No, you know, it's really dark outside --

Lucinda: Honey -- why don't you go out that way, past the Butler's pantry, and then skate -- there's acres on the way to the laundry.  Go ahead and do it. 

Luke: Mom? 

Lily: Fine.  Of course.  Absolutely.  Wait, wait, wait.  Did you forget something? 

Luke: What?  Thanks, grandma. 

Lily: Yes, that's the words I was looking for. 

Lucinda: Oh, honey -- you're very welcome, my darling.  Lily -- are you both all right? 

Lily: We're fine. 

Lucinda: And Holden?  I should never have left you there. 

Lily: Oh, if you'd stayed, they'd lock you in jail.

Lucinda: Oh, who cares?  I'm a murderess now.  I don't care.  I've loved every minute of it.  I'm glad I killed him. 

Lily: No, he's not.  You didn't.  He was wearing a bullet-proof vest. 

Lucinda: How disappointing.  How revolting.  Have you seen him?  Do you know what's -- is he still stalking you? 

Lily: No, no, we're safe.  Damian, he took care of it.  Don't worry. 

Lucinda: Oh, honey. 

[Doorbell rings] Matthew!  Matthew, get the door.  I'm cuddling with my daughter. 

Matthew: Yes, Madame. 

Lily: It's Holden and Faith. 

Lucinda: You don't know, honey.  I've had bad dreams.  I've dreamt of Comedia Dell'Arte and everybody's got a gun and they're all shooting.

Lily: It's okay, though.  We're safe. 

Lucinda: There they are!  Look who's here, my darlings. 

Faith: Hello. 

Luke: Look who's here! 

Lily: Oh, my gosh.  You got so big.  I can't believe it!  Let me look at you. 

Lucinda: Hey, you got a beard.  You look much thinner.  Emma, have you noticed?  He needs fattening up. 

Luke: Grandma? 

Emma: Oh, Luke!  Oh, my little angel!  Let me see you. 

Katie: Why did have to leave?  Am I so horrible and hideous? 

Craig: No, Katie, you're adorable.  And any man who doesn't appreciate that doesn't deserve you.

Katie: Well, if he's that dumb, then I'm really stupid, because ever since Halloween, I have been trying to convince everybody that it would work.  And everybody warned me -- you and Margo and Henry, and even Simon, himself, said that it wouldn't work between us.  And I am so embarrassed. 

Craig: For falling in love?  Oh, Katie.  That should be cause for celebration, you know?  You felt something bigger than yourself and you had the courage to put it out there.  That's --

Katie: And go make a complete fool out of myself. 

Craig: Well, it wasn't the first time.  Hopefully, it won't be the last.  Remember the Endicotts?  You came back from that.  And hey, if you can survive that --

Katie: This is way worse. 

Craig: No, there isn't a person alive who hasn't been dumped.  Trust me. 

Katie: You think? 

Craig: I know.  Listen -- in a week or two, you be obsessing about something else.  You'll be off and running. 

Katie: Yeah, running from Bruno.  Talk about obsessed.  That man's never heard the word "No."

Craig: Well, then I guess you have to stomp your foot on his instep, although that has been known to backfire. 

Katie: No, but you could stomp your foot. 

Craig: No. 

Katie: Come on, Craig.  You're my brother.  You're supposed to protect me.

Craig: What, from love?  I can't even protect myself. 

Katie: So, you help me with Bruno, I'll help you with Carly.  Deal? 

Emma: Well, I got in touch through to everyone except Iva and Sierra.  I left messages. 

Lucinda: Thank you so much. 

Emma: And they're so thrilled that you're all home and safe. 

Lily: I spoke to Iva from New York.  She was hyperventilating, she was so excited. 

Lucinda: Yes, she's so -- so thrilled. 

Lily: I know. 

Emma: She's so thrilled, Momma's here.  Look at who's here --

Iva: Is there someone there? 

Matthew: Iva, come in. 

Iva: Matthew, Matthew, I think someone's in the bushes or something's in the bushes.  Or --

Matthew: There's probably just a squirrel.  Come on in, everyone's in the Library.

Iva: Oh, good, good.  I went out to the farm, and nobody was there. 

Rose: Yeah, I've seen it.  It's like one of those rolly cakes, you know, they roll in on wheels.  You could fit two to three people if you're on a diet, you know?  Great, okay, get dolled up, I'll see you there in ten.  They're going to do it. 

Molly: Okay.  Rose, these friends of yours? 

Rose: My friends, from Atlantic City, we used to work together.  Ah -- ah, Mitzi brought them for my birthday. 

Molly: And you're sure? 

Rose: They're show stoppers, both of these two, trust me.  Trust me, these guys are not going to know what hit them.  All right.  Meet me there in 15 minutes, Java Underground.  Because if I know Mitzi, that girl's already in the cake.

Molly: Yeah, okay.  All right, everybody, you heard her.  Let's rock and roll.  Let's go.

[Nancy starts cleaning up]  Oh, no, no, no.  Leave it.  Okay, Nancy, I'll get it later, really. 

Kim: Are we really going to do this? 

Molly: Not only are we gonna do it, Abigail, get the camera. 

Abigail: Huh? 

Molly: We're gonna record it for posterity. 

Nancy: Oh, wait a minute.  Lucinda isn't here, and a couple of the other friends. 

Molly: She's right. 

Margo: You know what?  I'll stay. 

Nancy: No, no, Margo, you go.  Because if Rose is right, Molly may need a police escort before the evening's over.  

[Scattered laughter]

Kim: I don't know, are you sure you want to miss having all the fun? 

Nancy: And all the cannoli and so on? 

Margo: Ooh, that's a true thing. 

Nancy: Have fun.  Call me if you need bail money. 

Molly: Thank you, Nancy.  And don't you pick up a plate, okay?

Abigail: Molly, I didn't get what Rose was saying. 

Molly: Oh, honey, you are so cute.  Okay, let me tell you.  We're going to sneak in the back door.  We're going to get Mitzi out of the cake.  And some of Rose's friends from Atlantic City are going to get in the cake.  You see, they do this little act.

Carly: Don't tell her.  Let her figure it out. 

Molly: You think? 

Carly: Yeah, bet you $5 she figures it out before Jake does. 

Abigail: Wait, yeah, please, please, just let me figure it out. 

Molly: Okay. 

Carly: Hey, I'm gonna say good night.  Okay? 

Molly: You're not going to come with us? 

Carly: No.  Not up to it. 

Molly: They were awful.  I'm sorry.  I should have said something. 

Carly: No, I can deal with Lisa and Rose.  It's Jack.  He's going to be there, and I don't wanna run into him. 

Molly: Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to run into him.

Carly: It's too soon. 

Molly: Honey, he's going to be at the wedding. 

Carly: And I'll deal with it, just not tonight. 

Molly: You going to be okay? 

Carly: Yes.  Fine.  And I wanna see those pictures. 

Molly: Oh, oh.  I may just take a page from my ex-nanny's handbook and post them on the Internet.

[Knock on door]

Jack: I just want to make sure you're okay.

Mitzi: Oh.  Listen, you better tell Isaac to get the show on the road, or I don't think my bladder's gonna make it.  I'd like to see him try to climb in here with high heels. 

Hal: Really, man.  I mean, just take it.  Take it. 

Isaac: You are a lucky man, Jake.

Joe: You think so? 

Hal: I've had it. 

Joe: Five will get you ten.  She'll cost him that in a week. 

Hal: Four days. 

Jake: Four hours, but I'm still a lucky man. 

Ben: You are a very lucky man. 

Jake: Yeah, because she'll have me, despite that I have all of you as friends. 

Cass: Now, seriously though, is it possible for you to be serious? 

Jake: Well, you should know better than anyone.  I've known you for -- for how long? 

Cass: Oh, God. 

Jake: I've know you for years.  For years.  Look, two years ago, I lost the only woman that I -- two years ago, I lost the only woman I ever loved.  And I moved here to Oakdale.  I didn't know a soul.  And Cass told me to go for it, that I needed to make a new start.  You remember telling me that?

Cass: Yeah, sure I do.  And look at you now. 


Jake: I'm getting married to an incredible woman who has, just, gorgeous eyes.  And the smile --

Joe: I think you better cut him off, Isaac. 


Jake: No, come on, I'm perfectly -- make a point.  To you gentlemen and those of you who are not, who've become my friends.  Became my friends, God Bless you, 'cause you're going to need it.  I love each and every one of you.  I'm not trying to be sentimental, I'm just saying that -- I'm just saying that tonight is a -- a very special night, because you're all here.  And you made it so.  Salud!

All: Salud!

[Jake turns around to set his beer down and sees Bonnie holding another glass] 

Jake: Oh, thank you, sweetheart. 

Bonnie: Ah, ah, ah.  This isn't for you. 

[Bonnie chugs the beer]

[Scattered Oohs]

[Cheers and whistles]

Isaac: Excuse me? 

Bonnie: You expect me to work through what's coming next?  It's going to take more than beer. 

Joe: Uh-oh. 

Bob: Isaac, what is coming next? 

Isaac: Nothing, nothing's coming next.  Bonnie is leaving.  That's what's coming next. 

Bonnie: Fine.  Please, my pleasure. 

Jake: Great party, Isaac.  Except -- where -- where are the women? 

Isaac: Oh, not, it's a bachelor party.  There's no women allowed.

Cass: Oh, put him out of his misery, Isaac.  Come on. 

Joe: Yeah, before he gets too drunk to appreciate it. 

Jake: Yeah, what he said.  Bring 'em on. 

Isaac: All right.  It's your special night, Jake.  I hope you gentleman are ready, 'cause I got something backstage that you're gonna like.

Jake: All right! 

[Cheers and laughter]

Craig: Oh, Katie, I'm fresh out of ideas for you. 

Katie: Listen, Craig, all you have to do is just convince Bruno that I'll never get over Simon, it's not going to work between us.  I've checked myself into a monastery so he could just forget about it. 

Craig: Lucky monks. 

Katie: Nuns.  Oh, a nunnery?

Craig: A convent. 

Katie: Yes, see, how good you are.  A convent.  A convent in Switzerland, no, Zimbabwe.  So he should just forget about me. 

Craig: Zimbabwe? 

Katie: Mm-hmm. 

Craig: Got it.  And for this I get? 

Katie: I go to Carly, and I tell her you're an inch away from slitting your wrists.  And it's all because of her. 

Craig: That'll make her day. 

Katie: Yes.  It will.  Because even if she doesn't want you, she wants to know that she can get to you.  Women are just like that. 

Craig: Yeah, I've noticed. 

Katie: So she's going to want to come over here and see for herself how much pain you're in.  Oh, and you should get rid of this.  You're way too distraught to eat.

Craig: Yes.  Forgot that in the manual. 

Katie: Do you want her back or not? 

Craig: No, no, no.  Continue. 

Katie: Okay.  Keep the empty bottles.  This is good.  Because you can eat, but you should definitely drink. 

Craig: Oh, that can be arranged. 

Katie: And I love this look.  The "not slept" look, you're so distraught you can't sleep.  This is good.  Don't change it. 

Craig: Yeah. 

Katie: Women love men in pain, as long as they know they put them  there. 

Craig: Yeah, I'm there. 

Katie: All right.  Are you?  Because if you're not, this isn't going to work.

Craig: Oh, no, it'll work.  Yeah. 

Katie: Okay, good. 

Craig: Okay, Zimbabwe. 

Craig: Got it. 

Katie: Yes.  Zimbabwe. 

Craig: Yes. 

Katie: And don't change.  Untuck the shirt a little. 

Rose: Hey, Mitz?  Open up. 

Mitzi: Rosie?  What's goin' on? 

Rose: No, no, keep our voices down.  We don't want the guys to hear. 

Mitzi: Hear what?

Rose: Change of plans.  You're not gonna jumpin' out of the cake. 

Mitzi: Aw, come on, Rose. 

[Scattered shushes]  This is a $200 gig for me. 

Rose: You'll get your 200 bucks, okay?  But someone else, hurry up, is jumpin' outta that cake. 

Mitzi: You know, it doesn't do anything for a girl's self-esteem to get kicked out of a cake at the last minute. 

Rose: It's not about you, okay?  You look great.  Everybody, tell her how great she looks. 

Lisa: Darling, if I looked this great, I'd be jumpin' out of the cake, all right? 

Mitzi: So what gives? 

Rose: Ladies? Take it easy.  That's my dress.  Careful.  You need a hand?  All right.  Listen, don't let on -- don't let on.  We wanna make sure that the groom takes the bait, please?

Molly: Yeah, and chokes on it. 

Abigail: Molly, are -- are they? 

Molly: Oh, yeah, uh-huh. 

[Rose’s cell phone rings]

Rose: Hello, Rose here.  Oh, yeah, yeah.  I'll be right over. [To Molly]  I gotta go. 

Molly: What?  Is everything okay? 

Rose: Ms. Walsh just called me, and there's something going on.  I don't know what she's talking about.  But I gotta go.  I gotta go meet here.  Rose, is it Holden? 

Rose: I don't know.  But I'm crossing my fingers that it's good news. 

Molly: Okay.  Well, will you let us know? 

Rose: Oh yeah.  I will.  I will.  Have fun.  Have fun.

Molly: Thank you. 

Lisa: Ha, ha.  Shh!  Here comes Isaac!  Hurry up, get down. 

Molly: Hide, hide, hide. 

Isaac: All right.  It's show time, Mitzi.  You ready? 

Dancer: Uh-huh. 

Isaac: Okay, let's go. 

Bonnie: This is so antediluvian. 

Isaac: Oh, this is heavy is what this is.  How much can one woman weigh? 

Bonnie: I don't know.  Ow!


Hal: That's a cake. 

Cass: What have we here? 

Isaac: We have a cake. [Laughter] No, what we have is -- Bonnie, could you hit it?  Can you hit it, Bonnie?  We have the main event!  

[Cheers and applause]

Joe: Come on, baby, let's see. 

Craig: Eat your heart out, Carly.  

[Knock at door]

Craig: Bruno! 

Bruno: I don't mean to intrude.  I'm looking for Katie. 

Craig: So you are. 

Bruno: She told you? 

Craig: Yes, you'll have to forgive my sister.  She's very young, inexperienced. 

Bruno: Well, she gave me the slip like a pro. 

Craig: Yeah, well, she's distraught over her marriage. 

Bruno: Where is she? 

Craig: Zimbabwe, a convent.  She's in seclusion.  It's a family tradition.  We all go into seclusion when our hearts are breaking.  You understand.

Look, pal, I happen to know for a fact her plane landed in Oakdale a few hours ago.  So how about you tell me where she is, and I'll think about letting you keep your face? 

Katie: They are so meant for each other.   

[Knocks on door]

Carly: I don't think so. 

Katie: Ow! 

Carly: What!  What! 

Katie: My foot! 

Carly: What is it with your family and feet? 

Katie: Carly, just hear me out, okay?  Craig's in really bad shape. 

Carly: Well, why don't you go tell somebody who cares? 

Katie: It's your fault.  I just got back from St. Martin, and I'm telling you, I've never seen him like this.  He's a wreck.

Carly: And this would be my fault? 

Katie: He's drinking heavily.  He obviously hasn't slept in days.  He hasn't shaved.  He's just sitting in the dark like a zombie.  I'm afraid of what he might do. 

Iva: So after you called I couldn't sit still.  I mean, I just couldn't believe it.  So I jumped on a plane and here I am. 

Lucinda: Matthew? 

Rose: Don't worry, it's just me! 

Luke: Auntie Rose! 

Rose: Luciano!  Oh my gosh, I can't believe it.  Look at you. 

Iva: Well, I couldn't believe it, either, it's a miracle.  They're all home. 

Rose: Why didn't you tell me?

Lucinda: I thought you'd appreciate the jolt. 

Rose: What are you doin' all the way over there?  Come over here and give me a hug. 

[Holden goes to Rose and hugs her]

Lucinda: Now I can relax.  You're all home. 

Lily: And together. 

Holden: And safe.

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