All My Children Transcript Monday 9/10/01
Proofread by Jennifer
Tad: Get off! Get the hell away from my father!
David: What the hell are you doing?
Tad: You all right? What did he do to you?
David: He's sick, you moron!
Tad: What'd you do to him?
Dixie: Tad, Tad, Tad, stop it, stop it, stop it! He collapsed! He's sick! Stop it!
Doctor: Sir, please move out of the way now! Get out of the way! Come on!
David: What took you so long?
Doctor: What happened?
David: I don't know. I found him like this. I was trying to get a pulse!
Doctor: We're on it right away, Dr. Hayward.
Tad: Oh, my God.
Dixie: He collapsed, ok? They think it's his heart.
Doctor: I can't feel a radial pulse. He's clammy.
Second doctor: I've got a femoral pulse -- faint.
First doctor: Ok, we've got a pulse. Hang in there, Dr. Martin, hang in there.
Second doctor: His breathing's still shallow.
First doctor: Bag him.
David: All right, come on, let's get to the ER., Stat.
Doctor: On three. One, two, three. Come on. Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.
Tad: Come on, Pop.
Erica: Why are we here?
Bianca: Myrtle said that Opal needed a change of pace.
Erica: Well, a change of pace, all right. Well, I guess that Mr. Stamp must come here to drink. I mean, how else would Myrtle ever know about a place like this?
Bianca: We should be so lucky. I mean, at least he has a sense of humor.
Erica: I can't believe that I came here and that I brought my teenaged daughter with me.
Bianca: Oh, yeah, right. You always bring me.
Erica: Well, you keep me grounded.
Bianca: I'm your excuse to go home early, like I'm 4 and I have a bedtime.
Man: Hey. I'm Lloyd. I'm -- I'm the bartender.
Bianca: Well, hi, Lloyd the bartender.
Lloyd: You're the Kanes.
Bianca: Actually, I'm a Montgomery, but --
Lloyd: I am your biggest fan.
Erica: Oh, thank you. Oh, yes, I'll bet you're right about that.
Lloyd: Look, whatever -- whatever you're drinking tonight, it's on me.
Erica: Well --
Lloyd: I can't believe this.
Erica: Thanks. I'm going to be drinking bottled water and my daughter will be joining me because she's under age.
Bianca: Thanks for sharing, Mom. Oh, they're here. This is not going to be good. Um, Lloyd the bartender, please excuse us. Our friends are waiting for us.
Bianca: Well, we made it.
Myrtle: Oh, you made the most incredible coincidence come true! I mean, Opal, Opal, look who's here -- Erica and Bianca!
Opal: Oh, hey.
Opal: Quelle surprise.
Myrtle: Excuse me, Darling, excuse me. I'll be right back.
Myrtle: Darling, I am so worried about her.
Erica: She does look awfully blue tonight.
Bianca: Worse than usual?
Myrtle: Worse. Much worse.
Bianca: Well, what is it this time?
Myrtle: Oh, what else -- Palmer.
Bianca and Erica: Palmer.
Erica: Palmer. Well, what did he do to her now?
Myrtle: Well, I don't think anything extraordinary or awful happened, I'm sure.
Bianca: It's just the same old thing. I mean, she does this, like, every three months. How many times have we come to cheer her up?
Erica: Well, I just wish she'd get over it already, snap out of it. I mean, Palmer's gone. He's with Vanessa, God help him, but, I mean, she could have any man she wants.
Myrtle: Well, she wants him.
Erica: I don't know why.
Myrtle: Well, I guess you should.
Erica: What do you mean I should?
Myrtle: Well, you know all about the man that got away.
Erica: Myrtle, they have never gotten away. I have released them.
Bianca: Uh, can I go home and watch "Millionaire" or something? I mean, aren't I too young for this?
Myrtle: Bianca, we truly -- we need your perspective.
Bianca: The gay perspective?
Erica: No, the perspective of youth.
Bianca: Oh, oh, right, right, the token youth. Ok. Opal, what are you drinking?
Opal: Long island iced tea. It's very refreshing.
Bianca: Very, very full of booze.
Erica: How do you know?
Bianca: I just do.
Lloyd: Here, let me help you ladies.
Myrtle: Ahem. So. So, well, well, well, well, well, here we are, here we are -- a surprise evening with the girls, a night out with the girls. Isn't it lovely? I mean, we don't do it nearly often enough, do we?
Erica: No, we don't do it nearly often enough. Garcon?
Bianca: Oh, boy.
Myrtle: Well. So -- well, um -- what should we talk about?
Erica: Well, do we have to follow an agenda?
Myrtle: Well -- well, the thing is I -- I think that, for tonight, we should want one thing completely off limits -- completely off limits -- and that is boys. And girls, and girls. Uh, no love life. No, no, no, no conversation about love, absolutely none, I mean period. Uh, what about the Phillies? Now that's a team that I, uh -- well, I guess not.
Leo: Uh, Laura, you said you were going home.
Laura: You have a bet with her? That's why you married me?
Greenlee: My, my, my, did they throw in bionic eardrums while they had you under for the new heart?
Leo: Laura, that door was closed.
Laura: No, damn it, Leo, I heard the whole thing, ok, on the intercom.
Leo: What whole thing?
Laura: The whole thing! The bet! The bet you guys have that we can't stay married!
Leo: Laura, Laura, whoa --
Laura: No, I heard you laughing, both of you, at me.
Leo: I sure as hell wasn't laughing at you!
Laura: Do you -- do you get off at mocking people, Greenlee? Is that it?
Greenlee: Oh, Honey, you don't want to know how I get off.
Laura: Is this all I am to you, Leo? What, a bet, a game, some joke?
Leo: No, Laura, you're so off base now, you're center field.
Greenlee: Actually, Leo, she's not.
Leo: Greenlee, shut up.
Greenlee: You've got it right, Laura.
Leo: Don't listen to her.
Greenlee: This is a joke. I mean, let's at least call this turkey of a marriage you two got yourself into what it is -- a sham. So why don't you both just face it and move on? The two of you put your eyes back in your heads? At least I'm telling the truth. It stinks not to trust the person you sleep next to every night, doesn't it? I mean, you come in here, you tell me how great your love life is with your husband, and then you leave me here with him and then you put your ear up against the door to see if we're, what, doing it on the desk or something? I mean, this is --
Leo: Ok, Greenlee, shut up! Shut up! Ok, listen, I don't -- I don't know what you heard, Laura, but you clearly didn't hear everything. Greenlee was talking about a bet, not me. And I also told her to forget about it because it's never going to happen between us again because I'm with you.
Greenlee: Please. You are so in denial.
Leo: Laura, I'm with you and only you, and the only commitment that I have to anything is my marriage to you. I love you.
Greenlee: Yeah, and I'm the Queen of Norway.
Leo: I don't have a bet about us staying together, Laura. And if you heard me laughing, you heard me laughing at her because what she was suggesting was so stupid. She wants to make it look like I still want her because she wants to believe what isn't true is true, and it's not true. Look, I only want to hold you in my arms, ok? I only want to be with you.
Leo: Now, come on, let's go.
Greenlee: Not so fast.
Erica: And then I said to this distributor, "I am Erica Kane. I own one of the largest, most successful cosmetics company in the entire world, and you? You are small potatoes."
Bianca: Did you really say "small potatoes"?
Erica: Yes. Why?
Bianca: Oh, just wondering. So, what else?
Erica: Opal, why are you so depressed?
Myrtle: Oh, beautiful.
Erica: No, I mean it, Myrtle. We have to be open and honest with Opal if we're going to help her. I mean, the small talk certainly isn't making her feel any better about whatever it is.
Opal: I cannot even fathom that I was such a dang fool as to fall in love with and marry and have a child with a man like Palmer.
Myrtle: Opal, Opal -- now, Opal, we said that our love lives are off limits tonight.
Bianca: Well, considering that none of us has one at the moment, what's the diff? Who said that?
Opal: I mean, it's not like I miss that furnace lying next to me night after night or nothing. I mean, that guy was like a regular engine and --
Erica: Opal, this is just too much information.
Opal: And those Dirndl skirts he made me wear? I mean, that was enough to make any woman just stay behind closed doors for the rest of her life, which is exactly what he wanted.
Erica: He made you wear Dirndls?
Opal: Do you know what really irks me the most is the way that hussy he married has him wrapped tight around her crooked little pinky.
Myrtle: Listen, I thought he had her under control during the last three months
Opal: Oh, yeah, sure. She had him in such a twitter with the hospital board. You know, she twisted his arm enough to get him to make them reinstate that Hayward character.
Erica: David has been reinstated?
Opal: Oh, yeah, Dixie called me with the news. Oh, yeah. Tad just about had a baby when he found out that Hayward was going to be practicing again. Yeah, and all thanks to at harlot he married that my henpecked, chicken-headed ex of mine has given free rein to that dastardly Hayward to go out and wreak havoc on yet another unsuspecting marriage, just like he did with Tad and Dixie and -- you don't still want him, do you?
Bianca: She'd better not. Uncle Jack would kill her.
Erica: Look, lately I've been thinking -- men are just more trouble than they're worth.
Opal: Yeah. Right on.
Erica: What is that look for?
Bianca: Mom, you left 13 messages for Uncle Jack in an hour tonight.
Erica: Uncle Jack is my attorney. I need his help.
Bianca: Well, Chris Stamp was running a close second in the message department.
Erica: I happen to employ Mr. Stamp.
Myrtle: Now there is a man.
Opal: Who? Well, do I know him? Tell me it's the liquor talking.
Opal: Oh, tell me this is not some out-of-body experience or some hallucination or just a really, really bad dream.
Bianca: Opal, are you ok?
Opal: Look what the alley cat just drug in.
Dixie: Tad, Tad, look, just wait. Just wait here.
Tad: What --
Dixie: Listen to me -- as much as I hate this fact, unfortunately, if your dad does have something wrong with his heart, the best doctor in the hospital is David.
Tad: No. No, it's all wrong. He should see anybody but David, ok? Where the hell is Jake? Didn't they page him?
Dixie: Yes, I had the floor nurse page him and your mom, too, ok? Everybody's on their way.
Tad: My mom. Dixie, what is this going to do to my mom?
Dixie: Come here.
Tad: Thank God.
Jake: What happened to Dad?
Tad: He -- he just -- I don't know. They think he had a heart attack.
Jake: All right. Who's in there with him right now?
Dixie: David Hayward.
Jake: Ok. All right. Did he ever lose consciousness?
Dixie: I don't think so.
Tad: Yeah, no.
Jake: All right, all right, all right, that's good.
Tad: Is it? Does it mean anything?
Jake: Just -- I'm going to go check on him. You wait right here, all right?
Tad: Jake, take care of him.
Dixie: Ok, talk to me. What happened? Has Joe been sick or something?
Tad: He was fine. It was m I did this. It was me.
Dixie: Baby, what are you talking about? You didn't do this to your dad.
Tad: I caused -- I caused his heart attack.
Tad: I did. Dixie, we had a fight. I said some -- some awful things. I was just so angry, I --
Dixie: You were angry at Joe?
Tad: No, I was angry at Hayward for getting his job back and I just -- I took it out on Pop.
Dixie: Honey, don't do this to yourself. You cannot cause another person to have a heart attack.
Tad: I don't know. I don't know. You weren't there. You didn't hear the things I said. I said some -- I said some awful things, things I shouldn't have said. What the hell's wrong with me? I just keep doing things that I just -- I shouldn't do. I keep --
Tad: I feel I'm spending my life wanting to take back things that I can't.
Dixie: Stop it. Stop it. Listen to me -- your father loves you. There is nothing that he cannot forgive of you, there's nothing that he doesn't understand. He's your dad. You loves you. And nobody -- not Joe, not anybody -- least of all Joe -- is going to blame you for this.
Tad: What is it? He's ok?
Palmer: I don't know how you can possibly let the gas drain right down to empty when we're going along and you should've -- I don't understand.
Vanessa: I know, I know, Palmer. Terrible place to have a breakdown in this hellhole.
Palmer: Oh, I don't know. I've spent a lot of time in places like this when I was in Pigeon Hollow. Yeah, good place as any to wait for the automobile club.
Vanessa: Really? Hmm.
Lloyd: This is unreal. More celebrities. I'm Lloyd, Mr. Cortlandt. I'm one of your biggest fans.
Palmer: Well, Lloyd, Lloyd.
Vanessa: He's a fan?
Palmer: Hey, Lloyd, you could make my day. I bet you have a bottle of Pigeon Hollow bourbon behind that bar, hmm?
Lloyd: I sure do, sir.
Vanessa: All right, I'll have a Kir.
Palmer: You'll have bourbon.
Opal: Just look at those sparkles dripping off of her fingers. She's got to set him back at least 100 grand a week in jewelry alone.
Erica: Oh, no, that's paste. Are you kidding? She sells all the real jewelry so she can buy her clothes.
Myrtle: Does she?
Erica: Yeah, she does. But as you can see from what she's wearing, money doesn't buy taste.
Opal: Or class.
Bianca: Meow, ladies. Really.
Opal: The way I figure it, she's got him brainwashed and hog-tied, like in a cult.
Palmer: Thank you, thank you.
Vanessa: Oh, do you happen to have bitters? Young man, I am speaking to you.
Palmer: Oh, my God.
Vanessa: Call it The Pits, huh? How apropos. You know, Palmer, I can't believe there's still a place on earth like -- oh, my.
Greenlee: I'm still playing like we have a bet. Honor among thieves.
Leo: Greenlee, can you please just wrap this?
Greenlee: You can run, but you can't hide.
Leo: Oh, from who? Watch me. Come on.
Greenlee: From what you feel for me. I'm in your head, I'm in your blood, I'm in you.
Leo: Yeah, and we're out of here.
Greenlee: Jake, it's me. Are you there? Pick up. You still at the hospital? Come on. I need you, damn it. I'm coming home. Be there.
Greenlee: Val. Sweetie, I'm leaving.
Val: Erica's nightly package.
Greenlee: Well, why are you giving it to me? The messenger was right down --
Val: Because she wanted you to deliver it in person.
Greenlee: Come on. Why?
Val: Because she's Erica Kane, Greenlee. And she owns you.
Laura: Leo, Leo, can you slow down?
Laura: Hey, come on, come on, Leo, slow down. Look, this -- this isn't even the way home. Where we going?
Doctor: How is he?
Second doctor: Is Dr. Joe going to be ok?
Jake: Uh, Dad is stable. His vital signs are good, he has no chest pains. Probably just a scare. But we're going to know more by tomorrow.
Dixie: Thank God.
Tad: Are you sure?
Jake: He had an arrhythmia, Tad, and it's resolved itself.
Tad: He just had a stress test a couple months ago.
Jake: Yeah, well, these things just crop up. Stress brings it on. Anyway, he's -- we're going to let him rest. We're going to monitor his condition for the next 24 hours, at least. And he's comfortable now and -- and there's no damage at all to his heart. He's fine.
Tad: I want to see him.
Jake: Well, listen, Mom's coming up, so why don't you just wait a couple of minutes, ok?
David: He's good, Jake.
Jake: Thanks, David.
Jake: Hey, Dad.
Joe: Hi, Jake.
Jake: Listen, want you to know Mom's on her way up. She's down there in the OR.
Jake: Just outside. He's a wreck.
David: You acted quickly, Dixie. I think it made all the difference with Joe being ok.
Dixie: I just called for help.
David: You just did the right thing. If you weren't there to alert the code team, we could've lost him.
Palmer: Is your son ever going to grow up?
Opal: My son?
Palmer: Well, I'm not talking about our son, Peter.
Palmer: Yes, Tad. Do you know how much harm he's done to my niece again? When is it going to stop?
Opal: Don't you get started with me, Palmer Cortlandt. It's her no-good son who wrecked everything between Tad and Dixie.
Vanessa: Oh, please, please! Now, my son is a brilliant cardiologist.
Opal: Oh, shut up, you hothouse tomato, you! You make me queasy, Palmer, and your wife makes me queasier.
Erica: You know, perhaps you wouldn't want to really air your private lives right out here.
Opal: You think I care what these barflies think about me? I mean, just wait till they get a gander at Mr. And Mrs. Super Couple here. They'll know what I know!
Palmer: I've got to go see a man about a dog.
Opal oh, well, some things you can just set your clock to.
Vanessa: Well -- well, I have a drink at the bar.
Myrtle: Well, go get it.
Bianca: Well, could this get any better?
Erica: Oh, good. Greenlee.
Greenlee: Hi. Bye.
Erica: Not so fast. I have to read this. You have to wait in case I have to sign it, and then you need to take it back to Enchantment.
Bianca: Mom reads quite deliberately. This could take a while.
[Car engine stops]
Laura: Why were you driving like that?
Leo: I was angry.
Laura: I know. Why'd we stop here?
Leo: I don't know. It doesn't matter.
[Leo kisses Laura passionately]
Laura: Whoa. What was that for?
Leo: Tell me it's ok to do this in here, Laura. Just tell me that it's ok.
Greenlee's voice: Why don't we make a little bet? I bet that I can get you back in my bed before your three-month anniversary with your child bride.
Tad: What is it? How is he?
Jake: He's better. He wants to see you.
Tad: Hey, Pop.
Tad: I'm so sorry. I'm -- I'm --
Joe: You're my son. And that's all I know.
Erica: Ok. You take this right back to Alan in legal. He's waiting for you. Now, Greenlee.
Greenlee: Thank you, Erica.
Greenlee: Excuse me. Could I just get a seltzer with lime?
Lloyd: Are you famous, too?
Vanessa: And what's your excuse for being here, Darling?
Greenlee: Oh, come on.
Erica: Just stay out of Palmer's way, Opal, that's all. I mean, you have to move on.
Opal: Well, listen to you.
Erica: You should.
Opal: Yeah, well, when have you ever moved on?
Erica: I have moved on from every single relationship I've ever had with a man.
Opal: Oh, please.
Erica: And, Opal, I have come out stronger and --
Opal: If any one of them 347 guys you have dated or been married to ever came calling, you would be swiveling that size 0 behind of yours so fast, the breeze would knock them over.
Erica: Well, you know what? I'm just going to chalk up that insensitivity of yours to the fact that you have consumed so much alcohol. Do you have her keys?
Myrtle: I'm driving. Opal, Opal -- Opal, don't try anything. Don't. I mean it.
Opal: You know, that man used to be a laugh riot underneath before all that phony baloney, to-the-manor-born crud.
Myrtle: Opal, Opal, Dear, do you know what we're going to do? Do you know what we're going to do? We're going back to my house and I'm going to make us tea -- black tea -- about a gallon.
Opal: I think it would be good if a woman like me was to give that twit he calls a wife an itty-bitty little surprise.
All: Oh, no, you don't.
Greenlee: Jake, where are you? It's me. I'm at The Pit out by the mall. I need you. Get over here now.
[Laura and Leo make love]
Laura: Where did that come from?
Opal: No, no! I know, I know. It is my -- my quest -- my vision quest, if you will.
Erica: Oh, do we have to?
Opal: To get that snake in the grass away from Palmer T. Cortlandt.
Opal: My tiger.
Opal: My little lamby tiger.
Bianca: If I beg, can we go?
Opal: Myrt? It's time to go.
Myrtle: I agree. Wonderful idea, wonderful idea.
Erica: It's too late for me.
Bianca: I have to tuck in my Barbies.
Erica: Excuse me, I've got to take this call.
Myrtle: Let's go, Darling. Are you all right? Here.
Bianca: You guys get home safe, all right?
Myrtle: Oh, God, help me.
Erica: Yes, all right, I'll be right there.
Bianca: Is everything all right?
Erica: Oh, nothing for you to worry about, Honey. It's just something at the office. Listen, can you drive yourself home?
Bianca: Oh, sure. What are you going to do?
Erica: I'm going to hail a cab. Are you sure you're ok?
Bianca: Yeah, that's fine, but why don't you just let me drive you?
Erica: No, no, no, Honey, I want to take care of it myself and I want you to go straight home.
Bianca: All right. Are you sure there's nothing wrong?
Erica: It nothing I can't handle, believe me.
Erica: I've just got to run.
Bianca: No room at the inn?
Greenlee: Isn't this place a little too butch for you, Lesbianca?
Bianca: So many men. None of them wanting you.
Greenlee: Shut up.
Greenlee: Come on, Jake.
Jake: You ok?
Tad: Yeah, I'm great.
Jake: Listen, I don't want to make you feel worse, but --
Jake: I just hope this was a wake-up call for you.
Tad: For me? How so?
Jake: Because Dad's having a hard enough time having to stomach taking Hayward back on staff here. Wasn't his choice, Tad. But if you're going to be out for Hayward's blood --
Tad: Jake -- relax, ok? I don't intend to mention this Hayward thing with Dad ever again.
Jake: Well, that'd be a good idea.
Tad: Let me ask you something.
Tad: Why you riding me?
Jake: Riding you? I asked you a question.
Tad: Yeah, I know exactly what you asked me. But as my brother, I would fully expect you know exactly what I'm going through and exactly how I feel. I guess your moral standing's taken a little bit of a dive, huh, now that the good doctor's made you an offer you can't refuse?
Jake: This has nothing to do with me. This is something you're going through on your own.
Dixie: Tad is mortified, Joe. But I -- I'm sorry to tell you I don't think he's ready to give up his hatred of David.
Joe: That's where you come in, Dixie.
Dixie: Joe, he won't listen to me, not about this. You know, because of what -- what happened between David and me.
Joe: It's up to you to convince him that the right thing, strong thing is to let it go.
Dixie: You know, I would do that, but I feel like his whole idea of who he is as a man and as a father and as a son is all wrapped up in this idea of whether he perceives David as having won or not.
Joe: Doesn't matter. And he needs you to help him see that.
Dixie: I'll try, Joe. You know I'll do anything for Tad.
Jake: Look, I don't know if I'm going to take Hayward's offer or not. But whether I do or whether I don't, it's none of your concern.
Tad: That's right, Jake, go ahead, do it. Do it the right way. You do it the Martin way. Just suck it up, pretend it doesn't matter. Let the scum of the earth walk all over you.
Jake: You don't even know what you're talking about. This is my career and I've dedicated my life to taking care of people. So I'm certainly not going to turn my back on an opportunity to do that. I don't care if the offer does come from David Hayward.
Tad: You know, you're right -- it's your business, not mine. I'll stay out of it. I mean, I would expect you to do the same thing for me if the shoe were on the other foot, so I could honor that.
Jake: You're sure?
Tad: Absolutely. Hell, I'm so sick of talking about Hayward, it's old news already. I'm sorry that I blew up at you. I was -- I was just upset about Dad.
Tad: That's you.
Jake: Mom's on her way up. Talk to you later.
Laura: Huh. I guess that's what they talk about, huh?
Leo: Who "they"?
Laura: People who make love. Like we just did. You were unbelievable, Leo.
Greenlee's voice: Yeah, that's you -- unbelievable. Poor thing. She really thinks that was for her. Laura thinks you were making love to her. But you weren't, baby, were you? You were making love to me.
>> On the next "All My Children" --
Mia: Ryan's in trouble. He's been arrested. You have to help him.
Greenlee: I want to hear more about this job offer. If it's so great, why are you hesitating?
Man: You get off on being a tease?
Gillian: Jesse, we have to do something!
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