All My Children Transcript Tuesday 7/7/98
Provided by Suzanne
Proofread by Gisele
Mike: You kissed me back.
Erica: I did not.
Mike: You did so.
Liza: This clinic promised me the epitome of perfection, the gold standard.
Ryan: Little mama, congratulations.
Liza: Oh, shut up, you idiot.
Lee: I'll take anything -- scrubbing floors, washing dishes.
Mateo: He gets my vote.
Hayley: If we were still the owners, we'd hire him.
Albert: You can start tomorrow.
Lee: You're not going to regret this.
Ryan: And in column two, my figures are up in 10s and in 30s. Plus the clearance rate is up 20% over last year. And we're over quota in all of our long-term contracts. I would say that these figures are bonus-worthy.
Liza: Actually, anywhere else they may be.
Ryan: Grease my palm, and July will fly.
Liza: No. No July. I have to let you go, and you can pick up your check at Human Resources on your way out.
Ryan: On the way where?
Liza: Out. Sorry.
Ryan: But these numbers are unbelievable.
Liza: These numbers are not good enough for WRCW, Ryan. I'm sorry. You're just not up to the job.
Ryan: Wait a second. Wait a damn second. I know exactly what's going on.
Liza: No, you don't. The world does not revolve around Ryan Lavery and his bodily fluids.
Allie: About time you got here.
Jake: What do you mean? I'm early.
Allie: What are you talking about? I got 30 miles on you. Hurry up and catch up.
Jake: Oh, flying high on protein shakes again, I see.
Allie: Protein schmotein. I sent Liza's check off to Stanford. It went out this morning.
Jake: Wasted no time there.
Allie: Hey --
Allie: Liza's editorial made last night's evening news. Did you catch it?
Jake: No, I had an emergency appendectomy.
Allie: I'll summarize it for you.
Allie: Palmer Cortlandt --
Allie: The bullheaded, hard-nosed bureaucrat -- uh-huh -- forces Pine Valley Hospital to prosecute the doctor who saved his little boy's life. Good, huh?
Jake: Liza pulls no punches.
Allie: I'm telling you, Jake, it's a major takedown. I mean, Liza -- she's amazing. She's come through for us twice now.
Jake: Yeah, she's -- she's been a really good friend to us.
Allie: The best. I feel like God sent her to us just when we needed help the most, you know.
Jake: So it'd be fantastic if we could return the favor, do something good for her.
Allie: Sure. I mean, this Godparent thing is going to be a trip and a half, you know. I can just see it now -- Liza needs a break, right, so you and I show up with our mountain bikes, strap Junior on, and off we go. That little kid is going to have the cutest little helmet, the best workout clothes. We're going to be the coolest Godparents in town.
Jake: I agree. But I think we're going to be more than just Godparents.
Jake: I'm going to be a donor for Liza at the fertility clinic.
Allie: What? Wait -- wait -- wait a minute. You're going to father Liza's baby?
Erica: What a glorious day to be alive. Birds are singing. There's not a cloud in the sky. I certainly hope you've taken a moment to look out the window this morning, because this is not a morning to be missed. So, how are you? How is the one and only Mike Roy?
Mike: I'm fine. I'm fine. The doctors say I'll be out of the bed soon.
Erica: Good, good. Oh, a hospital is no place to lay your head down. You know, these sheets -- just way below average in thread count.
Mike: Actually, I've been lying here making plans.
Erica: Oh? For what?
Mike: Our first skydive together. Remember the plans we made in the cabin, all the things we wanted to do in life before it was final checkout time? You, Erica Kane, you wanted to jump out of an airplane. You thought it would be thrilling, a kind of mix of fear and sheer delight that crackles in the throat -- the stuff that you and I can't get enough of -- life. I can't wait to get you above the clouds, holding hands as we throw ourselves into the void, watching the universe whirl around us. There is no greater thrill than that, Erica.
Erica: Well, I don't know how Jack's going to feel about my going skydiving with you, but I'll certainly run it by him.
Erica: Yes. Jackson.
Mike: Uh-huh. Look, honey, I'm sorry to remind you of bad news, but, you see, Jackson is no longer your fiancé. Yeah. He shot you out of the ether. He dumped you. He dropped you flat. In other words, there's no marriage.
Erica: Oh, that.
Mike: Yeah, just a little thing, I know.
Erica: Just a temporary setback.
Mike: Didn't you tell me that Jackson was so livid at you that he wouldn't even consider marriage? In fact, I think you screamed it at me as you were about to impale me with a forklift.
Erica: But I know the man I love, and Jack always cools off.
Mike: Put him in an igloo for 10 or 20 years.
Erica: Well, there's no way I'm going to give up on the man of my dreams, no matter how long I have to wait.
Adam: What does that mean, you have nothing?
Jack: All right, look, this conversation's going nowhere. I've told you that the department is working on it, Adam.
Adam: What, in their sleep? She's been missing for five days now. Anyone in my family could be her next target.
Jack: If she is the proper suspect, yes.
Adam: Oh, well, who else do you have? Who?
Jack: I have nobody else, Adam.
Adam: Yes, you have no one else because it's Camille, Jack.
Jack: We've been over this time and time again. Let's try it one more time. Watch my lips. A, we have no proof that Camille is a killer.
Adam: Find her. Question her. You might learn something that way.
Jack: And, B, there are other police matters that the Pine Valley Police Department need to look into besides this one.
Adam: Have you told --
Jack: Are we clear now?
Adam: Have you told your police department that she was a magician's assistant, that a disappearing act is her specialty?
Jack: No, Adam, I decided to keep that all to myself. Of course I -- I'm not going to do this with you. I will let you know if we find her.
Adam: No, not "if," Jack. When. When. I want Camille Hawkins behind bars, and I want her there now. Stuart, where the devil have you been?
Stuart: You don't have to worry about Camille, Adam. She's harmless.
Adam: Well, that's one subject that we will never agree on, so let's just drop it.
Stuart: You sent the district attorney after her. That's not dropping it. I heard you.
Adam: I did what I had to do.
Stuart: You're all wound up over Camille. She couldn't hurt anyone, not in a million years.
Adam: You're dangerously naive where Camille is concerned.
Stuart: But it doesn't matter because when I saw Camille, she was packing to leave Pine Valley for good.
Adam: When you saw -- you saw her?
Stuart: Saw her? Heck, while you've been looking for her, I've been hiding her.
Mateo: Albert -- Al-- just stop for a second. Look, I don't know how much iced tea you need, all right? Listen, the Fourth of July party, that's your show. You own the place now. No, I'm not sending Hayley down there. I don't want her setting foot in that place. And look, have a great grand reopening, but don't call us for every little thing, all right? We can't be your consultants on this thing. Ok. Fine. Same to you. Good luck. Iced tea?
Gillian: Oh, Matt, I'm so glad I found you.
Mateo: Hey, Gillian, what's up?
Gillian: My toad of a husband is. That's what's up. Listen, I'm here to apologize for his behavior the other day -- coming on to your wife like that, causing the trouble.
Mateo: Don't worry about it.
Gillian: No, I'm mortified. You're living in the same house with a man who's trying to break up your marriage.
Mateo: He's not going to get anywhere.
Gillian: I have never met a man who's so secure in his relationship. Are you really not afraid of Ryan?
Mateo: Afraid? Gillian, listen, he did us a favor. If anything, he brought Hayley and I closer together, if that's possible.
Gillian: Ok. Maybe -- maybe there is a translation problem, something I'm not getting.
Mateo: Ok, how do I explain this to you? Whenever Hayley and I hit a snag in our marriage, all we have to do is look at you and Ryan and suddenly our problems don't seem so bad.
Gillian: That's not really funny, is it?
Mateo: Oh, come on. You married him to keep from getting deported. I mean, you're not supposed to love each other, are you?
Gillian: No, of course not.
Mateo: He's a young guy. He's going to look at other women. You know that, right?
Gillian: Yes, I'm aware of that.
Mateo: And I know. I'm not blind. I know he has his sights set on Hayley. He thinks Hayley's going to come to him for advice. Hayley wouldn't ask him for advice on a hangnail. And every time he comes on to her, it just makes her happier to be with me.
Gillian: Mateo, Ryan is not that awful.
Mateo: Compared to what?
[Knock on door]
Lee: Knock, knock. Hope you don't mind. The maid let me in.
Mateo: John. What's going on?
Lee: How you doing, buddy?
Mateo: Good. Good. This is Gillian. This is my hospital ex-roommate, John.
Lee: Hi. I -- hi.
Gillian: Nice to meet you.
Lee: Yeah, I always enjoy meeting a beautiful woman. Oh, speaking of which, I brought this for Hayley. It's just kind of a token of my appreciation.
Adam: Of all the asinine -- Camille Hawkins has been stalking our family for months, and you take her in like a long-lost puppy. Are you an idiot?
Hayley: Dad. Don't speak to Uncle Stuart like that.
Adam: How long did you keep her up at the cabin?
Stuart: Since the night she ran out of the hospital, the night Scott got hurt.
Adam: I'm getting the police up there right away.
Stuart: She's not there anymore. I checked this morning. She boarded up the cabin, just like she promised.
Hayley: Dad, chill.
Adam: Do you realize what you've done?
Hayley: Uncle Stuart did what he thought was best. What does it matter about Camille? She's gone.
Adam: Damn it, Stuart. First you fall in love with the busiest tramp in the state, and now you've got your new friend who is a psychopath who's trying to wipe out our entire family. Could you possibly -- possibly -- have done anything dumber?
Scott: All right, that's enough, Uncle Adam.
Ryan: This is completely unacceptable.
Liza: It's not open for debate.
Ryan: What's the matter, Liza? Eyeballs glued to the paper? You can't even look at me when you fire me?
Liza: Of course, I can.
Ryan: I'm your top salesperson. Double-digit increases over a year ago.
Liza: You're also a liar and a cheat.
Ryan: And you are embarrassed because you almost had the great good fortune to be the mother of my child.
Liza: That is not true.
Ryan: A little touchy, are we?
Liza: As a former employee of WRCW, I suggest you leave the building now.
Ryan: Look, ok, we don't have to be embarrassed about this. I'll still be your top salesperson, and you'll still be the boss lady.
Liza: And you're still fired.
Ryan: Why? Demon seed? My work would stand up at any station on the air. You and I both know that. Fine, I took some kickbacks, ok? But that's done. Why? Because I'm paying for it in a year-long marriage with Princess Perfect. There's no excuses here, Liza -- none. You cannot let me go.
Liza: This is my station. It's my ball. Go play somewhere else.
Ryan: Then that's it?
Liza: Yeah, that's it. I'm sorry. That's the way it has to be.
Ryan: I'm sorry, too. I tell you, I sure hate to go this route.
Liza: What route?
Ryan: The charges, the countercharges, the publicity.
Liza: What publicity?
Ryan: The deluge when I sue you for sexual harassment.
Liza: You're bluffing.
Ryan: This need to have a baby, a desire unfulfilled, started out so perfectly, didn't it? But then the dream began to twist. Soon it turned into a nightmare. "Station owner linked with former employee."
Liza: "Linked"? What exactly are you talking about?
Ryan: Did I mention I sat on a jury recently? I know the inner workings of a trial. You'll watch as my lawyer enters the courtroom, and he'll slam the June report down in front of you. "Ms. Colby," he'll say, "It's obvious you didn't fire this young man because he made you money. There must have been something that came between the two of you, made you want to let him go."
Liza: He's a lying cheat.
Ryan: "A man that donates his sperm so a woman can have a child -- does that sound like a man with no character?"
Liza: You know, I'm not playing this game with you anymore.
Ryan: "Answer the question, Ms. Colby. What kind of boss requests her employee's sperm?"
Ryan: "You repeatedly asked him for his sperm, and when he said no, you fired him."
Liza: I turned you down.
Ryan: That's the way you see it. But upon serious reflection, I'm thinking it was the other way around.
Liza: It wasn't.
Ryan: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you decide." I'm going to go empty out my desk and get myself an attorney -- unless you want to settle this right now, avoid having to sell this whole place to come up with the millions of dollars that the jury will award me. Ok. I'll let you think about it for a while.
Liza: Ryan, I don't do blackmail. Been there, done it, done it way better than you.
Ryan: Unbelievable. Is there anything that you haven't done first?
Liza: You're out of your league.
Ryan: Ok. This whole thing is a little awkward. It is. But it's not like it was a plot against you. My clinic visits weren't acts of charity. I was getting paid. I need the money. My wife and I have expenses coming out of everywhere. And now thanks to your mad scene at the clinic, they fired me, too.
Liza: So you're broke.
Ryan: I'm worse than broke, ok? My wife has got a $10-a-day cappuccino habit. She's got a haute couture monkey on her back. Liza, I could be valuable to you, all right? I -- I -- my God, there's nothing I wouldn't do to stay on the RCW gravy train. Absolutely nothing. I've got no morals. I've got no scruples. I'm your dream employee. Work with me here. You want a yes man? I'll learn how to say it in a hundred different languages. A salesman? What, a henchman? My God, do you want me to get on my knees and beg George Clooney to be the father of your child? I'll do it. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll never say "fertility clinic" again. Just please, please don't cut out my cash flow.
Allie: And tell me, how did this come about? Did Liza just up and ask you?
Jake: No, not exactly. I volunteered.
Allie: Really? Oh, that's just like a real friend, Jake.
Jake: No, listen. You should have seen her face. She was just -- she was devastated. You know how much she wants to have a child.
Allie: Yeah, I do know.
Jake: Yeah? She's undertaking this whole thing on her own, and it's brave. It takes a lot of heart and a lot of courage.
Allie: Well, that Liza's really something else, isn't she?
Jake: And I realized that I could do this for her. It's that simple. What else could I do?
Allie: I don't know what to say except "Wow."
Jake: Honey, we both know that this is just a simple clinical procedure. There's nothing to it.
Allie: Yeah, except we both know that normally this kind of thing is kept private and anonymous, not friend to friend, Jake.
Jake: But in this case it's the perfect way to show her how much that she means to us. The check, you know --
Allie: Right, the money.
Jake: Uh-huh. And she helped us with David Hayward. Not to mention asking us to be Godparents. You said yourself she's been there for us, and she has. Now's the perfect chance to be there for her.
Allie: So you're totally cool with this, huh? You don't foresee any conflict down the line?
Jake: No, I don't.
Mike: Ah, Erica. The universe could be collapsing, you could be facing death and dismemberment, but you'll get through. You will survive and conquer.
Erica: You don't think that I could get Jack back?
Mike: In this lifetime?
Erica: Well, may I remind you that the world waited for Bogart and Bacall, for Gable and Lombard.
Mike: Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. Now, there was a relationship that went south.
Erica: Ah, yes. But I have never heard the words uttered by Jack Montgomery, "Off with her head." No, I think that Jack's anger is really just a facade just to cover how hurt he's feeling because Jack is a sensitive man.
Mike: How in love with the guy could you be? You haven't even stabbed him yet.
Erica: I'm as in love with him as he is with me. Does that answer your question?
Mike: Well, you really think that Jack can ignore that you have feelings for me?
Erica: Nothing to ignore, Mike. I had feelings.
Mike: Anything's possible, but wishing won't make it so.
Erica: Jack has forgiven me before, and he will again because he truly loves me. You see, Mike, in the 13 years that you missed, shallow Erica learned a heck of a lesson -- love matters. Love matters enough to fight for, enough to die for. Jack and I both agree on that. That's why I know that Jack and I will get back together -- soon.
Mike: Ok, Erica, you win. After all the things that I have done to you, if you still want Jack back, I will do anything to help you. I'll tell you what -- we'll go back to Linden, we'll put our heads together, and we'll map out operation win Jack back.
Erica: Oh, I'm so sorry. That just won't be possible.
Mike: No? It won't be? You just --
Erica: No, because you're not coming back to Linden with me ever. As a matter of fact, I've had your things brought here. Hi. Come on in, Rob. So, you see, as soon as you're well, you can move on with your life. You can move out of Pine Valley for good -- alive this time.
Mike: Take them back.
Erica: Well, you'll need your clothes.
Mike: I'm staying with my clothes, damn it, Erica.
Erica: No, I'm sorry. I don't do ménage a Mike, not anymore. Rob, put the bags right over here. Thank you very much. That'll be all.
Rob: Yes, ma'am.
Mike: Damn it, Erica. I did not brave shot, shell, and forklift so that you could go kiting off with your Dudley Do Right.
Erica: Gee, just a minute ago you were so anxious to help me get back to Jack.
Mike: That was before you decided to jettison me out of your life. Look, Erica, you owe me. After all, you did put me here, you know.
Erica: I'll donate blood.
Mike: Oh, yeah? What's your type, R.H.P. -- red-hot and passionate?
Erica: Oh, you are just impossible.
Mike: That's why we're perfect together.
Erica: No, not anymore.
Mike: Oh, come on, Erica. We both felt that kiss yesterday. I am in your system. Admit it.
Erica: You are not in my system. I did not kiss you yesterday. And stop making that face -- you are not in pain.
Mike: Tell that to my wound.
Erica: In fact, I hope that I didn't ever give you any indication that all of your scheming worked, because you should know that I am not the vulnerable, mindless ninny that you thought I was.
Mike: You're plenty vulnerable when I hold you in my arms.
Erica: I miss Jack's arms. And if you'll excuse me, I have some important phone calls to make, but I'll stop back on my way.
Mike: You look great, by the way. What has she got up that big perfumed sleeve of hers?
Mike: Hey, man.
Adrian: I waited until Scarlett left for more barbecue. What's the deal? You look like you lost two pints of blood.
Mike: Yeah, well, I may lose more than that, my friend -- something irreplaceable, namely Erica.
Adrian: Yeah, it's the drugs talking. Come on, how are you going to lose Erica? After all you've done to her? For her.
Mike: Huh. Damned if I know, my friend. But you can bet your last cyanide pill I'll find out. And you're going to help me.
Adrian: All right. Turn the other jaw.
Mike: I don't need you to hit me. Just listen to me.
Lee: Oh, it's too bad I missed Hayley. Jeez. One smile from his wife changes my whole day.
Mateo: Mine, too.
Lee: Hey, would you just give this to her for me? It's just kind of a token of my appreciation.
Mateo: John, come on, you didn't have to go through all that trouble.
Lee: Hey, come on, after what you two did for me? And if you guys hadn't have spoken up for me at Holidays, I'd probably be out on the streets.
Mateo: Get out of here.
Lee: Well, you know, a cabin in the woods, maybe. Look, it isn't much, but, you know, it means a lot to me. I came to this town sick and without a friend, and, you know, now I'm feeling better, I'm paying the rent, and I feel like I got two great friends in you and Hayley.
Mateo: Well, we think of you as a friend, too.
Lee: Yeah, well, you can't get too many of those, huh?
Mateo: No, you can't.
Lee: Seriously, Mateo, you guys mean a lot to me. I hope you know that.
Mateo: Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Lee: No, I mean, like if anything ever goes wrong, you just call, I'll be there.
Mateo: I'll give her the present.
Lee: Oh, yeah. Ok, I appreciate it. All right, you guys have a good day. See you later. Oh, hey, by the way, did the cops ever find out who was behind all that stuff that was done to you and the Chandlers? Man, it was all over the newspapers -- apartments blowing up, elevators falling, and something happened with that kid, Scott. He was almost electrocuted. I don't see anything about it anymore. What's the deal? Everyone all right?
Mateo: It's still under investigation.
Lee: Well, I tell you, that's either a weird set of coincidences or you've got a real sicko on your hands.
Mateo: Tell me about it.
Lee: Yeah. All right, well, look, I got to get going. I got to start slinging some hash. Just tell Hayley I stopped by to see her, ok? I'll catch up with her later. See you.
Gillian: Bye. Well, I hope I never have to beg to be hired as a waitress at Holidays. What's hash, anyway? Mateo? What's up? You look so worried.
Adam: I'm waiting for an apology.
Scott: Well, you can go ahead and wait. In the meantime, start treating my father with a little bit of respect.
Hayley: Scott is right. How dare you speak to Uncle Stuart like that.
Stuart: Everybody just calm down. Ranting and raving is the only way Adam has to deal with his anger. It's never really worked for him, but it's all he's got.
Scott: Dad, do not apologize for him.
Hayley: Yes. You are completely out of line.
Adam: He's protecting the woman who's out to get us, and I'm out of line?
Stuart: Camille is a lost soul, Adam.
Adam: She's a would-be serial killer. An electrocution, an elevator ride through hell, and an explosion. You were almost killed, all of you.
Hayley: That wasn't Camille.
Stuart: It was somebody else.
Adam: I'm leaving.
Stuart: This is your house.
Adam: I'm going back to Pigeon Hollow to make an attempt to put our sister back in her grave and make sure my son is well protected. There will come a day when I've jailed Camille when you will all thank me for finding out that she and she alone was responsible for these attacks on our family.
Hayley: Dad, wait. Please. This is not good for your blood pressure.
Adam: Well, I'll see what I can do about that.
Hayley: Listen, listen -- after you take care of Junior and Dixie -- please, I'm asking you for me -- to come to the grand reopening of Holidays. The whole family's going to be there, and you're going to be our secret guest of honor because without you, none of it would have been possible.
Adam: Wait a minute. Were you in a coma along with Mateo? Did you miss everything that went on back then?
Scott: Uncle Adam, your people skills stink.
Adam: Well, Mr. Congeniality, what do you think is going to happen if this whole family gets together in one room on the Fourth of July -- or any other day for that matter?
Hayley: Dad, will you please chill out?
Adam: On a slab in the morgue?
Hayley: Look at yourself. Just look at you -- veins bulging out of your neck. Your blood pressure is probably skyrocketing. Now, please, I am begging you -- give up this Camille obsession before it eats you alive.
Adam: I'm going to save the lives of everyone in this sorry family if it kills me.
Jake: Hey. You disappeared.
Allie: Yeah, I was taking a shower. You know me, Miss Clean.
Jake: Yeah. So, have you thought about this anymore?
Allie: I don't know, Jake. It's a pretty big step for all of us.
Jake: Yeah, but what better way to thank Liza for everything she's done for us?
Allie: What about -- what about birthdays? Jake, have you thought about, like, how you're going to sign the cards? "Uncle Jake"?
Jake: This is getting a little ahead of ourselves. I mean, we've got plenty of time to worry about those details.
Allie: Well, does it bother you at all that your little boy or your little girl may never know who their real father is?
Jake: You know Liza. She's got enough love for a hundred parents.
Allie: That's not what I asked.
Jake: No, it doesn't. It really doesn't bother me because it's a biological thing. Honey, there's going to be no emotional attachment. I mean, sure, I'll love the child, but not as my child. It's Liza's. Sweetie, when I hear "Daddy," it's going to be from the child that you and I make. Liza will have her child, but we're going to have our own family to worry about. You have to be completely honest with me. Is this going to be a problem?
Allie: Well, if it's not a problem for you --
Jake: No. Well, I knew it'd be ok. I knew it.
Ryan: Come on. Take pity on a poor, almost-out-of-work salesperson. I'm begging you, let me serve you.
Liza: I'm going to hate myself for saying this. You can stay.
Liza: You are never, ever going to mention sperm again.
Liza: You will never, ever tell anyone that we were at that clinic at the same time.
Ryan: What about George Clooney?
Liza: No! You're not going to say anything about any bodily fluids -- blood, saliva, nothing. Do you hear me?
Ryan: Absolutely. I've got complete respect for your privacy and respect for you. I always have. But after this morning, man, it's gone up a thousandfold. I would never cross you after seeing the maneuvers that you wowed me with in this Olympus-like auditorium. You are the sultan of swindle, the guru of great. My God, I thought I was an adept scam artist, but you --
Liza: All right.
Ryan: Lady, you --
Liza: All right, all right, all right. Enough of the flattery. You're sucking the air out of the room. I'm suffocating.
Ryan: I mean it, though.
Liza: It's obvious you want something other than your job. What is it?
Ryan: Would I be that greedy after grabbing ahold of the employment ladder by one flimsy rung?
Liza: In a word, yes. So spill it -- now.
Ryan: Damn, you are good. I could never pull --
Liza: Would you just say it? Please, please.
Ryan: I was wondering if my wife could have the weatherperson job.
Ryan: Come on, the pay is good. She'll be a tune in.
Liza: I would rather close and lock the station.
Ryan: She'd be great.
Liza: She'd be stinky. No one could understand what she was saying.
Ryan: We'll use closed captioning.
Liza: For the Hungarian impaired?
Ryan: Ok, there's a little bit of a language barrier there, but you got to admit she's absolutely gorgeous. Next to you, she's the most gorgeous woman --
Liza: Oh, oh, oh, you know what? Get out of here before I start to think that my little moment of weakness was a mistake and fire you all over again.
Ryan: I'm gone. But think about Gillian. It's revolutionary -- a weatherperson that doesn't speak English and nobody can understand. Kind of like a female version of Desi Arnaz. Do they play congas in --
Ryan: Ok, I'm gone.
Adrian: I've never seen anyone so committed to a woman.
Mike: It's not a choice, Adrian. It's a calling. There is no woman like Erica Kane.
Adrian: There are such things as false ministries.
Mike: No, no, not when you worship the altar of La Kane.
Adrian: You know, Mike, I hate to break it to you, but you, my man, are whipped.
Mike: I got an itch, man, and only Erica can scratch it.
Adrian: The woman is engaged to the D.A.
Mike: Was engaged.
Adrian: Ok, I'll give it to you -- Erica's beautiful.
Mike: I'll take it.
Adrian: But there are a ton of gorgeous women out there -- the brunette in Guadeloupe.
Adrian: Ok. The blonde in Rio.
Mike: Look, I can't even remember her name.
Mike: Paris. No, not Erica.
Adrian: Oh, come on, Mike. The chase is one thing, but what if you capture her, huh? She is impossible, unpredictable.
Mike: That is only the tip of the volcano, my friend.
Adrian: Erica comes with so much baggage, you'd have to hire an army to drag it behind you. Between your history with Erica and Jack, why don't you cut your losses while you still can, huh? I mean, there have got to be easier women to train, preferably one who's already housebroken.
Mike: No man can train Erica Kane. That's what makes her unique. Being with her is like being in the eye of a hurricane. You've been through hell to get there, and you know the storm is going to come on even stronger, but the passion in the eye of that storm is sublime. It's unforgettable. And you know something, my friend? If that storm doesn't blow you off your feet every once in a while, you wouldn't be with Erica Kane. Now, you think that that's perverse, right? I think it's delightful. It's boring? Never boring. And I wouldn't change anything even if I could. There is no way that I am going to go to my grave without knowing that I have tried every possible way to win that woman back. Our problem is that there's a roadblock to my future with Erica.
Adrian: Ooh, our problem? Do I look like Tonto to you?
Mike: She's got something cooking, something about getting Jack back. We have to find out what that is and stop her.
Adrian: When was I relegated to sidekick?
Erica: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you had -- you? You're the kidnapper. You're the kidnapper -- I mean, without your disguise.
Adrian: Guilty as charged. Sorry if I scared you.
Erica: I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Adrian: Oh, just a few bruises. I'm all healed.
Mike: Erica Kane, this is Adrian Sword, my former partner at the agency.
Erica: How do you do?
Jack: Ok, so why am I here? What is this official business?
Mike: Well, Jackson Montgomery. Welcome to my antiseptic digs.
Erica: You have to arrest me, Jack.
Jack: For what, Erica?
Erica: For assault with a deadly weapon and attempted murder.
Jack: And who did you attempt to murder and with what weapon?
Erica: A forklift. I tried to kill Mike Roy. Well, go ahead, Jack. I've done wrong. Snap those big house bracelets on me.
Scott: Hayl, you hungry?
Hayley: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am completely starved.
Scott: All right, great. We'll do lunch. Dad, you want to join us?
Hayley: Yeah, come on. We'll do something fun. We'll go someplace other than Holidays. It'll be a first for all of us.
Stuart: No, thanks. I'm not hungry.
Hayley: Well, we could still take a drive.
Scott: Yeah. Yeah, sure.
Hayley: Or better still, let's take a walk in the woods. Come on, Mateo loves wildflowers, and you know all the good ones to pick.
Scott: Come on, I'll drive.
Stuart: You don't have to do this.
Scott: Dad, what do you mean? Do what?
Stuart: You're trying to make me feel better because Adam said I was dumb.
Hayley: No, he -- he's like you said, Uncle Stuart. He really didn't mean that the way it came out.
Scott: Yeah. Forget about it, Dad.
Hayley: Sometimes he's just really uptight and he goes over the top and -- he loves you so much, Uncle Stuart.
Stuart: Oh, I know. I know. I know he does. But I'm not smart, not the way he is. I know that.
Hayley: Well, that's debatable.
Scott: Yeah, Dad, you can't think like that.
Stuart: No, I -- you don't understand. I'm not smart about corporations, and I couldn't lead thousands and thousands of people like he does. I'm so dumb I still do my own taxes. But I know other stuff, stuff that Adam doesn't know, and I can show him that. For example, did you know that a wild turkey has gold feathers on his back that you can't see except when he's flying? And if you plant milkweed in your garden, you'll create a heaven for monarch butterflies, little orange angels. So that's the kind of stuff I can show Adam. And he helps show me how to get through a world of legal documents and business stuff, where people can be really cruel sometimes.
Hayley: That's beautiful.
Stuart: That's what makes a family strong -- when the different people can do different things, and they all help each other. Adam is a good man.
Scott: Well, I'm sorry, Dad, but I can't just automatically forgive him.
Stuart: Well, sometimes not forgiving someone can hurt you a lot more than the person who hurt you hurt you. I don't think Adam has ever completely forgiven anybody anything. That's -- look at his life. His -- he's ill. He's had failed marriages. I'd rather be me.
Hayley: Uncle Stuart, you are the smartest man I've ever met.
Stuart: Well, that may or may not be true, but I'll tell you what -- I'm going to make it to your grand reopening.
Hayley: Really? You'd come to Holidays?
Stuart: Of course. I would do anything for you, Hayley. You're family.
Adam: Mateo, I thought you were concerned about Hayley.
Mateo: What are you talking about?
Adam: She just showed up at my house and invited the whole family to a reopening of Holidays on the Fourth of July. Are you out of your mind?
Mateo: Wait, wait, wait. I don't want her setting foot in that place.
Adam: Good. I'm glad to hear that. I have to go to Pigeon Hollow and make sure Camille isn't after Adam Jr. You get control of your wife, Mateo. Put a stop to that party -- now.
Liza: Allie, hi. Did you talk to Jake? Did he tell you about his offer?
Allie: Oh, I got the news, all right. You bitch.
On the next "All My Children" --
Dimitri: Brooke is worried about Jamie.
Tad: Did something happen?
Erica: I did it for you.
Jack: And kissing him yesterday -- did you do that for me, too?
Ryan: She wants to stay!
Mateo: Butt out!
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